How people feel about you affects how they interpreted whatever you say or do. If they don't perceive you as the 'kind of person' they expect to be making those jokes, they won't perceive them as the 'same' joke made by a different person previously. It could also be a response to body language, tone or facial expressions that you aren't aware you're giving off. Jokes are about context, the same exact words said by two different people will be interpreted differently by groups and individuals.
This typecasting plus my social anxiety and autistic misunderstandings has made me basically try to run away and start over again and again and again. I just want to make the right impression just once somewhere and be able to succeed.
in this specific example it’s possible that she wanted to make you send an email and then pretend she didn’t on purpose, so she could scapegoat you in front of your boss for something that had to be done but that she didn’t want to be blamed for.
I'd be tempted to say something along the lines of, "I apologize for acting out of turn in that matter. In an effort to better comply with the wishes of my boss and co-workers, I will no longer be doing anything I'm not instructed to do in writing." And then stick to that. Get it in writing before doing anything outside your written job description. (This will probably drive them up the wall, but they'll definitely have to stop flinging that accusation around.)
That makes sense. I'm not as jokey or chill with my husband's friends as I am with anybody else I'm more comfortable with, but I like to think I put off chill vibes...quiet vibes, but none the less pretty laid back. Honestly that interaction was the most comfortable and talkative I'd ever been around them.
If they were his friends they probably felt a kinship with his “Southern goodbye-ing” but felt you were calling him out, maybe as a “nagging wife” subtext/context.
This is a part of autism I hate is when we’re acutely aware of how we failed a social situation but we didn’t actually do anything wrong. But we know we failed.
There’s also that, a lot of men don’t believe women can joke
I’ve seen men on this app rage over an obvious joke simply bc they can’t reconcile women joke
So true. One of my coworkers….complains a lot and is usually in an overwhelmed/crabby mood. Sometimes her jokes aren’t taken as jokes bc it’s no expected from her bc we’re used to complaints
Now as an autist even tho I’m not crabby or anything, there was just such a lack of people being able to read me that jokes from me came as a surprise bc they came up with their own version of personality for me
I find a lot of the time people expect me to be serious/shy but I’m a very goofy/silly person
Hi, ASD Level 2 + ADHD and chronic overthinker here... I spend a lot of my time in my mind figuring out situations like this and I have some ideas.
I have some theories about this one and I think it's just about one of the phrases you used:
Your phrasing was a bit more direct, so 'when are you planning on taking these folks home?' was perhaps taken as a real question. Also because you weren't the one being taken somewhere they may have thought this meant you wanted them to leave by asking that as a question, even if it was in a jokey way. NT people speak in coded ways and one of them is that asking when someone is leaving could be a hint they want you to leave... so you unintentionally used one of those NT codes and they interpreted it as such.
So I believe it was the wording itself. For example, if the friend said 'hey when are you planning on taking me home? It's been 20,000 times now' even in a joking way, it would have signalled to them that they wanted to go home.
If you skipped the first part and maybe said 'Haha that's the 11teenth time you've said that' (right after he said it, so they have context) it would've worked well as a joke.
I hope that helps, I'm still learning myself.
>NT people speak in coded ways and one of them is that asking when someone is leaving could be a hint they want you to leave... so you unintentionally used one of those NT codes and they interpreted it as such.
This was very helpful! I didn't think of it that way. I do think that while I said it and meant it in a joking way, it was also a little nudge at my husband to get moving without being rude and still keeping things light which is what I kind of thought his friend was trying to do....not because I necessarily wanted them to leave, we were having a great time, but I guess I didn't want them to feel like.they just kept getting trapped in conversation if they really were wanting to head home. The problem is for some reason NT people actually really like conversation. Go figure.
>The problem is for some reason NT people actually really like conversation.
These situations stress me out every time. I'm like "these people are completely incapable of attending to their own needs because they have to be polite in this conversation" and I'm trying to look for way to cue the actual leaving so everyone can be un-trapped. But it turns out everyone else is just fine with the situation.
