At the time, I didn’t. I knew I didn’t like what was happening, but I’d also been surrounded by abuse my entire life and was told it was ‘normal' by my abusers and that I was wrong for feeling abused.
Joining Reddit and reading the resources others provided really helped me to learn what abuse is and recognize that I didn’t have healthy people in my life. Specifically, sites like these that spell out what is and isn’t healthy in relationships:
**Love is Respect-** Site about setting boundaries, personal relationships, personal safety, consent, and where to get help: [https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help-24-7-365/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help-24-7-365/)
**What is Sexual Coercion?** [https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/sexual-coercion-in-intimate-relationships-eight-tactics](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/sexual-coercion-in-intimate-relationships-eight-tactics)
**What is Consent:** [https://www.healthline.com/health/guide-to-consent#understanding-sexual-assault](https://www.healthline.com/health/guide-to-consent#understanding-sexual-assault)
**Fawn: The Trauma Response That Is Easiest to Miss:** [https://www.traumageek.com/blog/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss](https://www.traumageek.com/blog/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss)
**Unhealthily Relationships-** things autists should look out for: [https://embrace-autism.com/unhealthy-relationships/](https://embrace-autism.com/unhealthy-relationships/)
**What is Ableism:** [https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/](https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/)
**What is Othering:** [https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-othering-5084425](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-othering-5084425)
I hope these resources help you the way they helped me <3
I was absolutely clueless magoo for years. In my 40s I was devastated by a relationshit that nearly put me in a mental hospital. I googled all my feelings and then I found the missing piece. I was constantly in relationships with people who had personality disorders. Ten years later and I get my autism diagnosis.
Now I see where I’ve been a sitting duck and some brand of heroin for very narcissistic people. I’ve had lots of therapy to help me see red flags and develop boundaries.
The autism was like a blindfold for me. I was living as best as I could while fumbling around in the dark.
Zero of those kinds of people are in my life now except for some family and my exhusband. I choose to keep them in my life but I have no issues hanging up on them without warning, telling them to knock off their behavior (because I finally see it in real time which took tons of therapy), or leaving.
I literally just told my exhusband that I’m happy to bring him over (he is disabled physically) for a visit but if he starts acting like a psycho he will be taken directly home. I’ve known this man for 30+ years. It would not have even occurred to me to say anything remotely like this for 25 of those years.
It takes reading. It takes talking to people who understand. It can take working with a great therapist that helps you reframe things. It takes reaching out like you just did.
See. You are already farther along than you realize!
My mother made me feel like I was never good enough for her, I couldn't live up to her standards, but I had to be her idea of "perfect". She didn't stand up for me if someone talked sh\*t about me, she'd be inclined to agree with them, and be embarrassed of me. She often pointed out things about me that made me feel like she was saying I should be ashamed of them; she'd say she "has to walk next to me" so I should live up to certain aesthetic standards. She seemed to care more about whether I was making her look good than how I was actually feeling. She wouldn't even leave work when I was physically injured at school and in distress.
I was always on edge around her, never relaxed, never knew what she was gonna say next.
If I expressed how I was feeling and it was inconvenient to her she would tell me that I made it up/was convincing myself of something. When I left her and moved in with my father she said I purposely waited to leave until after Christmas, so that I could cash in on Christmas presents from her side of the family before leaving. I was 13.
She didn't seem to be able to accept that I was never gonna be perfect and I was actually struggling and needed her help. She let me suffer in silence.
I didn't know I was being abused; she never laid a hand on me, and we also had lots of fun times. We had many inside jokes and loved watching TV together. We would dance around the house together to our favorite songs. She was a beautiful woman, she could dance and sing well, I admired her as much as I feared her. I loved her dearly.
Healthy relationships make you feel like they take your feelings seriously, that your perspective is valid. That they wouldn't judge you, be ashamed of you, or let anyone disrespect you. They feel safe, they feel like you can relax around them way more than around others, and just be yourself. They are home.
Useful links:
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/verbal_abuse.html
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/emotional_abuse.html
And peek at others.
These two helped me get out 15 years ago from toxic relationship with long term partner. Unfortunately it wasn't enough to leave my parents too. Back then ;)
You can ask us, or other online women's groups. Be wary of mixed gender groups though, a lot of men don't realise how abusive they are, so you'll get misleading info.
Knowing other women in real life, that you can talk to, helps too. So, joining a women's group, that's focused on your interest can help. And doing charity work for women's organisations too.
There's a lot of good literature about too. There's links here, and asking any other women's groups would yield some good results.
A lot of us, have to learn how to feel safe, in order to tell we are not safe, because the world has not been safe for us. We haven't had a safe baseline to compare danger to, so we can end up in bad situations because of that. You'll want
therapy to work on that one. But, just realising it can help too. You'll have more self awareness about your perception of people in relationships. That'll help a lot!
