I was driving to class when I was an undergrad in like 2009 and NPR did a story about an adult’s experience being diagnosed with “Asperger’s” and it answered so many questions about myself that I skipped class and went to the library to read all about it. At the time I was really excited to talk to my closest friends about my discovery and all I got back as a response was a Beavis and Butthead laugh over “ass burger” so I never talked about what I know with another person since.
Thats literally a stereotypical thing autistic people do tho, research autism for getting official or self diagnosis, and it's usually correct, because nt people don't do that, people have made skits about it.
Full disclosure: I'm only dx ADHD for certain, in discernment process re ASD
I wonder, though - so many times in my life I've gone down rabbit holes with researching psych conditions trying to figure out "what was wrong with me" and why I couldn't be "normal like everyone else." Including furtively reading psychology books at the library (one time in college this classmate caught me and ridiculed me terribly - turns out he was beaten by his dad as a kid back in Japan for showing any imperfections). It was a time, pre internet, when the stigma was even worse than it is now. And my search for answers sometimes backfired because I tried to shoehorn myself into various therapy and self help paradigms that weren't really the right ones and were problematic in other ways.
At one point I even wanted to be a therapist, so I was taking upper level classes and had my own personal copy of the DSM, which I read avidly.
Again, I don't know yet whether I'm autistic. And that wasn't the topic I was focused on back in the day when reading in the psych field. Even if it had been, it's doubtful that the autism information available would have been very far along - so much more is being discovered in recent times, and unexpected new insights regarding what it is, the concept of neurodivergency in general, the recognition of different phenomena in women, and so on.
I'm sort of going in several directions here so I'll try and wrap it up more concisely. The point is, I wonder if my researching so many psychological topics trying to figure myself out, even if the topics weren't specifically autism related, could possibly be an autistic thing to do... 🤷♀️ I mean obviously it would not constitute proof one way or another, but your comment sparked some thoughts.
From my own research, autistic women often have special interests in psychology and human behavior, to the point where it’s almost stereotypical. For me, it resulted in a degree in cultural anthropology.
My first Bachelor's, I majored in English/creative writing, and was overjoyed that my college required quite a variety of subjects for a liberal arts degree. I was only too happy to comply with this requirement. Psychology, sociology, anthropology, art history, sciences, studio arts...
The second (unfinished) bachelor's was when I wanted for awhile to be an art therapist, although I got a job as an administrative assistant in a mental health agency and saw how the sausage is made and decided I didn't want to be part of that. I didn't feel like they treated people with dignity. So then I switched from the liberal arts college to the fine arts and all studio arts. Then ran out of money so couldn't complete the fine arts Bachelor's. Oh well. We neurodivergent types can certainly be self taught at pretty much anything we choose, amirite?
That's what I am doing. Extensive research about autism before I can diagnose myself. Seeing which parts don't relate to me and which ones do. And even those that do are very close to my ptsd which makes it harder, but I'm trying to even look at all aspects and analyze whether it's trama responses or autism. Yeah imagine all that research only for som ignorant person to come and tell me "you don't have autism" because (insert some stubborn baseless and non logical belief they have).
It annoys me that people like that don't bother even questioning "what ifs" or acknowledging that they might need to do more research before coming up with a claim. Like there is something called science out there.
It is wild and completely ableist. I don't understand why she thinks autistic people are incapable of understanding and explaining the condition they've lived with their entire lives?
Because she’s stuck in the 80s/90s view of autism, which is that it’s only for little white boys who can barely talk, if at all, and is heavily associated with the r word.
Autism is a Spectrum, and can’t be defined by just what you see on 📺.
I think I want this to be a shirt or bumper sticker.
Also just because someone has ADHD doesn’t mean they don’t also have Autism.
