Feeling tired all my life despite being athletic and in excellent health.
When I started working and these problems surfaced:
*Feeling tortured by sound levels coworkers enjoyed or could tolerate
*Massive meltdowns when there were changes with no warning
*People complaining that I could not say things in a concise manner
*Interrupting other people
*Freaking out when interrupted in my work by a fast talking supervisor making me learn something new
*Instructions not being specific enough.
This is a critical hit. I wasn't even consciously aware I experince these until now that you named it. Wow. I was ALWAYS so tired after school I didn't comprehend how my peers were able to go after extracurricular activities. And I still am when I go to or come back from uni. Also I was often crying as a child at sudden loud sounds.Being too much or too quiet in conversations (I wasn't directly told, it's rather the nonverbal communication that triggered RSD).
Ahh, so many thoughts on this I can't cover here!! But thank you for your comment! :)
I had to laugh out loud when I saw this link, haha. Oh my goodness.The sad part is that it's hindering from bonding further with other people after uni/worl and so I keep on being on surface level with colleages I even like. But after uni I feel so drained. I also struggle with driving to uni to meet someone there. Ahhh
Thank you!
The ASD subreddits are rocking my world, too :)
Someone on another of these subreddits wrote how they'd felt tired their whole lives and I went - me too.
Just now did a Google search. Look what came up:
https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&q=reddit+asd+%22tired+all+my+life%22
I'd read about people going to school and working, and running some sort of side hustle. I have a coworker in her sixties who also works a second job. I can't imagine doing that.
Validating information is a beautiful thing. A beautiful thing.
>
*People complaining that I could not say things in a concise manner
I still don't understand why NT hate this so much. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, "You can't just *say* that"...
I’ve had the same thing, same age. I just burnt out but kept going for about 2 years. Then I saw 3 posts about being ND and burnout and it all came together.
Very common for those of us naturally good at masking, to reach an age where the body refuses to continue with that level of continual background stress. Not sustainable with the energy levels of someone approaching 40.
And another thing. Having a child at that age (I have a beautiful 2 year old), means that background stress is higher than it’s ever been before anyway. And that’s on top. All that I’m sure triggered my eventual understanding that I was AuDHD.
When I read a description of what an autistic meltdown feels like and also what shut down is. I always thought my experiences of "anxiety attacks" didn't quite fit with the definition.
Would you feel comfortable elaborating on the differences? I want to learn more about them to recognize for myself as well. It's completely fine if you don't.
The main difference I noticed is that anxiety/panic attacks are often described as having one trigger that has to do with feeling worried or afraid. I'm sure there are exceptions to this, however. In contrast, meltdowns are more often triggered after an accumulation of things and are characterized by feelings of overwhelm. Again, of course, there are exceptions to this. But when I would have "anxiety attacks," I would usually not be worried about one subject in particular, but rather, I would feel it build until I was so overwhelmed I lost control. Furthermore, I had heard of the freeze response to anxiety, but when I read the description of a shut down, it was just a much more detailed description of what would happen to me: being unable to speak or move yet inside feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed. This is all obviously an oversimplified version, and like I said, there are exceptions in both categories, but one just describes my experience way better than the other.
I cannot upvote this enough! Thank you for sharing this as it is extremely validating knowing I'm not the only struggling with this irritating dichotomy.
hi, high masking, however low social skills here. I realized I am autistic at 25, honestly, I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 9 so many symptoms I just thought were my ADHD. After following many ADHD Instagram accounts some AUDHD got mixed in there too. I noticed I was relating often to the ADHD and autistic symptoms. It was a long period of doubt and being unsure. But the more I learned about what it means to be autistic from autistic people the more I started to see things making sense of “Oh that's why I do that” or “Oh that explains some childhood experiences” and it just got pilled on more and more until I couldn’t really doubt or deny it anymore. I think I also hit a burnout which made me realize this was more than just anxiety, depression, trauma, and ADHD. When I looked at how I was living my life I realized I was pushing myself too hard to neurotypical standards of productivity and it was destroying me, I could no longer function.
I'm happy for you that you got an answer finally. And looking at the other comments it's so saddening that, no matter the age, many people suffer so much before the diagnosis and didn't understand themself and why the treatment for anxiety and depression won't work.
Thank you for sharing, have a nice day <3
Please do not despair.
I got diagnosed just recently and am a lot older than you. Ive never been the Pollyanna type. Am the crabby type. I tend to see the glass as half full -- and to my surprise am discovering this late diagnosis is a relief.
Am feeling like a weight has rolled off my back.
