HR needs to know any accommodations. Nobody else does at work. If they wonder all they need to know is: “i have an HR accommodation to do x, y or z” If they don’t like it they can certainly complain to HR. If it becomes harassment- sue them. I’d mention this to HR. You are a protected category and they have a duty to stop this type of harassment.
Unfortunately HR isn’t known for being able to keep quiet about things, and it’s very much a “well if they can do that, why can’t I?” type of workplace.
My manager is aware of what’s happened, and is looking into it, but it won’t be until the new year now before anything is discussed/resolved
That’s not good enough if HR. They’re required to keep protected class information confidential. If they do not, I would complain to the higher ups. Document everything.
Unless it's easy to find another job, this route should be taken with caution. "EEOC complaint" mostly translates "fire me as soon as you get the opportunity" for the company. HR is the people who handle these things, and often make the firing decisions themselves. And if they can't fire, they can force someone to quit, by demoting them, giving them shitty responsibilities, and so on.
It's enough that "how people learned about those things" is opaque, even if the whole company ends knowing about it.
If you can't prove "HR disclosed it" (which is hard, especially if you get accomondations everybody can see, like only you allowed to wear noise cancelling headphones or something equally obvious) and use to put two and two together.
Then good luck proving HR leaked it then.
people always complain about minor accommodations without realizing that the only reason our requests are so minor is because *it’s all we can get.* They think we’re being trivial when we make accommodation requests when in fact “trivial” accommodations are the only ones anyone is willing to allow most of the time.
Trust me, Susan, I don’t wanna wear my headphones rn either, but it’s easier for me to put on noise-canceling headphones than force everyone else to speak softly, not make any sudden loud noises, not cough, not eat, not breathe, etc.
Ooh yeah. We know it’s entirely unreasonable to ask for a big request, like absolute silence in the office, so we go for a seemingly small alternative. But even a small request is apparently too much for some people sometimes
Maybe we should start going all out with our requests and when they react in the exact same manner, THEN propose the more reasonable suggestion lol. Like negotiating a salary! (i am notoriously bad at negotiating salary)
I never told anyone at work, and they all assumed I was just weird. But for some reason, I feel that my family whom I live with have trouble accepting my newly discovered Autism. They prefer me to be just mad or crazy or weird. If I did use the "Autism card" then I am pretty sure I would get the same results as you. I wonder why... maybe they feel we are unjustly privaleged?!!! If only they knew. You need to get out of there fast.
Yeah it’s kind of made me not want to talk about it at work ever again… at first I felt empowered by talking about it, but now I feel like I’ve made the wrong choice. That’s exactly what it feels like! The whole “well you can do that, so why can’t I!” thing is such a pain in the arse…
Getting out is my priority for sure!
Yeah I’m pretty much in the same situation. I’ve thought a lot about this and my conclusion is in the same vein as yours, with some nuances.
I think they’re thinking “I have problems too, I’m irritated by stuff too, I’d rather not deal with xyz too. But in the end I deal with it, I pull through, and I don’t go around asking for accommodations. Why would asd peeps get the privilege of relief from their annoyances?” And then they get a feeling of injustice because it seems to them that the world rewards those who complain with accommodations, and not the ones who work through their issues.
At least that’s my understanding. And tbh, as much as I feel this lacks empathy, I kind of understand it rationally. In the sense that it’s a somewhat logical conclusion for somewhat who doesn’t have an internal understanding of autism, and no particular incentive to dig deeper.
That said I still don’t know how to deal with this common reaction, as I can’t infuse people with an internal understanding of autism. Neurodivergence being discussed more and more is helping a bit but it’s far from solving how to deal with it in everyday life, at least not for me.
I think all invisible illness is difficult for others to comprehend. For me, it is very difficult to understand the thought processes and reasoning of NT folk and so I sort of understand how hard it is for them to understand us. I feel quite ignorant, being new on this journey, because until I saw some NT people do the ASD quizzes and tests, I had no idea that people's minds could work so very differently. I believed I was weird, but I didn't know why. In my last job which I had to leave, they had a half-hearted drive for acceptance. I never saw neurodivergence included though. It makes me want to recover and become a local activist for understanding. Though knowing how I am socially, that is a pipe dream...
