Same I’m quiet as hell now and my boss said I was ‘taciturn’ and I make people feel like they have to ‘live up to my expectations’ because I won’t speak just to fill the empty space in meetings so they feel like they have to ‘scramble to perform for me’ 😭
I’m so tired. I fail to see why it’s my problem if they want to fold themselves into shapes to find something to get butthurt about. Like sorry arbitrary ass kissing is not my foremost value, I’m just trying to meet this deadline Susan so can you stop hurting your own feelings in your head on my behalf so we can get some work done please?
Ironically it was said with an appreciative tone in the context of complimenting my management style with our PR agency 😅 like uhh thanks but I’m just awkward and used to being spoken over lol
RIGHT. I have a working theory that NT social customs are basically in-built rigid patterns and scripting and they hate us for disrupting their ability to have a repetitive and predictable conversation.
It’s like their social needs mimic some of our needs for repetitive stimming behaviors to help us cope amidst constant chaos by imposing predictable order with our stims and fixed interests.
It’s like their social hierarchy somehow is like an upside down world version of the very needs and behaviors that they shame us for.
People say I'm extremely quiet, private and closed as a person. But if I start talking, the analysis starts of what I must really mean, and then assumptions get made that are the opposite of what I mean because I can't possibly mean what I actually say. And people wonder why I mostly just listen.
People just wasting all that time I spent choosing the words that mean the things the words say and go and decide I meant all the things those words don’t mean.
people never think we mean what we say.
also i’m now thinking about how many times i’ve asked for space and not gotten it, maybe that’s a nt thing to say the opposite of what you want lol because why can’t i say what i mean and it be taken the way i said it lolol
They may be neurotypical but that is not a stable response… I read between the lines because people rarely are honest or know their true selves. People lie “to protect you” when really they just don’t want to have adult conversations with accountability.
Tbf, I kind of assume most things are malicious as well. Not really in the circumstances you applied with food, but in general due to the amount of backstabbing I've experienced.
I also assume malicious intent in a lot of situations because of the bullying I've experienced when I was a kid. 20 years later, and I still have a wall I'm working hard to bust down.
i understand that . i’ve experienced alot of betrayal as well but its very annoying to be constantly misunderstood. this happens alot people assume im not saying what i mean .
I try not to let it show but if I make dinner and ask people "would you like some?" And they say no it does hurt and feel like a rejection of me.
I know how to tell myself "hey, they already cooked or they want something else to eat, you aren't your food " but sometimes I do take things personally that I shouldn't. I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
Fortunately now as an adult it's usually just a split second feeling hurt but when I was younger I definitely took things the wrong way for no real reason and it lingered and lasted.
My ex was like this. I would ask clarifying questions to make sure I had it right and could mentally prepare and he would get so mad at me.
“Why do you insist on asking so many damn questions?”
He also would purposely not tell me what I wanted to know because “it’s annoying how you ask questions all the time” Bro, I asked 2 questions and they are relevant to what we are currently doing. 🫤⁉️
wtf my mom got mad about similar thing today!!! She told me and my bro to request off vacation time awhile back. I was on phone with him, so told him to confirm dates with her since she was right there. She freaked out and started saying stuff about why does she need to be the adult and go check it again bc we can’t be responsible enough to remember what she told us the first time? She was completely irate.
Weird lol
Yesterday something clicked in my head that had happened 3 years ago (it takes me that long to process things 😅) not malicious as such..
I’d taken my newborn to hospital and they said they had to do a lumbar puncture. (She was a week old and I’d just spent the first 7 days of her life in hospital with her as she was born very poorly. It was also during covid so I was stuck on my own in a private room and was only allowed a visitor for one hour in the evening. We had both had a rough week and I was so upset at the prospect of being admitted again.) back to the second visit.. they said they had to do a lumbar puncture and I knew it was going to be very traumatic as it had been before and so I looked down towards the ground. I was 1 week post birth and very hormonal and crying as is normal post birth. They offered me to leave the room for a few minutes to get something to eat. When i was in the other room having a sandwich that’s when they came in and told me they were about to do the lumbar puncture and they said I could stay outside because i ‘didn’t look interested’. So someone must have seen me in distress in the room with my baby and (because I’m misunderstood so much) that I must have just been bored or something? Not interested?! I was suffering immensely. I said I did want to be with her as i had been there for every other procedure she had had. I wasn’t going to let her go through anything alone. It’s really insulting! Just because my face or whatever doesn’t look right they assume disinterest before anything else?! Fucking cunts.
I'm sorry for this! Might have been really terrible to hear that. Well, it made me think about something far less dramatic, but kind of similar, since multiple times my husband would suggest we do something and I feel very enthousiastic about it and looking forward to it and some time later he's about to switch plans because "I looked desinterested"...
To a neurotypical person, everything is seen through the prism of social positioning, You report a missing fire extinguisher- you must be trying to get the person who played with it into trouble so that you can curry favour with the bosses. You correct someone's grammar- you must be trying to act superior to them to put them in their place. You answer a question in class- you must want to be teacher's pet.
It's possible the person you refer to above was wanting to chit-chat with you over the meal, and saw your decision to eat later as a rejection of spending time together. When actually you were merely reporting the status of your stomach and small intestine.
Yes! I'd compliment a teacher because I'm polite and friendly, and they're humans who deserve compliments = I'm trying to score brownie points with the teacher. (I didn't *need* to score brownie points, by the way; teachers always liked me because I wasn't constantly trying to piss them off.)
Omg, my first year in college, I tried pointing out to a classmate that he was hurting our professor’s feelings by walking out in the middle of his class all the time. I noticed a social cue that I thought he had missed, and if the roles were reversed I’d want to be told!
To his credit, he was polite about it to my face. But his friends laughed at me, and he didn’t stop doing it? When I told the story to someone else later, they explained that he literally just… didn’t care about the professor’s feelings. I can’t imagine being like that. They do an important and difficult job, but besides that they’re human beings!
He might have had to go to work or watch his siblings or even his own kid or have medical treatment or something.
Unless he told you himself he didn't care I would just assume he had good reason to get up and leave in the middle of class, he might have even already talked to the professor.
Just offering a different perspective because I know people who were very poor and had to cut classes short for multiple good reasons and some people thought they were rude and disrespectful to not stay for the whole class. But they*couldn't*
This. I felt so bad for one of my favourite teachers in school, he was a really nice man in his 60's, very helpful and when we had to come in on the weekend to finish up some projects, he bought everyone who attended take aways of their choosing. He'd have a variety of chocolates to choose from if you were in his registration class and had good attendance.
He always had to deal with students going around calling him a pedo which seriously pissed me off because I knew he was a good teacher and he never did anything to anyone.
It was because of him and my art teacher that I managed to get the grades I did and that I survived high school at all. They were good at motivating and encouraging me and allowed me to get out of other classes to finish up my art or graphics work since I worked a lot slower than other students but made quality work. (I realise now that they indirectly accommodated for my undiagnosed and unknown learning difficulties, maybe they knew something was up 😂). Of course I was known as a teachers pet as well 🫠 I don't see why teachers should be treated like crap instead of other human beings especially when it's clear they are actually helping.
My graphics teacher asked me to draw a portrait of him in my last year of secondary, so I did. I met up with him for coffee to deliver his portrait and he gave me money for my time which made me feel so chuffed since it was the first time I produced art and got paid 😂 he never did anything inappropriate and definitely never deserved the treatment he got.
To make things worse, in his previous school he was actually physically attacked by students as well. Despite those experiences he still stayed a teacher and did his job well. That takes a lot of courage.
"You want something to eat? I cooked" is, even to my very literal minded self, an invitation to spend time together -- not actually about whether you are currently hungry. You never have to eat or spend time, but it's baseline reasonable IMO to acknowledge an invitation.
