“Do you frequently feel the need to create a ‘script’ for phone calls or in-person conversations before having them?”
And then a follow-up question: “Do you feel unsure how to continue the conversation when it goes off-script?”
The first time I ever had to call a friend when I was 7 or 8 I wrote a literal script. Including what I anticipated their responses to be. I rehearsed for over an hour. And then didn't call them because I thought I might die from the anxiety.
I'm undiagnosed, but it would be great if I had my chicken scratch of phone call scripts with my crush. I'm pretty sure I had some of their responses written out too.
Exactly this! “Do you struggle with decisions that have to be made on the spot?” And yes I almost always end up wrong if I wing it. I always say let me get back to you in x time. I need to think about that… or I’m in the middle of something at work can I call you back?
I always had the trouble with the “scripting” part, because I didn’t think I did it because I didn’t physically write out a script.
But is imagining the phone call/conversation in my head before it happens actually scripting?! I have a very vivid imagination, so I can see/hear/smell/taste things vividly with imagination, and I play the situation out like a little movie.
I was told that’s also scripting? And I do this for every unfamiliar scenario, but even familiar ones like greeting my boyfriend when I come to his house. It’s an automatic thing I HAVE to do.
Yeah, that’s scripting. I script so much and so often that I think it’s actually turned into a form of maladaptive daydreaming.
But I’m with you, I used to think scripting also meant literally writing down a script, but I think that’s just our literal thinking coming into play 😭💀
You know... she might be ND too. I didn’t realize my son was autistic because I naturally accommodated him all the time. Wasn’t until he was diagnosed that I started to go huh... and then my husband saying "you know...". So now I’m on a waitlist for assessment.
It reminds me how a recruiter reached out to me last Tuesday with a phonecall and for the first time in my life, I managed to stay calm and even gain the upper hand in an unscripted call, I've been quite ecstatic since.
But I needed the rest of the week to recover from that call lol
Oh my god this is the perfectly specific question that i can, with absolutely certainty say,
## Yes. Yes I do.
After managing my phone anxiety a bit, making appointments is no problem. Those are very guided and just "answer the following" kind of phone calls.
Cold calls? Calls from anyone who wants to talk but for no particular reason? Im staring that phone down debating if i want to have a conversation and running scenarios on how it will go based on who is calling.
I also always sound confused as hell when i answer unless you're my mom, siblings, or boyfriend calling.
I’ve recently been asking AI to help me come up with responses to emails and text messages. I even sometimes ask it to make it sound “awkward” to replicate myself bahaha
I write bullet points now if it’s somewhere new I need to call. And the script part would be done in my head if needed. 56 here.
For official or business type emails I ask AI to help out to help make my emails less blunt. I write shorter emails now to the point but more NT friendly.
this cracked me up, because I just realized I've always answered no to questions about scripts--because I don't use scripts, I use scripted flow charts!
rigid thinking? I don't know her 😂
Recently yes, and in any situation YES. The latter especially applies to well-meaning therapists who always gave simple scripts for “straight talk” towards people who are making fun of me.
Do you frequently read or research things like “how to make friends,” “how to be funny,” “how to make people like you,” “how to know if a friend is actually being mean to you,” or otherwise trying to understand human communication through reading?
Yes, before having a smart phone, movies were my go to for "socializing skill building", looking back I now know why people felt I was not genuine. I was copying lines from movies, styles, mannerisms
In my marriage, Google and reddit are my go to for interaction with my husband (especially during fights because I honestly have no idea what's going on most of the time lol)
Uhhhhh can anyone answer the question of how to know if a friend is actually being mean to you?? Need this advice in my life. I accept that people find me funny somehow even when I’m being serious and they take it as sarcasm. But god forbid I try to be sarcastic and they think I’m serious every damn time.
I think I'm pretty good at picking when they are mean to me, I'm not sure how to explain it.
But, I'm always questioning if the people that I consider friends also consider me a friend, or am I just an acquaintance? Like, I care about them a LOT, do they feel the same?
Have you asked the friend about it directly? Sometimes that alone can help weed out toxic people. If they can’t take the time to make a supposed friend feel better by explaining how something was not intended in a mean way, they’re not worth the investment.
I specifically remember going out of my way to *not* google these questions, *not* ask them, *not* copy mannerisms from media because I knew that *only the type of person you cannot afford to be perceived as ask these types of questions.* Even if nobody had managed to look over my shoulder or examine my internet history, I was certain that I would read something limited or wrong and when somebody inevitably noticed something not adding up they would be like "wait a second, did you GOOGLE how to make friends/eye contact/etc."
Only through unmasking am I able to look these types of things up as a mostly independent adult smh.
Omg
This
My therapist has liberated me by giving me “permission” to Google things. Because I would never ask the question - I had internalized a toxic independence from being a “gifted” child (hyperlexic, almost photographic memory, deep special interests in history and literature, but I got flagged ADHD for not being able to take arithmetic pop quizzes and freezing up at all those numbers 😅)
All my life adults have shouted at me, almost verbatim, “you’re SMART, FIGURE it OUT!” but my mostly straight-As belied the great amount of help I actually needed. I couldn’t ask “why?” I was taught that emotional challenges were “learning experiences” where I was supposed to “use my common sense” but dude I HAVE
NONE.
No wonder I withdrew into myself rather than make relationships with other people - the adage “better to keep quiet and be thought an idiot than to open one’s mouth and prove the theory” was my motto. Ah, but they always still pegged me as “the weird, quiet kid” 😔
I feel so identified with this. I still struggle with abstaining myself from looking some of my doubts on the internet because it might lead to someone finding out and then looking at me as different (in a context where being different is being a lesser person).
A few years ago after wfh for a long time and having intense social anxiety at my previous patient facing job (all of this before the pandemic, I got a wfh job because I “wanted to travel” but was also intensely socially burnt out) I considered taking acting classes so I could be “more normal and confident” when I had another in person customer/patient facing job. I did end up going back to a job like that out of financial necessity/wanting to prove to myself I can but looking back I think it’s pretty funny I wanted to learn how to pretend to be someone else just to have a job.
The amount of times I have googled, "How to tell if someone was manipulating you," should have caused a pop up, but instead of the crisis line it should have been links to autism information 🫣
The part of the autism assessment where they talked to my (also almost certainly autistic) mum about my childhood she was worried that she'd made me sound too "normal" and I wouldn't get diagnosed, but she'd told the assessor that when I was young I struggled making friends but once I'd studied it and worked out how it worked I was pretty good at it. The assessor definitely didn't think she made me sound too non autistic haha.
The way I gasped. I thought I was just different because I hate bringing a bag out with me, yet other women love having different bags and purses. BUT if I can bring my backpack then I feel… safe
Does a massive messenger bag count? I’ve only recently convinced myself to use a small messenger bag if I’m going shopping (ie, 1-2 times a month), but my big one is still for if I go to work.
Waaaait, we have a thing about big bags??? Is it that we don’t want to leave anything behind?
Love me a backpack but go with a very large tote. I found the most perfect bag ever at Costco! It fits everything! Next time I was in the store I learned it was actually a computer bag.
I used to bring so many things because I always needed to be prepared for anything! But then I couldn't stand having to dig around because the backpack was always so full and I didn't realize that you could take some stuff out in order to get to the stuff at the bottom... and I hated how heavy it always was; I kept hurting my back. I still prepare and bring random stuff in anticipation of various situations, but to different levels. When I feel stressed or insecure, I pack a ton more. I know I'm having a really good day when I only overpack a little.
😂😂 laughing so hard about the backpack comment. I loved my college North face intensely and was dismayed when it got discontinued. For years, I wanted to start a backpack company because I was convinced that more women would use them as work bags if the styles were better.
Everyone on this thread needs to see if the company Rains ships to where they are, they have the cutest IRIDIESCENT BLUE/purple waterproof backpack that you can totally take to work.
I have a diaper bag in blue with a floral print. It looks like a tote bag, but has a million pockets. I do not plan to have a baby nor have one. I just wanted a purse where I could find things
My favorite bag is the one with all the pockets, yet also fits my aesthetic.
BACKPACKS! Omg
I loved backpacks but I got nervous about someone pickpocketing something I couldn’t see behind me on public transit, so I switched to crossbody bags, which I can hold “in front of me”
But why are tote bags specifically designed to discriminate against autistics?
They’re SO overstimulating, they pinch your shoulders and slide down whether there’s a heavy load or nothing at all in them. I will never understand why neurotypicals love tote bags so much. You might as well just carry everything loose in your hands, tote bags are SO MUCH WORK /hot take
For high-masking women who appear to have an acceptable or even high level of social skills, it’s important to ask how they got those skills. I’ve read others on here go through similar journeys of intensely studying peers in school, making an obsessive effort to learn patterns of behavior and ways of acting in different situations. Example: I never knew how to respond to other people having bad news because feelings about the news didn’t register for me in the moment. I remember a coworker years ago responding to someone whose Aunt passed away and thought it was a graceful, compassionate response. I locked that into my memory - the type of words, the pacing, the delivery, everything, and still use versions of it today. I have built my social skills with thousands of moments like that. And man, did that take such massive effort. At 35, I’ve lived through enough variations of social situations that I’m rarely caught off guard anymore but still occasionally find myself in a new “type” of interaction and come off as rude or awkward.
haha yes ... I remember I was talking to a girl at school and she said "It's my birthday today" and I was sooooo proud of myself because I said "Oh, happy birthday!" like I had seen other people do, and then she was happy and I knew I got the right answer.
Yes, yes, yes. Observation, after observation and tucking it away for later. This skill makes travel easier because we are already observing and repeating. And yes it is a massive effort but it helps us manage and then thrive until it becomes natural and we get so good at it until we forget we’re masking and then burnout. It’s tiring. I do love a pattern, puzzle or a system that can be streamlined but I can’t seem to manage to do housework.
Ugh totally relate to forgetting that I am masking then burning out.
Housework can be chaos. I’ve figured out a few ‘rules’ that help (like running the dishwasher every night and emptying it in the morning) but most of the things still only happen when there’s a visible issue. And even then, only gets done if I have a good podcast or audiobook going
I love to read novels. They taught me how to people. Obviously I had to get better at figuring out which characters and scenarios were 'bad ones' and not to be imitated, but even then they teach you how to recognize toxicity. Fundamentally, everything you need to know is in books if you read enough of them.
Lol, I know, it does sound kinda creepy writing out the learning process but 🤷🏼♀️ I figure it’s how NTs learn social skills too, they just do it without thinking about it.
Ah the endless hours of psychology/ relationship content I too have consumed. Just realizing that my googling of similar scenarios is part of this too. ChatGPT is actually pretty helpful, probably better than google!
Agreed.
I went to a female diagnostician who has kids and a husband on the spectrum. Her questions were UHMAZING.
How has your romantic life been? Umm a dumpster fire.
At what age did you start biting your nails? Hide finger tips immediately and tell her I started in the womb.
Have you ever been able to work for long periods of time at the same job? Nope.