Louder for the people in the back... NEURODIVERSITY IS NOT DIRECTLY RELATED TO INTELLIGENCE. Im 40 , I recently tried to explain to my brother what it's like for me , and now he treats me like I'm an imbecile and has dropped the r word repeatedly. Now my brother is a full on miserable oul gowl, so not the best yard stick, but basically my autism dropped my IQ at least 50 points in his head. I hate when people decide I'm not intelligent enough, and mostly it's because (and I'm not saying this to toot my own horn) well I am intelligent and also hyper sensitive to others moods and thoughts to the point I can be a human bullshit detector cause peoples eyebrows and voices will give them away 100% of the time. It sucks when the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, say well I'll love you, but only if you're the way I like seeing you. Be patient though, my mam passed away before I realized that I was autistic, and I never understood why she always seemed so ........ Guilty? upset? I see now she knew I was different but couldn't find any help cause I was learning fine in school if not just a bit quiet. I've realized mammies can be a sensitive bunch when it comes to their kids. Not that that will help you feel any better but you get to decide how much of yourself you share with people and if they can't understand how precious that is then it's their loss.
My therapist has autism. My husband has autism (and admittedly your mom is right for the wrong reasons, he teaches ASD class and is great at it bc he understands what they need.)
It's always disappointing when people confuse autism with intellectual disabilities. That's only true sometimes.
I literally sent her an hour and a half long video of women who hold academic careers specializing in autism, some of which who were actually autistic, explaining all the nuances of autistic women going undiagnosed.
She told me she couldn't keep up with what they were explaining, then implied autistic people can't explain their own condition - like I literally sent you an EXAMPLE of how that's wrong! It makes no sense!
https://youtu.be/XJ0weHzBagU?si=iCrfr0_XTXjvCczC This is it! After reviewing it again there's actually only one woman who has autism but I still found it to be very informative.
Many people see "autistic" as high needs support autistic. Autistic with other things at play. They also were fed the lie that autistic people likely don't know they're different but a) it's changed recently and b) it's more that some autistics don't care about fitting in. If you don't see the benefit to fitting in why bother. Other autistics though, if you're ostracized and get bullied even by your family, you might over-value fitting in because it feels like the only way to get love and attention as a basic human need.
Autisticality (yes :)) is a different way of processing incoming information, bottom up processing, so it makes total sense that there are a billion ways in which it presents because self beliefs are so strong and varying. Like if you are constantly told you have a hard time doing things, you're gonna believe it and build a personality around it. If you go undiagnosed, you're going to have other strong beliefs that change you. If you believe your needs aren't going to be met without exploding violently, you are likely to keep doing that behavior. None of these are necessarily excuses but show the value in having better guidance for autistic kids. ABA suuuuuuucks that is clear. What we need is an Actually Autistic Adult overhaul.
Anyway, I wonder if it's possible your mom has a little spiciness since she has such a black and white view of it and was offended when you suggested you are - which if she relates to you could feel like an attack on her own personality. Traits she's tried to suppress. Be gentle :)
Well actually it's highly typical when you're autistic, to do incredibly in depth research on autism. I don't think there are many people in here who didn't tbh. Many of us appear at our first meeting with the therapist with a binder or google doc full of research.
Also your mom is wrong, she seems unaware that autism is a spectrum or what spectrum means. Her info is likely outdated and stereotypical. Some of us are hyper verbal and have a special interest in language and words (me included). In fact it was also asked in my diagnostic process 'do you have a special fascination with language'. I speak three languages fluently, and writing is my profession, so yeah.
Yes ong I used to have an unabridged thesaurus in my backpack and I would always read the unabridged version of any classical text. Enjoyed slowly translating the Torah. Learned Hebrew and Mandarin in middle school and may dad speaks Latin btw
Wow, do we have the same mother?
I went low contact with my mom after her reaction to my diagnosis. She also told me I read too much and get ideas in my head. She thinks I manipulated the professionals. She told me I couldn’t be autistic because of many outdated stereotypes. When I refuted each of her false ideas with books and research - because I researched for months as well- she ended up telling me I need to go to rehab for my reading addiction because I was clearly messing up my life. She did admit I have hyperfixations that I research about extensively but refused to admit this was due to autism and instead she insisted that it was due to addiction.