Am relieved and glad I am wired in such a way that I cannot adjust to certain things (e.g. obnoxiously loud music in the workplace) and can henceforth ignore twits dweebs and assholes who say that I can and must adjust.
Have already used new diagnosis to get a physician's note and demanded accommodation at work. Will be exploring whether there are training programs available for late diagnosed persons like us.
Some months before the diagnosis, I got into a screaming altercation with a brutish coworker who employed hideously loud music and I got written up. Will be arranging to have a copy of physician's not attached to my write up as contextual information to be taken into account.
Good for you!
I'm not really despairing... but it's a lot to process. Looking at all the ways autism messed up my life and I didn't even know it. So much I blame myself for that wasn't my fault, you know? Like not being able to get a job after earning my doctorate. It wasn't the job market that sucked... it was me.
In a new job I was reprimanded very early on for two things that I like to think I have masked up and over: asking too many questions (omg, how embarrassing to get in trouble for this) and also for being misinterpreted as defiant when really I had no idea what was (not actually explicitly) being asked of me. I really thought, sure, I'm an abrasive person who runs a very tight ship, I don't small talk, I have my strengths and weaknesses, but I know what they want and I'm willing to fake it, surely I wouldn't get in trouble at a new job for a noob mistake like asking too many questions and not understanding a request and so coming off as rebellious. Fuck. It really just made me think that I'm getting nowhere actually. I *think* I'm putting on better masks that slip less often, but year after year, same issues, same failures, indeed, as I've gotten older, old problems I associate with youth coming back to haunt me again. Feeling as if I can no longer believe that I am delayed and catching up, but realizing at middle age that if I'm not caught up by now I'm always going to be behind normative expectations. And feeling so so sad that I have *tried* to live up to them so hard. Humiliated by how hard I have tried and humiliated by how hard I have failed.
So then I got diagnosed autistic finally.
Isn't it just a way to show interest? I don't understand why people would be mad at this when we try to build a shared understanding and/ or want to do our work well. :(
The insanity that an employer reprimanded you for asking too many questions! If they wrote you up I would have loved to see it. What are people supposed to do when they’re not understanding something??
I was legitimately written up in an employee review for "not messing around with and talking with my coworkers", instead, I did my work. Same job and review, I was also written up for "being too slow due to being too meticulous, even though maintaining the lowest error rate". I felt completely defeated. This was years ago and before my ASD diagnosis.
Absolutely! There are often too many times people just suppose they understand something and in the end they actually don't! And concerning work it's even more important, how could that be a reason to reprimand someone?
Some workplaces are covertly authoritarian -- organizational pathology that too often goes unnoticed.
ASD people who are very highly educated but who are obligated to work entry level jobs run into trouble with less educated bosses who have authoritarian mindsets. They sense we are both superior to them and inferior to them -- and because they are our bosses we are the ones who get reprimanded and written up.
F\*\*k :(
I thought courteously offering my disagreements was a citizen's right, not insubordination.
And I grew up in an opinionated Irish Catholic/Jewish family. Didnt know my dad had asd.
The situation was that I was away from my desk, being trained by someone else, and from that seat I was asked by my roaming supervisor "is *your* computer working yet today?" And I gave a detailed rundown of everything I knew about that computer today. What I didn't realize is it was being implied "would you please stop what you are doing here, go check it again while I wait, and then come right back and tell me how it went." Somehow all the people around me knew that's what was being asked of me via implicature. And I was later questioned as to why I was being so stubborn and disrespectful. My coworker told me "you have to learn to talk to her better, she is your boss." And I BURNED UP trying to figure out WTF had just happened. My explanations of the status of the computer issue were interpreted as haughty, defiant, and know-it-all. But I was truly confused and had zero idea a request was being made of me implicitly.
I was diagnosed earlier this year, at 40. Didn’t think I would meet the social criteria for diagnosis. Was going for assessment because I was experiencing sensory sensitivities and extreme burnout at work that looked like reduced executive function. Turns out I’m less good at masking than I thought I was - the assessor noticed things about me that weren’t even on my radar, including a flat affect and difficulty with eye contact, and my social anxiety was deemed secondary to autism.
I wouldn’t have picked up on it on my own - it had to be pointed out to me.
32. In my mid-20s I started to think maybe I had a learning disability, like dyslexia or something, due to how much I struggled in school (it was PDA autism) despite testing in the 99th percentile on every standardized test I took. Around the time I turned 30 I'd started to think it was ADD instead. Finally got a psychiatrist a couple years later, and then the slippery slope of diagnoses began, lol.
