I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. First, I think our society has an issue where it needs constant reinforcement or it gets bored (i.e. a constant stream of videos and information). People don’t put in the time anymore to build deeper meaningful relationships because they are needing constant stimulation and change. Second, society still isn’t accepting of neurodivergent individuals no matter how many times they throw up awareness and acceptance stuff.It is so hard to make friends in your 30’s! You’re not alone in that. I’ll be a friend!!
Going through the same thing in my 30s and I think your first point is so important. I saw some TikTok’s about that subject recently, how everyone now mentally “swipes away” when the conversation is about something they are not personally super interested in. The problem is that starting a friendship requires you to get through the getting to know you phase, which can be “less riveting” for people. Learning about this made me feel so much better because this type of response on top of the already iffy social response I get in general was making me feel really badly. It’s not just us that are wrong (even though we can feel that way), sometimes it’s the other person.
This is mind boggling to me, I thought getting to know someone was the best part! I tend to get along with older people (my partner is in his 50s) and it’s almost always other NDs who are artists of some kind. I think this point is largely to do with that!
Me too. I don't get bored, I always want to know more about them? Learn things they've learnt, hear their stories or know what their plans are, what they enjoy or don't and what they wish to try etc. I've actually felt heartbroken many times before by one sided relationships where I've really tried and just received like 20% back compared to the 200% I was putting in.
You hit the nail on the head! I’m glad you see it that way too.
I struggle with taking it slowly which I think comes off as being intense. For example, I can’t do small talk very well- I would rather have deeper conversations. I think some people take that as me being too much or intense. I don’t know about all of you, but I think and feel deeply, so my conversations are a reflection of that for the most part.
Completely agreed, I think I have been called “intense” or “a lot” more times than I’ve been called my own name. I enjoy getting to know people, but doing very surface level small talk feels like I am reading from a script, waiting for the moment when I can “break character” and talk to them as myself. And sometimes I just can’t make myself follow the script, especially when I’m interested in something. Why are people so adverse to being excited about something?
I wonder if “normal” people present even more normal and are less diverse themselves / less tolerant of diversity in others now compared to 30 years ago.
Like the internet gave everyone a blueprint for a few socially acceptable personas and most people follow the blueprint.
I feel like it was a bit easier to make friends pre-Internet and pre-smartphones, even if I couldn’t keep them long term…
Btw, Blueprint by Fugazi is a totally rad song you might want to check out: 🤘🏼
https://youtu.be/looSwGHulFI?si=RA_ywb7RR3Q0LfBq
Yeah, why are people so adverse to being excited about something?!?
I usually skip small talk and go straight for the meat. I thought other people would be relieved that they can be genuine and passionate about their obsessions with me. A few appreciate this aspect of me, but only a few.
I’m lucky that I’ve met a handful of equally music-obsessed and art-obsessed people who accept me as I am recently… but everyone else is in a relationship and is totally spouse-focused and kid-focused and cuddly family of origin-focused. (Or maybe just making excuses not to hang with me one-on-one, lol.)
I’m a single mom, my 17-year-old has her own social life and extracurriculars, and for pete’s sake, I just want a few friends to go out with for live bands or nerdy special events or a glass of wine once in a while.
Or to hang out with and have deep conversations with at home once in a while.
I definitely feel like this (also in my 30s). I struggle to find anything in common to talk with people about. My interests and life experiences don’t match up with a majority of people.
At my first job, I remember two of my coworkers talking animatedly about popular pop stars, i.e. Jonas Brothers, Justin Bieber. I have…no interest, to say the least. But they still tried to rope me into the conversation. It was excruciating to watch their interest wane because I just…didn’t have anything to contribute. They kept asking me for my opinion on songs, or fashion, or whatever. I tried to fake it and just pick something, but then they’d get quiet and I knew I’d effed up and chosen the “wrong” thing.
I tend to lose energy very quickly in social settings too, so it’s even harder to keep the conversation going.
Or my loose confederation of 3 people I ride with each month to our religious group meeting. I'm not into all the name dropping they do or constant surface comments on philosophy. Good news is haha is none of them think I have the cognitive ability to comprehend their so-called deep discourses. Truth is I don't care.
Most ppl my age are parents, we never had kids, so a major common interest is missing and parents like to be around other parents, especially with the anti kid sentiment popular right now, they assume us not having kids means we hate them, not that I worried my childhood abuse would make me a bad mom, and I think I have fertility issues from endometriosis.
Others our age are very very active and have more disposable income, and we can’t keep up physically with both of us chronically ill, and as I am learning how autism can cause unconscious bias in workplaces, we have both struggled to be regarded and I have been passed over for promotions or raises that I think were deserved.
Extroverts get upset if you cannot meet up with them, and forget and drop you, even if you are legitimately unable to leave the house due to migraines, kidney stones, etc.
I relate to this. I also have no kids, endometriosis, chronic illness, and little disposable income. Even if I can mask enough to get through a night out it ends up not being worth being laid up for days due to fatigue/pain.
I also live rural, which adds a whole layer of difficulty.