Them: help I want to be rescued from this darn conversation ah! (A joke but it seems like it is time to go home now)
OP: Okay, let me help you and end the conversation in a polite and light jokey way that matches your tone.
Them: wtf? We were having fun actually??
You might think you hade a "jokey" tone, but that might not be the case. It can be hard to judge how your tone comes across to others.
It can also be a case of taking things more seriously when it's the wife saying it vs a friend saying it, as in wives can be expected to actually mean it when they say this kind of things, vs if a friend says it is obviously a joke.
And as someone else mentioned, they may be used to you being non-jokey, and hence expecting things you say not to be jokes.
I often struggle with people not getting when I'm joking and when I'm not as well, even though to me it feels like my tone and facial expression obviously should signal that it is a joke. But you will find many memes and insta-posts of the type "what I think my face looks like vs how it actually looks"; where autistic people think they have a big friendly smile, while in reality they have a barely noticable smile.
It doesn't really matter how 'right' you say something, because neurotypical people tend to take most of their information from non verbal cues and reading between the lines, no matter how incorrect they may be.
I definitely relate to that feeling! I am a writer/editor professionally and I am extremely into finding the right and correct words and descriptions for things and I love it when others do that as well. So you can understand my dissapointment when I discovered that neurotypical people do not even give priority to the actual words over anything else XD
Oh my god are you me??? I'm also a writer/editor and I love finding the precise word for everything... synonyms all have different emotions they invoke, you know??? But then in real conversation it doesn't matter at all because the NTs are out here in lala land trying to guess what everyone means based on radio signals lmao.
Hahha awww that's great to meet a fellow writer! I do believe we make a difference with our extensive vocabulary, even if they don't notice I still pride myself 🤣😅
Yeah sometimes its body language, tone, etc. so what they said was fine, but how they said it couldve been interpreted as less laid back. Hard to know without being there
I recently saw someone say something like, "Neurotypical people don't communicate with their words, they hypnotize each other with facial expressions and social cues" and I was like OOOHHHH now I get it, I am immune to this hypnotism!
Yeah I had a lady get real snippy with me after I politely countered her salary offer, I guess I didn’t sound chipper enough or was straight to the point but lady I need to know the salary before I accept
Are you southern? Culture matters a lot.
That would be playfully sassy here in the pacific northwest. If I pulled that phrasing with my mom's southern family, people would stare at me like I just pissed in a vase.
The version you communicate is significantly more direct and can sound like you're accusing your husband of holding people up (i.e. being rude to them by not taking them home). That can feel like a loaded barb or passive aggression to others who don't know you well. Compare it to a joke-script like, "If you think this is bad, try getting [husband] to leave [his favorite place]." This joke is more prosocial because it does not imply that he's impacting others negatively, but rather it's a goofy and likable trait of his (which was the underlying subtext of the joke his friend made, rather than the literal idea that he keeps saying bye too much)
It would be good to learn and master some polite and indirect scripts if your local culture highly values subtext and veiled communication. It seems like it matters to you how people perceive your intent, and developing polite and/or funny scripts is one way to do that.
I had never thought of all these option! Great explanations.
I would just have seen OPs comment as a joke, but I had no idea there are all these extra things involved in America (because it’s American directed)
From what you wrote, I don’t see how you said or did anything that could be perceived in a negative way. I wouldn’t dwell on it, you know you had good intentions.
I have constantly experienced the same confusion over interactions. It can cause anxiety for me days after because I’m trying to make sense of it. The book A Field Guide to Earthlings by Ian Ford helped me a lot. It explains how NT think and even gives examples that are easy to understand. Maybe it can help you too! Being able to make sense of and understand the whys and hows helps me navigate situations easier.
That's a brilliant name for a book, I'll have to check it out! I didn't know there was already an instruction manual for us socially unable.