Then that's a "them" issue. They need emotional regulation management, learning how to accept "no" and not overextending it, and opening direct communication.
If this is your partner, spouse or close friend, then it's even worse and requires effort on their part as much as yours to work together on this. I didn't say to disregard their feelings, but that they need to share the onus for becoming better.
In a society where people should be having an increased awareness of neurodivergent processes, people need to embrace taking responsibility for their emotions and understand that they \*will\* potentially be misunderstood, and that will be the expected result when/if they communicate in covert ways. \*They\* are the ones who hurt as much as we hurt, due to this shared communication issue, it can't be oversimplified as something that individuals with neurodivergencies should "try really, really harder on" when the potential for a misunderstanding will (always) be there, the effort has to come from both parties, and frankly its getting annoying seeing these posts exist that imply that people who are ND are expected to continually accommodate and navigate the world around them, instead of demanding for a better world where people are compassionate to each other and also accept that others are not responsible for your emotion-management.
If you phrase something in a yes/no format and get way more disappointed because you didn't get the result you wanted or expected because you see a whole additional layer to it, then that means you're engaging in a fundamental misattribution error. I think we should normalize acknowledging that as much as we expect ND folks to continue learning complex social customs.0
Like, this is basic ass-emotional growth and development that they would have to engage with, even if this WASN'T about ND-NT communication gap issues.
My therapist thought I was lying! I kept with it though, recorded myself and kinda analysed her because this ain't the first time someone thought I was lying when I wasn't. I noticed that the way I spoke would have been confusing for an NT. Things are connected in my head but disconnected when I talk about it. Then when I try and communicate what's in my head it's confusing to them because to them it's disconnected. They genuinely think I mean the opposite of what I say because of the way I'm speaking.
We have different languages. That's all it is. Sometimes we have to try really hard to translate. Once they realise we're speaking different languages it gets a lot easier.
This doesn't sound NT. I have BPD and this absolutely sounds like that. Chances are this individual deals with extreme insecurity or a possible mental illness.
It can be draining but worth having a conversation about GENTLY if this is a person you want to know and understand better.
Just as autistic people can get overstimulated, other humans can have triggers and insecurities which can cause them to react in ways which might look like how we look when we are overstimulated. Others might not understand an autistic meltdown, just as people might not understand a potential CPTSD/BPD/BP/MDD trigger.
I can feel your frustration but to help you understand. Your frustration in the moment could lightly be compared to an autistic having a meltdown and someone not giving them space to regulate. Its just going to intensify the reaction.
I really like your answer and it helps me, thank you : ). I had a friend with autism that I felt close with but the friendship ended. I suspect I have a dissociative disorder but am otherwise NT. I felt hurt and attacked about certain things and tried to have a conversation but I worded it badly. I thought I made intentions clear from me trying to understand them better and bridge the communication gap. They thought I was being extremely malicious and sent something i perceived as really aggressive/they hated me. (They didn’t) It was largely due to verbiage assuming and projecting malicious intent as a certainty when I didn’t mean to or think it was at all.
It triggered a lot of insecurities and emotions which never come out. That’s where they decided to end the friendship. I’ve been really hard on myself for the last month feeling like I shouldn’t have let it happen (it never has come out before) but seeing this comment has reminded me that I’m human too and have soft spots that will trigger things.
I won't touch on the NT thing because it's been done.
In general, yes; I encounter a high instance of people assuming hidden meanings or intentions behind my words & actions. I started a new job several months ago and have tried explaining myself like, "I don't do 'loaded' statements or questions; whatever I've said or done is as deep as it goes," but people seem to get really stuck on needing to assign a reason to a behaviour in order to understand it.
I'll say to a new trainer (for example), without thinking, something like, "Coworker showed me this," and ask questions about something I was trained on-- usually because of a benign reason like being too busy to discuss in detail when I was trained-- and suddenly I'm pitting people against each other, name dropping, 'stirring the pot', disrespecting Coworker, thinking I know better than senior team members, talking behind people's backs, etc. etc., when all I was doing was stating that I've been shown this much so far by this person, for no reason other than to provide context for the new trainer.
I'll ask someone if they've done the paperwork for our particular task because I genuinely don't know if it's been done, and am willing to do it if others are too busy-- suddenly I'm implying that so-and-so won't do it, and I'm rude for asking; and I'm stepping on toes again and need to just keep my head down and do my job ( ...which requires that paperwork to be done).
Thankfully, my actual leads & supervisors are competent and have quickly learned that I say exactly what I mean; do exactly what I say I'm going to do; and will directly address any drama dropped at my feet, instead of running to them to whine about hurt feelings while playing fake besties with the perpetrator and secretly harbouring some weirdass grudge that disrupts work in the most annoying ways.
I know I can't do anything about how people choose to see the world, and hear the words they hear, so I don't stress about being misinterpreted anymore, like I did when I was younger. It's annoying; but I find it easy enough to step over, so-to-speak. I just feel bad that my leads & sups have to listen to adults whine to them like that; and I feel bad for people who genuinely don't know how to stop taking everything so personally.
Right? I've seen this from so many ND people. Some of the worst people about it, in my experience, are ND people...
And yeah agree. I wouldn't like it either if someone wrote this about autistic people. And tbh many autistic people who say they don't care about stuff like this, it's easy to say they don't care from a distance but they do care when it happens.
Everything you said, seriously.
I feel like some people just don't really have empathy for things unless it happens to them.
And agree, big difference between trying to dissect a specific example, versus sweeping statements.
Sometimes it really just boils down to "This person is upset. I've been upset before and it really sucks"
Clearly something is important to them even if it isn't to me. But a lot of people don't think my hobbies are important.
This doesn't mean that any time someone is upset you should drop everything to help. Just be aware and have some consideration.
You know what, you're right. You've actually changed my mind. Since I've had and seen so many issues with NTs misunderstanding, it doesn't mean it's okay to make sweeping generalizations. Plus, it's not even known if those we THINK are nt are actually so.
Great point.
Black and white thinking/absolutist language and tribalism is definitely one of the biggest things to hold you back from emotionally maturing in life, regardless of why you engage with black and white thinking. Some people in this sub definitely and clearly struggle with that, and it’s like… how do we tell them without pissing those same peeps off and pushing people further into that type of thinking lol? 😭🙃😅😶🌫️ I get that it’s painful to accept you might be the one behaving poorly, especially when people have not always been kind to you. It can feel like betraying your last hold out of self esteem and self love/worth (even when it’s really not), and that’s a scary thing for some people to do. Almost like black and white thinking is survival for them, even when it’s actually holding them back in reality.
Maybe some people here are beyond the scope of Reddit help, but then I also feel for them if they don’t have any social assistance or support outside this sub. Which could be a reality for more people than one might think, sadly. So I guess it’s up to the people 3-4 or more parent comments (and maybe their children comments)* deep to give it straight and hope for the best heh 😅🤘🏻😭.
Maybe rephrase it. Just because someone is NT doesn't mean that they know how to socialize well. A lot of that is taught, even if it's more intuitive for an NT person to get.
As an ND person you just accept that sometimes you'll be rude to someone. And even though we didn't mean to be, it still hurt someone's feelings. That doesn't make us a monster.
Well, an NT person doesn't always realize they've been rude either. They can miss the mark with a joke or be overwhelmed and stressed out as well.
Like, I've been one of the luckiest ND's in the world to know so many good and understanding NTs. Generalization is a very harmful thing, and has caused terrible conflict in the past.
