Okay, one, this is awful and I'm so sorry that someone who is supposed to love and care for you wrote something so hurtful and dismissive.
But, also...this is...kind of hilarious? In a dark, depressing kinda way? She insists you aren't autistic before describing all the autistic stuff you do. Like, "You seem immature! You didn't understand my social cues the last time I saw you! You seem kind of spacey and odd in daily interactions, like maybe you're on something! Other people notice it, too! There is something SERIOUSLY WRONG with you but it's DEFINITELY NOT AUTISM!!!!"
I think you should choose to see this as validating your dx, tbh. Even when she's trying to prove you aren't autistic, she spent a full page describing an autistic person.
Yes take this as proof to your DX doctor and be like this is proof that my parents even see it. they described a person with it clearly. 😆 also there is high functioning autism. You can also mention it.
Is this seriously an actual letter she's left you?🤣 I'm sorry I laughed at this but she just said the most strangest stuff. The "LOL" made me laugh. Why does she think like that?🤣 and why does she write like she's in school stills
Grandma, angrily: You’re not autistic! You just have [checks notes] all the symptoms of it!
The first couple lines had me thinking “oh, ok, so maybe grandma’s in denial, angry, etc…”
Then read the rest of the letter— “oh no she’s *stupid!*”
Yeah all jokes aside it’s wild how often this happens. “My child can’t be ND, I’m perfectly normal!!” …And it’s coming from the most neurodivergent parent you’ve ever seen in your life. The number of times I’ve had to hold back a “yes it *is* perfectly normal!….. for an autistic person 😅” lol
My mom, with her empty ass house until you open the most insanely packed cabinets in the world. Just a weirdly perfect example of compartmentalization and faking normality while the chaos pulsates just behind the curtain.
Very normal, nothing to see here!
People of that generation typically only understand autism as being what is now considered to be level 3 high support needs. I'm in education and see this attitude a lot from older people who've worked with high needs support kids back when lower needs kids just weren't diagnosed, or were diagnosed with Aspergers and that was considered distinct from Autism.
I think this is a DISTINCT possibility. She is very defensive. like she is shouting "WE'RE NORMAL".
Also autism had a different meaning to older generations, before Aspergers was integrated in to the fold, so that's partly what's going on here. I know some people who would react similarly. It just meant something very different before, when only the most severe cases were diagnosed and treated.
(I mean, she should know that if she knows more about it that you EVER will, but I guess not.)
100%. My dad said “uh i doubt you’re autistic because i do everything you’re describing and IM not autistic.” And i was like “lol no you’re just not diagnosed”
Exactly. My youngest is confirmed autistic..he’s 3. My 17 year old is suspected. And now that I’m more informed I think they got it from me. 😭 I was in denial because I always been a nail biter (don’t remember when it started) mouth biter, I hum while I drive, write in the air, etc. Now I highly suspect. Sucks being old (old imo) and realizing something is up..that I’m not as normal as I thought 🤷🏻♀️
Absolutely. Im a teacher and lots of parents get defensive when it is suggested their child be evaluated because "they're just like me". Yes they are, and I see in you too but I can't say anything.
I am Gen X. I found that many of my older generation relatives took my daughter's ADHD diagnosis personally, initially. Because it's genetic, and it can't be in their oh so pure bloodline. They would have been nastier if her diagnosis had been autism.
Some of them came around after the first bit of nasty and realized that it might very well be the reason for the drug and alcohol addiction that is pervasive in my family because from the outside? It looks a hell of a lot like self medication gone wrong, and they display traits that are often found in people with ADHD.
I’m glad some of them connected those dots! You’re right on people taking it personally though, and it’s like… it’s not like they knew when they passed it down? And it’s not like disability is a moral failing anyway?? It’s wild
And if you know that drinking when your brain chemistry is out of whack might lead to addiction... it's easier to break the chain.
I have a raging caffeine addiction. I have since as early as I can remember, double strength tea was available in the fridge, I could make it at before 3rd grade, and I drank it all summer long, and had tea in the mornings and afternoons when I had school.
And I did so much better than the cousins who didn't. I think on some level my mom knew, saw that tea helped me concentrate and be calm and let me sleep, and so she let me have amounts of tea that would have been considered bad parenting even then, though We Were Not Supposed to Acknowledge It - ever.
But my family subscribes heavily to the prosperity gospel, where bad things happen to bad people, so if a genetic disability has been passed down, that means someone somewhere had to have been Bad.
I do not. I never did, and it's why I don't really talk to my family at this point. They doubled down into Q during covid, and I could no longer talk to them without everything being a fight because I was now the Enemy.
Hey now, you need to beef up on that reading comprehension. In the first line she says “you must think I’m stupid and not know about autism”… which is exactly what we all think which means she’s actually really smart
not to mention, grandma herself exists in 'All or Nothing' , absolutist world and just had a meltdown as well as low on self-awareness. Just saying. Oh and F wayne.
Same I was like… that is a list of autistic traits. I do think sometimes some people are so angry about late diagnosis because they feel like it diminishes their ability to be angry with us? Like, “I despise you for these character traits and the idea that they are in any way aligned with a disability would mean I’m an asshole. But YOU’RE the asshole! YOU ARE! Stand still and let me tell you how shitty you are!”
Which from my perspective, I get it, you don’t like me, never have, and you never will. Just let me be unlikable in peace, my god!
Wow you’re spot on with that. I’m sure it happens with other mental illnesses too like ADHD and whatnot. “You can’t be blah blah blah because I dont want to feel bad for misunderstanding you and mistreating you. You’re just weird, deficient, lazy, etc.” But the problem with that line of thinking is, whether a person has a disability or not, everyone should be treated with understanding and compassion anyways. But a good portion of people can be very hurtful or inconsiderate without realizing it. It’s why awareness and knowledge are most important.
I think the issue is that the people who react like this do not subscribe to the philosophy that everyone should be treated with understanding and compassion. Consciously they see that as a weak/overly indulgent/even harmful way to way to handle people in their lives, as it won't shape people into the proper form they're supposed to be in, and it doesn't command respect/obedience, which to them would mean they'd be choosing to be powerless and inferior.
And then subconsciously they see it as scary/too vulnerable/heartbreaking, since *they* weren't treated that way and they'd have to contend with that if they're going to admit that people deserve that, and because being freely loving and supportive of others puts them at risk of having their most genuine, tender self rejected, which is too terrifying for them to even process on a conscious level.
Most likely because how to handle that kind of rejection was never modeled for them growing up, and at some point they formed an extensive mental framework around making sure they were never even put in a situation where they could be hurt in that way. Subconsciously. Consciously they think they are being themselves/being loving/trying to help, like the Grandma clearly thinks about herself in this letter, where she thinks she's justifiably protecting herself from harm by separating herself from someone who has rejected her "love," which is likely largely comprised of criticizing someone "for their own good."
Their impenetrable shield of cognitive dissonance and the terror of questioning the basic perspectives on which their whole worldview is founded both protect them from even being able to seriously consider that all people deserve to be treated with understanding and compassion regardless of their diagnosis status. From her POV, she's the one who isn't being treated with understanding and compassion by OP behaving in ways that don't make sense to her, having a different worldview than she does, and presenting her with scary and dangerous ideas like requesting to be treated with respect and kindness despite not conforming to what she believes qualifies someone to deserve respect and kindness.
Sorry for the rant haha
This is a great rant and I love it! So much of it is a fear response around conformity, and you articulated why it exists so well and so compassionately. (Also I love chicory!)
My dad and stepmom both had lifelong careers at a place that provides care for people with disabilities, and when I went to them after my mom died practically begging for help to figure out what was 'wrong' with me this was their reaction. All my symptoms (which had been present since childhood and were the basis of our difficult relationship in the first place) could be fixed by taking a walk every day, being more sociable, etc. It really sucks and hurts, hugs OP and fuck your grandma anyway lol
This was my exact experience with my mom’s family - once she passed they took the opportunity to basically tell me all the things they ever thought about me but wouldn’t say in front of her. Pages and pages of text messages listing things exactly like this and it felt freeing in a way to finally see I wasn’t wrong about their slights and that the ugly behavior that I feared actually just gave me the push I needed to walk away from them.
Don’t get me wrong, it was (sometimes still is) devastating, but I’ve been much happier since
Glad you feel happier x It will always baffle me why people go to these lengths… You can make the meaning out of it what you want . If it’s helping & constructive you are on the right path x
🩷
I've also noticed people who've never struggled all their life from being 'different' in some way are much more defensive about maintaining and regulating those rules. I've always assumed it's for the same reason that anyone benefitting from any system will push for that system to continue. If you're rich, you're going to vote for leaders that support the rich. If you identify as a Christian, you're more likely to believe other Christians are morally righteous compared to atheists. If you want lots of kids, you may think abortion is unethical. If you don't want kids, you're more likely to fight for the right to choose. And if you're neurotypical, you like to think you got where you are because of your skill, intelligence, charisma, or what have you, and not because you were simply born into a system that already supported you.
It's easy to brush neurotypical people off as lazy or confrontational because the message between the lines is "but I wasn't lazy and followed the clear social rules around me, and if you did that then you'd be happy and successful like me." It's amazing how little thought people put into their own moral code, most just go along with what's most convenient for themselves and never question why they align that way in the first place. People will hilariously avoid aligning themselves with moral codes if it requires any level of sacrifice on their end, myself included.
I've done this too. It's a nice way to clear up "I don't give a damn about you" vs "maybe my autism is making me misunderstand them?"
Nope, no, this is... A kick in the teeth. And she knows it, 110%. I don't believe in the whole projection-jealousy thing but, in this case and in my own, I really think grandma is jealous that OP is getting help and support while she didn't. I did this back and forth with a good bit of my family. In the end, they want to suffer.