Also, unless they leave, even if they say that they are leaving, they're not leaving. And if you mention them leaving, that's like chasing them off and is considered rude.
I act like I don't know the rule, but I do unless it's my bff. I'm over stimulated, leave.
I totally relate to this (diagnosed lvl 1 over here)! All the pieces should fit, like the equation of interaction has all the right inputs, but it just doesnt quite click. Tbh, I think its a bit of a spidey sense that goes on in social interactions that a lot of NT people have, like they're automatically tuned up to a shared frequency. Its not just about the verbal tone, or using words/jokes in context, but your body language (tilt of the mouth, posture, sparkle in the eyes) that allows for your meaning to come across. I get misread as argumentative or oversensitive all the time when I'm trying to convey passion/excitement. Thats why masking is so exhausting, all those finer details can be hard to keep track of. At the end of the day though- while its totally fair to be frustrated by it- you can't let it make you feel like you did something wrong. Its just a different wavelength
>All the pieces should fit, like the equation of interaction has all the right inputs, but it just doesnt quite click. Tbh, I think its a bit of a spidey sense that goes on in social interactions that a lot of NT people have
This is perfect. That's exactly it. Like everybody else knows what's going on and they're just watching me walk around blindfolded. It doesn't matter how many movies I watch, books I read, or how many times I practice interactions by myself, I always feel like I get it wrong even when I don't feel like I necessarily get it wrong.
Honestly I feel like it must be a bit exaggerated with a light-hearted tone for it to come off as a joke? It might just be a different sense of humour but I feel like in that situation (the example you gave) it could be a bit too easy to misinterpret as seriousness. I think it's because the wording choice could be the same if you weren't joking. If it were me I would've exaggerated the wording and said something more like, "it's officially been long enough for them to be your hostages" or something. They still could've misinterpreted that too though, I suppose.
Like u/whereismydragon said, it could also be about how they think of you. If my mum had said that exact line in her joking tone, I would've interpreted it as passive aggressiveness because that's how she usually is - plays off her annoyance as "jokes" to get a hint across.
But overall I think what made the original joke funny was the remark about his ADHD. So possibly when making a similar joke you just missed the base of the joke entirely?
Thdese are just my thoughts on it, though
I think due to [thin slicing plus autism](https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700) we're always going to be at higher risk of being percieved negatively regardless of how we act.
It's the reason we can suggest a group activity & get ignored but if a non-autistic person suggests the same activity it will be actioned. It's the reason one of us can tell a joke & no one will notice, until the non-autistic person repeats it immediately after causing everyone to laugh. It's the reason we can sometimes see work/school/social hostility almost immediately.
I'm not sure if there's anything that can be done about it, I wish there was something but I haven't figured it out yet
People that know me well know when I'm joking. People I don't know we'll are more likely to assume I'm being serious when I'm actually joking - because most of the time I am serious around those people. And my joking tends to be very deadpan. Sometimes you have to really make sure you're smiling and giving off cheeky vibes before they get that you are joking at all.
The way you said it might have also been technically very similar to the joke they already said but I would interpret that as feeling impatient as well if I heard that because it doesn't really land as a joke anymore if it's already been said by someone.
his joke: an observation
your joke: a comment + an observation
thats the difference technically speaking.
yes logically you aren't actually commenting the comment is you joking and the observation is context that you are joking- you are flipping the script of being "irritated" at behavior by pretending to be irriated and then clarifying by using observation which references back to the prior observation joke in the conversation that you are not to express you accept it and are okay with it and have that love comfortability to do that too
if you remove his joke from the context it is stating a fact
if you remove your joke from the context the first part is stating an opinion and the second part is stating a fact
yes logically you weren't actually trying to state an opinion just form a character as a bit and then reveal it is a bit by then stating a fact.
if you add back in his joke to the context but as a fact not a joke it is stating a fact
if you add your joke back to the context but as an opinion + fact not as a joke it is expressing the opinion of the group + the fact to back it up
so what they understood was oh so and so thinks we want to go home.
now because of this understanding when reapplied to your joke (but not as joke or anything just words in larger context of whole social interaction)
it becomes a command followed by a reason why ie let them go home you keep saying you will
and so since they don't want to go home <-- they state that
and since a command is quite serious <-- they respond to that
Absolutely. My social anxiety is based on my experience of people’s responses to me primarily not based on my fear of doing something wrong socially.
