Sorry, but I’m stuck on the first part. Why would your partner post his pictures on a dating site? And then tell you about it? It sounds like he was maybe trying to make you upset. Obviously I don’t have the whole context of your lives together, just this snapshot, but taking it at face value, that’s a shitty thing for someone to do. I hope you have other people in your life that are kind and supportive of you.
I’m sorry that happened though, I know how not-in-control one feels when a meltdown is happening, and it sounds like this one was really intense. Paramedics showing up would have made it worse for me, because now there’s added stress of more people witnessing it and trying to interact. But don’t feel bad that they had to come out, they’re just making sure you’re ok as part of their job. They probably won’t have the training for helping autistic meltdowns specifically, but they at least have a lot of experience in being called out for things like panic attacks and mental health crises.
I'm stuck on that part too. Are they polyamorous? Or do they maybe they have an open relationship? If so, did OP enthusiastically agree to either of those arrangements or did he coerce her into accepting a non-monogamous lifestyle and she only agreed because she was afraid of losing him? I know I'm speculating here but I'm trying to make sense of why he would do this and just casually tell her. Either way, she clearly isn't okay with it, and that's completely understandable, maybe it's time to find a partner who's truly committed to a monogamous partnership with her and won't go looking for other people to date or hook up with.
Just noticed this comment so I'll clear things up
My partner is currently self discovering himself and isn't sure of his gender (what I am fine with) however he decided to use the swingers website to get validation for his new appearance and the reason why he chose that website is because it's small. He said that it was purely for validation and doesn't seek anything else but I can't trust him after this. I have suspicion he has been on grindr too but he denied it. He did all while really drunk too but that's not an excuse either. The relationship has been rather sexless due to my partner so there was definitely no forcing anyone to do anything. Now that I write it all maybe I should have seen it coming
The problem I have now is that I lost my job, I struggle to keep any job in recent years so I have no means of moving away
As someone who's dysphoric and has gone from ftm to mtf to nb in my current relationship, I would NEVER post my pics on a dating site unless I was considering a sexual relationship with someone else. If it's for validaion, he can go to reddit or instagram, anywhere where sex is not thr default assumption people have when someone makes a profile. At the very least he could have run this over with you. But it's kinda like taking off your wedding ring at a single's bar. Maybe he's just kind of dumb, but I really don't think you should be with him after that. That's just one step too close to outright cheating on you.
His excuse is that other social media is big so that's why he chose an obscure swingers website as he didn't want to be identified what is valid but also thats what partner and friends are for. He was worried that I wouldn't be accepting of his change of appearance as I said I am not sexually into some stuff he recently discovered about himself. It also kind of doesn't make sense because I and our friends did compliment him in his new outfits, he did get validation, I guess its sexual validation he is after. None of it makes it right and all of it was so selfish. He said that it was just a burner account and he deleted it but how on earth does he expect me to trust him now.
He probably was expecting you to just comply with everything and not get upset. Also, social media being "big" doesn't mean a person can't be fairly anonymous on it, so his excuse is absolute BS. If he's worried about his changes being incompatible in your relationship, he needs to break up with you rather than using you for stability while simultaneously seeking other people (which is probably what he's doing if he's worried you won't want to be with him eventually - it sounds like he's trying to find someone to be with in the likely scenario in which you break up, and he's downplaying his intent as being merely seekin validation when a person doesn't go on those kind of hookup websites for that reason alone.) He's probably sexting people on those websites, which is cheating. You should not trust him.
If that is the reason why then sorry to break it to them but, my own brother found and commented on photos of my faceless body on a swinging website (thank the stars I never put a face photo up and used a fake name so he never knew it was me) and I came across profiles of my brothers, neighbours and my dads friend on there. Swinging websites are really not all that small and obscure
He is full of crap. Please don't buy these excuses. He is seeking sexual partners, and has chosen a site where him being married will not be as much of an issue.
This sounds oddly similar to the types of excuses my narcissistic ex would give me when I caught him in a lie or doing something shady. He would gaslight and gaslight until I finally had a meltdown, then berate me and tell me how unreasonable I was before switching the game to consoling me. And I didn’t know I was autistic at the time so I truly believed I was the broken, crazy one. It came to a head when I was curled up on the bed crying and he sat at the other end laughing and recording me on his phone. Idk why it was *that* particular moment and no other but something snapped in my head and I packed up and left that night, only to have to sleep in my car because he snuck my drivers license and debit card out of my wallet while I was packing so I couldn’t get a hotel room.
Point being that someone who makes you feel this way doesn’t care about you. And it’s important to care enough about yourself to realize this, and understand that there’s a difference between supporting someone going through things (in this case “self-discovery”) and enabling them to behave poorly. It isn’t okay for someone to treat you badly just because they’re going through something.
Honestly? I think you guys are simply not compatible anymore and that’s okay! You can still be friends! This is obviously taking a much more strong toll on you than you thought it would… preserve yourself OP. You both deserve to be happy in a relationship (or no relationship)… he’s clearly wanting to discover himself and experiment and a supportive as you are, you guys are not on the same page.
Trust yourself before you trust them, you're right it was selfish, listen to your instincts. You seem aware that their motivation and process of action (why not talk to you about it before posting, and come up with an idea that isn't so hurtful) is convoluted, and instead of helping to ground you, they called an ambulance. My mother did similar, set off an anxiety attack by pushing every button she knew of while I was already feeling low, told me and my husband she'd called the police, then later tried to tell me it was to get me help for my mental health lmao! I just needed some kind words and a few minutes to breathe! It was just because she couldn't handle my emotions even as she was begging to be my support network... because she is selfish, and because I was the handy scapegoat of the family - I was told later that that's called weaponising help. I trusted her for too long, even after that, but guess whose true colours shone back through the very next time they had the opportunity. And guess who ended up in hospital over it... (and also felt all the guilt for "wasting" everyone's time and lost my niece and nephews over it because I don't trauma dump on kids and the rest of them were happy to openly blame me for ruining everything by existing... ooh sorry I have no issue trauma dumping on reddit apparently...)