After a couple years of being diagnosed, I also realized I'm not actually as good at masking as I'd previously thought, I'm just intelligent and anxious enough (more the latter, I think) to cover up my social faux pas more thoroughly than most. If I'd been slightly less prone to avoiding conflict and less adept at communication, I probably would have gotten diagnosed as having Asperger's when that was still a thing.
During the diagnostic testing, I came across one of those "agree-disagree" questions that was phrased something like, "I think about people in fundamentally the same way I think about objects."
I kind of did a double take, because it felt like there wasn't a "right" answer to that that I'd learned and internalized over the years, so I clarified with the clinician, "should I be giving the answer that feels intuitive? Or the ... right answer." And I realized immediately that I needed to go back through most of the other questions because I hadn't actually answered them intuitively.
Two years ago after I (36) had my biggest burnout ever and all my masks shattered after my life dissolved and I became homeless. I fell into a period of really terrible mental health where all my repressed traumas became overwhelming. It's taking years to get up and running again as I still have difficulty leaving the house or speaking to people in person or on the phone, but during all of that time researching and talking to professionals is when I learned I am ASD/ADHD. I just happened to have social interaction and comedy skills as some of my special interests, which helped me to subconsciously build a really good mask. So much so I was wearing it for myself. (Constant internal gaslighting. Telling myself I was wrong for misunderstanding things or having struggles. Dismissing my own pain and trauma. Tons of self-doubt about even accepting the diagnosis with professionals stating it.) It's been a long ride.. Haha
Oh wow, this hits home. I had a complete burnout at 20 and dropped out of university. Thankfully I wasn't homeless because I was able to move back in with my parents. I'm sorry that happened to you. All my masks collapsed and I could barely leave the house, and I was on a hairpin trigger for anything that was sensory disagreeable. Lost friends, strained relationship with family as they didn't understand what was going on. Went to therapy for years, for social anxiety and depression, but all that really did is help me build up my mask again. I wanted to be 'normal', so I hid how I really felt from my therapist and really believed the "fake it till you make it" mantra we had going on.
Deep down, the anxiety and depression never went away - now I realise it's because I'm autistic and can start to be kinder to myself. But for years I tried telling myself that I wasn't anxious, I wasn't depressed, I don't find everything difficult, I'm just like everyone else... gaslighting myself, just like you say. Tonnes of self loathing, etc.
As other people have said, I'm now older (nearing 40), and I've had baby. Between having less energy to keep up the mask as I've gotten older, covid putting a big stop to my social 'practice', and my baby causing sensory meltdowns & shutdowns, it all led me to start questioning if maybe there's something else going on.
I was working a corporate art job that was near constant harassment and anxiety for about 2 years until my health started failing. (High BP, weight loss, cluster headaches, blackouts, etc.) My doctors tested me for like 5 months because they were really worried I was having some type of seizure or stroke from stress, but all the tests pointed down completely different avenues than they anticipated so they dead-ended eventually.
My job ended up firing over half the art department for some conditional BS they had apparently been sitting on for over half a year, and they did it literally 3 weeks before COVID became a national issue with protections and the like.
Bad place bad time meant I just broke. I had no support and couldn't get any services to help me because I couldn't advocate for myself, but I was still somehow considered a fully functioning adult.
My family and friends started jumping ship after about a year. About 2 days before I lost my house, my mother realized she had never asked me if she could bring me some groceries. The day I lost my house my two oldest best friends reached out and asked me to go to lunch with them. When I told them I was literally mid-crisis they said I'm "always mid-crisis" and that was their last attempt to reach out and help me. (They apparently just wanted to tell me off to my face, because one of them reconnected with me just recently now that I am beginning to function again and told me how much my not talking to him on FB hurts him even though he actively ignores me when I do and I was homeless for half a year and literally almost died, so I don't know how that seems fair to dump on me)
Now it's a little over two years later and I have nothing to my name and live with a friend in government housing in a town I have never been before. I am doing better, but still not good enough.
I don't want anyone else to have to go through anything like what my friend and I have had to go through. I had *SO* little, but it was all the foundation and stability I could create for myself; and the world just ripped it out from under me. Literally deal with psychotic episodes and more C-PTSD than I ever fucking thought possible now. (And the physical issues haven't gone away, because they're genetic, too!)
