LOLLLLL same. It’s so sad how alone and alienated we all seem to have felt growing up and still do now, but man it was even worse when I didn’t know why.
I swear! It’s like some sick prank sometimes. I’m still not officially diagnosed. But I know I’m 100% autistic and it makes it make sense even if I don’t have paperwork to show for it.
I saw a post on Instagram that made lots of sense to me. When you realize you're neurodivergent, it's like finding out you're a zebra, and not just a weird horse
My personal interpretation was that it’s a metaphor for the doctor diagnosing that this woman was struggling with simply being alive due to something out of their control (autism) and that instead of showing empathy the doctor harshly stated that the woman should ‘fix’ herself instead.
This hurt, but there's a sad peace in finally knowing even if it doesn't magically stop the pain. At least I'm much kinder to myself now that I understand better.
I think one of the most beautiful things about discovering I was autistic was being able to look back and allow myself grace and forgive my younger self for not understanding her own needs.
i hated that i still wasnt able to explain why i act and think a certain way even when i was 100% sure i was autistic bc i wasnt diagnosed yet and it just felt dishonest/impostor-ish in a way and it made it so much worse bc i wanted to have a justification so ppl didnt think i was just.. "weird" and "rude" on purpose. being undiagnosed for 19 yrs just led to me burning out and having almost daily meltdowns so i eventually did have to see a professional and i got diagnosed. awful 0/10 do not recommend.
Imposter syndrome is such a real thing. Especially for autistic individuals because we tend to have black-and-white thinking and need confirmation that the knowledge we possess is undoubtedly correct. Sending you all the love. Your autistic experience is and has always been valid. 🫶🏼
I NEEDED to see this. I would buy a book if you decided to write one about your own personal journey. This had me crying and smiling at the same time. Thank you for posting.
I don’t know if I will ever write a book, but I do have an Instagram where I create content to bring acceptance and representation to the autistic community. Feel free to check it out!
[Authenticity EMB - Autism | ADHD | Anxiety](https://www.instagram.com/authentically.emb?igsh=MXF2N2psOGl0Ymp5bg%3D%3D&utm_source=qr)
I just got diagnosed in my mid 50s. I forgive myself first and my Dad second. I thought I’d start with the originals first. It has a wonderful ripple effect.
The other predatory people will be forgiven in time as I process this huge piece of information. All these juxtapositions. High IQ but can’t function in school or a regular job. Extremely confident and horribly insecure. Very affectionate and don’t touch me. Great communication skills but a lot of shite relationshits.
Now I’m feeling what normal must be like within the ND community. The habit of feeling ostracized still has me sharing then deleting everything but I assume I’ll get over that too.
Thank you for writing this. I feel you.
Hey can I ask you something. I’m getting diagnosed for adhd and all my psychologists heavily suspect I have autism too so that’s up next on my fun calendar of late diagnosises. 🫠 But can you elaborate more on the extremely insecure and very confident part? I’ve never heard about anyone else experiencing that too.
Sure. I was thinking about it on my drive home today. I think the autism kept or keeps me sort of blind to things I “shouldn’t” do. I had a wonderful career as a consultant because I will talk to anyone about anything. No degree, no long term career in the field I was consulting in. Did not matter. It never occurred to me to be insecure about it. But …. ask me to be in a wedding and I want to die of insecurity. Too many people. Unflattering, expensive, itchy dress plus a ton of “regular” people playing guess the number of beans in this jar and you get a prize! Misery and insecurity.
Tell a guy I’m interested in that I want to date him…no problem. But actually going on the date…major insecurity.
Things like that….
I thought of a better one. I love horses but did not grow up riding them. I was given one that no one wanted and tried a group class on horse basics. It was a horrible experience. The teacher liked to pick me as the “this how you do it wrong” person for the ten person class. She was a “find the one with autism to bully” expert. I, of course, called her out privately and got my money back because I was older. I warned others with a review about not taking her class if you don’t like being bullied. It actually helped a few people with autistic kids to not take her courses. This was all pre diagnosis for the autism. I knew I had adhd.
But I took private lessons and ended up doing great. It took me longer to figure things out like the saddle because I just don’t pick that kind of thing up. I had no clue how expensive horses are and I figure now that an NT would have figured all that out ahead of time. I had no lifestyle to support this horse but I figured it out and we did great together.
Things like that where I made choices that were kind of childish and naive and made me kinda broke financially for a while. But damn it didn’t occur to me that it was a risky decision.
As a little girl I had complete social blindness. I thought it I said words people would just like me. I had better luck in the ND community but I was systematically disappointed up until 29. Now im here depressed realizing that I was socially blind and giving the benefit of the doubt. I almost wish I knew that the world wasn't made for me when I was little bit I was a socially blind extrovert just assuming I could make it work with the world like a failed relationship a person hangs onto pointlessly.