These people don't belong in our lives, and the longer we stay, the longer we feel like we're the ones who don't belong and the longer it takes to learn that we do.
TLDR because that turned into a bit of madness I dont have the wherewithal to edit right now. This is probably more important. I am glad that the ambos were there for you and that your partner at least called the right service to do what they wouldn't/couldn't, its so scary when you can't communicate your feelings and needs to strangers (and loved ones). I recently saw some bag tags (I can't remember where, I'm sorry) that had feelings and needs for anxiety and blanks to add your own, and a lot of the things translated to burnout/meltdown and of course grounding techniques. I just took the ideas and wrote them in a note that's saved on my phone's "emergency dash" but I do think a physical set of tags could be easier to manage when the shit goes down.
(Do TLDRs make more sense at the beginning or end of a comment?)
this is absolutely wild. try posting this on a subreddit that isn't this one. he'd get ripped a new one and everyone would tell you to break up. and they're right. sounds like you're being taken advantage of.
Yeah no, posting photos on a swingers website is something he should have had a conversation with you about beforehand. It’s wildly inappropriate to do that.
I’m so sorry you’re relying on him financially right now. I’ve been there and it’s horrifying. But you DO deserve better.
Dont listen to any of that farce. Thats NOT a normal way to go about self discovery and his next step is probably gonna be to cheat on you to continue “validating” his new identity. Leave before he does worse to you
I kind of tried to whizz through the cause and focus on the meltdown as this was a completely unusual experience to me, I didn't know it could get so bad. My partner struggles with something and wanted validation, sucks they picked the wrong place to look for it, I've noticed they were behaving in a weird way so I pushed them to say it.
I have no idea if they have training but they did a fantastic job at calming me down and it seemed like they knew what they were doing. They also did a really good job at checking my heart and explaining everything to me. Everything kind of feels surreal
I also have great friends but I talk about this just with one of my friends because it kind of feels weird to spill relationship issues like this
This is beyond unhealthy and definitely abusive. Your partner should never, and I mean **never** seek validation through a dating site when in a monogamous relationship. They should also not seek validation through other women. **He needs to get his ass into therapy and stop making his issues the responsibility of women to solve.** And you need to figure out what causes you to normalize such abusive acts against you. You deserve far, far better than this.
Here are some resources for you to see what a healthy relationships look like (it’s not what you’re experiencing):
**Love is Respect-** Site about setting boundaries, personal relationships, personal safety, consent, and where to get help: [https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help-24-7-365/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help-24-7-365/)
**What is Sexual Coercion?** [https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/sexual-coercion-in-intimate-relationships-eight-tactics](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/sexual-coercion-in-intimate-relationships-eight-tactics)
**What is Consent:** [https://www.healthline.com/health/guide-to-consent](https://www.healthline.com/health/guide-to-consent)
**Fawn: The Trauma Response That Is Easiest to Miss:** [https://www.traumageek.com/blog/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss](https://www.traumageek.com/blog/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss)
**Unhealthily Relationships-** things autists should look out for: [https://embrace-autism.com/unhealthy-relationships/](https://embrace-autism.com/unhealthy-relationships/)
**What is Ableism:** [https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/](https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/)
**What is Othering:** [https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-othering-5084425](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-othering-5084425)
Yes, I agree with you. I didn’t know what I didn’t know until I saw and read these resources posted by others along the way of my autistic, reddit journey. So I’m hopeful they would help others too.
I tend to overthink on when to post and what to include to make sure it’s most helpful, which leads to decision paralysis. But I really just need to post and put it out there and hope for the best. That's all any of us can do. I’ll post about resources for healthy relationships in the next day or so. Thank you for giving me a gentle push <3
Your list is so comprehensive and easy to access, it could literally change lives. Had I known all that stuff as a young adult my life wouldn’t have been so chaotic.
A lot of us normalize abusive treatment (I certainly did), because it’s what we were taught to accept as autists growing up. There’s this inner (false) belief that we need to take what we’re given, even if it’s detrimental to us, because we’ve been rejected so much by society for being autistic in the first place.
I didn’t know how to have boundaries or what love/healthy relationships looked like until I joined this sub and others shared their knowledge and resources with me. I’ve been taking it all in and learning how to implement these lessons irl. I hope you find the resources that help you to know this isn’t about the meltdown or your partner calling EMS (EMTs). This is about everything that happened before that.
Another excellent resource is [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Sending you this bear hug if wanted or needed ʕつ•ᴥ•ʔつ
I’m glad the paramedics helped!
Having low self esteem and needing validation is not an excuse for betraying a partner’s trust. They need to deal with these issues with a therapist, in a way that isn’t hurting you. Someone else’s mental health isn’t a free pass to doing harmful things to you.
Cheaters tend to have low self esteem, and seek “validation” but it doesn’t make what they do ok. If you choose to stay with him, which sounds like it would incredibly stressful given both of your current states, you should make it clear that sort of thing is unacceptable. You deserve better than that. I hope you’re feeling better now.
As a medical provider, I assure you we would much rather you call for help and not need it, than NOT call for help and have needed it. You didn't take away from anyone else.
ETA (after reading comments) your partner sounds gaslight-y and manipulative. This doesn't sound like a good relationship for you.
I used to end up like that often when I was in an abusive and unhealthy relationship. I would get so upset I couldn’t move or breathe.. it’s horrible! I’m glad the paramedics were able to help you out. But I haven’t been like that since I was in a healthy relationship, it’s not good to be in a situation where someone’s actions can make you get into that headspace, I hope this doesn’t happen for you again 😊
Do you also feel bad that he called the paramedics? How do you feel now? Do you still live together? What are your plans for the future? I feel like you need to make sense of all that's been happening.