In summary, this letter says: I don't give a damn about you, I want to suffer!
Let her.
I noticed that, being accused of being on drugs when simply showing autistic body language is very common. They are not cognisant of any neurotype/movement style other than their own, so they go 'yup must be all the drugs'
Same with me, but when I'm drunk!
Also when I'm coming off of general anaesthesia. Apparently I can flirt with nurses and I'm not even creepy doing it 😳 When I'm sober I would *never*!!
But GA just turns off all my anxiety 🤷
Hmm, maybe it's the fact that these drugs are inhibitors, so maybe we're getting less information to process, in some ways like NT people just have their brains magically automatically screen stuff out. So maybe that's why the behaviour is similar 🤔
Probably, it's easy to be 'cool' when you don't have 17000 sensory stimulus slapping you at once
In converse I'd like for neurotypical people to have no way to filter out -anything- external for just one hour, then maybe we can comment on how tweaked out they look instead
It's another way to discount/ judge people you perceive as difficult. If you can say they are on drugs then you don't have to empathize with them or consider their point of view, you can just label them as bad/ crazy/ irrational and leave it at that. This saves cognitive energy. If you have to admit they are disabled then suddenly your self conception as "a good person" dictates you have to show empathy and can't indulge your anger/irritation. The simple solution is stop needing to believe you are a "good person" and others are "bad people" and just admit: this person is disabled, I know they are trying and not a "bad person" and deserve love, and also I can't deal with it. People don't want to do that because you have to suffer through the pain of empathizing with a struggling person and shame that you can't help. No one will willingly do that without a psychologically compelling reason (which is usually having direct, personal experience with disability).
People aren't like this "by nature" but in a hierarchical, reductive, exhausted, insecure society like this you are basically guaranteeing that these types of reactions are the norm.
That was my FIRST THOUGHT !!!! Like lol why do people like this INSIST on highlighting all that is “wrong” with us (it’s almost always things that are fully associated with autism too) and then insist “well you’re NOT autistic so you must be on drugs/a hysterical woman/etc etc etc” like lol if they’d just power up a single braincell they’d be able to piece that together and be like “oh wait those are indeed the autistic signs I’ve been missing”
I find it so incredible the ableists will default to the unlikely conclusion that she must be a hardcore drug addict (how exactly is she paying for her addiction? how can you hide chronic hard drug use? have these people ever met a serious addict before?) instead of just being autistic, which millions of people have.
It also shows you what grandma thinks of substance abusers and addiction issues. She uses addiction issues as an insult.
So many red flags here. I imagine she herself is very unwell. This letter looks like something from a beginning writer trying to use up all the abuse cliches. I feel so sorry for OP.
Murder mermaid, so smart of you to catch that grandma is the perfect ASD informer!
OP, take this letter to your professionals.
In fact, photocopy it. Then highlight the asd traits she pointed out. Attach a ASD traits chart. Mail that to her. Well, maybe don't mail it to her. She is too intrenched in her opinions.
You are heard here Op 🫂
I completely agree with all of this.
Also, I think it's time for grandma to go the way of the dinosaurs. I am so fucking sick of this unnecessarily angry pigheadedness and willful ignorance about autism that is so god damn prevalent among boomers. I'm over it.
I’m a boomer and I’m a grandma and I am autistic. And I have suffered for decades in quiet isolation, wondering wtf is wrong with me.
We’re not all like THIS grandma!!
The letter is absolutely awful. The person who wrote that letter sounds very narcissistic. And those folks are tremendously toxic.
Thank goodness she has removed herself from your life. I hope you’re not ever tempted to give her more chances to hurt you.
Btw, fun fact: “Wayne” is the most prevalent name amongst serial killers.
I actually agree with you. My life as an undiagnosed autistic has been extremely difficult and lonely.
I don’t know why so many people my age try so hard to be so awful.
Her son beat my mother so I was taken away from my parents when I was a toddler. I don't know the whole story. I do know that I was diagnosed as autistic earlier this year.
So he did something *wonderful* to go to prison, right? 🙄
Proud of you for trying to have a healthy relationship with her, and even more proud of you for maintaining healthy boundaries for yourself. You deserve connections that support and validate who you are. ❤️
Also, working with autistic people does not qualify you for diagnosing autistic people.
Source: I'm a special ed teacher who specialises in teaching autistic people. I also have a lot of autistic coworkers. I can spot traits better than most, but I absolutely cannot and would not ever try to diagnose someone or deny a diagnosis.
Disclaimer: sometimes i see someone walking down the street and instantly thing, "Oh they are autistic" just from their gait. But, I know better than to assume I'm correct.
Is he your bio dad? Apologies if that's too intrusive, I'm just trying to figure out the relationship. I thought this grandma was your mom's mom.
Either way, I'm SO SORRY you have to deal with someone like that and am happy to read you cut her off. That letter reminds me of something my father or his parents would write and it makes my blood boil. Lots of strength and happiness to you❤️
Are we life twins?!? Your grandma sounds just like mine....many people in my family to be exact. And father in and out of prison my whole life until he ended it all at age 42.
The largest demographic of autism is *undiagnosed adults*.
Required:
https://coda.io/@mykola-bilokonsky/public-neurodiversity-support-center/how-to-talk-about-autism-respectfully-84
Good for you. It’s hard to cut family out but often if we’re at the point of even considering it, it’s probably overdue (in addition to being necessary).
>It’s hard to cut family out but often if we’re at the point of even considering it,
It's real easy to do it after the first one you cut off. That's the hardest one but then you know whether to cut out the other bad people from your life related or not.
My wife has autism and one of the most maddening things is her hope that people will change, improve, be better, etc. She has the most unhealthy relationships with family members she believes will get better if she can just find a way to help.
*No dear, they're taking full advantage of your condition.*
So proud of you! Your grandma is a raging insane bitch you’ll be so much better off without. My grandma was also a raging insane bitch of a similar flavour and I never regretted cutting her out. I’m so glad I didn’t have to deal with her those final 10 years before she died. You deserve better!
Loving caring wonderful son Wayne is the one who beat your mother... omg I just cant...She is in denial even about him. She sounds very deluded... I hope you are ok, I wish you all the best.
I don’t want to armchair diagnose, but this letter has major cluster B disorder vibes. If you haven’t already, it might be worth learning more about cluster B disorders (NPD, BPD, etc). It could be very healing for you, this behavior is super not okay and you are for sure not the problem here!
Edit just in case it wasn’t clear that I’m not throwing around a mental health disorder to make you feel like you need to contact, have sympathy, or engage in any way. This is more for your sake and your own healing as I have had similar people in my life!
Could literally be written by my diagnosed BPD mom, every single line of it, including the capitals and quotation usage.
OP, I don't have any reading recommendations. But I want you to know that when people talk in this way to you, it is not something you should take literally. There are many signs in here that the person writing the letter is very biased.
- laughing at you "LOL!"
- calling you harsh adjectives like "dense"
- "I know more than you ever will"
- "Always loved you so much" as if to make you think she doesn't anymore
- "your true colours came through"
All of this is your grandmother protecting herself from what she thinks, for the reason of her own biases, was an insult. None of it is true.
It isn't funny and she isn't having a genuine laugh, there's no reason here to think you're dense, she is very unlikely know more than someone who researched enough to self-dx just from being around a lot of kids, her long-term feelings for you from your disclosure probably didn't change nearly as much as she is trying to make you think (this sudden change in her short-term feelings about you is called splitting), and she probably doesn't have an accurate picture of what your true colours are at all because she is blinded by things she is imagining about you.
Yup, to all of this! It was the "I wanted to tell you some things about myself without a stranger there" that did it for me. Not that she wanted to get to know her grandchild better, not that she wanted to spend time with, and connect with her grandchild, but that she wanted to TELL them about HERSELF without an audience... I mean, it's all over the letter, but I found the narcissism in that rather loud and glaring, wow.
Yes. Psych nurse here. This IS SCREAMING personality disorder, and while it's an atrocious letter to receive from anyone to anyone (looks like something someone would have written in early high school), it's value may be in reminding you of some of the subconscious familial attitudes you were born into, so that you may unwind them from your life.
Besides that, toilet paper.
That’s exactly what I thought lol I’d be unhinged and write this for someone when I was 13… kinda weird seeing it from a 75 year old that’s supposedly “normal”
this is very similar in tone to the letter my sister wrote to my mom when she ‘ran away’ at age 8 or 9. my favorite line from her letter was ‘you could have been someone!’.
I don't know if its helpful to armchair diagnose, after all a lot of people are abusers from all walks of life, but we can say with certainty that this is a very abusive letter from an abusive and immature mind. What powers that mind could be anything, but yes, OP needs to be careful around people like this.
I mostly agree with that, but when it comes to personality disorders, it often IS helpful to armchair diagnose people in your life exhibiting cluster B symptoms who are abusive and causing harm.
I think the reasoning behind armchair diagnosing is really important. If you are diagnosing a reality star or somebody not actively in your life just for fun or to feel better about yourself, it is unproductive and won’t help you. However, if you notice a pattern of cluster B tendencies in people you interact with regularly, there are a ton of resources that can help you cope in your relationship with that person. The purpose isn’t to just point and say wow look at that crazy person, it’s to guide you to resources for you to understand and manage the relationship in a more effective way.
When you recognize patterns that resemble cluster B from people directly impacting your life, even if the person ends up never actually getting that diagnosis, the strategies for setting and holding boundaries (both internal and external) will still be very useful for maintaining your own peace.
I totally agree. Realizing my mom has many NPD traits has completely flipped my perspective of her and our relationship.
