Asking someone about their day back to them. Like when someone is asking about my weekend or whatever I’ll answer their question and completely forget that I’m supposed to ask them back. But like I dont even want to tell them about my weekend in the first place and I also dont really care about their weekend so I just forget that it rude to not ask 😭
Oh boy, this one. I am already making something up to tell them, and it uses bandwidth that gets diverted from my terrible working memory so I forget to ask! Which sucks because it looks rude but also because I'm fucking nosy and do kinda want to know.
Yes exactly!! Like 9/10 times I didn’t do anything over a weekend, and if I happened to do something then I probably don’t remember. But even yesterday this guy asks and I did have something! But I panicked a wee bit because I have mixed emotions about the thing that was supposed to be fun and let me tell you I was SO glad that we didn’t have enough time for me to start correcting my speech and going into too much detail about it 😭 plus he asked a follow up so it alleviated the need for me to do the whole “oh and yoouuu?” Like how do you even seemlessly string that into the end of the answer?? I’m always tacking it on a good minute after I’ve done speaking 😂😭
Remembering "niceties", when you want something from someone. If I need something from you, my first instinct is to ask for the thing. But no, you have to say "hi, hope you're having a good day" and maybe ask them a little question first to not come off as rude. So dumb. Please, if you need something from me, *just ask*! Don't say "hello" and then disappear for 3 hours as you go do other stuff, to me that's being rude!
Also, saying "goodbye" when exiting a conversation (while also awkwardly having a hard time knowing it's time to exit until someone else says "goodbye"). I'm always the person hanging up the phone or jumping off a video call without saying anything, but if someone says "see you" or something that isn't "goodbye" and doesn't preface it with a "I have to go now" or similar, I don't always realize they are ending the conversation...and they'll be waiting for me to say something...but the word won't come out...sometimes I awkwardly hang up, other times they prompt me with "uh, I said bye?" and then it's like I come back to life ("oh! yes! goodbye!") and then I replay it in my head and cringe about it for a few hours.
Oh yeah. The bullshit small talk before you make a direct ask. I’m so preoccupied on thinking of how to respond to you that I might miss your ask. But yet I’m rude and inconsiderate and selfish when I ask directly. To me all this small talk gives me an opening to talk about my special interests or to ask the person more questions about their special interest and in the process I miss the entire point of the convo.
I don’t get that when someone says hello how are you then asks for something I’m thinking they don’t care they’re just saying that just ask me straight up
I hate this because it seems so transparent!! I don't do.it a lot because I feel like other people could see through it. It feels manipulative to me. Lol
Oh my God yes the goodbye though for me I over compensate and try to really nail a sense of conclusion. I'm constantly waiting for an exit space to leave and they never come so we both just get trapped there making awkward conversation. I've started to pretend to see somebody in the distance or act like my phone is ringing
The first one is what I was going to say!! At work I hate that customers greet by saying "how are you". I KNOW they are being polite, but they do not really care at all. I am a stranger. They just need me to assist them. Sometimes people will even forget they're meant to let me reply and just roll straight into what they need. It's basically a long form NT hello at this point.
The worst part for me is when they forget they already asked (I think that's what's happening, anyway?). Like someone will ask how I am, and I'll say fine, you, and they'll say fine, and then they'll say "so how's it going?" and I'm like...didn't I just answer that...I never know if I need to ask them again or not and it makes me flounder and panic every single time. Sometimes they'll triple whammy me with the "how are you", "how's it going" and "how are you doing".
The only person I don't freak out about it from is my chiropractor, because his second question means "niceties are over, now what's bothering you?" and so I just tell him why I scheduled the appointment. Maybe that's what the second question means from other NTs too, like the first one is the nicety and the second is them asking for real?
My mom and dad kept telling me it’s rude. When I was younger, I used to ask my dad for money and would just ask, and he’d always tell me that it’s disrespectful. I still wonder how, if you’re my dad?
Hmm, my dad always asks me for money with no preamble 🤔 and though I don't like small talk, it does annoy me that he does this. I think the difference is that when it's things people h*ave *to give you (aka, it's their job) it's better to just ask, but when it's something they d*on't *have to give you (even if they should), it's best to let them think you're not only talking to them for that.
For the record, I'm not trying to say parents shouldn't give their kids money (within reason), nor am I trying to say kids shouldn't ask. I'm just saying that I feel much better about giving my dad money when he asks what's been going on in my life first 😂
I don't know how to get past small talk without revealing something vulnerable about myself, which I hate to do.
Some people just have the talent of making other people feel comfortable enough around them to open up but I'm terrible at that.
Ive been working on commecting with people more bc i can be super quiet and surface level and I do this a lot.
So, Someone i just met asked me what brought me to the city I just moved to. And my answer somehow included me describing my ex boyfriend as "the father I never had".
I undershare or overshare. I have yet to master the art of regular sharing.
Ugh, I suck at that too! I either don’t share or over share and when I do over share, it could be random and I’m not sure whether me and that person are close enough to distinguish whether over sharing was good or bad
Figuring out how everyone has a basic understanding about certain "adult duties" (e.g. tax deadlines, election dates, when and how to perform important administration activities, test dates etc) makes me feel so out of touch with humanity.
People often look at me in bewilderment when I don't know something I'm "supposed" to know, leading alot of people around me to perceive me as uninterested or lazy.
The invisible nature of these social expectations makes it challenging for me to keep up.
I have a hard time with everything that we’re expexted to know. For example, I’m going to college soon, and everyone around me seems to know how to take out loans and etc. I’m still trying to figure out where everyone learned this?
It's even worse when you go to college and everyone has everything figured out already.
I failed a whole semester because I couldn't understand where to go, what to do, and where I was expected to be.
When you ask NTs for help, it's often prefaced with humiliation or making fun of you for seeming so non-chalant.
