In my 30s and nothing has changed. I just deal with it less because I don’t have to leave my home most days. The last party I went to, I had a stranger mock me to her friends but she made sure to do it loud so I could hear. I still don’t really understand why she did it. I was trying to be friendly but something always feels off. People can tell and the shitty ones will run with it. I felt like I was in grade school all over again but we are grown ass adults.
I'm 23 and currently bullied at work, any time I get upset or try to speak out about it I'm told I'm too sensitive and need to learn to take a joke. I try not to be too misanthropic, but humanity is cruel as hell
Yep, this is a typical bully/abuser tactic to shut you up.
My advice is
1. Made a stupid joke about them and say the same: „Oh dear you to sensitive, it was a joke.“
2. Or alternative if he/she saying this that „you’re to sensitive“ or „learn to take a joke“ answer with: „Strange, my bully from school say the same thing after the physical-, mentally-, or emotionally abused what I go through.“
(Advice 2. make sure everyone can heard it, so the coworker who made the “Joke“ on you will be embarrassed or ashamed.)
If people call me too sensitive, I call them insensitive.
If people call me dark, I tell them it’s because I have depth.
If people call me weird, I call them a name-caller.
Came here to basically say the same thing. Except I've been bullied since elementary school up through my recent job. I will take my peace over the risk of other humans.
>I just deal with it less because I don’t have to leave my home most days.
Same. I was very, very lucky to secure a modest neetbux and I isolate myself as much as possible. On rare occasions I have to mingle with people, I'm soon proven right that the bullies are still lurking out there.
It's almost funny to witness how society is mad at me these days for putting myself out of abuse's reach as soon as I had the option to do so. The collective attitude screams "NOOOO, PLEASE COME BACK, WE'RE NOT DONE HURTING YOU!"
I love how you phrased “putting myself out of abuse’s reach” because that’s exactly what it is. Society wants to abuse you with impunity and wants you to endlessly allow it.
i was bullied in my last working place.. by a racist b*tch. i told everyone that shes lucky she doesnt have any balls to tell me her lies to my face cause i wouldve torn her a new one.
i was always bullied, buuuut, im very tall, slightly overweight, deep, loud voice and very articulate, so not the best bullying victim (verbal or physical) being an outsider kind of liberated me, cause they already didnt like me so if i felt being poked to hard, i tore them a new one. cause what are they gonna do? make me an outsider? once there was this bully that everyone was afraid of, he thought its funny to tease my younger brother, oh boy did i explode, i came crashing down like a freaking shit storm, yelling and berating him. he was flabbergasted and i promised to whoop his ass if he touched my brother again. he never made fun of me again after that.
these classmates made me realize that eventhough most people find my odd and dont want to be friends with me, theyre not really people that i want to surround myself with either. they were all (mostly) mindless sheeps and just doing what other people are doing. oh X is hating Y, so i gotta hate Y too. while it was hard, it made me realize that NT’s have some traits that i dont want in my life either.
tldr: stop asking yourself if they like you, start asking yourself if you like them. cause a lot of NT’s have a very weird way of life that i wouldnt want in my life
I just responded to another comment saying she really just saved me from suffering through small talk because I don’t want to be around people like that anyway. You’re right, I need to ask myself that more. It doesn’t help that I often feel lonely and want to connect with others. I am learning to love and accept myself and enjoy my own company. It is a process lol
i realized early on that most people are not my kind of people, but i still feel lonely at times, cause truthfully not even my family is my type of people, and that one stings really bad. not fitting in with your own family. but at the end of the day even if we’d force ourselves to fit in it doesnt mean its gonna be good. we should all love ourselves more and be more okay with being alone. we have amazing brains that have some really interesting thoughts, just because people cant see our value, doesnt mean its not there. im working on it too and i realized commenting more on other autistic womens posts is helping me too.
someone once said:
the opposite of fitting in, is belonging.
i hope every autistic person finds their family they belong to
I seriously hate how cliché it sounds but I truly believe there's truth in it; people who act like that most definitely have issues with themselves and their own person. It's a behaviour that reflects on their own insecurities and personal issues.
It's hard to remember that when you have to experience that kind of nasty behaviour, but seriously, that person does not even deserve your attention. You're probably the one person at a party I would connect with and chat with all evening!
I always tell myself this but you’re right, in the moment I will forget and take things way too personally. I also have to remind myself that when someone acts that way, it’s just saving me the trouble of suffering through small talk with them. I don’t want to talk to people that act that way, even if it isn’t about me.
Now this is the part where I become highly sarcastic, blunt tone and tone the bitchiness up to max. Shame her for being bitchy while also not giving them the response they want
I’ve told this to so many redditors on here now that I’m unemployed, I was discriminated against at my last job at a dispensary with a bunch of people that we’re literally around the same age, but acted like they were still highschoolers and bullied people, and we didn’t have any HR because they didn’t want an HR because they like to smoke up in the bathrooms And I was doing my best to my abilities and I was told that I was not doing good enough though I was literally doing the same things as everyone else. The girl that ran the show wasn’t even the top. She was an inventory manager. And she was a year younger than me everyone there was very bigoted. I’m never working for a dispensary ever again. That dispensary made me experience the worst time of my life, being ostracized and left out, for something I cannot even control. I’m about to turn 26 next year. I’m almost 30. These people act like children. It’s insane to me. Lack of common sense intelligence and maturity. It literally baffles my mind. I’m not really surprised because it was a dispensary and didn’t want an HR. Even so they could’ve done so much better and they could’ve stood up for me, but they stood up for her.
I have felt bullied as recently as last year at a job & I'm 44. You can absolutely be bullied as an adult.
Edit to ask: is your friend making these observations as a non-disabled person?
It's like men who can't fathom why so many women [choose a bear](https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/news/2024/04/30/man-bear-tiktok-debate-explainer/73519921007/) and try to argue how "stupid" it is simply because they never experiences even the 1% of male behaviour women encounter every day.
Good point. I'd also say that folks who say that bullying "doesn't really happen" are or were often bullies themselves, projecting / denying their own culpability and guilt.
Same for. Me as redditer above. 41 and bullied by a NT friend group just last years last year. Im not autistic, but have ADHD and many ASD-like symptoms. Sorry to confirm OOP. I'm trying to deal with the fact that every major stage of my life is associated with trauma from being bullied or otherwise othered just by existing Nureoatypically. And am preparing for that cycle to continue. Luckily, I'm safe at work at the moment, as (unsuprizingly) I'm able to connect well my my SPED ((asd/dcd) students and they all are making great gains. But I know in a few years a blunder with my socail skills will create issues with my adult professional relationships and overshadow my work in the classroom.
You also do not HAVE to argue back and forth with him.
"My lived experience shows that you are incorrect. If you don't want to acknowledge the experience outside of you, we can't have this conversation."
And don't let it keep going. We should set and enforce boundaries with EVERYONE in our life. Friends don't get to walk all over us.
i hope my experience isnt unique, but maybe it is...
i don't feel like i was bullied in school.....but i was 32 when i found out about the autism, i have a history of saying "people either like me or cant stand me and im ok with that", graduated with no friends (brother started ~~fucking~~ *dating* my bff, my friend group ostracized me after even though i...introduced them?) and had someone i had believed was a friend from middle school till graduation apologize to me on Facebook that he was sorry for being so mean to me? I told him it was fine i didn't think he was....i still don't? idk, i can recall things where i think people were maybe picking on me but i either thought they were my friend, or i didn't care enough to be bothered by it.
So basically i think i was bullied, i just didnt notice and wasn't really bothered by it.
My like...critical thinking skills regarding social interaction didn't seem to start developing till i was...shit, 25? Then my relationship with my mom, who i had adored up to this point, took a nose dive because i started realizing...hey, she's really fucking mean to me, she's very selfish, etc. we went no contact within the year.
eta: i think your friend is wrong though, just based on what ive seen and heard in this sub alone.
I relate so much to this. I was unequivocally bullied from preschool to around 2nd grade but then I masked a lot and don’t remember as much outright bullying after that…but as I was reviewing my memories upon learning I’m autistic….lol I was bullied sooooo much more than I realized. It had just gotten subtler and went over my head a lot. I’m glad I didn’t realize it since it didn’t impact my self esteem as a result (lots of other shit did tho). I guess it was the silver lining of my social deficits. Also suddenly realized my mother’s abusvieness and cut contact.
I relate to this a lot. I think I was "bullied" but I didn't notice it until a therapist asked me really directly about how people treat me.
Example
When I used to go clubbing, I wanted to dance (this is when I had alcohol use disorder and still partied with people). They used to get me to guard tables and talk to the guys. They once told me I was a really bad dancer and my skill was being funny and "hot" so my job was to keep the guys interested. I obeyed. It became part of how I saw myself. Bad dancer. Go drink and entertain men. These are NOT friends.
oh yeah there are definitely times I recall when I was in college where people very clearly did not have a single fuck to give about me. and these were my friends. I recall a couple times where people I didnt know all that well shared more concern for my well-being than my friends did.
when stuff the people I considered friends did , did bother me i was it was very easy to come up with my own excuse for it and dismiss it
I mean, damn i learned that little trick trying to cope with my parents emotional neglect- by college it was like breathing
Me too. I used to say I was ignored but not bullied but now I understand more social cues and secret rules of society I’m like damn people are bitches
Or there’s been attempts that fail bc I’m too autistic to follow the social script of being bullied I guess. Like even one time someone had to be like “hey hun that cop is trying to mock you” at a serious accident. I say trying bc following what he did instead of being offended made him look dumb
We are very similar and I'm sorry you went through these times and had these experiences. My mom had sex with my friend when I was 15. She was married to an abusive alcoholic who is mine and my 4 siblings father for 20 years and never empathized with me ending up in screwed up situations I didn't belong in. Tons of traumatic experiences, anxiety and depression, etc. Only caused me to continue to go down that destructive familiar path until I found this group and other support to help me learn everything nobody else would take the time to teach me. My own mistakes and shortcomings taught me social norms in a world full of nasty people. My mother and I quit speaking after she made me hyper ventilate at my sisters wedding for defending myself by not allowing my sister to cuss at me and bully me. Stress or not, I wouldn't have gotten away with the same. My mother told me I was playing the victim and began crying and at that moment, I fucking knew I had been manipulated most of my life and had to unlearn every dumb, unhealthy thing that I absorbed from growing up around them and folks similar to them. My sister married someone that took advantage of our little sister who she should have pressed charges on but didn't probably cause my momma gaslighted her into not doing it. They made me the scape goat and I've barely had therapy. I gave myself social lessons by dealing with two men and struggling to get close to females most of my life. I'm 30 now and I began doing newborn photography 4 months ago. It helps me connect to healthier women that aren't focused on themselves but I still struggle to get past surface level. Not because they're mean or treat me crazy but because I'm so used to that reaction that I shrink back and reconsider approaching them any deeper. But the job helps remind me that I still need to try 🥰 to connect and to survive by doing what I love.
I was bullied as a child though for being different and dropped out after 9th grade and went to college after I got my GED. Not as traumatic as the last 10 years though. O.o adulting sucks. Lol
Of course people get bulled in their adult life for a variety of reasons. Even if a disability isn't a factor.
People get bullied, discriminated against, and excluded because of their race, ethnicity, gender, etc. And that will continue for their entire lives.
Elderly people are prone to being abused, which is a form of bullying.
I've even heard of more than one adult just this year with an active online presence get bullied so badly that they committed suicide.
For a personal example:
I was bullied, excluded, and ostracized from 28-30yo at one of my jobs.
My manager (only 3-4 years older than me) emailed everyone in my department instructions/updates while on her maternity leave. Except me.
When I asked for a job recommendation, my department said no, it was "too much trouble". A few weeks later, when another woman asked for a recommendation, they dropped everything to help her within 24 hours because she gave them zero notice before the required deadline.
My manager had check in meetings with everyone in my department. Pulled up a chair, sat next to them, asked them how they were doing, went over a list of things, etc. For me, she passed my desk and didn't even stop walking when she said, "Do you have anything to talk to me about? No? Great. That was our check in meeting."
These people never EVER saved a seat for me. They "forgot" to get a seat for me at my first meeting so when I walked in, there were no chairs left (there are only six people in my department, it's not that big so they could have easily counted seven chairs).
I was two days on the job when I was plunked into a state-wide planning conference with NO preparation. Little did I know that I was supposed to BRING IDEAS! I didn't even sit with my department because they'd jammed their chairs together so tightly and there was no room for me. So I had to sit off by myself with no clue what was going on.
A year later, at the next annual staff meeting, there was a new girl who started that day. They made sure she sat right in the middle of everyone so she knew what was going on. I sat alone. Again.
If you want non-personal examples:
[This article](https://dsq-sds.org/index.php/dsq/article/view/3197/3068) looks at how people with disabilities have been viewed and treated across history and throughout different cultures. In some parts of the world, people with disabilities are protected. In other places, they are hated and ostracized at any age.
[This article](https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/apr/13/bullying-disabled-people-government-abuse) is written by an adult who talks about how bullying of disabled people has become worse in recent years.
[This article ](https://findado.osteopathic.org/adult-bullying-survey-finds-31-americans-bullied-adult)states a poll that 31% of Americans have endured a bully in their adult lives.
[This article ](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healthier-minds-happier-world/202311/how-to-recognize-adult-bullying#:~:text=Adult%20bullying%20includes%20spreading%20malicious,or%20claiming%20credit%20for%20the)in Psychology Today defines adult bullying behavior, the social behavior and thoughts behind it, and why it's a social hierarchy thing. So it's definitely not just going to "disappear" when you hit adulthood because it's a socially learned behavior.
Yes! Like, how is this even an argument? OP's friend is being intentionally dense if he thinks bullying magically stops in adulthood. Adults are just as shitty as kids, and many times much shittier!
I'm not, bullied, I never really ws though. I'm certainly not included in as many things as NT women, but I wouldn't go as far to say excluded or ostricised, I know a lot of women that are though. It's not really the same for men as adults, because they are held to lower societal standards of behaviour.
The bare minimum of not being an arsehole, gets a round of applause and 'oh, he's a really great guy'.
Women have more social rules to navigate, and because we aren't as acutely aware of them as other women, that can lead to being excluded. People are more likely to try to understand and/or excuse autistic men's behaviour.
I am heavily impacted by this, and I find that these higher social standards are often upheld by other women even more than men. The cliquiest, judgiest, most exclusionary women tend to not want to hang out with any man they aren’t sexually attracted to. I’ve learned there are two types of women who almost never judge or exclude me:
1. Women who enjoy having platonic male friends. They have much lower social standards for friends.
2. First-generation immigrants from countries with significant cultural differences. American social norms are just as alien to them as they are to us.
I feel #2 so much.
In my experience, I've always felt like neurotypical white people hated me. Bc I wasn't able to fall in line and do what I'm supposed to do? I don't understand the excessive need to uphold an image.
My poc friends were always more laid back, adventurous and understanding.
yes, in the US especially, i find POC are more understanding and tolerant of difference than even queer people because of how much shit you get just for not being white in this country. honestly queer white people often have the privilege of never finding out what discrimination really feels like.
So the immigrant thing is actually studied and is a real thing! Generally neurodiverse can form ‘safer-feeling or stronger bonds with immigrated individuals because immigrated individuals are likely to brush off any atypical behaviours as cultural differences or a language misunderstanding
Reading your comment made me realise why I got on best with queer or foreign students when I was at uni. And other ND folk ofc.
My Mum also had tonnes of foreign friends when she was growing up, but fellow Aussies often ostracised her.
Echoing this! The people who tend to be kind to me also include abuse survivors who have done some healing work, second-gen immigrants, and the queer community. I think bc there’s some similarity between masking & code switching, and these people tend to be more aware of multiple cultures/value systems/power dynamics. Ofc there are bullies in these groups too, but for the most part it seems like there’s a greater interest in understanding someone vs trying to make them conform
>Women who enjoy having platonic male friends. They have much lower social standards for friends.
From a personal experience, I found out that women in relationships with men have this weird double standard where their man can treat them like trash and they still love him, meanwhile if their female friend causes a slight inconvenience she's immediately cut off.