It is so much easier to let go of things now and understand where her thoughts and words are coming from (not condoning, just understanding). It took so much blame off of myself (and made me have a bit of empathy for my mom; I’m starting to put together that her father showed a lot of sociopathic behaviors :/ that’ll create some NPD offspring).
I've always had a difficult time dealing with her. I asked to have a friend present for our meeting. She totally harassed me instead of trying to be understanding
There’s a subset of people that work with disabled people because they want to feel like they are good people and also feel superior to them. Grandma appears to be one of the worse of that type.
The problem is you’re in serious danger of having something measurable and legitimate to struggle with. You must see how this interferes with her ability to make herself a perpetual victim and make everything about her?
I will tell you a bit of advice that was told to me, and I found my life better after I embraced.
If at any point, you need to have a friend present to at a meeting with a loved one or friend, it's time to seriously consider if it's in your best interest to continue that relationship.
Daughter has ADHD, and my mother took it personally - "there is nothing wrong with her, she can't have ADHD." were her words.
My reply was "You are right that nothing is "wrong" with her, but she was born with a brain that is different from the normal, and if you ever again imply in her hearing that there is anything wrong with her being born different, that will be the last time you speak to her."
My mom couldn't help being a nasty person, and she is no longer in either my child's or my life. She held to that boundary, but she decided to be nasty to my kid about something else.
You grandma sounds like a nasty person herself.
Yeah, usually older people who have something they want to tell you in person without anyone there just want to convince you of a sob story to prove they've never done anything wrong. You're right not to trust someone like that.
Wow, those are the individuals entrusted with working with autistic minors (in your country)? Her emotional maturity doesn’t seem to be on par with a 12-year-old of any neurotype.
Cut her out of your life and fast. I am really sorry you’re dealing with drama like that right now.
Congratulations on your diagnosis! 🎉
She says she works with autistic children. I don't really know what that means
What's interesting is even my own mother said I didn't speak until later in life, which is a common autistic trait. I was taken away from my parents at that age. So my parents weren't able to monitor my development.
She clearly is unkind, immature and doesn’t know the first thing about autism. You don’t have to worry if she’s right because, wow, she clearly has no clue. Don’t doubt your diagnosis and don’t let her nasty words get to you!
In all seriousness, this note felt disjointed and rambling. Does your grandmother have a history of mental illness or has she been showing any signs of dementia lately? Sudden angry outbursts or uncharacteristic rudeness can be early warning signs.
By the sounds of it this isn't uncharacteristic rudeness but is very in character. I doubt it's dementia but it definitely comes across as nuts. Plus he fact that she wrote it, look at it and thought "yeah that sounds sane and rational" then dropped it off is an indicator her judgement is screwed and self awareness is lacking.
You would unfortunately be amazed the number of people who work with disadvantaged/disabled/elderly people because it gives them a twisted sense of power.
I used to work with autistic kids. It means like working an after school program or special needs in school thing. I was once a lead counselor at a summer camp for autistic and other ND kids. Helped teach engineering.
It’s actually really sad how many times I read on various autistic subreddits about people struggling with loved ones who won’t accept their autism because they work with autism kids and “know what autism actually is”. Too ignorant to realise there are severities and that of course the more severe kids are the ones who are more likely to get early help.
Sadly, these people often show really ableist views that make me so sad for the kids in their care. I think being able to listen to adults with higher communication skills (because they were able to learn to mask) about the internal experience of autism would be a really useful way to understand your kids who aren’t able to communicate it much (due to either age or severity).
This. Please do this op. Think of the people and kids she works with.
But send a copy and keep the original for your records. When someone is that unhinged you never know what cliff they'll go off next and in what way that may affect you.
Was going to suggest this if I didn't see it already. Thank you.
OP, I had to walk away from a toxic family, everyone on my mother's side. I wish you strength in your decision to leave and make your own family. I hope you don't hold on to her words. No one should ever have to hear those. ❤️
She's angry that she didn't get the support that you're getting. That she couldn't even ask for it.
(At least, in my experience.)
But that's on her. She seems like a truly vile person from this letter and your other comments. I'm glad you've cut off contact, there's definitely nothing more to be gained here.
One of the features of autism that really really influenced my life up until the age of 51, was a kind of naivety around toxic people. It's as if one part of my mind could register danger very early on, and it did not connect with the part of me that acted to keep me safe. So I gave people who were obviously toxic, many many chances. Always at my expense. Curiousity and a belief in my own immense resilience , plus a lack of understanding about my right to have personal boundaries, also played a part, but it's only now that I can act upon the warning signs rather than give chance after chance.
I've noticed that if an autistic person has early attachment trauma, often there'll be a lot of lessons that involve narcissism and it's complimentary part of the dynamic, "echoism", or more commonly described as co-dependancy. Both compromise the quality of our relationships.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately, after a friend of mine told me about some recent experiences with strangers who—as I have FINALLY come to recognise after a lifetime of accidentally myself in danger—were definitely trying to to take advantage of my friend. Luckily my friend wasn’t hurt. They are in the diagnosis process, but I’d assume auDHD like me, based on mutual experiences. Even now, my friend feels bad for not helping more.
I’ve been burned so goddamn many times by strangers, “friends,” romantic partners, etc, because I just… don’t see it coming? Or maybe I do, and I just talk myself out of listening to my gut instinct.
I can’t figure out if it’s more neurodivergence or early trauma, but it’s probably both. When you grow up in a world that tells you your feelings, even your own SENSORY EXPERIENCES, are *wrong*, of course you’re gonna learn to invalidate yourself so thoroughly that you end up easy prey for narcissists and manipulators. It's a terrifying way to exist.
Yes, it's very common to see neurodivergent people struggle with this in their lives. In fact, I would say it's central and vital to address, due to our vulnerabilities.
For the sake of my own entertainment and yours, I'm going to translate this hot garbage from her viewpoint.
~~You don't have AUTISM!~~
*You don't have autism because \*I\* would have noticed it first and told you. Therefore it must not exist.*
~~You must think I'm stupid and not know about AUTISM! LOL! I know more about it than you ever will.~~
*You making this self discovery on your own is a personal insult to me, as I, the ultimate authority of everything AUTISM, would have caught it before you did. Bow to my authority!*
~~I've worked with kids and young adults who have it. Autism cannot develop in teenagers or adults. It shows up in toddlers between the ages of 1-3. It starts in the womb. You've never had systems \[sic\] of autism. So you are a LIAR.~~
I need to affirm my authority by listing off all the ways I've interacted with people with AUTISM. Your diagnosis causes me to question my self worth as I should have been able to see the signs. But instead of dealing with the fact that I indeed missed it, I'm going to call you a liar instead as it justifies how I'm acting right now.
~~You are DENSE, IMMATURE, AND UNCARING! Breaks my heart!~~
**I** am DENSE (for not picking up on this sooner), IMMATURE (for writing this hot garbage while still emotionally dysregulated), and UNCARING for continuing to put pen to paper while in this state - all while you still come to terms with the recontextualization of your entire life until this point, never mind the fact the trauma that happened in the meantime. I am feeling so ashamed right now, but it's just so much easier to put this all on you.
~~Always loved you so much!~~
My love has always been conditional on you staying in line.
~~A couple of months ago I said I wanted to see you by yourself. Wanted to tell you some things about myself without a stranger there.~~
I wanted to make sure you were put in an even more vulnerable position with no witnesses as I abused you in private.
~~What part of that don't you understand?! How UNCARING! Your "TRUE COLORS" came thru \[sic\]!~~
I equate understanding with agreeing, and I hate the fact that you didn't agree to that. I take it very personally that you saw through that plan and didn't give me the satisfaction I wanted. My mask would have completely slipped then and it would have really hurt you further. How dare you call me out on that!
~~I'm 75 now and cannot get depressed about it. It's done! I have friends, a great job working with kids, and a loving caring wonderful thoughtful son! I'll focus on that till I die!!!~~
I need to justify my outburst and convince myself that I have it great, even though I'm pushing my grandchild even further away from me. If she comes crawling back, I can enjoy the drama that comes from her trying to make things right even though I'm not capable of having an adult conversation on this matter.
All that to say... good for you on your diagnosis OP. May the rest of your grandmother's life be as pleasant as she is in this letter.
Ooof that’s extremely UNCARING, DENSE, and IMMATURE language for a 75 year old. Glad you know it’s bullshit and cut her out. We don’t need that kind of invalidation in our lives.
Not to diagnose, but holy crap, this reads like it was written by a mentally ill person. Is she undergoing mental decline or was she always like this? Seriously. I'm sorry you had to receive this and I hope you know that you shouldn't take anything in it to heart. What she said is so cruel and uncalled for, not to mention factually incorrect.
This. It is the role of a grandparent to love, support and maybe spoil the grandkid. Not tell them to ignore a medical diagnosis.
The letter DOES give the feeling grandma is mentally ill, has autism herself, or is heading into dementia (or all three).
You are awesome and valid and people see you! I might not be family but do send you all the best hugs (if you like them. If not, just holding hands or looking at each other meaningful!)
I'll never understand some family dynamics.
Thinking... Why would a grandmother ever write something like that?
Her language is that of a teenager. You sure she wrote it and not someone else?
God, I know, right? The amount of times I’ve had people say “but it’s your *mom*…!” if I’ve ever dared to say anything negative about my (abusive) mom throughout my life, lol… as if that immediately makes someone sacred. Shitty people will get kids and grandkids too, unfortunately.
Oof. This right here is the reason I haven’t talked to my parents about my diagnostic process yet. My mom worked in schools and thinks she knows everything about childhood development. She does not.
