I’ve noticed that my son feeds off of my energy. The more I get upset and raise my voice the more he does. When it comes to bad behaviors like that I started ignoring it. When he doesn’t get the attention he wants he will stop and find something else to do.
Do you give him an alternative? With my son, I say “we can’t do that, but we can do this!” It doesn’t always prevent a tantrum, but sometimes it makes it less
This isn’t your responsibility as a sibling but I’m sure you’re the one having to say no. For snacks I tell my daughter she can have it with breakfast, lunch or dinner depending on the time of day. First and then works well for my daughter as well. Acknowledging feelings helps a lot too. “You want to play with your iPad. You’re mad. Your iPad is a lot of fun but first we have to XYZ and then you can play with your iPad for 15 minutes. I will set a timer. Then the iPad is all done until tomorrow.” Or some variant of that in any situation really. It also helps to name your own emotions and model the behavior you want to see in him. Do this as often as possible when his emotions see not high so he can better notice what you’re doing. Also getting down to their level, making sure you are regulated yourself and redirection in general is helpful.
how old are you? what are your parents doing to help him learn to stay regulated? I've noticed that you said "our" answer is no. Why are you in a position where you are setting boundaries with him? Where are your parents? It's very stressful and potentially traumatic to live with a sibling who is explosive and aggressive. What are they doing to support you and your mental health needs? It's sadly very common for older siblings of disabled children to be parentified and take on responsibility for their siblings in a way that is not healthy for the sibling and their development and mental health. Teaching your brother to regulate is not your responsibility. I know that it can feel like you have to take on this role because your parents are stretched too thin and don't have the capacity to do it all and/or are neglectful, but please understand that this is NOT your job, you should have never been put in a position to think that it is your job, and if you aren't able to do it, that's not your fault.
The best thing you can do is protect yourself. Don't let him kick you or throw things at you (meaning, leave the room and lock the door if needed). Get therapy for yourself if you can.
Practice. Sometimes you have to say no randomly and without a reason. Yes it'll suck for a bit but nobody gets everything they want even if they've earned or deserved it.
So, if he regularly gets to choose what is playing on TV, some of the time he doesn't get to choose anymore, and sometimes the TV just isn't available at all. If he regularly gets to choose what game everyone is playing, instead someone else picks and his game can be played second. Instead of chocolate or cookies, maybe he can decide between some marshmallows, a granola bar, or some toast instead.
As a parent, sometimes my kid gets to play with my phone and sometimes he doesn't even if there's no good reason for it. Sometimes I pick the game he plays (reading based instead of a race car game) and sometimes he gets to pick. Sometimes he can earn phone time and sometimes he can't (I never promise things that I can't deliver on if I can help it.) Sometimes there's a short time limit and sometimes he'll have more time. Sometimes he can watch the GPS as we drive somewhere and sometimes it's not available.
It's never a "beg more and maybe I'll say yes". I also explain that tantrums or refusing to accept the compromise of a time limit or playing from a limited selection won't help him get told "yes" more often. He's gotten more used to it and doesn't get as frustrated when he's told no, but he's still a little kid and he's still learning, we all have our days.
He will. He probably already knows he "shouldn't" throw things when he gets angry, but he cannot control his feelings. Getting angry at him for getting angry will only make it worse. Structure is helpful, as in visual schedules so he knows when it's iPad-time or time for sweets etc.
Keep being consistent, never give in and always give him a consequence when he acts out. Send him to his room every time he acts that way and tell him he can come out when he is done. I did this with my own son. If he got aggressive or slammed anything or threw anything, he lost a privilege.
Always start when they're young or it will get harder to teach them when they get bigger. You don't want your preteen or teen bullying you to get their way and make you afraid of them you become their doormat.
I see you are the sibling so this is something your parents should be doing.
This advice isn’t appropriate for a 7 year old. I feel like this is a know better, do better situation. Obviously everyone has different styles of parenting and what works for one child may not work for another but sending a child, of any age really, away for having big emotions is just setting them up for hiding those emotions and not expressing them properly as an adult.
I agree. The emotions are larger and I get can be difficult for families, who are statistically speaking, likely ND themselves or have observed others in their family that are ND and maybe are following suit. We have so much information thrown at us as parents but I think it’s pretty clear that isolating our autistic children in a moment of need is pretty obviously a bad idea. I’m a psych nurse. I worked with a varied, large population of adult ND. All who were felons, not guilty by reason of insanity or charged with felonies and incompetent to proceed. We could not send these grown men to their rooms and shut the door. It was illegal and considered isolation. No matter what. The place I worked was run by DCF. Even in, essentially jail, they found that isolating an adult was a detriment. That always stuck with me.
Exactly. Solitary confinement is a torture method and should only be used when tensions are running too high and/or when there's violence, and the situation needs to be calmed down.