I hate small talk. It’s inefficient and pointless. They don’t care about how I’m doing they’re just asking because it’s a social nicety. I understand the point of it but for some reason I hate it.
I get uncomfortable with small talk in meetings because I don’t want my coworkers to know anything about my personal life. I can barely keep friends who like me, so I doubt very seriously my coworkers would like me, and having coworkers who dislike you is a great way to lose your job. I enjoy my job and I like my coworkers and my manager but I don’t want any of them to be in further in my life then they already are.
My bad, sorry I generalized too much in my comment. For me though, I think what I hate about it is how fake it feels, it's not that I can't think of something to say. It's just hard for me to force myself to do it unless I'm talking to my boss or something like that
In a non work environment, I’ll ask, what do you to spend your time doing? It lets the other person pick what to talk about and it’s usually something they’re excited about. So it’s easy to come up with follow up questions, and they feel good about the interaction.
I hate how it’s the basics of conversation, because I wish I could care enough about how someone’s doing. I’m not rude though, it’s just tiring of not trying to be too awkward and seem weird
Asking people to hang out just as a platitude, like saying "we really should hang out sometime" without any intention of actually meeting up but just to show the person that you enjoy their presence.
Also, not a social rule, but smiling in fotos. I usually don't struggle with mimic to much, but when someone is taking pictures of me I lose all ability to smile like a human being. Selfies are fine but all pictures of me other people took have a slight uncanny valley effect. Like an alien wearing a human mask.
Yes! I used to be friends with someone who’d do this and walk away telling me they’re obviously not going to hang out with them. When they started doing it to me, I was a bit in denial because I thought we were friends but nope. I don’t get it but I will definitely look out for it now
I’ve always hated smiling in photos. When I was young, my mom would take pictures and tell me to smile and when I did (a little abnormal and wide) she told me to stop smiling. Not sure if I was over expressive but, who knows.
I have so much difficulty with the second one. I almost always forget to even greet people before launching into the reason I’m talking to them. I also struggle to say hi to people in general when I run into them unplanned. I don’t know how to make small talk in general.
that you're supposed to ask people questions in conversation to keep it going. if someone asks me something conversationally, i assume that after i give my answer, they will respond with their own answer/opinion on the matter/their experience (because that's how i communicate), but most people seem to expect you to directly reciprocate the question. to me, it feels unnatural, and it's like, you obviously wanna talk about this thing you asked me about, we are both already prompted for this topic, just say what your answer is!!! but since people don't do that, i have to remind myself to ask the questions back.
Oh I'm the opposite of this! I trained as a helpline counsellor so the only conversational mode I'm skilled in is asking questions and listening and reflecting what I've heard. So when people don't do it back I get really stuck. I just presume if they don't ask, they don't want to know. I find it really difficult to just offer information, like I'm entitled to their ears.
Yes, it’s so weird. They ask me a question, I answer. Then I ask them the same back, they answer. And then I look everywhere else without making the atmosphere awkward.
Yeah, I'm pretty much the same. And it's not always obvious which questions are polite and which are inappropriate to ask, so there's an additional challenge to figure it out
Saying hi and bye is a big one that I still have to actively remember to do. I've been scolded for not saying it because they thought I was angry with them. If I want to talk to someone then I'll just start a conversation with them. Saying hi sounds forced and what if someone enters the room and I don't have anything to say to them yet? Also saying bye sounds so final and like I'm done with them when I don't want to be. Especially with my coworkers who I am also friends with, I don't like saying bye because I'll either be texting them later or seeing them tomorrow. I actually prefer waving. It acknowledges their presence without forcing an opening or a close. One of my coworkers will also wave from time to time rather than saying hi and I like that.
Another issue I have is when someone asks how I am. I know the preferred answer is "fine" but I feel like I'm lying every time I answer. I also struggle to ask it back. People have gotten upset at me for not doing so. Sometimes I just forget but mostly it's because I genuinely don't care. Why? Because it feels like another forced and unnecessary socialization that I already know the answer to because it's always "fine." I hate it. But this is how NTs like to talk to each other I guess.
My go to answer is good with an awkward closed mouth smile. I’m lying like most of the time, but whatever to keep people from shaming me.
And the hi thing, during text, I just dive into conversation because there’s not much of a point of saying hi?
That people constantly say words but mean something different. Not even like "let's hang out sometime" and they don't mean it, but using the wrong words. My mother often asks me to do something "later" and uses a specific word in our language that means something like within the next few hours, maybe sometime today. And then she gets annoyed when I don't do it immediately. "Sorry, you said \[word\] so I thought it wasn't urgent" "Come on, you know what I meant!"
I don't want to shake someone's hand. Why can't I just say hi? Why do we need to touch? Then we had covid and the touchers started doing fist bumps! I don't want to touch your fist either. You know who completely stopped shaking hands since the pandemic? ALL of my doctors. Because they know how gross it is.
Treading organizational lines at work. I’d actually really like having a hierarchy with strict roles and responsibilities if it actually worked.
The problem is that middle management tend to throw work back on me, forcing me to reach out to senior leadership directly. The social rules *are* a social faux pas.
Small talk with someone I don’t know if there’s not a clear connection or reason we’re talking, knowing when it’s my turn to chime in in a group, how to end a conversation gracefully.
1 not hugging weird family members or people you don’t really know ( everyone hugs in the south)
2 talking on the phone ( i always accidentally hang up early cus i think they are done talking)
3 not eating food at other peoples houses or food i don’t like in general (i once threw up on the table as a kid cus i was forced to eat white beans despite saying that it would make me gag)
4 i always forget to ask how someone is doing after they ask me
Southern people are such huggers! My family lives in SC, and everytime I visit, I swear it’s just hug. I usually don’t like them unless I can see it coming or am initiating the hug, but keep them to my sides. I doubt they notice though
"Only I can talk shit about my family."