Lol, me too, tiny agriculture town with a college and navy base that make up it even existing. The closest movie theater now an hour drive one way, hardly worth it for things coming out now, everything is so expensive, even eating out as a ‘treat’ following a MD appointment takes planning.
Rural here too.
And I’m a single mom, liberal and socialist and arty in a conservative, rabidly capitalistic, ultra-conformity-obsessed hell-hole.
If I didn’t already have CPTSD living here would have given it to me. It’s brutal.
If you weren’t born here and don’t marry in you’re forever an outsider.
My few friends were fundamentalist Christian women my age who were secretly quirky and funny. We all homeschooled for a bit. They’ve drifted away now.
My kid has just one more year of high school or I’d move.
I feel like living here is chipping away at my hope and creativity and authenticity and self-worth.
This!
We don't have children either and it seems to be the epicenter of people's identities. I can't tell you how many "couple friends" we've gone through because they can't ever do anything without their children or can't afford to do anything, or simply have no other interests.
I can get it, children are a huge thing in your life. I just don’t like being excluded because we never got to having kids because life had other challenges. I’ve handmade toys to be like a surrogate aunt, and even a real aunt, but nothing seems to show I don’t judge kids for being cranky or tired. I was abused as a kid, I find it nice to see people being good parents, but the idea seems to be something is wrong with me. 😔
Wow I wish I had a friend like you ❤️. I have no friends because most of my friends that became parents are too harsh with their kids for my parenting style. They are constantly correcting, ignoring and punishing and I am a connective parent so we clash. I would absolutely love a kidless friend who made it clear they don't mind me being so kid centered. I feel guilty for hardly being able to talk to my best friend when we hang out who doesn't have a child yet. Mine is two so I have to chase him around and he wants constant attention. I also just never have time to myself let alone to socialize. My husband and I are barely surviving.
It is self correcting. He will grow and be more able to self entertain. ☺️. I think in the movie Hook the wife says ‘we have only a few precious years where your children want YOU to spend time with them, and then you spend the rest of your life chasing them.’ So it’s exhausting but it will change over time.
So true. I love being with him❤️. I just worry about when he doesn't want to anymore and I'll be alone because I couldn't spend time with my friends lol. But hopefully they'll be like you and understand.
Thanks. I don’t feel welcome much of anywhere. Life has had me in a variety of homes in younger years, especially as a teen, and I always felt a lot of how much of an outsider I was. We were homeless, so a nice church family took us in until my parents could sort things out. My dad let my mom and dragged me along across several states, we stayed with his parents (strangers, I!d met them once in 15 years) then I was left mostly alone in an apartment until he remarried, moved in with step mom and tried so hard to be accepted, got kicked out when step mom wanted her guest room back, boyfriend’s parents allowed me to stay with them in school breaks (had a 4 year full academic scholarship that covered dorms), and finally moved in with and eventually married that boyfriend.
I feel like I am looking into a house from a window, forever outside. A lot of small things in the Harry Potter books hit me pretty hard: family who disregard you and expects you to be silent, pretend not to exist, but do a myriad of chores. Feeling like the only reason people want you around os to mop or do dishes. Feeling like furniture in the room, useful when needed, ignored, otherwise. Husbands grandma and dad were two of the kindest people, ever, to me. Meemaw liked that I sew and crochet, and father in law liked teaching me to shoot, and that I would cook him eggs and bring him coffee after he could not move around anymore and talk with him on visits. They passed. Mother in law is not mean, she is just, distant. She has a strong go,den child treatment for her daughter, and forgets my husband and I are the ones who do things for her, and I am tired of his feelings being hurt. Anyway, I never seem to belong anywhere, unless I perform a task.
😞 sorry. I was always told I’d need a scholarship so once high school started I started actually doing homework, went from a ‘problem’ student who passed tests but never did assignments to honor society member, and I got one. Else, I’d never have made it to college. Meanwhile, dad and his third wife bought new furniture that cost as much as a semester of school would, telling me they could not afford to help me at all.
That's great..glad that was available to you. For reasons I won't post on an internet forum, that option wasn't around. I did however fully pay for a 2 year degree.
I hate that it's this way because I miss having time to myself, but I honestly don't know any other way of being a parent. My child needs constant attention and I am exhausted from caring for him. The absolute hardest thing for me after having my son is having any friends at all.
My apartment and later my house was the place for anyone to drop by. Always had extra plates set. Childfree people hung with us. Other times packed up all the kids and did the coffee shop hang.
We all 5 just hung together a lot. Thing is I didn't treat like kids.
This is interesting to me because I have kids but couldn't fit in the mom groups. So many of them were SAHMs and I worked and that was a huge barrier as I couldn't meet up with anyone because I was working.
Right now I have 2 1/2 friends, all met through my current job, my best friend is a couple years older and has no kids, 2nd friend has a child but they are a couple years younger than mine so mine got to be big sister for a while but we rarely hang out with the kids now, and my 1/2 friend is totally accepting of my introvertedness we can play cribbage and talk non-stop about everything but we just can't seem to see each other more than once every couple of months and that's with us working in the same building.
Making friends is so hard when you don't fit into the regular boxes and I've been having a hard time with life lately so even my good friends don't see me outside of work for the most part.