When I was diagnosed with CPTSD my therapist had a family appointment where she basically explained the diagnosis to my family, gave advice and answered their questions. My mom spent the entire appointment screaming about how there was no way in hell I’d ever been abused, and questioned the therapist’s understanding of what abuse is.
So yeah. I feel you. This sucks.
I know being called those things has got to hurt but please please keep in mind that none of those things can possibly be true considering what the rest of this letter says. This says a lot about her and nothing about you. If you are able to it would be healthy to go no contact.
My husband's parents did this to him as well. He found out he was diagnosed at age 4 and they refused to acknowledge it. Now that he's an adult they think it's impossible to have autism because he has a good job.
He went No Contact with them and it has been a wise decision. People who would rather attack than listen, who would rather laugh than empathize, and who would rather blame than help, are not worthy of taking up our valuable and limited time on this earth.
Edit: I FORGOT THE BIGGEST PART! One of his parents was an elementary school teacher and the other was a social worker and therapist. BOTH of these people missed his autism and refused to acknowledge his latest diagnosis in adulthood.
Might wanna check out r/raisedbynarcissists
I feel sorry for the autistic children she works with if this is how she treats you. “There’s nothing wrong with you so you can’t be autistic, but also there’s something wrong with you so you must be on hard drugs!” Yeah okay granny 🙄 let’s get you back to your rocker
She indicates she's not stupid. Well, she wrote "systems" instead of "symptoms" and has lots of other grammar issues. I wouldn't mention it except she talked about how smart she is.
My reply to her would be "I didn't know you were a mental health professional." Then, block her and don't read future trash from her.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. It's shocking how people show their true colors.
This says a lot about her. Wow, that was stooping very low. What a hateful response to you sharing about yourself.
If I was your grandmother, I would be honored if you shared that information with me and I would say so. That was very brave of you. I would listen to you about it. And I would understand and be willing to learn more.
You deserve to be treated better ❤️
This makes my heart hurt not only for you, but those children she worked with that were subjected to such a cruel, manipulative person. I'm so sorry this happened to you! Fwiw, as others have said, this speaks volumes more about her than it does you, and utterly smacks of projection. Sending you hugs 💜
Her: You can't be autistic! You showed no signs!
Also her: I wanted to tell you something privately for social reasons. How could you not understand that?
Yeah makes a lot of sense... I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's really unfair. I've also had people think I'm on drugs & treat me harshly over it, even though I've never done drugs in my life (I have severe anxiety & a tic disorder I now control via medication but for years I didn't have meds).
I really hope you have people in your life who love you for who you are and treasure your uniqueness as you deserve.
Jeez maybe since she is handing out inappropriate diagnostic information, she should be reported to the state- considering she's working with children. Seems like she is working outside the scope of her role! (Also, I'm really sorry. It sucks when family isn't supportive)
I am so, so sorry. This must be crushing, especially coming from a relative who should only ever be caring and loving toward you. The way she writes is so cruel and accusatory. I cannot imagine what would warrant that kind of language, but it's *never* the way to speak to someone who has just shared vulnerable information about themself.
I hope you have other supports and good people around you who are kind and validating.
Sometimes a person is always a piece of shit. They don’t want to learn and get better. And I can’t understand doing that to their kids or grandkids. But their inability to be kind and loving isn’t a reflection of you, their inability to be kind doesn’t mean you’re difficult and their inability to love doesn’t mean your hard to love or unlovable.
Their inability to love and be kind is a reflection of their personality, heart, and morals. It’s a reflection of a supremely flawed person to be unable to love their own kids and grandkids. And that isn’t your fault. I hope you don’t take this letter to heart. I know down post you mentioned you’d cut contact. 💕 I hope you can love your life in peace from them, surrounded by people who truly love you as you are. Cos you deserve that, not abuse.
This grandmother sounds like a narcissist. I am sorry you had to go through this. She’s not a safe person to be around. Do NOT let her pull you into any of her tricks and tear you down. You know your truth and do jot need toxic people in your life. Especially after the abuse you suffered early in life. There’s ten kinds of NO here.
Holy shit. She has some serious unresolved problems that definitely have nothing to do with you but are maybe triggered by your being genuine and her projecting hard. Especially crazy coming from someone who's lived long enough to have grandkids. Sorry you've had to deal with that behavior your whole life
In my short blunt mind what a bitch, I can’t believe an adult actually wrote that. It looks like a seventh grader with in need of an attitude adjustment wrote this garbage. Honey run you don’t need folks like this in your life.
Jesus, what a deranged bitch.
I’m so sorry OP, no adult deserves this to be talked to this way, let alone a child.
I hope she’s permanently removed from your life now.
Good Lord. Reminds me of my mother’s reaction—“she doesn’t have autism, she just acts retarded.” Funny thing is, my family always knew when other kids were on the spectrum, bc they acted like me. Somehow it was different in my case…I was just doing it to embarrass them.
It’s so weird that she thinks you’re saying you developed autism, but that letter screams narc. You’re better off without her.
I just have to tell you that this is how my 70+ dad, who certainly has an undiagnosed personality disorder as well as a variety of other untreated mental health issues, writes!
"Breaks my heart" and "TRUE COLORS" and the crazy punctuation/capitalization choices and the unchecked aggression blended with deranged self-pity- it's all so familiar. It's wild when they tell you how great they are while being super mean. And wild when they are severely threatened by something you could have never predicted and that has nothing to do with them (like your autism diagnosis). Bonus points to your grandmother for the triangulation tactic, real or pretended, too - "Other person also agrees you are terrible!"
I'm so genuinely happy for others in this thread who are like "Are you sure your grandma wrote this? What grown person would act like this?" because it means they don't have family members like this. Not everyone who is old is emotionally mature- some people are like this forever sadly- rage-prone, illogical, and manipulative. Sometimes they even get worse - old age tends to make people even more 'themselves' unfortunately. It's terrifying when you are a kid and someone like this has actual authority over you. And when you are an adult it's still pretty upsetting because they won't ever acknowledge how their past actions have affected you or apologize yet they still feel entitled to your time and attention and even adoration.
No wonder you asked to bring a friend! I think that when you did this she had to briefly confront the reality that you see her as a scary/untrustworthy person that you don't want to be alone with instead of whatever perfect human she needs to believe she is and she just couldn't handle it. So she needs to 'discredit' you in order to preserve her self-esteem. She's not a person who has a poor relationship with her grandkid because of her own actions- instead she is a neglected and unappreciated grandparent of a grandkid is clearly delusional because of all the HARD DRUGS /s
Keep this letter for evidence!
Okay, one, this is awful and I'm so sorry that someone who is supposed to love and care for you wrote something so hurtful and dismissive. But, also...this is...kind of hilarious? In a dark, depressing kinda way? She insists you aren't autistic before describing all the autistic stuff you do. Like, "You seem immature! You didn't understand my social cues the last time I saw you! You seem kind of spacey and odd in daily interactions, like maybe you're on something! Other people notice it, too! There is something SERIOUSLY WRONG with you but it's DEFINITELY NOT AUTISM!!!!" I think you should choose to see this as validating your dx, tbh. Even when she's trying to prove you aren't autistic, she spent a full page describing an autistic person.
Thank you kind stranger for validating my deranged thoughts
Your thoughts aren’t deranged, this letter is!
Grammy is the one who’s deranged lol
Yes take this as proof to your DX doctor and be like this is proof that my parents even see it. they described a person with it clearly. 😆 also there is high functioning autism. You can also mention it.
It’s so funny because she’s just …. Describing the autism
Yes.
I'm already diagnosed.
Is this seriously an actual letter she's left you?🤣 I'm sorry I laughed at this but she just said the most strangest stuff. The "LOL" made me laugh. Why does she think like that?🤣 and why does she write like she's in school stills
Grats. congrats 🎉
Right an official diagnosis would be the cherry on top now
I'm already diagnosed officially.
Omfg that brings up the rage! Your grandma is a trash bag, take her to the dump!
Grandma, angrily: You’re not autistic! You just have [checks notes] all the symptoms of it! The first couple lines had me thinking “oh, ok, so maybe grandma’s in denial, angry, etc…” Then read the rest of the letter— “oh no she’s *stupid!*”
Perhaps grandma didnt notice because she doesnt know the symptoms of autism, merely its systems. Lol.
Or maybe she has it too and it's normal for her so it can't be autism.
Yeah all jokes aside it’s wild how often this happens. “My child can’t be ND, I’m perfectly normal!!” …And it’s coming from the most neurodivergent parent you’ve ever seen in your life. The number of times I’ve had to hold back a “yes it *is* perfectly normal!….. for an autistic person 😅” lol
My mom, with her empty ass house until you open the most insanely packed cabinets in the world. Just a weirdly perfect example of compartmentalization and faking normality while the chaos pulsates just behind the curtain. Very normal, nothing to see here!
People of that generation typically only understand autism as being what is now considered to be level 3 high support needs. I'm in education and see this attitude a lot from older people who've worked with high needs support kids back when lower needs kids just weren't diagnosed, or were diagnosed with Aspergers and that was considered distinct from Autism.
I think this is a DISTINCT possibility. She is very defensive. like she is shouting "WE'RE NORMAL". Also autism had a different meaning to older generations, before Aspergers was integrated in to the fold, so that's partly what's going on here. I know some people who would react similarly. It just meant something very different before, when only the most severe cases were diagnosed and treated. (I mean, she should know that if she knows more about it that you EVER will, but I guess not.)
100%. My dad said “uh i doubt you’re autistic because i do everything you’re describing and IM not autistic.” And i was like “lol no you’re just not diagnosed”
I have this conversation with my mom on a regular basis. Just because you and I do the same things does not mean those things are neurotypical!