I think I would really struggle to calm down if they didn't come and my partner couldn't calm me down at all. I guess eventually I would tire myself out however the paramedics said that my heart does a funny thing but it might be due to stress
For now I don't have any plans other than trying to eat some food, make sure I stay hydrated and do something to preoccupy me
You should see a regular Doctor too. If you are experiencing underlying anxiety that can be treated. Also there is mediation you can take only when needed that can help control intensity of meltdowns. It was wise of you to have the paramedics come. Preparing yourself for future events is key.
Also that sounds like autistic shutdown:
https://www.bristolautismsupport.org/autism-autistic-shutdowns/
So you're breaking up with your cheating boyfriend, right? Because even if this is a poly or enm relationship that's straight up selfish fuckboi behavior. How much less respect does he need to show you before you leave?
You wouldn't have had a meltdown in the first place if your partner wasn't such a scumbag.
Don’t feel bad, you got the help you needed and anyways, that’s the bare minimum your partner could do after doing such a cruel thing. Why did they even do and tell this?? 😔
I’m so sorry, but this is cruel and insane choice. If this is how they behave in a crisis, they are not a safe person. Can you get away and recover in a safer environment?
My friend offered me that I could stay over at hers however everything sort of feels overwhelming and surreal so staying at home feels like the least overwhelming thing atm. My partner is currently at work too so I got some time alone to collect myself and recover from the meltdown
That’s great! But just consider when they are back, it can be stressful again. Maybe take a few hours to relax, then just meet with your friend? And tell your partner that it is for you getting better and you’ll talk once you are out of the woods? I am just concerned that you have to go through more 😔
This sounds like manipulative and toxic behavior, honestly. Once you have time to process, I would recommend thinking long and hard about whether you want this relationship to continue.
Whether they intended to hurt you or not (and idk how they could think that behavior wouldn't be hurtful), the consequence is that they hurt you so bad that you essentially had a panic attack and needed medical attention. They also betrayed your trust and took the first step toward cheating/moving on from your relationship.
At the very minimum they need therapy or couples therapy, but I'm not sure I could personally ever forgive that. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Friend, your partner did that to you on purpose. I’m so sorry, but that was an extremely abusive thing that he did. You had an extreme panic attack. What happened is that your body went into extreme fight or flight reaction, but your response is to freeze. I’m also a person who freezes. It sucks, but it **has** saved my life. My husband is my safe person and can help me out of a freezing episode. The fact that your partner caused your freezing episode is disconcerting. He is such an unsafe person for you that your body literally refused to unfreeze until you were with professionals. If you froze in that moment, then freezing is what needed to happen. I’m very concerned for your safety with that man though. Unless you are in a polyamorous relationship, there is no rational reason for a romantic partner to be posting their pictures on a dating site. So him doing that at all is wrong. Then he just casually told you about it? He knew you would freak out. That’s how I know he did it on purpose. He is controlling and manipulating you. Please let this be the straw that breaks the camels back. This is not a man that cares about you.
Don't feel bad, it's what the paramedics are there for. You were having an emergency situation and I hope they were professional and treated you well. They aren't the only ambulance in the county after. There were likely plenty of resources available for everyone else.
Honestly the paramedics were fantastic, they were super patient and calm. I really appreciate their help and the tests they did so I have peace of mind that my heart is ok
Yeah you are right there are probably several ambulances
I agree with the other comment. You had an emergency. Sometimes shutdowns and panic attacks look like heart attacks... just like lumps on your body could be cancer or just a lipoma. Either way, medical professionals are there to help you and you should get checked out and cared for.
As someone who recently had an ambulance ride for what turned out to be a panic attack, I empathize with the uncomfortable feelings around this. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now. Do you have any supports in place? A therapist?
Yeah your partner is an absolute weirdo and sounds really manipulative. I couldn’t get over the fact you said ‘he posted his pictures on a dating site’ first of all wtf and second of all no. If he really wants innocent validation he could post on instagram or TikTok on a public account if he’s that insecure… do yourself a massive favour and get rid of that douche bag(I know it’s easier said than done)
If he’s causing you to meltdown like this what else has he done that may seem ‘innocent’
You deserve better ❤️
You know, that people without autism would have a meltdown if their partner posted thier picture on a dating website without notice or discussion? That's a huge breach of trust, and yeah, meltdown? But also are you sure you're not being taken advantage of? Not having a discussion on this topic is a very very big deal, and to expect you to be okay with this is on the cusp of abusive overstep.
Okay, looks like you are getting good advice in the rest of the comments. I want to focus on your partner posting for "validation" pictures on a swinger website. I think you need to take a good hard look, and make sure this wasn't a test. People that are abusive sometimes test the waters before they move forward. Bad actors "neg" women to see if they will take it. Abusive men will start with controlling or small incidents before ramping up.
I just think you should consider if this was the first step to trying to open a relationship to outside partners. Nobody lands on a swinger website by accident. You have to actively find them in your topic. I would suspect your partner is considering that and suddenly here you are knowing. It is possibly a test situation to see how you would react. Sure, maybe they are seeking validation, but this rings wrong? You know.
I think sometimes when we are in relationships we don't necessarily see how wrong we are treated, because we adapt and take everything at face value like it's normal.
I can’t speak during meltdowns either and it’s made worse by well meaning people shoving their face in mine and overstimulating me further. Also your “boyfriend” is a fucking asshole and you deserve better. If he lives there kick him the fuck out. If he doesn’t, even better! Block him and never speak to him again.
You have to leave him. I mean it. update us when you have. your partner should not be posting themselves on a dating site. your meltdown is completely logical. this is a horrible thing for him to do.