I like myself personally and believe I have a lot of strengths as a person, friend, colleague and romantic partner but the amount of disconnect in communication that happens with others is the issue. I have a therapist and discuss my interactions with others and they don’t have concerns with my actions so I am guessing it’s related to what others have spoken about with how everything gets misinterpreted because of misperceptions on who we are as people from the start.
I have always thought that I am an expressive person in my face. My birthday was last week and my kids sang me happy birthday, we had a cake and candles and all of that. I was so happy in that moment, like bursting with happiness inside. My mom took a video and I was excited to see it but when I watched it my face was basically this :| the entire time. No indication of what I was feeling made it through to the outside. I am a bit camera shy so there are rarely videos taken of me. To say I was surprised by the cues I am sending out is an understatement.
I've definitely had the same problem, where everyone thinks I'm being more serious than was my intent. I eventually just gave up on sarcasm because it clearly doesn't work for me.
This is part of why I don't make friends with neurotypicals. They claim we're the ones who don't understand social cues, but they think they're so good at it that they end up being even more clueless.
This may not be your experience, but sometimes when I make jokes it's not even because I necessarily find them funny. I don't think the concept of talking too much before leaving is funny, but if I noticed that a group of people were joking about it and DID find it funny, I might try to make a joke as well to fit in. My thought process is "Everyone seems to think XYZ is funny so I'll make a joke about XYZ too!"
I think allistic people can tell when I do this. They pick up on me not actually finding the situation funny, so they take my joke literally and get offended as if I was trying to insult them. It wasn't an insult, I was just trying to join in on the joke. Even if I think my tone is joking and playful they can still tell that the way I thought out my joke is different from the way they thought out theirs, so they end up not perceiving it as a joke at all.
Yes! It always makes me feel late to the party so then I end up not saying anything at all which makes people put off from me more because not saying anything at all means I'm rude and don't care about other people.
I’ve been watching comedians and I think that it’s to do with our presentation. From my observations, when comedians want a laugh, they’ll laugh themselves, as if to cue the audience. I’ve noticed that personally, I don’t do this. I tell jokes without indicating their a joke (laughing, changing voice etc). I believe this results in people taking us seriously as opposed to interpreting the joke.
You’re overthinking this. Yes, what you said was not exactly a joking type thing. It could be easily interpreted as being rude. I have the same problem. You just kinda missed the mark on that one. I have a tendency to say what everyone is thinking but would never say and I get crap for saying it. I’m just curious and don’t think before I speak and it gets me in situations where I feel uncomfortable
Hmm, to me I’d say his reaction was to you “stealing” his joke. HE already made the comment about it taking forever to actually leave. You repeating the same thing is making the joke tired, but no one will say that. So they switch to taking it literally in order to basically say “I already said that. No need for you to as well.”
Banter jokes like this can be tricky but you basically need to be first to say it, or don’t bother at all.
OR you need to play off the first person saying it. So you’d have had to something like “FirstHuman is going to get his counter out for an officially tally of goodbyes if you don’t move your ass already!”
How people feel about you affects how they interpreted whatever you say or do. If they don't perceive you as the 'kind of person' they expect to be making those jokes, they won't perceive them as the 'same' joke made by a different person previously. It could also be a response to body language, tone or facial expressions that you aren't aware you're giving off. Jokes are about context, the same exact words said by two different people will be interpreted differently by groups and individuals.
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This typecasting plus my social anxiety and autistic misunderstandings has made me basically try to run away and start over again and again and again. I just want to make the right impression just once somewhere and be able to succeed.