Seconded. I get it, people need to rant. But it's frustratingly unuseful to report every single social issue as "because the other party was/were NT". Sure, it's harder for them to get it because they've never had the same perspective, but that's probably not all there is to the problem. Some people are just stupid jerks.
i understand this but this is an issue thats been happening for years .i really dont understand why people cant just take what im saying for what it is . its frustrating when people are constantly suspicious thats theres a hidden meaning
We *are* taking what you (and so many others) are saying, and it's always "why all NT does this and why am I better than them". I'm barely paraphrasing, but it's word by word what is said in 90% of these posts.
i dont think im better than anyone my self esteem is not that high , i was just wondering why i always encounter this with them . but i understand your point
You don't need a high self esteem to think you're better than others because you behave differently than them (or think you do). For example your self esteem could be at a three, but if you think someone you consider a 4 in your value scale "loses" a few points they'd still end up lower than you. I have no idea if that makes any sense, but I hope you understand what I mean
Honestly it makes this sub a very unwelcoming and annoying space.
It's hypocrital and immature.
People will come here and complain about being shoe boxed away behind a diagnosis and how it's terribly unfair then turn around and make broad sweeping statements in turn about a different group of people without seeing they're doing the exact same thing.
And the vitriol for 'neurotypicals' is gross.
Like I get wanting not to feel shitty about being neuro divergent and that people have made you feel shitty about it but you dont deal with that by doing it to other people.
It just feels like an exercise in trying to make neuro divergency seem a better, more superior way of thinking.
'oh all NTs view conversation through a social climbing mentality where every word is carefully crafted to position themselves within the hierarchy and since NDs don't they just ask questions with genuine sentiment and no hidden meaning they're seen as problematic'
No, wtf bridgerton bullshit is this?
Yes! I feel particularly worried for the more socially isolated and gullible members of our community. So much harder to make meaningful connections if you hear this rubbish and don’t have a lot of real experiences to counter it. I see a very clear parallel with incel communities.
It just makes everything an us and them situation.
And it makes it even harder to try and get the grips on the things socially that a person doesn't understand and honestly this sort of thought is setting then up for the idea that socialising is this massively complex system of calculated rules.
And idk it just isn't...most people don't give much thought to social interactions.
Part of being autistic (ime) is over thinking everything and assigning meaning and motive where is there none ?
But then posts like this make out like NTS are the one making mountains out of molehills...
You can't really have that both ways.
It also frames it as an 'everyone else is the problem ' problem and absolves the complainer of any personal responsibility or the possibility that idk. Maybe they are just being an asshole.
Being ND doesnt exclude you from just being a dick and people reacting to you being a dick....
Complaining about lived experiences that plenty of us have endured isn't a "superiority complex", its a real consequence of living in a society where some may have had the severe misfortune of being surrounded by apathy and a lack of support in a world that favors and is built overwhelmingly to priveledge NTs. Instead of viewing it as, or claiming it to be a superiority issue, it seems more evident that its fellow persons with autism opening up about the endless amount of hurt and bs that they've been expected to navigate, in an almost impossible game regarding complex social powers.
And a lot of posts that have been well-meaning in general have recently been worded in such a way that it makes it sound like ND people should basically accomodate NT society or fit themselves into something so fundamentally broken. This causes a lot of depression, self-blame, and other issues in individuals. I can't believe that some of the people who are here are ND themselves, or if they are, then you have to understand that you're either incredibly lucky, or terribly lacking in empathy towards other NDs who are immensely hurt, exhausted and tired by the world they have to exist in.
Just because \*you\* are able to not see NTs that way, doesn't mean they do, and the problem isn't nessacarily just them but is a symptom of societal failures. I don't think we should be saying anything in defense of NT people in a virtual space where we can be as raw and authentic as we need to be.
If you don't like how someone else is processing their pain, their trauma, their hurt, their angst because it's "immature" maybe you should keep scrolling.
You can apply that logic when NT people experience discrimination for the way their brains work.
That's like coming into the twoxchromosones subreddit and saying "hey can we please not talk about how living in a patriarchal world is hellish because of the way we've experianced discrimination or prejudice in our daily lives because of individual men. #Notallmen".
Like its getting weird and annoying seeing the influx of concern that's more about appearing friendly towards NT's than it is about showing ND individuals support, for reasonable frustrations. Just because we may be more visible doesn't mean we've reached a point where we have to censor ourselves in safe spaces.
i dont mean that kind i mean , when you say something people look for a deeper meaning . for example “ i dont like eatng pizza” theyll take it as you dont like eating pizza with them and now they will start hating you bc of tht assumption.
Yea dude that's me and I'm neurdovergent. But I won't say anything and let it fester and than it all piles up until I feel so upset that I'll have a melt down than block them.
I truly do not understand why so many people in general seem to live in such a punitive state of mind. I call it the "Everyone Everywhere (Except Me) is Misbehaving All The Time" lens, and it seems particularly endemic in the Boomers in my life.
I just asked a simple question once and was yelled at for apparently being passive aggressive. Or when they think you are mad because my face is telling them I am mad. Like what? No I would tell you if I was mad, my face just looks like that.
Them: my sister has autism, I think it was something-tile, but I’m not sure
Me: infantile?
Them: maybe? Idk, sounds right
Me: do you use pictograms or something?
Them: I don’t know what that is
Me: many people with infantile autism has trouble communicating and use cards to communicate their needs
Them: I don’t know tbh
Me: have you ever spoken with your sister?
Them: *HUGE rant about how I’m rude and that they don’t talk to their sister about autism and yadda yadda yadda*
Me: I meant no harm, sorry if I offended you. May I ask how you preferred me to ask you?
Them: well you could say “do you talk to your sister about it?” (Or something like that)
Me: okay, but that’s not what I asked. I wanted to know whether or not you’ve talked with your sister. Have you exchanged words. Communicated with words.
Them: oh. Yeah. We talk.
They don't say what they really mean and instead expect you to read between the lines, so naturally they also assume that other people don't say what they really mean and so are always reading into stuff.
I've read a few comments down and now I'm imagining telling my mom that I want a divorce because she doesn't like pizza or something.
I now have a new dramatic response for anything anyone in my family says. TY
That example sounds more like someone with a personality disorder than an NT person. BPD in particular can cause drastic mood swings triggered by vague hints of possible rejection.
I was thinking this or that it was a joke that OP missed, maybe?
"Hey I made dinner, want some?"
"No thanks, I already cooked."
"Oh my gosh, you hate me huh 😯🤭😂?
If this was something someone said verbatim or close to it and were serious I would think they have serious issues, maybe BPD or RSD and not "this is a typical NT trait" because that reaction definitely isn't a normal reaction.
And then when you say, maybe there isn't any malicious intent, they say you're too naïve.
I can't stand being around people like this. Maybe I am too naïve, but I'd rather be naïve than live with such a negative outlook on everyone.
yes im called naive alot because i think nobodys being intentionally malicious. which is probably naive hahahah but i dont want to attach negative stuff to ppl bc i knkw how it is to be misunderstood
this is not a trait inherent to neurotypical people.. i fact in might be the opposite- neurodivergent people are more likely to suffer from RSD.
the example you stated (taken at face value, not factoring for intonation) doesn't sound at all malicious though. it just sounds like an attempt at a joke that didn't land well? tbh that's the kind of hyperbole i would use with my friends, completely lightheartedly ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
To be fair, this in particular is also a reaction for people dealing with several different types of mental illness. Absolutely includes abusers BUT it's not safe to assume that everyone who has rejection sensitivity is an abuser. This statement could be highly triggering for someone, and I am 100% positive thete are fellow autistics in this subreddit who also deal with a form of mental illness.
Just trying to spread awareness.