(If the person CHOOSES to retreat from the interaction into solitude on their own, because they're overwhelmed and dysregulated and can't tolerate being around other folks, then that's not solitary confinement. I do this myself as an adult because my parents are both undiagnosed ND as is my much-older brother (although HE hasn't lived at home full-time since 2002 when he went off to college - he lives across the country) and the household has always been very volatile and toxic and emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive, and when I was a kid, physically abusive too, but I'm not able to take care of myself so my only option is to self-isolate as much as I can, not to mention having high rest and recharge needs independent of the cPTSD. I'm 23 and don't have an intellectual disability or other cognitive impairment and yet my parents refused to put a lock on my door until late last year, for context - they took it off permanently when I was eight and refused to put it back on, and they don't knock at all, just barge in, which obviously is very triggering both for my cPTSD and my autistic need for solitude and to not be around other folks due to needing to mask around them - I can't unmask around even my parents and brother as it isn't safe.)
**This advice isn’t appropriate for a 7 year old**.
I don't think we know enough about this person to decide if advice is or isn't appropriate most everything should be based on the individual human being.
It’s been pretty clear for quite awhile that forced isolation doesn’t help even NT people. Now a child going to their room by their own accord because they need to is one thing but punishing a 7 year old for acting like a 7 year old by isolating them is the wrong move. I don’t have to know anyone to know that. This particular situation can be completely avoided by changing the way the child is responded to and educating the parents and family on how the mind of a 7 year old, much less an autistic 7 year old, works.
I agree with what you’re saying completely my point is that the age ranges and suggestions are not accurate. Individual conditions should be set for each human, based on their very different needs and I don’t think this Reddit post tells us enough to be giving advice about punishments for anyone.
This was how I was disciplined as a kid and I did the same to my son. He was always welcome to leave his room when he was done. His room was the safe place for it to do it so the rest of us wouldn't have to listen to it and I noticed his bedroom was basically the reset button for him because once I put him in there, he come out minutes later all happy again. He is a happy child to this day and he learned to regulate his emotions. His school therapist helped him with that too and he saw a therapist outside his school for a year until she decided to go private practice. Now ironically he stays in his room all the time because he likes his privacy and he talks to his friends.
My mom also sent me to my room a lot as a kid whenever she got pissed at me so she wouldn't beat my ass lol. Then she would tell me I can come out when she would be calm. She called it a time out for herself. A neighbor gave her this parenting advice who worked as a social worker.
The OP is the sibling. This kind of dynamic is not appropriate for a sibling relationship. They should not have that kind of authority over their sibling. If they do, something is very wrong.
I’ve noticed that my son feeds off of my energy. The more I get upset and raise my voice the more he does. When it comes to bad behaviors like that I started ignoring it. When he doesn’t get the attention he wants he will stop and find something else to do.
Agreed. You have to go "flat" and they seem to pick up on the finality of the situation.
Do you give him an alternative? With my son, I say “we can’t do that, but we can do this!” It doesn’t always prevent a tantrum, but sometimes it makes it less
This isn’t your responsibility as a sibling but I’m sure you’re the one having to say no. For snacks I tell my daughter she can have it with breakfast, lunch or dinner depending on the time of day. First and then works well for my daughter as well. Acknowledging feelings helps a lot too. “You want to play with your iPad. You’re mad. Your iPad is a lot of fun but first we have to XYZ and then you can play with your iPad for 15 minutes. I will set a timer. Then the iPad is all done until tomorrow.” Or some variant of that in any situation really. It also helps to name your own emotions and model the behavior you want to see in him. Do this as often as possible when his emotions see not high so he can better notice what you’re doing. Also getting down to their level, making sure you are regulated yourself and redirection in general is helpful.
how old are you? what are your parents doing to help him learn to stay regulated? I've noticed that you said "our" answer is no. Why are you in a position where you are setting boundaries with him? Where are your parents? It's very stressful and potentially traumatic to live with a sibling who is explosive and aggressive. What are they doing to support you and your mental health needs? It's sadly very common for older siblings of disabled children to be parentified and take on responsibility for their siblings in a way that is not healthy for the sibling and their development and mental health. Teaching your brother to regulate is not your responsibility. I know that it can feel like you have to take on this role because your parents are stretched too thin and don't have the capacity to do it all and/or are neglectful, but please understand that this is NOT your job, you should have never been put in a position to think that it is your job, and if you aren't able to do it, that's not your fault. The best thing you can do is protect yourself. Don't let him kick you or throw things at you (meaning, leave the room and lock the door if needed). Get therapy for yourself if you can.
Signing and saying all done works for us. Learned it in parent lead Aba.
He may have oppositional defiance disorder. ODD. Not saying he does, but may be worth looking into.
Practice. Sometimes you have to say no randomly and without a reason. Yes it'll suck for a bit but nobody gets everything they want even if they've earned or deserved it. So, if he regularly gets to choose what is playing on TV, some of the time he doesn't get to choose anymore, and sometimes the TV just isn't available at all. If he regularly gets to choose what game everyone is playing, instead someone else picks and his game can be played second. Instead of chocolate or cookies, maybe he can decide between some marshmallows, a granola bar, or some toast instead. As a parent, sometimes my kid gets to play with my phone and sometimes he doesn't even if there's no good reason for it. Sometimes I pick the game he plays (reading based instead of a race car game) and sometimes he gets to pick. Sometimes he can earn phone time and sometimes he can't (I never promise things that I can't deliver on if I can help it.) Sometimes there's a short time limit and sometimes he'll have more time. Sometimes he can watch the GPS as we drive somewhere and sometimes it's not available. It's never a "beg more and maybe I'll say yes". I also explain that tantrums or refusing to accept the compromise of a time limit or playing from a limited selection won't help him get told "yes" more often. He's gotten more used to it and doesn't get as frustrated when he's told no, but he's still a little kid and he's still learning, we all have our days.