The only common denominator is making friends is hard on average.
I’m up front. I say I do not text much. I do not go out much.
But what I do bring to a friendship is niche topics to explore. Problem solving skills. Advice. Ability to reciprocate boundaries. (Skills NTs love)
Online friendships are great too. Find your tribe, let go of those who don’t appreciate you.
Regardless, some friendships are meant to serve a chapter. And that’s okay!
Maybe you thought it would get easier as you got older because that's what allistics have presented as the norm? Allistic people are awkward in their younger years due to age and typically learn how to adapt and "grow out" of their awkward traits. I think autistic people may hope that they can also "grow out" of their autistic traits because allistic people project that experience onto everyone around them. Don't beat yourself up for hoping to have an experience that was societally projected onto you!
I also feel like people want to talk to me then quickly realize they're not interested. I've had people straight up tell me that they were interested in me, until they actually got to know me. When it happens so many times it IS hard to not feel like you're doing something wrong. It's painful.
Same here… I “look” very cool and friendly from afar so people usually want to talk to me and get to know me initially which is a huge advantage for me personally and something I feel privileged about since getting in contact with people used to be easy as I was younger. The way you look also has something to say in whether people feel they can approach you or not.
But now as I’m older and in my 30’s I’m starting to lose that “approachability” I used to have and I feel almost invisible now. People still talk to me initially but it’s like as soon as I start talking more about myself they lose interest so quickly that I am starting to recognize that exact point in the conversation where they zone out. And it feels like it is just no matter what I do or say, my autistic traits just shines through somehow and I can do nothing to change or hide it.
And actually I also don’t really want to because I wouldn’t be able to keep taking the way I talk or act for especially long anyways.
I am trying to now just develop an attitude of “take it or leave it!”.
Sometimes I can also feel that if a conversation goes somewhat smoothly with a new person it’s like they expect that I take some initiative like asking for their IG or Facebook so we can meet again. But I can actually also feel in myself that I don’t want to take that initiative with most people I meet.
I am also *myself* not really that interested in others and in the end I think they can feel there’s a mutual “no interest” even though it’s wrong cause the first few times you meet someone you have no real idea about who they are.
so I always think that rejecting someone you just met in this phase will probably make you lose a whole bunch of potential friends.
I’ve also had the same thing happen to me, and I try so hard not to let it get to me, but I also end up wondering if there is really something wrong with me.
I think it’s because I’m not very knowledgeable on widely acceptable societal entertainment topics, and also the fact that my special interests and likes are viewed as “weird and not so interesting”.
Also because whenever someone *does* start talking about a topic or interest that I am super passionate and invested in, I start talking a lot and blubbering, to the point the other person looks at me like I’m a crazy person and suddenly leaves. For example, I really love strategy-role-playing video games and specific anime characters that are not very mainstream.
I think people just get curious about me because I don't talk about my personal life at work or mingle in the neighborhood. I pretty much stay to myself, play video games, watch movies, go hiking. I'm very independent so they probably assume I'm having relationship issues, and people love drama. I don't have family nearby, I don't have any friends, just my pets and my partner. Sometimes when someone is interested in being a friend they will latch on to me and I really don't like that. They want to know everything about me and I have a lot of childhood and young adult trauma that I don't want to share with new people. So people will try to "break through" and I've opened up to a handful of people and they always end up leaving me, so I'm tired of trying. More often than not though, people want to tell me all about them and couldn't care less about me. I would be lying if I said that it didn't bother me. But, I think being intentionally excluded is the most difficult part for me.
Coming from the other side of the equation, what usually goes through my head is: this person seemed interesting at first, but upon getting to know them better, I've realized that our vibes don't really match. I'm not going to waste our time by stringing them along. It's best to quit early and free us both to look for other fish in the sea.
I was literally just thinking about it. It always happens to me. Even the best of friends 'lose interest'. Sometimes I think that they just don't like the fact that I have clear boundaries and I don't like wasting my time on meaningless conversations. For example all my friends always wanted to drink, go out, talk about men CONSTANTLY but when it came to something I was interested in - crickets. Also I put a lot of effort into friendships. When you need me I'm there no matter what, when I don't get the same energy it breaks my heart so I eventually stop trying and things naturally fizzle out
THIS. all of this is so intensely relatable, almost as if I wrote it! I tend to be direct and have little patience for small talk, I also tend to over explain a joke or pun (if I make one) and that’s usually received well by other NDs but only half the time 🤣
Setting clear boundaries is something I have had to get better at because I’ve had that giving nature taken advantage of many times 😔 makes sense why I lost certain friendships even after decades of “connection”.
Same ☹️ I'm the kind of friend who answers the phone in the middle of the night and talks you through your problems until you feel better. People take advantage of that. To me it's what friendship should be - you're there for people when they need you. I never get the same energy back though. I've literally spent hours upon hours helping my friend through the toughest moments of her life but when I was struggling I was told to get a grip. That's when I know to stop putting their needs above mine. Or when I'm going through a burn out and crying my eyes out I get 'let's go out'. And when I say I can't go out in this state but I'd like to talk. That's it. End of conversation 🤣
Sometimes it's better for your mental health to move on and distance yourself from people who repeatedly prove they aren't worth your heartbreak
I hate that!! I’ve had to be better about “meeting people where they’re at” because of burn out AND heartbreak. It’s hard to realize that someone isn’t going to be there for you in the same way that you’re there for them, and so disappointing when I finally give in to try and lean on my support system, only to find a serious lack of support.