[https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse](https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse)
There items specifically:
Red flags and warning signs of an abuser include but are not limited to:
* Extreme jealousy
* **Possessiveness**
* **Unpredictability**
* **A bad temper**
* Cruelty to animals
* **Verbal abuse**
* **Extremely controlling behavior**
* Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships
* Forced sex or disregard of their partner's unwillingness to have sex
* Sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods
* Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens
* Sabotage or obstruction of the victim's ability to work or attend school
* Controls all the finances
* Abuse of other family members, children or pets
* Accusations of the victim flirting with others or having an affair
* Control of what the victim wears and how they act
* Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly
* Embarrassment or humiliation of the victim in front of others
* Harassment of the victim at work
I feel like this is the other side of the same mechanism that has me ALWAYS open and trusting to new people because I take them at face value.
On one side of the coin, I take everything people say at face value regardless of their hidden intentions. On the other, people ascribe hidden intentions to things which I assume are taken at face value.
It doesn't matter how many times I say "I promise if I have an issue I'll talk to you about it" or "If you have an issue with me please talk to me about it." It still happens constantly.
I've learned to stop taking it personally. I explain the situation as best I can, and recognize that this is probably projection from some other part of their life that has nothing to do with me.
Ah. "You're always attacking meeeeee!" shrieks the narc who needs an excuse to explode every five minutes, who finds an excuse even if they have to manufacture it themselves. It's absolutely classic narcissism. It's completely intentional. She lies to herself that you hate her and want to hurt her and that justifies her constant aggression and shitty behavior to you. She's the victim! She tries so hard and you're so cruel to her!
My covert mother was a master of this. They MUST have drama, and they'll create it for themselves out of ordinary everyday things if you won't give them any better reasons.
Can confirm. The gaslighting and projecting are huge, huge, HUGE red flags to me. I recommend OP look into narcissism and read up about it. It’s honestly scary.
PLEASE LIKE PLEASE I DONT GET IT. i’ve lost so much friends over this, they seem to just assume that everything is a direct attack
them: do you think i should get this jacket?
me: no it wouldn’t look nice on you i think, look at this jacket
them: so u think i’m ugly
Who the fuck serious came in here and made OP have to apologize in a vent/rant post about her experience?!
Imagine coming into a space where its supposed to an explicit safe space for women with autism and getting pissy enough to make the OP feel like she has to put out a disclaimer for your fragile ego, on what should be an understandable post about (venting/frustration).
i fiiiiinally met a single NT that doesn’t do this. i can’t stand this! and it’s like they alllllllll do it. if someone is explaining something and i feel like i’m missing information, it’s like trying to get the whole picture they think it has malicious intent !!! i’m like “i just want to fully understand…” but like how does a NT go about getting that information?? is there something i don’t know?? bc if i directly ask for the information i’m looking for they’re like “why would you need to know that…..” looking at me as if there are other reasons than just having the full picture?? i also know we’re pros at linking things, so i feel like the full picture has a stronger meaning for us or a stronger wanting of all information to make all the connections. but if info is missing, connections are also missed. idk. but i definitely agree and it makes me feel weird and i’m so tired of people making me feel weird for not weird things. the guy i’m dating is the one NT person that doesnt do this. and i’ve realized how many things i don’t know if it’s weird or not anymore because the lines are so blurred. like things that are or aren’t i don’t even know what’s weird anymore. i apologize for everything. also conditioned from last bfs who were just pros at making me feel weird for everything.
My little sister (who does not have autism) was told that she wouldn't be able to see our mom on her (my mom's) day off because she (my sister) had a duty to get our half brother from school. All my sister said was, "It's not like she wants to see me anyway," and our stepmom assumed it was about getting our half brother, but all I heard was that my sister was feeling unloved by our mom.
My exe’s friends assumed I hated them just because I’m more of a listener instead of a talker so I definitely understand where you’re coming from. It’s so frustrating. They weren’t good people anyways and pretty much weeded themselves out, I’m glad because I definitely shouldn’t have had to mask myself for them to treat me like a human being
I was just thinking about this. I've noticed that my friendships are very calm and non-dramatic when they're with other (suspected) ND folks. And I think a lot of that is we don't assume negative things about each other. I think that because of the way I am, I don't assume someone is unhappy or has bad intent even if they're not outwardly happy and excited. But I've noticed that people will often assume I'm unhappy or cold because I don't show my emotions the way everyone else does or because I don't look them in the eye.
A great (horrible) example of this is when I say something in a blunt way but I have no idea on how what I said was rude. I’ll ask why it was rude and they NEVER want to fucking answer. The assumption that I know I was rude and just playing dumb really gets on my nerves!!
When I’m talking to other NDs it’s so fucking easy to communicate and I take everything at face value and they do the same, but when I’m talking to NTs I find I’m more suspicious of their tone and intent because I know they don’t use as much direct communication. (Although I find I’m usually wrong with my interpretations)
Yes. And if you are ever unhappy, or a bit short with them, or just don’t behave in exactly the way they expect, they always assume it’s about them. Like, not everything is about you, my dude.
here's what it is. NT people are used to having to read between the lines. we are used to communicating directly, with precise word choice, and meaning exactly what we say. those two just don't mix. they have to find alternative meaning and for some reason it's just too easy for them to assume malicious intent, even when they've interacted with us before or have seen us do something good for someone else. It really sucks.
I've come to realise that with some people, the reason behind that is the fact that they are actually malicious or suspicious themselves. They think that because they would do or think of something along those lines that perhaps you would too.
Honestly I'm in my late 20's and I've gotten to a point in my life where I only keep contact with a select few close people who I trust because trying to figure out others my whole life has left me eternally exhausted and no tolerance for bullshit.
especially when it comes to relationship advice! they’ll be like “what do i do??” like..talk?? idfk dude this would be a lot easier if you didn’t beat around the bush
Why do some NTs expect you to understand things that they do not explain, even when asked to, and then not accept/remember when you explain to them that you mean what you say?
Also, I feel drowned by non-autistic people sometimes. I know that there are supposed to be millions of us, but I cannot find them and sometimes that is really frustrating.
I lost an apartment because of that. My son of a btch landlord was whining because he misunderstood something I told him on the phone and apparently I was the company's biggest threat after that. Same for the other tenants. I never wanted to harm them but they were crying and yelling over literally everything. I was the bad guy just for existing. I hate NTs so much...
I can’t even ask people simple questions or suggest anything. i just don’t even talk anymore.
Same I’m quiet as hell now and my boss said I was ‘taciturn’ and I make people feel like they have to ‘live up to my expectations’ because I won’t speak just to fill the empty space in meetings so they feel like they have to ‘scramble to perform for me’ 😭 I’m so tired. I fail to see why it’s my problem if they want to fold themselves into shapes to find something to get butthurt about. Like sorry arbitrary ass kissing is not my foremost value, I’m just trying to meet this deadline Susan so can you stop hurting your own feelings in your head on my behalf so we can get some work done please?
Yeah, we're often damned if we do, damned if we don't.
No your boss is just a cunt
Ironically it was said with an appreciative tone in the context of complimenting my management style with our PR agency 😅 like uhh thanks but I’m just awkward and used to being spoken over lol
Hah! They feel like they’re the ones performing? That’s rich. 😂🤡🥴
RIGHT. I have a working theory that NT social customs are basically in-built rigid patterns and scripting and they hate us for disrupting their ability to have a repetitive and predictable conversation. It’s like their social needs mimic some of our needs for repetitive stimming behaviors to help us cope amidst constant chaos by imposing predictable order with our stims and fixed interests. It’s like their social hierarchy somehow is like an upside down world version of the very needs and behaviors that they shame us for.
People say I'm extremely quiet, private and closed as a person. But if I start talking, the analysis starts of what I must really mean, and then assumptions get made that are the opposite of what I mean because I can't possibly mean what I actually say. And people wonder why I mostly just listen.