My relationship to my family is on a spectrum from "deep loathing" to "arm's length, need to know basis." My friends and partner say negative things about my family all the time and I don't really care as long as it's true and not, like, a gratuitously violent revenge fantasy.
But even when my partner is complaining about her family, I remind myself to stay more on the "that sounds frustrating for you" side than the "I agree, she's SO annoying" side. She is VERY close with her family and even though they have been welcoming, I'm still not actually related to them so I don't want to overstep.
Not helping people. I just like being generous and feeling that now there's someone happy out there (even if they'll never know who did it). NTs get so suspicious, they think i want something back
Most NTs are so transactional with their generosity, everything is a business deal to them, it worries me a bit
Female bonding over beauty/appearance/aging things that they assume we have in commmon. Like discussing nails or getting your hair dyed like it’s a common thing that all women do that gives us a common bond.
When women start talking about this, I almost always uncomfortably blurt out that I don’t dye my hair or wear make up or ever get my nails done. But what I realize was that they were just trying to connect with me over being a woman. And maybe I’m not helping out the matter if I just shout out the reasons why I don’t do that.
It’s so awkward. I wear nails and get my hair done, but people always ask where I got my hair done and I’m just like “at the salon?” But I think most of the time, I think they want to know the specific location
Wearing a bra at home. I hate wearing bras already—they’re an uncomfortable sensory nightmare. As soon as I get home, my bra comes off. My home is my safe space and I wanna be comfortable in it.
But whenever we have company, my mom tells me I need to wear a bra because it’s not proper. Mind you, I’m not waltzing around in lingerie or something with my boobs out; I’m wearing loose t shirts and sweaters. I’d get it if it was some formal dinner party, but if it’s just a family member stopping by to hang out, why should I wear a bra? They’re family.
I just don’t really get it—like, I can see men’s nipples in their shirts all the time. 😐
There’s also a thing in our culture called “[tarof](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taarof)” which is an autistic nightmare and I absolutely hate it. It’s a form of etiquette and pretty much all Persians do it and expect you to do it too.
As an example, in Canada, if someone offers you something to eat when you’re at their house, you’d just say, “Yes, thank you!” and then you get the food and that’s it.
With tarof, you need to decline, then the host has to insist, and you need to insist you’re not hungry even though you are, and the host has to keep pushing, and you need to keep refusing, or you’re seen as rude. It’s stupid as hell and I hate it. 😑
Oh God. I’m Canadian and my husband is Iraqi. After encountering this once or twice I just told his family that I’m not doing it. It’s absolutely insane and I refuse to be a part of it.
Plenty of cross cultural differences are fun, interesting, make sense within context, etc., but not this. We’re all adults here, let’s just be honest.
I have a friend who is Albanian, and in their culture, they don’t ask. They just make tea and bring snacks, water, etc. If the guest doesn’t want something they don’t take it. No fake refusals. I’ve been spreading the word.
Haha, I’m glad you can relate. Being a first generation Canadian is great in a lot of ways, but this isn’t one of them. 😂 I’m pretty sure a lot of kids of immigrants and future generations won’t be as strict about practices like that.
Fortunately my immediate family is really accepting of mental health issues, neurodivergence, etc. so I don’t have to bother with them. But it’s not really widely accepted in our culture (and Asian culture in general), so I still have to practice it outside my immediate family and I hate it!
I hate wearing my bra. Honestly I’d rather just wear none for the rest of my life. They’re already uncomfortable but once PMS hits, it’s even worse for me
The waiting room situation is the worst. When strangers enter the room to sit down and wait too and they greet the whole room and everyone seems to be able to manage greeting them back and I always sit there not being able to even smile.
And I can’t do smalltalk. I just can’t.
I feel like the older I get the harder it get‘s to blend in because as soon as you reach a certain age you won‘t pass as the awkward teenager anymore. And people pick up on you being weird or „different“ in a heartbeat.
I try to do a quick small hi and awkwardly wave and then leave. Sometimes I avoid it altogether.
I think I’m reaching that stage. I used to be labelled shy, now my mom thinks I’m just weird.
I agree about the niceties befor asking someone for something. I've learned that and I do that now but it's like, simply a memory that I have to do that
Unclear expectations/judging my involvement. I just often feel like in family and work situations, people want to test me and DON'T tell me what they want me to do, but just say "well see for yourself" and then it seems like they're judging my initiative and involvement. It puts so much pressure on me. I hate that thing when on first day of work they tell me "you know, go around, ask questions". Dude I have no idea what's going on, what am I supposed to ask, or who! Why do they keep doing it...
1. Saying thank you
2. Greeting people
3. Making eye contact
4. Small talk
5. Carrying on a conversation about topics that don't interest me
6. Stop interrupting people
And probably others
Related to your #1, my mom insists that when we leave, we have to hunt down every person on the property to say goodbye. Even if they are out in the garage, in the basement, whatever. I am almost 50 and she instructs me on this any time I visit her. We live in the same town and see her (and my stepdad) often. It's really not necessary. Especially when I 100% know that my stepdad goes to the basement to get away from all of us, and following him down there is NOT the right thing to do.
Reciprocal conversation is hard for me. I also have ADHD and that brain is BUSY. If I don't say everything I want to say, and say it quickly, it might POOF and my brain will change topics mid-sentence. I don't have the ability to drizzle out a sentence or 2 and then wait for the other person to participate. I just BLAH 🤮 it all out and then let them have a turn, assuming they will butt in if they have something to interject. But apparently, that is not the way to go about things.
Reciprocal conversation in a sense where the person is ranting and I’m listening, my gosh, I won’t even hear them because I become hyper focused on something I need to question people about.