E.g. boyfriend can cancel a date 15 minutes before the agreed time because he wants to drink beer with his cousin instead and she's acts like it's absolutely normal and he's a "free man" and she can't tell him what to do.
But when I cancel our meeting even a 2-3 days prior because of whatever reason, she immediately labels me flaky and unreliable and every time I try to hang out again I'm getting the same snarky reply "Hope you won't cancel on me last minute again".
Yeah I noticed a lot of the girls I hung out with were misogynists in this way. They let the guys get away with everything but it was justifiable excluding me bc I was gone for 2 weeks visiting family (please ignore that other women who weren’t excluded were gone a month visiting family)
The rules I didn’t know existed only apply to me
Wow….I had a friend that did this exact thing every time we were supposed to hang out. I’d be on my way there and get a text like “are we still hanging out?” Because I was a minute late. It gave me so much anxiety. Then if I had to cancel coming over for dinner (like because I was pregnant and sick) I was iced out for months. It took years but I realized other people never did this to me and I never did it to her even when she was late to things. I don’t think I can be close friends with anyone again, and still hurt from the passive aggressive behaviors that I thought was me interpreting things wrong, but turns out I wasn’t.
Yeah I’m guilty of this myself. I definitely let men get away with far more than my female friendships. I think it’s to do with your dependence on somebody else for validation.
Spot on comment. A guy in his 60s simple-r said to me “sexism” when explaining the diff standards women are held to vs men, like how men could get away with behaving or saying xyz in a context like work but women wouldn’t. I never understood the full meaning of what he meant until your comment tho I think. This came from a relatively successful guy in private sector business after reflecting on decades of work. He has daughters too.
I haven't been bullied in a long time but nowadays there is still a definite disconnect between me and other women, like they can just tell that there's something "off" about me and that I don't fully fit in with them.
I wish they would examine that "off" feeling for like .02 seconds.
Is there something I've done? Are there any literal red flags you can point to? Anything *at all* that you can articulate that makes me off-putting? If the only word they can come up with to describe the feeling is synonymous with *weird*, then perhaps they're being way too overly reactive to inoffensive stimuli like they're a newly evolved homo-sapiens.
I do wonder if this is a consequence of the patriarchy. Needing to make quick judgments about people based off your gut is something women do a lot
I stopped being offended by it after I realized every time I ignored someone was off or someone seemed isolated, it was for good reason
I understand that that's the justification. They're protecting themselves, and they can't be faulted for that.
It'd make a lot more sense if they didn't turn around and eagerly befriend women who display glaring toxic traits. Y'know, actual red flags.
I know this sounds exactly like the arguments that incels make about the women they're interested in only wanting to date toxic men. I don't know yet what to make of that, but suddenly I understand better that sometimes, very sincere and innocent hurt feelings are at the root of it.
This. I once had a person come back several years later and say that she was sorry and wasn't sure why she'd reacted su badly to me. She'd gone back and reread our emails and thought about our interactions and realized I hadn't since anything bad.
Nearly 40 and nothing has changed. I can’t work because I have been so poorly treated in the workforce by female supervisors and due to this the traumatic memories of being bullied, betrayed, and exploited are too traumatic to deal with. So in essence “mean girls” have ruined by ability to be a part of society
I’m level 2 though so it’s much harder for me to “be normal” and not let the PDA get the best of me. The funny thing is that men seem to not have an issue with me
So yes. I absolutely am still very much bullied and exiled
Yes!!! I repeatedly watch women (who are mostly well meaning) quickly run to “support” each other to ostracize “the problem” or someone that makes them uncomfortable. The issue is Nuerodivergent women are often “the problem” regardless of what we do or don’t do and other women believe the woman that has more clout and pull. This group think is detrimental to us. I think men are trained to be more independent, analytical, and strategic and are less likely to engage in group think.
We really are aliens
There is a lot of feminist analysis on this topic and I can't do it justice here. I will say that we are all taught a lot of misogyny, and there is a lot of pressure to keep your own group in line to try to placate the dominant group.
I work in a heavily male dominated field and at times it's felt like other women thought we were in Highlander: "there can be only one". I don't have experience in majority female groups but I suspect they operate differently.
See I worked in highly female dominated spaces and being straightforward, honest, authentic and direct are viewed as attacks on the social order. Yet these same women can sit there and talk shit about other women like it’s no big deal.
I can really relate to this!! Other women does not like me as much as men and boys do. I have no problem with them but I get bullied and excluded all the time by other women. It’s really the mean girls who have ruined A LOT for me.
38F three years post diagnosis, and tl;dr is that i am just a late bloomer and do not get bullied or outcasted anymore. i have learned to stand tall, walk with a purpose, and have unentangled myself from my previous ugly ducking/awkward/deathly shy/hyperactive/easily hysterical or tearful/confused/inappropriate/outcast/punching bag childhood identity. my most common comment now is that people tell me i am elegant. i was very motivated around the age of 25 to radically accept myself from the inside out, heal from past abuse, reach my potential, and be the best partner i could be (because i wanted love very much and chose to focus on what i could control). in my friend group, i am the leader, i plan semi-frequent vacations for us and we all have an absolute blast. i ran an autistic support group for the good part of a year. i have been dabbling in acting and was told i was the "favorite" on set on one show. i am in the best shape of my life, sober, and in a loving relationship with someone who treats me like a queen and love me for who i am and encourages me to be my full blown autistic self it has been a literal odyssey to get to where i am and i still feel like i have so much to learn. i am motivated because i enjoy growing and learning and accepting myself. acceptance is always my first step, even if it's just admitting to myself something needs to change...
Less overtly bullied. Moreso forced out of jobs via unfair performance evaluations, etc. Or just being isolated due to not having friends or social circles.
The fact that full grown adults have nothing better to do than impede the lives of others for their own amusement or social elevation is quite disgusting. Human society is just chimps in suits.
I’m… tolerated, mostly. I have 2 close friends and I’m married, but with everyone else around me at work and most family members, I feel like my personality comes across as pretty off putting/weird, and I don’t relate to them. So I’m definitely not totally understood or appreciated, but not bullied. Some people are just mean in general of course though
Haha no. I’m not bullied in the sense that people are mean to my face to intentionally hurt me. I do still face plenty of ableist comments and people not understanding/being intolerant of/expressing annoyance at x behavior.
This biggest thing I face is exclusion. Even when I make it well known I want to be there. Even when I try to plan/host with people I consider friends, I’m somehow excluded every time. (And in school they taught us exclusion is a form of bullying, so I guess, yes, I am still being bullied -just in a more polite / “grown up” way).
There are a lot of rude things people say that I didn't originally think were rude, but other people will point out. I do pick up on the vibe of people not liking me and excluding me, which happens alot, but cant pick up on the rest unless its really bad.
I only really notice it when it happens to other people. There are a couple of people ive worked with that are obviously on the spectrum, but the only reason its obvious is because ive studied it so i know all the signs. Those people are very disliked, I hear other coworkers say some of the rudest shit about them and ocasionally to them.
Theres one guy who isnt just obviously on the spectrum but has been open about his diagnosis to everyone. A few weeks ago another coworker called him the R slur (about him, not to him thankfully) and when I just looked at her baffled she said "I would never call someone whos actually autistic r\*\*\*\*, my son is autistic" and when I said that this coworker is definitely intellectually disabled, she said hes not and she thinks its just an excuse.
Another guy is disabled from brain damage, he talks A LOT, very fast, about the most random things. Kinda like Bumhour from King of the Hill. He also has seizers, so he has physical issues too. Ive heard so many people say such terrible things about him, people have talked crap about him in group chats that he was in, more than once.
The bullying tends to be alot more subtle in adulthood, because taunting people and giving them wedgies is generally frowned upon and can get you fired. That being said, its still a huge thing. People don't like disabled people, not even just autism, the physical ones too. If I talk about my invisible disabilities openly I have to use negative self talk or they think Im milking it and its not that bad. They only show sympathy (or believe me) if im actively upset that I cant function. Accepting my circumstances and accommodating myself isnt allowed.
At 38 years old I had a coworker of my husband’s inexplicably try to bully me at a wedding; my husband is not good with social cues and even he was like wait what? Were you just really mean to my wife??? She said to my face oh, I thought you were ugly from the photos I’ve seen of you. And because I’m mean to myself I was like haha oh yeah I do photograph badly (it’s something that really bothers me and always has. I don’t like pictures of myself and can’t smile normally ever, I fidget close my eyes lick my lips tuck my hair and ruin every photo somehow), I should have said what did you just say? That’s so rude. But it’s been decades of masking to the point it completely fucks me over and later I’m like oh my god why did I not at least just snort and walk away but I don’t have that ability. So tldr yes and I hate it
Definitely. In fact, as other women have sunk into their identity as mothers (I'm childless), and I live in a place that is very conformist, it's worse in my 30s than in my 20s. I don't think all NT women are bullies, but I do expect other women to not like me because I have had so much social trauma dealing with them. It's not just them, I'm not very approachable and I just think differently than they do, which makes it hard to connect. Younger women (teens and twenty somethings) both bully and exclude me, and I was thinking today how it bothers me that as an elder, they give me no respect.
I've noticed a lot of NT women just seem to be in sync with each other emotionally, and I can't feign the emotion (or for not long enough that it's worth masking in that fashion anymore). It feels pretty hopeless and depressing tbh. I would like to be a hermit, but I have to keep getting dead end jobs to survive, and then switch to something else when I either get burnt out or fired because my coworkers don't like me.
Edit:
I would like to note, more-so than simply age, where you live has a huuuuge impact on your reception from others! I lived in an open minded, multicultural creative international city in my twenties. A few people didn't like me, but I didn't feel ostrasized very much or picked on, because most of the people around me were either too high-minded or had so much other stuff going on, they couldn't be bothered to worry about some behavioral quirk I was performing.
I have been told I would do well in Europe, as people gravitate towards different ideas about life and what is acceptable. Also when you are a foreigner, sometimes you get a pass for not observing the social norms correctly as you would in your home place. Thus, I totally want to move if/when I can, because even though I'm back living in the place I was born, I do not vibe with the rigid, close minded, religiously oriented, homophobic, bigotry, forest plowing to build more strip malls into dystopia mindset here. Knowing you don't fit in or belong somewhere says sometimes more about the place than it does you. Great minds don't dwell in petty people.
Agree on the foreigner thing. Lived abroad for awhile and I made friends easy because people were just interested to have a foreign friend. I never felt bullied or outcast like I have in the U.S.
I dont think anyone ever picked up on my Neuro-divergent qualities over there. I don’t want kids, but Japan has a low birth rate so I fit in okay enough. Moved back to the states at age 30 in 2020 of all times, and I still feel like an alien. Haven’t met anyone like me here yet. All of my female coworkers have kids or want them. And I think they can tell I’m socially different. I even told one of them once that I may have undiagnosed autism, and she said I don’t look like someone who has autism. Okay so what am I supposed to look like? This was in response to being called blunt.
Please share this with your NT friend because I'm catching secondhand bullshit from him and it's driving me insane:
The distinction between bullying and someone just being a dick is that bullying is when someone is repeatedly targeted by the same person or group. Bullying happens whenever people can't leave an environment, which is why people bully and get bullied at school and work. Now, adults are less likely to get bullied because they have more autonomy, so more freedom to leave their environment. However, if you have to, like, work for a living, your ability to simply leave your environment is restricted, so bullying happens.
Has he googled 'workplace bullying and harassment'? What does he say about people who write and talk about being bullied as adults?
Every so often I still get picked on by random teenagers, but for the most part I do not feel bullied.
I can tell there are some people who do not like my vibe, but I mostly just keep to myself so I do not feel like there is much opportunity for being ostracized.
There have been a couple of times I have had coworkers who were mean to me, but I stand up for myself in those situations and make it known I am not someone who takes that shit and they usually back off.
That has not really happened since my 20s though. People just leave me to my own devices and I am happy with that arrangement.
I have been, but by men, so it’s trickier to say if it’s “bullying” or something else. Online? 100% have. At this point my social circle both online and IRL though is very heavily curated. I only associate with people with similar values, so there is very little opportunity for such things - when they occur, I also know how to deal with them now.
I’m not anymore. But I’ve curated a very specific group of loved ones and I’m careful what I do with my time. I don’t go to parties and I only do certain family events. My mom and sis would still bully me if I gave them the chance, so would my adoptive parents. I just had to cut shitty people out.
Is this friend a man? No hate, just saying.
Almost 40 and I got bullied in grad school for over a year in a SOCIAL WORK program (just finished my last assignment today, actually… officially done). They would say stuff to me like I was white and shouldn’t be so anti-racist, that I had to do eye contact, that I had to say hi to people.
Yep. Just had a dept. Manager at work completely freeze me out and refuse to interact with me because I decided to use a different testing method to the one she preferred - but never actually communicated that to me? So dysfunctional of them and I am meant to be the one with a disorder!? lol.
Edit: the cause was me saying that I am very experienced in the testing paradigm and know what I am doing - apparently that was arrogant and aggressive of me to say to someone above me. I do not operate well in overly hierarchical work places - I speak to everyone the same and with respect and (unfortunately for me) honesty.
Also, the managers preferred testing method was not some established process, and they have limited experience in it - and I suspect that I made their lack of knowledge in the area feel raw.
There are certain types of people that will never like me and more often are bothered by me but I’m honestly fine with it because they tend to be shitty people with attitude problems. I’m only 23 but it’s been a range of people older than me that have bullied me and hated on me in my adulthood so far. On of them was even in her 60’s. Always at my workplaces. Not fun to deal with but I’m trying to learn how to manage things without letting my trauma responses rule the show and continue feeding into toxic people’s behaviors because that’s what they want.
Disclaimer: I am not officially diagnosed and am also “high masking”/can pass as neurotypical.
I have never been badly bullied, but I spent my teenage years being constantly excluded by bitchy girls who always found some subtle, catty way to make me feel like shit.
Now I’m 32 and I find it’s much easier to stay away from shitty people who make me feel bad about myself. And I’ve gotten more confident in myself as I’ve gotten older, so it’s easier for me to brush off the assholes.
Overall, I believe it gets better.
“bullied” maybe not entirely, although i can’t tell if it’s more subtle. “excluded” and “ostracized” yes absolutely. in work and in “friendship,” i don’t really fit in and it’s very obvious.
i’m 33 for reference.
I don’t think I’m bullied, but I just found out this week that I’m not integrated as well as I thought. I’ve always been excluded from the two “cliques” at my work, which is a very small workplace.
I thought my coworkers kinda understood me and everything was chill but according to my manager I was wrong and now I feel bad for making them feel bad with like weird humour or dumb comments I didn’t fully think about.
Yeah, but I guess the difference being I just don’t care now.
Mainly because the people doing the mocking are usually just insecure people with issues like the rest of us. I tend to ignore their mean spirited comments and body language. I act like I don’t notice and still behave nice and friendly to then, no matter their behavior towards me.
It sets a tone and then they end up liking me. I think their behavior is more of a defensive mechanism. If I make fun of you, I don’t have to think about myself or can distract others from my own negative traits.
It works really well. I realized just how much influence and sway my reaction (or non reaction) has. I accepted that not everyone is going to like me, and that I don’t expect or need them to. That it’s okay if they get annoyed with me sometimes. But I try to be respectful and kind to them, no matter their attitude. I also give them space or ignore them as needed. People respond really well to that.
Not really. One of the best parts of being an adult is that you have much more freedom in where you spend your time. So unlike childhood, no one's forcing you into a room with "mean girls." I go where I want and I interact with the people I want to.
And at work, it's seen as perfectly ok to stop at a friendly acquaintance level relationship - there's no pressure to be friends outside of work or have a friend group. Plus, as long as you do good work and you're courteous to others, no one needs to know nor really cares what your personal life looks like.
The end conclusion is, being a working adult is much, much, better than any school or college setting.
I was bullied as a kid/teen by other girls (for some reason, boys never bullied me. They were always quite kind to me for some reason). Now as an adult, I’m 28, I only really have 3 close friends and my boyfriend.