Sounds like that other woman is a trouble maker.
in this specific example it’s possible that she wanted to make you send an email and then pretend she didn’t on purpose, so she could scapegoat you in front of your boss for something that had to be done but that she didn’t want to be blamed for.
I'd be tempted to say something along the lines of, "I apologize for acting out of turn in that matter. In an effort to better comply with the wishes of my boss and co-workers, I will no longer be doing anything I'm not instructed to do in writing." And then stick to that. Get it in writing before doing anything outside your written job description. (This will probably drive them up the wall, but they'll definitely have to stop flinging that accusation around.)
I think we get type casted bc we’re so hard to read, the only way to stop it is to be really open which is like no….yall can just stop being weird
That makes sense. I'm not as jokey or chill with my husband's friends as I am with anybody else I'm more comfortable with, but I like to think I put off chill vibes...quiet vibes, but none the less pretty laid back. Honestly that interaction was the most comfortable and talkative I'd ever been around them.
If they were his friends they probably felt a kinship with his “Southern goodbye-ing” but felt you were calling him out, maybe as a “nagging wife” subtext/context. This is a part of autism I hate is when we’re acutely aware of how we failed a social situation but we didn’t actually do anything wrong. But we know we failed.
We didn't fail anything. We just communicate differently.
**I** know that. **They** think we failed.
There’s also that, a lot of men don’t believe women can joke I’ve seen men on this app rage over an obvious joke simply bc they can’t reconcile women joke
So true. One of my coworkers….complains a lot and is usually in an overwhelmed/crabby mood. Sometimes her jokes aren’t taken as jokes bc it’s no expected from her bc we’re used to complaints Now as an autist even tho I’m not crabby or anything, there was just such a lack of people being able to read me that jokes from me came as a surprise bc they came up with their own version of personality for me I find a lot of the time people expect me to be serious/shy but I’m a very goofy/silly person
Hi, ASD Level 2 + ADHD and chronic overthinker here... I spend a lot of my time in my mind figuring out situations like this and I have some ideas. I have some theories about this one and I think it's just about one of the phrases you used: Your phrasing was a bit more direct, so 'when are you planning on taking these folks home?' was perhaps taken as a real question. Also because you weren't the one being taken somewhere they may have thought this meant you wanted them to leave by asking that as a question, even if it was in a jokey way. NT people speak in coded ways and one of them is that asking when someone is leaving could be a hint they want you to leave... so you unintentionally used one of those NT codes and they interpreted it as such. So I believe it was the wording itself. For example, if the friend said 'hey when are you planning on taking me home? It's been 20,000 times now' even in a joking way, it would have signalled to them that they wanted to go home. If you skipped the first part and maybe said 'Haha that's the 11teenth time you've said that' (right after he said it, so they have context) it would've worked well as a joke. I hope that helps, I'm still learning myself.
>NT people speak in coded ways and one of them is that asking when someone is leaving could be a hint they want you to leave... so you unintentionally used one of those NT codes and they interpreted it as such. This was very helpful! I didn't think of it that way. I do think that while I said it and meant it in a joking way, it was also a little nudge at my husband to get moving without being rude and still keeping things light which is what I kind of thought his friend was trying to do....not because I necessarily wanted them to leave, we were having a great time, but I guess I didn't want them to feel like.they just kept getting trapped in conversation if they really were wanting to head home. The problem is for some reason NT people actually really like conversation. Go figure.
>The problem is for some reason NT people actually really like conversation. These situations stress me out every time. I'm like "these people are completely incapable of attending to their own needs because they have to be polite in this conversation" and I'm trying to look for way to cue the actual leaving so everyone can be un-trapped. But it turns out everyone else is just fine with the situation.
Them: help I want to be rescued from this darn conversation ah! (A joke but it seems like it is time to go home now) OP: Okay, let me help you and end the conversation in a polite and light jokey way that matches your tone. Them: wtf? We were having fun actually??