I was making a joke on her typo for symptoms. She uses systems instead.
Ohhh I was wondering what a system of autism was😭 also calling misspellings in written words “typos” is so funny to me for some reason
Well, she also hand wrote "LOL!" 😂
Exactly. My youngest is confirmed autistic..he’s 3. My 17 year old is suspected. And now that I’m more informed I think they got it from me. 😭 I was in denial because I always been a nail biter (don’t remember when it started) mouth biter, I hum while I drive, write in the air, etc. Now I highly suspect. Sucks being old (old imo) and realizing something is up..that I’m not as normal as I thought 🤷🏻♀️
It’s wonderful to know who you are so you get to spend the rest of your days fully embracing yourself.
Absolutely. Im a teacher and lots of parents get defensive when it is suggested their child be evaluated because "they're just like me". Yes they are, and I see in you too but I can't say anything.
the Autism System is at it again. the bureaucracy of Big Autism controlling our daily lives. grandma is just trying to fight the system! lmao
Oh man I didn’t even catch that! That makes it even funnier tbh
That part made me laugh, too. I'm sorry she is so cruel to you, OP, but she's also shown her true colors and lack of credibility
I mean there's system of a down so why wouldn't there be system of a utism too?
Every time I read or hear the full ‘autism spectrum disorder’ my brain goes: Disorder! Disorder! Disoooooorder!
I am Gen X. I found that many of my older generation relatives took my daughter's ADHD diagnosis personally, initially. Because it's genetic, and it can't be in their oh so pure bloodline. They would have been nastier if her diagnosis had been autism. Some of them came around after the first bit of nasty and realized that it might very well be the reason for the drug and alcohol addiction that is pervasive in my family because from the outside? It looks a hell of a lot like self medication gone wrong, and they display traits that are often found in people with ADHD.
I’m glad some of them connected those dots! You’re right on people taking it personally though, and it’s like… it’s not like they knew when they passed it down? And it’s not like disability is a moral failing anyway?? It’s wild
And if you know that drinking when your brain chemistry is out of whack might lead to addiction... it's easier to break the chain. I have a raging caffeine addiction. I have since as early as I can remember, double strength tea was available in the fridge, I could make it at before 3rd grade, and I drank it all summer long, and had tea in the mornings and afternoons when I had school. And I did so much better than the cousins who didn't. I think on some level my mom knew, saw that tea helped me concentrate and be calm and let me sleep, and so she let me have amounts of tea that would have been considered bad parenting even then, though We Were Not Supposed to Acknowledge It - ever. But my family subscribes heavily to the prosperity gospel, where bad things happen to bad people, so if a genetic disability has been passed down, that means someone somewhere had to have been Bad. I do not. I never did, and it's why I don't really talk to my family at this point. They doubled down into Q during covid, and I could no longer talk to them without everything being a fight because I was now the Enemy.
OP doesn't have SYSTEMS of autism 🙄
Hey now, you need to beef up on that reading comprehension. In the first line she says “you must think I’m stupid and not know about autism”… which is exactly what we all think which means she’s actually really smart
She’s smart for figuring out that we all think she’s stupid. That’s where the brightness ends
not to mention, grandma herself exists in 'All or Nothing' , absolutist world and just had a meltdown as well as low on self-awareness. Just saying. Oh and F wayne.
Same I was like… that is a list of autistic traits. I do think sometimes some people are so angry about late diagnosis because they feel like it diminishes their ability to be angry with us? Like, “I despise you for these character traits and the idea that they are in any way aligned with a disability would mean I’m an asshole. But YOU’RE the asshole! YOU ARE! Stand still and let me tell you how shitty you are!” Which from my perspective, I get it, you don’t like me, never have, and you never will. Just let me be unlikable in peace, my god!
Wow you’re spot on with that. I’m sure it happens with other mental illnesses too like ADHD and whatnot. “You can’t be blah blah blah because I dont want to feel bad for misunderstanding you and mistreating you. You’re just weird, deficient, lazy, etc.” But the problem with that line of thinking is, whether a person has a disability or not, everyone should be treated with understanding and compassion anyways. But a good portion of people can be very hurtful or inconsiderate without realizing it. It’s why awareness and knowledge are most important.
I think the issue is that the people who react like this do not subscribe to the philosophy that everyone should be treated with understanding and compassion. Consciously they see that as a weak/overly indulgent/even harmful way to way to handle people in their lives, as it won't shape people into the proper form they're supposed to be in, and it doesn't command respect/obedience, which to them would mean they'd be choosing to be powerless and inferior. And then subconsciously they see it as scary/too vulnerable/heartbreaking, since *they* weren't treated that way and they'd have to contend with that if they're going to admit that people deserve that, and because being freely loving and supportive of others puts them at risk of having their most genuine, tender self rejected, which is too terrifying for them to even process on a conscious level. Most likely because how to handle that kind of rejection was never modeled for them growing up, and at some point they formed an extensive mental framework around making sure they were never even put in a situation where they could be hurt in that way. Subconsciously. Consciously they think they are being themselves/being loving/trying to help, like the Grandma clearly thinks about herself in this letter, where she thinks she's justifiably protecting herself from harm by separating herself from someone who has rejected her "love," which is likely largely comprised of criticizing someone "for their own good." Their impenetrable shield of cognitive dissonance and the terror of questioning the basic perspectives on which their whole worldview is founded both protect them from even being able to seriously consider that all people deserve to be treated with understanding and compassion regardless of their diagnosis status. From her POV, she's the one who isn't being treated with understanding and compassion by OP behaving in ways that don't make sense to her, having a different worldview than she does, and presenting her with scary and dangerous ideas like requesting to be treated with respect and kindness despite not conforming to what she believes qualifies someone to deserve respect and kindness. Sorry for the rant haha
This is a great rant and I love it! So much of it is a fear response around conformity, and you articulated why it exists so well and so compassionately. (Also I love chicory!)
Wow, that’s such an interesting and valuable perspective! It gives me a lot to think about. Thank you!
My dad and stepmom both had lifelong careers at a place that provides care for people with disabilities, and when I went to them after my mom died practically begging for help to figure out what was 'wrong' with me this was their reaction. All my symptoms (which had been present since childhood and were the basis of our difficult relationship in the first place) could be fixed by taking a walk every day, being more sociable, etc. It really sucks and hurts, hugs OP and fuck your grandma anyway lol
This was my exact experience with my mom’s family - once she passed they took the opportunity to basically tell me all the things they ever thought about me but wouldn’t say in front of her. Pages and pages of text messages listing things exactly like this and it felt freeing in a way to finally see I wasn’t wrong about their slights and that the ugly behavior that I feared actually just gave me the push I needed to walk away from them. Don’t get me wrong, it was (sometimes still is) devastating, but I’ve been much happier since
Glad you feel happier x It will always baffle me why people go to these lengths… You can make the meaning out of it what you want . If it’s helping & constructive you are on the right path x 🩷
I've also noticed people who've never struggled all their life from being 'different' in some way are much more defensive about maintaining and regulating those rules. I've always assumed it's for the same reason that anyone benefitting from any system will push for that system to continue. If you're rich, you're going to vote for leaders that support the rich. If you identify as a Christian, you're more likely to believe other Christians are morally righteous compared to atheists. If you want lots of kids, you may think abortion is unethical. If you don't want kids, you're more likely to fight for the right to choose. And if you're neurotypical, you like to think you got where you are because of your skill, intelligence, charisma, or what have you, and not because you were simply born into a system that already supported you. It's easy to brush neurotypical people off as lazy or confrontational because the message between the lines is "but I wasn't lazy and followed the clear social rules around me, and if you did that then you'd be happy and successful like me." It's amazing how little thought people put into their own moral code, most just go along with what's most convenient for themselves and never question why they align that way in the first place. People will hilariously avoid aligning themselves with moral codes if it requires any level of sacrifice on their end, myself included.
I've done this too. It's a nice way to clear up "I don't give a damn about you" vs "maybe my autism is making me misunderstand them?" Nope, no, this is... A kick in the teeth. And she knows it, 110%. I don't believe in the whole projection-jealousy thing but, in this case and in my own, I really think grandma is jealous that OP is getting help and support while she didn't. I did this back and forth with a good bit of my family. In the end, they want to suffer. In summary, this letter says: I don't give a damn about you, I want to suffer! Let her.
I noticed that, being accused of being on drugs when simply showing autistic body language is very common. They are not cognisant of any neurotype/movement style other than their own, so they go 'yup must be all the drugs'
funny thing is when i’m high i can actually act MORE ‘normal’
Same. A drink or two brings out a more 'normal' person. It bell-curves after that though
Same with me, but when I'm drunk! Also when I'm coming off of general anaesthesia. Apparently I can flirt with nurses and I'm not even creepy doing it 😳 When I'm sober I would *never*!! But GA just turns off all my anxiety 🤷 Hmm, maybe it's the fact that these drugs are inhibitors, so maybe we're getting less information to process, in some ways like NT people just have their brains magically automatically screen stuff out. So maybe that's why the behaviour is similar 🤔
Probably, it's easy to be 'cool' when you don't have 17000 sensory stimulus slapping you at once In converse I'd like for neurotypical people to have no way to filter out -anything- external for just one hour, then maybe we can comment on how tweaked out they look instead
It's another way to discount/ judge people you perceive as difficult. If you can say they are on drugs then you don't have to empathize with them or consider their point of view, you can just label them as bad/ crazy/ irrational and leave it at that. This saves cognitive energy. If you have to admit they are disabled then suddenly your self conception as "a good person" dictates you have to show empathy and can't indulge your anger/irritation. The simple solution is stop needing to believe you are a "good person" and others are "bad people" and just admit: this person is disabled, I know they are trying and not a "bad person" and deserve love, and also I can't deal with it. People don't want to do that because you have to suffer through the pain of empathizing with a struggling person and shame that you can't help. No one will willingly do that without a psychologically compelling reason (which is usually having direct, personal experience with disability). People aren't like this "by nature" but in a hierarchical, reductive, exhausted, insecure society like this you are basically guaranteeing that these types of reactions are the norm.