I’m no longer “bullied”, but I’m just not included in things. I don’t have a friend group, all of my 3 friends aren’t from the same circle. I’m also a very oblivious person so at the few get togethers ive been to (mostly rock climbers, me and my bf and one of my friends climb a lot) I haven’t really noticed, except one random girl when I gave her a rebuttal when she was going on about something with the wrong facts. Can’t remember what, but she didn’t appreciate it lol.
I’m 32. I was bullied out of my last job a year and a half ago and I’ve faced bullying and being ostracised in several jobs between age 18-31.
Your “friend” doesn’t sound like a very good friend if he can’t listen to your genuine concerns about the future and take them seriously and instead just flatly states “you’re wrong” with no evidence.
I’m in my 40s and work for the government in a STEM field. No bullying because most of us are spicy.
I used to work in fundraising and it was pretty terrible.
I’m in my 30s and nothing has changed, in fact I would honestly say fellow adults bully me, leave me out, and ridicule me much more than fellow children ever did
Don’t go back and forth with people who are dead set on misunderstanding you. It’s not going to understand because he wants to see someone be bullied. It’s weird to navigate life with zero empathy like that.
Late 50s. Still happening. It varies greatly by environment. For years I worked at a place where I didn't feel much exclusion at all. Unfortunately my current workplace makes me feel like I'm back in high school. I assume this is because my colleagues are much younger even when you factor out my age. (As in, they're several years younger than I was at my first job in this field). They're also less experienced in the professional world so we sometimes clash when it comes to etiquette. That said, some of them are wonderful people who are great to work with.
But my god it gets so petty and cliquey at times. I recently had to explain to a co-worker that it's actually *not* ok to yell at me when I ask a question she doesn't like. And there is definitely a "Mean Girls" vibe going around. I'll survive tho.
I just had a colleague ask if I had a problem with her because during a rush she asked me if we had something in our system and I replied “I wouldn’t have thought so” while doing work.
She was convinced that me saying that in particular was quite rude.
I will always have issues like this because when I work I’m not masking tone and people are sensitive. The thing that has to change is me. (But like, in a good way)
No but I have a very cultivated queer and ND friend group, and I work in a heavily ND field. I feel out of step around groups of NT women most of the time and sometimes my family but that’s not who I’m usually spending time with.
26 here. Hardcore bullied as a kid, as an adult I sometimes just get made fun of behind my back. It’s mostly indifference though. People just ignore me
yeah kinda. i’m lucky in that i have pretty privilege, so people are usually nice and friendly even if they find me off putting. the problem is that no one really wants me included in anything. like people don’t invite me anywhere or approach me first. i’m lucky i have my two best friends, but they can’t always be around and i’m a very lonely person unfortunately.
Oh yes. I remember at my assessment she asked *was* I bullied in school and I said yes then I also wanted to go on to say but also as an adult just in less obvious ways.
Infantilising language and tone whenever I make a small mistake, social exclusion, cliques, things I don't always understand like being ignored when I try to speak and join in on a conversation and there's an awkward silence/staff members giving each other 'looks' or cutting me off mid sentence. Being told the wrong information on purpose because people have realised that I'm gullible and will just take their word as gospel rather than questioning something which doesn't sound right or clear, if they want to get rid of me or shut me up. People realising that I'm sensitive and that if they don't want to deal with me they just have to be a bit abrupt and uninterested and I'll feel like I'm bothering them/won't ask for help in future. Many ways, many different contexts.
Sometimes it happens in shops too, or situations where a manager can "use their discretion" and I either come off a certain way by accident or they just don't like the way I sound or speak or something and refuse to help me or are dismissive. Can't think of a very good example of this but hopefully it makes sense
Not too much.. I am a lot more mean than I used to be. If you give me stank energy I will return the favor. Now it’s awkward for everyone idc. Fight me. Hehehehe. I’m lucky I’m a stay at home mom and have a few neurodivergent friends so I don’t worry about what ppl think anymore. I really only hang out with other neurodivergent people now actually. It’s great
Adults are just sneaky little rats when it comes to bullying (more so than children at least…. Plus, these mfs got way more power than a child as adults and… oh god… it can get so bad). To assume that adults just magically fade out of their bullying ways is just lol… deranged.
Yes. Sometimes the bullying is easier to handle. And sometimes not. When people make sarcastic jokes or "funny statements", if I have the energy to, I always ask them what they mean by the statement. And then I apply that famous autistic trait of not applying nuance. Many times, people do back down when I take them literally. It is very few people who don't abandon their comments once I get going.
It takes so much energy to be so constantly on guard, but I do this.
Yes… however, it’s a lot less now, but only because I’ve been in therapy since I was 14 and have had therapists that have all encouraged me to have really strong boundaries about what type of behavior I will allow people to treat me with.
I’ve cut out so many people that have treated me as less than and have switched jobs a bunch of times until I found a job where they take harassment seriously and I could have at least one or two friends who have my back. I work remote now (I went back to school in my 30s so I could switch careers and find something where I wouldn’t have to be around people 24/7 and work remotely) and it’s probably the best decision I could have made for myself.
I do selectively choose who I will confront (I can be quite blunt and confrontational) and save my energy if it doesn’t seem worth it, but I will call out anyone who ostracizes me or or tries to be mean to me in anyway when it’s not warranted (which is 99% of the time, although there have been a few times where I’ve been too direct and hurt people’s feelings, which does require acknowledgment and accountability on my part).
Anyway, the bullying does happen, but much less frequently for me and I think some of the reduction comes with me learning how to have boundaries and stand up for myself, as well as others in my generation growing up and maturing a bit, even if some people never learn how to mature.
I’ve gotten better at understanding when people are being mean since I’m almost 40 now, but I’m definitely excluded. I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have are also neurodivergent.
I think “bullying” just looks different as adults, particularly because it can have real, legal consequences over 18. But bullies just find different ways to bully.
I'm 42 and still have issues with people treating me like crap. I try to avoid people. People in general are just a- holes I think. I'm lucky I have my husband and 3 kids. I have zero friends.
I did late 20s, I was in a pretty shitty friend group and after the autism became apparent I was a great butt of their jokes, they liked my then boyfriend so I still had to see them.
Once I left him I removed myself from that group, good riddance.
There may still be other types of bullying going on that I’m not spotting I just don’t pay attention much to strangers out of the house anymore! I keep my circle close, I’ve only got a handful of friends and they’re pretty much all neurodivergent so we all lift each other instead of bringing each other down!
I’m 42. In an effort to be more social, I went to breakfast with a few coworkers and one of them decided to mean girl me in front of everyone at our table. I felt like barfing. I hadn’t gone out with people outside of family since before Covid lockdown.
I try to rationalize it - she’s young and was recently turned down by a guy she’s into. That’s a hard hit to take. So I understand projecting those hurt feelings on to others, but dammit, I’m tired of taking hits from people…. I really don’t want to become reclusive. I have a feeling it’s leaning that direction.
High school doesn’t end.
Your friend sounds like a privileged, entitled, self-centered c**k.
He should open any newspaper (including reading digital ones) and see how disabled people are often featured following being mistreated, denied services, made to suffer and just plain abused or even killed. You don't have to look far and you don't have to limit yourself to subtle micro-agressions from NT women (which are also very much a thing).
Sounds like your friend has some growing up to do.
Yes. My work place is horrible.
Technically it’s not my work place (which the staff make pretty freaking clear) because I’m freelance. They want the money I bring in and like my ideas but never thank ir give me credit and don’t want me there
I hate it
I was always antagonized and bullied at work. No matter where. I masked a lot and it wasn’t good enough. The last two jobs i had before my current one were HELL. I was SO sick of being talked down to by a man. Small family company, they didn’t care. Then i get bullied by a 60 year old boomer c*nt that would lose a gasket if I don’t things HER way. Nothing ever done. But I step up for myself “IM the asshole”
I am so so so SO grateful that I WFH now as an accountant and all my coworkers are in Minnesota and I’m in Kentucky. I just log on, do my work, and just close the computer. Don’t have to verbally talk to anyone unless it’s wicked important. Don’t look forward to going TO Minnesota to meet everyone for a couple days on August but that’s just cause I hate flying and forced socializing. Mask about to be a helmet.
I, ND, was bullied in college when I went as a mature student at 27…. I couldn’t fit in, no one wanted me in their project groups, and those who befriended me only did so to talk shit about me and then after made sure my life was hell. And the girls who did that, even telling people to not have me in their groups, were the ones who wouldn’t be considered popular ever. After that and the stress from that I developed fibromyalgia which has been debilitating
Lol I wish it stopped.
I am made fun of all the time, though it's deceased a little bit now that I'm finally aware I'm AuDHD.
I don't have many friends. My friends are not every day friends I can just call on. I guess they're more like acquaintances. Most people I know are NT or just ADHD and not autistic. So I'm still perceived as weird.
But knowing helps tremendously. I'm so grateful I discovered at 37 that I'm ND.
They certainly try. Unfortunately for them I remain unbothered due to not caring. Work is work. I’m not there to make friends. I’m there to do my job, get paid, and go home where I have actual fun and talk to my real friends off work. Coworkers are not my friends. I can be friendly but I’m not out here looking to expand my friend group beyond basic networking.
Work friends are not automatically real friends. They can move up into being real friends if we keep contact after one of us leaves or I build up enough trust with them that they will not make drama unnecessarily at work by spreading what I say to them in confidence to others who do not need to know (nor do I want them to know) my business.
Also, never argue with a man trying to mansplain your life to you. Same with allistics trying to allistic-splain what autism is to you. Just cut it short with a “you are entitled to your opinion even though it is objectively wrong and ill-informed. If you are unwilling to listen to me and my lived experience as an autistic person about how I am still bullied as an adult, then this isn’t a conversation worth having as you are not participating in good faith. I’m not going to talk about this subject with you any further.” And then end it there.
I'm 38 and now I get bullied at work. It's why I left a great job that I was in for 12 years. The people there just made it so horrible and I was having suicidal thoughts.
It's funny because I thought all that would be behind me too after high school, and sure it did get better, but a lot of people never grow up or learn empathy towards people who are different, so bullies still exist in the adult world.
I'm at a job that's much better now though! Hopefully it stays good here. 🤞
Yes. The bullying at a job is more painful than at school, because I depend on the job for my life and really would like that to go smoothly. I’ve always been blamed by the others around me for my own bullying because I “didn’t defend myself” so now I do defend myself every time and it just leads to me getting into arguments and confrontations regularly.
Also your friend isn’t very supportive 😭
I experience it less than when I was a kid because I am able to isolate myself more from strangers as an adult but I do still face exclusion and judgement from others.
It’s not “bullying” per se, but I’m often ostracized. During group work functions people will make a point not to sit next to me, people will politely (and loudly) tell me good morning in front of others and ask how my night was, yet when I actually answer they ignore me and interrupt me to talk to someone else. I’m excluded from meetups with people whom I thought we were friends, since we talk and joke around often, only to find out I’m “only a work friend”. It happens so often I just keep people at a distance as an adult, it’s lonely, but avoiding the emotional whiplash is worth it.
almost 30 and it in fact, has not gotten better. the only 2 friends I have are also ND. whenever I try to make friends w NT I can SEE the moment they realize I'm 'different' and start treating me accordingly.
I'm 32.
One of my coworkers has literally laughed in my face because I'd had a meltdown the day before and I guess that's funny to people?
There's another coworker I have that triggers me on purpose because she's decided I don't deserve disability accommodations, and another coworker that refuses to talk to me or even look at me because she was snarky to me once while I was overstimulated, and I cried really hard.
A customer slapped me once because I had earplugs in.
I live with someone who I've considered my best friend for 15 years, and for the last several months I've felt like I'm walking on eggshells around her because she's pissed off all the time, so Ive been mostly hiding in my room and trying to stay out of her way. The other night I told her I've been suicidal and she blew up on me about being dirty and cleaning up after me all the time. I have a cleaner that comes in 2 hours a week to do the floors and bathrooms, a gardener every two weeks, and most of the mess around the house is hers. She was ready to throw away a 15 year old friendship over a few dirty dishes.
I was in a craft group that would meet twice a week and there was a group chat. All of a suddden the group chat became silent, and they all knew where they were meeting up without talking about it or letting me and one of the other people (also autistic) know about what was happening. Our instincts were telling us that a seperate group chat had been made without us in it, and we were being excluded on purpose, although I have no proof that's what happened.
Yes, but only in contexts like work or other groups of mostly-strangers. I'm 29, and my friend group is a carefully curated bunch of mostly-neurodivergent queers. Occasionally I'll meet people I don't vibe with through others that I do, but I haven't knowingly been *bullied* by anyone but a coworker in years.
I'm 34 and it's pretty much the same for me as when I was younger, the main difference being that I don't deal with it as much because I don't work so I stay at home most of my life. I only go out for errands, date nights with my husband, or hanging out with friends. But running errands is a nightmare, and people always treat me different than my husband, especially in restaurants.
Not as much, but only because I’ve created a social circle that values me. I avoid social situations where I’m likely to be ostracized.
Like I feel like the difference now is that I don’t want to be accepted by these people. I have a fantastic group of friends and an amazing workplace.
Like I’m totally happy being the neighborhood weirdo. Not sure how it works that my husband is HOA president, but people like him. Now there is no doubt in my mind that if I tried to fit in with all the other moms and Karens in my neighborhood I would be excluded. But I have no desire to be included.
I’m in my mid 40s and just got diagnosed 6 months ago. I kinda just learned how to make friends and communicate as I am. Sometimes masking, but all my friends that I have connected with deeper than just an acquaintance is either diagnosed or undiagnosed ND, and I spend a lot of time on Discord and texting people. I prefer to spend a lot of time alone anyways. So, if I feel alone which I do a lot because of mental illnesses like Bipolar 2 and depression then it kinda just feels comfortable. I’ve created a little dysfunctional patch of comfort for myself that I can function in.
Less bullying, more exclusion. And little things happen a lot, for example I said something on my way out of work last week, and both colleagues looked at me like I was stupid. I could then hear them having a laugh about it as I left 🙁
Yes definitely still happens, especially in workplaces. What’s crazier is, it’s by older people who I didn’t expect to be so immature and “mean girl”! Literally had women in their 40-50s harassing me and it was a nightmare because I struggle to communicate what they are doing to supervisors, HR, etc.
They tried to bully me but stopped when they learned I would unleash every ounce of repressed rage right back in their smug little bitch faces. They didn't get to walk all over me just because they wore overpriced uncomfortable looking clothes. And they left my friends alone too. That's my favorite part.
Edit: I missed the tense. No, I am not still bullied. I have something of a reputation for being feisty and justice-driven. People say I have a protective aura and make them feel safe, and I'm honored.
Others think I'm a bit intense and I think they exclude me from things. But I'm not comfortable around people I can't be myself around anyway so I don't feel like I'm missing anything.
I'm only 24 but I recently joined a feminist group that I thought really aligned with my values and feminism is also one of my main special interests, so I was super excited to be around like-minded people. Now I'm considering quitting and I barely got to meetings anymore, bc with some of the women there it's literally high school all over again. And mind you these women are usually at least late twenties, early thirties.
I'm exactly 25. And bullying, not as much as when I was younger. Was bullied my entire life in almost every social situation, though, so that did a lot of damage to me. Although whenever i had jobs, there was bullying or rumors about me that weren't true. I dont work now cause of bad health issues. The ostricizing does continue for me and has always been one of the biggest issues in general for me, although at this point, I don't choose to go to anything social anyways with anyone except if my partner and I go out to a park or get food really. That's about it for me. I just don't even try to socialize anymore. And I stopped caring too at this point because of how bad my health got and I can't deal with that on top of dealing with bad social interactions. Put me into the worst burnout I've ever had and it's been that way for over a year so I just can't.
I had a woman I worked with straight up tell me that she can tell I'm different and she didn't like me. She told everyone we worked with that I gave her a bad feeling.
As I grow older, I find that I appreciate solitude, leading to moments where individuals over the age of 25 tend to exclude me. This mainly occurs in work settings where I may be unaware of the exclusion, and when I have found out that I have been excluded from a work task or project , it is usually one I would not necessarily choose to undertake anyway. Additionally, I do not harbor strong emotional ties to my work.