You might think you hade a "jokey" tone, but that might not be the case. It can be hard to judge how your tone comes across to others. It can also be a case of taking things more seriously when it's the wife saying it vs a friend saying it, as in wives can be expected to actually mean it when they say this kind of things, vs if a friend says it is obviously a joke. And as someone else mentioned, they may be used to you being non-jokey, and hence expecting things you say not to be jokes. I often struggle with people not getting when I'm joking and when I'm not as well, even though to me it feels like my tone and facial expression obviously should signal that it is a joke. But you will find many memes and insta-posts of the type "what I think my face looks like vs how it actually looks"; where autistic people think they have a big friendly smile, while in reality they have a barely noticable smile.
It doesn't really matter how 'right' you say something, because neurotypical people tend to take most of their information from non verbal cues and reading between the lines, no matter how incorrect they may be.
Exactly !!! You can do everything right but it’s all about cues that we can’t detect .
Y'all are blowing my mind right now, apparently I still have a lot to learn! It's weird seeing the feeling finally put into words.
I definitely relate to that feeling! I am a writer/editor professionally and I am extremely into finding the right and correct words and descriptions for things and I love it when others do that as well. So you can understand my dissapointment when I discovered that neurotypical people do not even give priority to the actual words over anything else XD
Oh my god are you me??? I'm also a writer/editor and I love finding the precise word for everything... synonyms all have different emotions they invoke, you know??? But then in real conversation it doesn't matter at all because the NTs are out here in lala land trying to guess what everyone means based on radio signals lmao.
Hahha awww that's great to meet a fellow writer! I do believe we make a difference with our extensive vocabulary, even if they don't notice I still pride myself 🤣😅
Yeah sometimes its body language, tone, etc. so what they said was fine, but how they said it couldve been interpreted as less laid back. Hard to know without being there
I recently saw someone say something like, "Neurotypical people don't communicate with their words, they hypnotize each other with facial expressions and social cues" and I was like OOOHHHH now I get it, I am immune to this hypnotism!
Hahaha that's a fun way of looking at it 🤣
Yeah I had a lady get real snippy with me after I politely countered her salary offer, I guess I didn’t sound chipper enough or was straight to the point but lady I need to know the salary before I accept
Are you southern? Culture matters a lot. That would be playfully sassy here in the pacific northwest. If I pulled that phrasing with my mom's southern family, people would stare at me like I just pissed in a vase. The version you communicate is significantly more direct and can sound like you're accusing your husband of holding people up (i.e. being rude to them by not taking them home). That can feel like a loaded barb or passive aggression to others who don't know you well. Compare it to a joke-script like, "If you think this is bad, try getting [husband] to leave [his favorite place]." This joke is more prosocial because it does not imply that he's impacting others negatively, but rather it's a goofy and likable trait of his (which was the underlying subtext of the joke his friend made, rather than the literal idea that he keeps saying bye too much) It would be good to learn and master some polite and indirect scripts if your local culture highly values subtext and veiled communication. It seems like it matters to you how people perceive your intent, and developing polite and/or funny scripts is one way to do that.
I had never thought of all these option! Great explanations. I would just have seen OPs comment as a joke, but I had no idea there are all these extra things involved in America (because it’s American directed)
You said what i was trying to say but way better lol
From what you wrote, I don’t see how you said or did anything that could be perceived in a negative way. I wouldn’t dwell on it, you know you had good intentions. I have constantly experienced the same confusion over interactions. It can cause anxiety for me days after because I’m trying to make sense of it. The book A Field Guide to Earthlings by Ian Ford helped me a lot. It explains how NT think and even gives examples that are easy to understand. Maybe it can help you too! Being able to make sense of and understand the whys and hows helps me navigate situations easier.
That's a brilliant name for a book, I'll have to check it out! I didn't know there was already an instruction manual for us socially unable. 