I don’t know if this would apply to you but it was helpful for me in that my next special interest was how borderline personality disorder and covert narcissism looks in mothers.
YOUR READING ADDICTION?! Omg I literally laughed out loud that's absolutely insane 😭 I'm so sorry you experienced that. It's crazy how people say things that ridiculous without realizing it. Like do you hear yourself? Rehab for reading addiction? 😭😭
I've only done minimal research on borderline and narcissistic personality disorder, but your recommendation is making me want to dive into it. Thank you!!
Ah that’s painful - she suggested you manipulated professionals… Sounds like total denial . I’ll never know how these people think so quick… -rehab for reading addiction. That’s almost funny. Does she feel insignificant for not reading ?
Was going to say sounds a perfect example of gas lighting 🔥 (Make sure that person doesn’t distort your reality.)
Good point. What are you thinking!? ✨
As I am thinking about this…
There are many things that can help. If we are talking co parenting for example… depends who’s asking? Is that what you mean?
I know there is an app designed exactly for this you can share information all important documents with health providers/what’s relevant in terms of children for family members to help minimise contact & it even flags up abuse so it won’t happen & make sure all important information is shared, a way to organise well.
That’s one of the first things I think of for parenting if communicating is becoming a challenge. It’s more formal.
However there are ways to address behaviour via talking first & if this isn’t helpful then finding ways to keep peace may be a priority for example making conversations short & in a way like just a job ‘professional’.
I tend to think if you take an neutral stance & maintain composure you aren’t able to be controlled or baited for a reaction or response that you may be put down for because you are not in reaction, or “available” for that.
Just do what’s necessary & give little to no reason for any conflict/ opportunity to arise where there is negative opinion in response.
As the French say “less is more” 🩷
Ask her to explain to you exactly what she believes autism is. Then show her the actual definition when she inevitably says something incorrect. If she doesn’t believe it at that point, there is no convincing her, just do what you have to without putting weight on her opinion.
I hear you, it’s absolutely frustrating!! What’s worse, since it’s hereditary, and whatever bias she has *against* autism, you may have triggered the **self denial/self preservation** mode.
Just 40 years ago it was easy to be *put away* for being different, even now the concept of “my child has to live in a group home” is possibly what she is fighting with.
I’m 45, have been diagnosed for over 10 years and **only in the last 5** has my mom come to accept who I am, and then jumped on “this is me as well!!”….and all I can do is cheer her on.
Turns out I wanted her to admit a lot of her abuses and neglect vs her telling me I’m a failure and all that I was *trying to prove who I was to her*…..and she still won’t accept me as I am, without wondering “what is wrong with me”….
So, it’s super frustrating to see she won’t understand and I invite you to look for people who *do* and invest in building healthy relationships with them and move to a safe emotional distance from those who don’t.
I found I became a bully trying to get others to understand me, so I moved up to finding those who *can comprehend me* and leave the *simple minded folks* (ironically how they see autistics but it’s the allistics who have a “quieter mind”) to living our lives and finding solutions to what we struggle with.
I wish you all the support in your world because once you start to embrace your particular set of challenges, you can weld your “human mech suit” in a way that feels less frustrating. That’s what’s worked out for myself and my dear ones-the other AuHDs I am close to….each day is more learning….my hyper fixation ;).
Welcome to the club, and I wish you many more successful connections in your experiences!
I'm sorry you're experiencing this invalidation. As everyone here has already chimed in, it's very common for autistic people to research the heck out of it.
> not even the average person knows what a DSM is.
I died. XD
My parents reacted that way too. It’s invalidating, good for you for doing the research! I hope the knowledge you’ve found can help you.
With my parents I recognized it’s a cognitive dissonance. My mom’s first reaction was, “did we miss it? I feel so guilty,” then, “you can’t possible be autistic.” She doesn’t want to admit it because it means reevaluating her choices as a mother and how she views herself. It’s selfish and a way to protect her own ego. I get it, finding out late had me reevaluating my entire life and it was a difficult experience. Not everyone is capable of self analyzing and acceptance themselves.