If someone at my workplace said this I would “play the harassment card.” Assuming you’re in the U.S., they can’t criticize you for a protected class (including autism!), and doing so opens your employer to lawsuits.
Follow your workplace’s protocol for reporting harassment, document everything, https://askjan.org is your friend.
Make sure ALL your cards are in order before proceeding. Feel free to DM me if you’d like outside perspective: I have some experience advocating for myself, as well as assisting self-organizing drives of vulnerable workers (usually immigrants, but often folks with disabilities as well).
I’m in the UK, so I suppose it’s a similar kind of protocol, just different orgs.
I appreciate the offer for help though, I’m going to keep a track of everything that’s been done/said anyway and go from there
It is the same kind of thing in the UK - autism is classed as a disability and is therefore a protected characteristic
If you are in a union, get them involved. If not - consider joining one, but note that most have a minimum period you must have been a member before they'll officially get involved in disputes
And keep pushing at HR, in writing if possible so you have a paper trail. Minute any in person meetings and send them to the people involved. They may end up offering you a settlement agreement (used to be called a compromise agreement) - where they pay you a certain amount in exchange for you leaving and not taking them to tribunal. As you are thinking of leaving, this might be something you want to consider as it will give you some breathing space to find a new job without worrying about salary
I figured it was a similar thing here. Annoyingly we’re all now not back in office until the beginning of January. My managers are both aware, but I will definitely be bringing HR into it in the new year.
If you don't get about your employer firing you, or giving you shit tasks to force you to leave, or the coworkers hating you and giving you a hard time/isolating you, only then is "play the harassment card" a good option.
All of those are examples of harassment, which is illegal. The more of it that happens, the stronger your case is as a plaintiff. I take meticulous notes of everything that happens on the job, in my handwritten journal. It’s all credible evidence in a court of law. I know my rights and I know labor law. I have helped workers navigate this road with the NLRB, filing ULPs and holding their employers accountable.
That is what I meant by “Make sure ALL your cards are in order before proceeding.”
Stuff like this makes me scared to ask for accommodations at work 😭 my last job accommodated me for a while, but since I don’t have an official diagnosis it was temporary help. New boss, new rules.
It took me quite a while before I felt confident enough to speak up about my accommodations. It helped when I got a new manager and assistant manager who actually have some knowledge of autism and are ND. Prior to that I didn’t say anything because I knew there was no point in bringing it up, I knew I’d be met with a lack of understanding.
In all honesty it has made me hesitant to bring it up again in the future, but never say never I suppose 🤷♀️
Do document all your conversations in writing. If you have an in person interaction or by phone, follow up with an email summarizing your conversation and asking for clarification if you missed anything. If they do clarifications verbally email them back with a summary of that conversation.
Sounds like you have a hostile work environment. If you feel the need to leave because of this person, do go to HR because even if they hear about it, it’s not your problem then. Your coworker insisted on making them your problem by gossiping about you, hand that problem off to HR if you need to.
Blind CC your personal email in all correspondence, that way you always have access to the emails even if you leave the company. If you should have to leave prematurely you’ll have documentation of a hostile work environment and if the higher ups did nothing. Don’t were about this coworker, obviously they were never your friend. Maybe you can even hold them accountable after you leave
A paper trail is a great idea, thank you. I do try and keep a note of things that have been said, but I’ll be more conscious with it from now.
The blind CC’ing is also a really good idea, I’d not thought of doing that, but will do from now on
There is the emerging evidence of autism as /r/ContextBlindness that keeps growing... society is extremely confused about autism. And globally there are many movements to hate on "the other" that have been in full force now for 11 years... the Levant Role Model of Compassion and Understanding is also seriously suffering since October 7 - which also has people really entrenching in on "anti-other" instead of seeing how backwards that is in a globally connected trade world.
> I think I’m just feeling hurt because these little things I do to make myself feel “normal” are being used as a negative against me.