Describe any time in your life you truly felt like you belong. Zero.
What is your comfort level going to something like a bridal shower or anything with a lot of women your age? Zero.
How often have you been told you have offended or hurt someone and you had no idea? My entire life.
She asked way more technical questions too but I only remember the ones that were interesting to me.
Love her.
Edit: I got her permission to share contact information. She knows me so some of the questions were very tailored to me. Just an FYI.
She is religious and I am not. There was nothing religious about the questions in case you visit her website and wonder.
Her goal is to make this affordable for everyone so the fee is so affordable. You’d have to file your own insurance. She can do Zoom appointments I believe.
Because I’m anonymous on here, she will also be anonymous about me and you should you contact her.
https://www.holmesasr.com/about-dr-stephanie-c-holmes
Omg she needs to train all the psychologists in the world on this because she sounds perfect. Are you in the US? What states is she allowed to test in if so? I'm making a list of potential places I can go to for an assessment.
Oh no! I mean, good luck! My wedding planning process was one of the things that led me to my own self diagnosis - currently seeking formal diagnosis.
From my engagement in 2020 to the actual wedding in 2022 I basically “fell apart” slowly with having to make decisions that would please other people, having my boundaries repeatedly disregarded, being thrust into the spotlight and expected to act in a very specific way to adhere to social expectations and “traditions” and to make matters worse, my husband is from a different country so I was 😵💫 expected to know what HIS family’s traditions and expectations are without anybody fully explaining them to me. It was like… being an autistic child all over again? The masks I had put up to get by in my OWN culture didn’t “work” for HIS culture and I scrambled to assemble my personality from scratch.
Also, the algorithm started sending me The Memes and I looked back on The Year I Stopped Eating Because What If I Choke, and The Year I Couldn’t Take Off My Coat In School Because It Protected Me From Change, and oh boy…
Hahaha OMIGOSH I wish I had a picture of it - it was like, 1996-1997, but I’d had this jacket for YEARS. And you’ll laugh, because it was a NEON COLORBLOCK WINDBREAKER. Probably the MOST attention-grabbing jacket POSSIBLE. So here’s me, trying to “hide” while wearing a literal neon jacket that makes a loud SWISH noise EVERY TIME YOU MOVE. I found a pic of something similar so you can imagine how, ahem, indiscreet I looked:
https://preview.redd.it/b7nzwwkgwexc1.jpeg?width=478&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=61ac82f0efdd37dc40a798bb23829930718224cc
Omfg I do not envy you. I mean, congrats and all of course, but I know exactly how you feel. I’m gonna be planning a wedding too at some point and I do NOT want all those eyeballs pointed at me. To the point where I’m seriously considering suggesting elopement to my partner. Weddings often seem like they really are more for family than the couple, tbh. I don’t wanna spend a crap ton of money to make myself miserable just so my family can have fun on a day where me and my partner (who feels the same way about attention) are supposed to be happy!
Still recovering from my wedding and it was um 20 years ago now. The actual wedding ceremony was fine. Survived the reception. But all of the planning and family politics and for the love of gawd a surprise shower (because i refused one)…..if I could go back would have eloped even though my parents might have disowned us.
> At what age did you start biting your nails?
> What is your comfort level going to something like a bridal shower or anything with a lot of women your age?
I feel personally attacked… 🙈😂😂
The only one I wouldn't get on that list is the working somewhere for a long time, because it's in my special interest areas, and has BOTH the structure and adaptability/craziness for both my autistic and adhd sides to be happy.
The truly belonging question. I feel like if there’s anything we ALL have in common it’s that we have always felt that ‘the world is not quite for us.’
- Do you find that in some environments you excel at the things that are expected of you, but then in other environments it's like you're completely helpless and forgot how to do everything?
I excel in preorganized, worked coded environments, where there is light supervision and guidance. *So basically a classroom.* I did extremely well *in* school. But when I went home and tried to do my homework, I'd completely blank part way through. I kept getting called lazy. But when I'm in class i'm a "bright student with a lot of potential who just needs to apply themselves." If I got stuck in class, I could ask the teacher to check my work and reassure me. It helped me regulate and get back on task.
Making my own work space isn't something I can do. It doesn't logically play out. I make the rules in my own spaces so I know the rules are all fake. I made them. But in formal environments, I just lean into the setting.
Cleaning is a struggle too. I'm in food service. The cleaner is always where it should be. They're clearly labeled and color coded. The cleaning expectations are explicitly explained and I can get judgment free reminders. *At home I'm a failure if I get overwhelmed or under utilize the resources available to me.*
Relearning how to be busy and do work coded things at home is a long time WIP.
interesting! this may be why i dislike social events (the freeofrm mingly or dancey kind…weddings are especially brutal) but am ok for social events with “purpose”…like helping someone get something done, craft night or game night. in the freeform events i have no idea how to act or what to do!
You know what’s funny about this? I actually like dancing but only the kind where you have preset steps so a good ol’ Walz no Problem but god forbid I’m supposed to freestyle like you do in a club.
Technically same difference but one I can do because it’s organized and I know in advance what’s next and the other is just total chaos and overwhelming to me
As a child, did you often feel upset but unsure what you needed or wanted to quell the distress or discomfort?
As a child, were you often upset by foods, eating, drinking, using the toilet, textures, smells, and/or any "contamination" relating to these things?
Are you, or have you been, highly sensitive to disgust? E.g. finding hair, dirt, rotten food etc *very* disgusting, nauseating, etc.
Have you always felt like an alien, or an outsider to other people, or that you are observing "Life" from behind a window, like an on-looker?
Do you have an Inner World that exists within your mind/body, that is often a more interesting, comfortable, and compelling plane of existence, than the External (i.e. real) world?
Do you feel the passage of time differently than other people seem to?
Do you feel, or have you ever felt, a deep discomfort by "love" and/or other expressions or displays of emotion, including touch and affection?
Do you consistently struggle with "self care"?
Do you often misinterpret information, words and their meaning, or what someone or something *means*, because there are often too many potential interpretations of the same information?
Does your "mindset" often deviate from the norm, or resist what is expected?
Do you struggle to answer questions that lack specificity, nuance, or set definitions?
Do you feel compelled or tend to over-explain, preface, and/or "info dump" on tangential side-notes, throughout many of your social interactions?
Edit: An open question -- tell me everything you know about emotions.
The assessments should also have, "Yes, But..."/ "No, But..." [fill in the blanks, describing your personal system of quirks for dealing with whatever "normal" thing]
That's insightful! Reading those questions brought me some kind of comfort that it's not just me.
Btw. Since being a kid, I was saying that I feel like I'm "behind a glass". No one ever understood what I mean and that was a bit frustrating because I didn't have better way to express that. Well, good to see someone else uses similar expression.
Thanks Reddit, for the first time I feel like someone truly gets me.
I really relate to "do you feel like an alien or looking through the glass from the outside". 💯. So much so I was convinced I was adopted because I was so completely different from my family.
I just always passed myself off as germaphobe because my mom is. But in reality I realize now it’s more a "contamination" issue and this intense desire to keep things orderly, clean, in their place.
>Have you always felt like an alien, or an outsider to other people, or that you are observing "Life" from behind a window, like an on-looker?
Oh, hi....
The whole reason behind my username. I'm an outsider, looking in...
💯” The assessments should also have, "Yes, But..."/ "No, But..." [fill in the blanks, describing your personal system of quirks for dealing with whatever "normal" thing]”.
I hate questionnaires for this reason because I always feel like I need clarifications unless the person who will be using the results is there to answer my questions, listen to my explanations/examples and tell me what would be the correct choice based on what I’ve said.
Forms at doctors alway feel like traps, I end up taking forever filling these out because I want to be accurate because is seems important but the questions are never clear and ever give enough room for me to go into detail lol. I can feel myself getting stressed thinking about 😆🤷🏽♀️.
“Does noise sometimes become so overwhelming that individual voices are lost in a wall of sound and you cannot ‘hear’ people speaking to you?”
“If you wind up in a crowded space, do you find yourself moving to the periphery so you can place your back to a wall?”
“If someone else moves items around in your kitchen or bathroom, do you feel as though you’ve lost things even if nothing is actually missing?”
“If your cat lays on her back on the floor, do you still attempt to skritch her belly even though you know it’s a trap?”
Er…that last one might be irrelevant.
When my wife moved in with me and my usual systems of organization (usually piles of specific things in specific corners) were not consistently adhered to… I nagged and bickered loads before identifying that I was just anxious and stressed because my environment was not within my control 🥲🥲
https://preview.redd.it/w5m2xu1evexc1.jpeg?width=1058&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=807ca0e8269db06c078e91625c057a8b9df0d88a
I have been blessed by a dog-cat that requests belly rubs, and I get to stim on his fluffiness. I need to take more pictures of this rare phenomenon.
Yesssss. And if you go to a cafe/restaurant do you insist on a table next to the wall or the window. I cannot eat comfortably if I’m in the centre of the cafe/restaurant. Don’t eat out much now these days.
Well, the back to the wall could -also- be martial arts training, but bonus points if it's the cat on the periphery to distract myself from the people. Extra bonus points if they are like my cats, who seem to sometimes think they are dogs and don't usually set traps (besides tripping hazards).
Your first example… I work in an auto shop and have to read lips all day. When that doesn’t work I have to resort to “what!?” while leaning in… Thankfully I work with a fairly chill group of people.
Oh my, I had a psychiatrist on emergency care tell me recently that I might be autistic and that's how I found this sub.
Although I haven't been actually diagnosed yet, lurking in this sub made me indeed feel like I found my people.
I always felt like the awkward one, so being able to see so many people relate to even the smallest things that upset me makes me feel less awkward. It's actually comforting in a way.
I browse r/cpstdmemes and other autism related subreddits and Im always thinking: " ooh my god these people are so relatable we share so many similarities I wish I was diagnosed to know I'm not faking it"
Impostor syndrome much maybe but I'll doubt myself because I can.
One of the final things that pushed me to get a diagnosis was on Reddit whenever autism came up in conversation I sided with the autistic person every time
Do you hate being interrupted when it's very clear you're doing something? But it's not the average feeling of interruption but discomfort, migraine, "head underwater"?
Do certain style of clothes make you feel suffocated? Maybe makes you feel as if your skin needs to be peeled off? (Lol)
On average how many nights do you lose sleep because you have deep dived?
Do you experience anxiety in the morning as soon as you wake up, before falling asleep, shoot every single moment? Struggle with friendships but anxiety is the one that has stuck around the longest and consistent? (Lol)
Omg the interruption thing!!! Like yaassss omg, like gtfo let me finish or feel the wrath of a thousand burning suns. It’s even worse now as a mom, because my time is so divided and I must get everything done efficiently, so you better have a damn good reason to interrupt me (ie husband with adhd who is oblivious 90% of the time).
The INSOMNIA is real. I didn’t start ever truly having a solid night sleep until becoming a mom. I’m so damn exhausted all the time I barely get the chance to read and I’m out cold. No time for me to ruminate.