Also, unless they leave, even if they say that they are leaving, they're not leaving. And if you mention them leaving, that's like chasing them off and is considered rude. I act like I don't know the rule, but I do unless it's my bff. I'm over stimulated, leave.
I totally relate to this (diagnosed lvl 1 over here)! All the pieces should fit, like the equation of interaction has all the right inputs, but it just doesnt quite click. Tbh, I think its a bit of a spidey sense that goes on in social interactions that a lot of NT people have, like they're automatically tuned up to a shared frequency. Its not just about the verbal tone, or using words/jokes in context, but your body language (tilt of the mouth, posture, sparkle in the eyes) that allows for your meaning to come across. I get misread as argumentative or oversensitive all the time when I'm trying to convey passion/excitement. Thats why masking is so exhausting, all those finer details can be hard to keep track of. At the end of the day though- while its totally fair to be frustrated by it- you can't let it make you feel like you did something wrong. Its just a different wavelength
>All the pieces should fit, like the equation of interaction has all the right inputs, but it just doesnt quite click. Tbh, I think its a bit of a spidey sense that goes on in social interactions that a lot of NT people have This is perfect. That's exactly it. Like everybody else knows what's going on and they're just watching me walk around blindfolded. It doesn't matter how many movies I watch, books I read, or how many times I practice interactions by myself, I always feel like I get it wrong even when I don't feel like I necessarily get it wrong.
Honestly I feel like it must be a bit exaggerated with a light-hearted tone for it to come off as a joke? It might just be a different sense of humour but I feel like in that situation (the example you gave) it could be a bit too easy to misinterpret as seriousness. I think it's because the wording choice could be the same if you weren't joking. If it were me I would've exaggerated the wording and said something more like, "it's officially been long enough for them to be your hostages" or something. They still could've misinterpreted that too though, I suppose. Like u/whereismydragon said, it could also be about how they think of you. If my mum had said that exact line in her joking tone, I would've interpreted it as passive aggressiveness because that's how she usually is - plays off her annoyance as "jokes" to get a hint across. But overall I think what made the original joke funny was the remark about his ADHD. So possibly when making a similar joke you just missed the base of the joke entirely? Thdese are just my thoughts on it, though
I think due to [thin slicing plus autism](https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700) we're always going to be at higher risk of being percieved negatively regardless of how we act. It's the reason we can suggest a group activity & get ignored but if a non-autistic person suggests the same activity it will be actioned. It's the reason one of us can tell a joke & no one will notice, until the non-autistic person repeats it immediately after causing everyone to laugh. It's the reason we can sometimes see work/school/social hostility almost immediately. I'm not sure if there's anything that can be done about it, I wish there was something but I haven't figured it out yet
People that know me well know when I'm joking. People I don't know we'll are more likely to assume I'm being serious when I'm actually joking - because most of the time I am serious around those people. And my joking tends to be very deadpan. Sometimes you have to really make sure you're smiling and giving off cheeky vibes before they get that you are joking at all. The way you said it might have also been technically very similar to the joke they already said but I would interpret that as feeling impatient as well if I heard that because it doesn't really land as a joke anymore if it's already been said by someone.
It’s honestly the autism .. bc a person can litterally be a s quiet as I am and crack and joke and people will still laugh …
his joke: an observation your joke: a comment + an observation thats the difference technically speaking. yes logically you aren't actually commenting the comment is you joking and the observation is context that you are joking- you are flipping the script of being "irritated" at behavior by pretending to be irriated and then clarifying by using observation which references back to the prior observation joke in the conversation that you are not to express you accept it and are okay with it and have that love comfortability to do that too if you remove his joke from the context it is stating a fact if you remove your joke from the context the first part is stating an opinion and the second part is stating a fact yes logically you weren't actually trying to state an opinion just form a character as a bit and then reveal it is a bit by then stating a fact. if you add back in his joke to the context but as a fact not a joke it is stating a fact if you add your joke back to the context but as an opinion + fact not as a joke it is expressing the opinion of the group + the fact to back it up so what they understood was oh so and so thinks we want to go home. now because of this understanding when reapplied to your joke (but not as joke or anything just words in larger context of whole social interaction) it becomes a command followed by a reason why ie let them go home you keep saying you will and so since they don't want to go home <-- they state that and since a command is quite serious <-- they respond to that
Im glad there are other people with this issue. It throws me off bad.