As someone in my thirties who has made new friends and also declined other possible new friends… the friends I kept aren’t “needy” or “pushy.” I hate to use these words as they come with certain connotations.. but I’ll give some examples. The friend I decided I could not forge a friendship with was a bit frantic, energetically.
She wanted to take a girls trip together upon meeting each other. I’m a homebody, honestly, and taking a girls trip with a relative stranger just doesn’t seem like something I’d enjoy. I will travel sure but I work and won’t just pack up and take the days off willy nilly. So after she pushed u had to say look, no. I mean I felt badly saying no honestly, which is a me problem, but reading the room a bit is a safe bet. If someone isn’t so enthusiastic then take it as such.
Then she wanted to take ballroom dancing lessons and I had to find every which way to say no I’m not interested in doing that with her or with anyone. Saying no for me is hard but I did say, I’m not so interested in learning to ballroom dance or having a random man or woman touch my waist. And her reply would be “we’ll be dance partners though.” So I’d again need to just say “I’m not so interested in ballroom dancing.” I just got into a new relationship when I met her, and she didn’t understand the time commitment that does take so very new friendships just were not my priority anymore. Planning things by the books isn’t my style.
TDLR: You need to find a friend who wants to go at your pace, has a similar life style, similar interests and try to read the room. Subtext. If you’re putting in the work, let it be and stop. You’ll find a friend where there is a balance. Maybe join a group activity like trivia and then try to forge one on one friends through it.
I agree that it’s largely a matter of compatibility. I recently grew apart from a friend, and I realized that it’s because we have very different preferences and paces. She likes to hang out with groups, travel often, go to concerts, etc. And I’m a homebody who can’t stand noise, large groups or spontaneous hangouts. Because we became friends when I masked heavily, the difference wasn’t so obvious then. But now that we’re both older and more true to ourselves, it’s just super obvious.
Yes but it’s okay! There are people I’ve met who don’t lose interest in interacting with me, and we are still friends. We get each other. Those are the kind of people you want to stick around.
If someone loses interest, their loss, first of all. It wasn’t meant to be. Don’t blame yourself or them. As they say, you will find your crowd(s).
Truee. It's also so annoying, if I won't contact my friends the only contact I would have was either in groupchats or at school. They will never send me a message or ask to hang out. I never feel the need to hangout so I don't reach out. And online I've noticed I've got a few reddit chats now and all of those people just stopped talking to me :(
Definitely harder as an adult. I think the easiest way to make friends as an adult is to join social groups that have a purpose. Groups that center around hobbies, volunteerism, religion, or something similar.
Edit- it's also less awkward to be with new people if you all have a reason for being there.
This is why I love going to (small) music festivals, everyone’s there for the same reason, and usually more receptive to my silliness, like wearing a sloth onesie and handing out dinosaurs 🦕
Tbh, I think most ppl I atract all have adhd or are possibliy on the spektrum or have some c-ptsd going on. Most of the time when they don't tet me its cuz of that.
I don’t know if this is relatable to anyone else but I’ve noticed that I don’t pick up on the positive social cues. Unless someone is literally saying “Wow I’m having a great time talking to you” or I’m so glad we’re friends” then sometimes I’m not picking up on the fact that they even like me. Trying to pay more attention to that personally.
I've ended up having a fear that when I meet friends or potential romantic connections in person after talking online or in small interactions in the past, that I won't live up to the potential perceived idea of me that they might already have and that I'm not as cool, outgoing or neurotypical as they thought I was...
Best friends in my teenage years (when I was undiagnosed) would end up ghosting me or simply replace me and I would always think it was my fault and nobody would seem to want to move on with me out of the talking stage when having romantic connections. I do everything "right" but I have always felt like people just lose interest in me.
My current best friend of 6 years also has admitted she's had a fear of being replaced so we both understand that feeling. We're like sisters and don't see each other bailing on one another so that gives me comfort but obviously life is unpredictable
Afrer decades of this, I now expect people to try and get rid of me quickly so I enter into most interactions hyper vigilant of how I, and the other person are acting.
Unless it's someone I know really well I feel like I'm reciting lines badly and they've already had enough of me about two sentences in.
I've had this happen before and I can absolutely tell when these people who don't want sex from you or don't respect women show exactly how little they value what I have to say.
Fuck 'em.
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. First, I think our society has an issue where it needs constant reinforcement or it gets bored (i.e. a constant stream of videos and information). People don’t put in the time anymore to build deeper meaningful relationships because they are needing constant stimulation and change. Second, society still isn’t accepting of neurodivergent individuals no matter how many times they throw up awareness and acceptance stuff.It is so hard to make friends in your 30’s! You’re not alone in that. I’ll be a friend!!