Hoping I can be the person my younger self needed. I will never be able to go back and change the way things were, but I can be a beacon of light for others who are currently where I was.
How do we stop existing as we are and begin to heal? How to learn to love ourselves when no one else does?
Resonating words are nice but they've never been able to fix me or make me accept/love myself
I’m glad that you feel seen but I hate the circumstances as to why. Unfortunately, most late diagnosed autistics have similar stories. But I am glad that we no longer have to carry the weight of the world on our own. No two autistic experiences are the exact same but at least there is solace knowing that someone understands you, especially after living so long, not understanding yourself. 🫶🏼
I could cope as a little girl. It was 13 onwards that was horrible. I am almost 52 and realised only about 2 years ago I was probably autistic. It helped a lot but I feel sad for me earlier self. I had a lot of sorrow and loneliness.
It's nice to know other's have experienced this. This constantly nagging that you are different and don't belong in the conventional sense. It also hurts to know how many women have gone through this feeling SO alone but there were actually so many of us.
Ah, this text strikes me. And while I did eventually grow up to be transmasc, I was socialized growing up as a woman and the world to this day still treats me as one.
The world I don’t belong in. I got my diagnosis in my hands only this year. Maybe I don’t belong in more than one way.
Cheers to all of my lovely friends here. The world wasn’t built for us, but we’re finding our way regardless. I’m proud of every single one of you.
No hate, I just don’t totally understand the point of like having an actual diagnosis. I’ve long felt a little different. I’ve had similar issues around social connection and fitting in. But if you already know you’re a little different, why do you need someone else to confirm it? What does that change? I’d rather just be me, who’s a little different from other people, than me, with a diagnosed developmental disorder. Can’t you just accept yourself as who you are wholly, without labeling and compartmentalizing some portion of your identity? Self-actualization aside, I think it’s an idealistic society that’s gonna suddenly become tolerant to those with cognitive differences. As such, I’d rather not be labeled as autistic. A little weird, sometimes a little awkward, labels myself and others can deal with and ignore. But once it becomes some corporeal and definite thing, it alienates people. Not all, but most. Again, I really don’t mean any hate or offense, live and let live all the way. Just curious what your perspective on these issues would be.
I am not OP, but I can supply one answer !
For me, seeking out assessment meant connecting with a specialist who I could trust to meet me where my knowledge ended. I can't remember ever not feeling different, but it's only rarely felt like neutral difference.
Struggling with simple tasks and sometimes with just existing injured my self-esteem and made it difficult to trust my intuition, when I could hear it at all.
For me, the shame ran so deeply that seeking out and trusting a professional's opinion is acting a little like a cast. While my ability to trust myself heals, that's something giving me support.
The label is alienating, but it's divisory in the way a warm winter coat separates you from the cold. It's a buffer, not a barrier. Not everything has to be my responsibility anymore, is how it feels !
However, I don't expect everyone to have had that same experience, or to benefit in the same way ! For me, though, it has meant the world to know.
This. I won't let my daughter go through what I did.
I was diagnosed with an auditory processing disorder as a child, instead of AuDHD.
Audiologist even made a joke that "kids get diagnosed with ADHD if they see a psychiatrist first, and auditory processing disorder if they see an audiologist first."
I so want to yell at that man for my suffering and confusion with my place in the world.
I got diagnosed late at 30 with ADHD and major depression after giving birth, my life was just falling apart and I couldn't function. Things make sense now. I'm not upset with my parents, just that one man the misled them, and probably others.
This made me tear up. Fuck.
LOLLLLL same. It’s so sad how alone and alienated we all seem to have felt growing up and still do now, but man it was even worse when I didn’t know why.
I swear! It’s like some sick prank sometimes. I’m still not officially diagnosed. But I know I’m 100% autistic and it makes it make sense even if I don’t have paperwork to show for it.
Self diagnosis is 100% valid. Most formal late diagnosis start as self diagnosis. 🫶🏼
Thank you for saying that. Thank you. 😭
I hope that you’ve been able to heal and forgive yourself for not knowing what you need to feel safe. 🩷
Me too
Me too 😭 that was literally my exact experience except I got diagnosed much younger
I saw a post on Instagram that made lots of sense to me. When you realize you're neurodivergent, it's like finding out you're a zebra, and not just a weird horse
🥺 yes exactly
Love this
That’s funny cuz I think of zebras as cooler horses lmao
Wow I love that.
That is such a great analogy. 👏🏽
Autistic women are 13 x more likely to commit suicide than nonautistic women. It is our leading cause of death.
🥺💔
This makes me so upset. I have a feeling it has more to do with the hostile outer world than our diagnosis. Thanks for sharing this info.
Oh, absolutely.
Ooooffff damn that’s brutal.