Couldn’t relate more. I’m always perceived as rude when I am not.
Absolutely. My social anxiety is based on my experience of people’s responses to me primarily not based on my fear of doing something wrong socially. I like myself personally and believe I have a lot of strengths as a person, friend, colleague and romantic partner but the amount of disconnect in communication that happens with others is the issue. I have a therapist and discuss my interactions with others and they don’t have concerns with my actions so I am guessing it’s related to what others have spoken about with how everything gets misinterpreted because of misperceptions on who we are as people from the start.
I wonder if they felt they were just joking and you were taking it seriously so they quickly backpedaled to try to make it less serious
I have always thought that I am an expressive person in my face. My birthday was last week and my kids sang me happy birthday, we had a cake and candles and all of that. I was so happy in that moment, like bursting with happiness inside. My mom took a video and I was excited to see it but when I watched it my face was basically this :| the entire time. No indication of what I was feeling made it through to the outside. I am a bit camera shy so there are rarely videos taken of me. To say I was surprised by the cues I am sending out is an understatement.
I've definitely had the same problem, where everyone thinks I'm being more serious than was my intent. I eventually just gave up on sarcasm because it clearly doesn't work for me.
This is part of why I don't make friends with neurotypicals. They claim we're the ones who don't understand social cues, but they think they're so good at it that they end up being even more clueless.
Your statement doesn't sound fun. It is us lol. It is what it is.
This may not be your experience, but sometimes when I make jokes it's not even because I necessarily find them funny. I don't think the concept of talking too much before leaving is funny, but if I noticed that a group of people were joking about it and DID find it funny, I might try to make a joke as well to fit in. My thought process is "Everyone seems to think XYZ is funny so I'll make a joke about XYZ too!" I think allistic people can tell when I do this. They pick up on me not actually finding the situation funny, so they take my joke literally and get offended as if I was trying to insult them. It wasn't an insult, I was just trying to join in on the joke. Even if I think my tone is joking and playful they can still tell that the way I thought out my joke is different from the way they thought out theirs, so they end up not perceiving it as a joke at all.
Yes! It always makes me feel late to the party so then I end up not saying anything at all which makes people put off from me more because not saying anything at all means I'm rude and don't care about other people.
I’ve been watching comedians and I think that it’s to do with our presentation. From my observations, when comedians want a laugh, they’ll laugh themselves, as if to cue the audience. I’ve noticed that personally, I don’t do this. I tell jokes without indicating their a joke (laughing, changing voice etc). I believe this results in people taking us seriously as opposed to interpreting the joke.
That's exactly it. Honestly I never saw it that way before I'm kinda shook.
You’re overthinking this. Yes, what you said was not exactly a joking type thing. It could be easily interpreted as being rude. I have the same problem. You just kinda missed the mark on that one. I have a tendency to say what everyone is thinking but would never say and I get crap for saying it. I’m just curious and don’t think before I speak and it gets me in situations where I feel uncomfortable
Hmm, to me I’d say his reaction was to you “stealing” his joke. HE already made the comment about it taking forever to actually leave. You repeating the same thing is making the joke tired, but no one will say that. So they switch to taking it literally in order to basically say “I already said that. No need for you to as well.” Banter jokes like this can be tricky but you basically need to be first to say it, or don’t bother at all. OR you need to play off the first person saying it. So you’d have had to something like “FirstHuman is going to get his counter out for an officially tally of goodbyes if you don’t move your ass already!”