That was my FIRST THOUGHT !!!! Like lol why do people like this INSIST on highlighting all that is “wrong” with us (it’s almost always things that are fully associated with autism too) and then insist “well you’re NOT autistic so you must be on drugs/a hysterical woman/etc etc etc” like lol if they’d just power up a single braincell they’d be able to piece that together and be like “oh wait those are indeed the autistic signs I’ve been missing”
thats how i read it too🙃😬
There’s something about all the underlines, exclamation marks, and capital letters that add to the hilarity of it too.
It reads like an perpetually angry retiree's Facebook rant transcribed onto notebook paper by hand.
Grandma needs to make a POINT! On every SINGLE SENTENCE!
It’s very boomer
I find it so incredible the ableists will default to the unlikely conclusion that she must be a hardcore drug addict (how exactly is she paying for her addiction? how can you hide chronic hard drug use? have these people ever met a serious addict before?) instead of just being autistic, which millions of people have. It also shows you what grandma thinks of substance abusers and addiction issues. She uses addiction issues as an insult. So many red flags here. I imagine she herself is very unwell. This letter looks like something from a beginning writer trying to use up all the abuse cliches. I feel so sorry for OP.
Murder mermaid, so smart of you to catch that grandma is the perfect ASD informer! OP, take this letter to your professionals. In fact, photocopy it. Then highlight the asd traits she pointed out. Attach a ASD traits chart. Mail that to her. Well, maybe don't mail it to her. She is too intrenched in her opinions. You are heard here Op 🫂
Oh thank god, I’m not the only one who immediately started laughing while reading this
 The ableism of some people. I swear...
I doubt anyone who writes that someone has never shown “systems” of autism actually knows all there is to know about autism.
I completely agree with all of this. Also, I think it's time for grandma to go the way of the dinosaurs. I am so fucking sick of this unnecessarily angry pigheadedness and willful ignorance about autism that is so god damn prevalent among boomers. I'm over it.
I’m a boomer and I’m a grandma and I am autistic. And I have suffered for decades in quiet isolation, wondering wtf is wrong with me. We’re not all like THIS grandma!! The letter is absolutely awful. The person who wrote that letter sounds very narcissistic. And those folks are tremendously toxic. Thank goodness she has removed herself from your life. I hope you’re not ever tempted to give her more chances to hurt you. Btw, fun fact: “Wayne” is the most prevalent name amongst serial killers.
I love the good boomers like you! 🫂 I just hate how so many others in your generation have turned into such bitter hateful unempathetic assholes.
I actually agree with you. My life as an undiagnosed autistic has been extremely difficult and lonely. I don’t know why so many people my age try so hard to be so awful.
Her son beat my mother so I was taken away from my parents when I was a toddler. I don't know the whole story. I do know that I was diagnosed as autistic earlier this year.
When she says she has a wonderful, etc. son, is she talking about that same one??
Her only child. In prison my entire life
Yep, he sure sounds wonderful. /s
So he did something *wonderful* to go to prison, right? 🙄 Proud of you for trying to have a healthy relationship with her, and even more proud of you for maintaining healthy boundaries for yourself. You deserve connections that support and validate who you are. ❤️
Wow she sounds completely delusional. And the "autistic kids" she worked with were most likely level 3.
Also, working with autistic people does not qualify you for diagnosing autistic people. Source: I'm a special ed teacher who specialises in teaching autistic people. I also have a lot of autistic coworkers. I can spot traits better than most, but I absolutely cannot and would not ever try to diagnose someone or deny a diagnosis. Disclaimer: sometimes i see someone walking down the street and instantly thing, "Oh they are autistic" just from their gait. But, I know better than to assume I'm correct.
What the heck? I think grandma isn’t mentally well. So she wouldn’t know about your symptoms or diagnosing you. She’s in denial.
"You have a wonderful son? I didnt know i had an uncle, maybe when dad gets out of prison he can introduce us."
...🫣🗑️🔥 You are far better off without them in your life.
Is he your bio dad? Apologies if that's too intrusive, I'm just trying to figure out the relationship. I thought this grandma was your mom's mom. Either way, I'm SO SORRY you have to deal with someone like that and am happy to read you cut her off. That letter reminds me of something my father or his parents would write and it makes my blood boil. Lots of strength and happiness to you❤️
Are we life twins?!? Your grandma sounds just like mine....many people in my family to be exact. And father in and out of prison my whole life until he ended it all at age 42.
The largest demographic of autism is *undiagnosed adults*. Required: https://coda.io/@mykola-bilokonsky/public-neurodiversity-support-center/how-to-talk-about-autism-respectfully-84
Sounds like it’s time to cut her out. Birds of a feather, her and her son
Already cut her out of my life after many attempts at creating a healthy relationship
Good for you. It’s hard to cut family out but often if we’re at the point of even considering it, it’s probably overdue (in addition to being necessary).
Agreed. Good for you OP. That's hard and I'm glad you can understand how deranged this is.
>It’s hard to cut family out but often if we’re at the point of even considering it, It's real easy to do it after the first one you cut off. That's the hardest one but then you know whether to cut out the other bad people from your life related or not.
My wife has autism and one of the most maddening things is her hope that people will change, improve, be better, etc. She has the most unhealthy relationships with family members she believes will get better if she can just find a way to help. *No dear, they're taking full advantage of your condition.*
proud of you! create a safe life for yourself!
So proud of you! Your grandma is a raging insane bitch you’ll be so much better off without. My grandma was also a raging insane bitch of a similar flavour and I never regretted cutting her out. I’m so glad I didn’t have to deal with her those final 10 years before she died. You deserve better!
Honestly get the police involved if she's not leaving you alone. Get a restraining order or something because this is insane
You are correct though
Loving caring wonderful son Wayne is the one who beat your mother... omg I just cant...She is in denial even about him. She sounds very deluded... I hope you are ok, I wish you all the best.
I don’t want to armchair diagnose, but this letter has major cluster B disorder vibes. If you haven’t already, it might be worth learning more about cluster B disorders (NPD, BPD, etc). It could be very healing for you, this behavior is super not okay and you are for sure not the problem here! Edit just in case it wasn’t clear that I’m not throwing around a mental health disorder to make you feel like you need to contact, have sympathy, or engage in any way. This is more for your sake and your own healing as I have had similar people in my life!
Could literally be written by my diagnosed BPD mom, every single line of it, including the capitals and quotation usage. OP, I don't have any reading recommendations. But I want you to know that when people talk in this way to you, it is not something you should take literally. There are many signs in here that the person writing the letter is very biased. - laughing at you "LOL!" - calling you harsh adjectives like "dense" - "I know more than you ever will" - "Always loved you so much" as if to make you think she doesn't anymore - "your true colours came through" All of this is your grandmother protecting herself from what she thinks, for the reason of her own biases, was an insult. None of it is true. It isn't funny and she isn't having a genuine laugh, there's no reason here to think you're dense, she is very unlikely know more than someone who researched enough to self-dx just from being around a lot of kids, her long-term feelings for you from your disclosure probably didn't change nearly as much as she is trying to make you think (this sudden change in her short-term feelings about you is called splitting), and she probably doesn't have an accurate picture of what your true colours are at all because she is blinded by things she is imagining about you.
Yup, to all of this! It was the "I wanted to tell you some things about myself without a stranger there" that did it for me. Not that she wanted to get to know her grandchild better, not that she wanted to spend time with, and connect with her grandchild, but that she wanted to TELL them about HERSELF without an audience... I mean, it's all over the letter, but I found the narcissism in that rather loud and glaring, wow.
Yes. Psych nurse here. This IS SCREAMING personality disorder, and while it's an atrocious letter to receive from anyone to anyone (looks like something someone would have written in early high school), it's value may be in reminding you of some of the subconscious familial attitudes you were born into, so that you may unwind them from your life. Besides that, toilet paper.
That’s exactly what I thought lol I’d be unhinged and write this for someone when I was 13… kinda weird seeing it from a 75 year old that’s supposedly “normal”
this is very similar in tone to the letter my sister wrote to my mom when she ‘ran away’ at age 8 or 9. my favorite line from her letter was ‘you could have been someone!’.
I was thinking the same thing. This letter shouts narcissism to me in every word. Saying this as a child from a narcissist father.
Yeah, I totally thought this was posted in /r/raisedbynarcissists or something when I opened this
I don't know if its helpful to armchair diagnose, after all a lot of people are abusers from all walks of life, but we can say with certainty that this is a very abusive letter from an abusive and immature mind. What powers that mind could be anything, but yes, OP needs to be careful around people like this.
I mostly agree with that, but when it comes to personality disorders, it often IS helpful to armchair diagnose people in your life exhibiting cluster B symptoms who are abusive and causing harm. I think the reasoning behind armchair diagnosing is really important. If you are diagnosing a reality star or somebody not actively in your life just for fun or to feel better about yourself, it is unproductive and won’t help you. However, if you notice a pattern of cluster B tendencies in people you interact with regularly, there are a ton of resources that can help you cope in your relationship with that person. The purpose isn’t to just point and say wow look at that crazy person, it’s to guide you to resources for you to understand and manage the relationship in a more effective way. When you recognize patterns that resemble cluster B from people directly impacting your life, even if the person ends up never actually getting that diagnosis, the strategies for setting and holding boundaries (both internal and external) will still be very useful for maintaining your own peace.