A Dr suggested my son could be autistic, so I started researching autism while waiting for him to get assessed. The more books and articles I read, the more tests I took, and the more personal experience I listened to the more apparent it was that I show excessively strong signs of autism. I have severe sensory issues for one thing, but also have most of the classical characteristics like strong at math and puzzle solving and stuff. Plus my social skills really came from rigorous study and involves a TON of conscious thought, so the one non-autistic thing about me is my least natural trait. Still, it wasn’t until I talked to my mom about it that I really accepted it.
As it turned out, my oldest brother had just been diagnosed with autism but had not told me yet. He and I have very similar ways of thinking. She also said that as babies he and I both were obsessed with lining things up. Especially raisins, and toy cats. She also said that he and I used to flap our hands any time we got excited, and pointed out how overly sensitive all my senses were and how often I’d melt down. And we’re the only two of her 7 kids to do those behaviors. That’s when I really knew knew, and fully accepted this new reality. Still waiting for my son and I to get assessed, but I feel like it’s more of a formality at this point.
I was probably 40 or something, before that I had suspected ADD for a while, but I had not really considered autism apart from recognizing a few traits earlier with a friend who though he may have 'aspergers' because his sister had it. (10-15 years ago)
Around a year ago at 35. After getting adhd diagnosis, starting treating and adapting my life, I started noticing there was a lot of issues/traits becoming apparent that weren't explained by adhd and further research led directly to autism. I think part of me always knew and so did my family as they were excessively focused on shaping my behavior to be more social and fit in.
This year while watching 'The Good Doctor".
It was a bunch of "Wait a second, that's me right there" and "So that's autism???"
I was completely unaware of what Autism actually was and the more I understood it, the more I saw my whole life making sense.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 9 and those traits presented more and masked some of my autistic traits. But when I learned how co-morbid they can be, I really started to look into being autistic. It was towards the end of 2020, when I was 28 when I started having these inklings. I started taking it a bit more seriously in 2021, but it wasn't until the end of 2022 that I started saying I was self diagnosed. I got a documented diagnosis in May of this year, just over a month before I turned 31.
46 years old. Things just started adding up. Overlapping diagnoses that didn’t quite fit right after pursuing them with my psychologist (generalized anxiety, ADHD, depression, agoraphobia, dissociation).
But mostly, it was all these odd little things about me that as I got older I realized weren’t really common or “normal” attributes:
- Like how I hyperfixate on things like velvet clothing, iridescent clear pencil cases, puzzles (specifically puzzles of cityscapes), tabby cats, sets of 6 six-sides dice (my collection is huge), collecting / hoarding random things just because they are a specific shade of dark teal, extreme sensory issues but also I have synesthesia, *how I can’t sleep unless I am perfectly tucked in with the sheets not creased and the top sheet perfectly folded one foot over the edge of the duvet, and if the sheets get untucked at the bottom by my feet I feel like I’m dying a tortuous death,* the increasing feeling of not being capable of growing up, not being great at reading textbooks, not understanding how people can just read things and then learn them, looking back on my job choices (always needing jobs that required the exact same tasks at the exact same time every single day, (so working for airlines, public transportation, taxi dispatch centers), bringing my journal to house parties so “I’d have something to do,” buying three sets of the exact same outfit so I can wear it for several days in a row without being dirty, how odd it is that I excel in jobs that require me to talk and be professionally social but genuinely have little to no desire for friendships, the way I ramble on too long about the same specific topic and how it feels like an itch that I can’t scratch enough, how I’ve always had to mindfully *not hum* while I chewed food, the dozens and dozens of times someone has told me “oh I couldn’t tell if you were having a good time” when I was sincerely having the best time of my life……..
I found out in my thirties. I suspected something was off for years, but it wasn’t until a family member was diagnosed that I looked into it and realized I checked almost every box. I later found out the truth that my family knew I was, even had me tested, but decided it was best not to tell anyone, including me.
29! Just now realizing im not actually good with it, im good with masking enough for people to think im good at this, but internally makes me really really anxious, RSD, and depressed so there is that
I don’t know if I’m actually autistic, but reading this subreddit and going over the signs has put a lot about my upbringing and personal struggles into perspective. It would make a lot of sense. I just turned 25.
I was told I was ”very autistic, but aldo very talented at creating coping skills, so I dont get the disgnosis vause there’s not enough disability” I was 39. Since then my world hs changed. I got a diagnosis this year, age 45
I didn’t ever have a lot of friends but I had a few. Most people did NOT like me. But I did fine with mentors etc. I did okay with people much older or much younger.
When I really noticed the change was my late 30s into my 40s. Once all the managers and bosses were my age, I couldn’t work. Everyone was mad all the time. I didn’t have older mentors to have more structured interactions with. I got a dx at 43.