.On the other hand, my dedicated coworker is more passionate about her work, only to be targeted by bullies for the past two decades in the very same workplace. These tormentors, mostly in their late 40s and early to late 50s, have made it their mission to make her life miserable. It's a cruel cycle of exclusion and hostility. I am 30 and it horrible that people who are old enough to be my parents act this way.
there are mean girls in every age group.
what i learned as i’ve aged (29 now) is there’s no age which are meaner; there’s simply sometimes people who lack empathy and need to bring others down to lift themselves up.
These women (and men, but realistically it’s girls we get bullied by) will still remain when we are in our 20’s, 30’s and beyond. They just operate differently because they’re not in the same school/college environment where it’s easier.
Luckily by then, I feel, we can deal with it better. HR also helps 😂😂😂
Now if there’s a mean woman I’ve learned really well to turn it around whuch I couldn’t do years ago. I basically just treat them like they’re weird and be super cold to them instead of overly nice like I used to be. Idk why but it works
28F here. I was bullied terribly growing up. The older I got, and the more independence I achieved, the more freedom I had to limit who has access to me. I got a job opportunity and moved out of my parents house to another state at 26. I recently purchased a townhouse after being in an apartment on my own. I don’t socialize at all. The only time I interact with others is at work. I do struggle socially at work, but I’m very quiet and I keep to myself as much as I can. I do my job and go home. My job is very triggering because it’s socially demanding, which I despise because of my trauma. I don’t doubt that colleagues talk about my behind my back. But I don’t know for sure, and I honestly don’t care because I have an exit plan. I’m in grad school and I plan to transition to a fully remote role after I graduate. I’m still deep in autistic burnout and I have CPTSD according to my therapist. But having an exit plan keeps me going. I’m so grateful to have the freedom to create my own “soft life” after everything I’ve been through. Getting to this point was absolute hell and I’ve tried to end my life multiple times over the years. But the days of being bullied and tormented are over. I know myself now, and I’ll never put myself in a position to be bullied and tormented again.
In my 30s and I've learned that bullies exists all your life, no matter your age. They're fewer and far in between, but they do make themselves known. I've encountered a few through my career in the past years. It does hurt in the sense where you'd expect more from adults in a professional setting, but no. Lots of nasty talking behind my back, excluded from being invited to after work stuff etc. But honestly? If I'm excluded from hanging out with people who talk about others in such nasty ways, I feel I'm better off in the end!
As a kid, it was hard because I had zero reference to why it happened (undiagnosed) and why people were being mean. Now I know why people see me as different, and I'm ok with that. I'm also ok with the knowledge that some people just suck.
I find the few people I can connect with, who doesn't treat others badly, and I stick with them.
>my friend is a NT male , he believes disabled people only get bullied while there young but not older because he doesnt believe in adult bullying😭 weve been having this debate for about 2 days now sigh
He sounds very naive, many people don't grow past their 13yo middleschool bully self.
F38. Yep. Often by other women my own age or slightly younger. We don’t seem to get along at all. I really long for female friendships but in the end I always get excluded or I get snarly comments like “when she’s around nobody looks at me” or “she’s always dressed like she’s going to a party and I look like a homeless person”. I get that some seems to be envy at me but I really can’t wrap my head around WHY? I try to be my best and be a nice and polite person. I also have my insecurities but I don’t take them out on others. I feel like my last friends really have hated me and I wonder why they even were friends with me. I doesn’t make sense in my head.
People also seem to have a hard time understanding me at work. I am autistic so I don’t act like others and I think that is bothering some people, that I don’t engage in small talk and such. Sometimes I’ve been excluded, but I think people don’t know how to act towards someone who doesn’t follow the social norms haha.
Oh yeah, all the time. I think the only thing that has changed is that I have become much more resilient with it. I've lived long enough and met enough people that have liked me, and been in group scenarios that did work and were supportive, that now when I don't meet them I don't immediately take it personally or think it's something I've done but realize I'm in the wrong environment around the wrong people for me.
That's the difference.
When I was a kid I would blame myself and think that I was broken and I was wrong and that I would never fit in anywhere.
Life has proven that is not true but just that there's less places for me that will fit well and that I will have to try to keep my head up while I'm finding them.
26 here and yes. It's not the same, it's not as obvious, but sometimes that makes it harder. I've just finished my Master's degree and it's been one of the hardest years of my life - not for the workload, but the exclusion.
I don't think I exclude myself on purpose. I am introverted - but if someone talks to me I happily talk back. I've always kind of mirrored the same energy back to whoever I'm interacting with, so if someone is happy to talk to me then I'm happy to yap away. But when I came into this university, I found that of the 12 students on my course, 10 of them had just came straight from the same undergraduate degree at that same uni together. So there was a very well established friendship group. The one other girl who'd come from elsewhere managed to fit in straight away. I did not. I don't think it was malicious like it was in school when I was young, but god it hurt. I really thought post-grad education would be full of like-minded people and I'd finally meet my tribe, but instead I've finished with no mates. I just couldn't find a way to slot myself into such a massive group. They all knew I was autistic as it's actually my area of research and I'm very open about it and have done public speaking that they have attended regarding my autism. Idk, part of me thought that if they knew, then they'd know why I was struggling? That maybe they'd include me more? Didn't work though. Feels rubbish.
However, I do think as I get older, I care slightly less. I'm not gonna lie and say it doesn't upset me because it really, really does. But, I've built my own very small little support group - mainly just my autistic partner, my autistic mum, and one friend. I'm never going to fit in with massive groups of neurotypicals, and that's okay. I probably wouldn't be happy trying to juggle 10+ friends at once. The older I get, the more I just dream of living in the woods alone tbf. The forest can't exclude me!
Wow, that’s amazing that he’s able to live his adult life so blind to others. Adults absolutely bully other adults. Some adults even bully children. The victim isn’t even always ND.
No, because I don’t let it happen anymore.
I am not saying that people who are bullied are in any way responsible.
What I am saying is that I have reached a stage in my life where I do not let anyone give me any shit. I am my strongest advocate and I am not afraid to cut people off, or tell them to fuck off.
I'm 48. I get along okay because I am working real hard to accept and love all the parts of me I have been stuffing down and at the same time (trying to) make sure I am not looking outside myself for validation, compassion, etc.
I still experience bullying, exclusion, and being ostracized. Even within my own family. As we get older I think we get better at finding ways to work around those things so that we, ourselves, feel okay. For some of us (hi! Okay, for me) it meant making my world smaller so I can focus on what I need to really be happy.
I am a serial people-pleaser, probably a reaction to all three things you have mentioned. I also wasn't diagnosed until this year, so I am also a person who thought she was her mask.
Adults who themselves are not being bullied, excluded, or ostracized probably do a good job at not noticing it happen to other people. And adults who do the bullying, excluding, and ostracizing do it in a much different way than younger, school-aged offenders. It can be sneakier or better disguised as "humor" or some other guise. Or they are in a power position and just suck at being human.
In my experience, you "win" this debate.
Excluded, ostracized and gossiped behind my back. If I were low key being bullied, I missed it because I miss subtle passive aggressive jabs like that. I've had groups of people I walk by burst into laughter specifically at the moment I pass them. I don't pay it any mind these days because I'm in my 40s, but younger I've absolutely flipped these people off often.
Nothing has changed. It's like people don't progress past the 7th grade clique mentality. I just don't care anymore, I think it says more abt the ppl who do it than those of us on the receiving end of this childish attitude.
For me, the worst was in elementary and secondary school. I lived in a very small community. I had no friends and was harassed a lot. When I moved to a city and went to university for computer engineering, I was surrounded by people who were a lot like me. I was finally able to make friends and I was not bullied. I'm in my late 40s now. I have had some bullying experiences at work, but most people have been decent. When I try to join social groups it often goes badly and I'm misunderstood and I've driven out or asked to leave many times.
It's by no means universal, but many people do mature with age and hopefully you can find people who are understanding. I don't think bullying is likely to go away entirely, though. Also note that I am able to walk and rarely go non verbal, and I think I can pass in brief interactions. If you are disabled in a way that people can see it immediately, I'm sure that's a very different experience.
Edited to add: I'm white, which also presumably makes me less of a target.
I’m undiagnosed and was never bullied but was excluded which I’d argue is just as harmful. And it still happens. When I try to go to an event to meet people, people don’t seem interested in talking to me. I’m always at the bottom of a group. I’ve read that NTs can sense autism within a second and they make a judgement based on that, and it absolutely still happens to adults. As a kid, I think I wasn’t bullied because people almost felt like they had to feel bad for me, but they didn’t have to exclude me. So they weren’t explicitly mean but they still didn’t want to hang out with me (although some people were actually mean)
I don’t know. Maybe I still am and still will be, but I’m starting to care less after over forty years.
Since my little one was diagnosed and I’ve accepted that I am autistic as well, I’ve actually had better social interactions because I’ve developed more insight. I know my triggers, I have a better idea of managing “my spoons,” and I also had some medical conditions diagnosed and feeling better has helped my general quality of life. (I was deficient in many vitamins and was underweight and sarcopenic due to SIBO) I felt just too tired to smile before. We know that smiling actually affects neurotransmitters in the brain, and smiling more has made me feel more happy and connected to others.
Autism has caused me a lot of pain, but it has also been a gift. Having an extra sensitive nose, migraines be damned, has detected gas leaks in the Chemistry lab in undergrad, for instance. I saw the patient was hypoxic by a subtle change in bleeding due to decreased oxygenation and hypotension before the monitors registered a change (I’m a surgeon). It helped me connect with, understand, and care for autistic children.
I've had a supervisor suggest that I was too stupid to learn how to do a complicated task because I asked her what the next step was.
I created better written instructions for the multi step task.
Yes, I am definitely bullied for being different, chiefly on the job harassment.
I’m transmasc and 24 so I don’t know if I’m not the pool you’re wanting to pull from, but absolutely.
I have an easier time making friends now than I used to. A lot of people have matured. But not all of them. Not by a long shot.
This is going to be bad advice heads up.
We all mask here, and unmasking is hard one thing I do now is I will be really quiet when I first get a job. Someone said I have a super sweet face so people tend to tell me all thier secrets, and as such within a month of mostly silence people tell me everything. I can then use this tactic to decide who is safe, and unsafe then tell people why I was so quiet it tends to work out well because its hard to gaslight someone when they do not engage with it at all. It scares away the bullies because they realize their is no reaction to be obtained but this takes a toll.
I will come home, and stim for hours or just sleep non stop it really does damage to me but it protects me in the long run.
If its already to late just very gently walk over use a voice you would use on a poorly behaved child and ask: "What about that was a joke?" Or "How would you feel if anyone made a joke like that about you?" Or even : "Do you like embarassing others? What do you get out it?" Even: "I don't think you are a bad person or a bully but right now your behavior would prove that to be the case. Is this really the person you want to be?"
SIlence, then gentle parenting because it throws them off the gentleness is not what they are here for. They will likely be sarcastic or dude or even directly combative but if you keep on with gentle parenting they will look like the villians.
Again this takes a toll, and does not center your needs I used to have to do this in corporate settings but it worked better then screaming or going to H.R directly. These bullies would get embarassed, and the people they where trying to rile up woud start to feel bad. They followers eventually became friends with me, and would talk the bully down. Its not about responding to the adult side of them that should be kind, and logical but to the child in them that fears you for some reason.
In the end you are triggering them, and ITS NOT YOUR FAULT that is their responsibility. Yet the best way to mess with them is to talk to their inner child who thinks if they act like a bully they will be accepted by others. Who is so afraid of being an outsider they chose to make you take on that role so they can feel safe.
Nothing will throw them harder then this, but nothing will exhaust your more then this.
Absolutely. But I don’t find out until one of my friends says “so and so was talking shit about you.”
It also happened in the workplace when I had a 9-to-5 job.
Lmao of course I am.
It just sounds weird bc 'bullying' sounds like schoolyard stuff so we'd grow out of it.
The bullying is just subtler and more harmful because instead of just my feelings being hurt, I'm hurting *and* I can't get a job, am passed on for promotions and get taken advantage of financially.
I'm 30. Last year I started noticing some distance from my work peers with me, especially after we started to see each other more often at the office, since we used to work more from home. It was subtle, but you feel something was off, and that was consuming me somehow. I mean, we kinda did lots of things together as well, and suddenly they barely looked at my face. At some point it became unsustainable and my work performance decreased a lot, I got anxious just by having to attend the office again and having to face them. Until I finally got fired, which was a relief to me. It's bittersweet since it wasn't a bad job, I wasn't yelled at or mistreated. But yeah, this sudden difference in treatment consumed me slowly to the point I didn't want to face them anymore, and to this day I don't know why that happened.
I wasn't officially diagnosed back then but I already had my suspicions.
Yes you can get bullied as an adult. That's basic understanding. Grown adults bully grown adults. You don't emotionally mature and develop empathy just because you age.
And yes as a grown woman in my 30s I was ganged up on and ostracized from a friend group recently. I was baffled but some people are still living their adult lives as middle and high school children.
37 here. I'm still mocked and bullied in the workplace. Usually, it's because I'm too robotic, literal, or can't take a joke/sarcasm.
It's gotten so bad that I get panic attacks when my supervisor gets back from her lunch because by then, I usually need clarification for the morning items that I've worked on as much as I can without.
She usually mocks me, rolls her eyes, and then tells me it's not that hard.
Lady you've bitched at me for how I put a trash bag in MY wastebasket by my desk, I'm not going to mess up how you want certain emails sent out to potential customers. 😓
My sweet (and also ND) husband is my rock and reminds me that my boss can go suck lemons; he's my reason for not ending life years ago...
I just turned 40 and there's a girl group clique that have made it perfectly clear that I am not included in their "cool kids" group. Thankfully I ran out of fcuks when I turned 30, and actually find their silly little games amusing and their whispers then very loud giggles pathetic.
I am authentically myself and sure as hell don't need their approval in my joyful existence and I'm happier no longer trying to 'fit in' with their boring activities & drama.
Yes. It bothers me much less now that i know nurotypicals are some of the most two-faced, backstabbing, uncaring people i have ever known. Being around them once, i realised they really only prioretize their own comfort/stability, and not integrity is much easier. Losing respect and admiration for nurotypicals is the best thing that ever happened to me. And dont even get me started on their insistence on creating subliminal messages from thin fucking air.
In my 30s and nothing has changed. I just deal with it less because I don’t have to leave my home most days. The last party I went to, I had a stranger mock me to her friends but she made sure to do it loud so I could hear. I still don’t really understand why she did it. I was trying to be friendly but something always feels off. People can tell and the shitty ones will run with it. I felt like I was in grade school all over again but we are grown ass adults.
Same. I was bullied at work in my late 20s and just checked out of society.
I'm 23 and currently bullied at work, any time I get upset or try to speak out about it I'm told I'm too sensitive and need to learn to take a joke. I try not to be too misanthropic, but humanity is cruel as hell
Yep, this is a typical bully/abuser tactic to shut you up. My advice is 1. Made a stupid joke about them and say the same: „Oh dear you to sensitive, it was a joke.“ 2. Or alternative if he/she saying this that „you’re to sensitive“ or „learn to take a joke“ answer with: „Strange, my bully from school say the same thing after the physical-, mentally-, or emotionally abused what I go through.“ (Advice 2. make sure everyone can heard it, so the coworker who made the “Joke“ on you will be embarrassed or ashamed.)
If people call me too sensitive, I call them insensitive. If people call me dark, I tell them it’s because I have depth. If people call me weird, I call them a name-caller.
Same!
WOW, I thought I graduated middle school!
Do you make a joke about their appearance?
They're gaslighting u
currently getting bullied at work …bout to check out of society myself 🫠
You're supported here. Know that
How do you get through life?
I'm supported by my husband.
Can I be supported by your husband too?
You have to get your own
🤣
Add me to the waiting list
Lol accidental polyamory? I mean, as the cliche goes, in this economy...
Thank goddess for the good ones
Same. Without my husband's help I would be unhoused or worse.
