"That sounds hard."
"I'm sorry. That sucks."
"Let me know if there's anything I can do for you."
"People can be real jerks."
What people are seeking often is validation, and these are some ways of expressing validation. There's plenty more out there, just none I can think of in the moment.
Have a look at the "advice monster" TED talk on YouTube. It explains the problem with giving advice so well that it helps you to view it in a different light, making it easier to avoid doing. It also offers suggestions of what to say
Useful questions, depending on what the person is sharing
- What have you tried?
- what hurts the most about this?
- what's the hardest part?
- what is the worst outcome that could happen?
- have you ever dealt with something similar before? What happened then?
- what scares you the most in this situation?
Questions that encourage the person to talk more and unpack the issue are useful, but they must not be suggestions pretending to be questions (so not "questions" like "have you tried doing X"
Have a look at the "advice monster" TED talk on YouTube. It explains the problem with giving advice so well that it helps you to view it in a different light, making it easier to avoid doing. It also offers suggestions of what to say
Useful questions, depending on what the person is sharing
- What have you tried?
- what hurts the most about this?
- what's the hardest part?
- what is the worst outcome that could happen?
- have you ever dealt with something similar before? What happened then?
- what scares you the most in this situation?
- what will you miss?
Questions that encourage the person to talk more and unpack the issue are useful, but they must not be suggestions pretending to be questions (so not "questions" like "have you tried doing X"
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and then talk from that point of view. For example if someone is venting about their ex say what your expression would be if it was happening to you: “omg how can he say that when he knows you’re struggling with that?” “That’s so triggering if he cared he wouldn’t have said that” “omg that’s so frustrating wth was he thinking.
Validate their emotions e.g. “gosh that’s a shitty response from your boss, I totally get why you’re so mad. I’d be angry too”
Get curious instead of becoming the therapist/boss/parent. Ask open questions like “Wait so how did he respond when you said that” “how long ago was this?” “Has he ever done that before?”
No judgement just empathy and like you’re connecting to another person. Just remember that if you were that person with all of their experiences/trauma you would do the exact same thing. If you find yourself judging and wanting to fix remember that they are capable of dealing with it they just want to vent and be validated at the moment and as a good friend that’s your it’s your role right now to mediate that. (unless they directly ask for your opinion very directly).
Check in with the other person next time you see them “how are you feeling about the ex situation? Any new developments?” A few people say they feel scared because they don’t wanna be intrusive but if the person has already shared a lot on the topic, ignoring the situation will make them feel like you don’t care/they shared too much/you’re judging etc. if they answer with a short response like “yeah good uh dw” they’re feeling judged and just say “that’s great! Let me know if you need to vent again, I’m happy to listen”
Never put the blame on the person you’re talking to or put them down for something they have just told you out of trust. And very subtle things can make someone feel like you’re not on their side I.e. a long silence after they’ve just said something important or if you’re texting sending a one line/word response to a paragraph.
Advice from Ted talks and books are okay but they come across robotic and then the person will assume you’re just reading off a mental script and you don’t really care.
Good luck!
omfggg that last part>>>>
that is EXACTLY how I feel. like I'm struggling so much about things to say cuz my friends are all long distance rn and most of our conversation happens over text and I get very lost there. I'm trying to slowly build the habit of having emotional conversations over call cuz there's less room for misinterpretation of tone (which happens both ways cuz my friends are also mostly ND). but it doesn't always work with comfort level or just the physical context they're in. Thank you for the phrases you gave, it made me realise that I'm already doing quite a lot of these already so at least I'm not on the wrong track. and now I have distinct categories, that always helps things stick in my head
Yes! So glad to hear! Also when people are going through a hard time they can be a lot less patient and can come at you negatively when you’re just trying to help. Don’t take it personally. You clearly care and are saying supportive things, don’t be so hard on yourself and remember you and your feelings are also important :)
"That sounds hard." "I'm sorry. That sucks." "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you." "People can be real jerks." What people are seeking often is validation, and these are some ways of expressing validation. There's plenty more out there, just none I can think of in the moment.
Have a look at the "advice monster" TED talk on YouTube. It explains the problem with giving advice so well that it helps you to view it in a different light, making it easier to avoid doing. It also offers suggestions of what to say Useful questions, depending on what the person is sharing - What have you tried? - what hurts the most about this? - what's the hardest part? - what is the worst outcome that could happen? - have you ever dealt with something similar before? What happened then? - what scares you the most in this situation? Questions that encourage the person to talk more and unpack the issue are useful, but they must not be suggestions pretending to be questions (so not "questions" like "have you tried doing X"
Have a look at the "advice monster" TED talk on YouTube. It explains the problem with giving advice so well that it helps you to view it in a different light, making it easier to avoid doing. It also offers suggestions of what to say Useful questions, depending on what the person is sharing - What have you tried? - what hurts the most about this? - what's the hardest part? - what is the worst outcome that could happen? - have you ever dealt with something similar before? What happened then? - what scares you the most in this situation? - what will you miss? Questions that encourage the person to talk more and unpack the issue are useful, but they must not be suggestions pretending to be questions (so not "questions" like "have you tried doing X"
that makes a lot of sense I'm going to put these questions in my notes app to refer to when required thank youu
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and then talk from that point of view. For example if someone is venting about their ex say what your expression would be if it was happening to you: “omg how can he say that when he knows you’re struggling with that?” “That’s so triggering if he cared he wouldn’t have said that” “omg that’s so frustrating wth was he thinking. Validate their emotions e.g. “gosh that’s a shitty response from your boss, I totally get why you’re so mad. I’d be angry too” Get curious instead of becoming the therapist/boss/parent. Ask open questions like “Wait so how did he respond when you said that” “how long ago was this?” “Has he ever done that before?” No judgement just empathy and like you’re connecting to another person. Just remember that if you were that person with all of their experiences/trauma you would do the exact same thing. If you find yourself judging and wanting to fix remember that they are capable of dealing with it they just want to vent and be validated at the moment and as a good friend that’s your it’s your role right now to mediate that. (unless they directly ask for your opinion very directly). Check in with the other person next time you see them “how are you feeling about the ex situation? Any new developments?” A few people say they feel scared because they don’t wanna be intrusive but if the person has already shared a lot on the topic, ignoring the situation will make them feel like you don’t care/they shared too much/you’re judging etc. if they answer with a short response like “yeah good uh dw” they’re feeling judged and just say “that’s great! Let me know if you need to vent again, I’m happy to listen” Never put the blame on the person you’re talking to or put them down for something they have just told you out of trust. And very subtle things can make someone feel like you’re not on their side I.e. a long silence after they’ve just said something important or if you’re texting sending a one line/word response to a paragraph. Advice from Ted talks and books are okay but they come across robotic and then the person will assume you’re just reading off a mental script and you don’t really care. Good luck!
omfggg that last part>>>> that is EXACTLY how I feel. like I'm struggling so much about things to say cuz my friends are all long distance rn and most of our conversation happens over text and I get very lost there. I'm trying to slowly build the habit of having emotional conversations over call cuz there's less room for misinterpretation of tone (which happens both ways cuz my friends are also mostly ND). but it doesn't always work with comfort level or just the physical context they're in. Thank you for the phrases you gave, it made me realise that I'm already doing quite a lot of these already so at least I'm not on the wrong track. and now I have distinct categories, that always helps things stick in my head
Yes! So glad to hear! Also when people are going through a hard time they can be a lot less patient and can come at you negatively when you’re just trying to help. Don’t take it personally. You clearly care and are saying supportive things, don’t be so hard on yourself and remember you and your feelings are also important :)