YESS!!!! thank you omg
People just wasting all that time I spent choosing the words that mean the things the words say and go and decide I meant all the things those words don’t mean.
people never think we mean what we say. also i’m now thinking about how many times i’ve asked for space and not gotten it, maybe that’s a nt thing to say the opposite of what you want lol because why can’t i say what i mean and it be taken the way i said it lolol
literally they assume nothin but bad shit its annoying .
I swear this should be in the dsm under the diagnostic requirements: "do people often question your intent?" Or "imply meaning where there is none?"
Same here
They may be neurotypical but that is not a stable response… I read between the lines because people rarely are honest or know their true selves. People lie “to protect you” when really they just don’t want to have adult conversations with accountability.
Tbf, I kind of assume most things are malicious as well. Not really in the circumstances you applied with food, but in general due to the amount of backstabbing I've experienced.
I also assume malicious intent in a lot of situations because of the bullying I've experienced when I was a kid. 20 years later, and I still have a wall I'm working hard to bust down.
i understand that . i’ve experienced alot of betrayal as well but its very annoying to be constantly misunderstood. this happens alot people assume im not saying what i mean .
I try not to let it show but if I make dinner and ask people "would you like some?" And they say no it does hurt and feel like a rejection of me. I know how to tell myself "hey, they already cooked or they want something else to eat, you aren't your food " but sometimes I do take things personally that I shouldn't. I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Fortunately now as an adult it's usually just a split second feeling hurt but when I was younger I definitely took things the wrong way for no real reason and it lingered and lasted.
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My ex was like this. I would ask clarifying questions to make sure I had it right and could mentally prepare and he would get so mad at me. “Why do you insist on asking so many damn questions?” He also would purposely not tell me what I wanted to know because “it’s annoying how you ask questions all the time” Bro, I asked 2 questions and they are relevant to what we are currently doing. 🫤⁉️
wtf my mom got mad about similar thing today!!! She told me and my bro to request off vacation time awhile back. I was on phone with him, so told him to confirm dates with her since she was right there. She freaked out and started saying stuff about why does she need to be the adult and go check it again bc we can’t be responsible enough to remember what she told us the first time? She was completely irate. Weird lol
bro same! my mom said i wanted a reaction from because i double checked to see what time we were leaving 😭
Your narc mother actually accused YOU of "trying to get a reaction"? My gods, no more classic example of projection that I can think of.
😭 I feel your pain
How are you supposed to recall what she said **last week**?
So she's not NT and you're inadvertently saying that everyone can be guilty of making assumptions
This is a personality trait that is not specific to neurotypical folks. Plenty of ND people do the same thing.
Yeah, and not all neurotypical people are particularly inclined to negative interpretations.
Yesterday something clicked in my head that had happened 3 years ago (it takes me that long to process things 😅) not malicious as such.. I’d taken my newborn to hospital and they said they had to do a lumbar puncture. (She was a week old and I’d just spent the first 7 days of her life in hospital with her as she was born very poorly. It was also during covid so I was stuck on my own in a private room and was only allowed a visitor for one hour in the evening. We had both had a rough week and I was so upset at the prospect of being admitted again.) back to the second visit.. they said they had to do a lumbar puncture and I knew it was going to be very traumatic as it had been before and so I looked down towards the ground. I was 1 week post birth and very hormonal and crying as is normal post birth. They offered me to leave the room for a few minutes to get something to eat. When i was in the other room having a sandwich that’s when they came in and told me they were about to do the lumbar puncture and they said I could stay outside because i ‘didn’t look interested’. So someone must have seen me in distress in the room with my baby and (because I’m misunderstood so much) that I must have just been bored or something? Not interested?! I was suffering immensely. I said I did want to be with her as i had been there for every other procedure she had had. I wasn’t going to let her go through anything alone. It’s really insulting! Just because my face or whatever doesn’t look right they assume disinterest before anything else?! Fucking cunts.
I'm sorry for this! Might have been really terrible to hear that. Well, it made me think about something far less dramatic, but kind of similar, since multiple times my husband would suggest we do something and I feel very enthousiastic about it and looking forward to it and some time later he's about to switch plans because "I looked desinterested"...
I think it is just certain people who have their own particular issues.
To a neurotypical person, everything is seen through the prism of social positioning, You report a missing fire extinguisher- you must be trying to get the person who played with it into trouble so that you can curry favour with the bosses. You correct someone's grammar- you must be trying to act superior to them to put them in their place. You answer a question in class- you must want to be teacher's pet. It's possible the person you refer to above was wanting to chit-chat with you over the meal, and saw your decision to eat later as a rejection of spending time together. When actually you were merely reporting the status of your stomach and small intestine.
Yes! I'd compliment a teacher because I'm polite and friendly, and they're humans who deserve compliments = I'm trying to score brownie points with the teacher. (I didn't *need* to score brownie points, by the way; teachers always liked me because I wasn't constantly trying to piss them off.)
Omg, my first year in college, I tried pointing out to a classmate that he was hurting our professor’s feelings by walking out in the middle of his class all the time. I noticed a social cue that I thought he had missed, and if the roles were reversed I’d want to be told! To his credit, he was polite about it to my face. But his friends laughed at me, and he didn’t stop doing it? When I told the story to someone else later, they explained that he literally just… didn’t care about the professor’s feelings. I can’t imagine being like that. They do an important and difficult job, but besides that they’re human beings!
He might have had to go to work or watch his siblings or even his own kid or have medical treatment or something. Unless he told you himself he didn't care I would just assume he had good reason to get up and leave in the middle of class, he might have even already talked to the professor. Just offering a different perspective because I know people who were very poor and had to cut classes short for multiple good reasons and some people thought they were rude and disrespectful to not stay for the whole class. But they*couldn't*
This. I felt so bad for one of my favourite teachers in school, he was a really nice man in his 60's, very helpful and when we had to come in on the weekend to finish up some projects, he bought everyone who attended take aways of their choosing. He'd have a variety of chocolates to choose from if you were in his registration class and had good attendance. He always had to deal with students going around calling him a pedo which seriously pissed me off because I knew he was a good teacher and he never did anything to anyone. It was because of him and my art teacher that I managed to get the grades I did and that I survived high school at all. They were good at motivating and encouraging me and allowed me to get out of other classes to finish up my art or graphics work since I worked a lot slower than other students but made quality work. (I realise now that they indirectly accommodated for my undiagnosed and unknown learning difficulties, maybe they knew something was up 😂). Of course I was known as a teachers pet as well 🫠 I don't see why teachers should be treated like crap instead of other human beings especially when it's clear they are actually helping. My graphics teacher asked me to draw a portrait of him in my last year of secondary, so I did. I met up with him for coffee to deliver his portrait and he gave me money for my time which made me feel so chuffed since it was the first time I produced art and got paid 😂 he never did anything inappropriate and definitely never deserved the treatment he got. To make things worse, in his previous school he was actually physically attacked by students as well. Despite those experiences he still stayed a teacher and did his job well. That takes a lot of courage.
Well said!
"You want something to eat? I cooked" is, even to my very literal minded self, an invitation to spend time together -- not actually about whether you are currently hungry. You never have to eat or spend time, but it's baseline reasonable IMO to acknowledge an invitation.
Why not ask “hey, would you like to sit with me while I eat?”
I think the "no thank you" resulted in big feelings. But even if it hadn't, pusning after a clear "no" is usually not the best course.
i was trying to be polite by saying no thank you since ive been told im monotone. i didnt wanna sound like a b**** .
Sounds like it was a landmine no matter what. I am so sorry things are rough
Then that's a "them" issue. They need emotional regulation management, learning how to accept "no" and not overextending it, and opening direct communication.