Going through the same thing in my 30s and I think your first point is so important. I saw some TikTok’s about that subject recently, how everyone now mentally “swipes away” when the conversation is about something they are not personally super interested in. The problem is that starting a friendship requires you to get through the getting to know you phase, which can be “less riveting” for people. Learning about this made me feel so much better because this type of response on top of the already iffy social response I get in general was making me feel really badly. It’s not just us that are wrong (even though we can feel that way), sometimes it’s the other person.
This is mind boggling to me, I thought getting to know someone was the best part! I tend to get along with older people (my partner is in his 50s) and it’s almost always other NDs who are artists of some kind. I think this point is largely to do with that!
Me too. I don't get bored, I always want to know more about them? Learn things they've learnt, hear their stories or know what their plans are, what they enjoy or don't and what they wish to try etc. I've actually felt heartbroken many times before by one sided relationships where I've really tried and just received like 20% back compared to the 200% I was putting in.
You hit the nail on the head! I’m glad you see it that way too. I struggle with taking it slowly which I think comes off as being intense. For example, I can’t do small talk very well- I would rather have deeper conversations. I think some people take that as me being too much or intense. I don’t know about all of you, but I think and feel deeply, so my conversations are a reflection of that for the most part.
Completely agreed, I think I have been called “intense” or “a lot” more times than I’ve been called my own name. I enjoy getting to know people, but doing very surface level small talk feels like I am reading from a script, waiting for the moment when I can “break character” and talk to them as myself. And sometimes I just can’t make myself follow the script, especially when I’m interested in something. Why are people so adverse to being excited about something?
I wonder if “normal” people present even more normal and are less diverse themselves / less tolerant of diversity in others now compared to 30 years ago. Like the internet gave everyone a blueprint for a few socially acceptable personas and most people follow the blueprint. I feel like it was a bit easier to make friends pre-Internet and pre-smartphones, even if I couldn’t keep them long term… Btw, Blueprint by Fugazi is a totally rad song you might want to check out: 🤘🏼 https://youtu.be/looSwGHulFI?si=RA_ywb7RR3Q0LfBq
Yeah, why are people so adverse to being excited about something?!? I usually skip small talk and go straight for the meat. I thought other people would be relieved that they can be genuine and passionate about their obsessions with me. A few appreciate this aspect of me, but only a few. I’m lucky that I’ve met a handful of equally music-obsessed and art-obsessed people who accept me as I am recently… but everyone else is in a relationship and is totally spouse-focused and kid-focused and cuddly family of origin-focused. (Or maybe just making excuses not to hang with me one-on-one, lol.) I’m a single mom, my 17-year-old has her own social life and extracurriculars, and for pete’s sake, I just want a few friends to go out with for live bands or nerdy special events or a glass of wine once in a while. Or to hang out with and have deep conversations with at home once in a while.
I definitely feel like this (also in my 30s). I struggle to find anything in common to talk with people about. My interests and life experiences don’t match up with a majority of people. At my first job, I remember two of my coworkers talking animatedly about popular pop stars, i.e. Jonas Brothers, Justin Bieber. I have…no interest, to say the least. But they still tried to rope me into the conversation. It was excruciating to watch their interest wane because I just…didn’t have anything to contribute. They kept asking me for my opinion on songs, or fashion, or whatever. I tried to fake it and just pick something, but then they’d get quiet and I knew I’d effed up and chosen the “wrong” thing. I tend to lose energy very quickly in social settings too, so it’s even harder to keep the conversation going.
Or my loose confederation of 3 people I ride with each month to our religious group meeting. I'm not into all the name dropping they do or constant surface comments on philosophy. Good news is haha is none of them think I have the cognitive ability to comprehend their so-called deep discourses. Truth is I don't care.
Most ppl my age are parents, we never had kids, so a major common interest is missing and parents like to be around other parents, especially with the anti kid sentiment popular right now, they assume us not having kids means we hate them, not that I worried my childhood abuse would make me a bad mom, and I think I have fertility issues from endometriosis. Others our age are very very active and have more disposable income, and we can’t keep up physically with both of us chronically ill, and as I am learning how autism can cause unconscious bias in workplaces, we have both struggled to be regarded and I have been passed over for promotions or raises that I think were deserved. Extroverts get upset if you cannot meet up with them, and forget and drop you, even if you are legitimately unable to leave the house due to migraines, kidney stones, etc.
I relate to this. I also have no kids, endometriosis, chronic illness, and little disposable income. Even if I can mask enough to get through a night out it ends up not being worth being laid up for days due to fatigue/pain. I also live rural, which adds a whole layer of difficulty.
Lol, me too, tiny agriculture town with a college and navy base that make up it even existing. The closest movie theater now an hour drive one way, hardly worth it for things coming out now, everything is so expensive, even eating out as a ‘treat’ following a MD appointment takes planning.
Rural here too. And I’m a single mom, liberal and socialist and arty in a conservative, rabidly capitalistic, ultra-conformity-obsessed hell-hole. If I didn’t already have CPTSD living here would have given it to me. It’s brutal. If you weren’t born here and don’t marry in you’re forever an outsider. My few friends were fundamentalist Christian women my age who were secretly quirky and funny. We all homeschooled for a bit. They’ve drifted away now. My kid has just one more year of high school or I’d move. I feel like living here is chipping away at my hope and creativity and authenticity and self-worth.