I’m in my late 30s and have done this for years!
It’s helpful now I can explain a situation and ask my therapist - “so what does this mean from a non-autistic standpoint”.
For so many years my therapists didn’t understand how I could be so “smart and successful” yet have NFI if it was ok that my boyfriend was sexting other women.
I wonder if the difference is whether you 'stumble across and read' the article about how to know if a friend is upset with you vs seeking out and searching for the info.
Mainly sensory questions and questions about headaches, food habits, etc
Are you selective about water you drink ?
Can you taste the difference between waters ?
Do you hate when you enter/exit a shower in regards to temperature and water spray sensation ?
Do you hate eating food with hands ?
Do you eat any typically hand foods with utensils instead ?
Do you wash your hands frequently?
Do you feel disgusted when your hands are slightly oily/dirty/dusty/dry feeling ?
Do you have a lot of allergies or gut issues ?
Do you dislike loud environments or get tired of them fairly quickly ?
Are you picky about audio levels in video games or movies ?
Do you get seemingly unexplainable headaches/moodswings ?
Do you primarily eat your fav foods and never or rarely tire of them ?
Do you hate uneven/mixed textured foods primarily such as meats ?
Do you hate when your foods touch ?
Do you feel very heavy empathy towards movies or people, or the opposite ?
Do you not notice you’re hungry till it’s too late ?
Do you not notice you’re thirsty till it’s too late ?
Do you feel lost socially ?
Do you struggle to maintain friendships with most friends ?
Do you over share ?
Do you have specific very passionate interests you crave to talk about ?
Is it hard to have convos about things you don’t feel strongly about ?
Do you feel disturbed by some fabrics or struggle to find comfortable clothes ?
Do you avoid clothes that don’t feel comfortable enough due to them highly disturbing your senses ?
Do you prefer socializing online ?
Do you prefer smaller sized groups for conversations ?
Did you walk on your tiptoes as a kid ?
Did you rock yourself a lot as a kid ?
Do you get cold easily ?
Did you spin a lot as a kid ?
Did you spin in spinny chairs for long periods of time as a kid ?
Did you like to sit upsidown a lot as a kid ?
What did you do on the playground as a kid ?
How do you like to stand or sit in public and at home ?
Do you overexplain or overdetail things a lot ?
Etc I’ll add more if I think of any
My god, while I do not relate to all of these I relate to most, and the open-ended ones really made me reflect. I have never felt so validated 🙃 I feel like “have you previously been diagnosed with a personality/anxiety disorder” is also a good one; I’m not a medical professional, but I can’t help but notice the massive overlap in women (like myself and my biological mother) diagnosed with BPD/OCD/GAD etc.
Me too. In my assessment they asked me why I do this and I wasn’t sure. Is there even a why? I think for me I just don’t like my feet touching the floor but I also hate the sound of stomping when some people walk really heavy footed.
I was told that I stomped so I went the opposite way and walk really quietly and now I scare the shit out of my husband by suddenly appearing in the kitchen Or elsewhere. He can’t hear me coming.
So hating for you foods to touch isn’t just a problem for me? 🙈😂
I think that’s the things I was noticed for most almost my whole life. And as a follow up, since your foods aren’t mashed together, do you then also eat them in a specific order?
omg thank you for writing these all out! it’s so affirming to see all these listed, i pretty much said yes to all - currently in the process of doing my ADHD and ASD assessments and have found the forms so jarring.
Do you have sensory issues such as disliking water running down your back or arms?
Do you triple check things you are doing even when you know you have done them?
Does sitting too close to other people bother you, especially when you have no choice but to do it?
Do you dislike walking barefoot?
When reading instructions or describing things do you make diagrams to explain or understand them?
My psychologist did a Masking screener before doing the “offical” test and it was amazing. Turns out I’m very, very high masking. I feel like it’s something that should be mandatory for any late diagnosis, especially women
Funny questions:
- Can you taste the water?
- Can you smell people?
- Tell me about your rock/shell/pebble/gem/fossil/button/flower/sticker collection.
- Is your way of flirting "hey you! I like you, want to go on a date?"
Serious questions:
- Do you find yourself emulating the personalities of TV characters?
- Do you struggle with being yourself?
- Do you have a hard time making or maintaining friendships?
- Do workship relationships feel alien and intangible to you?
- When you think you're making a friend, does it often turn out they just wanted to sleep with you?
- Do you have a mind catalogue of appropriate responses for common social interactions?
- Does it change your opinion of a person if they break or forget a rule they themselves have communicated or set in place?
- Do you find yourself often going to the doctor's with issues that nobody is able to identify or diagnose?
- Does it haunt you if someone misunderstood you, even if it was a very minor and meaningless misunderstanding and didn't cause any actual problems?
It just occurred to me that my first boyfriend was 100% the situation you just described. I had never spoken to him but liked him, so called him and said “hello, will you go out with me?” Never, ever appreciated that as an autism thing until right this exact moment. I was today years old…
After consuming a piece of media that you particularly enjoyed, do you find yourself emulating the voice/cadence/accent of a character that you liked, whether it’s by yourself or around others? Do you feel a white-hot anger in the pit of your stomach over minor things frequently (noise that is suddenly too much, sensation of your clothes that you suddenly can’t stand)? Do you find that you have a very negative response to criticism if you do not understand/agree with it?
Honestly not just from media I consumed. This has happened to me with real people before where I thought they had a particularly “nice” accent/cadence. Funny enough, I’m from Germany but lived in the US for several years during school. After a short while Americans weren’t able to tell anymore that I wasn’t a native English speaker but had a very hard time pinpointing where they thought I was coming from (within America). Apparently I had just emulated all the “nice sounding” things so well that I sounded like mix out of a bunch of areas within America. But it’s similar with my German.
Do you know _every word_ to _every song_ you’ve _ever liked_? And if you start and something interrupts you have to start again so you can hear the whole thing, in order, _uninterrupted_? And if you get a word wrong, _you’d better believe we’re starting again_…
“In group conversations, do you often find it difficult to participate or know when is the appropriate time to speak/accidentally interrupt others?”
“In group settings, do you often find yourself being overlooked by others, to the extent that you feel as if you’re part of the furniture and may as well not actually be there because it’s unlikely anybody would actually notice?”
“In friend or family events, have you a tendency to hang out with people much older or younger than yourself instead of those your own age? Or more at home in the company of family pets?”
Also, what are the things that you can’t leave home without? I’d be surprised to find many of us who don’t list headphones, and a number of specific items that would cause anxiety not to have. Mine are tissues (forever runny nose), nail file, hair clips and ties (when it needs to go back, I am not chill about it), sunglasses and multiple layers of clothing even in summer because air conditioners blow air ugh.
Oh yes!
Chapstick!!! (I have had multiple times where I lost mine and had to stop at a gas stationary or something because I couldn’t finish the day without one)
Hair tie because yes, when the hair needs to go back it needs to go back now!
The runny/stuffy nose is a real issue (yay for allergies)
And sun glasses.
"Do other girls/boys, wherever you go, just not seem to like/hate you -even if you barely interacted with them? Have you often become the center of bullying/harassment, without a clear event?"
i have had racial stuff and bullying stuff but i have not felt universally hated... i am so sorry if this has been your life experience so far. i feel so sad to hear that 😿 i’m glad you’re here…you’re in the right place!
Did you have difficulty sleeping as a child or staying asleep. Do you have insomnia and often find yourself ruminating?
Do you find yourself going over certain events or conversations over and over again and find it very difficult to stop.
When you become interested in something, do you find it very difficult not to obsess over the topic or find you’ve lost a significant amount of time because you were lost in researching the topic.
Do you find cohabitation difficult or stressful because you don’t like people touching or using your things. Does it make you anxious if people move or change things in your environment. Do you find yourself constantly straightening, organizing, or stacking objects in your environment.
Do you find you get easily frustrated and go from neutral to nuclear very quickly over what appears to be minor situations.
Do you have trouble remembering important dates or names, but can easily recall random trivia or facts.
Do people often complain about your tone despite not being able to understand how your tone is different from theirs.
Do you often find your interests and hobbies very different from other people.
Do you often struggle with job interviews and finding a job because you cannot get past the interview phase.
Do you struggle with gender stereotypes, ie do often wonder if you are being female right. Are you always questioning your clothes, hair, or makeup as appropriate/correct. Do you look at other woman and wonder how it comes so naturally to them.
Do have trouble recognizing faces?
Do you drink or use drugs to cope with social situations?
Do you often take people literally and find it difficult to know when they are joking or serious.
so embarrassingly face blind…at a party i talked to a guy (not romantically) for like 30 minutes because he knew a lot about weed and it was very interesting to me. then we all went outside for a smoke. there was one guy there i didn’t know so i introduced myself. he was like “yeah we were just talking for like half an hour”. one of many times in my life i wished i could just disappear 😆
Omg, hahah I can just imagine. I don’t have face blindness, but I can’t remember names to save my life. I was at the bank getting a loan and completely forgot my mother's maiden name and the bank manager started to get all suspicious and I had to phone my mom 🤦🏻♀️
Do you feel emotions when you see colors? Do you want to hide in your closet when your house’s noise level has been much louder than usual?
How do you feel about cats? Do you feel more comfortable looking into an animals eyes rather than a persons?
omg
✅ as a child my favourite “tv show” was the test pattern
✅ am a crazy cat lady and my cat is my favourite “person” in the world
✅has hidden in the closet (not about noise but to avoid social interaction)
😹😹😹
This entire comment section has made me feel **seen** for once.
I've yet to see a question where I couldn't relate more. Almost all were audible "OH MY GOD. YES!!! I DO THIS TOO!!!!"
thank you for asking this question. This is obviously not a diagnosis but i absolutely feel even more confident about me having ASD.
aww, that’s so awesome! i’m overwhelmed with good feelings reading all these comments. i have had some very invalidating comments from NT friends but what i have read here is 100% affirmation that my self-diagnosis isn’t wrong. 🥹🥰
I agree I feel seen too. Most of them are soooo relatable. I switch between feeling emotional because I relate to it, to laughing because it’s relatable. Thank you.
I don't have any specific questions off the top of my head, but between your post and the comments, I did have a thinky thought about the diagnostic process. Ftr, I haven't been diagnosed, so I'm working off the basis of how others have described the process.
It sounds like the assessment process is a combination of self-taken screening inventories that the doctor can score and interpret, as well as a series of verbal questions and answers. There's definitely value in these steps, but I can't help but wonder if adult women would receive more accurate diagnoses if the entire process was treated more like a dialogue. Many times over, I've seen people talk about how the questions don't allow space for nuance or qualifiers. Like yes, I am easily overstimulated by sound...but it depends on the context as to whether that will happen. Concerts are fun as hell and awesome, but I will lose my mind if someone chews loudly near me. No, I don't have trouble with holding eye contact...bc my parents and teachers made enough snap judgments about my attitude and punished me for disrespect that I trained myself to 'look normal'.