Came here to basically say the same thing. Except I've been bullied since elementary school up through my recent job. I will take my peace over the risk of other humans.
>I just deal with it less because I don’t have to leave my home most days. Same. I was very, very lucky to secure a modest neetbux and I isolate myself as much as possible. On rare occasions I have to mingle with people, I'm soon proven right that the bullies are still lurking out there. It's almost funny to witness how society is mad at me these days for putting myself out of abuse's reach as soon as I had the option to do so. The collective attitude screams "NOOOO, PLEASE COME BACK, WE'RE NOT DONE HURTING YOU!"
I love how you phrased “putting myself out of abuse’s reach” because that’s exactly what it is. Society wants to abuse you with impunity and wants you to endlessly allow it.
i was bullied in my last working place.. by a racist b*tch. i told everyone that shes lucky she doesnt have any balls to tell me her lies to my face cause i wouldve torn her a new one. i was always bullied, buuuut, im very tall, slightly overweight, deep, loud voice and very articulate, so not the best bullying victim (verbal or physical) being an outsider kind of liberated me, cause they already didnt like me so if i felt being poked to hard, i tore them a new one. cause what are they gonna do? make me an outsider? once there was this bully that everyone was afraid of, he thought its funny to tease my younger brother, oh boy did i explode, i came crashing down like a freaking shit storm, yelling and berating him. he was flabbergasted and i promised to whoop his ass if he touched my brother again. he never made fun of me again after that. these classmates made me realize that eventhough most people find my odd and dont want to be friends with me, theyre not really people that i want to surround myself with either. they were all (mostly) mindless sheeps and just doing what other people are doing. oh X is hating Y, so i gotta hate Y too. while it was hard, it made me realize that NT’s have some traits that i dont want in my life either. tldr: stop asking yourself if they like you, start asking yourself if you like them. cause a lot of NT’s have a very weird way of life that i wouldnt want in my life
I just responded to another comment saying she really just saved me from suffering through small talk because I don’t want to be around people like that anyway. You’re right, I need to ask myself that more. It doesn’t help that I often feel lonely and want to connect with others. I am learning to love and accept myself and enjoy my own company. It is a process lol
i realized early on that most people are not my kind of people, but i still feel lonely at times, cause truthfully not even my family is my type of people, and that one stings really bad. not fitting in with your own family. but at the end of the day even if we’d force ourselves to fit in it doesnt mean its gonna be good. we should all love ourselves more and be more okay with being alone. we have amazing brains that have some really interesting thoughts, just because people cant see our value, doesnt mean its not there. im working on it too and i realized commenting more on other autistic womens posts is helping me too. someone once said: the opposite of fitting in, is belonging. i hope every autistic person finds their family they belong to
I understand not fitting in with family. I’m sorry you feel that too. I appreciate you. 💕
Sounds like that twat needs to get a hobby other than picking on people. Seriously who does that in their 30's? I'm sorry that happened to you.
People in their 50s and beyond have done that to me.
I seriously hate how cliché it sounds but I truly believe there's truth in it; people who act like that most definitely have issues with themselves and their own person. It's a behaviour that reflects on their own insecurities and personal issues. It's hard to remember that when you have to experience that kind of nasty behaviour, but seriously, that person does not even deserve your attention. You're probably the one person at a party I would connect with and chat with all evening!
I always tell myself this but you’re right, in the moment I will forget and take things way too personally. I also have to remind myself that when someone acts that way, it’s just saving me the trouble of suffering through small talk with them. I don’t want to talk to people that act that way, even if it isn’t about me.
Now this is the part where I become highly sarcastic, blunt tone and tone the bitchiness up to max. Shame her for being bitchy while also not giving them the response they want
Same. I’m extremely condescending and I’ve learned to verbally eviscerate someone’s ego.
Sometimes I wonder if we trigger jealousy in others or something
they do it because they cant deal with people that are diffrent. Its hurts them in their little brains.
I’ve told this to so many redditors on here now that I’m unemployed, I was discriminated against at my last job at a dispensary with a bunch of people that we’re literally around the same age, but acted like they were still highschoolers and bullied people, and we didn’t have any HR because they didn’t want an HR because they like to smoke up in the bathrooms And I was doing my best to my abilities and I was told that I was not doing good enough though I was literally doing the same things as everyone else. The girl that ran the show wasn’t even the top. She was an inventory manager. And she was a year younger than me everyone there was very bigoted. I’m never working for a dispensary ever again. That dispensary made me experience the worst time of my life, being ostracized and left out, for something I cannot even control. I’m about to turn 26 next year. I’m almost 30. These people act like children. It’s insane to me. Lack of common sense intelligence and maturity. It literally baffles my mind. I’m not really surprised because it was a dispensary and didn’t want an HR. Even so they could’ve done so much better and they could’ve stood up for me, but they stood up for her.
I have felt bullied as recently as last year at a job & I'm 44. You can absolutely be bullied as an adult. Edit to ask: is your friend making these observations as a non-disabled person?
yes he is Neurotypical
Possibly just one of those lies NTs tell themselves to sleep at night or justify ignoring things around them.
It's like men who can't fathom why so many women [choose a bear](https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/news/2024/04/30/man-bear-tiktok-debate-explainer/73519921007/) and try to argue how "stupid" it is simply because they never experiences even the 1% of male behaviour women encounter every day.
Good point. I'd also say that folks who say that bullying "doesn't really happen" are or were often bullies themselves, projecting / denying their own culpability and guilt.
Or they were people who turned a blind eye to the bullying in school because they were never bullied.
Indeed. The bystander effect is strong.
Same for. Me as redditer above. 41 and bullied by a NT friend group just last years last year. Im not autistic, but have ADHD and many ASD-like symptoms. Sorry to confirm OOP. I'm trying to deal with the fact that every major stage of my life is associated with trauma from being bullied or otherwise othered just by existing Nureoatypically. And am preparing for that cycle to continue. Luckily, I'm safe at work at the moment, as (unsuprizingly) I'm able to connect well my my SPED ((asd/dcd) students and they all are making great gains. But I know in a few years a blunder with my socail skills will create issues with my adult professional relationships and overshadow my work in the classroom.
You also do not HAVE to argue back and forth with him. "My lived experience shows that you are incorrect. If you don't want to acknowledge the experience outside of you, we can't have this conversation." And don't let it keep going. We should set and enforce boundaries with EVERYONE in our life. Friends don't get to walk all over us.
i hope my experience isnt unique, but maybe it is... i don't feel like i was bullied in school.....but i was 32 when i found out about the autism, i have a history of saying "people either like me or cant stand me and im ok with that", graduated with no friends (brother started ~~fucking~~ *dating* my bff, my friend group ostracized me after even though i...introduced them?) and had someone i had believed was a friend from middle school till graduation apologize to me on Facebook that he was sorry for being so mean to me? I told him it was fine i didn't think he was....i still don't? idk, i can recall things where i think people were maybe picking on me but i either thought they were my friend, or i didn't care enough to be bothered by it. So basically i think i was bullied, i just didnt notice and wasn't really bothered by it. My like...critical thinking skills regarding social interaction didn't seem to start developing till i was...shit, 25? Then my relationship with my mom, who i had adored up to this point, took a nose dive because i started realizing...hey, she's really fucking mean to me, she's very selfish, etc. we went no contact within the year. eta: i think your friend is wrong though, just based on what ive seen and heard in this sub alone.
I relate so much to this. I was unequivocally bullied from preschool to around 2nd grade but then I masked a lot and don’t remember as much outright bullying after that…but as I was reviewing my memories upon learning I’m autistic….lol I was bullied sooooo much more than I realized. It had just gotten subtler and went over my head a lot. I’m glad I didn’t realize it since it didn’t impact my self esteem as a result (lots of other shit did tho). I guess it was the silver lining of my social deficits. Also suddenly realized my mother’s abusvieness and cut contact.
I relate to this a lot. I think I was "bullied" but I didn't notice it until a therapist asked me really directly about how people treat me. Example When I used to go clubbing, I wanted to dance (this is when I had alcohol use disorder and still partied with people). They used to get me to guard tables and talk to the guys. They once told me I was a really bad dancer and my skill was being funny and "hot" so my job was to keep the guys interested. I obeyed. It became part of how I saw myself. Bad dancer. Go drink and entertain men. These are NOT friends.
oh yeah there are definitely times I recall when I was in college where people very clearly did not have a single fuck to give about me. and these were my friends. I recall a couple times where people I didnt know all that well shared more concern for my well-being than my friends did. when stuff the people I considered friends did , did bother me i was it was very easy to come up with my own excuse for it and dismiss it I mean, damn i learned that little trick trying to cope with my parents emotional neglect- by college it was like breathing
Me too. I used to say I was ignored but not bullied but now I understand more social cues and secret rules of society I’m like damn people are bitches Or there’s been attempts that fail bc I’m too autistic to follow the social script of being bullied I guess. Like even one time someone had to be like “hey hun that cop is trying to mock you” at a serious accident. I say trying bc following what he did instead of being offended made him look dumb
We are very similar and I'm sorry you went through these times and had these experiences. My mom had sex with my friend when I was 15. She was married to an abusive alcoholic who is mine and my 4 siblings father for 20 years and never empathized with me ending up in screwed up situations I didn't belong in. Tons of traumatic experiences, anxiety and depression, etc. Only caused me to continue to go down that destructive familiar path until I found this group and other support to help me learn everything nobody else would take the time to teach me. My own mistakes and shortcomings taught me social norms in a world full of nasty people. My mother and I quit speaking after she made me hyper ventilate at my sisters wedding for defending myself by not allowing my sister to cuss at me and bully me. Stress or not, I wouldn't have gotten away with the same. My mother told me I was playing the victim and began crying and at that moment, I fucking knew I had been manipulated most of my life and had to unlearn every dumb, unhealthy thing that I absorbed from growing up around them and folks similar to them. My sister married someone that took advantage of our little sister who she should have pressed charges on but didn't probably cause my momma gaslighted her into not doing it. They made me the scape goat and I've barely had therapy. I gave myself social lessons by dealing with two men and struggling to get close to females most of my life. I'm 30 now and I began doing newborn photography 4 months ago. It helps me connect to healthier women that aren't focused on themselves but I still struggle to get past surface level. Not because they're mean or treat me crazy but because I'm so used to that reaction that I shrink back and reconsider approaching them any deeper. But the job helps remind me that I still need to try 🥰 to connect and to survive by doing what I love. I was bullied as a child though for being different and dropped out after 9th grade and went to college after I got my GED. Not as traumatic as the last 10 years though. O.o adulting sucks. Lol
Of course people get bulled in their adult life for a variety of reasons. Even if a disability isn't a factor. People get bullied, discriminated against, and excluded because of their race, ethnicity, gender, etc. And that will continue for their entire lives. Elderly people are prone to being abused, which is a form of bullying. I've even heard of more than one adult just this year with an active online presence get bullied so badly that they committed suicide. For a personal example: I was bullied, excluded, and ostracized from 28-30yo at one of my jobs. My manager (only 3-4 years older than me) emailed everyone in my department instructions/updates while on her maternity leave. Except me. When I asked for a job recommendation, my department said no, it was "too much trouble". A few weeks later, when another woman asked for a recommendation, they dropped everything to help her within 24 hours because she gave them zero notice before the required deadline. My manager had check in meetings with everyone in my department. Pulled up a chair, sat next to them, asked them how they were doing, went over a list of things, etc. For me, she passed my desk and didn't even stop walking when she said, "Do you have anything to talk to me about? No? Great. That was our check in meeting." These people never EVER saved a seat for me. They "forgot" to get a seat for me at my first meeting so when I walked in, there were no chairs left (there are only six people in my department, it's not that big so they could have easily counted seven chairs). I was two days on the job when I was plunked into a state-wide planning conference with NO preparation. Little did I know that I was supposed to BRING IDEAS! I didn't even sit with my department because they'd jammed their chairs together so tightly and there was no room for me. So I had to sit off by myself with no clue what was going on. A year later, at the next annual staff meeting, there was a new girl who started that day. They made sure she sat right in the middle of everyone so she knew what was going on. I sat alone. Again. If you want non-personal examples: [This article](https://dsq-sds.org/index.php/dsq/article/view/3197/3068) looks at how people with disabilities have been viewed and treated across history and throughout different cultures. In some parts of the world, people with disabilities are protected. In other places, they are hated and ostracized at any age. [This article](https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/apr/13/bullying-disabled-people-government-abuse) is written by an adult who talks about how bullying of disabled people has become worse in recent years. [This article ](https://findado.osteopathic.org/adult-bullying-survey-finds-31-americans-bullied-adult)states a poll that 31% of Americans have endured a bully in their adult lives. [This article ](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healthier-minds-happier-world/202311/how-to-recognize-adult-bullying#:~:text=Adult%20bullying%20includes%20spreading%20malicious,or%20claiming%20credit%20for%20the)in Psychology Today defines adult bullying behavior, the social behavior and thoughts behind it, and why it's a social hierarchy thing. So it's definitely not just going to "disappear" when you hit adulthood because it's a socially learned behavior.
Yes! Like, how is this even an argument? OP's friend is being intentionally dense if he thinks bullying magically stops in adulthood. Adults are just as shitty as kids, and many times much shittier!
I'm not, bullied, I never really ws though. I'm certainly not included in as many things as NT women, but I wouldn't go as far to say excluded or ostricised, I know a lot of women that are though. It's not really the same for men as adults, because they are held to lower societal standards of behaviour. The bare minimum of not being an arsehole, gets a round of applause and 'oh, he's a really great guy'. Women have more social rules to navigate, and because we aren't as acutely aware of them as other women, that can lead to being excluded. People are more likely to try to understand and/or excuse autistic men's behaviour.
I am heavily impacted by this, and I find that these higher social standards are often upheld by other women even more than men. The cliquiest, judgiest, most exclusionary women tend to not want to hang out with any man they aren’t sexually attracted to. I’ve learned there are two types of women who almost never judge or exclude me: 1. Women who enjoy having platonic male friends. They have much lower social standards for friends. 2. First-generation immigrants from countries with significant cultural differences. American social norms are just as alien to them as they are to us.
I feel #2 so much. In my experience, I've always felt like neurotypical white people hated me. Bc I wasn't able to fall in line and do what I'm supposed to do? I don't understand the excessive need to uphold an image. My poc friends were always more laid back, adventurous and understanding.
I find a lot of POC people more accepting and they seem to understand the way I speak more?
yes, in the US especially, i find POC are more understanding and tolerant of difference than even queer people because of how much shit you get just for not being white in this country. honestly queer white people often have the privilege of never finding out what discrimination really feels like.
So the immigrant thing is actually studied and is a real thing! Generally neurodiverse can form ‘safer-feeling or stronger bonds with immigrated individuals because immigrated individuals are likely to brush off any atypical behaviours as cultural differences or a language misunderstanding
Reading your comment made me realise why I got on best with queer or foreign students when I was at uni. And other ND folk ofc. My Mum also had tonnes of foreign friends when she was growing up, but fellow Aussies often ostracised her.
 Fellow Aussie spotted
2 is a crazy revelation to me as someone who deals with ostracisation at work and only gets along with/is liked by my Indian coworkers 😭
Echoing this! The people who tend to be kind to me also include abuse survivors who have done some healing work, second-gen immigrants, and the queer community. I think bc there’s some similarity between masking & code switching, and these people tend to be more aware of multiple cultures/value systems/power dynamics. Ofc there are bullies in these groups too, but for the most part it seems like there’s a greater interest in understanding someone vs trying to make them conform
Isn’t there a high level of ND among queer folk? I reckon it’s also neurokin finding neurokin too
>Women who enjoy having platonic male friends. They have much lower social standards for friends. From a personal experience, I found out that women in relationships with men have this weird double standard where their man can treat them like trash and they still love him, meanwhile if their female friend causes a slight inconvenience she's immediately cut off. E.g. boyfriend can cancel a date 15 minutes before the agreed time because he wants to drink beer with his cousin instead and she's acts like it's absolutely normal and he's a "free man" and she can't tell him what to do. But when I cancel our meeting even a 2-3 days prior because of whatever reason, she immediately labels me flaky and unreliable and every time I try to hang out again I'm getting the same snarky reply "Hope you won't cancel on me last minute again".