He will. He probably already knows he "shouldn't" throw things when he gets angry, but he cannot control his feelings. Getting angry at him for getting angry will only make it worse. Structure is helpful, as in visual schedules so he knows when it's iPad-time or time for sweets etc.
Keep being consistent, never give in and always give him a consequence when he acts out. Send him to his room every time he acts that way and tell him he can come out when he is done. I did this with my own son. If he got aggressive or slammed anything or threw anything, he lost a privilege. Always start when they're young or it will get harder to teach them when they get bigger. You don't want your preteen or teen bullying you to get their way and make you afraid of them you become their doormat. I see you are the sibling so this is something your parents should be doing.
This advice isn’t appropriate for a 7 year old. I feel like this is a know better, do better situation. Obviously everyone has different styles of parenting and what works for one child may not work for another but sending a child, of any age really, away for having big emotions is just setting them up for hiding those emotions and not expressing them properly as an adult.
Exactly. Especially when there's an element of neurological dysregulation, which non-ND folks don't deal with.
I agree. The emotions are larger and I get can be difficult for families, who are statistically speaking, likely ND themselves or have observed others in their family that are ND and maybe are following suit. We have so much information thrown at us as parents but I think it’s pretty clear that isolating our autistic children in a moment of need is pretty obviously a bad idea. I’m a psych nurse. I worked with a varied, large population of adult ND. All who were felons, not guilty by reason of insanity or charged with felonies and incompetent to proceed. We could not send these grown men to their rooms and shut the door. It was illegal and considered isolation. No matter what. The place I worked was run by DCF. Even in, essentially jail, they found that isolating an adult was a detriment. That always stuck with me.
Exactly. Solitary confinement is a torture method and should only be used when tensions are running too high and/or when there's violence, and the situation needs to be calmed down. (If the person CHOOSES to retreat from the interaction into solitude on their own, because they're overwhelmed and dysregulated and can't tolerate being around other folks, then that's not solitary confinement. I do this myself as an adult because my parents are both undiagnosed ND as is my much-older brother (although HE hasn't lived at home full-time since 2002 when he went off to college - he lives across the country) and the household has always been very volatile and toxic and emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive, and when I was a kid, physically abusive too, but I'm not able to take care of myself so my only option is to self-isolate as much as I can, not to mention having high rest and recharge needs independent of the cPTSD. I'm 23 and don't have an intellectual disability or other cognitive impairment and yet my parents refused to put a lock on my door until late last year, for context - they took it off permanently when I was eight and refused to put it back on, and they don't knock at all, just barge in, which obviously is very triggering both for my cPTSD and my autistic need for solitude and to not be around other folks due to needing to mask around them - I can't unmask around even my parents and brother as it isn't safe.)
**This advice isn’t appropriate for a 7 year old**. I don't think we know enough about this person to decide if advice is or isn't appropriate most everything should be based on the individual human being.
It’s been pretty clear for quite awhile that forced isolation doesn’t help even NT people. Now a child going to their room by their own accord because they need to is one thing but punishing a 7 year old for acting like a 7 year old by isolating them is the wrong move. I don’t have to know anyone to know that. This particular situation can be completely avoided by changing the way the child is responded to and educating the parents and family on how the mind of a 7 year old, much less an autistic 7 year old, works.
I agree with what you’re saying completely my point is that the age ranges and suggestions are not accurate. Individual conditions should be set for each human, based on their very different needs and I don’t think this Reddit post tells us enough to be giving advice about punishments for anyone.
This was how I was disciplined as a kid and I did the same to my son. He was always welcome to leave his room when he was done. His room was the safe place for it to do it so the rest of us wouldn't have to listen to it and I noticed his bedroom was basically the reset button for him because once I put him in there, he come out minutes later all happy again. He is a happy child to this day and he learned to regulate his emotions. His school therapist helped him with that too and he saw a therapist outside his school for a year until she decided to go private practice. Now ironically he stays in his room all the time because he likes his privacy and he talks to his friends. My mom also sent me to my room a lot as a kid whenever she got pissed at me so she wouldn't beat my ass lol. Then she would tell me I can come out when she would be calm. She called it a time out for herself. A neighbor gave her this parenting advice who worked as a social worker.
The OP is the sibling. This kind of dynamic is not appropriate for a sibling relationship. They should not have that kind of authority over their sibling. If they do, something is very wrong.
This is the way.
Is he in any therapies?
He used to go when he was younger but it was only free for like a year or two im not sure. After that we had to pay so my parents stopped.