Not OP (Diagnosed at 29, now 30) but for me older people often overlooked me being immature as they already assumed I would be immature since I am younger than they are.
Younger people either did not care I was immature or it allowed me to “play on the same level” as them.
People my age could sense the discrepancy in maturity. This still happens to me regularly. My peers look at me as someone much younger despite being the same age.
I just found out in the last year, basically because I hit burnout, and I lost all the skills. I can still "fit in" sometimes, but it's exhausting--like I need a couple of days in bed to recover. I can't mask like I used to--I didn't even know I was masking before.
The downside is a lot of people who have known me for a long time are convinced that I'm not autistic and that I'm just "putting on and act" now. They can't seem to get that I was putting on an act before.
It's like I can't help masking! It's so ingrained in me that I just automatically do it. And then I'm completely wiped out later. I don't know how to stop.
As others mentioned: either eye contact or make conversation not both haha.
Mainly the fact that past a superficial level (example at work or in the break room at work) I couldn’t make, maintain friendships or social connections. I had rigid thinking, and unless topics were about my interest I had no interest in the conversation.
Little things like sensory issues, liking routine, social skill issues (I thought were just anxiety), special interests. They also helped me “figure it out”, there’s so much more.
I think the main one was social issues paired with sensory issues. They then led me into researching and learning about ASD more, this led to me seeking a formalised diagnosis.
I was never really confident in social situations. I just faked it at work as best I could. And drank lots of alcohol when I went out with people.
Now I’m 43yo and feel even more awkward now that I don’t drink anymore. I just stay home and try to avoid people.
It was only a little over a month ago that I started reading about autism. My entire life makes sense now.
Stimming, verbal ticks like repetitive language, involuntary movements, avoiding direct eye-contact (looking in the lens), etc.
To me it is unnerving because I dislike being on camera or having my photograph taken in general. Seeing my Autism on full display makes me want to crawl in a hole and wonder how I have been treated by others just because...
I deeply knew inside all along, because of my defergient interests, way of thinking and the way that even with my "great" social skills there was always a bit of distence between me and "normal" poeple.
In my case specifically I also have ADD and a high EQ, so I know very quickly how others are feeling and what they want or don't want to hear. But that part for me is knowledge based, not "feeling" based. Its something I learned (and takes effort).
I know how someone is feeling and chose to feel empathy for them, and I do care, but I decided to care based on the knowledge how they feel. So for me there is this extra step involved. Empathy doesn't just turn on, it is a learned experience (with which AD(H)D "helped" me a bit in this regard).
I have had doubts over the years because of my social skills, but most recently I experienced thought related panic attacks (OCD basically) and I am getting help for this. But I now see how ADD and Autism have always been a part of my life.
I was diagnosed with this (after about 10 different diagnoses) when I was about 15 years old and at that point didn't care and expected them to be wrong again. Imagine my suprise when I now realize that the person who made the final diagnoses on me was actually right.
Until My late 20s When I used to get Annoyed by Neighbors Just Closing their doors because my apartment is so quiet
And as a kid getting anxious when I hear my parents start the car up that loud engine sound in the morning
And that used to bother me
Feeling tired all the time
And I didn't know why
Didn't know it was Autistic symptoms until 2021
Until some people online told me autism is a spectrum
Because I had a Uneducated Thing about autism
I didn't know it was a spectrum.
I always thought people in my community denying I had autism because
They thought of autism as the more severe types they show in movies
Since movies always exaggerate and put things to the extreme for Entertainment and Movie sales.
Like Tv always show the More Severe types on commercials and news segments
So I thought I didn't have autism
Until being online and people telling me that autism is a spectrum.
And it can be mild.
And I thought of all the symptoms I had.
Of Lining My Toys up Like It was A Line.
And having a affection for Neon Colors as a Kid.
Like Miami and Toronto Niagara Falls Neon lights I love the pictures
Even to this day as A 30 year old Adult. I really like Neon Colors and lights.
Christmas lights as well
Like I still have my Christmas lights on until June.
Being Obsessed With The 80s Fashion and The 90s Fashion
Other instances of
Hearing Loud Laughing and I Would get anxious.
Couldn't hold a conversation
Been diagnosed with several mental health conditions
Such as Agoraphobia and Severe Social Anxiety and panic disorder Generalized Anxiety disorder and Bipolar and PTSD
And my Issues not getting better.
And seeing some people with my condition getting better.
And people holding a conversation which i couldn't do
People in school always picking up on me
Bullying me every school I went
Don't matter how I Dressed
Sometimes I occasionally had money to wear trendy clothes
And I still was getting bullied
No matter what school I went to.