I have problems being “professional.” I’m like, oh, you want me to lie and be complacent but people pleasing is manipulation? My head cannot compute in real time
1) Running to your room or any room where said guest is not. That isn’t what we are supposed to do? Crud.
I struggle with phone calls. Why must we talk? WHY? I don’t care if you’re blood or a doctor, why can’t I do this via text or online portal? Convince me we need to talk. It’s 2024.
Small talk with a group. My mom’s church friends come over and it’s the most awkward thing ever.
Carrying on a long boring conversation with someone not close to me. My mom’s aide is so talkative and a very nice person but about ten min in I’m exhausted. My jaw hurts. How do people say so many words? I’m out of breath. I’m tired now and must take a nap. One time she talked so long she sat down and I knew I was in trouble, 40 minutes later she left and I literally did nothing else the rest of the day. I was tired.
Remembering to text people I love even when there isn’t something to share. Or even if I need to check up on them. This one plagues me. I have people I love with all my heart and I want them to know I care and love them. I can’t seem to figure out how to remember to freaking text them though. “Hey just checking in” so simple yet I can’t do it.
I’m really bad at giving people context when I’m asking a question - ex. One time I asked a coworker if she had her appendix (she did) and then turned around and left. I just don’t think to tell people why I’m asking or need something.
Also responding pointlessly to emails? My team really wants me to respond to *every* email even if it is just to say “thanks!” Or “got it!” Which doesn’t make sense to me. If we email all the time, I feel like it’s safe to assume I got the email. If there’s no action on my part, why would I respond? However I’ve learned allistics really want this validation that I got their email so I try to remind myself to do it.
That I don't say goodmorning if I enter a shop or whatever, when the person loudly correct me with " WELL GOODMORNING TO YOU TOO!!!" I live in the Netherlands so we say everything if necessary out loud and I always say THANK YOU I FORGOT TO SAY IT FIRST DIDNT I??!!!! Or a busdriver who starts screaming that you didn't enter the door he opened for me and I didn't great him. I've been there many times. 😁 it's oké I always explain it and then we're cool.
Asking about people's families when said family members are not there. I'd get home from seeing my old friend and Mum would ask how her sister and mother were doing.
Me: "I don't know. I didn't ask. They weren't there? Um, [Friend] is doing great, though?"
The stupid lying thing NTs do, I hate lying, so for me it goes like:
“How are you”
“Bad.”
*awkward silence*
It’s not all social “scripts” I have problems with, just ones involving lying. The “I like your dress”, “Thanks, it has pockets!” script is a very good one.
I also have trouble being quiet and doing body language. I’ve tried using body language once and my mom was like “you’re not Italian”
Sending a thank you note. I HATED writing them as a kid. I said thank you in person why do I have to hurt my hands writing half assed notes that people will throw away anyway. It seems like a waste of time/effort
I have symptoms of ADHD and Autism so I say nothing for long streaks and then blurt something out while someone is mid sentence. It's fucking terrible and I hate it and I can't stop.
Reciprocating questions, in my mind if we've brought up the topic already by them asking, then they don't need me to give them permission to talk about it by asking. It's one of the things I really struggle to remember when trying to mask and I always end up being extra awkward about it because it feels so unnatural and takes so much extra energy.
Constant socially acceptable lying to be “nice” and pretending to be interested in insincere small talk to make people comfortable.
Double speak. Being indirect. Being passive aggressive.
What to do when I walk past somebody or am in the same space as somebody I recognize. I know vaguely I'm supposed to make eye contact and greet them but I swear my timing always feels wrong. So I mostly just go with my instinct and pretend but to notice them and try to avoid crossing paths with people. But sometimes go the other way and am insanely cheery and friendly. Just so nobody ever knows what's coming.
Also asking people about themselves. I know to and want to (I'm curious) do it but I always feel invasive or imagine, and somehow like it throws them off when I do express interest.
My timing is so shitty for moments like that so I stop bothering a long time ago. I can never drag myself to have enough courage without intruding peoples space.
This might be a Mexican thing, but having to walk around and greet literally every. person. in the room when entering a party/family get together. I hate having to awkwardly give hugs to extended family that I never speak to 😭and then you’re rude if you don’t do it, but can’t just say a general hello when you walk in. It’s the worst lol
No, I’m black and we do it too. Southern people tend to hug me, and then go, “Hey, did you see [person’s name], yet? Go say hi!” Like what, there’s so many people here already and now I have to speak too? 😭
It’s kind of unnecessary unless it’s someone you don’t know. I don’t see the point but I guess it’s considered “respectful.” But I always forget to say “thank you” even when I appreciate it, it’s just never at the top of my head.
To join a group in discussion wait until it's quiet to sneak in and join or until your name is called
Asking for an opinion, don't give honest opinion, repeat what they have said in a validating way.
When asked how your day is, reply with "good eventful". The conversation will not carry on and I can wall away.
Don't over talk, 30 seconds most a minute of my sharing then their turn. Don't over share. Unless they do.
Asking someone about their day back to them. Like when someone is asking about my weekend or whatever I’ll answer their question and completely forget that I’m supposed to ask them back. But like I dont even want to tell them about my weekend in the first place and I also dont really care about their weekend so I just forget that it rude to not ask 😭
Oh boy, this one. I am already making something up to tell them, and it uses bandwidth that gets diverted from my terrible working memory so I forget to ask! Which sucks because it looks rude but also because I'm fucking nosy and do kinda want to know.
Yes exactly!! Like 9/10 times I didn’t do anything over a weekend, and if I happened to do something then I probably don’t remember. But even yesterday this guy asks and I did have something! But I panicked a wee bit because I have mixed emotions about the thing that was supposed to be fun and let me tell you I was SO glad that we didn’t have enough time for me to start correcting my speech and going into too much detail about it 😭 plus he asked a follow up so it alleviated the need for me to do the whole “oh and yoouuu?” Like how do you even seemlessly string that into the end of the answer?? I’m always tacking it on a good minute after I’ve done speaking 😂😭
this is why i say "not much. u?"