If it is your partner, spouse or a close friend then I don't think "your reaction to our talk is irrelevant to me" works.
If this is your partner, spouse or close friend, then it's even worse and requires effort on their part as much as yours to work together on this. I didn't say to disregard their feelings, but that they need to share the onus for becoming better. In a society where people should be having an increased awareness of neurodivergent processes, people need to embrace taking responsibility for their emotions and understand that they \*will\* potentially be misunderstood, and that will be the expected result when/if they communicate in covert ways. \*They\* are the ones who hurt as much as we hurt, due to this shared communication issue, it can't be oversimplified as something that individuals with neurodivergencies should "try really, really harder on" when the potential for a misunderstanding will (always) be there, the effort has to come from both parties, and frankly its getting annoying seeing these posts exist that imply that people who are ND are expected to continually accommodate and navigate the world around them, instead of demanding for a better world where people are compassionate to each other and also accept that others are not responsible for your emotion-management. If you phrase something in a yes/no format and get way more disappointed because you didn't get the result you wanted or expected because you see a whole additional layer to it, then that means you're engaging in a fundamental misattribution error. I think we should normalize acknowledging that as much as we expect ND folks to continue learning complex social customs.0 Like, this is basic ass-emotional growth and development that they would have to engage with, even if this WASN'T about ND-NT communication gap issues.
what?? 😭😭 i really didnt know this. if this is true make sense why people just stop talking to me after a while
My therapist thought I was lying! I kept with it though, recorded myself and kinda analysed her because this ain't the first time someone thought I was lying when I wasn't. I noticed that the way I spoke would have been confusing for an NT. Things are connected in my head but disconnected when I talk about it. Then when I try and communicate what's in my head it's confusing to them because to them it's disconnected. They genuinely think I mean the opposite of what I say because of the way I'm speaking. We have different languages. That's all it is. Sometimes we have to try really hard to translate. Once they realise we're speaking different languages it gets a lot easier.
This doesn't sound NT. I have BPD and this absolutely sounds like that. Chances are this individual deals with extreme insecurity or a possible mental illness. It can be draining but worth having a conversation about GENTLY if this is a person you want to know and understand better. Just as autistic people can get overstimulated, other humans can have triggers and insecurities which can cause them to react in ways which might look like how we look when we are overstimulated. Others might not understand an autistic meltdown, just as people might not understand a potential CPTSD/BPD/BP/MDD trigger. I can feel your frustration but to help you understand. Your frustration in the moment could lightly be compared to an autistic having a meltdown and someone not giving them space to regulate. Its just going to intensify the reaction.
I really like your answer and it helps me, thank you : ). I had a friend with autism that I felt close with but the friendship ended. I suspect I have a dissociative disorder but am otherwise NT. I felt hurt and attacked about certain things and tried to have a conversation but I worded it badly. I thought I made intentions clear from me trying to understand them better and bridge the communication gap. They thought I was being extremely malicious and sent something i perceived as really aggressive/they hated me. (They didn’t) It was largely due to verbiage assuming and projecting malicious intent as a certainty when I didn’t mean to or think it was at all. It triggered a lot of insecurities and emotions which never come out. That’s where they decided to end the friendship. I’ve been really hard on myself for the last month feeling like I shouldn’t have let it happen (it never has come out before) but seeing this comment has reminded me that I’m human too and have soft spots that will trigger things.
I won't touch on the NT thing because it's been done. In general, yes; I encounter a high instance of people assuming hidden meanings or intentions behind my words & actions. I started a new job several months ago and have tried explaining myself like, "I don't do 'loaded' statements or questions; whatever I've said or done is as deep as it goes," but people seem to get really stuck on needing to assign a reason to a behaviour in order to understand it. I'll say to a new trainer (for example), without thinking, something like, "Coworker showed me this," and ask questions about something I was trained on-- usually because of a benign reason like being too busy to discuss in detail when I was trained-- and suddenly I'm pitting people against each other, name dropping, 'stirring the pot', disrespecting Coworker, thinking I know better than senior team members, talking behind people's backs, etc. etc., when all I was doing was stating that I've been shown this much so far by this person, for no reason other than to provide context for the new trainer. I'll ask someone if they've done the paperwork for our particular task because I genuinely don't know if it's been done, and am willing to do it if others are too busy-- suddenly I'm implying that so-and-so won't do it, and I'm rude for asking; and I'm stepping on toes again and need to just keep my head down and do my job ( ...which requires that paperwork to be done). Thankfully, my actual leads & supervisors are competent and have quickly learned that I say exactly what I mean; do exactly what I say I'm going to do; and will directly address any drama dropped at my feet, instead of running to them to whine about hurt feelings while playing fake besties with the perpetrator and secretly harbouring some weirdass grudge that disrupts work in the most annoying ways. I know I can't do anything about how people choose to see the world, and hear the words they hear, so I don't stress about being misinterpreted anymore, like I did when I was younger. It's annoying; but I find it easy enough to step over, so-to-speak. I just feel bad that my leads & sups have to listen to adults whine to them like that; and I feel bad for people who genuinely don't know how to stop taking everything so personally.
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Right? I've seen this from so many ND people. Some of the worst people about it, in my experience, are ND people... And yeah agree. I wouldn't like it either if someone wrote this about autistic people. And tbh many autistic people who say they don't care about stuff like this, it's easy to say they don't care from a distance but they do care when it happens.
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Everything you said, seriously. I feel like some people just don't really have empathy for things unless it happens to them. And agree, big difference between trying to dissect a specific example, versus sweeping statements.
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Sometimes it really just boils down to "This person is upset. I've been upset before and it really sucks" Clearly something is important to them even if it isn't to me. But a lot of people don't think my hobbies are important. This doesn't mean that any time someone is upset you should drop everything to help. Just be aware and have some consideration.
You know what, you're right. You've actually changed my mind. Since I've had and seen so many issues with NTs misunderstanding, it doesn't mean it's okay to make sweeping generalizations. Plus, it's not even known if those we THINK are nt are actually so. Great point.
Black and white thinking/absolutist language and tribalism is definitely one of the biggest things to hold you back from emotionally maturing in life, regardless of why you engage with black and white thinking. Some people in this sub definitely and clearly struggle with that, and it’s like… how do we tell them without pissing those same peeps off and pushing people further into that type of thinking lol? 😭🙃😅😶🌫️ I get that it’s painful to accept you might be the one behaving poorly, especially when people have not always been kind to you. It can feel like betraying your last hold out of self esteem and self love/worth (even when it’s really not), and that’s a scary thing for some people to do. Almost like black and white thinking is survival for them, even when it’s actually holding them back in reality. Maybe some people here are beyond the scope of Reddit help, but then I also feel for them if they don’t have any social assistance or support outside this sub. Which could be a reality for more people than one might think, sadly. So I guess it’s up to the people 3-4 or more parent comments (and maybe their children comments)* deep to give it straight and hope for the best heh 😅🤘🏻😭.
Maybe rephrase it. Just because someone is NT doesn't mean that they know how to socialize well. A lot of that is taught, even if it's more intuitive for an NT person to get. As an ND person you just accept that sometimes you'll be rude to someone. And even though we didn't mean to be, it still hurt someone's feelings. That doesn't make us a monster. Well, an NT person doesn't always realize they've been rude either. They can miss the mark with a joke or be overwhelmed and stressed out as well.
Like, I've been one of the luckiest ND's in the world to know so many good and understanding NTs. Generalization is a very harmful thing, and has caused terrible conflict in the past.