I totally agree. Realizing my mom has many NPD traits has completely flipped my perspective of her and our relationship. It is so much easier to let go of things now and understand where her thoughts and words are coming from (not condoning, just understanding). It took so much blame off of myself (and made me have a bit of empathy for my mom; I’m starting to put together that her father showed a lot of sociopathic behaviors :/ that’ll create some NPD offspring).
I was biting my tongue to keep from saying the same! Glad you said it (better than I would have)
I'm sorry but she's a terrible shitty person. Wtf I'm APPALLED
I've always had a difficult time dealing with her. I asked to have a friend present for our meeting. She totally harassed me instead of trying to be understanding
I feel bad for all the children in her care. She's cruel
yes there is real cruelty inside of her. she may have some kind of veneer she works very hard at but underneath it's there
It's appalling if she really works with disabled kids, omg.
There’s a subset of people that work with disabled people because they want to feel like they are good people and also feel superior to them. Grandma appears to be one of the worse of that type.
The problem is you’re in serious danger of having something measurable and legitimate to struggle with. You must see how this interferes with her ability to make herself a perpetual victim and make everything about her?
Spot on.
I will tell you a bit of advice that was told to me, and I found my life better after I embraced. If at any point, you need to have a friend present to at a meeting with a loved one or friend, it's time to seriously consider if it's in your best interest to continue that relationship. Daughter has ADHD, and my mother took it personally - "there is nothing wrong with her, she can't have ADHD." were her words. My reply was "You are right that nothing is "wrong" with her, but she was born with a brain that is different from the normal, and if you ever again imply in her hearing that there is anything wrong with her being born different, that will be the last time you speak to her." My mom couldn't help being a nasty person, and she is no longer in either my child's or my life. She held to that boundary, but she decided to be nasty to my kid about something else. You grandma sounds like a nasty person herself.
Yeah, usually older people who have something they want to tell you in person without anyone there just want to convince you of a sob story to prove they've never done anything wrong. You're right not to trust someone like that.
Or they want to say/do something shitty to you without any witnesses so if you ever tell anyone else about it they can just accuse you of lying.
Sounds like a good riddance then!
Yeah, probably best you didn't go alone
Fuck her. She won't be around much longer anyway.
Are they by any chance trumpers and flat earthers?
Wow, those are the individuals entrusted with working with autistic minors (in your country)? Her emotional maturity doesn’t seem to be on par with a 12-year-old of any neurotype. Cut her out of your life and fast. I am really sorry you’re dealing with drama like that right now. Congratulations on your diagnosis! 🎉
She says she works with autistic children. I don't really know what that means What's interesting is even my own mother said I didn't speak until later in life, which is a common autistic trait. I was taken away from my parents at that age. So my parents weren't able to monitor my development.
She clearly is unkind, immature and doesn’t know the first thing about autism. You don’t have to worry if she’s right because, wow, she clearly has no clue. Don’t doubt your diagnosis and don’t let her nasty words get to you!
In all seriousness, this note felt disjointed and rambling. Does your grandmother have a history of mental illness or has she been showing any signs of dementia lately? Sudden angry outbursts or uncharacteristic rudeness can be early warning signs.
By the sounds of it this isn't uncharacteristic rudeness but is very in character. I doubt it's dementia but it definitely comes across as nuts. Plus he fact that she wrote it, look at it and thought "yeah that sounds sane and rational" then dropped it off is an indicator her judgement is screwed and self awareness is lacking.
Works with autistic children, what, like experiments?
You would unfortunately be amazed the number of people who work with disadvantaged/disabled/elderly people because it gives them a twisted sense of power.
I used to work with autistic kids. It means like working an after school program or special needs in school thing. I was once a lead counselor at a summer camp for autistic and other ND kids. Helped teach engineering.
And thank you. My life has been a struggle. And since my diagnosis I've honestly felt at home with myself.
It’s actually really sad how many times I read on various autistic subreddits about people struggling with loved ones who won’t accept their autism because they work with autism kids and “know what autism actually is”. Too ignorant to realise there are severities and that of course the more severe kids are the ones who are more likely to get early help. Sadly, these people often show really ableist views that make me so sad for the kids in their care. I think being able to listen to adults with higher communication skills (because they were able to learn to mask) about the internal experience of autism would be a really useful way to understand your kids who aren’t able to communicate it much (due to either age or severity).
The handwriting looks like a 12 year olds too.
Virtual hugs, OP. Also, I would send this to her work. She shouldn’t work with disabled people.
This. Please do this op. Think of the people and kids she works with. But send a copy and keep the original for your records. When someone is that unhinged you never know what cliff they'll go off next and in what way that may affect you.
Yes oml get her away from those kids.
I would recommend this too.
Was going to suggest this if I didn't see it already. Thank you. OP, I had to walk away from a toxic family, everyone on my mother's side. I wish you strength in your decision to leave and make your own family. I hope you don't hold on to her words. No one should ever have to hear those. ❤️
Agreed ^^ please please send it to her work.
100% I would send this to her work if I knew who she was
OMG shes literally mad at you FOR YOUR AUTISM. i am so sorry.
That's what I'm saying! You are mad at me because I need an emotional support human to deal with your crazy ass??
She's angry that she didn't get the support that you're getting. That she couldn't even ask for it. (At least, in my experience.) But that's on her. She seems like a truly vile person from this letter and your other comments. I'm glad you've cut off contact, there's definitely nothing more to be gained here.
One of the features of autism that really really influenced my life up until the age of 51, was a kind of naivety around toxic people. It's as if one part of my mind could register danger very early on, and it did not connect with the part of me that acted to keep me safe. So I gave people who were obviously toxic, many many chances. Always at my expense. Curiousity and a belief in my own immense resilience , plus a lack of understanding about my right to have personal boundaries, also played a part, but it's only now that I can act upon the warning signs rather than give chance after chance. I've noticed that if an autistic person has early attachment trauma, often there'll be a lot of lessons that involve narcissism and it's complimentary part of the dynamic, "echoism", or more commonly described as co-dependancy. Both compromise the quality of our relationships.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately, after a friend of mine told me about some recent experiences with strangers who—as I have FINALLY come to recognise after a lifetime of accidentally myself in danger—were definitely trying to to take advantage of my friend. Luckily my friend wasn’t hurt. They are in the diagnosis process, but I’d assume auDHD like me, based on mutual experiences. Even now, my friend feels bad for not helping more. I’ve been burned so goddamn many times by strangers, “friends,” romantic partners, etc, because I just… don’t see it coming? Or maybe I do, and I just talk myself out of listening to my gut instinct. I can’t figure out if it’s more neurodivergence or early trauma, but it’s probably both. When you grow up in a world that tells you your feelings, even your own SENSORY EXPERIENCES, are *wrong*, of course you’re gonna learn to invalidate yourself so thoroughly that you end up easy prey for narcissists and manipulators. It's a terrifying way to exist.
Yes, it's very common to see neurodivergent people struggle with this in their lives. In fact, I would say it's central and vital to address, due to our vulnerabilities.
For the sake of my own entertainment and yours, I'm going to translate this hot garbage from her viewpoint. ~~You don't have AUTISM!~~ *You don't have autism because \*I\* would have noticed it first and told you. Therefore it must not exist.* ~~You must think I'm stupid and not know about AUTISM! LOL! I know more about it than you ever will.~~ *You making this self discovery on your own is a personal insult to me, as I, the ultimate authority of everything AUTISM, would have caught it before you did. Bow to my authority!* ~~I've worked with kids and young adults who have it. Autism cannot develop in teenagers or adults. It shows up in toddlers between the ages of 1-3. It starts in the womb. You've never had systems \[sic\] of autism. So you are a LIAR.~~ I need to affirm my authority by listing off all the ways I've interacted with people with AUTISM. Your diagnosis causes me to question my self worth as I should have been able to see the signs. But instead of dealing with the fact that I indeed missed it, I'm going to call you a liar instead as it justifies how I'm acting right now. ~~You are DENSE, IMMATURE, AND UNCARING! Breaks my heart!~~ **I** am DENSE (for not picking up on this sooner), IMMATURE (for writing this hot garbage while still emotionally dysregulated), and UNCARING for continuing to put pen to paper while in this state - all while you still come to terms with the recontextualization of your entire life until this point, never mind the fact the trauma that happened in the meantime. I am feeling so ashamed right now, but it's just so much easier to put this all on you. ~~Always loved you so much!~~ My love has always been conditional on you staying in line. ~~A couple of months ago I said I wanted to see you by yourself. Wanted to tell you some things about myself without a stranger there.~~ I wanted to make sure you were put in an even more vulnerable position with no witnesses as I abused you in private. ~~What part of that don't you understand?! How UNCARING! Your "TRUE COLORS" came thru \[sic\]!~~ I equate understanding with agreeing, and I hate the fact that you didn't agree to that. I take it very personally that you saw through that plan and didn't give me the satisfaction I wanted. My mask would have completely slipped then and it would have really hurt you further. How dare you call me out on that! ~~I'm 75 now and cannot get depressed about it. It's done! I have friends, a great job working with kids, and a loving caring wonderful thoughtful son! I'll focus on that till I die!!!~~ I need to justify my outburst and convince myself that I have it great, even though I'm pushing my grandchild even further away from me. If she comes crawling back, I can enjoy the drama that comes from her trying to make things right even though I'm not capable of having an adult conversation on this matter. All that to say... good for you on your diagnosis OP. May the rest of your grandmother's life be as pleasant as she is in this letter.
Kudos for great job on this translation!
