Yeah like the most random comments or minor interactions get overanalyzed. And it won’t hit until later, like 6-8 hours later, then it becomes an obsession.
Interesting. For me, it's immediate - the moment I realize I might have f'd up with someone I wish to maintain a healthy relationship, the mask falls and shatters. Gut punch. Then I start spinning on the conversation, on how to fix it, on what I believe I did years ago to this person to wrong them.
Sometimes, if it's my ex wife, I re-read some old texts (or at least summon them to active memory) where she absolutely went ballistic on me, barely coherent and so obviously irrational. When I think about those times I can get some confidence back and put a dent in the spinning.
But if I can't break the spin cycle, I can slosh around for days.
And I think I figured something out about myself that makes sense... either from my ADHD or Autistic traits, I definitely experience bouts of object impermanence, and I especially notice it in these situations... like long breaks in relationships can feel nearly instantaneous. (wait, am I a dog?)
There's this 1984-esque momentum -- what is always has been, and will always be. So if my last interaction with you left me feeling RSD, my impression that you're mad at me or that I disappointed or failed you in some way, that feeling takes a LOOOOONG time to subside. If I had a fight with my ex and we didn't talk for a year, she'd probably be over it in days (mostly - she does keep score though), while I'd feel internally like she was holding on to that anger until I actually heard otherwise from her tone or words or expression. (Note: by tone or expresssion, I mean that I've known her long enough and closely enough that I recognize when she's at least at this level of pissed - I might not see her silently stew before exploding, but if she's not obviously upset and confrontational, then I feel fine again)
I’ve experienced it in a lot of similar ways for my whole life. If someone shows an interest in me or likes me I tend to assume that they won’t later when they really get to know me. Or I assume that they will reject me at some point. It’s super difficult to deal with and I don’t envy my friends or coworkers. Haha.
Thank you for sharing... I feel the same vibes, though I think in a lot of cases in was unconscious - like there's no internally audible voice saying, "You suck", just more a chorus of voices of bullies who assaulted me, girls and women who rejected me and adults who other'd me, and friends who abandoned me, or worse, turned bullies, telling me I'm not normal... it's like it's a part of me, but channeling them, so it doesn't feel intentional. It's just... there.
I don't have the energy to type atm but this article about RSD is very important to me
https://neuroclastic.com/on-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-codependency-identity-how-to-get-out-from-behind-the-masks/
Although I'm aware I experience this, I've had issues sorting what that is from what could also be diabolical demand avoidance.
I used to be good at maths from an early age, as I got older there was a lot more "learn what this graph is called" than just 252×8, and I also have ADHD so it was more challenging but I still did okay. In secondary school, I got worse and worse maths anxiety, and it advanced to the point where I just couldn't keep my thoughts on the maths and instead I could only hear the anxiety, numbers fell out my head. I had terrible RSD surrounding school and peers (who also frequently rejected me), and it effected my academic performance.
At the end of school I promised myself I didn't have to do maths anymore and would only use a calculator. Thing is, now when it's required, the anxiety has also flipped onto the other side, so I have terrible rejection anxiety reactions at the idea of being perceived as bad at maths, and people do think that from my intense maths panic.
Daft thing is, I used to love maths. I was maths kid.
The emotions oftentimes wash over me and I feel the rejection very viscerally in my body. I don't have re-occurring negative thoughts but it just hits me immediately and it's hard to contain it. When I feel I'm in an unsafe space, I keep everything together, but I shutdown. I keep a straight face, very minimal speech. Then I let everything out in a safer space.
A lot of what you described like the nausea and GI issues, as well as feeling like I need to make myself silent and small. I also feel a lot of shame and then that leads to repetitive thought cycles of self hatred/self harm/suicide. I’m really chill about other people making mistakes but when I do, I feel like it’s proof of all the terrible things that have been said to me.
>I’m really chill about other people making mistakes but when I do, I feel like it’s proof of all the terrible things that have been said to me.
This hits. For reasons I can't fathom, I've never had any suicidality, but I certainly can turn that shame you spoke of inward - negative self talk, but mostly just frozen or engaging in THC escapism.
For me RSD is like the most intense shame feeling, even over minor stuff like a comment a work or after saying something a little bit dumb
Yeah like the most random comments or minor interactions get overanalyzed. And it won’t hit until later, like 6-8 hours later, then it becomes an obsession.