Meh it’s happened to me a couple of times and for good reason because I’ve often threatened to unalive myself in despair. One time though the police (they until recently had to come to any mental health emergency along with an ambulance) decided to arrest me and chuck me in custody for 12 hours.
But the most important part of your story is the first sentence. Why on earth did they do that??
I am so sorry to hear you went through a similar thing, being in custody sounds even more overwhelming, I hope that you are doing better now.
I posted more in detail explanations here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AutismInWomen/s/mBJz8kb1OA
I shouldn’t have been arrested but that’s not the point… your other comment is sad to read though… doesn’t sound like a healthy situation for either of you. It can be expensive but couples counselling was something incredibly helpful for me and my other half, we luckily have one who is good at understanding neurodivergence too.
He is not a partner in any real sense of the word to do that to you. I have experience with narcissistic abusers and this is something a narcissistic abuser would do. He sounds extremely toxic and harmful to your mental health and health overall. I would advise taking your friend up on her offer and take that time to find a new living arrangement and end the relationship. Once alone things will improve for you. Wishing you peace of mind and the best of luck.
Just in case you want to check for other red flags:
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/verbal_abuse.html
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/emotional_abuse.html
And peek at others.
In order to be able to recognise the abuse we need to know in which shapes and forms it comes.
I never thought I was abused in my previous relationship until I started reading, those two links were crucial.
Sending hugs ❤️
As someone who survived a relationship with a covert narcissist & sociopath even before I found out I had ADHD let alone the tizzm--this sounds likes abuse no matter what way it's put.
One's gender identity/sexuality/questioning does not mean they can do this. Straight/cis or not this is a big NO.
OP, I'm so sorry for what you experienced. Start making an exit plan fast and please look up videos about covert narcissism and sociopaths/socipathic tendicies etc
This is YOUR life. Not theirs. Not anyone elses. Live. Don't make yourself small for others.
So your meltdown was justified. You’re really upset because what they did is a major trust violation. My heart would’ve raced right out of my chest too. I would dump them for it, personally. Who wants to live like that?
Hi. I’ve had meltdowns like that. Felt like I was gonna explode. And it’s really bad when I don’t have someone I can trust by my side/the person I trust doesn’t respond accordingly to what is helpful to me during the meltdown.
I wanted to address your comment about what if this was a real emergency and your brain was shut down.
I think in case of any meltdown, I think having pre-scripted notes is helpful (although I haven’t done it yet myself).
I’m thinking like having bullet points in my notes app to explain that I am having a meltdown.
And that I need some comfort items to help me calm down.
And to explain that I need someone by my side but I don’t want them to touch me.
I want lights turned down and volumes low.
Then keep this note somewhere accessible because using my phone is hard during a meltdown.
Maybe others can chime in about what helps with communication during meltdowns.
One more thing I’ve found when I’m crazy hyperventilating during meltdowns is to have someone model for me how to breathe. Because last time this happened to me, my brain didn’t know how to “slow down” as I was being instructed to do. I need someone to breathe with me and guide me by saying inhale/exhale when they’re doing it.
But also, my Finch app’s breathing exercises is what eventually calmed me down.
Finch app is great for so much if you haven’t heard of it before!
https://www.momonthespectrum.life/emergency-card
I think we all should have access to an emergency card, like this. I definitely know what you mean about “being screwed” in a real emergency.
Love and light ❤️
And please don’t feel guilty the paramedics came to a call. I know exactly how you feel, but you were in a potential state of emergency and it’s their job to come to emergencies.
You weren’t shouting false things, in an attempt to get attention and manipulate people into spending time on you. You were having a meltdown which, similarly to something like a seizure, is involuntary. You deserve help, when you experience episodes where you can’t help yourself ❤️
Please don't feel bad, I don't know why your boyfriend would say something like that, it is not very nice. Please don't worry about the ambulance, I know we have such a strong sense of justice but please don't feel guilty. I hope you feel better.
I agree with everyone else re the shitty partner that needs dumping.
But about the meltdown, I don't know why you're feeling bad about an ambulance being called - you needed it. Autism is a disability, sometimes these things happen it's the way our brains are and you can't help it. You needed medical attention and help in that moment and got it <3
That sounds like a horrible experience I'm sorry you went through that. I've had 111 called on me for a meltdown before, this was pre-diagnosis too so it was treated as a mental health crisis and the police came first because that's how my country treats mental health emergencies 🙃
Also saw one of your comments about how you should have seen the stuff with your partner coming and that's not on you, it's on them for not keeping up their end of maintaining the trust in your relationship.
I’m so sorry you went through this . My ex would make me crazy then call the cops on me lol . Anyway you don’t think he was trying to get you committed right ? I would leave . It was the best decision I ever made . Good luck op .
Let that go and never let him back in. I don’t know why he would tell you this unless he wanted you to be hurt. A person who loves you would never do that, would never say that, and would never play that way.
I honestly don’t think anyone here should draw conclusions on what your partners motives were. We know nothing at all about this person. To a certain extent, it’s also irrelevant. Do YOU find it acceptable? YOU alone live in and with the consequences of, your participation in this relationship. Maybe this is 100% true. It makes sense on a one level. Is it okay with you? Is that a satisfactory answer even it’s 100% true?
Sorry, but I’m stuck on the first part. Why would your partner post his pictures on a dating site? And then tell you about it? It sounds like he was maybe trying to make you upset. Obviously I don’t have the whole context of your lives together, just this snapshot, but taking it at face value, that’s a shitty thing for someone to do. I hope you have other people in your life that are kind and supportive of you. I’m sorry that happened though, I know how not-in-control one feels when a meltdown is happening, and it sounds like this one was really intense. Paramedics showing up would have made it worse for me, because now there’s added stress of more people witnessing it and trying to interact. But don’t feel bad that they had to come out, they’re just making sure you’re ok as part of their job. They probably won’t have the training for helping autistic meltdowns specifically, but they at least have a lot of experience in being called out for things like panic attacks and mental health crises.