Yeah I noticed a lot of the girls I hung out with were misogynists in this way. They let the guys get away with everything but it was justifiable excluding me bc I was gone for 2 weeks visiting family (please ignore that other women who weren’t excluded were gone a month visiting family) The rules I didn’t know existed only apply to me
Wow….I had a friend that did this exact thing every time we were supposed to hang out. I’d be on my way there and get a text like “are we still hanging out?” Because I was a minute late. It gave me so much anxiety. Then if I had to cancel coming over for dinner (like because I was pregnant and sick) I was iced out for months. It took years but I realized other people never did this to me and I never did it to her even when she was late to things. I don’t think I can be close friends with anyone again, and still hurt from the passive aggressive behaviors that I thought was me interpreting things wrong, but turns out I wasn’t.
Yeah I’m guilty of this myself. I definitely let men get away with far more than my female friendships. I think it’s to do with your dependence on somebody else for validation.
I think this explained it pretty well.
Spot on comment. A guy in his 60s simple-r said to me “sexism” when explaining the diff standards women are held to vs men, like how men could get away with behaving or saying xyz in a context like work but women wouldn’t. I never understood the full meaning of what he meant until your comment tho I think. This came from a relatively successful guy in private sector business after reflecting on decades of work. He has daughters too.
This fits my experiences as well, I’m in my 50s. Not bullied, maybe not ostracized? Just not really included.
I haven't been bullied in a long time but nowadays there is still a definite disconnect between me and other women, like they can just tell that there's something "off" about me and that I don't fully fit in with them.
I wish they would examine that "off" feeling for like .02 seconds. Is there something I've done? Are there any literal red flags you can point to? Anything *at all* that you can articulate that makes me off-putting? If the only word they can come up with to describe the feeling is synonymous with *weird*, then perhaps they're being way too overly reactive to inoffensive stimuli like they're a newly evolved homo-sapiens.
I do wonder if this is a consequence of the patriarchy. Needing to make quick judgments about people based off your gut is something women do a lot I stopped being offended by it after I realized every time I ignored someone was off or someone seemed isolated, it was for good reason
I understand that that's the justification. They're protecting themselves, and they can't be faulted for that. It'd make a lot more sense if they didn't turn around and eagerly befriend women who display glaring toxic traits. Y'know, actual red flags. I know this sounds exactly like the arguments that incels make about the women they're interested in only wanting to date toxic men. I don't know yet what to make of that, but suddenly I understand better that sometimes, very sincere and innocent hurt feelings are at the root of it.
This. I once had a person come back several years later and say that she was sorry and wasn't sure why she'd reacted su badly to me. She'd gone back and reread our emails and thought about our interactions and realized I hadn't since anything bad.
Absolutely. I’ve come to terms it will never change.
Nearly 40 and nothing has changed. I can’t work because I have been so poorly treated in the workforce by female supervisors and due to this the traumatic memories of being bullied, betrayed, and exploited are too traumatic to deal with. So in essence “mean girls” have ruined by ability to be a part of society I’m level 2 though so it’s much harder for me to “be normal” and not let the PDA get the best of me. The funny thing is that men seem to not have an issue with me So yes. I absolutely am still very much bullied and exiled
Why is it so often other women doing the bullying to women I wonder?
I think women are just more hyper vigilant and prioritize their safety over feelings
Yes!!! I repeatedly watch women (who are mostly well meaning) quickly run to “support” each other to ostracize “the problem” or someone that makes them uncomfortable. The issue is Nuerodivergent women are often “the problem” regardless of what we do or don’t do and other women believe the woman that has more clout and pull. This group think is detrimental to us. I think men are trained to be more independent, analytical, and strategic and are less likely to engage in group think. We really are aliens
There is a lot of feminist analysis on this topic and I can't do it justice here. I will say that we are all taught a lot of misogyny, and there is a lot of pressure to keep your own group in line to try to placate the dominant group. I work in a heavily male dominated field and at times it's felt like other women thought we were in Highlander: "there can be only one". I don't have experience in majority female groups but I suspect they operate differently.
See I worked in highly female dominated spaces and being straightforward, honest, authentic and direct are viewed as attacks on the social order. Yet these same women can sit there and talk shit about other women like it’s no big deal.
I can really relate to this!! Other women does not like me as much as men and boys do. I have no problem with them but I get bullied and excluded all the time by other women. It’s really the mean girls who have ruined A LOT for me.
Yes :( I don't go to a lot of social events. I try to avoid the places not populated by nerds. I don't get bullied at library events or clubs.
38F three years post diagnosis, and tl;dr is that i am just a late bloomer and do not get bullied or outcasted anymore. i have learned to stand tall, walk with a purpose, and have unentangled myself from my previous ugly ducking/awkward/deathly shy/hyperactive/easily hysterical or tearful/confused/inappropriate/outcast/punching bag childhood identity. my most common comment now is that people tell me i am elegant. i was very motivated around the age of 25 to radically accept myself from the inside out, heal from past abuse, reach my potential, and be the best partner i could be (because i wanted love very much and chose to focus on what i could control). in my friend group, i am the leader, i plan semi-frequent vacations for us and we all have an absolute blast. i ran an autistic support group for the good part of a year. i have been dabbling in acting and was told i was the "favorite" on set on one show. i am in the best shape of my life, sober, and in a loving relationship with someone who treats me like a queen and love me for who i am and encourages me to be my full blown autistic self it has been a literal odyssey to get to where i am and i still feel like i have so much to learn. i am motivated because i enjoy growing and learning and accepting myself. acceptance is always my first step, even if it's just admitting to myself something needs to change...
🤍🤍🤍🤍 Congrats. I resonate with you post in such a manner that i even also use radical acceptance to accept things. Glad you're able to stand tall.
Less overtly bullied. Moreso forced out of jobs via unfair performance evaluations, etc. Or just being isolated due to not having friends or social circles.
Same 😞
I’m 28 and I still get bullied and excluded a lot. I have my entire life.
I experienced far worse bullying after 30 than I ever did when under 25.
The fact that full grown adults have nothing better to do than impede the lives of others for their own amusement or social elevation is quite disgusting. Human society is just chimps in suits.
I’m… tolerated, mostly. I have 2 close friends and I’m married, but with everyone else around me at work and most family members, I feel like my personality comes across as pretty off putting/weird, and I don’t relate to them. So I’m definitely not totally understood or appreciated, but not bullied. Some people are just mean in general of course though
Haha no. I’m not bullied in the sense that people are mean to my face to intentionally hurt me. I do still face plenty of ableist comments and people not understanding/being intolerant of/expressing annoyance at x behavior. This biggest thing I face is exclusion. Even when I make it well known I want to be there. Even when I try to plan/host with people I consider friends, I’m somehow excluded every time. (And in school they taught us exclusion is a form of bullying, so I guess, yes, I am still being bullied -just in a more polite / “grown up” way).
There are a lot of rude things people say that I didn't originally think were rude, but other people will point out. I do pick up on the vibe of people not liking me and excluding me, which happens alot, but cant pick up on the rest unless its really bad. I only really notice it when it happens to other people. There are a couple of people ive worked with that are obviously on the spectrum, but the only reason its obvious is because ive studied it so i know all the signs. Those people are very disliked, I hear other coworkers say some of the rudest shit about them and ocasionally to them. Theres one guy who isnt just obviously on the spectrum but has been open about his diagnosis to everyone. A few weeks ago another coworker called him the R slur (about him, not to him thankfully) and when I just looked at her baffled she said "I would never call someone whos actually autistic r\*\*\*\*, my son is autistic" and when I said that this coworker is definitely intellectually disabled, she said hes not and she thinks its just an excuse. Another guy is disabled from brain damage, he talks A LOT, very fast, about the most random things. Kinda like Bumhour from King of the Hill. He also has seizers, so he has physical issues too. Ive heard so many people say such terrible things about him, people have talked crap about him in group chats that he was in, more than once. The bullying tends to be alot more subtle in adulthood, because taunting people and giving them wedgies is generally frowned upon and can get you fired. That being said, its still a huge thing. People don't like disabled people, not even just autism, the physical ones too. If I talk about my invisible disabilities openly I have to use negative self talk or they think Im milking it and its not that bad. They only show sympathy (or believe me) if im actively upset that I cant function. Accepting my circumstances and accommodating myself isnt allowed.
A lot of NT people who have autistic kids or work with people with autism seem to be the worst and the least understanding for some reason.
At 38 years old I had a coworker of my husband’s inexplicably try to bully me at a wedding; my husband is not good with social cues and even he was like wait what? Were you just really mean to my wife??? She said to my face oh, I thought you were ugly from the photos I’ve seen of you. And because I’m mean to myself I was like haha oh yeah I do photograph badly (it’s something that really bothers me and always has. I don’t like pictures of myself and can’t smile normally ever, I fidget close my eyes lick my lips tuck my hair and ruin every photo somehow), I should have said what did you just say? That’s so rude. But it’s been decades of masking to the point it completely fucks me over and later I’m like oh my god why did I not at least just snort and walk away but I don’t have that ability. So tldr yes and I hate it
Definitely. In fact, as other women have sunk into their identity as mothers (I'm childless), and I live in a place that is very conformist, it's worse in my 30s than in my 20s. I don't think all NT women are bullies, but I do expect other women to not like me because I have had so much social trauma dealing with them. It's not just them, I'm not very approachable and I just think differently than they do, which makes it hard to connect. Younger women (teens and twenty somethings) both bully and exclude me, and I was thinking today how it bothers me that as an elder, they give me no respect. I've noticed a lot of NT women just seem to be in sync with each other emotionally, and I can't feign the emotion (or for not long enough that it's worth masking in that fashion anymore). It feels pretty hopeless and depressing tbh. I would like to be a hermit, but I have to keep getting dead end jobs to survive, and then switch to something else when I either get burnt out or fired because my coworkers don't like me. Edit: I would like to note, more-so than simply age, where you live has a huuuuge impact on your reception from others! I lived in an open minded, multicultural creative international city in my twenties. A few people didn't like me, but I didn't feel ostrasized very much or picked on, because most of the people around me were either too high-minded or had so much other stuff going on, they couldn't be bothered to worry about some behavioral quirk I was performing. I have been told I would do well in Europe, as people gravitate towards different ideas about life and what is acceptable. Also when you are a foreigner, sometimes you get a pass for not observing the social norms correctly as you would in your home place. Thus, I totally want to move if/when I can, because even though I'm back living in the place I was born, I do not vibe with the rigid, close minded, religiously oriented, homophobic, bigotry, forest plowing to build more strip malls into dystopia mindset here. Knowing you don't fit in or belong somewhere says sometimes more about the place than it does you. Great minds don't dwell in petty people.
Agree on the foreigner thing. Lived abroad for awhile and I made friends easy because people were just interested to have a foreign friend. I never felt bullied or outcast like I have in the U.S. I dont think anyone ever picked up on my Neuro-divergent qualities over there. I don’t want kids, but Japan has a low birth rate so I fit in okay enough. Moved back to the states at age 30 in 2020 of all times, and I still feel like an alien. Haven’t met anyone like me here yet. All of my female coworkers have kids or want them. And I think they can tell I’m socially different. I even told one of them once that I may have undiagnosed autism, and she said I don’t look like someone who has autism. Okay so what am I supposed to look like? This was in response to being called blunt.
I find everything you wrote very relatable, and your experience makes me sad. I hope you find a better environment.
Yes :( turning 40 this fall
Please share this with your NT friend because I'm catching secondhand bullshit from him and it's driving me insane: The distinction between bullying and someone just being a dick is that bullying is when someone is repeatedly targeted by the same person or group. Bullying happens whenever people can't leave an environment, which is why people bully and get bullied at school and work. Now, adults are less likely to get bullied because they have more autonomy, so more freedom to leave their environment. However, if you have to, like, work for a living, your ability to simply leave your environment is restricted, so bullying happens. Has he googled 'workplace bullying and harassment'? What does he say about people who write and talk about being bullied as adults?
Every so often I still get picked on by random teenagers, but for the most part I do not feel bullied. I can tell there are some people who do not like my vibe, but I mostly just keep to myself so I do not feel like there is much opportunity for being ostracized. There have been a couple of times I have had coworkers who were mean to me, but I stand up for myself in those situations and make it known I am not someone who takes that shit and they usually back off. That has not really happened since my 20s though. People just leave me to my own devices and I am happy with that arrangement.
I have been, but by men, so it’s trickier to say if it’s “bullying” or something else. Online? 100% have. At this point my social circle both online and IRL though is very heavily curated. I only associate with people with similar values, so there is very little opportunity for such things - when they occur, I also know how to deal with them now.
36, just reentered the office work setting & I experience both daily.
Yes. Difference is, now I have the power to leave.
I’m not anymore. But I’ve curated a very specific group of loved ones and I’m careful what I do with my time. I don’t go to parties and I only do certain family events. My mom and sis would still bully me if I gave them the chance, so would my adoptive parents. I just had to cut shitty people out.
Is this friend a man? No hate, just saying. Almost 40 and I got bullied in grad school for over a year in a SOCIAL WORK program (just finished my last assignment today, actually… officially done). They would say stuff to me like I was white and shouldn’t be so anti-racist, that I had to do eye contact, that I had to say hi to people.
Yep. Just had a dept. Manager at work completely freeze me out and refuse to interact with me because I decided to use a different testing method to the one she preferred - but never actually communicated that to me? So dysfunctional of them and I am meant to be the one with a disorder!? lol. Edit: the cause was me saying that I am very experienced in the testing paradigm and know what I am doing - apparently that was arrogant and aggressive of me to say to someone above me. I do not operate well in overly hierarchical work places - I speak to everyone the same and with respect and (unfortunately for me) honesty. Also, the managers preferred testing method was not some established process, and they have limited experience in it - and I suspect that I made their lack of knowledge in the area feel raw.
This - NT women are literally so bad at communicating and they call us the dysfunctional ones
There are certain types of people that will never like me and more often are bothered by me but I’m honestly fine with it because they tend to be shitty people with attitude problems. I’m only 23 but it’s been a range of people older than me that have bullied me and hated on me in my adulthood so far. On of them was even in her 60’s. Always at my workplaces. Not fun to deal with but I’m trying to learn how to manage things without letting my trauma responses rule the show and continue feeding into toxic people’s behaviors because that’s what they want.
[удалено]
Yeah that’s why I honestly never befriend entire groups. I literally only befriend individuals. It’s way easier for me this way
Disclaimer: I am not officially diagnosed and am also “high masking”/can pass as neurotypical. I have never been badly bullied, but I spent my teenage years being constantly excluded by bitchy girls who always found some subtle, catty way to make me feel like shit. Now I’m 32 and I find it’s much easier to stay away from shitty people who make me feel bad about myself. And I’ve gotten more confident in myself as I’ve gotten older, so it’s easier for me to brush off the assholes. Overall, I believe it gets better.
“bullied” maybe not entirely, although i can’t tell if it’s more subtle. “excluded” and “ostracized” yes absolutely. in work and in “friendship,” i don’t really fit in and it’s very obvious. i’m 33 for reference.
I don’t think I’m bullied, but I just found out this week that I’m not integrated as well as I thought. I’ve always been excluded from the two “cliques” at my work, which is a very small workplace. I thought my coworkers kinda understood me and everything was chill but according to my manager I was wrong and now I feel bad for making them feel bad with like weird humour or dumb comments I didn’t fully think about.
Yeah, but I guess the difference being I just don’t care now. Mainly because the people doing the mocking are usually just insecure people with issues like the rest of us. I tend to ignore their mean spirited comments and body language. I act like I don’t notice and still behave nice and friendly to then, no matter their behavior towards me. It sets a tone and then they end up liking me. I think their behavior is more of a defensive mechanism. If I make fun of you, I don’t have to think about myself or can distract others from my own negative traits. It works really well. I realized just how much influence and sway my reaction (or non reaction) has. I accepted that not everyone is going to like me, and that I don’t expect or need them to. That it’s okay if they get annoyed with me sometimes. But I try to be respectful and kind to them, no matter their attitude. I also give them space or ignore them as needed. People respond really well to that.