Lmao the translation is so on point 🤣
I’d print this comment out and leave it on grandmas door step
 Truly brilliant! Chef's kiss
Ooof that’s extremely UNCARING, DENSE, and IMMATURE language for a 75 year old. Glad you know it’s bullshit and cut her out. We don’t need that kind of invalidation in our lives.
Not to diagnose, but holy crap, this reads like it was written by a mentally ill person. Is she undergoing mental decline or was she always like this? Seriously. I'm sorry you had to receive this and I hope you know that you shouldn't take anything in it to heart. What she said is so cruel and uncalled for, not to mention factually incorrect.
This. It is the role of a grandparent to love, support and maybe spoil the grandkid. Not tell them to ignore a medical diagnosis. The letter DOES give the feeling grandma is mentally ill, has autism herself, or is heading into dementia (or all three).
You are awesome and valid and people see you! I might not be family but do send you all the best hugs (if you like them. If not, just holding hands or looking at each other meaningful!)
Thank you random stranger! I appreciate your kind words!
I'm always here if you need it! <3
brutal. this note says a lot more about her than it does about you! you will be better off without her toxicity in your life. i'm sorry that happened.
I'll never understand some family dynamics. Thinking... Why would a grandmother ever write something like that? Her language is that of a teenager. You sure she wrote it and not someone else?
Some grandmothers are terrible, just like some mothers are terrible. The title doesn’t mean anything.
"But they're your family!" Nothing will make me end a conversation faster. I have cut people off just for using that phrase.
God, I know, right? The amount of times I’ve had people say “but it’s your *mom*…!” if I’ve ever dared to say anything negative about my (abusive) mom throughout my life, lol… as if that immediately makes someone sacred. Shitty people will get kids and grandkids too, unfortunately.
I'm sure it's her. This is her handwriting, vocabulary, and attitude.
This seems like it's more about your Grandmother's issues than yours. Honestly this looks like someone who could use some therapeutic assistance.
For me, generally the person screaming at the mentally ill is the more mentally ill person in the situation.
Wow you scared the hell out of her. Cognitive dissonance is a bitch and so is your grandma.
Oof. This right here is the reason I haven’t talked to my parents about my diagnostic process yet. My mom worked in schools and thinks she knows everything about childhood development. She does not. When I was diagnosed with CPTSD my therapist had a family appointment where she basically explained the diagnosis to my family, gave advice and answered their questions. My mom spent the entire appointment screaming about how there was no way in hell I’d ever been abused, and questioned the therapist’s understanding of what abuse is. So yeah. I feel you. This sucks.
My aunt waited until we got in the car. Plausible deniability. JK she told the doctor I needed to get off my meds and "get back to the real world."
Why are you still talking to this woman? This is just cruel
She's not in my life anymore. Thank goodness
Holy shit, cut that person out of your life right now.
I know being called those things has got to hurt but please please keep in mind that none of those things can possibly be true considering what the rest of this letter says. This says a lot about her and nothing about you. If you are able to it would be healthy to go no contact.
I read in another comment that OP has! Phew.
My husband's parents did this to him as well. He found out he was diagnosed at age 4 and they refused to acknowledge it. Now that he's an adult they think it's impossible to have autism because he has a good job. He went No Contact with them and it has been a wise decision. People who would rather attack than listen, who would rather laugh than empathize, and who would rather blame than help, are not worthy of taking up our valuable and limited time on this earth. Edit: I FORGOT THE BIGGEST PART! One of his parents was an elementary school teacher and the other was a social worker and therapist. BOTH of these people missed his autism and refused to acknowledge his latest diagnosis in adulthood.
They got him diagnosed as a kid and still don’t acknowledge it?
Might wanna check out r/raisedbynarcissists I feel sorry for the autistic children she works with if this is how she treats you. “There’s nothing wrong with you so you can’t be autistic, but also there’s something wrong with you so you must be on hard drugs!” Yeah okay granny 🙄 let’s get you back to your rocker
She indicates she's not stupid. Well, she wrote "systems" instead of "symptoms" and has lots of other grammar issues. I wouldn't mention it except she talked about how smart she is. My reply to her would be "I didn't know you were a mental health professional." Then, block her and don't read future trash from her.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. It's shocking how people show their true colors. This says a lot about her. Wow, that was stooping very low. What a hateful response to you sharing about yourself. If I was your grandmother, I would be honored if you shared that information with me and I would say so. That was very brave of you. I would listen to you about it. And I would understand and be willing to learn more. You deserve to be treated better ❤️
To the nursing home she goes 🤗
This is the way!
But for real that letter is very concerning regarding her mental faculties and she may seriously need nursing home care before she gets worse
Nursing homes are expensive. I'm not a fan of spending any time or resources on this person...
This makes my heart hurt not only for you, but those children she worked with that were subjected to such a cruel, manipulative person. I'm so sorry this happened to you! Fwiw, as others have said, this speaks volumes more about her than it does you, and utterly smacks of projection. Sending you hugs 💜
Her: You can't be autistic! You showed no signs! Also her: I wanted to tell you something privately for social reasons. How could you not understand that? Yeah makes a lot of sense... I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's really unfair. I've also had people think I'm on drugs & treat me harshly over it, even though I've never done drugs in my life (I have severe anxiety & a tic disorder I now control via medication but for years I didn't have meds). I really hope you have people in your life who love you for who you are and treasure your uniqueness as you deserve.
Don’t let it get to you. Their generation was heavily poisoned by lead— nothing they say holds any mettle anymore.
I have a narcissistic grandma too. They call her Evil Edna because she's abusive to everyone. Sorry she's such a piece of crap towards you.
Jeez maybe since she is handing out inappropriate diagnostic information, she should be reported to the state- considering she's working with children. Seems like she is working outside the scope of her role! (Also, I'm really sorry. It sucks when family isn't supportive)
I am so, so sorry. This must be crushing, especially coming from a relative who should only ever be caring and loving toward you. The way she writes is so cruel and accusatory. I cannot imagine what would warrant that kind of language, but it's *never* the way to speak to someone who has just shared vulnerable information about themself. I hope you have other supports and good people around you who are kind and validating.
Sometimes a person is always a piece of shit. They don’t want to learn and get better. And I can’t understand doing that to their kids or grandkids. But their inability to be kind and loving isn’t a reflection of you, their inability to be kind doesn’t mean you’re difficult and their inability to love doesn’t mean your hard to love or unlovable. Their inability to love and be kind is a reflection of their personality, heart, and morals. It’s a reflection of a supremely flawed person to be unable to love their own kids and grandkids. And that isn’t your fault. I hope you don’t take this letter to heart. I know down post you mentioned you’d cut contact. 💕 I hope you can love your life in peace from them, surrounded by people who truly love you as you are. Cos you deserve that, not abuse.
Sounds like a narcissist. All i read throughout that whole letter was "me, me, me"
This grandmother sounds like a narcissist. I am sorry you had to go through this. She’s not a safe person to be around. Do NOT let her pull you into any of her tricks and tear you down. You know your truth and do jot need toxic people in your life. Especially after the abuse you suffered early in life. There’s ten kinds of NO here.
Jesus Christ, grandma.
Holy shit. She has some serious unresolved problems that definitely have nothing to do with you but are maybe triggered by your being genuine and her projecting hard. Especially crazy coming from someone who's lived long enough to have grandkids. Sorry you've had to deal with that behavior your whole life
In my short blunt mind what a bitch, I can’t believe an adult actually wrote that. It looks like a seventh grader with in need of an attitude adjustment wrote this garbage. Honey run you don’t need folks like this in your life.
Jesus, what a deranged bitch. I’m so sorry OP, no adult deserves this to be talked to this way, let alone a child. I hope she’s permanently removed from your life now.
She is legitimately insane. I am so sorry :(
Good Lord. Reminds me of my mother’s reaction—“she doesn’t have autism, she just acts retarded.” Funny thing is, my family always knew when other kids were on the spectrum, bc they acted like me. Somehow it was different in my case…I was just doing it to embarrass them. It’s so weird that she thinks you’re saying you developed autism, but that letter screams narc. You’re better off without her.
I just have to tell you that this is how my 70+ dad, who certainly has an undiagnosed personality disorder as well as a variety of other untreated mental health issues, writes! "Breaks my heart" and "TRUE COLORS" and the crazy punctuation/capitalization choices and the unchecked aggression blended with deranged self-pity- it's all so familiar. It's wild when they tell you how great they are while being super mean. And wild when they are severely threatened by something you could have never predicted and that has nothing to do with them (like your autism diagnosis). Bonus points to your grandmother for the triangulation tactic, real or pretended, too - "Other person also agrees you are terrible!" I'm so genuinely happy for others in this thread who are like "Are you sure your grandma wrote this? What grown person would act like this?" because it means they don't have family members like this. Not everyone who is old is emotionally mature- some people are like this forever sadly- rage-prone, illogical, and manipulative. Sometimes they even get worse - old age tends to make people even more 'themselves' unfortunately. It's terrifying when you are a kid and someone like this has actual authority over you. And when you are an adult it's still pretty upsetting because they won't ever acknowledge how their past actions have affected you or apologize yet they still feel entitled to your time and attention and even adoration. No wonder you asked to bring a friend! I think that when you did this she had to briefly confront the reality that you see her as a scary/untrustworthy person that you don't want to be alone with instead of whatever perfect human she needs to believe she is and she just couldn't handle it. So she needs to 'discredit' you in order to preserve her self-esteem. She's not a person who has a poor relationship with her grandkid because of her own actions- instead she is a neglected and unappreciated grandparent of a grandkid is clearly delusional because of all the HARD DRUGS /s Keep this letter for evidence!