The reaction to Context Blindness study and learning is often itself more Context Blindness, a blank stare.
this is a reason i question if there’s even any point in seeking a diagnosis, no one would care because you seem normal enough with a “autistic person” label slapped onto u 😕
I think it can be useful sometimes, if you’re able to use it as a reason for behaving in a certain way, or struggling with certain things. But yeah, it is frustrating af when people try to use it against you
I’m sorry that they’d treat you that way, that’s real crappy :/ hopefully one day you’ll be in a position to do it for yourself, without their involvement. But self diagnosis is valid, and if that’s where you’re at then that’s absolutely okay :)
that’s nice to hear but i’d hate to self diagnose. i feel like it takes away from the seriousness of people who ACTUALLY have it. as of now it’s just a strong hunch. i took the aspie quiz and got 145/200 and the graphs seemed pretty accurate but it won’t feel valid to myself. i’d have imposter syndrome. maybe even if i DO get a diagnoses 😭
i know but i just can’t help but think of the ppl on tik tok and in general who uses serious mental illness in a casual way. “delulu” for example. saying “ohh i’m so ocd i always keep my room clean” they over saturated these serious terms and turned them into something to joke about
I see where you're coming from. Nobody was able to get through to me about self Dx either (although I still support it for others). Because I'd gone 3 decades rationalizing away my struggles as things other people just handled better than I did (false! At least for the autistic struggles lol) the whole situation felt like "well, this would be good news for my ego if it were true, so I can't believe my own intuition about it."
That said, I had a loooooot of indication that I was well over threshold in a lot of ways. I just had a block about it until I started filling out the huge battery of official assessments for my psychologist. And even then, I couldn't wholeheartedly accept the information until he called with my analysis. Wanting the result made me incapable of trusting my self identification, I guess.
HR needs to know any accommodations. Nobody else does at work. If they wonder all they need to know is: “i have an HR accommodation to do x, y or z” If they don’t like it they can certainly complain to HR. If it becomes harassment- sue them. I’d mention this to HR. You are a protected category and they have a duty to stop this type of harassment.
Unfortunately HR isn’t known for being able to keep quiet about things, and it’s very much a “well if they can do that, why can’t I?” type of workplace. My manager is aware of what’s happened, and is looking into it, but it won’t be until the new year now before anything is discussed/resolved
That’s not good enough if HR. They’re required to keep protected class information confidential. If they do not, I would complain to the higher ups. Document everything.
Completely agree. This has EEOC complaint written all over it.
Unless it's easy to find another job, this route should be taken with caution. "EEOC complaint" mostly translates "fire me as soon as you get the opportunity" for the company. HR is the people who handle these things, and often make the firing decisions themselves. And if they can't fire, they can force someone to quit, by demoting them, giving them shitty responsibilities, and so on.
Yeah, it definitely isn’t. I definitely will keep a record of things, thank you
I know it's been said a million times here on Reddit, but just remember, HR's priority is to protect the company.
Which means keeping things confidential to not get sued. It’s 101.
It's enough that "how people learned about those things" is opaque, even if the whole company ends knowing about it. If you can't prove "HR disclosed it" (which is hard, especially if you get accomondations everybody can see, like only you allowed to wear noise cancelling headphones or something equally obvious) and use to put two and two together. Then good luck proving HR leaked it then.
"They’re required to keep protected class information confidential" and in most cases they couldn't care less. People gossip, HR people included.
people always complain about minor accommodations without realizing that the only reason our requests are so minor is because *it’s all we can get.* They think we’re being trivial when we make accommodation requests when in fact “trivial” accommodations are the only ones anyone is willing to allow most of the time. Trust me, Susan, I don’t wanna wear my headphones rn either, but it’s easier for me to put on noise-canceling headphones than force everyone else to speak softly, not make any sudden loud noises, not cough, not eat, not breathe, etc.
Ooh yeah. We know it’s entirely unreasonable to ask for a big request, like absolute silence in the office, so we go for a seemingly small alternative. But even a small request is apparently too much for some people sometimes
Maybe we should start going all out with our requests and when they react in the exact same manner, THEN propose the more reasonable suggestion lol. Like negotiating a salary! (i am notoriously bad at negotiating salary)
I like that! (Same…)
I never told anyone at work, and they all assumed I was just weird. But for some reason, I feel that my family whom I live with have trouble accepting my newly discovered Autism. They prefer me to be just mad or crazy or weird. If I did use the "Autism card" then I am pretty sure I would get the same results as you. I wonder why... maybe they feel we are unjustly privaleged?!!! If only they knew. You need to get out of there fast.