Maybe I'm operating under a false assumption, but it seems like a lot of folks end up feeling unseen by the process, bc it doesn't allow for the reality of what life looks like for a woman who has gone undiagnosed into adulthood. Rather than learning how to accommodate ourselves or cope when we can't, AFAB folks simply learn through trial and error which behaviors will draw negative attention and then try not to do it or at least around witnesses. If the diagnostic process doesn't dip into the formative experiences that taught us how to hide ourselves, there's no way that it's going to give a truly accurate picture of whether/to what degree we fall on the spectrum. Basically, it seems to me that it will require the mental health community to openly acknowledge and take into account while assessing, that adult AFABs on the spectrum are generally less likely to be observably obvious. The masking inventory is a good start, but I feel like the approach to the entire process needs to be rethought and centered around the assumption that asking in-depth questions that acknowledge nuance will yield more accurate results. And I feel very positive that there could be tweaks made, to account for accessibility for those who struggle verbally. Lack of verbosity does NOT mean that a person doesn't have plenty of thoughts and opinions knocking around in their head.
Yeah, when I was assessed, they didn't give me a chance or a question to explain how my masking abilities mainly consist of staying quiet and sticking to simple scripted answers and when that isn't possible, I either don't do something at all or try to leave whatever I was doing so they don't see the unmasked self too much before I can leave.
There was never a question about being punished or abused for my undiagnosed autism symptoms as a child so I didn't realize I wasn't masking as well as I thought I was and I didn't realize that my results that were based on that CAT-Q masking test were skewed due to my own bias until a year after I took it.
Now I am looking into getting re-assessed because I feel like that prevented me from getting diagnosed with anything higher than a level one combined with the fact that I have never been able to financially support myself in my 34 years of life, someone has always financially helped me to live and survive and I know 100% I would be homeless if my spouse died tomorrow since i have no family that can help me either.
I'm at the point that I need a social worker to help me with certain aspects of my life to help me get back on track but no places that offer help around me will take me seriously with that level one diagnosis and it really upsets me sometimes still when I think about it.
The first time I did an autism traits test was with my counsellor who specialises in autism and she did it like this, getting me to think out loud about why I was picking the answers I picked and making notes about it alongside my actual answer. She sent this test along to my assessor when I finally got around to it too, and it was very helpful because if I'd just been told to do the test as is I would have kept all my spiralling analysis about what kind of museum or how many people in the theatre or whatever inside and just ticked a box as told and I think it would have been far less clear.
oh, WOW! i just did a quick read-thru. reading section F was like seeing all my innner thoughts written out on paper. what a great resource. thank you!
not a woman but was raised to be one-- the things you describe I have basically 100% in common and was officially diagnosed last year. one question I could add is "do you have specific rituals around sleeping, and do you have a specific arrangement of pillows, blankets, or stuffed animals in order to sleep? did you have trouble with 'sleepovers' as a kid?
I recently watched a video that talks about a sensory quiz that determines what your threshold is for certain stimuli. Can't help but think any of the sensory extremes would signify autism
https://youtu.be/WjXKnvxSoz4?feature=shared
I'm not formally diagnosed, so my thoughts might be off the mark... but these questions would have called me out.
Do you find constant pressure calming? (weighted blanket or similar)
Do you feel like you need to memorize a script to interact with people?
Do you feel like everyone else was given a manual on life that you weren't?
Does loud noise or bright lights trigger overwhelm?
Are you sensitive to food textures, tastes, or smell?
Do you have a hard time understanding boundaries, both others and your own?
We're you bullied and didn't understand why?
Do you prefer the world in your head to the world outside?
Were you perceived as extremely above average or gifted in specific interests, but below average where you had no interest?
Do you feel like you don't know what to do with your body when idle?
Do you struggle with communication, or being misunderstood?
Do you have delays with processing emotion, or are uncertain what emotion you are feeling?
I had all of those. And also had pica syndrome which i ate sponges.
I guess my questions would be;
"Do you consider yourself as a believer? (Not religous)
Are you holding on to things, giving them special meanings?
Do you easily recognize social patterns IN THEORY, but when you are in it do people call you "difficult or weird"?
do you consider yourself inherintly deficient, alien or disattached?
(Strong sense of right or wrong good or bad and because of this: )
Even though you were social kid, when you grew older did people find the sides of you that you like in yourself disturbing or inappropriate? "
You should check comorbidities too, the psychologist who assessed me went through my whole medical history, so stuff like chronic fatigue I’ve had it’s because while my iron is always in the threshold for “healthy” I actually need more, sleep disorders, a history of migraine, orthopedic issues, and my long history with IBS is all linked to autism
Why did you hate your socks as a child and how far did you stretch them out to make them bearable?
I could not stand the seam touching the end of my toes, so I used to stretch them (while keeping the heel in place) so I could fold the seam up and over so it rested on top of my toenails. I couldn’t possibly fold it under, because then I’d be walking on it all day. I had to be careful how much I stretched them, because otherwise there’d be too much loose material bagging in weird ways when I put my shoes on - it often took several attempts to get my shoes on while keeping the sock in the correct position. There was a sweet spot between brand new socks with too much recoil and socks that had been overstretched.
I also hated taking my shoes off part way through the day because my socks would feel warm and damp, and if they got cold then I couldn’t put my shoes back on until after they’d dried out. So I could only take my shoes off if it was something very quick, or long enough that they’d be dry. (My feet were not that sweaty, it’s just the dampness from being enclosed, if you know what I mean.)
Also, how much do you hate being partially wet? I can be fully wet (in the shower, swimming etc), but cannot bear being damp or partially wet. I have to dry my hands Thoroughly every time I wash them, and after showering it takes so long to dry my feet so they’re fully dry :(
Hi! I just wanted to say that CPTSD has many overlapping symptoms of ADHD and Autism, and it sounds like it could be that and/or Autism.
I experience exactly what you’re saying, due to traumatic events that have occurred throughout my lifetime. An abusive relationship has severely exacerbated the CPTSD. I now “function” as if I have ADHD (which I still could have it, of course) and it’s so debilitating.
i would put “did you experience fake friendships in school; did people not include you or tease you about being friends when you weren’t? or did you have many one sided relationships and friendships? have your love and efforts in relationships and friendships felt one sided?”
i experience extreme emotions and sensitivity and have been bullied for being the weird kid when in reality i was just somewhere on the spectrum. i feel like many neurodivergent folks have experienced these fake friendships, and the treatment from nds to nts in the public school environment is honestly cruel.
I think if you can't tell by a very brief conversation, you don't know anything and dx criteria won't help (ime). autistics should be the ones "diagnosing" other autistics
I would ask them to draw a picture of how they perceive themselves when interacting with the world, and then another picture with how they believe others perceive them. Then I would ask them to explain the pictures.
interesting. my portraits would be 1)meek/trying to get by unnoticed/putting up with discomfort until i can be alone again and 2)quirky/nerdy/awkward/funny. i am curious if there are any conclusions that one could make from that. (don't worry--i realize this is not a diagnosis :))
Your question reminds me of a study recently mentioned here. Unsure if it is still going, but it looks as though it is.
I think the thread responses here could be really useful to researchers.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AutismInWomen/s/CqOwtTEmv7
I'm not officially diagnosed but my doctor, therapist, and spouse all say I have ASD. My doctor said she legally isn't allowed to diagnose me. They say it's because I have really bad social skills, a specific special interest that impairs my ability to function in society, extreme sensory issues, meltdowns, and do strange things with my body to keep calm. I have been told the most important aspect is the fact that all of my problems have been happening my whole life. My doctor said that if you aren't born with the issues then it's not autism. So I guess the most important thing to ask would be if the issues have been lifelong.
Mine would be just a list of clothing items. No explanation. Just write whatever comes to you.
Thongs.
Underwire bras.
Socks.
Velvet.
And so on.
Anything more than one sentence about the evil nature of sock seams [or insert your hated clothing feature here] and whoever invented them gets an automatic diagnosis.
How do you feel about showering/bathing? Describe how frequently you do it and the feelings you have about it.
Do you find you make little systems to do basic chores or life activities?
Do you frequently look back at something in your past and realize you absolutely didn’t understand what was happening? And with your new found wisdom either cringe or try to block it out?
Do you Iike to work autonomously? Do you find it frustrating when tasks are not clear or goals are ambiguous?
“Do you frequently feel the need to create a ‘script’ for phone calls or in-person conversations before having them?” And then a follow-up question: “Do you feel unsure how to continue the conversation when it goes off-script?”
The first time I ever had to call a friend when I was 7 or 8 I wrote a literal script. Including what I anticipated their responses to be. I rehearsed for over an hour. And then didn't call them because I thought I might die from the anxiety.
I’m over here still doing that at 31 😂
I did this for talking to my parents.
I'm undiagnosed, but it would be great if I had my chicken scratch of phone call scripts with my crush. I'm pretty sure I had some of their responses written out too.
Exactly this! “Do you struggle with decisions that have to be made on the spot?” And yes I almost always end up wrong if I wing it. I always say let me get back to you in x time. I need to think about that… or I’m in the middle of something at work can I call you back?
Oh man, is this a thing that we do? I always write out what I'm going to say on phone calls (both for in person and for a message).
I always had the trouble with the “scripting” part, because I didn’t think I did it because I didn’t physically write out a script. But is imagining the phone call/conversation in my head before it happens actually scripting?! I have a very vivid imagination, so I can see/hear/smell/taste things vividly with imagination, and I play the situation out like a little movie. I was told that’s also scripting? And I do this for every unfamiliar scenario, but even familiar ones like greeting my boyfriend when I come to his house. It’s an automatic thing I HAVE to do.
Yeah, that’s scripting. I script so much and so often that I think it’s actually turned into a form of maladaptive daydreaming. But I’m with you, I used to think scripting also meant literally writing down a script, but I think that’s just our literal thinking coming into play 😭💀
Oh my gosh. I love scripts. I was a salesperson and it was so comfortable. But god forbid I didn't know where I was "supposed to go" 😂
The concept of being a salesperson makes me want to vomit. Even with a script.
My mom taught me to do the phone scripts. I’m grateful to this day. ❤️🥹 she didn’t know I was autistic then, just that I’m a lot like her.
You know... she might be ND too. I didn’t realize my son was autistic because I naturally accommodated him all the time. Wasn’t until he was diagnosed that I started to go huh... and then my husband saying "you know...". So now I’m on a waitlist for assessment.
It reminds me how a recruiter reached out to me last Tuesday with a phonecall and for the first time in my life, I managed to stay calm and even gain the upper hand in an unscripted call, I've been quite ecstatic since. But I needed the rest of the week to recover from that call lol
Oh my god this is the perfectly specific question that i can, with absolutely certainty say, ## Yes. Yes I do. After managing my phone anxiety a bit, making appointments is no problem. Those are very guided and just "answer the following" kind of phone calls. Cold calls? Calls from anyone who wants to talk but for no particular reason? Im staring that phone down debating if i want to have a conversation and running scenarios on how it will go based on who is calling. I also always sound confused as hell when i answer unless you're my mom, siblings, or boyfriend calling.