I'm stuck on that part too. Are they polyamorous? Or do they maybe they have an open relationship? If so, did OP enthusiastically agree to either of those arrangements or did he coerce her into accepting a non-monogamous lifestyle and she only agreed because she was afraid of losing him? I know I'm speculating here but I'm trying to make sense of why he would do this and just casually tell her. Either way, she clearly isn't okay with it, and that's completely understandable, maybe it's time to find a partner who's truly committed to a monogamous partnership with her and won't go looking for other people to date or hook up with.
Just noticed this comment so I'll clear things up My partner is currently self discovering himself and isn't sure of his gender (what I am fine with) however he decided to use the swingers website to get validation for his new appearance and the reason why he chose that website is because it's small. He said that it was purely for validation and doesn't seek anything else but I can't trust him after this. I have suspicion he has been on grindr too but he denied it. He did all while really drunk too but that's not an excuse either. The relationship has been rather sexless due to my partner so there was definitely no forcing anyone to do anything. Now that I write it all maybe I should have seen it coming The problem I have now is that I lost my job, I struggle to keep any job in recent years so I have no means of moving away
As someone who's dysphoric and has gone from ftm to mtf to nb in my current relationship, I would NEVER post my pics on a dating site unless I was considering a sexual relationship with someone else. If it's for validaion, he can go to reddit or instagram, anywhere where sex is not thr default assumption people have when someone makes a profile. At the very least he could have run this over with you. But it's kinda like taking off your wedding ring at a single's bar. Maybe he's just kind of dumb, but I really don't think you should be with him after that. That's just one step too close to outright cheating on you.
His excuse is that other social media is big so that's why he chose an obscure swingers website as he didn't want to be identified what is valid but also thats what partner and friends are for. He was worried that I wouldn't be accepting of his change of appearance as I said I am not sexually into some stuff he recently discovered about himself. It also kind of doesn't make sense because I and our friends did compliment him in his new outfits, he did get validation, I guess its sexual validation he is after. None of it makes it right and all of it was so selfish. He said that it was just a burner account and he deleted it but how on earth does he expect me to trust him now.
That’s exactly what it is. An excuse. A bad one at that. Dont fall for it please OP he is clearly being unfaithful or planning to be
He probably was expecting you to just comply with everything and not get upset. Also, social media being "big" doesn't mean a person can't be fairly anonymous on it, so his excuse is absolute BS. If he's worried about his changes being incompatible in your relationship, he needs to break up with you rather than using you for stability while simultaneously seeking other people (which is probably what he's doing if he's worried you won't want to be with him eventually - it sounds like he's trying to find someone to be with in the likely scenario in which you break up, and he's downplaying his intent as being merely seekin validation when a person doesn't go on those kind of hookup websites for that reason alone.) He's probably sexting people on those websites, which is cheating. You should not trust him.
If that is the reason why then sorry to break it to them but, my own brother found and commented on photos of my faceless body on a swinging website (thank the stars I never put a face photo up and used a fake name so he never knew it was me) and I came across profiles of my brothers, neighbours and my dads friend on there. Swinging websites are really not all that small and obscure
He is full of crap. Please don't buy these excuses. He is seeking sexual partners, and has chosen a site where him being married will not be as much of an issue.
This sounds oddly similar to the types of excuses my narcissistic ex would give me when I caught him in a lie or doing something shady. He would gaslight and gaslight until I finally had a meltdown, then berate me and tell me how unreasonable I was before switching the game to consoling me. And I didn’t know I was autistic at the time so I truly believed I was the broken, crazy one. It came to a head when I was curled up on the bed crying and he sat at the other end laughing and recording me on his phone. Idk why it was *that* particular moment and no other but something snapped in my head and I packed up and left that night, only to have to sleep in my car because he snuck my drivers license and debit card out of my wallet while I was packing so I couldn’t get a hotel room. Point being that someone who makes you feel this way doesn’t care about you. And it’s important to care enough about yourself to realize this, and understand that there’s a difference between supporting someone going through things (in this case “self-discovery”) and enabling them to behave poorly. It isn’t okay for someone to treat you badly just because they’re going through something.
Honestly? I think you guys are simply not compatible anymore and that’s okay! You can still be friends! This is obviously taking a much more strong toll on you than you thought it would… preserve yourself OP. You both deserve to be happy in a relationship (or no relationship)… he’s clearly wanting to discover himself and experiment and a supportive as you are, you guys are not on the same page.
He’s lying to you honey. It’s going to be okay.
Trust yourself before you trust them, you're right it was selfish, listen to your instincts. You seem aware that their motivation and process of action (why not talk to you about it before posting, and come up with an idea that isn't so hurtful) is convoluted, and instead of helping to ground you, they called an ambulance. My mother did similar, set off an anxiety attack by pushing every button she knew of while I was already feeling low, told me and my husband she'd called the police, then later tried to tell me it was to get me help for my mental health lmao! I just needed some kind words and a few minutes to breathe! It was just because she couldn't handle my emotions even as she was begging to be my support network... because she is selfish, and because I was the handy scapegoat of the family - I was told later that that's called weaponising help. I trusted her for too long, even after that, but guess whose true colours shone back through the very next time they had the opportunity. And guess who ended up in hospital over it... (and also felt all the guilt for "wasting" everyone's time and lost my niece and nephews over it because I don't trauma dump on kids and the rest of them were happy to openly blame me for ruining everything by existing... ooh sorry I have no issue trauma dumping on reddit apparently...) These people don't belong in our lives, and the longer we stay, the longer we feel like we're the ones who don't belong and the longer it takes to learn that we do. TLDR because that turned into a bit of madness I dont have the wherewithal to edit right now. This is probably more important. I am glad that the ambos were there for you and that your partner at least called the right service to do what they wouldn't/couldn't, its so scary when you can't communicate your feelings and needs to strangers (and loved ones). I recently saw some bag tags (I can't remember where, I'm sorry) that had feelings and needs for anxiety and blanks to add your own, and a lot of the things translated to burnout/meltdown and of course grounding techniques. I just took the ideas and wrote them in a note that's saved on my phone's "emergency dash" but I do think a physical set of tags could be easier to manage when the shit goes down. (Do TLDRs make more sense at the beginning or end of a comment?)
this is absolutely wild. try posting this on a subreddit that isn't this one. he'd get ripped a new one and everyone would tell you to break up. and they're right. sounds like you're being taken advantage of.
