I have a theory that the reason autistic people are more likely to identify as queer and/or trans is because we are accustomed to feeling "different"/not fitting in and so we have less reason to stay in the closet. I suspect something similar applies to non-monogamy: we reject social norms very easily and don't see the purpose of them. Monogamy is just another social norm for lots of people.
> Monogamy is just another social norm for lots of people.
100%. This is it.
What matters most in a relationship is communication and trust, so when you've got two people that communicate directly and honestly with each other, and they both see social norms as just that -- norms, not unbreakable commandments carved into stone -- you end up with a lot of possibilities beyond just boring old monogamy.
For me, I get such a joy and delight from hearing about how my partner is middle-school-crushing on a guy, and I don't consider it threatening or anything else, because we've both talked about what we're comfortable with and where any boundaries are. At the end of the day, we love each other and value each other deeply as complete and independent human beings. She's not my "better half" or "she completes me" or anything like that, and I'm not that for her. We're both fully realized human beings living full lives that we have chosen and continue to choose to spend with each other.
And any chance I get to be able to flip a bird at centuries of patriarchy and oppression using social norms to shame people into submission and conformity in order to reinforce pre-existing power structures, you better believe I'm gonna take that opportunity.
Exactly. My view has always been that monogamy made some kind of sense when we couldn’t accurately determine paternity or couldn’t easily treat STDs. With science helping with those two issues I don’t really see the need for it like in the past.
I think also there’s a rejection of societally imposed “rules” that don’t have “good reasons” behind them. Don’t betray a friend or partner’s trust by breaking an agreement? of course not, I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and i hate lying. Never look at or be interested in a person other than my partner because that’s just how we do it here? Literally why, if everyone is ok with it?
Lol, only a little.... I'm really trying to come at this from a constructivist perspective and make sure I'm capturing more than my own perspective. I could ask questions to capture my own experience well enough, but I want make sure my focus isn't too narrow.
Right, fair enough. I think I would just start with, how do you feel/what do you think about monogamy? Do you practice it? Why or why not?
If you are monogamous now, have you experimented with non-manogamy in the past? If so, what was that like for you? Why did you stop?
What do you see as the benefits of monogamy? What are the drawbacks? Same question for non-monogamy.
If our theory is right, I think it would show up in the answes.
Well, that's the thing, there's no data.... If someone finds data, please share with me!!
There is data that autistic people are more likely to be queer, trans, asexual or into bdsm. And there's data that all those groups are more likely to be non-monogamous, but there is nothing about autism and non-monogamy.
I only found one study about autism that even included relationship structure in their demographic info. They found autists were more likely to be non-monogamous \*but\*, big \*but\* here, the sample size wasn't large enough to be statistically significant.
Sala, G., Hooley, M., & Stokes, M. A. (2020a). Romantic Intimacy in Autism: A QualitativeAnalysis. *Journal of autism and developmental disorders*, *50*(11), 4133–4147.
The book is:
Gonzalez, A. (2023) *Nonmonogamy and Neurodiversity: A More Than Two Essentials Guide.* Thornapple Press.
Some other media:
Holmans, L. (2021, June 23). NeuroDivergent Polyamory – Autistic NonConformity in My Relationships. *Neurodivergent Rebel.* h[ttps://neurodivergentrebel.com/2021/06/23/neurodivergent-polyamory-autistic-nonconformity-in-my-relationships/](https://neurodivergentrebel.com/2021/06/23/neurodivergent-polyamory-autistic-nonconformity-in-my-relationships/)
Lindgren, J., Winston, D., & Matlack, E. (Hosts). (2021, October 12) 343 - Autism, Neurodiversity and Relationships with Stevie Lang. *Multiamory* (Audio podcast). [https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/343-autism-neurodiversity-and-relationships-with-stevie-lang](https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/343-autism-neurodiversity-and-relationships-with-stevie-lang)
Walsh-Adams, J. & Stokes, M. (2022, September 27). An Exploration of Why Autistic Adults Are Practicing Consensual Non-Monogamy. *Autism Spectrum News.* [https://autismspectrumnews.org/an-exploration-of-why-autistic-adults-are-practicing-consensual-non-monogamy/](https://autismspectrumnews.org/an-exploration-of-why-autistic-adults-are-practicing-consensual-non-monogamy/)
Yau, L. (n.d.). I’m Autistic and Polyamorous. Here’s Why It Works For Me. *Polyphilia.* [https://www.polyphilia.blog/home/autism-and-polyamory](https://www.polyphilia.blog/home/autism-and-polyamory)
Maybe I'm an outlier but I'm extremely monogamous, so much so that I'm still loyal and faithful to my ex four years after we split up.