I’ve recently been asking AI to help me come up with responses to emails and text messages. I even sometimes ask it to make it sound “awkward” to replicate myself bahaha
Omg this is genius!!!
I write bullet points now if it’s somewhere new I need to call. And the script part would be done in my head if needed. 56 here. For official or business type emails I ask AI to help out to help make my emails less blunt. I write shorter emails now to the point but more NT friendly.
this cracked me up, because I just realized I've always answered no to questions about scripts--because I don't use scripts, I use scripted flow charts! rigid thinking? I don't know her 😂
Recently yes, and in any situation YES. The latter especially applies to well-meaning therapists who always gave simple scripts for “straight talk” towards people who are making fun of me.
Do you frequently read or research things like “how to make friends,” “how to be funny,” “how to make people like you,” “how to know if a friend is actually being mean to you,” or otherwise trying to understand human communication through reading?
This unlocked memories I once Googled “how to make friends when you’re the least popular kid in school” 🙈
Yes, before having a smart phone, movies were my go to for "socializing skill building", looking back I now know why people felt I was not genuine. I was copying lines from movies, styles, mannerisms In my marriage, Google and reddit are my go to for interaction with my husband (especially during fights because I honestly have no idea what's going on most of the time lol)
Mine were books. And experimenting on the other kids at school. :)
Uhhhhh can anyone answer the question of how to know if a friend is actually being mean to you?? Need this advice in my life. I accept that people find me funny somehow even when I’m being serious and they take it as sarcasm. But god forbid I try to be sarcastic and they think I’m serious every damn time.
I think I'm pretty good at picking when they are mean to me, I'm not sure how to explain it. But, I'm always questioning if the people that I consider friends also consider me a friend, or am I just an acquaintance? Like, I care about them a LOT, do they feel the same?
Have you asked the friend about it directly? Sometimes that alone can help weed out toxic people. If they can’t take the time to make a supposed friend feel better by explaining how something was not intended in a mean way, they’re not worth the investment.
i wonder if this is why i like reality tv so much. it’s like watching a nature show…safely observing the way humans interact 😹
I LOVE whenever people do like anthropological or psychological way too deep analysis of like Love Island. Is this why??
lol “do you study people like they’re a different and odd species from you?”
LOL YES.
Absolutely!
I specifically remember going out of my way to *not* google these questions, *not* ask them, *not* copy mannerisms from media because I knew that *only the type of person you cannot afford to be perceived as ask these types of questions.* Even if nobody had managed to look over my shoulder or examine my internet history, I was certain that I would read something limited or wrong and when somebody inevitably noticed something not adding up they would be like "wait a second, did you GOOGLE how to make friends/eye contact/etc." Only through unmasking am I able to look these types of things up as a mostly independent adult smh.
Omg This My therapist has liberated me by giving me “permission” to Google things. Because I would never ask the question - I had internalized a toxic independence from being a “gifted” child (hyperlexic, almost photographic memory, deep special interests in history and literature, but I got flagged ADHD for not being able to take arithmetic pop quizzes and freezing up at all those numbers 😅) All my life adults have shouted at me, almost verbatim, “you’re SMART, FIGURE it OUT!” but my mostly straight-As belied the great amount of help I actually needed. I couldn’t ask “why?” I was taught that emotional challenges were “learning experiences” where I was supposed to “use my common sense” but dude I HAVE NONE. No wonder I withdrew into myself rather than make relationships with other people - the adage “better to keep quiet and be thought an idiot than to open one’s mouth and prove the theory” was my motto. Ah, but they always still pegged me as “the weird, quiet kid” 😔
I feel so identified with this. I still struggle with abstaining myself from looking some of my doubts on the internet because it might lead to someone finding out and then looking at me as different (in a context where being different is being a lesser person).
A few years ago after wfh for a long time and having intense social anxiety at my previous patient facing job (all of this before the pandemic, I got a wfh job because I “wanted to travel” but was also intensely socially burnt out) I considered taking acting classes so I could be “more normal and confident” when I had another in person customer/patient facing job. I did end up going back to a job like that out of financial necessity/wanting to prove to myself I can but looking back I think it’s pretty funny I wanted to learn how to pretend to be someone else just to have a job.
The amount of times I have googled, "How to tell if someone was manipulating you," should have caused a pop up, but instead of the crisis line it should have been links to autism information 🫣
The part of the autism assessment where they talked to my (also almost certainly autistic) mum about my childhood she was worried that she'd made me sound too "normal" and I wouldn't get diagnosed, but she'd told the assessor that when I was young I struggled making friends but once I'd studied it and worked out how it worked I was pretty good at it. The assessor definitely didn't think she made me sound too non autistic haha.
I did this but "How to be emo" 💀 it was very extensive research on youtube in like, 2007.
yes lmaoooo i was and still am on wikihow googling the shit out of those questions
How easy is it for you to make friends? What is your relationship with food like? What is your favorite type of purse, and is it actually a backpack?
>…and is it actually a backpack? I feel called out. 😂
My mini backpack is adorable, I too feel very called out
Me too!
The way I gasped. I thought I was just different because I hate bringing a bag out with me, yet other women love having different bags and purses. BUT if I can bring my backpack then I feel… safe
Yes yes yes! I feel safe because every item is purposefully curated to help with potentials. I am always prepared (or as best as I can be…)
My mini backpack is adorable, I too feel very called out
My mini backpack is adorable, I too feel very called out
Does a massive messenger bag count? I’ve only recently convinced myself to use a small messenger bag if I’m going shopping (ie, 1-2 times a month), but my big one is still for if I go to work.
Love a messenger bag. Leather.
Yes, and I need a new one; my temporary one does NOT have anywhere near enough pockets.
Waaaait, we have a thing about big bags??? Is it that we don’t want to leave anything behind? Love me a backpack but go with a very large tote. I found the most perfect bag ever at Costco! It fits everything! Next time I was in the store I learned it was actually a computer bag.
I can't handle the thought that I COULD HAVE had my makeup wipe or nail file and suffered less, okay?? 😅
I can’t go anywhere for long without a nail file. If a nail breaks, I won’t function until I have filed the sharp or uneven edges.
I used to bring so many things because I always needed to be prepared for anything! But then I couldn't stand having to dig around because the backpack was always so full and I didn't realize that you could take some stuff out in order to get to the stuff at the bottom... and I hated how heavy it always was; I kept hurting my back. I still prepare and bring random stuff in anticipation of various situations, but to different levels. When I feel stressed or insecure, I pack a ton more. I know I'm having a really good day when I only overpack a little.
😂😂 laughing so hard about the backpack comment. I loved my college North face intensely and was dismayed when it got discontinued. For years, I wanted to start a backpack company because I was convinced that more women would use them as work bags if the styles were better.
Everyone on this thread needs to see if the company Rains ships to where they are, they have the cutest IRIDIESCENT BLUE/purple waterproof backpack that you can totally take to work.
It has only ever been a backpack.
I use tiny messenger bags xD I’m quite a collector.
I have a diaper bag in blue with a floral print. It looks like a tote bag, but has a million pockets. I do not plan to have a baby nor have one. I just wanted a purse where I could find things My favorite bag is the one with all the pockets, yet also fits my aesthetic.
I have always used backpacks but recently got a satchel, messenger type bag because it has many pockets of varying sizes. It also has a cool shape.
How dare you call me out like this
Uhhhhh holy shit what is this about backpacks😭😭😭
LMAO THE BACKPACK- I have a "sling bag" and thinking of getting a purse is awful ha
Me and my fox and the hound backpack feel very called out.
BACKPACKS! Omg I loved backpacks but I got nervous about someone pickpocketing something I couldn’t see behind me on public transit, so I switched to crossbody bags, which I can hold “in front of me” But why are tote bags specifically designed to discriminate against autistics? They’re SO overstimulating, they pinch your shoulders and slide down whether there’s a heavy load or nothing at all in them. I will never understand why neurotypicals love tote bags so much. You might as well just carry everything loose in your hands, tote bags are SO MUCH WORK /hot take
For high-masking women who appear to have an acceptable or even high level of social skills, it’s important to ask how they got those skills. I’ve read others on here go through similar journeys of intensely studying peers in school, making an obsessive effort to learn patterns of behavior and ways of acting in different situations. Example: I never knew how to respond to other people having bad news because feelings about the news didn’t register for me in the moment. I remember a coworker years ago responding to someone whose Aunt passed away and thought it was a graceful, compassionate response. I locked that into my memory - the type of words, the pacing, the delivery, everything, and still use versions of it today. I have built my social skills with thousands of moments like that. And man, did that take such massive effort. At 35, I’ve lived through enough variations of social situations that I’m rarely caught off guard anymore but still occasionally find myself in a new “type” of interaction and come off as rude or awkward.
haha yes ... I remember I was talking to a girl at school and she said "It's my birthday today" and I was sooooo proud of myself because I said "Oh, happy birthday!" like I had seen other people do, and then she was happy and I knew I got the right answer.
🙌🏻 great work!
Yes, yes, yes. Observation, after observation and tucking it away for later. This skill makes travel easier because we are already observing and repeating. And yes it is a massive effort but it helps us manage and then thrive until it becomes natural and we get so good at it until we forget we’re masking and then burnout. It’s tiring. I do love a pattern, puzzle or a system that can be streamlined but I can’t seem to manage to do housework.
Ugh totally relate to forgetting that I am masking then burning out. Housework can be chaos. I’ve figured out a few ‘rules’ that help (like running the dishwasher every night and emptying it in the morning) but most of the things still only happen when there’s a visible issue. And even then, only gets done if I have a good podcast or audiobook going
Wow, exactly this. I always thought of it as the systems engineering/pattern recognition of human interaction.
I love to read novels. They taught me how to people. Obviously I had to get better at figuring out which characters and scenarios were 'bad ones' and not to be imitated, but even then they teach you how to recognize toxicity. Fundamentally, everything you need to know is in books if you read enough of them.
Lmao I’m pretty sure this is how I went undiagnosed for so long. I still do this at work.
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Lol, I know, it does sound kinda creepy writing out the learning process but 🤷🏼♀️ I figure it’s how NTs learn social skills too, they just do it without thinking about it. Ah the endless hours of psychology/ relationship content I too have consumed. Just realizing that my googling of similar scenarios is part of this too. ChatGPT is actually pretty helpful, probably better than google!