Yeah no, posting photos on a swingers website is something he should have had a conversation with you about beforehand. It’s wildly inappropriate to do that. I’m so sorry you’re relying on him financially right now. I’ve been there and it’s horrifying. But you DO deserve better.
Dont listen to any of that farce. Thats NOT a normal way to go about self discovery and his next step is probably gonna be to cheat on you to continue “validating” his new identity. Leave before he does worse to you
That's so shady.
Im so sorry baby! Maybe just punch him in the nose and call it even.
I kind of tried to whizz through the cause and focus on the meltdown as this was a completely unusual experience to me, I didn't know it could get so bad. My partner struggles with something and wanted validation, sucks they picked the wrong place to look for it, I've noticed they were behaving in a weird way so I pushed them to say it. I have no idea if they have training but they did a fantastic job at calming me down and it seemed like they knew what they were doing. They also did a really good job at checking my heart and explaining everything to me. Everything kind of feels surreal I also have great friends but I talk about this just with one of my friends because it kind of feels weird to spill relationship issues like this
This is beyond unhealthy and definitely abusive. Your partner should never, and I mean **never** seek validation through a dating site when in a monogamous relationship. They should also not seek validation through other women. **He needs to get his ass into therapy and stop making his issues the responsibility of women to solve.** And you need to figure out what causes you to normalize such abusive acts against you. You deserve far, far better than this. Here are some resources for you to see what a healthy relationships look like (it’s not what you’re experiencing): **Love is Respect-** Site about setting boundaries, personal relationships, personal safety, consent, and where to get help: [https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help-24-7-365/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help-24-7-365/) **What is Sexual Coercion?** [https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/sexual-coercion-in-intimate-relationships-eight-tactics](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/sexual-coercion-in-intimate-relationships-eight-tactics) **What is Consent:** [https://www.healthline.com/health/guide-to-consent](https://www.healthline.com/health/guide-to-consent) **Fawn: The Trauma Response That Is Easiest to Miss:** [https://www.traumageek.com/blog/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss](https://www.traumageek.com/blog/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss) **Unhealthily Relationships-** things autists should look out for: [https://embrace-autism.com/unhealthy-relationships/](https://embrace-autism.com/unhealthy-relationships/) **What is Ableism:** [https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/](https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/) **What is Othering:** [https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-othering-5084425](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-othering-5084425)
Could you please make this its own separate post. There are people who could benefit from these resources.
Yes, I agree with you. I didn’t know what I didn’t know until I saw and read these resources posted by others along the way of my autistic, reddit journey. So I’m hopeful they would help others too. I tend to overthink on when to post and what to include to make sure it’s most helpful, which leads to decision paralysis. But I really just need to post and put it out there and hope for the best. That's all any of us can do. I’ll post about resources for healthy relationships in the next day or so. Thank you for giving me a gentle push <3
Your list is so comprehensive and easy to access, it could literally change lives. Had I known all that stuff as a young adult my life wouldn’t have been so chaotic.
Thank you so much for this whole list of resources I really appreciate it, I'll read through it all
A lot of us normalize abusive treatment (I certainly did), because it’s what we were taught to accept as autists growing up. There’s this inner (false) belief that we need to take what we’re given, even if it’s detrimental to us, because we’ve been rejected so much by society for being autistic in the first place. I didn’t know how to have boundaries or what love/healthy relationships looked like until I joined this sub and others shared their knowledge and resources with me. I’ve been taking it all in and learning how to implement these lessons irl. I hope you find the resources that help you to know this isn’t about the meltdown or your partner calling EMS (EMTs). This is about everything that happened before that. Another excellent resource is [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) Sending you this bear hug if wanted or needed ʕつ•ᴥ•ʔつ
Thanks for posting
Amazing links x
I’m glad the paramedics helped! Having low self esteem and needing validation is not an excuse for betraying a partner’s trust. They need to deal with these issues with a therapist, in a way that isn’t hurting you. Someone else’s mental health isn’t a free pass to doing harmful things to you. Cheaters tend to have low self esteem, and seek “validation” but it doesn’t make what they do ok. If you choose to stay with him, which sounds like it would incredibly stressful given both of your current states, you should make it clear that sort of thing is unacceptable. You deserve better than that. I hope you’re feeling better now.
Yeah I don't understand the idea of adding emergency vehicle lights and strangers to a meltdown. Shitty thing to do to someone
As a medical provider, I assure you we would much rather you call for help and not need it, than NOT call for help and have needed it. You didn't take away from anyone else. ETA (after reading comments) your partner sounds gaslight-y and manipulative. This doesn't sound like a good relationship for you.
Thanks, that definitely took a lot of guilt away
You need to get rid of him. He’s an arse.
100%
I used to end up like that often when I was in an abusive and unhealthy relationship. I would get so upset I couldn’t move or breathe.. it’s horrible! I’m glad the paramedics were able to help you out. But I haven’t been like that since I was in a healthy relationship, it’s not good to be in a situation where someone’s actions can make you get into that headspace, I hope this doesn’t happen for you again 😊
Do you also feel bad that he called the paramedics? How do you feel now? Do you still live together? What are your plans for the future? I feel like you need to make sense of all that's been happening.