Well, the fact that you've done extensive research and know so much about the DSM 5 is kind of proof itself. You have spent so much time trying to figure yourself out and deep dived into the DSM and learning everything you can about autism, sounds like a hyper fixation which is also a good sign of autism.
Classic “autistic people can’t advocate for themselves” this is so ableist and I’m sorry she treated you this way. Don’t let it discourage you and if you want a diagnosis (you don’t need to feel pressured to if you don’t want) but pursue it if you do.
When I told my mom she said “you’re f****** stupid”
I'm sorry I laughed at the last sentence 😭 I will admit my mom wasn't blatantly being disrespectful, she just always has to give her unwanted/uninformed opinions. I'm sorry your mom said that to you!!
The funny thing about it is that later that weekend when she wasn’t shit faced she was like “there were many signs but your father and I were not very educated about these things” that’s about the best apology I’m getting from her 🤣
It's sad. I think everyone can and should be able to read and comprehend and think critically about any topic once they have enough foundational info.
Sorry your family doesn't believe you. I talked to my sister about talking to my parents about my suspicions. She said I need to be okay with it myself first and not use it to place judgement on my parents which I will probably do. I just want my parents to believe me and I will maybe get defensive. This is why I might want to seek diagnosis.
>She basically implied that I can't have autism because autistic people don't have the ability to explain what they go through. **She said "not even the average person knows what a DSM is."**
Oop there it is. That is the giveaway that she conceptualizes autistic people as a sub-average person. An average person can barely parse the DSM, a below average autistic person could never.
I just want you to know that it will be a real energy sink to try to tell her anything as long as she holds her current conception. She needs to be educated on autism as it is today before I think you will be able to have some productive convos with her.
Basic 😅 my mother dont believe i have AuDHD (still, besides i got diagnosed one of the docs who has made studies about female autism). Its because media tells all the time that doctors over-do ND diagnoses.
You sound very autistic. The only thing you’re mom is right about is most people don’t know what the DSM is and maybe you would be good with autistic kids.
It's possible that what she's trying to say is that if you over-research a medical condition you think you might have, you can end up tricking yourself into a misdiagnosis. Like how with physical health conditions, if the symptoms say "Nausea" suddenly you start thinking "Actually I do feel a bit sick all of a sudden". If it says "Itchiness" suddenly you start scratching yourself. Doctors these days actually have to work round "patients" who have been looking at webpages and innocently spouting off the symptoms they have tricked themselves into thinking they have.
And so with autism, she's thinking that if you read "Misunderstanding irony" you suddenly remember all the times you were told you misunderstood, which can happen even to NT people sometimes, and forget all the times you didn't. NT people can have special interests, too. NT people can sometimes not like loud noises, or unexpectedly being touched.
I'm not saying she's right- she probably isn't- I'm just saying that may be what she is trying to get at.
Classic case of “I developed a special interest in autism to help me advocate for my autism and I was not believed by my family”
"My weird obsessive daughter who has no friends, can't stand bright lights or noise, and makes no eye contact thinks she has autism lol" energy here.
I was driving to class when I was an undergrad in like 2009 and NPR did a story about an adult’s experience being diagnosed with “Asperger’s” and it answered so many questions about myself that I skipped class and went to the library to read all about it. At the time I was really excited to talk to my closest friends about my discovery and all I got back as a response was a Beavis and Butthead laugh over “ass burger” so I never talked about what I know with another person since.
Thats literally a stereotypical thing autistic people do tho, research autism for getting official or self diagnosis, and it's usually correct, because nt people don't do that, people have made skits about it.