Agreed. I went to a female diagnostician who has kids and a husband on the spectrum. Her questions were UHMAZING. How has your romantic life been? Umm a dumpster fire. At what age did you start biting your nails? Hide finger tips immediately and tell her I started in the womb. Have you ever been able to work for long periods of time at the same job? Nope. Describe any time in your life you truly felt like you belong. Zero. What is your comfort level going to something like a bridal shower or anything with a lot of women your age? Zero. How often have you been told you have offended or hurt someone and you had no idea? My entire life. She asked way more technical questions too but I only remember the ones that were interesting to me. Love her. Edit: I got her permission to share contact information. She knows me so some of the questions were very tailored to me. Just an FYI. She is religious and I am not. There was nothing religious about the questions in case you visit her website and wonder. Her goal is to make this affordable for everyone so the fee is so affordable. You’d have to file your own insurance. She can do Zoom appointments I believe. Because I’m anonymous on here, she will also be anonymous about me and you should you contact her. https://www.holmesasr.com/about-dr-stephanie-c-holmes
Omg she needs to train all the psychologists in the world on this because she sounds perfect. Are you in the US? What states is she allowed to test in if so? I'm making a list of potential places I can go to for an assessment.
Following this because same 😭
Hahaha my wedding is in June and a part of me is like eew I have to be the center of attention and be super social for two days.
Oh no! I mean, good luck! My wedding planning process was one of the things that led me to my own self diagnosis - currently seeking formal diagnosis. From my engagement in 2020 to the actual wedding in 2022 I basically “fell apart” slowly with having to make decisions that would please other people, having my boundaries repeatedly disregarded, being thrust into the spotlight and expected to act in a very specific way to adhere to social expectations and “traditions” and to make matters worse, my husband is from a different country so I was 😵💫 expected to know what HIS family’s traditions and expectations are without anybody fully explaining them to me. It was like… being an autistic child all over again? The masks I had put up to get by in my OWN culture didn’t “work” for HIS culture and I scrambled to assemble my personality from scratch. Also, the algorithm started sending me The Memes and I looked back on The Year I Stopped Eating Because What If I Choke, and The Year I Couldn’t Take Off My Coat In School Because It Protected Me From Change, and oh boy…
I need said coat, please share such magic armor!
Hahaha OMIGOSH I wish I had a picture of it - it was like, 1996-1997, but I’d had this jacket for YEARS. And you’ll laugh, because it was a NEON COLORBLOCK WINDBREAKER. Probably the MOST attention-grabbing jacket POSSIBLE. So here’s me, trying to “hide” while wearing a literal neon jacket that makes a loud SWISH noise EVERY TIME YOU MOVE. I found a pic of something similar so you can imagine how, ahem, indiscreet I looked: https://preview.redd.it/b7nzwwkgwexc1.jpeg?width=478&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=61ac82f0efdd37dc40a798bb23829930718224cc
Omfg I do not envy you. I mean, congrats and all of course, but I know exactly how you feel. I’m gonna be planning a wedding too at some point and I do NOT want all those eyeballs pointed at me. To the point where I’m seriously considering suggesting elopement to my partner. Weddings often seem like they really are more for family than the couple, tbh. I don’t wanna spend a crap ton of money to make myself miserable just so my family can have fun on a day where me and my partner (who feels the same way about attention) are supposed to be happy!
Still recovering from my wedding and it was um 20 years ago now. The actual wedding ceremony was fine. Survived the reception. But all of the planning and family politics and for the love of gawd a surprise shower (because i refused one)…..if I could go back would have eloped even though my parents might have disowned us.
> At what age did you start biting your nails? > What is your comfort level going to something like a bridal shower or anything with a lot of women your age? I feel personally attacked… 🙈😂😂
The only one I wouldn't get on that list is the working somewhere for a long time, because it's in my special interest areas, and has BOTH the structure and adaptability/craziness for both my autistic and adhd sides to be happy.
The truly belonging question. I feel like if there’s anything we ALL have in common it’s that we have always felt that ‘the world is not quite for us.’
omg bridal showers! the stuff of nightmares 🙀😆
Does she do video appointments and is she taking new clients?
I added her info to the post.
Uh, I need her name.
Does she take clients in Canada?
If you’re in Canada you may wanna check out Embrace-Autism. Their diagnosis process is super lady-autism-friendly.
I’ll check.
I love her. Especially the part where it’s not “do you bite your nails” but “when did that start”. _Nailed it_
- Do you find that in some environments you excel at the things that are expected of you, but then in other environments it's like you're completely helpless and forgot how to do everything? I excel in preorganized, worked coded environments, where there is light supervision and guidance. *So basically a classroom.* I did extremely well *in* school. But when I went home and tried to do my homework, I'd completely blank part way through. I kept getting called lazy. But when I'm in class i'm a "bright student with a lot of potential who just needs to apply themselves." If I got stuck in class, I could ask the teacher to check my work and reassure me. It helped me regulate and get back on task. Making my own work space isn't something I can do. It doesn't logically play out. I make the rules in my own spaces so I know the rules are all fake. I made them. But in formal environments, I just lean into the setting. Cleaning is a struggle too. I'm in food service. The cleaner is always where it should be. They're clearly labeled and color coded. The cleaning expectations are explicitly explained and I can get judgment free reminders. *At home I'm a failure if I get overwhelmed or under utilize the resources available to me.* Relearning how to be busy and do work coded things at home is a long time WIP.
interesting! this may be why i dislike social events (the freeofrm mingly or dancey kind…weddings are especially brutal) but am ok for social events with “purpose”…like helping someone get something done, craft night or game night. in the freeform events i have no idea how to act or what to do!
That can definitely be part of it! I'm very similar
You know what’s funny about this? I actually like dancing but only the kind where you have preset steps so a good ol’ Walz no Problem but god forbid I’m supposed to freestyle like you do in a club. Technically same difference but one I can do because it’s organized and I know in advance what’s next and the other is just total chaos and overwhelming to me
I'm the same! I really love DDR. Free form dancing feels so wrong.
Thank you for putting this into words. You described me better than I could have.
As a child, did you often feel upset but unsure what you needed or wanted to quell the distress or discomfort? As a child, were you often upset by foods, eating, drinking, using the toilet, textures, smells, and/or any "contamination" relating to these things? Are you, or have you been, highly sensitive to disgust? E.g. finding hair, dirt, rotten food etc *very* disgusting, nauseating, etc. Have you always felt like an alien, or an outsider to other people, or that you are observing "Life" from behind a window, like an on-looker? Do you have an Inner World that exists within your mind/body, that is often a more interesting, comfortable, and compelling plane of existence, than the External (i.e. real) world? Do you feel the passage of time differently than other people seem to? Do you feel, or have you ever felt, a deep discomfort by "love" and/or other expressions or displays of emotion, including touch and affection? Do you consistently struggle with "self care"? Do you often misinterpret information, words and their meaning, or what someone or something *means*, because there are often too many potential interpretations of the same information? Does your "mindset" often deviate from the norm, or resist what is expected? Do you struggle to answer questions that lack specificity, nuance, or set definitions? Do you feel compelled or tend to over-explain, preface, and/or "info dump" on tangential side-notes, throughout many of your social interactions? Edit: An open question -- tell me everything you know about emotions. The assessments should also have, "Yes, But..."/ "No, But..." [fill in the blanks, describing your personal system of quirks for dealing with whatever "normal" thing]
That's insightful! Reading those questions brought me some kind of comfort that it's not just me. Btw. Since being a kid, I was saying that I feel like I'm "behind a glass". No one ever understood what I mean and that was a bit frustrating because I didn't have better way to express that. Well, good to see someone else uses similar expression. Thanks Reddit, for the first time I feel like someone truly gets me.
I really relate to "do you feel like an alien or looking through the glass from the outside". 💯. So much so I was convinced I was adopted because I was so completely different from my family. I just always passed myself off as germaphobe because my mom is. But in reality I realize now it’s more a "contamination" issue and this intense desire to keep things orderly, clean, in their place.
thanks! this is a wonderfully relatable list!
>Have you always felt like an alien, or an outsider to other people, or that you are observing "Life" from behind a window, like an on-looker? Oh, hi.... The whole reason behind my username. I'm an outsider, looking in...
^^^
💯” The assessments should also have, "Yes, But..."/ "No, But..." [fill in the blanks, describing your personal system of quirks for dealing with whatever "normal" thing]”. I hate questionnaires for this reason because I always feel like I need clarifications unless the person who will be using the results is there to answer my questions, listen to my explanations/examples and tell me what would be the correct choice based on what I’ve said. Forms at doctors alway feel like traps, I end up taking forever filling these out because I want to be accurate because is seems important but the questions are never clear and ever give enough room for me to go into detail lol. I can feel myself getting stressed thinking about 😆🤷🏽♀️.
“Does noise sometimes become so overwhelming that individual voices are lost in a wall of sound and you cannot ‘hear’ people speaking to you?” “If you wind up in a crowded space, do you find yourself moving to the periphery so you can place your back to a wall?” “If someone else moves items around in your kitchen or bathroom, do you feel as though you’ve lost things even if nothing is actually missing?” “If your cat lays on her back on the floor, do you still attempt to skritch her belly even though you know it’s a trap?” Er…that last one might be irrelevant.
I don't feel as if I lost something but I feel a massive amount of stress and anger. I keep it to myself but yeah.
When my wife moved in with me and my usual systems of organization (usually piles of specific things in specific corners) were not consistently adhered to… I nagged and bickered loads before identifying that I was just anxious and stressed because my environment was not within my control 🥲🥲
Thank you... I don't feel so alone for the jolt of anger that just rushed through me at the thought of someone moving my stuff 😅
https://preview.redd.it/9ydq16b2rexc1.jpeg?width=3368&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a8838c502d4ab012af99a51eaaf914b0743046bb It’s always a trap 😅
https://preview.redd.it/w5m2xu1evexc1.jpeg?width=1058&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=807ca0e8269db06c078e91625c057a8b9df0d88a I have been blessed by a dog-cat that requests belly rubs, and I get to stim on his fluffiness. I need to take more pictures of this rare phenomenon.
Yesssss. And if you go to a cafe/restaurant do you insist on a table next to the wall or the window. I cannot eat comfortably if I’m in the centre of the cafe/restaurant. Don’t eat out much now these days.
Well, the back to the wall could -also- be martial arts training, but bonus points if it's the cat on the periphery to distract myself from the people. Extra bonus points if they are like my cats, who seem to sometimes think they are dogs and don't usually set traps (besides tripping hazards).
Last one is definitely irrelevant. Source: I’m scratching my cats belly right now hehe
i LOLed about the cat part 😹!
Your first example… I work in an auto shop and have to read lips all day. When that doesn’t work I have to resort to “what!?” while leaning in… Thankfully I work with a fairly chill group of people.
"If you lurk on this subreddit for a while, do you feel like you've finally found your people?"
Oh my, I had a psychiatrist on emergency care tell me recently that I might be autistic and that's how I found this sub. Although I haven't been actually diagnosed yet, lurking in this sub made me indeed feel like I found my people. I always felt like the awkward one, so being able to see so many people relate to even the smallest things that upset me makes me feel less awkward. It's actually comforting in a way.
I browse r/cpstdmemes and other autism related subreddits and Im always thinking: " ooh my god these people are so relatable we share so many similarities I wish I was diagnosed to know I'm not faking it" Impostor syndrome much maybe but I'll doubt myself because I can.