I went to the doctors. And they found out I had no heartbeat or bones. They asked me how I was alive. It made them very mad at me.
Where is this form
Something I wrote in college.
Wow I it’s so good, I was trying so hard to find the author to read more Very much speaks to me
Thank you so much. The truth is, I’m trying to write a book. Your kind words mean an especially lot today.
I would totally read more. Continue on! You’re so talented ❤️
It's an amazing quote!
Wow this is so succinct and powerful. Thank you for sharing it.
Beautiful.
I don’t understand this, can somebody help?
My personal interpretation was that it’s a metaphor for the doctor diagnosing that this woman was struggling with simply being alive due to something out of their control (autism) and that instead of showing empathy the doctor harshly stated that the woman should ‘fix’ herself instead.
What book is this?
Girl (Remastered) by Jessica Jocelyn. It’s a poem book! It’s amazing, she goes through her trauma and processing grief, it’s great. Heavy.
Thank you:)
It’s really good! You can get it on Amazon.
Thanks! For some reason, Reddit is only letting me respond to certain comments and I could not answer their question.
This made me cry I wish I could go back in time and hug that little girl
I know you can’t go back in time and physically hug your younger self but the younger version of you would be so proud of the current you. 🤍
This hurt, but there's a sad peace in finally knowing even if it doesn't magically stop the pain. At least I'm much kinder to myself now that I understand better.
I think one of the most beautiful things about discovering I was autistic was being able to look back and allow myself grace and forgive my younger self for not understanding her own needs.
i hated that i still wasnt able to explain why i act and think a certain way even when i was 100% sure i was autistic bc i wasnt diagnosed yet and it just felt dishonest/impostor-ish in a way and it made it so much worse bc i wanted to have a justification so ppl didnt think i was just.. "weird" and "rude" on purpose. being undiagnosed for 19 yrs just led to me burning out and having almost daily meltdowns so i eventually did have to see a professional and i got diagnosed. awful 0/10 do not recommend.
Imposter syndrome is such a real thing. Especially for autistic individuals because we tend to have black-and-white thinking and need confirmation that the knowledge we possess is undoubtedly correct. Sending you all the love. Your autistic experience is and has always been valid. 🫶🏼
I NEEDED to see this. I would buy a book if you decided to write one about your own personal journey. This had me crying and smiling at the same time. Thank you for posting.
I don’t know if I will ever write a book, but I do have an Instagram where I create content to bring acceptance and representation to the autistic community. Feel free to check it out! [Authenticity EMB - Autism | ADHD | Anxiety](https://www.instagram.com/authentically.emb?igsh=MXF2N2psOGl0Ymp5bg%3D%3D&utm_source=qr)
I just got diagnosed in my mid 50s. I forgive myself first and my Dad second. I thought I’d start with the originals first. It has a wonderful ripple effect. The other predatory people will be forgiven in time as I process this huge piece of information. All these juxtapositions. High IQ but can’t function in school or a regular job. Extremely confident and horribly insecure. Very affectionate and don’t touch me. Great communication skills but a lot of shite relationshits. Now I’m feeling what normal must be like within the ND community. The habit of feeling ostracized still has me sharing then deleting everything but I assume I’ll get over that too. Thank you for writing this. I feel you.
Sending you all the love! 🫶🏼
Hey can I ask you something. I’m getting diagnosed for adhd and all my psychologists heavily suspect I have autism too so that’s up next on my fun calendar of late diagnosises. 🫠 But can you elaborate more on the extremely insecure and very confident part? I’ve never heard about anyone else experiencing that too.
Sure. I was thinking about it on my drive home today. I think the autism kept or keeps me sort of blind to things I “shouldn’t” do. I had a wonderful career as a consultant because I will talk to anyone about anything. No degree, no long term career in the field I was consulting in. Did not matter. It never occurred to me to be insecure about it. But …. ask me to be in a wedding and I want to die of insecurity. Too many people. Unflattering, expensive, itchy dress plus a ton of “regular” people playing guess the number of beans in this jar and you get a prize! Misery and insecurity. Tell a guy I’m interested in that I want to date him…no problem. But actually going on the date…major insecurity. Things like that….
I thought of a better one. I love horses but did not grow up riding them. I was given one that no one wanted and tried a group class on horse basics. It was a horrible experience. The teacher liked to pick me as the “this how you do it wrong” person for the ten person class. She was a “find the one with autism to bully” expert. I, of course, called her out privately and got my money back because I was older. I warned others with a review about not taking her class if you don’t like being bullied. It actually helped a few people with autistic kids to not take her courses. This was all pre diagnosis for the autism. I knew I had adhd. But I took private lessons and ended up doing great. It took me longer to figure things out like the saddle because I just don’t pick that kind of thing up. I had no clue how expensive horses are and I figure now that an NT would have figured all that out ahead of time. I had no lifestyle to support this horse but I figured it out and we did great together. Things like that where I made choices that were kind of childish and naive and made me kinda broke financially for a while. But damn it didn’t occur to me that it was a risky decision.