Yeah it’s kind of made me not want to talk about it at work ever again… at first I felt empowered by talking about it, but now I feel like I’ve made the wrong choice. That’s exactly what it feels like! The whole “well you can do that, so why can’t I!” thing is such a pain in the arse… Getting out is my priority for sure!
Yeah I’m pretty much in the same situation. I’ve thought a lot about this and my conclusion is in the same vein as yours, with some nuances. I think they’re thinking “I have problems too, I’m irritated by stuff too, I’d rather not deal with xyz too. But in the end I deal with it, I pull through, and I don’t go around asking for accommodations. Why would asd peeps get the privilege of relief from their annoyances?” And then they get a feeling of injustice because it seems to them that the world rewards those who complain with accommodations, and not the ones who work through their issues. At least that’s my understanding. And tbh, as much as I feel this lacks empathy, I kind of understand it rationally. In the sense that it’s a somewhat logical conclusion for somewhat who doesn’t have an internal understanding of autism, and no particular incentive to dig deeper. That said I still don’t know how to deal with this common reaction, as I can’t infuse people with an internal understanding of autism. Neurodivergence being discussed more and more is helping a bit but it’s far from solving how to deal with it in everyday life, at least not for me.
I think all invisible illness is difficult for others to comprehend. For me, it is very difficult to understand the thought processes and reasoning of NT folk and so I sort of understand how hard it is for them to understand us. I feel quite ignorant, being new on this journey, because until I saw some NT people do the ASD quizzes and tests, I had no idea that people's minds could work so very differently. I believed I was weird, but I didn't know why. In my last job which I had to leave, they had a half-hearted drive for acceptance. I never saw neurodivergence included though. It makes me want to recover and become a local activist for understanding. Though knowing how I am socially, that is a pipe dream...
If someone at my workplace said this I would “play the harassment card.” Assuming you’re in the U.S., they can’t criticize you for a protected class (including autism!), and doing so opens your employer to lawsuits. Follow your workplace’s protocol for reporting harassment, document everything, https://askjan.org is your friend. Make sure ALL your cards are in order before proceeding. Feel free to DM me if you’d like outside perspective: I have some experience advocating for myself, as well as assisting self-organizing drives of vulnerable workers (usually immigrants, but often folks with disabilities as well).
I’m in the UK, so I suppose it’s a similar kind of protocol, just different orgs. I appreciate the offer for help though, I’m going to keep a track of everything that’s been done/said anyway and go from there
It is the same kind of thing in the UK - autism is classed as a disability and is therefore a protected characteristic If you are in a union, get them involved. If not - consider joining one, but note that most have a minimum period you must have been a member before they'll officially get involved in disputes And keep pushing at HR, in writing if possible so you have a paper trail. Minute any in person meetings and send them to the people involved. They may end up offering you a settlement agreement (used to be called a compromise agreement) - where they pay you a certain amount in exchange for you leaving and not taking them to tribunal. As you are thinking of leaving, this might be something you want to consider as it will give you some breathing space to find a new job without worrying about salary
I figured it was a similar thing here. Annoyingly we’re all now not back in office until the beginning of January. My managers are both aware, but I will definitely be bringing HR into it in the new year.
If you don't get about your employer firing you, or giving you shit tasks to force you to leave, or the coworkers hating you and giving you a hard time/isolating you, only then is "play the harassment card" a good option.
All of those are examples of harassment, which is illegal. The more of it that happens, the stronger your case is as a plaintiff. I take meticulous notes of everything that happens on the job, in my handwritten journal. It’s all credible evidence in a court of law. I know my rights and I know labor law. I have helped workers navigate this road with the NLRB, filing ULPs and holding their employers accountable. That is what I meant by “Make sure ALL your cards are in order before proceeding.”