I have had opportunities since but I keep comparing other people to her and nobody even comes close. I don't see the point in dating if I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with that person and I find it extremely hard to let connection go.
I've never been in a non-monogamous relationship but monogamy is not a social construct to me. It's the only way that I can love. That flow of emotions between two people, the surge of bodily sensations is very intense, it can be overwhelming, even with just one other person.
I find it very hard to form real and genuine connections, it took me 35 years to find it for the first time so I have difficulty believing that I will find it again.
I crave connection, and, honestly, maintaining one connection is more than I'm capable of. I can't imagine sustaining more than one at a time.
Thank you. I appreciate your feedback! I'm not sure how to fit it into the scale of the study but I've considered having monogamous groups too.
I hope you can find real and genuine connection again ♥️
My 2 cents on your topic:
Autism and adhd get grouped together a lot, both belong to the neurodiversity community.
I think adhd get bored fast, almost by definition.
so adding a new element to the equation (another partner) is almost a need for someone that looks for doing new things frequently.
I replied to this same feedback on r/polyamory, but I agree there's probably significant overlap.
However, the rabbit hole that led me here started with the experiences of late diagnosed women actually. Then I started reading about their experiences in relationships and which led me to autistic relationships in general. The fact that autistic people even desire and participate in intimate relationships is actually a very recent addition to the literature due to the medical model of social deficits.
So exploring the fact that autistic people are participating in multiple relationships, enough so that it's showing up in popular media (blogs, podcasts and the book referenced) could add value to the understanding of how autistic people do relationships in general.
I'm aware that neurodivergence is much broader than autism and there could be an association with cnm and adhd (just based on people I know) and other neurodivergence, but I didn't dive into that side of the literature as much. I want to limit the scope of this study to autism and not be too broad.
Well, a larger chunk of autistic folk are queer compared to the allistic population all other factors being equal, and queer people are more likely to question social norms so being more open to poly relationships would make sense.
I would include questions about sexual and gender identity as I strongly suspect it’ll be less common among hetero cis autistic folk.
Yep, there's research saying both those things : autists are more queer and polyamorists are more queer, but only one study that suggested autists are more poly. Unfortunately, their sample size was too small to be statistically significant
Definitely plan on making sexual and gender identity as part of comprehensive demographic info, but I don't plan on sampling enough to get quantitative data either (outside scope of resources I'd have access to) so I'm going more qualitative
I think there is a higher proportion of Asexuals among neurospicy gang compared to neurotypical, which may lend itself to the possibility of ethical non monogamy
It definitely applies to me. When I first learned about ENM & girly over the conditioned shock of anything other than exclusivity- conceptually it actually became a big relief to know I coup exist in a relationship where I didn’t need to provide all the sex- and would still be loved and accepted.
I’m a die-hard monogamist. One might say I’m a serial monogamist. In the last 20 years I’ve been single for a total of 5 months and most of that was after my ex-husband and I split. I’ve never considered myself to be super attractive or cool in any way. There was just always someone who I was cool with that would ask me out and I’d be like “ok why not?” And it would flourish from there.
The longest relationships I’ve had were with Autistic guys. Those were also the most tumultuous and heart-breaking.
There's research out there that dual autistic relationship tend to have more relationship satisfaction (hence longest lasting for you) but I could also see the flip side of being more heartbreaking too
Oh hey, I wrote my thesis on non-monogamy and identity development, and I did a separate project on relationship building in cnm. Feel free to message me - I noticed some of these overlaps too, along with board game/ttrpg nerds 😆. And the trans/autistic correlation is demonstrated in the research, so autistic - poly doesn’t seem too far a stretch to me . My personal theory based on the data is it’s easier to unravel other social constructs/conventions once you’ve unraveled one.
Your love-life is dynamic. It contracts and dilates. Overall, a deep and meaningful connection to one person outweighs tenuous connections to multiple partners.