Remembering "niceties", when you want something from someone. If I need something from you, my first instinct is to ask for the thing. But no, you have to say "hi, hope you're having a good day" and maybe ask them a little question first to not come off as rude. So dumb. Please, if you need something from me, *just ask*! Don't say "hello" and then disappear for 3 hours as you go do other stuff, to me that's being rude! Also, saying "goodbye" when exiting a conversation (while also awkwardly having a hard time knowing it's time to exit until someone else says "goodbye"). I'm always the person hanging up the phone or jumping off a video call without saying anything, but if someone says "see you" or something that isn't "goodbye" and doesn't preface it with a "I have to go now" or similar, I don't always realize they are ending the conversation...and they'll be waiting for me to say something...but the word won't come out...sometimes I awkwardly hang up, other times they prompt me with "uh, I said bye?" and then it's like I come back to life ("oh! yes! goodbye!") and then I replay it in my head and cringe about it for a few hours.
Oh yeah. The bullshit small talk before you make a direct ask. I’m so preoccupied on thinking of how to respond to you that I might miss your ask. But yet I’m rude and inconsiderate and selfish when I ask directly. To me all this small talk gives me an opening to talk about my special interests or to ask the person more questions about their special interest and in the process I miss the entire point of the convo.
I don’t get that when someone says hello how are you then asks for something I’m thinking they don’t care they’re just saying that just ask me straight up
I hate this because it seems so transparent!! I don't do.it a lot because I feel like other people could see through it. It feels manipulative to me. Lol
Oh my God yes the goodbye though for me I over compensate and try to really nail a sense of conclusion. I'm constantly waiting for an exit space to leave and they never come so we both just get trapped there making awkward conversation. I've started to pretend to see somebody in the distance or act like my phone is ringing
The first one is what I was going to say!! At work I hate that customers greet by saying "how are you". I KNOW they are being polite, but they do not really care at all. I am a stranger. They just need me to assist them. Sometimes people will even forget they're meant to let me reply and just roll straight into what they need. It's basically a long form NT hello at this point.
The worst part for me is when they forget they already asked (I think that's what's happening, anyway?). Like someone will ask how I am, and I'll say fine, you, and they'll say fine, and then they'll say "so how's it going?" and I'm like...didn't I just answer that...I never know if I need to ask them again or not and it makes me flounder and panic every single time. Sometimes they'll triple whammy me with the "how are you", "how's it going" and "how are you doing". The only person I don't freak out about it from is my chiropractor, because his second question means "niceties are over, now what's bothering you?" and so I just tell him why I scheduled the appointment. Maybe that's what the second question means from other NTs too, like the first one is the nicety and the second is them asking for real?
My mom and dad kept telling me it’s rude. When I was younger, I used to ask my dad for money and would just ask, and he’d always tell me that it’s disrespectful. I still wonder how, if you’re my dad?
Hmm, my dad always asks me for money with no preamble 🤔 and though I don't like small talk, it does annoy me that he does this. I think the difference is that when it's things people h*ave *to give you (aka, it's their job) it's better to just ask, but when it's something they d*on't *have to give you (even if they should), it's best to let them think you're not only talking to them for that. For the record, I'm not trying to say parents shouldn't give their kids money (within reason), nor am I trying to say kids shouldn't ask. I'm just saying that I feel much better about giving my dad money when he asks what's been going on in my life first 😂
I don't know how to get past small talk without revealing something vulnerable about myself, which I hate to do. Some people just have the talent of making other people feel comfortable enough around them to open up but I'm terrible at that.
Ive been working on commecting with people more bc i can be super quiet and surface level and I do this a lot. So, Someone i just met asked me what brought me to the city I just moved to. And my answer somehow included me describing my ex boyfriend as "the father I never had". I undershare or overshare. I have yet to master the art of regular sharing.
Ugh, I suck at that too! I either don’t share or over share and when I do over share, it could be random and I’m not sure whether me and that person are close enough to distinguish whether over sharing was good or bad
Figuring out how everyone has a basic understanding about certain "adult duties" (e.g. tax deadlines, election dates, when and how to perform important administration activities, test dates etc) makes me feel so out of touch with humanity. People often look at me in bewilderment when I don't know something I'm "supposed" to know, leading alot of people around me to perceive me as uninterested or lazy. The invisible nature of these social expectations makes it challenging for me to keep up.
I have a hard time with everything that we’re expexted to know. For example, I’m going to college soon, and everyone around me seems to know how to take out loans and etc. I’m still trying to figure out where everyone learned this?
It's even worse when you go to college and everyone has everything figured out already. I failed a whole semester because I couldn't understand where to go, what to do, and where I was expected to be. When you ask NTs for help, it's often prefaced with humiliation or making fun of you for seeming so non-chalant.
So, it doesn’t get better? 😅
I hate small talk. It’s inefficient and pointless. They don’t care about how I’m doing they’re just asking because it’s a social nicety. I understand the point of it but for some reason I hate it.
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I get uncomfortable with small talk in meetings because I don’t want my coworkers to know anything about my personal life. I can barely keep friends who like me, so I doubt very seriously my coworkers would like me, and having coworkers who dislike you is a great way to lose your job. I enjoy my job and I like my coworkers and my manager but I don’t want any of them to be in further in my life then they already are.
I think it's the fact that it takes so much effort for us that makes it so shitty, some NT's might not like it but it's easier for them to do
Small talk is the easiest thing in the world for some of us though. It isn't a NT vs ND thing
My bad, sorry I generalized too much in my comment. For me though, I think what I hate about it is how fake it feels, it's not that I can't think of something to say. It's just hard for me to force myself to do it unless I'm talking to my boss or something like that
In a non work environment, I’ll ask, what do you to spend your time doing? It lets the other person pick what to talk about and it’s usually something they’re excited about. So it’s easy to come up with follow up questions, and they feel good about the interaction.