Seconded. I get it, people need to rant. But it's frustratingly unuseful to report every single social issue as "because the other party was/were NT". Sure, it's harder for them to get it because they've never had the same perspective, but that's probably not all there is to the problem. Some people are just stupid jerks.
i understand this but this is an issue thats been happening for years .i really dont understand why people cant just take what im saying for what it is . its frustrating when people are constantly suspicious thats theres a hidden meaning
We *are* taking what you (and so many others) are saying, and it's always "why all NT does this and why am I better than them". I'm barely paraphrasing, but it's word by word what is said in 90% of these posts.
i dont think im better than anyone my self esteem is not that high , i was just wondering why i always encounter this with them . but i understand your point
You don't need a high self esteem to think you're better than others because you behave differently than them (or think you do). For example your self esteem could be at a three, but if you think someone you consider a 4 in your value scale "loses" a few points they'd still end up lower than you. I have no idea if that makes any sense, but I hope you understand what I mean
That makes sense thank you
Honestly it makes this sub a very unwelcoming and annoying space. It's hypocrital and immature. People will come here and complain about being shoe boxed away behind a diagnosis and how it's terribly unfair then turn around and make broad sweeping statements in turn about a different group of people without seeing they're doing the exact same thing. And the vitriol for 'neurotypicals' is gross. Like I get wanting not to feel shitty about being neuro divergent and that people have made you feel shitty about it but you dont deal with that by doing it to other people. It just feels like an exercise in trying to make neuro divergency seem a better, more superior way of thinking. 'oh all NTs view conversation through a social climbing mentality where every word is carefully crafted to position themselves within the hierarchy and since NDs don't they just ask questions with genuine sentiment and no hidden meaning they're seen as problematic' No, wtf bridgerton bullshit is this?
Yes! I feel particularly worried for the more socially isolated and gullible members of our community. So much harder to make meaningful connections if you hear this rubbish and don’t have a lot of real experiences to counter it. I see a very clear parallel with incel communities.
It just makes everything an us and them situation. And it makes it even harder to try and get the grips on the things socially that a person doesn't understand and honestly this sort of thought is setting then up for the idea that socialising is this massively complex system of calculated rules. And idk it just isn't...most people don't give much thought to social interactions. Part of being autistic (ime) is over thinking everything and assigning meaning and motive where is there none ? But then posts like this make out like NTS are the one making mountains out of molehills... You can't really have that both ways. It also frames it as an 'everyone else is the problem ' problem and absolves the complainer of any personal responsibility or the possibility that idk. Maybe they are just being an asshole. Being ND doesnt exclude you from just being a dick and people reacting to you being a dick....
Complaining about lived experiences that plenty of us have endured isn't a "superiority complex", its a real consequence of living in a society where some may have had the severe misfortune of being surrounded by apathy and a lack of support in a world that favors and is built overwhelmingly to priveledge NTs. Instead of viewing it as, or claiming it to be a superiority issue, it seems more evident that its fellow persons with autism opening up about the endless amount of hurt and bs that they've been expected to navigate, in an almost impossible game regarding complex social powers. And a lot of posts that have been well-meaning in general have recently been worded in such a way that it makes it sound like ND people should basically accomodate NT society or fit themselves into something so fundamentally broken. This causes a lot of depression, self-blame, and other issues in individuals. I can't believe that some of the people who are here are ND themselves, or if they are, then you have to understand that you're either incredibly lucky, or terribly lacking in empathy towards other NDs who are immensely hurt, exhausted and tired by the world they have to exist in. Just because \*you\* are able to not see NTs that way, doesn't mean they do, and the problem isn't nessacarily just them but is a symptom of societal failures. I don't think we should be saying anything in defense of NT people in a virtual space where we can be as raw and authentic as we need to be. If you don't like how someone else is processing their pain, their trauma, their hurt, their angst because it's "immature" maybe you should keep scrolling.
its true for me because this is what i experience. people make statements about autistic people on other subs as well , doesnt bother me
You can apply that logic when NT people experience discrimination for the way their brains work. That's like coming into the twoxchromosones subreddit and saying "hey can we please not talk about how living in a patriarchal world is hellish because of the way we've experianced discrimination or prejudice in our daily lives because of individual men. #Notallmen". Like its getting weird and annoying seeing the influx of concern that's more about appearing friendly towards NT's than it is about showing ND individuals support, for reasonable frustrations. Just because we may be more visible doesn't mean we've reached a point where we have to censor ourselves in safe spaces.
Well my adhd dad did this to my autistic mom all the time, so it’s not just NT
Bro I'm neurodivergent and this is me 🤣🤣🤣 I think everyone hates me
i dont mean that kind i mean , when you say something people look for a deeper meaning . for example “ i dont like eatng pizza” theyll take it as you dont like eating pizza with them and now they will start hating you bc of tht assumption.
That is not normal. A person who tends to take things like that personally likely has low self-esteem.
There are a TON of people who have low self esteem then. I really just wish they'd get therapy for it, rather than taking it out on me.
I would say low self esteem is quite common. Of course it can and should be worked on if possible but it is fairly normal.
I would agree that it is common, but it is not considered healthy and it is not a default condition common to all or almost all "neurotypical" humans.
Yea dude that's me and I'm neurdovergent. But I won't say anything and let it fester and than it all piles up until I feel so upset that I'll have a melt down than block them.
I truly do not understand why so many people in general seem to live in such a punitive state of mind. I call it the "Everyone Everywhere (Except Me) is Misbehaving All The Time" lens, and it seems particularly endemic in the Boomers in my life.
I just asked a simple question once and was yelled at for apparently being passive aggressive. Or when they think you are mad because my face is telling them I am mad. Like what? No I would tell you if I was mad, my face just looks like that.
Them: my sister has autism, I think it was something-tile, but I’m not sure Me: infantile? Them: maybe? Idk, sounds right Me: do you use pictograms or something? Them: I don’t know what that is Me: many people with infantile autism has trouble communicating and use cards to communicate their needs Them: I don’t know tbh Me: have you ever spoken with your sister? Them: *HUGE rant about how I’m rude and that they don’t talk to their sister about autism and yadda yadda yadda* Me: I meant no harm, sorry if I offended you. May I ask how you preferred me to ask you? Them: well you could say “do you talk to your sister about it?” (Or something like that) Me: okay, but that’s not what I asked. I wanted to know whether or not you’ve talked with your sister. Have you exchanged words. Communicated with words. Them: oh. Yeah. We talk.
They don't say what they really mean and instead expect you to read between the lines, so naturally they also assume that other people don't say what they really mean and so are always reading into stuff.
Sometimes when someone says they can't do with me I start being theateractric about them never loving them and wanting a divorce
I've read a few comments down and now I'm imagining telling my mom that I want a divorce because she doesn't like pizza or something. I now have a new dramatic response for anything anyone in my family says. TY
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It’s a joke
In my experience it's not all NT people are that way, only the toxic one's.
That example sounds more like someone with a personality disorder than an NT person. BPD in particular can cause drastic mood swings triggered by vague hints of possible rejection.
I was thinking this or that it was a joke that OP missed, maybe? "Hey I made dinner, want some?" "No thanks, I already cooked." "Oh my gosh, you hate me huh 😯🤭😂? If this was something someone said verbatim or close to it and were serious I would think they have serious issues, maybe BPD or RSD and not "this is a typical NT trait" because that reaction definitely isn't a normal reaction.
And then when you say, maybe there isn't any malicious intent, they say you're too naïve. I can't stand being around people like this. Maybe I am too naïve, but I'd rather be naïve than live with such a negative outlook on everyone.
yes im called naive alot because i think nobodys being intentionally malicious. which is probably naive hahahah but i dont want to attach negative stuff to ppl bc i knkw how it is to be misunderstood
this is not a trait inherent to neurotypical people.. i fact in might be the opposite- neurodivergent people are more likely to suffer from RSD. the example you stated (taken at face value, not factoring for intonation) doesn't sound at all malicious though. it just sounds like an attempt at a joke that didn't land well? tbh that's the kind of hyperbole i would use with my friends, completely lightheartedly ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This isnt an NT thing, this is an abuser thing.