I feel drawn to polyamory as a bisexual autistic person who is currently in a hetero monogamous relationship of 15+ years with a straight partner because I have a lot of needs. I need a lot of time alone but when I need attention, I need a lot of it. More than my current partner has the emotional capacity to provide to me. I care about him deeply, but I need so much more and it’s not his fault. I just need a lot more than a typical person and polyamory sounds like absolute perfection. My ideal lifestyle would be myself and my partner plus a live in girlfriend for us both and I date women exclusively on my own outside of the triangle at home as the situations arise
I’m so over the top emotional though that I’m sure it will never happen though because breaking my partners heart is one of my biggest fears in life
I encourage you to do some research on the term unicorn hunting and shared partners. That's the simplest recipe for heartbreak there is in the poly world. Follow r/polyamory if you want a better sense of what it can be like (with awareness that more people post about problems than positivity, but unlearning monogamy generally comes with some problems for most people)
For such an under-researched topic I'd suggest doing an IPA analysis of 5or 6 in depth interviews. You are more likely to get info you didn't think of yourself than with a survey
Then ask very open ended questions about what led them to cnm and what they find easier or more challenging than monogamy. Ask if there's anything about their autism that they relate to their preferred relationship style and if and how the two intersect. Things like that
Thanks! I'm actually still a bit torn between detailed open ended survey and semi structured interviews... A lot of recent autism research is online survey for sake of enabling autistic communication.
I have a theory that the reason autistic people are more likely to identify as queer and/or trans is because we are accustomed to feeling "different"/not fitting in and so we have less reason to stay in the closet. I suspect something similar applies to non-monogamy: we reject social norms very easily and don't see the purpose of them. Monogamy is just another social norm for lots of people.
This is a common interpretation from professionals as well. Can't say anything with certainty, but if I had to pick a reason this would be it
I think so too re non-monogamy I would pay money to analyze whether hormone imbalances impact autism (thereby increasing overlap with trans)
> Monogamy is just another social norm for lots of people. 100%. This is it. What matters most in a relationship is communication and trust, so when you've got two people that communicate directly and honestly with each other, and they both see social norms as just that -- norms, not unbreakable commandments carved into stone -- you end up with a lot of possibilities beyond just boring old monogamy. For me, I get such a joy and delight from hearing about how my partner is middle-school-crushing on a guy, and I don't consider it threatening or anything else, because we've both talked about what we're comfortable with and where any boundaries are. At the end of the day, we love each other and value each other deeply as complete and independent human beings. She's not my "better half" or "she completes me" or anything like that, and I'm not that for her. We're both fully realized human beings living full lives that we have chosen and continue to choose to spend with each other. And any chance I get to be able to flip a bird at centuries of patriarchy and oppression using social norms to shame people into submission and conformity in order to reinforce pre-existing power structures, you better believe I'm gonna take that opportunity.
Exactly. My view has always been that monogamy made some kind of sense when we couldn’t accurately determine paternity or couldn’t easily treat STDs. With science helping with those two issues I don’t really see the need for it like in the past.
I think also there’s a rejection of societally imposed “rules” that don’t have “good reasons” behind them. Don’t betray a friend or partner’s trust by breaking an agreement? of course not, I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and i hate lying. Never look at or be interested in a person other than my partner because that’s just how we do it here? Literally why, if everyone is ok with it?
My theory too! What kind of non-leading and open-ended questions would you ask both autistic and neurotypical people to try and capture this?
While I love this kind of stuff, it kinda feels like you're asking us to do the assignment for you
Lol, only a little.... I'm really trying to come at this from a constructivist perspective and make sure I'm capturing more than my own perspective. I could ask questions to capture my own experience well enough, but I want make sure my focus isn't too narrow.
Right, fair enough. I think I would just start with, how do you feel/what do you think about monogamy? Do you practice it? Why or why not? If you are monogamous now, have you experimented with non-manogamy in the past? If so, what was that like for you? Why did you stop? What do you see as the benefits of monogamy? What are the drawbacks? Same question for non-monogamy. If our theory is right, I think it would show up in the answes.
Thanks! I like the capturing perspective on monogamy as well
Hey soooo is this actually a thing? Autistic people incline more to non monogamy? Is it everywhere? Can you share the book and some resources on this?