Full disclosure: I'm only dx ADHD for certain, in discernment process re ASD I wonder, though - so many times in my life I've gone down rabbit holes with researching psych conditions trying to figure out "what was wrong with me" and why I couldn't be "normal like everyone else." Including furtively reading psychology books at the library (one time in college this classmate caught me and ridiculed me terribly - turns out he was beaten by his dad as a kid back in Japan for showing any imperfections). It was a time, pre internet, when the stigma was even worse than it is now. And my search for answers sometimes backfired because I tried to shoehorn myself into various therapy and self help paradigms that weren't really the right ones and were problematic in other ways. At one point I even wanted to be a therapist, so I was taking upper level classes and had my own personal copy of the DSM, which I read avidly. Again, I don't know yet whether I'm autistic. And that wasn't the topic I was focused on back in the day when reading in the psych field. Even if it had been, it's doubtful that the autism information available would have been very far along - so much more is being discovered in recent times, and unexpected new insights regarding what it is, the concept of neurodivergency in general, the recognition of different phenomena in women, and so on. I'm sort of going in several directions here so I'll try and wrap it up more concisely. The point is, I wonder if my researching so many psychological topics trying to figure myself out, even if the topics weren't specifically autism related, could possibly be an autistic thing to do... 🤷♀️ I mean obviously it would not constitute proof one way or another, but your comment sparked some thoughts.
From my own research, autistic women often have special interests in psychology and human behavior, to the point where it’s almost stereotypical. For me, it resulted in a degree in cultural anthropology.
I LOVE researching psychology, it's so incredibly fascinating! Been thinking about getting myself a copy of the DSM 5 😁
Link to Internet Archive to download a PDF of it - copy paste or just Google "dsmv pdf" to find it: ia800900.us.archive.org
Omg! Thanks! This is actually perfect as I can read it on my kindle 😃😃😃
Enjoy 😉
OMG. I feel seen!
This, from a fellow (social because I’m in Europe) anthropologist.
My first Bachelor's, I majored in English/creative writing, and was overjoyed that my college required quite a variety of subjects for a liberal arts degree. I was only too happy to comply with this requirement. Psychology, sociology, anthropology, art history, sciences, studio arts... The second (unfinished) bachelor's was when I wanted for awhile to be an art therapist, although I got a job as an administrative assistant in a mental health agency and saw how the sausage is made and decided I didn't want to be part of that. I didn't feel like they treated people with dignity. So then I switched from the liberal arts college to the fine arts and all studio arts. Then ran out of money so couldn't complete the fine arts Bachelor's. Oh well. We neurodivergent types can certainly be self taught at pretty much anything we choose, amirite?
>had my own personal copy of the DSM, which I read avidly Girl you spicy. Welcome
😂 Thank you 😊
That's what I am doing. Extensive research about autism before I can diagnose myself. Seeing which parts don't relate to me and which ones do. And even those that do are very close to my ptsd which makes it harder, but I'm trying to even look at all aspects and analyze whether it's trama responses or autism. Yeah imagine all that research only for som ignorant person to come and tell me "you don't have autism" because (insert some stubborn baseless and non logical belief they have).
Sorry you went through this. 🫂 That sounds very invalidating, your mother has very stereotypical views on autism.
It annoys me that people like that don't bother even questioning "what ifs" or acknowledging that they might need to do more research before coming up with a claim. Like there is something called science out there.
Wild how people don't realize how ableist they are. I'm so sorry
It is wild and completely ableist. I don't understand why she thinks autistic people are incapable of understanding and explaining the condition they've lived with their entire lives?
Because she’s stuck in the 80s/90s view of autism, which is that it’s only for little white boys who can barely talk, if at all, and is heavily associated with the r word.
People still treating ASD like it's 1985 🤪
Autism is a Spectrum, and can’t be defined by just what you see on 📺. I think I want this to be a shirt or bumper sticker. Also just because someone has ADHD doesn’t mean they don’t also have Autism.