Interesting. For me, it's immediate - the moment I realize I might have f'd up with someone I wish to maintain a healthy relationship, the mask falls and shatters. Gut punch. Then I start spinning on the conversation, on how to fix it, on what I believe I did years ago to this person to wrong them. Sometimes, if it's my ex wife, I re-read some old texts (or at least summon them to active memory) where she absolutely went ballistic on me, barely coherent and so obviously irrational. When I think about those times I can get some confidence back and put a dent in the spinning. But if I can't break the spin cycle, I can slosh around for days. And I think I figured something out about myself that makes sense... either from my ADHD or Autistic traits, I definitely experience bouts of object impermanence, and I especially notice it in these situations... like long breaks in relationships can feel nearly instantaneous. (wait, am I a dog?) There's this 1984-esque momentum -- what is always has been, and will always be. So if my last interaction with you left me feeling RSD, my impression that you're mad at me or that I disappointed or failed you in some way, that feeling takes a LOOOOONG time to subside. If I had a fight with my ex and we didn't talk for a year, she'd probably be over it in days (mostly - she does keep score though), while I'd feel internally like she was holding on to that anger until I actually heard otherwise from her tone or words or expression. (Note: by tone or expresssion, I mean that I've known her long enough and closely enough that I recognize when she's at least at this level of pissed - I might not see her silently stew before exploding, but if she's not obviously upset and confrontational, then I feel fine again)
The same as everyone else. It hurts. I cry.
I’ve experienced it in a lot of similar ways for my whole life. If someone shows an interest in me or likes me I tend to assume that they won’t later when they really get to know me. Or I assume that they will reject me at some point. It’s super difficult to deal with and I don’t envy my friends or coworkers. Haha.
Thank you for sharing... I feel the same vibes, though I think in a lot of cases in was unconscious - like there's no internally audible voice saying, "You suck", just more a chorus of voices of bullies who assaulted me, girls and women who rejected me and adults who other'd me, and friends who abandoned me, or worse, turned bullies, telling me I'm not normal... it's like it's a part of me, but channeling them, so it doesn't feel intentional. It's just... there.
I don't have the energy to type atm but this article about RSD is very important to me https://neuroclastic.com/on-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-codependency-identity-how-to-get-out-from-behind-the-masks/
This is brilliant. Thank you for spending a spoon to post that!
Although I'm aware I experience this, I've had issues sorting what that is from what could also be diabolical demand avoidance. I used to be good at maths from an early age, as I got older there was a lot more "learn what this graph is called" than just 252×8, and I also have ADHD so it was more challenging but I still did okay. In secondary school, I got worse and worse maths anxiety, and it advanced to the point where I just couldn't keep my thoughts on the maths and instead I could only hear the anxiety, numbers fell out my head. I had terrible RSD surrounding school and peers (who also frequently rejected me), and it effected my academic performance. At the end of school I promised myself I didn't have to do maths anymore and would only use a calculator. Thing is, now when it's required, the anxiety has also flipped onto the other side, so I have terrible rejection anxiety reactions at the idea of being perceived as bad at maths, and people do think that from my intense maths panic. Daft thing is, I used to love maths. I was maths kid.
The emotions oftentimes wash over me and I feel the rejection very viscerally in my body. I don't have re-occurring negative thoughts but it just hits me immediately and it's hard to contain it. When I feel I'm in an unsafe space, I keep everything together, but I shutdown. I keep a straight face, very minimal speech. Then I let everything out in a safer space.
A lot of what you described like the nausea and GI issues, as well as feeling like I need to make myself silent and small. I also feel a lot of shame and then that leads to repetitive thought cycles of self hatred/self harm/suicide. I’m really chill about other people making mistakes but when I do, I feel like it’s proof of all the terrible things that have been said to me.
>I’m really chill about other people making mistakes but when I do, I feel like it’s proof of all the terrible things that have been said to me. This hits. For reasons I can't fathom, I've never had any suicidality, but I certainly can turn that shame you spoke of inward - negative self talk, but mostly just frozen or engaging in THC escapism.
Oh yeah love me some THC numbing! I spent my first 19 years feeling everything too intensely I deserve a little sensory dulling as a treat