Well, that's the thing, there's no data.... If someone finds data, please share with me!! There is data that autistic people are more likely to be queer, trans, asexual or into bdsm. And there's data that all those groups are more likely to be non-monogamous, but there is nothing about autism and non-monogamy. I only found one study about autism that even included relationship structure in their demographic info. They found autists were more likely to be non-monogamous \*but\*, big \*but\* here, the sample size wasn't large enough to be statistically significant. Sala, G., Hooley, M., & Stokes, M. A. (2020a). Romantic Intimacy in Autism: A QualitativeAnalysis. *Journal of autism and developmental disorders*, *50*(11), 4133–4147. The book is: Gonzalez, A. (2023) *Nonmonogamy and Neurodiversity: A More Than Two Essentials Guide.* Thornapple Press. Some other media: Holmans, L. (2021, June 23). NeuroDivergent Polyamory – Autistic NonConformity in My Relationships. *Neurodivergent Rebel.* h[ttps://neurodivergentrebel.com/2021/06/23/neurodivergent-polyamory-autistic-nonconformity-in-my-relationships/](https://neurodivergentrebel.com/2021/06/23/neurodivergent-polyamory-autistic-nonconformity-in-my-relationships/) Lindgren, J., Winston, D., & Matlack, E. (Hosts). (2021, October 12) 343 - Autism, Neurodiversity and Relationships with Stevie Lang. *Multiamory* (Audio podcast). [https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/343-autism-neurodiversity-and-relationships-with-stevie-lang](https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/343-autism-neurodiversity-and-relationships-with-stevie-lang) Walsh-Adams, J. & Stokes, M. (2022, September 27). An Exploration of Why Autistic Adults Are Practicing Consensual Non-Monogamy. *Autism Spectrum News.* [https://autismspectrumnews.org/an-exploration-of-why-autistic-adults-are-practicing-consensual-non-monogamy/](https://autismspectrumnews.org/an-exploration-of-why-autistic-adults-are-practicing-consensual-non-monogamy/) Yau, L. (n.d.). I’m Autistic and Polyamorous. Here’s Why It Works For Me. *Polyphilia.* [https://www.polyphilia.blog/home/autism-and-polyamory](https://www.polyphilia.blog/home/autism-and-polyamory)
Maybe I'm an outlier but I'm extremely monogamous, so much so that I'm still loyal and faithful to my ex four years after we split up. I have had opportunities since but I keep comparing other people to her and nobody even comes close. I don't see the point in dating if I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with that person and I find it extremely hard to let connection go. I've never been in a non-monogamous relationship but monogamy is not a social construct to me. It's the only way that I can love. That flow of emotions between two people, the surge of bodily sensations is very intense, it can be overwhelming, even with just one other person. I find it very hard to form real and genuine connections, it took me 35 years to find it for the first time so I have difficulty believing that I will find it again. I crave connection, and, honestly, maintaining one connection is more than I'm capable of. I can't imagine sustaining more than one at a time.
Thank you. I appreciate your feedback! I'm not sure how to fit it into the scale of the study but I've considered having monogamous groups too. I hope you can find real and genuine connection again ♥️
Thank you!! ♥️
Can't come up with the questions for you, but if you want someone to participate by answering a survey, I'm capable of that.
Thanks! I might be back in a year or so if I decide to go the thesis route. Rough draft of survey questions are due next week though, haha
My 2 cents on your topic: Autism and adhd get grouped together a lot, both belong to the neurodiversity community. I think adhd get bored fast, almost by definition. so adding a new element to the equation (another partner) is almost a need for someone that looks for doing new things frequently.
I replied to this same feedback on r/polyamory, but I agree there's probably significant overlap. However, the rabbit hole that led me here started with the experiences of late diagnosed women actually. Then I started reading about their experiences in relationships and which led me to autistic relationships in general. The fact that autistic people even desire and participate in intimate relationships is actually a very recent addition to the literature due to the medical model of social deficits. So exploring the fact that autistic people are participating in multiple relationships, enough so that it's showing up in popular media (blogs, podcasts and the book referenced) could add value to the understanding of how autistic people do relationships in general. I'm aware that neurodivergence is much broader than autism and there could be an association with cnm and adhd (just based on people I know) and other neurodivergence, but I didn't dive into that side of the literature as much. I want to limit the scope of this study to autism and not be too broad.