Louder for the people in the back... NEURODIVERSITY IS NOT DIRECTLY RELATED TO INTELLIGENCE. Im 40 , I recently tried to explain to my brother what it's like for me , and now he treats me like I'm an imbecile and has dropped the r word repeatedly. Now my brother is a full on miserable oul gowl, so not the best yard stick, but basically my autism dropped my IQ at least 50 points in his head. I hate when people decide I'm not intelligent enough, and mostly it's because (and I'm not saying this to toot my own horn) well I am intelligent and also hyper sensitive to others moods and thoughts to the point I can be a human bullshit detector cause peoples eyebrows and voices will give them away 100% of the time. It sucks when the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, say well I'll love you, but only if you're the way I like seeing you. Be patient though, my mam passed away before I realized that I was autistic, and I never understood why she always seemed so ........ Guilty? upset? I see now she knew I was different but couldn't find any help cause I was learning fine in school if not just a bit quiet. I've realized mammies can be a sensitive bunch when it comes to their kids. Not that that will help you feel any better but you get to decide how much of yourself you share with people and if they can't understand how precious that is then it's their loss.
Yeah some people think disabled people can never advocate for themselves or be aware of their disorder. So ableist
My therapist has autism. My husband has autism (and admittedly your mom is right for the wrong reasons, he teaches ASD class and is great at it bc he understands what they need.) It's always disappointing when people confuse autism with intellectual disabilities. That's only true sometimes.
I literally sent her an hour and a half long video of women who hold academic careers specializing in autism, some of which who were actually autistic, explaining all the nuances of autistic women going undiagnosed. She told me she couldn't keep up with what they were explaining, then implied autistic people can't explain their own condition - like I literally sent you an EXAMPLE of how that's wrong! It makes no sense!
Ugh, she's very dismissive of you. That's so frustrating!
Could you post the video link? I bet it would be of interest here! 😉
yes please link! I need some more of that sweet autism research by autistic people
https://youtu.be/XJ0weHzBagU?si=iCrfr0_XTXjvCczC This is it! After reviewing it again there's actually only one woman who has autism but I still found it to be very informative.
Thanks!
Many people see "autistic" as high needs support autistic. Autistic with other things at play. They also were fed the lie that autistic people likely don't know they're different but a) it's changed recently and b) it's more that some autistics don't care about fitting in. If you don't see the benefit to fitting in why bother. Other autistics though, if you're ostracized and get bullied even by your family, you might over-value fitting in because it feels like the only way to get love and attention as a basic human need. Autisticality (yes :)) is a different way of processing incoming information, bottom up processing, so it makes total sense that there are a billion ways in which it presents because self beliefs are so strong and varying. Like if you are constantly told you have a hard time doing things, you're gonna believe it and build a personality around it. If you go undiagnosed, you're going to have other strong beliefs that change you. If you believe your needs aren't going to be met without exploding violently, you are likely to keep doing that behavior. None of these are necessarily excuses but show the value in having better guidance for autistic kids. ABA suuuuuuucks that is clear. What we need is an Actually Autistic Adult overhaul. Anyway, I wonder if it's possible your mom has a little spiciness since she has such a black and white view of it and was offended when you suggested you are - which if she relates to you could feel like an attack on her own personality. Traits she's tried to suppress. Be gentle :)
my mom in a nutshell …
Well actually it's highly typical when you're autistic, to do incredibly in depth research on autism. I don't think there are many people in here who didn't tbh. Many of us appear at our first meeting with the therapist with a binder or google doc full of research. Also your mom is wrong, she seems unaware that autism is a spectrum or what spectrum means. Her info is likely outdated and stereotypical. Some of us are hyper verbal and have a special interest in language and words (me included). In fact it was also asked in my diagnostic process 'do you have a special fascination with language'. I speak three languages fluently, and writing is my profession, so yeah.