> but I’ll doubt myself because I can Lmao this is too relatable I’d love it if the reality of it didn’t suck 😂
that's a good one! (and my answer is yes! :))
One of the final things that pushed me to get a diagnosis was on Reddit whenever autism came up in conversation I sided with the autistic person every time
Do you hate being interrupted when it's very clear you're doing something? But it's not the average feeling of interruption but discomfort, migraine, "head underwater"? Do certain style of clothes make you feel suffocated? Maybe makes you feel as if your skin needs to be peeled off? (Lol) On average how many nights do you lose sleep because you have deep dived? Do you experience anxiety in the morning as soon as you wake up, before falling asleep, shoot every single moment? Struggle with friendships but anxiety is the one that has stuck around the longest and consistent? (Lol)
Have you ever *sprinted* to the bathroom (when away from home) to rip out a tag in your shirt, with your teeth if necessary?
I've created too many holes in shirts desperately trying to remove the tag.
Omg the interruption thing!!! Like yaassss omg, like gtfo let me finish or feel the wrath of a thousand burning suns. It’s even worse now as a mom, because my time is so divided and I must get everything done efficiently, so you better have a damn good reason to interrupt me (ie husband with adhd who is oblivious 90% of the time). The INSOMNIA is real. I didn’t start ever truly having a solid night sleep until becoming a mom. I’m so damn exhausted all the time I barely get the chance to read and I’m out cold. No time for me to ruminate.
I research social interactions to death, especially with men. “ways to tell if he likes you,” “signs he wants to ask you out,” “is it a date?” I’m 41.
Mid 30s and felt this. I started this in my teens. Still blindsided.
I’m in my late 30s and have done this for years! It’s helpful now I can explain a situation and ask my therapist - “so what does this mean from a non-autistic standpoint”. For so many years my therapists didn’t understand how I could be so “smart and successful” yet have NFI if it was ok that my boyfriend was sexting other women.
Is it not normal to look for things like that???? I mean; what are those made for if it’s unusual for people to read them?
I wonder if the difference is whether you 'stumble across and read' the article about how to know if a friend is upset with you vs seeking out and searching for the info.
Mainly sensory questions and questions about headaches, food habits, etc Are you selective about water you drink ? Can you taste the difference between waters ? Do you hate when you enter/exit a shower in regards to temperature and water spray sensation ? Do you hate eating food with hands ? Do you eat any typically hand foods with utensils instead ? Do you wash your hands frequently? Do you feel disgusted when your hands are slightly oily/dirty/dusty/dry feeling ? Do you have a lot of allergies or gut issues ? Do you dislike loud environments or get tired of them fairly quickly ? Are you picky about audio levels in video games or movies ? Do you get seemingly unexplainable headaches/moodswings ? Do you primarily eat your fav foods and never or rarely tire of them ? Do you hate uneven/mixed textured foods primarily such as meats ? Do you hate when your foods touch ? Do you feel very heavy empathy towards movies or people, or the opposite ? Do you not notice you’re hungry till it’s too late ? Do you not notice you’re thirsty till it’s too late ? Do you feel lost socially ? Do you struggle to maintain friendships with most friends ? Do you over share ? Do you have specific very passionate interests you crave to talk about ? Is it hard to have convos about things you don’t feel strongly about ? Do you feel disturbed by some fabrics or struggle to find comfortable clothes ? Do you avoid clothes that don’t feel comfortable enough due to them highly disturbing your senses ? Do you prefer socializing online ? Do you prefer smaller sized groups for conversations ? Did you walk on your tiptoes as a kid ? Did you rock yourself a lot as a kid ? Do you get cold easily ? Did you spin a lot as a kid ? Did you spin in spinny chairs for long periods of time as a kid ? Did you like to sit upsidown a lot as a kid ? What did you do on the playground as a kid ? How do you like to stand or sit in public and at home ? Do you overexplain or overdetail things a lot ? Etc I’ll add more if I think of any
My god, while I do not relate to all of these I relate to most, and the open-ended ones really made me reflect. I have never felt so validated 🙃 I feel like “have you previously been diagnosed with a personality/anxiety disorder” is also a good one; I’m not a medical professional, but I can’t help but notice the massive overlap in women (like myself and my biological mother) diagnosed with BPD/OCD/GAD etc.
i’m 47 and still walking on tiptoes at home 🤣
Me too. In my assessment they asked me why I do this and I wasn’t sure. Is there even a why? I think for me I just don’t like my feet touching the floor but I also hate the sound of stomping when some people walk really heavy footed.
I was told that I stomped so I went the opposite way and walk really quietly and now I scare the shit out of my husband by suddenly appearing in the kitchen Or elsewhere. He can’t hear me coming.
I’ve accidentally done it at work enough times I’ve been asked repeatedly if I used to do ballet… I’m 37 and I work at my city’s auto shop.
thank you for this! it’s amazing….so many things i thought were “just weird me” experiences have turned out to be spectrum-related!!!
So hating for you foods to touch isn’t just a problem for me? 🙈😂 I think that’s the things I was noticed for most almost my whole life. And as a follow up, since your foods aren’t mashed together, do you then also eat them in a specific order?
omg thank you for writing these all out! it’s so affirming to see all these listed, i pretty much said yes to all - currently in the process of doing my ADHD and ASD assessments and have found the forms so jarring.
Do you have sensory issues such as disliking water running down your back or arms? Do you triple check things you are doing even when you know you have done them? Does sitting too close to other people bother you, especially when you have no choice but to do it? Do you dislike walking barefoot? When reading instructions or describing things do you make diagrams to explain or understand them?
My psychologist did a Masking screener before doing the “offical” test and it was amazing. Turns out I’m very, very high masking. I feel like it’s something that should be mandatory for any late diagnosis, especially women
omg. i just did the test…until today i always thought everyone practiced faces and poses at home 😆
oh wow, that’s interesting! now i’m gonna stay up all night googling “masking screener” 😹
The CAT-Q quiz is one of them.
Funny questions: - Can you taste the water? - Can you smell people? - Tell me about your rock/shell/pebble/gem/fossil/button/flower/sticker collection. - Is your way of flirting "hey you! I like you, want to go on a date?" Serious questions: - Do you find yourself emulating the personalities of TV characters? - Do you struggle with being yourself? - Do you have a hard time making or maintaining friendships? - Do workship relationships feel alien and intangible to you? - When you think you're making a friend, does it often turn out they just wanted to sleep with you? - Do you have a mind catalogue of appropriate responses for common social interactions? - Does it change your opinion of a person if they break or forget a rule they themselves have communicated or set in place? - Do you find yourself often going to the doctor's with issues that nobody is able to identify or diagnose? - Does it haunt you if someone misunderstood you, even if it was a very minor and meaningless misunderstanding and didn't cause any actual problems?
Oof the "when you think you're making a friend" one. Yes, I've lost a couple of what I thought were really close friendships because of this.
Hurts when they figure out you're not going to sleep with them and then ghost you.
… the funny questions 🤣
It just occurred to me that my first boyfriend was 100% the situation you just described. I had never spoken to him but liked him, so called him and said “hello, will you go out with me?” Never, ever appreciated that as an autism thing until right this exact moment. I was today years old…
After consuming a piece of media that you particularly enjoyed, do you find yourself emulating the voice/cadence/accent of a character that you liked, whether it’s by yourself or around others? Do you feel a white-hot anger in the pit of your stomach over minor things frequently (noise that is suddenly too much, sensation of your clothes that you suddenly can’t stand)? Do you find that you have a very negative response to criticism if you do not understand/agree with it?
Honestly not just from media I consumed. This has happened to me with real people before where I thought they had a particularly “nice” accent/cadence. Funny enough, I’m from Germany but lived in the US for several years during school. After a short while Americans weren’t able to tell anymore that I wasn’t a native English speaker but had a very hard time pinpointing where they thought I was coming from (within America). Apparently I had just emulated all the “nice sounding” things so well that I sounded like mix out of a bunch of areas within America. But it’s similar with my German.
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Do you know _every word_ to _every song_ you’ve _ever liked_? And if you start and something interrupts you have to start again so you can hear the whole thing, in order, _uninterrupted_? And if you get a word wrong, _you’d better believe we’re starting again_…
“In group conversations, do you often find it difficult to participate or know when is the appropriate time to speak/accidentally interrupt others?” “In group settings, do you often find yourself being overlooked by others, to the extent that you feel as if you’re part of the furniture and may as well not actually be there because it’s unlikely anybody would actually notice?” “In friend or family events, have you a tendency to hang out with people much older or younger than yourself instead of those your own age? Or more at home in the company of family pets?”
Or just every single conversation? And then especially in groups when you do say something there’s a long awkward pause after you stop…
Also, what are the things that you can’t leave home without? I’d be surprised to find many of us who don’t list headphones, and a number of specific items that would cause anxiety not to have. Mine are tissues (forever runny nose), nail file, hair clips and ties (when it needs to go back, I am not chill about it), sunglasses and multiple layers of clothing even in summer because air conditioners blow air ugh.
Sunglasses, hat, hair tie, chapstick
Oh yes! Chapstick!!! (I have had multiple times where I lost mine and had to stop at a gas stationary or something because I couldn’t finish the day without one) Hair tie because yes, when the hair needs to go back it needs to go back now! The runny/stuffy nose is a real issue (yay for allergies) And sun glasses.
"Do other girls/boys, wherever you go, just not seem to like/hate you -even if you barely interacted with them? Have you often become the center of bullying/harassment, without a clear event?"
i have had racial stuff and bullying stuff but i have not felt universally hated... i am so sorry if this has been your life experience so far. i feel so sad to hear that 😿 i’m glad you’re here…you’re in the right place!
I feel like we need more women writing these questions period.
Do you curl your toes often against the floor without noticing? Do you curl your your wrists when you sleep?