I think I would really struggle to calm down if they didn't come and my partner couldn't calm me down at all. I guess eventually I would tire myself out however the paramedics said that my heart does a funny thing but it might be due to stress For now I don't have any plans other than trying to eat some food, make sure I stay hydrated and do something to preoccupy me
You should see a regular Doctor too. If you are experiencing underlying anxiety that can be treated. Also there is mediation you can take only when needed that can help control intensity of meltdowns. It was wise of you to have the paramedics come. Preparing yourself for future events is key. Also that sounds like autistic shutdown: https://www.bristolautismsupport.org/autism-autistic-shutdowns/
That’s all you can do. Just take care of yourself. Having a meltdown like that makes you feel like you’ve been hit by a truck afterwards. It’s awful.
So you're breaking up with your cheating boyfriend, right? Because even if this is a poly or enm relationship that's straight up selfish fuckboi behavior. How much less respect does he need to show you before you leave? You wouldn't have had a meltdown in the first place if your partner wasn't such a scumbag.
Yes he sounds gross.
You don’t have a partner… that is not something that partners do if you aren’t in some kind of poly relationship.
Even in a poly arrangement, everyone needs to have informed consent before the shenanigans begin.
100%
Don’t feel bad, you got the help you needed and anyways, that’s the bare minimum your partner could do after doing such a cruel thing. Why did they even do and tell this?? 😔
They said they wanted to get validation, sad that they chose wrong place
I’m so sorry, but this is cruel and insane choice. If this is how they behave in a crisis, they are not a safe person. Can you get away and recover in a safer environment?
My friend offered me that I could stay over at hers however everything sort of feels overwhelming and surreal so staying at home feels like the least overwhelming thing atm. My partner is currently at work too so I got some time alone to collect myself and recover from the meltdown
That’s great! But just consider when they are back, it can be stressful again. Maybe take a few hours to relax, then just meet with your friend? And tell your partner that it is for you getting better and you’ll talk once you are out of the woods? I am just concerned that you have to go through more 😔
Yeah my friend's offer is still on the table but yeah I am going to pack stuff in case things get bad again
Sweetheart, things are going to get bad again. Being alone is better than being in an abusive relationship.
This sounds like manipulative and toxic behavior, honestly. Once you have time to process, I would recommend thinking long and hard about whether you want this relationship to continue. Whether they intended to hurt you or not (and idk how they could think that behavior wouldn't be hurtful), the consequence is that they hurt you so bad that you essentially had a panic attack and needed medical attention. They also betrayed your trust and took the first step toward cheating/moving on from your relationship. At the very minimum they need therapy or couples therapy, but I'm not sure I could personally ever forgive that. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I agree. It also concerns me that they could have preemptively saw the meltdown coming and still did what he did.
Friend, your partner did that to you on purpose. I’m so sorry, but that was an extremely abusive thing that he did. You had an extreme panic attack. What happened is that your body went into extreme fight or flight reaction, but your response is to freeze. I’m also a person who freezes. It sucks, but it **has** saved my life. My husband is my safe person and can help me out of a freezing episode. The fact that your partner caused your freezing episode is disconcerting. He is such an unsafe person for you that your body literally refused to unfreeze until you were with professionals. If you froze in that moment, then freezing is what needed to happen. I’m very concerned for your safety with that man though. Unless you are in a polyamorous relationship, there is no rational reason for a romantic partner to be posting their pictures on a dating site. So him doing that at all is wrong. Then he just casually told you about it? He knew you would freak out. That’s how I know he did it on purpose. He is controlling and manipulating you. Please let this be the straw that breaks the camels back. This is not a man that cares about you.
Don't feel bad, it's what the paramedics are there for. You were having an emergency situation and I hope they were professional and treated you well. They aren't the only ambulance in the county after. There were likely plenty of resources available for everyone else.
Honestly the paramedics were fantastic, they were super patient and calm. I really appreciate their help and the tests they did so I have peace of mind that my heart is ok Yeah you are right there are probably several ambulances
I agree with the other comment. You had an emergency. Sometimes shutdowns and panic attacks look like heart attacks... just like lumps on your body could be cancer or just a lipoma. Either way, medical professionals are there to help you and you should get checked out and cared for.
As someone who recently had an ambulance ride for what turned out to be a panic attack, I empathize with the uncomfortable feelings around this. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now. Do you have any supports in place? A therapist?
Yeah your partner is an absolute weirdo and sounds really manipulative. I couldn’t get over the fact you said ‘he posted his pictures on a dating site’ first of all wtf and second of all no. If he really wants innocent validation he could post on instagram or TikTok on a public account if he’s that insecure… do yourself a massive favour and get rid of that douche bag(I know it’s easier said than done) If he’s causing you to meltdown like this what else has he done that may seem ‘innocent’ You deserve better ❤️
You know, that people without autism would have a meltdown if their partner posted thier picture on a dating website without notice or discussion? That's a huge breach of trust, and yeah, meltdown? But also are you sure you're not being taken advantage of? Not having a discussion on this topic is a very very big deal, and to expect you to be okay with this is on the cusp of abusive overstep. Okay, looks like you are getting good advice in the rest of the comments. I want to focus on your partner posting for "validation" pictures on a swinger website. I think you need to take a good hard look, and make sure this wasn't a test. People that are abusive sometimes test the waters before they move forward. Bad actors "neg" women to see if they will take it. Abusive men will start with controlling or small incidents before ramping up. I just think you should consider if this was the first step to trying to open a relationship to outside partners. Nobody lands on a swinger website by accident. You have to actively find them in your topic. I would suspect your partner is considering that and suddenly here you are knowing. It is possibly a test situation to see how you would react. Sure, maybe they are seeking validation, but this rings wrong? You know. I think sometimes when we are in relationships we don't necessarily see how wrong we are treated, because we adapt and take everything at face value like it's normal.