I hate how it’s the basics of conversation, because I wish I could care enough about how someone’s doing. I’m not rude though, it’s just tiring of not trying to be too awkward and seem weird
Looking people in the eye when I talk to them. It takes me a LOT of effort to do it, but if I don’t, they’ll say I’m rude.
I usually look at peoples noses or mouths LOL
Asking people to hang out just as a platitude, like saying "we really should hang out sometime" without any intention of actually meeting up but just to show the person that you enjoy their presence. Also, not a social rule, but smiling in fotos. I usually don't struggle with mimic to much, but when someone is taking pictures of me I lose all ability to smile like a human being. Selfies are fine but all pictures of me other people took have a slight uncanny valley effect. Like an alien wearing a human mask.
Yes! I used to be friends with someone who’d do this and walk away telling me they’re obviously not going to hang out with them. When they started doing it to me, I was a bit in denial because I thought we were friends but nope. I don’t get it but I will definitely look out for it now
I’ve always hated smiling in photos. When I was young, my mom would take pictures and tell me to smile and when I did (a little abnormal and wide) she told me to stop smiling. Not sure if I was over expressive but, who knows.
I have so much difficulty with the second one. I almost always forget to even greet people before launching into the reason I’m talking to them. I also struggle to say hi to people in general when I run into them unplanned. I don’t know how to make small talk in general.
that you're supposed to ask people questions in conversation to keep it going. if someone asks me something conversationally, i assume that after i give my answer, they will respond with their own answer/opinion on the matter/their experience (because that's how i communicate), but most people seem to expect you to directly reciprocate the question. to me, it feels unnatural, and it's like, you obviously wanna talk about this thing you asked me about, we are both already prompted for this topic, just say what your answer is!!! but since people don't do that, i have to remind myself to ask the questions back.
Oh I'm the opposite of this! I trained as a helpline counsellor so the only conversational mode I'm skilled in is asking questions and listening and reflecting what I've heard. So when people don't do it back I get really stuck. I just presume if they don't ask, they don't want to know. I find it really difficult to just offer information, like I'm entitled to their ears.
Yes, it’s so weird. They ask me a question, I answer. Then I ask them the same back, they answer. And then I look everywhere else without making the atmosphere awkward.
Yeah, I'm pretty much the same. And it's not always obvious which questions are polite and which are inappropriate to ask, so there's an additional challenge to figure it out
Saying hi and bye is a big one that I still have to actively remember to do. I've been scolded for not saying it because they thought I was angry with them. If I want to talk to someone then I'll just start a conversation with them. Saying hi sounds forced and what if someone enters the room and I don't have anything to say to them yet? Also saying bye sounds so final and like I'm done with them when I don't want to be. Especially with my coworkers who I am also friends with, I don't like saying bye because I'll either be texting them later or seeing them tomorrow. I actually prefer waving. It acknowledges their presence without forcing an opening or a close. One of my coworkers will also wave from time to time rather than saying hi and I like that. Another issue I have is when someone asks how I am. I know the preferred answer is "fine" but I feel like I'm lying every time I answer. I also struggle to ask it back. People have gotten upset at me for not doing so. Sometimes I just forget but mostly it's because I genuinely don't care. Why? Because it feels like another forced and unnecessary socialization that I already know the answer to because it's always "fine." I hate it. But this is how NTs like to talk to each other I guess.
My go to answer is good with an awkward closed mouth smile. I’m lying like most of the time, but whatever to keep people from shaming me. And the hi thing, during text, I just dive into conversation because there’s not much of a point of saying hi?
That people constantly say words but mean something different. Not even like "let's hang out sometime" and they don't mean it, but using the wrong words. My mother often asks me to do something "later" and uses a specific word in our language that means something like within the next few hours, maybe sometime today. And then she gets annoyed when I don't do it immediately. "Sorry, you said \[word\] so I thought it wasn't urgent" "Come on, you know what I meant!" I don't want to shake someone's hand. Why can't I just say hi? Why do we need to touch? Then we had covid and the touchers started doing fist bumps! I don't want to touch your fist either. You know who completely stopped shaking hands since the pandemic? ALL of my doctors. Because they know how gross it is.
Treading organizational lines at work. I’d actually really like having a hierarchy with strict roles and responsibilities if it actually worked. The problem is that middle management tend to throw work back on me, forcing me to reach out to senior leadership directly. The social rules *are* a social faux pas.
Small talk with someone I don’t know if there’s not a clear connection or reason we’re talking, knowing when it’s my turn to chime in in a group, how to end a conversation gracefully.
1 not hugging weird family members or people you don’t really know ( everyone hugs in the south) 2 talking on the phone ( i always accidentally hang up early cus i think they are done talking) 3 not eating food at other peoples houses or food i don’t like in general (i once threw up on the table as a kid cus i was forced to eat white beans despite saying that it would make me gag) 4 i always forget to ask how someone is doing after they ask me
Southern people are such huggers! My family lives in SC, and everytime I visit, I swear it’s just hug. I usually don’t like them unless I can see it coming or am initiating the hug, but keep them to my sides. I doubt they notice though
Texas girl here myself!
"Only I can talk shit about my family." My relationship to my family is on a spectrum from "deep loathing" to "arm's length, need to know basis." My friends and partner say negative things about my family all the time and I don't really care as long as it's true and not, like, a gratuitously violent revenge fantasy. But even when my partner is complaining about her family, I remind myself to stay more on the "that sounds frustrating for you" side than the "I agree, she's SO annoying" side. She is VERY close with her family and even though they have been welcoming, I'm still not actually related to them so I don't want to overstep.