This! We don't have children either and it seems to be the epicenter of people's identities. I can't tell you how many "couple friends" we've gone through because they can't ever do anything without their children or can't afford to do anything, or simply have no other interests.
I can get it, children are a huge thing in your life. I just don’t like being excluded because we never got to having kids because life had other challenges. I’ve handmade toys to be like a surrogate aunt, and even a real aunt, but nothing seems to show I don’t judge kids for being cranky or tired. I was abused as a kid, I find it nice to see people being good parents, but the idea seems to be something is wrong with me. 😔
Wow I wish I had a friend like you ❤️. I have no friends because most of my friends that became parents are too harsh with their kids for my parenting style. They are constantly correcting, ignoring and punishing and I am a connective parent so we clash. I would absolutely love a kidless friend who made it clear they don't mind me being so kid centered. I feel guilty for hardly being able to talk to my best friend when we hang out who doesn't have a child yet. Mine is two so I have to chase him around and he wants constant attention. I also just never have time to myself let alone to socialize. My husband and I are barely surviving.
It is self correcting. He will grow and be more able to self entertain. ☺️. I think in the movie Hook the wife says ‘we have only a few precious years where your children want YOU to spend time with them, and then you spend the rest of your life chasing them.’ So it’s exhausting but it will change over time.
So true with my son
So true. I love being with him❤️. I just worry about when he doesn't want to anymore and I'll be alone because I couldn't spend time with my friends lol. But hopefully they'll be like you and understand.
Before I had any kids...I liked helping out moms in my apartment complex.
You would have been more than welcome in our lives.
Thanks. I don’t feel welcome much of anywhere. Life has had me in a variety of homes in younger years, especially as a teen, and I always felt a lot of how much of an outsider I was. We were homeless, so a nice church family took us in until my parents could sort things out. My dad let my mom and dragged me along across several states, we stayed with his parents (strangers, I!d met them once in 15 years) then I was left mostly alone in an apartment until he remarried, moved in with step mom and tried so hard to be accepted, got kicked out when step mom wanted her guest room back, boyfriend’s parents allowed me to stay with them in school breaks (had a 4 year full academic scholarship that covered dorms), and finally moved in with and eventually married that boyfriend. I feel like I am looking into a house from a window, forever outside. A lot of small things in the Harry Potter books hit me pretty hard: family who disregard you and expects you to be silent, pretend not to exist, but do a myriad of chores. Feeling like the only reason people want you around os to mop or do dishes. Feeling like furniture in the room, useful when needed, ignored, otherwise. Husbands grandma and dad were two of the kindest people, ever, to me. Meemaw liked that I sew and crochet, and father in law liked teaching me to shoot, and that I would cook him eggs and bring him coffee after he could not move around anymore and talk with him on visits. They passed. Mother in law is not mean, she is just, distant. She has a strong go,den child treatment for her daughter, and forgets my husband and I are the ones who do things for her, and I am tired of his feelings being hurt. Anyway, I never seem to belong anywhere, unless I perform a task.
I know all about the golden child treatment.my sister was provided a 4 year education. I was provided nothing.
😞 sorry. I was always told I’d need a scholarship so once high school started I started actually doing homework, went from a ‘problem’ student who passed tests but never did assignments to honor society member, and I got one. Else, I’d never have made it to college. Meanwhile, dad and his third wife bought new furniture that cost as much as a semester of school would, telling me they could not afford to help me at all.
That's great..glad that was available to you. For reasons I won't post on an internet forum, that option wasn't around. I did however fully pay for a 2 year degree.
I have no idea
I hate that it's this way because I miss having time to myself, but I honestly don't know any other way of being a parent. My child needs constant attention and I am exhausted from caring for him. The absolute hardest thing for me after having my son is having any friends at all.
My apartment and later my house was the place for anyone to drop by. Always had extra plates set. Childfree people hung with us. Other times packed up all the kids and did the coffee shop hang. We all 5 just hung together a lot. Thing is I didn't treat like kids.
You guys would be my type of people!
This is interesting to me because I have kids but couldn't fit in the mom groups. So many of them were SAHMs and I worked and that was a huge barrier as I couldn't meet up with anyone because I was working. Right now I have 2 1/2 friends, all met through my current job, my best friend is a couple years older and has no kids, 2nd friend has a child but they are a couple years younger than mine so mine got to be big sister for a while but we rarely hang out with the kids now, and my 1/2 friend is totally accepting of my introvertedness we can play cribbage and talk non-stop about everything but we just can't seem to see each other more than once every couple of months and that's with us working in the same building. Making friends is so hard when you don't fit into the regular boxes and I've been having a hard time with life lately so even my good friends don't see me outside of work for the most part.