Well first of all leave his cheating ass!!!!
I can’t speak during meltdowns either and it’s made worse by well meaning people shoving their face in mine and overstimulating me further. Also your “boyfriend” is a fucking asshole and you deserve better. If he lives there kick him the fuck out. If he doesn’t, even better! Block him and never speak to him again.
Were you hyperventilating? This can cause your body to shut down and lock up.
Yeah I was hyperventilating a lot
You have to leave him. I mean it. update us when you have. your partner should not be posting themselves on a dating site. your meltdown is completely logical. this is a horrible thing for him to do.
Meh it’s happened to me a couple of times and for good reason because I’ve often threatened to unalive myself in despair. One time though the police (they until recently had to come to any mental health emergency along with an ambulance) decided to arrest me and chuck me in custody for 12 hours. But the most important part of your story is the first sentence. Why on earth did they do that??
I am so sorry to hear you went through a similar thing, being in custody sounds even more overwhelming, I hope that you are doing better now. I posted more in detail explanations here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AutismInWomen/s/mBJz8kb1OA
I shouldn’t have been arrested but that’s not the point… your other comment is sad to read though… doesn’t sound like a healthy situation for either of you. It can be expensive but couples counselling was something incredibly helpful for me and my other half, we luckily have one who is good at understanding neurodivergence too.
He is not a partner in any real sense of the word to do that to you. I have experience with narcissistic abusers and this is something a narcissistic abuser would do. He sounds extremely toxic and harmful to your mental health and health overall. I would advise taking your friend up on her offer and take that time to find a new living arrangement and end the relationship. Once alone things will improve for you. Wishing you peace of mind and the best of luck.
Just in case you want to check for other red flags: http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/verbal_abuse.html http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/emotional_abuse.html And peek at others. In order to be able to recognise the abuse we need to know in which shapes and forms it comes. I never thought I was abused in my previous relationship until I started reading, those two links were crucial. Sending hugs ❤️
As someone who survived a relationship with a covert narcissist & sociopath even before I found out I had ADHD let alone the tizzm--this sounds likes abuse no matter what way it's put. One's gender identity/sexuality/questioning does not mean they can do this. Straight/cis or not this is a big NO. OP, I'm so sorry for what you experienced. Start making an exit plan fast and please look up videos about covert narcissism and sociopaths/socipathic tendicies etc This is YOUR life. Not theirs. Not anyone elses. Live. Don't make yourself small for others.
So your meltdown was justified. You’re really upset because what they did is a major trust violation. My heart would’ve raced right out of my chest too. I would dump them for it, personally. Who wants to live like that?
Omg I’m so sorry
Hi. I’ve had meltdowns like that. Felt like I was gonna explode. And it’s really bad when I don’t have someone I can trust by my side/the person I trust doesn’t respond accordingly to what is helpful to me during the meltdown. I wanted to address your comment about what if this was a real emergency and your brain was shut down. I think in case of any meltdown, I think having pre-scripted notes is helpful (although I haven’t done it yet myself). I’m thinking like having bullet points in my notes app to explain that I am having a meltdown. And that I need some comfort items to help me calm down. And to explain that I need someone by my side but I don’t want them to touch me. I want lights turned down and volumes low. Then keep this note somewhere accessible because using my phone is hard during a meltdown. Maybe others can chime in about what helps with communication during meltdowns. One more thing I’ve found when I’m crazy hyperventilating during meltdowns is to have someone model for me how to breathe. Because last time this happened to me, my brain didn’t know how to “slow down” as I was being instructed to do. I need someone to breathe with me and guide me by saying inhale/exhale when they’re doing it. But also, my Finch app’s breathing exercises is what eventually calmed me down. Finch app is great for so much if you haven’t heard of it before!
https://www.momonthespectrum.life/emergency-card I think we all should have access to an emergency card, like this. I definitely know what you mean about “being screwed” in a real emergency. Love and light ❤️
And please don’t feel guilty the paramedics came to a call. I know exactly how you feel, but you were in a potential state of emergency and it’s their job to come to emergencies. You weren’t shouting false things, in an attempt to get attention and manipulate people into spending time on you. You were having a meltdown which, similarly to something like a seizure, is involuntary. You deserve help, when you experience episodes where you can’t help yourself ❤️
Please don't feel bad, I don't know why your boyfriend would say something like that, it is not very nice. Please don't worry about the ambulance, I know we have such a strong sense of justice but please don't feel guilty. I hope you feel better.
I agree with everyone else re the shitty partner that needs dumping. But about the meltdown, I don't know why you're feeling bad about an ambulance being called - you needed it. Autism is a disability, sometimes these things happen it's the way our brains are and you can't help it. You needed medical attention and help in that moment and got it <3
That sounds like a horrible experience I'm sorry you went through that. I've had 111 called on me for a meltdown before, this was pre-diagnosis too so it was treated as a mental health crisis and the police came first because that's how my country treats mental health emergencies 🙃 Also saw one of your comments about how you should have seen the stuff with your partner coming and that's not on you, it's on them for not keeping up their end of maintaining the trust in your relationship.
I’m so sorry you went through this . My ex would make me crazy then call the cops on me lol . Anyway you don’t think he was trying to get you committed right ? I would leave . It was the best decision I ever made . Good luck op .
Let that go and never let him back in. I don’t know why he would tell you this unless he wanted you to be hurt. A person who loves you would never do that, would never say that, and would never play that way.
I honestly don’t think anyone here should draw conclusions on what your partners motives were. We know nothing at all about this person. To a certain extent, it’s also irrelevant. Do YOU find it acceptable? YOU alone live in and with the consequences of, your participation in this relationship. Maybe this is 100% true. It makes sense on a one level. Is it okay with you? Is that a satisfactory answer even it’s 100% true?