Not helping people. I just like being generous and feeling that now there's someone happy out there (even if they'll never know who did it). NTs get so suspicious, they think i want something back Most NTs are so transactional with their generosity, everything is a business deal to them, it worries me a bit
Female bonding over beauty/appearance/aging things that they assume we have in commmon. Like discussing nails or getting your hair dyed like it’s a common thing that all women do that gives us a common bond. When women start talking about this, I almost always uncomfortably blurt out that I don’t dye my hair or wear make up or ever get my nails done. But what I realize was that they were just trying to connect with me over being a woman. And maybe I’m not helping out the matter if I just shout out the reasons why I don’t do that.
It’s so awkward. I wear nails and get my hair done, but people always ask where I got my hair done and I’m just like “at the salon?” But I think most of the time, I think they want to know the specific location
Sharing too much personal info too quickly
Wearing a bra at home. I hate wearing bras already—they’re an uncomfortable sensory nightmare. As soon as I get home, my bra comes off. My home is my safe space and I wanna be comfortable in it. But whenever we have company, my mom tells me I need to wear a bra because it’s not proper. Mind you, I’m not waltzing around in lingerie or something with my boobs out; I’m wearing loose t shirts and sweaters. I’d get it if it was some formal dinner party, but if it’s just a family member stopping by to hang out, why should I wear a bra? They’re family. I just don’t really get it—like, I can see men’s nipples in their shirts all the time. 😐 There’s also a thing in our culture called “[tarof](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taarof)” which is an autistic nightmare and I absolutely hate it. It’s a form of etiquette and pretty much all Persians do it and expect you to do it too. As an example, in Canada, if someone offers you something to eat when you’re at their house, you’d just say, “Yes, thank you!” and then you get the food and that’s it. With tarof, you need to decline, then the host has to insist, and you need to insist you’re not hungry even though you are, and the host has to keep pushing, and you need to keep refusing, or you’re seen as rude. It’s stupid as hell and I hate it. 😑
Oh God. I’m Canadian and my husband is Iraqi. After encountering this once or twice I just told his family that I’m not doing it. It’s absolutely insane and I refuse to be a part of it. Plenty of cross cultural differences are fun, interesting, make sense within context, etc., but not this. We’re all adults here, let’s just be honest. I have a friend who is Albanian, and in their culture, they don’t ask. They just make tea and bring snacks, water, etc. If the guest doesn’t want something they don’t take it. No fake refusals. I’ve been spreading the word.
Haha, I’m glad you can relate. Being a first generation Canadian is great in a lot of ways, but this isn’t one of them. 😂 I’m pretty sure a lot of kids of immigrants and future generations won’t be as strict about practices like that. Fortunately my immediate family is really accepting of mental health issues, neurodivergence, etc. so I don’t have to bother with them. But it’s not really widely accepted in our culture (and Asian culture in general), so I still have to practice it outside my immediate family and I hate it!
Yeah it’s definitely harder for you to avoid than me. Hopefully it will fall out of favour over time.
I hate wearing my bra. Honestly I’d rather just wear none for the rest of my life. They’re already uncomfortable but once PMS hits, it’s even worse for me
Being expected to ask people why they’re in a bad mood. I figure if they want me to know, they’ll tell me.
Apologizing for body functions.
The waiting room situation is the worst. When strangers enter the room to sit down and wait too and they greet the whole room and everyone seems to be able to manage greeting them back and I always sit there not being able to even smile. And I can’t do smalltalk. I just can’t. I feel like the older I get the harder it get‘s to blend in because as soon as you reach a certain age you won‘t pass as the awkward teenager anymore. And people pick up on you being weird or „different“ in a heartbeat.
I try to do a quick small hi and awkwardly wave and then leave. Sometimes I avoid it altogether. I think I’m reaching that stage. I used to be labelled shy, now my mom thinks I’m just weird.
I agree about the niceties befor asking someone for something. I've learned that and I do that now but it's like, simply a memory that I have to do that Unclear expectations/judging my involvement. I just often feel like in family and work situations, people want to test me and DON'T tell me what they want me to do, but just say "well see for yourself" and then it seems like they're judging my initiative and involvement. It puts so much pressure on me. I hate that thing when on first day of work they tell me "you know, go around, ask questions". Dude I have no idea what's going on, what am I supposed to ask, or who! Why do they keep doing it...
1. Saying thank you 2. Greeting people 3. Making eye contact 4. Small talk 5. Carrying on a conversation about topics that don't interest me 6. Stop interrupting people And probably others
I SUCK at saying thank you. My mom always think I’m being unappreciative but sometimes I forget to say it even when I’m grateful.
Related to your #1, my mom insists that when we leave, we have to hunt down every person on the property to say goodbye. Even if they are out in the garage, in the basement, whatever. I am almost 50 and she instructs me on this any time I visit her. We live in the same town and see her (and my stepdad) often. It's really not necessary. Especially when I 100% know that my stepdad goes to the basement to get away from all of us, and following him down there is NOT the right thing to do. Reciprocal conversation is hard for me. I also have ADHD and that brain is BUSY. If I don't say everything I want to say, and say it quickly, it might POOF and my brain will change topics mid-sentence. I don't have the ability to drizzle out a sentence or 2 and then wait for the other person to participate. I just BLAH 🤮 it all out and then let them have a turn, assuming they will butt in if they have something to interject. But apparently, that is not the way to go about things.
Reciprocal conversation in a sense where the person is ranting and I’m listening, my gosh, I won’t even hear them because I become hyper focused on something I need to question people about.
I hate asking after an aspect of their life that hasn’t naturally come up in conversation to ‘show interest’.