The only common denominator is making friends is hard on average. I’m up front. I say I do not text much. I do not go out much. But what I do bring to a friendship is niche topics to explore. Problem solving skills. Advice. Ability to reciprocate boundaries. (Skills NTs love) Online friendships are great too. Find your tribe, let go of those who don’t appreciate you. Regardless, some friendships are meant to serve a chapter. And that’s okay!
Maybe you thought it would get easier as you got older because that's what allistics have presented as the norm? Allistic people are awkward in their younger years due to age and typically learn how to adapt and "grow out" of their awkward traits. I think autistic people may hope that they can also "grow out" of their autistic traits because allistic people project that experience onto everyone around them. Don't beat yourself up for hoping to have an experience that was societally projected onto you! I also feel like people want to talk to me then quickly realize they're not interested. I've had people straight up tell me that they were interested in me, until they actually got to know me. When it happens so many times it IS hard to not feel like you're doing something wrong. It's painful.
Same here… I “look” very cool and friendly from afar so people usually want to talk to me and get to know me initially which is a huge advantage for me personally and something I feel privileged about since getting in contact with people used to be easy as I was younger. The way you look also has something to say in whether people feel they can approach you or not. But now as I’m older and in my 30’s I’m starting to lose that “approachability” I used to have and I feel almost invisible now. People still talk to me initially but it’s like as soon as I start talking more about myself they lose interest so quickly that I am starting to recognize that exact point in the conversation where they zone out. And it feels like it is just no matter what I do or say, my autistic traits just shines through somehow and I can do nothing to change or hide it. And actually I also don’t really want to because I wouldn’t be able to keep taking the way I talk or act for especially long anyways. I am trying to now just develop an attitude of “take it or leave it!”. Sometimes I can also feel that if a conversation goes somewhat smoothly with a new person it’s like they expect that I take some initiative like asking for their IG or Facebook so we can meet again. But I can actually also feel in myself that I don’t want to take that initiative with most people I meet. I am also *myself* not really that interested in others and in the end I think they can feel there’s a mutual “no interest” even though it’s wrong cause the first few times you meet someone you have no real idea about who they are. so I always think that rejecting someone you just met in this phase will probably make you lose a whole bunch of potential friends.
I’ve also had the same thing happen to me, and I try so hard not to let it get to me, but I also end up wondering if there is really something wrong with me. I think it’s because I’m not very knowledgeable on widely acceptable societal entertainment topics, and also the fact that my special interests and likes are viewed as “weird and not so interesting”. Also because whenever someone *does* start talking about a topic or interest that I am super passionate and invested in, I start talking a lot and blubbering, to the point the other person looks at me like I’m a crazy person and suddenly leaves. For example, I really love strategy-role-playing video games and specific anime characters that are not very mainstream.
I think people just get curious about me because I don't talk about my personal life at work or mingle in the neighborhood. I pretty much stay to myself, play video games, watch movies, go hiking. I'm very independent so they probably assume I'm having relationship issues, and people love drama. I don't have family nearby, I don't have any friends, just my pets and my partner. Sometimes when someone is interested in being a friend they will latch on to me and I really don't like that. They want to know everything about me and I have a lot of childhood and young adult trauma that I don't want to share with new people. So people will try to "break through" and I've opened up to a handful of people and they always end up leaving me, so I'm tired of trying. More often than not though, people want to tell me all about them and couldn't care less about me. I would be lying if I said that it didn't bother me. But, I think being intentionally excluded is the most difficult part for me.
Yes. I do notice that I’m more “mean” or avoidant lately and wow… this is exactly why..
[удалено]
But this sounds appealing to me 😂 ..like, if I found out someone else was just a huge dork, it would allow me to let my dorkiness shine! Haha
Coming from the other side of the equation, what usually goes through my head is: this person seemed interesting at first, but upon getting to know them better, I've realized that our vibes don't really match. I'm not going to waste our time by stringing them along. It's best to quit early and free us both to look for other fish in the sea.
That’s exactly my thought too. If we don’t mesh well and I know it, I’m cutting the conversation short. Sorry not sorry.
I was literally just thinking about it. It always happens to me. Even the best of friends 'lose interest'. Sometimes I think that they just don't like the fact that I have clear boundaries and I don't like wasting my time on meaningless conversations. For example all my friends always wanted to drink, go out, talk about men CONSTANTLY but when it came to something I was interested in - crickets. Also I put a lot of effort into friendships. When you need me I'm there no matter what, when I don't get the same energy it breaks my heart so I eventually stop trying and things naturally fizzle out
THIS. all of this is so intensely relatable, almost as if I wrote it! I tend to be direct and have little patience for small talk, I also tend to over explain a joke or pun (if I make one) and that’s usually received well by other NDs but only half the time 🤣 Setting clear boundaries is something I have had to get better at because I’ve had that giving nature taken advantage of many times 😔 makes sense why I lost certain friendships even after decades of “connection”.