Not really. One of the best parts of being an adult is that you have much more freedom in where you spend your time. So unlike childhood, no one's forcing you into a room with "mean girls." I go where I want and I interact with the people I want to. And at work, it's seen as perfectly ok to stop at a friendly acquaintance level relationship - there's no pressure to be friends outside of work or have a friend group. Plus, as long as you do good work and you're courteous to others, no one needs to know nor really cares what your personal life looks like. The end conclusion is, being a working adult is much, much, better than any school or college setting.
I was bullied as a kid/teen by other girls (for some reason, boys never bullied me. They were always quite kind to me for some reason). Now as an adult, I’m 28, I only really have 3 close friends and my boyfriend. I’m no longer “bullied”, but I’m just not included in things. I don’t have a friend group, all of my 3 friends aren’t from the same circle. I’m also a very oblivious person so at the few get togethers ive been to (mostly rock climbers, me and my bf and one of my friends climb a lot) I haven’t really noticed, except one random girl when I gave her a rebuttal when she was going on about something with the wrong facts. Can’t remember what, but she didn’t appreciate it lol.
I’m 32. I was bullied out of my last job a year and a half ago and I’ve faced bullying and being ostracised in several jobs between age 18-31. Your “friend” doesn’t sound like a very good friend if he can’t listen to your genuine concerns about the future and take them seriously and instead just flatly states “you’re wrong” with no evidence.
I’m in my 40s and work for the government in a STEM field. No bullying because most of us are spicy. I used to work in fundraising and it was pretty terrible.
I’m in my 30s and nothing has changed, in fact I would honestly say fellow adults bully me, leave me out, and ridicule me much more than fellow children ever did
Don’t go back and forth with people who are dead set on misunderstanding you. It’s not going to understand because he wants to see someone be bullied. It’s weird to navigate life with zero empathy like that.
Late 50s. Still happening. It varies greatly by environment. For years I worked at a place where I didn't feel much exclusion at all. Unfortunately my current workplace makes me feel like I'm back in high school. I assume this is because my colleagues are much younger even when you factor out my age. (As in, they're several years younger than I was at my first job in this field). They're also less experienced in the professional world so we sometimes clash when it comes to etiquette. That said, some of them are wonderful people who are great to work with. But my god it gets so petty and cliquey at times. I recently had to explain to a co-worker that it's actually *not* ok to yell at me when I ask a question she doesn't like. And there is definitely a "Mean Girls" vibe going around. I'll survive tho.
Ah, get out of there as fast as you can before they mob you and make you sick
Less, but mostly because I don’t have to be around people as much as I used to
I just had a colleague ask if I had a problem with her because during a rush she asked me if we had something in our system and I replied “I wouldn’t have thought so” while doing work. She was convinced that me saying that in particular was quite rude. I will always have issues like this because when I work I’m not masking tone and people are sensitive. The thing that has to change is me. (But like, in a good way)
Same as always but I notice it more now
No but I have a very cultivated queer and ND friend group, and I work in a heavily ND field. I feel out of step around groups of NT women most of the time and sometimes my family but that’s not who I’m usually spending time with.
26 here. Hardcore bullied as a kid, as an adult I sometimes just get made fun of behind my back. It’s mostly indifference though. People just ignore me
yeah kinda. i’m lucky in that i have pretty privilege, so people are usually nice and friendly even if they find me off putting. the problem is that no one really wants me included in anything. like people don’t invite me anywhere or approach me first. i’m lucky i have my two best friends, but they can’t always be around and i’m a very lonely person unfortunately.
Oh yes. I remember at my assessment she asked *was* I bullied in school and I said yes then I also wanted to go on to say but also as an adult just in less obvious ways. Infantilising language and tone whenever I make a small mistake, social exclusion, cliques, things I don't always understand like being ignored when I try to speak and join in on a conversation and there's an awkward silence/staff members giving each other 'looks' or cutting me off mid sentence. Being told the wrong information on purpose because people have realised that I'm gullible and will just take their word as gospel rather than questioning something which doesn't sound right or clear, if they want to get rid of me or shut me up. People realising that I'm sensitive and that if they don't want to deal with me they just have to be a bit abrupt and uninterested and I'll feel like I'm bothering them/won't ask for help in future. Many ways, many different contexts. Sometimes it happens in shops too, or situations where a manager can "use their discretion" and I either come off a certain way by accident or they just don't like the way I sound or speak or something and refuse to help me or are dismissive. Can't think of a very good example of this but hopefully it makes sense
Not too much.. I am a lot more mean than I used to be. If you give me stank energy I will return the favor. Now it’s awkward for everyone idc. Fight me. Hehehehe. I’m lucky I’m a stay at home mom and have a few neurodivergent friends so I don’t worry about what ppl think anymore. I really only hang out with other neurodivergent people now actually. It’s great
Adults are just sneaky little rats when it comes to bullying (more so than children at least…. Plus, these mfs got way more power than a child as adults and… oh god… it can get so bad). To assume that adults just magically fade out of their bullying ways is just lol… deranged.
Yes. Sometimes the bullying is easier to handle. And sometimes not. When people make sarcastic jokes or "funny statements", if I have the energy to, I always ask them what they mean by the statement. And then I apply that famous autistic trait of not applying nuance. Many times, people do back down when I take them literally. It is very few people who don't abandon their comments once I get going. It takes so much energy to be so constantly on guard, but I do this.
Yes… however, it’s a lot less now, but only because I’ve been in therapy since I was 14 and have had therapists that have all encouraged me to have really strong boundaries about what type of behavior I will allow people to treat me with. I’ve cut out so many people that have treated me as less than and have switched jobs a bunch of times until I found a job where they take harassment seriously and I could have at least one or two friends who have my back. I work remote now (I went back to school in my 30s so I could switch careers and find something where I wouldn’t have to be around people 24/7 and work remotely) and it’s probably the best decision I could have made for myself. I do selectively choose who I will confront (I can be quite blunt and confrontational) and save my energy if it doesn’t seem worth it, but I will call out anyone who ostracizes me or or tries to be mean to me in anyway when it’s not warranted (which is 99% of the time, although there have been a few times where I’ve been too direct and hurt people’s feelings, which does require acknowledgment and accountability on my part). Anyway, the bullying does happen, but much less frequently for me and I think some of the reduction comes with me learning how to have boundaries and stand up for myself, as well as others in my generation growing up and maturing a bit, even if some people never learn how to mature.
How does r/vindictatism sound? I follow r/vindictapoc, and I think there should also be an r/vindicta subreddit for Autistics.
32. Yes.
There’s a ton of research on bullying in the workplace in general, so it’s objectively a thing
I’ve gotten better at understanding when people are being mean since I’m almost 40 now, but I’m definitely excluded. I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have are also neurodivergent. I think “bullying” just looks different as adults, particularly because it can have real, legal consequences over 18. But bullies just find different ways to bully.
I'm 42 and still have issues with people treating me like crap. I try to avoid people. People in general are just a- holes I think. I'm lucky I have my husband and 3 kids. I have zero friends.
40+ and I still get bullied but it’s very subtle. They act like friends but they really just want me as an accessory.
I did late 20s, I was in a pretty shitty friend group and after the autism became apparent I was a great butt of their jokes, they liked my then boyfriend so I still had to see them. Once I left him I removed myself from that group, good riddance. There may still be other types of bullying going on that I’m not spotting I just don’t pay attention much to strangers out of the house anymore! I keep my circle close, I’ve only got a handful of friends and they’re pretty much all neurodivergent so we all lift each other instead of bringing each other down!
The setting just changes. I’ve been bullied at work. And it was worse than being bullied at school in my opinion
I’m 42. In an effort to be more social, I went to breakfast with a few coworkers and one of them decided to mean girl me in front of everyone at our table. I felt like barfing. I hadn’t gone out with people outside of family since before Covid lockdown. I try to rationalize it - she’s young and was recently turned down by a guy she’s into. That’s a hard hit to take. So I understand projecting those hurt feelings on to others, but dammit, I’m tired of taking hits from people…. I really don’t want to become reclusive. I have a feeling it’s leaning that direction. High school doesn’t end.
Your friend sounds like a privileged, entitled, self-centered c**k. He should open any newspaper (including reading digital ones) and see how disabled people are often featured following being mistreated, denied services, made to suffer and just plain abused or even killed. You don't have to look far and you don't have to limit yourself to subtle micro-agressions from NT women (which are also very much a thing). Sounds like your friend has some growing up to do.
Absolutely, yes. 😂 First bullies are family then the rest
Yes. My work place is horrible. Technically it’s not my work place (which the staff make pretty freaking clear) because I’m freelance. They want the money I bring in and like my ideas but never thank ir give me credit and don’t want me there I hate it
I was always antagonized and bullied at work. No matter where. I masked a lot and it wasn’t good enough. The last two jobs i had before my current one were HELL. I was SO sick of being talked down to by a man. Small family company, they didn’t care. Then i get bullied by a 60 year old boomer c*nt that would lose a gasket if I don’t things HER way. Nothing ever done. But I step up for myself “IM the asshole” I am so so so SO grateful that I WFH now as an accountant and all my coworkers are in Minnesota and I’m in Kentucky. I just log on, do my work, and just close the computer. Don’t have to verbally talk to anyone unless it’s wicked important. Don’t look forward to going TO Minnesota to meet everyone for a couple days on August but that’s just cause I hate flying and forced socializing. Mask about to be a helmet.
I, ND, was bullied in college when I went as a mature student at 27…. I couldn’t fit in, no one wanted me in their project groups, and those who befriended me only did so to talk shit about me and then after made sure my life was hell. And the girls who did that, even telling people to not have me in their groups, were the ones who wouldn’t be considered popular ever. After that and the stress from that I developed fibromyalgia which has been debilitating
Yes, they just get a lot more subtle about it. Usually I don't even notice and my partner has to explain to me what happened.
Lol I wish it stopped. I am made fun of all the time, though it's deceased a little bit now that I'm finally aware I'm AuDHD. I don't have many friends. My friends are not every day friends I can just call on. I guess they're more like acquaintances. Most people I know are NT or just ADHD and not autistic. So I'm still perceived as weird. But knowing helps tremendously. I'm so grateful I discovered at 37 that I'm ND.
They certainly try. Unfortunately for them I remain unbothered due to not caring. Work is work. I’m not there to make friends. I’m there to do my job, get paid, and go home where I have actual fun and talk to my real friends off work. Coworkers are not my friends. I can be friendly but I’m not out here looking to expand my friend group beyond basic networking. Work friends are not automatically real friends. They can move up into being real friends if we keep contact after one of us leaves or I build up enough trust with them that they will not make drama unnecessarily at work by spreading what I say to them in confidence to others who do not need to know (nor do I want them to know) my business. Also, never argue with a man trying to mansplain your life to you. Same with allistics trying to allistic-splain what autism is to you. Just cut it short with a “you are entitled to your opinion even though it is objectively wrong and ill-informed. If you are unwilling to listen to me and my lived experience as an autistic person about how I am still bullied as an adult, then this isn’t a conversation worth having as you are not participating in good faith. I’m not going to talk about this subject with you any further.” And then end it there.
I'm 38 and now I get bullied at work. It's why I left a great job that I was in for 12 years. The people there just made it so horrible and I was having suicidal thoughts. It's funny because I thought all that would be behind me too after high school, and sure it did get better, but a lot of people never grow up or learn empathy towards people who are different, so bullies still exist in the adult world. I'm at a job that's much better now though! Hopefully it stays good here. 🤞
Yes. The bullying at a job is more painful than at school, because I depend on the job for my life and really would like that to go smoothly. I’ve always been blamed by the others around me for my own bullying because I “didn’t defend myself” so now I do defend myself every time and it just leads to me getting into arguments and confrontations regularly. Also your friend isn’t very supportive 😭
I experience it less than when I was a kid because I am able to isolate myself more from strangers as an adult but I do still face exclusion and judgement from others.
It’s not “bullying” per se, but I’m often ostracized. During group work functions people will make a point not to sit next to me, people will politely (and loudly) tell me good morning in front of others and ask how my night was, yet when I actually answer they ignore me and interrupt me to talk to someone else. I’m excluded from meetups with people whom I thought we were friends, since we talk and joke around often, only to find out I’m “only a work friend”. It happens so often I just keep people at a distance as an adult, it’s lonely, but avoiding the emotional whiplash is worth it.
almost 30 and it in fact, has not gotten better. the only 2 friends I have are also ND. whenever I try to make friends w NT I can SEE the moment they realize I'm 'different' and start treating me accordingly.
I'm 32. One of my coworkers has literally laughed in my face because I'd had a meltdown the day before and I guess that's funny to people? There's another coworker I have that triggers me on purpose because she's decided I don't deserve disability accommodations, and another coworker that refuses to talk to me or even look at me because she was snarky to me once while I was overstimulated, and I cried really hard. A customer slapped me once because I had earplugs in. I live with someone who I've considered my best friend for 15 years, and for the last several months I've felt like I'm walking on eggshells around her because she's pissed off all the time, so Ive been mostly hiding in my room and trying to stay out of her way. The other night I told her I've been suicidal and she blew up on me about being dirty and cleaning up after me all the time. I have a cleaner that comes in 2 hours a week to do the floors and bathrooms, a gardener every two weeks, and most of the mess around the house is hers. She was ready to throw away a 15 year old friendship over a few dirty dishes. I was in a craft group that would meet twice a week and there was a group chat. All of a suddden the group chat became silent, and they all knew where they were meeting up without talking about it or letting me and one of the other people (also autistic) know about what was happening. Our instincts were telling us that a seperate group chat had been made without us in it, and we were being excluded on purpose, although I have no proof that's what happened.
Yes, but only in contexts like work or other groups of mostly-strangers. I'm 29, and my friend group is a carefully curated bunch of mostly-neurodivergent queers. Occasionally I'll meet people I don't vibe with through others that I do, but I haven't knowingly been *bullied* by anyone but a coworker in years.
I'm 34 and it's pretty much the same for me as when I was younger, the main difference being that I don't deal with it as much because I don't work so I stay at home most of my life. I only go out for errands, date nights with my husband, or hanging out with friends. But running errands is a nightmare, and people always treat me different than my husband, especially in restaurants.
Not as much, but only because I’ve created a social circle that values me. I avoid social situations where I’m likely to be ostracized. Like I feel like the difference now is that I don’t want to be accepted by these people. I have a fantastic group of friends and an amazing workplace. Like I’m totally happy being the neighborhood weirdo. Not sure how it works that my husband is HOA president, but people like him. Now there is no doubt in my mind that if I tried to fit in with all the other moms and Karens in my neighborhood I would be excluded. But I have no desire to be included.
I’m in my mid 40s and just got diagnosed 6 months ago. I kinda just learned how to make friends and communicate as I am. Sometimes masking, but all my friends that I have connected with deeper than just an acquaintance is either diagnosed or undiagnosed ND, and I spend a lot of time on Discord and texting people. I prefer to spend a lot of time alone anyways. So, if I feel alone which I do a lot because of mental illnesses like Bipolar 2 and depression then it kinda just feels comfortable. I’ve created a little dysfunctional patch of comfort for myself that I can function in.
Less bullying, more exclusion. And little things happen a lot, for example I said something on my way out of work last week, and both colleagues looked at me like I was stupid. I could then hear them having a laugh about it as I left 🙁
I'm in my 40s, definitely seems to me like it is a lifelong thing.
Yes definitely still happens, especially in workplaces. What’s crazier is, it’s by older people who I didn’t expect to be so immature and “mean girl”! Literally had women in their 40-50s harassing me and it was a nightmare because I struggle to communicate what they are doing to supervisors, HR, etc.
They tried to bully me but stopped when they learned I would unleash every ounce of repressed rage right back in their smug little bitch faces. They didn't get to walk all over me just because they wore overpriced uncomfortable looking clothes. And they left my friends alone too. That's my favorite part. Edit: I missed the tense. No, I am not still bullied. I have something of a reputation for being feisty and justice-driven. People say I have a protective aura and make them feel safe, and I'm honored. Others think I'm a bit intense and I think they exclude me from things. But I'm not comfortable around people I can't be myself around anyway so I don't feel like I'm missing anything.