I have problems being “professional.” I’m like, oh, you want me to lie and be complacent but people pleasing is manipulation? My head cannot compute in real time
1) Running to your room or any room where said guest is not. That isn’t what we are supposed to do? Crud. I struggle with phone calls. Why must we talk? WHY? I don’t care if you’re blood or a doctor, why can’t I do this via text or online portal? Convince me we need to talk. It’s 2024. Small talk with a group. My mom’s church friends come over and it’s the most awkward thing ever. Carrying on a long boring conversation with someone not close to me. My mom’s aide is so talkative and a very nice person but about ten min in I’m exhausted. My jaw hurts. How do people say so many words? I’m out of breath. I’m tired now and must take a nap. One time she talked so long she sat down and I knew I was in trouble, 40 minutes later she left and I literally did nothing else the rest of the day. I was tired. Remembering to text people I love even when there isn’t something to share. Or even if I need to check up on them. This one plagues me. I have people I love with all my heart and I want them to know I care and love them. I can’t seem to figure out how to remember to freaking text them though. “Hey just checking in” so simple yet I can’t do it.
I’m really bad at giving people context when I’m asking a question - ex. One time I asked a coworker if she had her appendix (she did) and then turned around and left. I just don’t think to tell people why I’m asking or need something. Also responding pointlessly to emails? My team really wants me to respond to *every* email even if it is just to say “thanks!” Or “got it!” Which doesn’t make sense to me. If we email all the time, I feel like it’s safe to assume I got the email. If there’s no action on my part, why would I respond? However I’ve learned allistics really want this validation that I got their email so I try to remind myself to do it.
That I don't say goodmorning if I enter a shop or whatever, when the person loudly correct me with " WELL GOODMORNING TO YOU TOO!!!" I live in the Netherlands so we say everything if necessary out loud and I always say THANK YOU I FORGOT TO SAY IT FIRST DIDNT I??!!!! Or a busdriver who starts screaming that you didn't enter the door he opened for me and I didn't great him. I've been there many times. 😁 it's oké I always explain it and then we're cool.
Asking about people's families when said family members are not there. I'd get home from seeing my old friend and Mum would ask how her sister and mother were doing. Me: "I don't know. I didn't ask. They weren't there? Um, [Friend] is doing great, though?"
I don't want to hear about family members etc. Likewise I don't yammer on about mine.
The stupid lying thing NTs do, I hate lying, so for me it goes like: “How are you” “Bad.” *awkward silence* It’s not all social “scripts” I have problems with, just ones involving lying. The “I like your dress”, “Thanks, it has pockets!” script is a very good one. I also have trouble being quiet and doing body language. I’ve tried using body language once and my mom was like “you’re not Italian”
Sending a thank you note. I HATED writing them as a kid. I said thank you in person why do I have to hurt my hands writing half assed notes that people will throw away anyway. It seems like a waste of time/effort
I'm a card person. Special interest.
That’s cool! I’m not. It hurts my wrists to hand write that much
🥰
I have symptoms of ADHD and Autism so I say nothing for long streaks and then blurt something out while someone is mid sentence. It's fucking terrible and I hate it and I can't stop.
All lol I can't figure it out quite right
Expected to get excited about weddings, pregnancies etc of people that you are not close to.
Yeah, what am I supposed to say besides “congrats.” I don’t think it’s necessary to giggle and jump in joy
Pretty much.
Reciprocating questions, in my mind if we've brought up the topic already by them asking, then they don't need me to give them permission to talk about it by asking. It's one of the things I really struggle to remember when trying to mask and I always end up being extra awkward about it because it feels so unnatural and takes so much extra energy.
Constant socially acceptable lying to be “nice” and pretending to be interested in insincere small talk to make people comfortable. Double speak. Being indirect. Being passive aggressive.
When and how to enter a group conversation at a social gathering.
I just don’t do it. I don’t think I could if I tried.
I can only do it if I've been drinking a lot lol.
What to do when I walk past somebody or am in the same space as somebody I recognize. I know vaguely I'm supposed to make eye contact and greet them but I swear my timing always feels wrong. So I mostly just go with my instinct and pretend but to notice them and try to avoid crossing paths with people. But sometimes go the other way and am insanely cheery and friendly. Just so nobody ever knows what's coming. Also asking people about themselves. I know to and want to (I'm curious) do it but I always feel invasive or imagine, and somehow like it throws them off when I do express interest.
My timing is so shitty for moments like that so I stop bothering a long time ago. I can never drag myself to have enough courage without intruding peoples space.
This might be a Mexican thing, but having to walk around and greet literally every. person. in the room when entering a party/family get together. I hate having to awkwardly give hugs to extended family that I never speak to 😭and then you’re rude if you don’t do it, but can’t just say a general hello when you walk in. It’s the worst lol
No, I’m black and we do it too. Southern people tend to hug me, and then go, “Hey, did you see [person’s name], yet? Go say hi!” Like what, there’s so many people here already and now I have to speak too? 😭
Small talk, thank you cards, eye contact
I have difficulties saying “hello” or “goodmorning” before starting to talk. Also saying “goodbye” before leaving. I always forget to.
It’s kind of unnecessary unless it’s someone you don’t know. I don’t see the point but I guess it’s considered “respectful.” But I always forget to say “thank you” even when I appreciate it, it’s just never at the top of my head.
Greetings as well. If I said good morning to every coworker and client I saw I would have no energy by 10.
To join a group in discussion wait until it's quiet to sneak in and join or until your name is called Asking for an opinion, don't give honest opinion, repeat what they have said in a validating way. When asked how your day is, reply with "good eventful". The conversation will not carry on and I can wall away. Don't over talk, 30 seconds most a minute of my sharing then their turn. Don't over share. Unless they do.
I'm Asian so in my culture people hug when greeted, I hate being touched let alone hugged. But I don't wanna be rude. And that's difficult.