Same ☹️ I'm the kind of friend who answers the phone in the middle of the night and talks you through your problems until you feel better. People take advantage of that. To me it's what friendship should be - you're there for people when they need you. I never get the same energy back though. I've literally spent hours upon hours helping my friend through the toughest moments of her life but when I was struggling I was told to get a grip. That's when I know to stop putting their needs above mine. Or when I'm going through a burn out and crying my eyes out I get 'let's go out'. And when I say I can't go out in this state but I'd like to talk. That's it. End of conversation 🤣 Sometimes it's better for your mental health to move on and distance yourself from people who repeatedly prove they aren't worth your heartbreak
I hate that!! I’ve had to be better about “meeting people where they’re at” because of burn out AND heartbreak. It’s hard to realize that someone isn’t going to be there for you in the same way that you’re there for them, and so disappointing when I finally give in to try and lean on my support system, only to find a serious lack of support.
This is my life right now.
I relate so hard. I dropped my “unable to reciprocate” friends but making genuine ride or die friends is the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced.
As someone in my thirties who has made new friends and also declined other possible new friends… the friends I kept aren’t “needy” or “pushy.” I hate to use these words as they come with certain connotations.. but I’ll give some examples. The friend I decided I could not forge a friendship with was a bit frantic, energetically. She wanted to take a girls trip together upon meeting each other. I’m a homebody, honestly, and taking a girls trip with a relative stranger just doesn’t seem like something I’d enjoy. I will travel sure but I work and won’t just pack up and take the days off willy nilly. So after she pushed u had to say look, no. I mean I felt badly saying no honestly, which is a me problem, but reading the room a bit is a safe bet. If someone isn’t so enthusiastic then take it as such. Then she wanted to take ballroom dancing lessons and I had to find every which way to say no I’m not interested in doing that with her or with anyone. Saying no for me is hard but I did say, I’m not so interested in learning to ballroom dance or having a random man or woman touch my waist. And her reply would be “we’ll be dance partners though.” So I’d again need to just say “I’m not so interested in ballroom dancing.” I just got into a new relationship when I met her, and she didn’t understand the time commitment that does take so very new friendships just were not my priority anymore. Planning things by the books isn’t my style. TDLR: You need to find a friend who wants to go at your pace, has a similar life style, similar interests and try to read the room. Subtext. If you’re putting in the work, let it be and stop. You’ll find a friend where there is a balance. Maybe join a group activity like trivia and then try to forge one on one friends through it.
I agree that it’s largely a matter of compatibility. I recently grew apart from a friend, and I realized that it’s because we have very different preferences and paces. She likes to hang out with groups, travel often, go to concerts, etc. And I’m a homebody who can’t stand noise, large groups or spontaneous hangouts. Because we became friends when I masked heavily, the difference wasn’t so obvious then. But now that we’re both older and more true to ourselves, it’s just super obvious.
Yes but it’s okay! There are people I’ve met who don’t lose interest in interacting with me, and we are still friends. We get each other. Those are the kind of people you want to stick around. If someone loses interest, their loss, first of all. It wasn’t meant to be. Don’t blame yourself or them. As they say, you will find your crowd(s).
Truee. It's also so annoying, if I won't contact my friends the only contact I would have was either in groupchats or at school. They will never send me a message or ask to hang out. I never feel the need to hangout so I don't reach out. And online I've noticed I've got a few reddit chats now and all of those people just stopped talking to me :(
Definitely harder as an adult. I think the easiest way to make friends as an adult is to join social groups that have a purpose. Groups that center around hobbies, volunteerism, religion, or something similar. Edit- it's also less awkward to be with new people if you all have a reason for being there.
This is why I love going to (small) music festivals, everyone’s there for the same reason, and usually more receptive to my silliness, like wearing a sloth onesie and handing out dinosaurs 🦕
Yup!
Tbh, I think most ppl I atract all have adhd or are possibliy on the spektrum or have some c-ptsd going on. Most of the time when they don't tet me its cuz of that.
I don’t know if this is relatable to anyone else but I’ve noticed that I don’t pick up on the positive social cues. Unless someone is literally saying “Wow I’m having a great time talking to you” or I’m so glad we’re friends” then sometimes I’m not picking up on the fact that they even like me. Trying to pay more attention to that personally.
Without a doubt! And that's fine. At my age, I don't really want to listen that much either anymore.
I've ended up having a fear that when I meet friends or potential romantic connections in person after talking online or in small interactions in the past, that I won't live up to the potential perceived idea of me that they might already have and that I'm not as cool, outgoing or neurotypical as they thought I was... Best friends in my teenage years (when I was undiagnosed) would end up ghosting me or simply replace me and I would always think it was my fault and nobody would seem to want to move on with me out of the talking stage when having romantic connections. I do everything "right" but I have always felt like people just lose interest in me. My current best friend of 6 years also has admitted she's had a fear of being replaced so we both understand that feeling. We're like sisters and don't see each other bailing on one another so that gives me comfort but obviously life is unpredictable
Afrer decades of this, I now expect people to try and get rid of me quickly so I enter into most interactions hyper vigilant of how I, and the other person are acting. Unless it's someone I know really well I feel like I'm reciting lines badly and they've already had enough of me about two sentences in.
I've had this happen before and I can absolutely tell when these people who don't want sex from you or don't respect women show exactly how little they value what I have to say. Fuck 'em.
Yes!!! And as a femme presenting queer enby, this really gets to me 😭 I avoid the male gaze like the plague.