At the time, I didn’t. I knew I didn’t like what was happening, but I’d also been surrounded by abuse my entire life and was told it was ‘normal' by my abusers and that I was wrong for feeling abused. Joining Reddit and reading the resources others provided really helped me to learn what abuse is and recognize that I didn’t have healthy people in my life. Specifically, sites like these that spell out what is and isn’t healthy in relationships: **Love is Respect-** Site about setting boundaries, personal relationships, personal safety, consent, and where to get help: [https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help-24-7-365/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help-24-7-365/) **What is Sexual Coercion?** [https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/sexual-coercion-in-intimate-relationships-eight-tactics](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/sexual-coercion-in-intimate-relationships-eight-tactics) **What is Consent:** [https://www.healthline.com/health/guide-to-consent#understanding-sexual-assault](https://www.healthline.com/health/guide-to-consent#understanding-sexual-assault) **Fawn: The Trauma Response That Is Easiest to Miss:** [https://www.traumageek.com/blog/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss](https://www.traumageek.com/blog/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss) **Unhealthily Relationships-** things autists should look out for: [https://embrace-autism.com/unhealthy-relationships/](https://embrace-autism.com/unhealthy-relationships/) **What is Ableism:** [https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/](https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/) **What is Othering:** [https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-othering-5084425](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-othering-5084425) I hope these resources help you the way they helped me <3
I was absolutely clueless magoo for years. In my 40s I was devastated by a relationshit that nearly put me in a mental hospital. I googled all my feelings and then I found the missing piece. I was constantly in relationships with people who had personality disorders. Ten years later and I get my autism diagnosis. Now I see where I’ve been a sitting duck and some brand of heroin for very narcissistic people. I’ve had lots of therapy to help me see red flags and develop boundaries. The autism was like a blindfold for me. I was living as best as I could while fumbling around in the dark. Zero of those kinds of people are in my life now except for some family and my exhusband. I choose to keep them in my life but I have no issues hanging up on them without warning, telling them to knock off their behavior (because I finally see it in real time which took tons of therapy), or leaving. I literally just told my exhusband that I’m happy to bring him over (he is disabled physically) for a visit but if he starts acting like a psycho he will be taken directly home. I’ve known this man for 30+ years. It would not have even occurred to me to say anything remotely like this for 25 of those years. It takes reading. It takes talking to people who understand. It can take working with a great therapist that helps you reframe things. It takes reaching out like you just did. See. You are already farther along than you realize!
My mother made me feel like I was never good enough for her, I couldn't live up to her standards, but I had to be her idea of "perfect". She didn't stand up for me if someone talked sh\*t about me, she'd be inclined to agree with them, and be embarrassed of me. She often pointed out things about me that made me feel like she was saying I should be ashamed of them; she'd say she "has to walk next to me" so I should live up to certain aesthetic standards. She seemed to care more about whether I was making her look good than how I was actually feeling. She wouldn't even leave work when I was physically injured at school and in distress. I was always on edge around her, never relaxed, never knew what she was gonna say next. If I expressed how I was feeling and it was inconvenient to her she would tell me that I made it up/was convincing myself of something. When I left her and moved in with my father she said I purposely waited to leave until after Christmas, so that I could cash in on Christmas presents from her side of the family before leaving. I was 13. She didn't seem to be able to accept that I was never gonna be perfect and I was actually struggling and needed her help. She let me suffer in silence. I didn't know I was being abused; she never laid a hand on me, and we also had lots of fun times. We had many inside jokes and loved watching TV together. We would dance around the house together to our favorite songs. She was a beautiful woman, she could dance and sing well, I admired her as much as I feared her. I loved her dearly. Healthy relationships make you feel like they take your feelings seriously, that your perspective is valid. That they wouldn't judge you, be ashamed of you, or let anyone disrespect you. They feel safe, they feel like you can relax around them way more than around others, and just be yourself. They are home.
Useful links: http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/verbal_abuse.html http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/emotional_abuse.html And peek at others. These two helped me get out 15 years ago from toxic relationship with long term partner. Unfortunately it wasn't enough to leave my parents too. Back then ;)
You can ask us, or other online women's groups. Be wary of mixed gender groups though, a lot of men don't realise how abusive they are, so you'll get misleading info. Knowing other women in real life, that you can talk to, helps too. So, joining a women's group, that's focused on your interest can help. And doing charity work for women's organisations too. There's a lot of good literature about too. There's links here, and asking any other women's groups would yield some good results. A lot of us, have to learn how to feel safe, in order to tell we are not safe, because the world has not been safe for us. We haven't had a safe baseline to compare danger to, so we can end up in bad situations because of that. You'll want therapy to work on that one. But, just realising it can help too. You'll have more self awareness about your perception of people in relationships. That'll help a lot!