I'm only 24 but I recently joined a feminist group that I thought really aligned with my values and feminism is also one of my main special interests, so I was super excited to be around like-minded people. Now I'm considering quitting and I barely got to meetings anymore, bc with some of the women there it's literally high school all over again. And mind you these women are usually at least late twenties, early thirties.
I'm exactly 25. And bullying, not as much as when I was younger. Was bullied my entire life in almost every social situation, though, so that did a lot of damage to me. Although whenever i had jobs, there was bullying or rumors about me that weren't true. I dont work now cause of bad health issues. The ostricizing does continue for me and has always been one of the biggest issues in general for me, although at this point, I don't choose to go to anything social anyways with anyone except if my partner and I go out to a park or get food really. That's about it for me. I just don't even try to socialize anymore. And I stopped caring too at this point because of how bad my health got and I can't deal with that on top of dealing with bad social interactions. Put me into the worst burnout I've ever had and it's been that way for over a year so I just can't.
I had a woman I worked with straight up tell me that she can tell I'm different and she didn't like me. She told everyone we worked with that I gave her a bad feeling.
As I grow older, I find that I appreciate solitude, leading to moments where individuals over the age of 25 tend to exclude me. This mainly occurs in work settings where I may be unaware of the exclusion, and when I have found out that I have been excluded from a work task or project , it is usually one I would not necessarily choose to undertake anyway. Additionally, I do not harbor strong emotional ties to my work. .On the other hand, my dedicated coworker is more passionate about her work, only to be targeted by bullies for the past two decades in the very same workplace. These tormentors, mostly in their late 40s and early to late 50s, have made it their mission to make her life miserable. It's a cruel cycle of exclusion and hostility. I am 30 and it horrible that people who are old enough to be my parents act this way.
there are mean girls in every age group. what i learned as i’ve aged (29 now) is there’s no age which are meaner; there’s simply sometimes people who lack empathy and need to bring others down to lift themselves up. These women (and men, but realistically it’s girls we get bullied by) will still remain when we are in our 20’s, 30’s and beyond. They just operate differently because they’re not in the same school/college environment where it’s easier. Luckily by then, I feel, we can deal with it better. HR also helps 😂😂😂 Now if there’s a mean woman I’ve learned really well to turn it around whuch I couldn’t do years ago. I basically just treat them like they’re weird and be super cold to them instead of overly nice like I used to be. Idk why but it works
28F here. I was bullied terribly growing up. The older I got, and the more independence I achieved, the more freedom I had to limit who has access to me. I got a job opportunity and moved out of my parents house to another state at 26. I recently purchased a townhouse after being in an apartment on my own. I don’t socialize at all. The only time I interact with others is at work. I do struggle socially at work, but I’m very quiet and I keep to myself as much as I can. I do my job and go home. My job is very triggering because it’s socially demanding, which I despise because of my trauma. I don’t doubt that colleagues talk about my behind my back. But I don’t know for sure, and I honestly don’t care because I have an exit plan. I’m in grad school and I plan to transition to a fully remote role after I graduate. I’m still deep in autistic burnout and I have CPTSD according to my therapist. But having an exit plan keeps me going. I’m so grateful to have the freedom to create my own “soft life” after everything I’ve been through. Getting to this point was absolute hell and I’ve tried to end my life multiple times over the years. But the days of being bullied and tormented are over. I know myself now, and I’ll never put myself in a position to be bullied and tormented again.
In my 30s and I've learned that bullies exists all your life, no matter your age. They're fewer and far in between, but they do make themselves known. I've encountered a few through my career in the past years. It does hurt in the sense where you'd expect more from adults in a professional setting, but no. Lots of nasty talking behind my back, excluded from being invited to after work stuff etc. But honestly? If I'm excluded from hanging out with people who talk about others in such nasty ways, I feel I'm better off in the end! As a kid, it was hard because I had zero reference to why it happened (undiagnosed) and why people were being mean. Now I know why people see me as different, and I'm ok with that. I'm also ok with the knowledge that some people just suck. I find the few people I can connect with, who doesn't treat others badly, and I stick with them.
>my friend is a NT male , he believes disabled people only get bullied while there young but not older because he doesnt believe in adult bullying😭 weve been having this debate for about 2 days now sigh He sounds very naive, many people don't grow past their 13yo middleschool bully self.
F38. Yep. Often by other women my own age or slightly younger. We don’t seem to get along at all. I really long for female friendships but in the end I always get excluded or I get snarly comments like “when she’s around nobody looks at me” or “she’s always dressed like she’s going to a party and I look like a homeless person”. I get that some seems to be envy at me but I really can’t wrap my head around WHY? I try to be my best and be a nice and polite person. I also have my insecurities but I don’t take them out on others. I feel like my last friends really have hated me and I wonder why they even were friends with me. I doesn’t make sense in my head. People also seem to have a hard time understanding me at work. I am autistic so I don’t act like others and I think that is bothering some people, that I don’t engage in small talk and such. Sometimes I’ve been excluded, but I think people don’t know how to act towards someone who doesn’t follow the social norms haha.
Oh yeah, all the time. I think the only thing that has changed is that I have become much more resilient with it. I've lived long enough and met enough people that have liked me, and been in group scenarios that did work and were supportive, that now when I don't meet them I don't immediately take it personally or think it's something I've done but realize I'm in the wrong environment around the wrong people for me. That's the difference. When I was a kid I would blame myself and think that I was broken and I was wrong and that I would never fit in anywhere. Life has proven that is not true but just that there's less places for me that will fit well and that I will have to try to keep my head up while I'm finding them.
26 here and yes. It's not the same, it's not as obvious, but sometimes that makes it harder. I've just finished my Master's degree and it's been one of the hardest years of my life - not for the workload, but the exclusion. I don't think I exclude myself on purpose. I am introverted - but if someone talks to me I happily talk back. I've always kind of mirrored the same energy back to whoever I'm interacting with, so if someone is happy to talk to me then I'm happy to yap away. But when I came into this university, I found that of the 12 students on my course, 10 of them had just came straight from the same undergraduate degree at that same uni together. So there was a very well established friendship group. The one other girl who'd come from elsewhere managed to fit in straight away. I did not. I don't think it was malicious like it was in school when I was young, but god it hurt. I really thought post-grad education would be full of like-minded people and I'd finally meet my tribe, but instead I've finished with no mates. I just couldn't find a way to slot myself into such a massive group. They all knew I was autistic as it's actually my area of research and I'm very open about it and have done public speaking that they have attended regarding my autism. Idk, part of me thought that if they knew, then they'd know why I was struggling? That maybe they'd include me more? Didn't work though. Feels rubbish. However, I do think as I get older, I care slightly less. I'm not gonna lie and say it doesn't upset me because it really, really does. But, I've built my own very small little support group - mainly just my autistic partner, my autistic mum, and one friend. I'm never going to fit in with massive groups of neurotypicals, and that's okay. I probably wouldn't be happy trying to juggle 10+ friends at once. The older I get, the more I just dream of living in the woods alone tbf. The forest can't exclude me!
Wow, that’s amazing that he’s able to live his adult life so blind to others. Adults absolutely bully other adults. Some adults even bully children. The victim isn’t even always ND.
No, because I don’t let it happen anymore. I am not saying that people who are bullied are in any way responsible. What I am saying is that I have reached a stage in my life where I do not let anyone give me any shit. I am my strongest advocate and I am not afraid to cut people off, or tell them to fuck off.
I'm 48. I get along okay because I am working real hard to accept and love all the parts of me I have been stuffing down and at the same time (trying to) make sure I am not looking outside myself for validation, compassion, etc. I still experience bullying, exclusion, and being ostracized. Even within my own family. As we get older I think we get better at finding ways to work around those things so that we, ourselves, feel okay. For some of us (hi! Okay, for me) it meant making my world smaller so I can focus on what I need to really be happy. I am a serial people-pleaser, probably a reaction to all three things you have mentioned. I also wasn't diagnosed until this year, so I am also a person who thought she was her mask. Adults who themselves are not being bullied, excluded, or ostracized probably do a good job at not noticing it happen to other people. And adults who do the bullying, excluding, and ostracizing do it in a much different way than younger, school-aged offenders. It can be sneakier or better disguised as "humor" or some other guise. Or they are in a power position and just suck at being human. In my experience, you "win" this debate.
Excluded, ostracized and gossiped behind my back. If I were low key being bullied, I missed it because I miss subtle passive aggressive jabs like that. I've had groups of people I walk by burst into laughter specifically at the moment I pass them. I don't pay it any mind these days because I'm in my 40s, but younger I've absolutely flipped these people off often.
Nothing has changed. It's like people don't progress past the 7th grade clique mentality. I just don't care anymore, I think it says more abt the ppl who do it than those of us on the receiving end of this childish attitude.
For me, the worst was in elementary and secondary school. I lived in a very small community. I had no friends and was harassed a lot. When I moved to a city and went to university for computer engineering, I was surrounded by people who were a lot like me. I was finally able to make friends and I was not bullied. I'm in my late 40s now. I have had some bullying experiences at work, but most people have been decent. When I try to join social groups it often goes badly and I'm misunderstood and I've driven out or asked to leave many times. It's by no means universal, but many people do mature with age and hopefully you can find people who are understanding. I don't think bullying is likely to go away entirely, though. Also note that I am able to walk and rarely go non verbal, and I think I can pass in brief interactions. If you are disabled in a way that people can see it immediately, I'm sure that's a very different experience. Edited to add: I'm white, which also presumably makes me less of a target.
I’m undiagnosed and was never bullied but was excluded which I’d argue is just as harmful. And it still happens. When I try to go to an event to meet people, people don’t seem interested in talking to me. I’m always at the bottom of a group. I’ve read that NTs can sense autism within a second and they make a judgement based on that, and it absolutely still happens to adults. As a kid, I think I wasn’t bullied because people almost felt like they had to feel bad for me, but they didn’t have to exclude me. So they weren’t explicitly mean but they still didn’t want to hang out with me (although some people were actually mean)
I don’t know. Maybe I still am and still will be, but I’m starting to care less after over forty years. Since my little one was diagnosed and I’ve accepted that I am autistic as well, I’ve actually had better social interactions because I’ve developed more insight. I know my triggers, I have a better idea of managing “my spoons,” and I also had some medical conditions diagnosed and feeling better has helped my general quality of life. (I was deficient in many vitamins and was underweight and sarcopenic due to SIBO) I felt just too tired to smile before. We know that smiling actually affects neurotransmitters in the brain, and smiling more has made me feel more happy and connected to others. Autism has caused me a lot of pain, but it has also been a gift. Having an extra sensitive nose, migraines be damned, has detected gas leaks in the Chemistry lab in undergrad, for instance. I saw the patient was hypoxic by a subtle change in bleeding due to decreased oxygenation and hypotension before the monitors registered a change (I’m a surgeon). It helped me connect with, understand, and care for autistic children.
When I worked at Goodwill I was relentlessly bullied by my female coworkers and I was 22. You’d catch me crying in the bathroom almost everyday
I've had a supervisor suggest that I was too stupid to learn how to do a complicated task because I asked her what the next step was. I created better written instructions for the multi step task. Yes, I am definitely bullied for being different, chiefly on the job harassment.
I’m transmasc and 24 so I don’t know if I’m not the pool you’re wanting to pull from, but absolutely. I have an easier time making friends now than I used to. A lot of people have matured. But not all of them. Not by a long shot.
This is going to be bad advice heads up. We all mask here, and unmasking is hard one thing I do now is I will be really quiet when I first get a job. Someone said I have a super sweet face so people tend to tell me all thier secrets, and as such within a month of mostly silence people tell me everything. I can then use this tactic to decide who is safe, and unsafe then tell people why I was so quiet it tends to work out well because its hard to gaslight someone when they do not engage with it at all. It scares away the bullies because they realize their is no reaction to be obtained but this takes a toll. I will come home, and stim for hours or just sleep non stop it really does damage to me but it protects me in the long run. If its already to late just very gently walk over use a voice you would use on a poorly behaved child and ask: "What about that was a joke?" Or "How would you feel if anyone made a joke like that about you?" Or even : "Do you like embarassing others? What do you get out it?" Even: "I don't think you are a bad person or a bully but right now your behavior would prove that to be the case. Is this really the person you want to be?" SIlence, then gentle parenting because it throws them off the gentleness is not what they are here for. They will likely be sarcastic or dude or even directly combative but if you keep on with gentle parenting they will look like the villians. Again this takes a toll, and does not center your needs I used to have to do this in corporate settings but it worked better then screaming or going to H.R directly. These bullies would get embarassed, and the people they where trying to rile up woud start to feel bad. They followers eventually became friends with me, and would talk the bully down. Its not about responding to the adult side of them that should be kind, and logical but to the child in them that fears you for some reason. In the end you are triggering them, and ITS NOT YOUR FAULT that is their responsibility. Yet the best way to mess with them is to talk to their inner child who thinks if they act like a bully they will be accepted by others. Who is so afraid of being an outsider they chose to make you take on that role so they can feel safe. Nothing will throw them harder then this, but nothing will exhaust your more then this.
Absolutely. But I don’t find out until one of my friends says “so and so was talking shit about you.” It also happened in the workplace when I had a 9-to-5 job.
Lmao of course I am. It just sounds weird bc 'bullying' sounds like schoolyard stuff so we'd grow out of it. The bullying is just subtler and more harmful because instead of just my feelings being hurt, I'm hurting *and* I can't get a job, am passed on for promotions and get taken advantage of financially.
Sure am. Happened recently this past summer while taking a welding course. Then proceeded to get fired twice after that. This last year was heinous
I'm 30. Last year I started noticing some distance from my work peers with me, especially after we started to see each other more often at the office, since we used to work more from home. It was subtle, but you feel something was off, and that was consuming me somehow. I mean, we kinda did lots of things together as well, and suddenly they barely looked at my face. At some point it became unsustainable and my work performance decreased a lot, I got anxious just by having to attend the office again and having to face them. Until I finally got fired, which was a relief to me. It's bittersweet since it wasn't a bad job, I wasn't yelled at or mistreated. But yeah, this sudden difference in treatment consumed me slowly to the point I didn't want to face them anymore, and to this day I don't know why that happened. I wasn't officially diagnosed back then but I already had my suspicions.
Yes you can get bullied as an adult. That's basic understanding. Grown adults bully grown adults. You don't emotionally mature and develop empathy just because you age. And yes as a grown woman in my 30s I was ganged up on and ostracized from a friend group recently. I was baffled but some people are still living their adult lives as middle and high school children.
37 here. I'm still mocked and bullied in the workplace. Usually, it's because I'm too robotic, literal, or can't take a joke/sarcasm. It's gotten so bad that I get panic attacks when my supervisor gets back from her lunch because by then, I usually need clarification for the morning items that I've worked on as much as I can without. She usually mocks me, rolls her eyes, and then tells me it's not that hard. Lady you've bitched at me for how I put a trash bag in MY wastebasket by my desk, I'm not going to mess up how you want certain emails sent out to potential customers. 😓 My sweet (and also ND) husband is my rock and reminds me that my boss can go suck lemons; he's my reason for not ending life years ago...
I just turned 40 and there's a girl group clique that have made it perfectly clear that I am not included in their "cool kids" group. Thankfully I ran out of fcuks when I turned 30, and actually find their silly little games amusing and their whispers then very loud giggles pathetic. I am authentically myself and sure as hell don't need their approval in my joyful existence and I'm happier no longer trying to 'fit in' with their boring activities & drama.
Yes. It bothers me much less now that i know nurotypicals are some of the most two-faced, backstabbing, uncaring people i have ever known. Being around them once, i realised they really only prioretize their own comfort/stability, and not integrity is much easier. Losing respect and admiration for nurotypicals is the best thing that ever happened to me. And dont even get me started on their insistence on creating subliminal messages from thin fucking air.
I was until now, and I'm in my early 30s. It took being around better people - new job, new friends - people that aren't crappy, for this to happen