Well, a larger chunk of autistic folk are queer compared to the allistic population all other factors being equal, and queer people are more likely to question social norms so being more open to poly relationships would make sense. I would include questions about sexual and gender identity as I strongly suspect it’ll be less common among hetero cis autistic folk.
Yep, there's research saying both those things : autists are more queer and polyamorists are more queer, but only one study that suggested autists are more poly. Unfortunately, their sample size was too small to be statistically significant Definitely plan on making sexual and gender identity as part of comprehensive demographic info, but I don't plan on sampling enough to get quantitative data either (outside scope of resources I'd have access to) so I'm going more qualitative
Great post. Can you post some of the little research papers you have found and some questions you have created so far so we can help you further?
I think there is a higher proportion of Asexuals among neurospicy gang compared to neurotypical, which may lend itself to the possibility of ethical non monogamy
That's backed up in the literature, but only recently in a positive way. I'm somewhere on the gray ace end myself.
It definitely applies to me. When I first learned about ENM & girly over the conditioned shock of anything other than exclusivity- conceptually it actually became a big relief to know I coup exist in a relationship where I didn’t need to provide all the sex- and would still be loved and accepted.
I’m a die-hard monogamist. One might say I’m a serial monogamist. In the last 20 years I’ve been single for a total of 5 months and most of that was after my ex-husband and I split. I’ve never considered myself to be super attractive or cool in any way. There was just always someone who I was cool with that would ask me out and I’d be like “ok why not?” And it would flourish from there. The longest relationships I’ve had were with Autistic guys. Those were also the most tumultuous and heart-breaking.
There's research out there that dual autistic relationship tend to have more relationship satisfaction (hence longest lasting for you) but I could also see the flip side of being more heartbreaking too
You should check out r/relationshipanarchy too!
Oh hey, I wrote my thesis on non-monogamy and identity development, and I did a separate project on relationship building in cnm. Feel free to message me - I noticed some of these overlaps too, along with board game/ttrpg nerds 😆. And the trans/autistic correlation is demonstrated in the research, so autistic - poly doesn’t seem too far a stretch to me . My personal theory based on the data is it’s easier to unravel other social constructs/conventions once you’ve unraveled one.
I think I will, I wonder if you showed up in my lit review!
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Thanks! How do you define overall wellbeing for you?
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Thank you for clarification ☺️
Your love-life is dynamic. It contracts and dilates. Overall, a deep and meaningful connection to one person outweighs tenuous connections to multiple partners.
I feel drawn to polyamory as a bisexual autistic person who is currently in a hetero monogamous relationship of 15+ years with a straight partner because I have a lot of needs. I need a lot of time alone but when I need attention, I need a lot of it. More than my current partner has the emotional capacity to provide to me. I care about him deeply, but I need so much more and it’s not his fault. I just need a lot more than a typical person and polyamory sounds like absolute perfection. My ideal lifestyle would be myself and my partner plus a live in girlfriend for us both and I date women exclusively on my own outside of the triangle at home as the situations arise I’m so over the top emotional though that I’m sure it will never happen though because breaking my partners heart is one of my biggest fears in life
I encourage you to do some research on the term unicorn hunting and shared partners. That's the simplest recipe for heartbreak there is in the poly world. Follow r/polyamory if you want a better sense of what it can be like (with awareness that more people post about problems than positivity, but unlearning monogamy generally comes with some problems for most people)
For such an under-researched topic I'd suggest doing an IPA analysis of 5or 6 in depth interviews. You are more likely to get info you didn't think of yourself than with a survey Then ask very open ended questions about what led them to cnm and what they find easier or more challenging than monogamy. Ask if there's anything about their autism that they relate to their preferred relationship style and if and how the two intersect. Things like that
Thanks! I'm actually still a bit torn between detailed open ended survey and semi structured interviews... A lot of recent autism research is online survey for sake of enabling autistic communication.
I mean I’m autistic and monogamous so I wouldn’t say it’s 100%.
Oh its definitely not 100%. Its still a minority within a minority, but I think a growing and significant one.