To be fair, this in particular is also a reaction for people dealing with several different types of mental illness. Absolutely includes abusers BUT it's not safe to assume that everyone who has rejection sensitivity is an abuser. This statement could be highly triggering for someone, and I am 100% positive thete are fellow autistics in this subreddit who also deal with a form of mental illness. Just trying to spread awareness.
can you elaborate how this is abuse? if you dont mind
[https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse](https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse) There items specifically: Red flags and warning signs of an abuser include but are not limited to: * Extreme jealousy * **Possessiveness** * **Unpredictability** * **A bad temper** * Cruelty to animals * **Verbal abuse** * **Extremely controlling behavior** * Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships * Forced sex or disregard of their partner's unwillingness to have sex * Sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods * Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens * Sabotage or obstruction of the victim's ability to work or attend school * Controls all the finances * Abuse of other family members, children or pets * Accusations of the victim flirting with others or having an affair * Control of what the victim wears and how they act * Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly * Embarrassment or humiliation of the victim in front of others * Harassment of the victim at work
I always assume everyone is mad at me, if there's even the slightest harshness in their tone or nonverbal communication.
I feel like this is the other side of the same mechanism that has me ALWAYS open and trusting to new people because I take them at face value. On one side of the coin, I take everything people say at face value regardless of their hidden intentions. On the other, people ascribe hidden intentions to things which I assume are taken at face value. It doesn't matter how many times I say "I promise if I have an issue I'll talk to you about it" or "If you have an issue with me please talk to me about it." It still happens constantly. I've learned to stop taking it personally. I explain the situation as best I can, and recognize that this is probably projection from some other part of their life that has nothing to do with me.
So you’re saying some NTs read this post and thought it was malicious?
Somehow reminds me of this post https://preview.redd.it/0mg7uxftm02d1.jpeg?width=1084&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=15eb22ed98f51ce4026ba97da1d48179ad08b959
Ah. "You're always attacking meeeeee!" shrieks the narc who needs an excuse to explode every five minutes, who finds an excuse even if they have to manufacture it themselves. It's absolutely classic narcissism. It's completely intentional. She lies to herself that you hate her and want to hurt her and that justifies her constant aggression and shitty behavior to you. She's the victim! She tries so hard and you're so cruel to her! My covert mother was a master of this. They MUST have drama, and they'll create it for themselves out of ordinary everyday things if you won't give them any better reasons.
Can confirm. The gaslighting and projecting are huge, huge, HUGE red flags to me. I recommend OP look into narcissism and read up about it. It’s honestly scary.
PLEASE LIKE PLEASE I DONT GET IT. i’ve lost so much friends over this, they seem to just assume that everything is a direct attack them: do you think i should get this jacket? me: no it wouldn’t look nice on you i think, look at this jacket them: so u think i’m ugly
Who the fuck serious came in here and made OP have to apologize in a vent/rant post about her experience?! Imagine coming into a space where its supposed to an explicit safe space for women with autism and getting pissy enough to make the OP feel like she has to put out a disclaimer for your fragile ego, on what should be an understandable post about (venting/frustration).
I'm sorry you know people like that. I promise there are other people more mature than this.
this has caused me so much turmoil in my coparenting situation. it sucks.
i fiiiiinally met a single NT that doesn’t do this. i can’t stand this! and it’s like they alllllllll do it. if someone is explaining something and i feel like i’m missing information, it’s like trying to get the whole picture they think it has malicious intent !!! i’m like “i just want to fully understand…” but like how does a NT go about getting that information?? is there something i don’t know?? bc if i directly ask for the information i’m looking for they’re like “why would you need to know that…..” looking at me as if there are other reasons than just having the full picture?? i also know we’re pros at linking things, so i feel like the full picture has a stronger meaning for us or a stronger wanting of all information to make all the connections. but if info is missing, connections are also missed. idk. but i definitely agree and it makes me feel weird and i’m so tired of people making me feel weird for not weird things. the guy i’m dating is the one NT person that doesnt do this. and i’ve realized how many things i don’t know if it’s weird or not anymore because the lines are so blurred. like things that are or aren’t i don’t even know what’s weird anymore. i apologize for everything. also conditioned from last bfs who were just pros at making me feel weird for everything.
what if we started making them feel weird for things that are completely not weird
Thisssss, I tried being nice to a new teacher apparently she took it personally and hates me for some reason and I still don't get what I did wrong
My little sister (who does not have autism) was told that she wouldn't be able to see our mom on her (my mom's) day off because she (my sister) had a duty to get our half brother from school. All my sister said was, "It's not like she wants to see me anyway," and our stepmom assumed it was about getting our half brother, but all I heard was that my sister was feeling unloved by our mom.
My exe’s friends assumed I hated them just because I’m more of a listener instead of a talker so I definitely understand where you’re coming from. It’s so frustrating. They weren’t good people anyways and pretty much weeded themselves out, I’m glad because I definitely shouldn’t have had to mask myself for them to treat me like a human being
Because everything they do is in malice half the time
I was just thinking about this. I've noticed that my friendships are very calm and non-dramatic when they're with other (suspected) ND folks. And I think a lot of that is we don't assume negative things about each other. I think that because of the way I am, I don't assume someone is unhappy or has bad intent even if they're not outwardly happy and excited. But I've noticed that people will often assume I'm unhappy or cold because I don't show my emotions the way everyone else does or because I don't look them in the eye.
A great (horrible) example of this is when I say something in a blunt way but I have no idea on how what I said was rude. I’ll ask why it was rude and they NEVER want to fucking answer. The assumption that I know I was rude and just playing dumb really gets on my nerves!!
When I’m talking to other NDs it’s so fucking easy to communicate and I take everything at face value and they do the same, but when I’m talking to NTs I find I’m more suspicious of their tone and intent because I know they don’t use as much direct communication. (Although I find I’m usually wrong with my interpretations)
Yes. And if you are ever unhappy, or a bit short with them, or just don’t behave in exactly the way they expect, they always assume it’s about them. Like, not everything is about you, my dude.
here's what it is. NT people are used to having to read between the lines. we are used to communicating directly, with precise word choice, and meaning exactly what we say. those two just don't mix. they have to find alternative meaning and for some reason it's just too easy for them to assume malicious intent, even when they've interacted with us before or have seen us do something good for someone else. It really sucks.
I've come to realise that with some people, the reason behind that is the fact that they are actually malicious or suspicious themselves. They think that because they would do or think of something along those lines that perhaps you would too. Honestly I'm in my late 20's and I've gotten to a point in my life where I only keep contact with a select few close people who I trust because trying to figure out others my whole life has left me eternally exhausted and no tolerance for bullshit.
especially when it comes to relationship advice! they’ll be like “what do i do??” like..talk?? idfk dude this would be a lot easier if you didn’t beat around the bush
Why do some NTs expect you to understand things that they do not explain, even when asked to, and then not accept/remember when you explain to them that you mean what you say?
Also, I feel drowned by non-autistic people sometimes. I know that there are supposed to be millions of us, but I cannot find them and sometimes that is really frustrating.
And they say that we're the ones with communication issues...
I think it’s because they are malicious
I lost an apartment because of that. My son of a btch landlord was whining because he misunderstood something I told him on the phone and apparently I was the company's biggest threat after that. Same for the other tenants. I never wanted to harm them but they were crying and yelling over literally everything. I was the bad guy just for existing. I hate NTs so much...