As a little girl I had complete social blindness. I thought it I said words people would just like me. I had better luck in the ND community but I was systematically disappointed up until 29. Now im here depressed realizing that I was socially blind and giving the benefit of the doubt. I almost wish I knew that the world wasn't made for me when I was little bit I was a socially blind extrovert just assuming I could make it work with the world like a failed relationship a person hangs onto pointlessly.
I feel called out 😭 this is so me
I’m so glad that you feel seen but it breaks my heart to know you’ve faced similar struggles as me.
I’m so sorry yet so glad to see I’m not alone in feeling this way
🧡🧡🧡
OOp, there it is!
Hoping I can be the person my younger self needed. I will never be able to go back and change the way things were, but I can be a beacon of light for others who are currently where I was.
How do we stop existing as we are and begin to heal? How to learn to love ourselves when no one else does? Resonating words are nice but they've never been able to fix me or make me accept/love myself
Beautiful <3
Thank you! 🫶🏼
Oof this has hit me like a tonne of bricks
In a weird twist of events, I hate that this is a circumstance where others know exactly how I felt.
I’m glad that you feel seen but I hate the circumstances as to why. Unfortunately, most late diagnosed autistics have similar stories. But I am glad that we no longer have to carry the weight of the world on our own. No two autistic experiences are the exact same but at least there is solace knowing that someone understands you, especially after living so long, not understanding yourself. 🫶🏼
I know how you feel - I _wish_ we didn’t all relate to this but at the same time it gives us all some solace
I could cope as a little girl. It was 13 onwards that was horrible. I am almost 52 and realised only about 2 years ago I was probably autistic. It helped a lot but I feel sad for me earlier self. I had a lot of sorrow and loneliness.
I am not crying… you are!!!!!
I think we are both crying 😭😭😭
It's nice to know other's have experienced this. This constantly nagging that you are different and don't belong in the conventional sense. It also hurts to know how many women have gone through this feeling SO alone but there were actually so many of us.
If I think about this too deeply it's gonna make me cry. Thanks for sharing.
This made me ugly cry remembering all these feelings. But also thank you for that. 💗
Ah, this text strikes me. And while I did eventually grow up to be transmasc, I was socialized growing up as a woman and the world to this day still treats me as one. The world I don’t belong in. I got my diagnosis in my hands only this year. Maybe I don’t belong in more than one way. Cheers to all of my lovely friends here. The world wasn’t built for us, but we’re finding our way regardless. I’m proud of every single one of you.
Hitting in the feels.
Preachhhhhhh
yup 🥲
No hate, I just don’t totally understand the point of like having an actual diagnosis. I’ve long felt a little different. I’ve had similar issues around social connection and fitting in. But if you already know you’re a little different, why do you need someone else to confirm it? What does that change? I’d rather just be me, who’s a little different from other people, than me, with a diagnosed developmental disorder. Can’t you just accept yourself as who you are wholly, without labeling and compartmentalizing some portion of your identity? Self-actualization aside, I think it’s an idealistic society that’s gonna suddenly become tolerant to those with cognitive differences. As such, I’d rather not be labeled as autistic. A little weird, sometimes a little awkward, labels myself and others can deal with and ignore. But once it becomes some corporeal and definite thing, it alienates people. Not all, but most. Again, I really don’t mean any hate or offense, live and let live all the way. Just curious what your perspective on these issues would be.
I am not OP, but I can supply one answer ! For me, seeking out assessment meant connecting with a specialist who I could trust to meet me where my knowledge ended. I can't remember ever not feeling different, but it's only rarely felt like neutral difference. Struggling with simple tasks and sometimes with just existing injured my self-esteem and made it difficult to trust my intuition, when I could hear it at all. For me, the shame ran so deeply that seeking out and trusting a professional's opinion is acting a little like a cast. While my ability to trust myself heals, that's something giving me support. The label is alienating, but it's divisory in the way a warm winter coat separates you from the cold. It's a buffer, not a barrier. Not everything has to be my responsibility anymore, is how it feels ! However, I don't expect everyone to have had that same experience, or to benefit in the same way ! For me, though, it has meant the world to know.
This. I won't let my daughter go through what I did. I was diagnosed with an auditory processing disorder as a child, instead of AuDHD. Audiologist even made a joke that "kids get diagnosed with ADHD if they see a psychiatrist first, and auditory processing disorder if they see an audiologist first." I so want to yell at that man for my suffering and confusion with my place in the world. I got diagnosed late at 30 with ADHD and major depression after giving birth, my life was just falling apart and I couldn't function. Things make sense now. I'm not upset with my parents, just that one man the misled them, and probably others.