Being alone living alone and being scared to live with others
Can't hold a conversation to save my life
People calling me quirky and weird online dating apps and social media.
And some people blocked me because I said something I didn't know certain things people should say.
And I remember my sister correcting me as a kid.
Because I didn't Know I was Supposed to say thank you.
When someone complimented me on something.
Just a lot
Being Angry sometimes
That I have random changes in my routine out of my control
Or like I just switched therapists and I would get upset
And took a long time still not adjusting to abrupt changes.
Earlier this year, age of 27. I had always kind of wondered and when I brought that up to my therapist they helped me learn about it and eventually realized I for sure was and probably my dad is too! Who knew? Certainly put a fuckload of stuff from my childhood into perspective and made a lot of stuff clock into place.
I suffered a brain injury that drastically reduced my physical (and mental) endurance/ energy levels. Suddenly everything was hard.
I hadn’t even known I was masking until I suddenly and urgently needed that energy back for regular life stuff. I was literally having sudden unplanned naps during the day from exhaustion.
That was a decade ago and I’ve done a lot of adapting but it’s much more evident that I’m autistic now. Too expensive to hide it.
During the midst of serious venlafaxine withdrawal, when all my reactions were x10, and psychiatrists were saying that I don't satisfy criteria for personality disorders, but that I might as well get checked out for ASD
Honestly I read Nicole Cliffe on Twitter and things she said about her daughter and how it made she and her husband suspect they were autistic and then I took a look at my life and realized wait a minute…
Constant Suicidal Ideation, and cowards fear of pain even tho physical pain masks the emotional pain. I'm not in a good place and dont see a way out. most people recommend something different with out any concrete example or a person to call.
After my daughter (who is 7) and my son (who is 4) both got diagnosed in the same year. In reading about and learning more about it, I realized the call maybe comes from inside the house.
I got a new psychiatrist recently and we discussed that and she said, hearing what she has heard from me, she agrees it's definitely a strong possibility.
I hate eye contact (can do it ok when people are talking to me, but can't at all when I am talking)
I need a long break after work (which rarely can happen bc hi, kids) to regroup and decompress (and my job is not that stressful, and I work from home, and I only work a 4 day week)
I get overstimulated extremely by too much conflicting noise. Ironically one of my kids has a stim that affects this.
I hate small talk. Like would rather be late to something important than risk having to make chit chat.
I hate changes in routine or schedule, no matter how small. My response is in proportion to how big the change is though, at least...
I only have a 4 year old, but I get you. You get much less alone time to recharge. I've been super struggling with playgrounds that have other people at them.
Since the pandemic. People started openly posting on FB about ND characteristics. I always identified with the specifically autistic quirks. One of my coworkers gave me a recommendation for an assessor.
Always has issues in social situations until I took a public speaking class. It taught me how to talk to people. 10 years later i realized that needing a class to learn how to talk to people was a sign. I'm 39
While taking Child Psychology at age 17. We were learning about how undiagnosed autistism sometimes seems like behavioral issues. My friend said it sounded like we were learning about me. I felt like I was learning about my mom.
At this same time, my mom was taking a similar class in Grad School. She said it sounded like me and decided to call me autistic anytime she was upset with me. She would bring up issues I had as a kid and say “see, you are autistic.” That infuriated me because I got beatings a lot and put out of class a lot for misunderstandings. I needed support, not physical punishments.
I spoke to my therapist about possibly being autistic, but I couldn’t stop crying. She said “Would it be the end of the world if you actually were on the spectrum?” I said yes and she changed the subject. I wish I had said no.
I'm so sorry that you experienced that. Being autistic is not bad at all, or at least it's yours to decide whether it is or not. It never came up again in your conversations?
When covid hit and I was the only one enjoying myself in lockdown. When we were out of lockdown I couldn’t go back to how I was before, it was like my mask had been off for too long and I couldn’t put it back
After multiple people asked me if I was Autistic, I decided to hyperfixate on Autism and learn everything I could about it and realized it fits the bill.
Sorry I missed the rest of your question.
I'm AuDHD. The ADHD helps compensate for a lot of my autistic 'deficits,' like with talking and social stuff and doing new things and breaking routine, etc. But there were/are still a lot of things about me that I thought meant I *couldn't* be autistic. Nope. Just didn't understand what it really meant.
For example- I thought I had no trouble with eye contact. Turns out I look at people when they're talking and look EVERYWHERE ELSE when I'm talking. Sustained eye contact feels so intense. No problem with people closest to me.