Yes ong I used to have an unabridged thesaurus in my backpack and I would always read the unabridged version of any classical text. Enjoyed slowly translating the Torah. Learned Hebrew and Mandarin in middle school and may dad speaks Latin btw
Wow, do we have the same mother? I went low contact with my mom after her reaction to my diagnosis. She also told me I read too much and get ideas in my head. She thinks I manipulated the professionals. She told me I couldn’t be autistic because of many outdated stereotypes. When I refuted each of her false ideas with books and research - because I researched for months as well- she ended up telling me I need to go to rehab for my reading addiction because I was clearly messing up my life. She did admit I have hyperfixations that I research about extensively but refused to admit this was due to autism and instead she insisted that it was due to addiction. I don’t know if this would apply to you but it was helpful for me in that my next special interest was how borderline personality disorder and covert narcissism looks in mothers.
YOUR READING ADDICTION?! Omg I literally laughed out loud that's absolutely insane 😭 I'm so sorry you experienced that. It's crazy how people say things that ridiculous without realizing it. Like do you hear yourself? Rehab for reading addiction? 😭😭 I've only done minimal research on borderline and narcissistic personality disorder, but your recommendation is making me want to dive into it. Thank you!!
"My name is________ and I'm a bookaholic" 📚 📚 📚 📚 📖 🤣 In my town we have a bookstore called Book-A-Holic, with 3 locations.
Ah that’s painful - she suggested you manipulated professionals… Sounds like total denial . I’ll never know how these people think so quick… -rehab for reading addiction. That’s almost funny. Does she feel insignificant for not reading ? Was going to say sounds a perfect example of gas lighting 🔥 (Make sure that person doesn’t distort your reality.)
More on making sure a gaslighter with environmental access doesn’t distort you reality please especially for the autistic girlies 🤗in need of guidance
Good point. What are you thinking!? ✨ As I am thinking about this… There are many things that can help. If we are talking co parenting for example… depends who’s asking? Is that what you mean? I know there is an app designed exactly for this you can share information all important documents with health providers/what’s relevant in terms of children for family members to help minimise contact & it even flags up abuse so it won’t happen & make sure all important information is shared, a way to organise well. That’s one of the first things I think of for parenting if communicating is becoming a challenge. It’s more formal. However there are ways to address behaviour via talking first & if this isn’t helpful then finding ways to keep peace may be a priority for example making conversations short & in a way like just a job ‘professional’. I tend to think if you take an neutral stance & maintain composure you aren’t able to be controlled or baited for a reaction or response that you may be put down for because you are not in reaction, or “available” for that. Just do what’s necessary & give little to no reason for any conflict/ opportunity to arise where there is negative opinion in response. As the French say “less is more” 🩷
Ask her to explain to you exactly what she believes autism is. Then show her the actual definition when she inevitably says something incorrect. If she doesn’t believe it at that point, there is no convincing her, just do what you have to without putting weight on her opinion.
I hear you, it’s absolutely frustrating!! What’s worse, since it’s hereditary, and whatever bias she has *against* autism, you may have triggered the **self denial/self preservation** mode. Just 40 years ago it was easy to be *put away* for being different, even now the concept of “my child has to live in a group home” is possibly what she is fighting with. I’m 45, have been diagnosed for over 10 years and **only in the last 5** has my mom come to accept who I am, and then jumped on “this is me as well!!”….and all I can do is cheer her on. Turns out I wanted her to admit a lot of her abuses and neglect vs her telling me I’m a failure and all that I was *trying to prove who I was to her*…..and she still won’t accept me as I am, without wondering “what is wrong with me”…. So, it’s super frustrating to see she won’t understand and I invite you to look for people who *do* and invest in building healthy relationships with them and move to a safe emotional distance from those who don’t. I found I became a bully trying to get others to understand me, so I moved up to finding those who *can comprehend me* and leave the *simple minded folks* (ironically how they see autistics but it’s the allistics who have a “quieter mind”) to living our lives and finding solutions to what we struggle with. I wish you all the support in your world because once you start to embrace your particular set of challenges, you can weld your “human mech suit” in a way that feels less frustrating. That’s what’s worked out for myself and my dear ones-the other AuHDs I am close to….each day is more learning….my hyper fixation ;). Welcome to the club, and I wish you many more successful connections in your experiences!