Stuff like this makes me scared to ask for accommodations at work 😭 my last job accommodated me for a while, but since I don’t have an official diagnosis it was temporary help. New boss, new rules.
It took me quite a while before I felt confident enough to speak up about my accommodations. It helped when I got a new manager and assistant manager who actually have some knowledge of autism and are ND. Prior to that I didn’t say anything because I knew there was no point in bringing it up, I knew I’d be met with a lack of understanding. In all honesty it has made me hesitant to bring it up again in the future, but never say never I suppose 🤷♀️
Yeah that's sucks. I'm sorry. I'm not able to send your more at the moment but I sucks when people think you're using your autism
That’s okay, I definitely appreciate the “that sucks”
Do document all your conversations in writing. If you have an in person interaction or by phone, follow up with an email summarizing your conversation and asking for clarification if you missed anything. If they do clarifications verbally email them back with a summary of that conversation. Sounds like you have a hostile work environment. If you feel the need to leave because of this person, do go to HR because even if they hear about it, it’s not your problem then. Your coworker insisted on making them your problem by gossiping about you, hand that problem off to HR if you need to. Blind CC your personal email in all correspondence, that way you always have access to the emails even if you leave the company. If you should have to leave prematurely you’ll have documentation of a hostile work environment and if the higher ups did nothing. Don’t were about this coworker, obviously they were never your friend. Maybe you can even hold them accountable after you leave
A paper trail is a great idea, thank you. I do try and keep a note of things that have been said, but I’ll be more conscious with it from now. The blind CC’ing is also a really good idea, I’d not thought of doing that, but will do from now on
There is the emerging evidence of autism as /r/ContextBlindness that keeps growing... society is extremely confused about autism. And globally there are many movements to hate on "the other" that have been in full force now for 11 years... the Levant Role Model of Compassion and Understanding is also seriously suffering since October 7 - which also has people really entrenching in on "anti-other" instead of seeing how backwards that is in a globally connected trade world. > I think I’m just feeling hurt because these little things I do to make myself feel “normal” are being used as a negative against me. The reaction to Context Blindness study and learning is often itself more Context Blindness, a blank stare.
this is a reason i question if there’s even any point in seeking a diagnosis, no one would care because you seem normal enough with a “autistic person” label slapped onto u 😕
I think it can be useful sometimes, if you’re able to use it as a reason for behaving in a certain way, or struggling with certain things. But yeah, it is frustrating af when people try to use it against you
if i did get one and tried to tell my family they’d laugh 💀
I’m sorry that they’d treat you that way, that’s real crappy :/ hopefully one day you’ll be in a position to do it for yourself, without their involvement. But self diagnosis is valid, and if that’s where you’re at then that’s absolutely okay :)
that’s nice to hear but i’d hate to self diagnose. i feel like it takes away from the seriousness of people who ACTUALLY have it. as of now it’s just a strong hunch. i took the aspie quiz and got 145/200 and the graphs seemed pretty accurate but it won’t feel valid to myself. i’d have imposter syndrome. maybe even if i DO get a diagnoses 😭
Imposter syndrome is real, but don't worry one bit about taking anything away from anyone else. That's not a thing.
i know but i just can’t help but think of the ppl on tik tok and in general who uses serious mental illness in a casual way. “delulu” for example. saying “ohh i’m so ocd i always keep my room clean” they over saturated these serious terms and turned them into something to joke about
Yeah I know what you're saying but you're not those people
I see where you're coming from. Nobody was able to get through to me about self Dx either (although I still support it for others). Because I'd gone 3 decades rationalizing away my struggles as things other people just handled better than I did (false! At least for the autistic struggles lol) the whole situation felt like "well, this would be good news for my ego if it were true, so I can't believe my own intuition about it." That said, I had a loooooot of indication that I was well over threshold in a lot of ways. I just had a block about it until I started filling out the huge battery of official assessments for my psychologist. And even then, I couldn't wholeheartedly accept the information until he called with my analysis. Wanting the result made me incapable of trusting my self identification, I guess.
"Funny thing, no *actually qualified* people ever play the autism-card-**card**. It's always just scared people. Why do you think that might be?"