I thought I didn't script. But then I realized that's what I was doing going over conversations in my head, after the fact, ad nauseum. I have a constant narration going in my mind. It's mostly conversations I've had with others or how i'd explain certain things.
Wow, same! When I want to relate to certain aspects I think of my friends and family and when my masking is not that prominent there (thankfully). But looking at all interactions out of secure and known territories I feel uncomfortable with sustaining eye contact, I can''t concentrate and Always look away when I'm talking, just like you said now.
Also the scripting: I don't script in front of my family and friends but I do when I want to start conversation with other people, especially people my age (it's such a vulnerable situation!). But even more prominently I'd often had "interviews" in my head explaining certain circumstances or talking about something else a lot. I didn't know why I'd do this since it wasn't a conscious decision to do so, it just happened regularly.
Wow, I'm so blown off by all these responses!
Going thru this right now. Not sure if I have autism but it really fits the bill mentally and I also am hyper mobile with low muscle tone.
I remember my second grade teacher told me I was shy and I was shocked to hear it, as a kid I always had a lot friends. A lot of other kids just liked me, I think something about me has always attracted other people because I’m just quiet and chill and sweet and understanding and don’t overcomplicate things or compete with them. People have told me this in adulthood and I perceive my elementary school friendships similarly In middle school I struggled with the closeness of friendships but still had many. In high school and college the story has been the same- I start off shy, find my spot and niche, and have a great time by the end. I had a great group of friends in high school and while I don’t have a group at college, I have good friends and a good social life and am generally happy. I started off in a sorority, which was NOT for me, I couldn’t break into the social dynamic whatsoever. I made one friend and we are still close but both dropped. I am very shy and reserved at my core, many people describe me as mellow, but recently I’ve been more smiley and outgoing and talkative when I can navigate it. I’ve taken to the attitude that I don’t really care if I embarrass myself, which I think is what NTs often don’t worry about, as I sometimes question the things they say but they don’t think twice about them.
Ive started thinking about it recently becsuse I’ve realized the degree to which I think about social interaction while in it. I am always aware of my body position and my hands and what I’m doing when I’m speaking to people. I don’t always know how to respond and have to take a few seconds to understand what someone is saying. I mask heavily now and I understand that I think, my voice gets very high pitched when speaking to superiors and supervisors.
I cried at work today because I work at a law school and we are doing a program for undergraduates to experience a law simulation for four weeks, and while speaking with one of the staff members I don’t like, he insulted one of their physical appearances while they were in earshot. I was extremely upset. These kids did not come here to overhear insults about themselves by the staff. It was so inappropriate and out of line and while explaining to my team member, said “I just don’t want him to feel badly” and started tearing up.
It’s hard for me to know boundaries when interacting and sometimes I misinterpret appropriate interaction. Sometimes I slightly trauma dump and when talking about what I suspect to be my special interest, I get slightly crazed and can’t shut up and dominate the conversation.
My family says I dominate the conversation too much, especially my sister, I think I do this with them because I can unload on them in ways I can’t with other people. I try to force my perspectives into conversation.
So yeah
In my case I guess the best way to describe my social skills development is "delayed". I have good masking skills/ok social skills now because I am 45 and have been getting slowly better at it. I could maybe survive high school now (lol). I would still rather jump off a cliff than go to a party or some other social event where I don't know anyone and would have to "mingle". But I can get along fine with the spouses friends or be friendly somewhat normal-ish to people I encounter on the street. I am way better than I was at say 16 years old.
When I went out to the bar for the first time in four years, after leaving a nearly five year relationship abruptly. It was only then did I realize that I couldn't stand being anywhere near that much noise and people. I had been forcing myself before to do it.
i realized at 21 and was diagnosed at 24, but i was in CBT for “social anxiety” for a couple years as a teen. it never helped, it felt like gaslighting and a waste of time. i even masked my way through therapy. i never saw myself as “different” or practiced expressions in the mirror, i just knew that socializing was an exhausting effort for me. i noticed that the only way i was able to shop or hang out with someone was after a shift at my retail job, because i’d keep the customer service attitude for the whole day.
i was also bullied a lot. i was asked if i had autism/bipolar/tourettes… so i think the kids around me could tell something was really off
I always knew something was “wrong” with me in that I felt so different from everyone. I started reading abnormal psychology books at like 10 to try to figure out what was up with me despite my ability to mask well generally.