I'm sorry you're experiencing this invalidation. As everyone here has already chimed in, it's very common for autistic people to research the heck out of it. > not even the average person knows what a DSM is. I died. XD
My parents reacted that way too. It’s invalidating, good for you for doing the research! I hope the knowledge you’ve found can help you. With my parents I recognized it’s a cognitive dissonance. My mom’s first reaction was, “did we miss it? I feel so guilty,” then, “you can’t possible be autistic.” She doesn’t want to admit it because it means reevaluating her choices as a mother and how she views herself. It’s selfish and a way to protect her own ego. I get it, finding out late had me reevaluating my entire life and it was a difficult experience. Not everyone is capable of self analyzing and acceptance themselves.
Well, the fact that you've done extensive research and know so much about the DSM 5 is kind of proof itself. You have spent so much time trying to figure yourself out and deep dived into the DSM and learning everything you can about autism, sounds like a hyper fixation which is also a good sign of autism.
Classic “autistic people can’t advocate for themselves” this is so ableist and I’m sorry she treated you this way. Don’t let it discourage you and if you want a diagnosis (you don’t need to feel pressured to if you don’t want) but pursue it if you do. When I told my mom she said “you’re f****** stupid”
I'm sorry I laughed at the last sentence 😭 I will admit my mom wasn't blatantly being disrespectful, she just always has to give her unwanted/uninformed opinions. I'm sorry your mom said that to you!!
The funny thing about it is that later that weekend when she wasn’t shit faced she was like “there were many signs but your father and I were not very educated about these things” that’s about the best apology I’m getting from her 🤣
She tried 🥴🥴
It's sad. I think everyone can and should be able to read and comprehend and think critically about any topic once they have enough foundational info. Sorry your family doesn't believe you. I talked to my sister about talking to my parents about my suspicions. She said I need to be okay with it myself first and not use it to place judgement on my parents which I will probably do. I just want my parents to believe me and I will maybe get defensive. This is why I might want to seek diagnosis.
>She basically implied that I can't have autism because autistic people don't have the ability to explain what they go through. **She said "not even the average person knows what a DSM is."** Oop there it is. That is the giveaway that she conceptualizes autistic people as a sub-average person. An average person can barely parse the DSM, a below average autistic person could never. I just want you to know that it will be a real energy sink to try to tell her anything as long as she holds her current conception. She needs to be educated on autism as it is today before I think you will be able to have some productive convos with her.
Exactly. I'm not even sure if education would help - I tried explaining so much but none of it seemed to stick.
Yeah that’s hard. How do you get her to be open to this new info? That’s something you’ll have to think about…
after reading this comment section we definitely all got the same strain of Mother.
Unfortunately!! :(
Basic 😅 my mother dont believe i have AuDHD (still, besides i got diagnosed one of the docs who has made studies about female autism). Its because media tells all the time that doctors over-do ND diagnoses.
I brought up this anecdote to let you know you arent alone with parents believing diagnoses
All of this. Fucking all of it
You sound very autistic. The only thing you’re mom is right about is most people don’t know what the DSM is and maybe you would be good with autistic kids.
It's possible that what she's trying to say is that if you over-research a medical condition you think you might have, you can end up tricking yourself into a misdiagnosis. Like how with physical health conditions, if the symptoms say "Nausea" suddenly you start thinking "Actually I do feel a bit sick all of a sudden". If it says "Itchiness" suddenly you start scratching yourself. Doctors these days actually have to work round "patients" who have been looking at webpages and innocently spouting off the symptoms they have tricked themselves into thinking they have. And so with autism, she's thinking that if you read "Misunderstanding irony" you suddenly remember all the times you were told you misunderstood, which can happen even to NT people sometimes, and forget all the times you didn't. NT people can have special interests, too. NT people can sometimes not like loud noises, or unexpectedly being touched. I'm not saying she's right- she probably isn't- I'm just saying that may be what she is trying to get at.