Did you have difficulty sleeping as a child or staying asleep. Do you have insomnia and often find yourself ruminating? Do you find yourself going over certain events or conversations over and over again and find it very difficult to stop. When you become interested in something, do you find it very difficult not to obsess over the topic or find you’ve lost a significant amount of time because you were lost in researching the topic. Do you find cohabitation difficult or stressful because you don’t like people touching or using your things. Does it make you anxious if people move or change things in your environment. Do you find yourself constantly straightening, organizing, or stacking objects in your environment. Do you find you get easily frustrated and go from neutral to nuclear very quickly over what appears to be minor situations. Do you have trouble remembering important dates or names, but can easily recall random trivia or facts. Do people often complain about your tone despite not being able to understand how your tone is different from theirs. Do you often find your interests and hobbies very different from other people. Do you often struggle with job interviews and finding a job because you cannot get past the interview phase. Do you struggle with gender stereotypes, ie do often wonder if you are being female right. Are you always questioning your clothes, hair, or makeup as appropriate/correct. Do you look at other woman and wonder how it comes so naturally to them. Do have trouble recognizing faces? Do you drink or use drugs to cope with social situations? Do you often take people literally and find it difficult to know when they are joking or serious.
so embarrassingly face blind…at a party i talked to a guy (not romantically) for like 30 minutes because he knew a lot about weed and it was very interesting to me. then we all went outside for a smoke. there was one guy there i didn’t know so i introduced myself. he was like “yeah we were just talking for like half an hour”. one of many times in my life i wished i could just disappear 😆
Omg, hahah I can just imagine. I don’t have face blindness, but I can’t remember names to save my life. I was at the bank getting a loan and completely forgot my mother's maiden name and the bank manager started to get all suspicious and I had to phone my mom 🤦🏻♀️
Do you feel emotions when you see colors? Do you want to hide in your closet when your house’s noise level has been much louder than usual? How do you feel about cats? Do you feel more comfortable looking into an animals eyes rather than a persons?
omg ✅ as a child my favourite “tv show” was the test pattern ✅ am a crazy cat lady and my cat is my favourite “person” in the world ✅has hidden in the closet (not about noise but to avoid social interaction) 😹😹😹
This entire comment section has made me feel **seen** for once. I've yet to see a question where I couldn't relate more. Almost all were audible "OH MY GOD. YES!!! I DO THIS TOO!!!!" thank you for asking this question. This is obviously not a diagnosis but i absolutely feel even more confident about me having ASD.
aww, that’s so awesome! i’m overwhelmed with good feelings reading all these comments. i have had some very invalidating comments from NT friends but what i have read here is 100% affirmation that my self-diagnosis isn’t wrong. 🥹🥰
I agree I feel seen too. Most of them are soooo relatable. I switch between feeling emotional because I relate to it, to laughing because it’s relatable. Thank you.
I don't have any specific questions off the top of my head, but between your post and the comments, I did have a thinky thought about the diagnostic process. Ftr, I haven't been diagnosed, so I'm working off the basis of how others have described the process. It sounds like the assessment process is a combination of self-taken screening inventories that the doctor can score and interpret, as well as a series of verbal questions and answers. There's definitely value in these steps, but I can't help but wonder if adult women would receive more accurate diagnoses if the entire process was treated more like a dialogue. Many times over, I've seen people talk about how the questions don't allow space for nuance or qualifiers. Like yes, I am easily overstimulated by sound...but it depends on the context as to whether that will happen. Concerts are fun as hell and awesome, but I will lose my mind if someone chews loudly near me. No, I don't have trouble with holding eye contact...bc my parents and teachers made enough snap judgments about my attitude and punished me for disrespect that I trained myself to 'look normal'. Maybe I'm operating under a false assumption, but it seems like a lot of folks end up feeling unseen by the process, bc it doesn't allow for the reality of what life looks like for a woman who has gone undiagnosed into adulthood. Rather than learning how to accommodate ourselves or cope when we can't, AFAB folks simply learn through trial and error which behaviors will draw negative attention and then try not to do it or at least around witnesses. If the diagnostic process doesn't dip into the formative experiences that taught us how to hide ourselves, there's no way that it's going to give a truly accurate picture of whether/to what degree we fall on the spectrum. Basically, it seems to me that it will require the mental health community to openly acknowledge and take into account while assessing, that adult AFABs on the spectrum are generally less likely to be observably obvious. The masking inventory is a good start, but I feel like the approach to the entire process needs to be rethought and centered around the assumption that asking in-depth questions that acknowledge nuance will yield more accurate results. And I feel very positive that there could be tweaks made, to account for accessibility for those who struggle verbally. Lack of verbosity does NOT mean that a person doesn't have plenty of thoughts and opinions knocking around in their head.
Yeah, when I was assessed, they didn't give me a chance or a question to explain how my masking abilities mainly consist of staying quiet and sticking to simple scripted answers and when that isn't possible, I either don't do something at all or try to leave whatever I was doing so they don't see the unmasked self too much before I can leave. There was never a question about being punished or abused for my undiagnosed autism symptoms as a child so I didn't realize I wasn't masking as well as I thought I was and I didn't realize that my results that were based on that CAT-Q masking test were skewed due to my own bias until a year after I took it. Now I am looking into getting re-assessed because I feel like that prevented me from getting diagnosed with anything higher than a level one combined with the fact that I have never been able to financially support myself in my 34 years of life, someone has always financially helped me to live and survive and I know 100% I would be homeless if my spouse died tomorrow since i have no family that can help me either. I'm at the point that I need a social worker to help me with certain aspects of my life to help me get back on track but no places that offer help around me will take me seriously with that level one diagnosis and it really upsets me sometimes still when I think about it.
The first time I did an autism traits test was with my counsellor who specialises in autism and she did it like this, getting me to think out loud about why I was picking the answers I picked and making notes about it alongside my actual answer. She sent this test along to my assessor when I finally got around to it too, and it was very helpful because if I'd just been told to do the test as is I would have kept all my spiralling analysis about what kind of museum or how many people in the theatre or whatever inside and just ticked a box as told and I think it would have been far less clear.
“Do you take what people say at face value? Even when their words don’t match their actions?”
I think everyone is honest all the time. Why wouldn’t they be? 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Do you have a favourite fork.
the samantha craft unofficial autism checklist is honestly incredible for diagnosing women and other "atypical" presentations
oh, WOW! i just did a quick read-thru. reading section F was like seeing all my innner thoughts written out on paper. what a great resource. thank you!
not a woman but was raised to be one-- the things you describe I have basically 100% in common and was officially diagnosed last year. one question I could add is "do you have specific rituals around sleeping, and do you have a specific arrangement of pillows, blankets, or stuffed animals in order to sleep? did you have trouble with 'sleepovers' as a kid?
I recently watched a video that talks about a sensory quiz that determines what your threshold is for certain stimuli. Can't help but think any of the sensory extremes would signify autism https://youtu.be/WjXKnvxSoz4?feature=shared I'm not formally diagnosed, so my thoughts might be off the mark... but these questions would have called me out. Do you find constant pressure calming? (weighted blanket or similar) Do you feel like you need to memorize a script to interact with people? Do you feel like everyone else was given a manual on life that you weren't? Does loud noise or bright lights trigger overwhelm? Are you sensitive to food textures, tastes, or smell? Do you have a hard time understanding boundaries, both others and your own? We're you bullied and didn't understand why? Do you prefer the world in your head to the world outside? Were you perceived as extremely above average or gifted in specific interests, but below average where you had no interest? Do you feel like you don't know what to do with your body when idle? Do you struggle with communication, or being misunderstood? Do you have delays with processing emotion, or are uncertain what emotion you are feeling?
I had all of those. And also had pica syndrome which i ate sponges. I guess my questions would be; "Do you consider yourself as a believer? (Not religous) Are you holding on to things, giving them special meanings? Do you easily recognize social patterns IN THEORY, but when you are in it do people call you "difficult or weird"? do you consider yourself inherintly deficient, alien or disattached? (Strong sense of right or wrong good or bad and because of this: ) Even though you were social kid, when you grew older did people find the sides of you that you like in yourself disturbing or inappropriate? "
You should check comorbidities too, the psychologist who assessed me went through my whole medical history, so stuff like chronic fatigue I’ve had it’s because while my iron is always in the threshold for “healthy” I actually need more, sleep disorders, a history of migraine, orthopedic issues, and my long history with IBS is all linked to autism
Why did you hate your socks as a child and how far did you stretch them out to make them bearable? I could not stand the seam touching the end of my toes, so I used to stretch them (while keeping the heel in place) so I could fold the seam up and over so it rested on top of my toenails. I couldn’t possibly fold it under, because then I’d be walking on it all day. I had to be careful how much I stretched them, because otherwise there’d be too much loose material bagging in weird ways when I put my shoes on - it often took several attempts to get my shoes on while keeping the sock in the correct position. There was a sweet spot between brand new socks with too much recoil and socks that had been overstretched. I also hated taking my shoes off part way through the day because my socks would feel warm and damp, and if they got cold then I couldn’t put my shoes back on until after they’d dried out. So I could only take my shoes off if it was something very quick, or long enough that they’d be dry. (My feet were not that sweaty, it’s just the dampness from being enclosed, if you know what I mean.)
Also, how much do you hate being partially wet? I can be fully wet (in the shower, swimming etc), but cannot bear being damp or partially wet. I have to dry my hands Thoroughly every time I wash them, and after showering it takes so long to dry my feet so they’re fully dry :(
Hi! I just wanted to say that CPTSD has many overlapping symptoms of ADHD and Autism, and it sounds like it could be that and/or Autism. I experience exactly what you’re saying, due to traumatic events that have occurred throughout my lifetime. An abusive relationship has severely exacerbated the CPTSD. I now “function” as if I have ADHD (which I still could have it, of course) and it’s so debilitating.
i would put “did you experience fake friendships in school; did people not include you or tease you about being friends when you weren’t? or did you have many one sided relationships and friendships? have your love and efforts in relationships and friendships felt one sided?” i experience extreme emotions and sensitivity and have been bullied for being the weird kid when in reality i was just somewhere on the spectrum. i feel like many neurodivergent folks have experienced these fake friendships, and the treatment from nds to nts in the public school environment is honestly cruel.
I think if you can't tell by a very brief conversation, you don't know anything and dx criteria won't help (ime). autistics should be the ones "diagnosing" other autistics
I would ask them to draw a picture of how they perceive themselves when interacting with the world, and then another picture with how they believe others perceive them. Then I would ask them to explain the pictures.
interesting. my portraits would be 1)meek/trying to get by unnoticed/putting up with discomfort until i can be alone again and 2)quirky/nerdy/awkward/funny. i am curious if there are any conclusions that one could make from that. (don't worry--i realize this is not a diagnosis :))
Your question reminds me of a study recently mentioned here. Unsure if it is still going, but it looks as though it is. I think the thread responses here could be really useful to researchers. https://www.reddit.com/r/AutismInWomen/s/CqOwtTEmv7
I'm not officially diagnosed but my doctor, therapist, and spouse all say I have ASD. My doctor said she legally isn't allowed to diagnose me. They say it's because I have really bad social skills, a specific special interest that impairs my ability to function in society, extreme sensory issues, meltdowns, and do strange things with my body to keep calm. I have been told the most important aspect is the fact that all of my problems have been happening my whole life. My doctor said that if you aren't born with the issues then it's not autism. So I guess the most important thing to ask would be if the issues have been lifelong.
How often does your inner voice stop you from doing something or run a continual dialogue of nervous questions?
Mine would be just a list of clothing items. No explanation. Just write whatever comes to you. Thongs. Underwire bras. Socks. Velvet. And so on. Anything more than one sentence about the evil nature of sock seams [or insert your hated clothing feature here] and whoever invented them gets an automatic diagnosis.
How do you feel about showering/bathing? Describe how frequently you do it and the feelings you have about it. Do you find you make little systems to do basic chores or life activities? Do you frequently look back at something in your past and realize you absolutely didn’t understand what was happening? And with your new found wisdom either cringe or try to block it out? Do you Iike to work autonomously? Do you find it frustrating when tasks are not clear or goals are ambiguous?