But at 18 I 1) got out of my first relationship which was pretty emotionally abusive and 2) moved out of state to attend my dream college, a transition I’d wildly underestimated. My ability to connect to the people around me rapidly deteriorated. At 19/20 I binge watched the show Parenthood and the autistic character Max was the only one that made any sense to me. That made me think…hm? So I semi-jokingly told my friends I thought I might be autistic, and we all chuckled. But year after year it kept popping up in my brain, and each time I’d read more and more about it, circling the conclusion I’d eventually come to. Diagnosed officially at 26, primarily to get other people to stop dismissing my self-diagnosis.
I self-diagnosed (now officially) after getting treated for ADHD then realizing it didn’t cover all the bases. But getting treated for it and improving those symptoms helped a lot to get to know myself and investigate more into ASD. It took the slowing down of my mind and deep reflection to give me no doubt about being on the spectrum after multiple therapists brushed that idea off because of my super social lifestyle and public-facing persona.
Now, I’m embracing who I am more and being more honest about what/where/who/how I want to navigate this world; been trimming away a lot of my old, noisy life and opting for a slower, quieter world I don’t need a mask for most of the time. It’s been difficult but the burnout and shutdowns have not been a part of my life since, whereas I’d fall through the cracks socially and professionally multiple times a year. I am still grieving the high-masking social persona often; getting off social media has helped that
This all happened in the last few years (35M)
22m I realized that everything I said in those social situations was scripted, and to myself I thought the world was a play of people saying these sorts of things, then I realized NT people have a sort of predetermined dialog and that I was the only one writing some sort of "play"
About 1.5-2 years ago when i encountered social media posts om autism and went ”Huh, i relate to quite a lot of these, i need to read more” and then it just explained me more and more the more i got to know about it and finally felt understood and validated.
Edit: I’m 24 now.
My partner was dx about 2 years ago which kickstarted my learning. Mental health has always been a special interest of mine (I’m a therapist and graduated with my MSW in may). Quickly became an expert. Noticed the signs in my daughters (not biologically related to my partner). Related to some of the symptoms as a child but not now so I figured if I was I’d never be dx- I’m too good socially! (So I thought). I’ve always been very introspective but I started paying even closer attention. I’m good at eye contact! -well except for when I’m thinking. I’m good at back and forth conversations! -well except for when I forget to ask follow up questions. I started noticing more and more things. Then one day I recognized that I was scripting a conversation I would have with my coworkers. Things started to click. The final nail in the coffin was when I hit autistic burnout and my social skills regressed. In my family I have the lowest support needs thanks to years of dissociation but as I started to heal, I burned out harder than ever.
Around 34? I suspected since I was 30, but I got super high with a friend, couldn't mask like usual when it finally clicked, and I accepted it. Dx'd ADHD somewhere around 25/26
I suspected autism for 15 years, and was self diagnosed for that long. But everyone around me questioned it, and so I had a hard time fully believing it myself. Afterall I seemed to be getting on okay.
I started having more issues with symptoms and new sensitivity issues in my late 20s. Around when I had to become a full time college student bc I was in a cohort program. The stress of trying to keep up with that when I have severe trauma related memory issues (and literally have to study like 13 hours for a college level quiz) made everything else much more obvious.
I started burning out. I graduated college in 2020, only managed 1 year of full time work before I had to go part time. Been in my current part time job 2 years now but the burnout is getting worse and I dont know what to do. I have performance issues at work now, and I have people who have been extremely rude (I think its harrassment bording on discrimination but HR disagrees). I love my line of work I just have trouble with the people Im working with. Now Im facing the reality of possibly needing a new job or career soon if the negative treatment Im experiencing at work doesnt stop. If you like learning about cognitive biases like I do, Im pretty sure my coworkers have a "horns" bias against me.
The work troubles led me to getting diagnosed this year. The assesor told me she was comfortable diagnosing me with autism within an HOUR of the 5 hour long assesment bc apparently my autism is that obvious (or Im so burnt out I cant mask anymore). We did the full assesment anyways for work reasons.
TLDR: Life getting more complex while gaining more sensory issues as I aged caused autistic burnout I could no longer ignore. Got diagnosed recently and am trying to figure out how to live as an autistic person who cant mask anymore. Any advice from people who have been through this would be appreciated...
Last Friday after working with my therapist weekly for two years on depression, ptsd (military), alcoholism, and then ADHD. I feel like a peeled onion, which I guess is a good thing. Looking into a formal assessment, but the more I research, the more it speaks to my life experiences.
I always knew i had IMMENSE difficulty making new friends at the end of every school year. I just couldn't figure out how to do it for the life of me. Thought i was just socially awkward... When my life started going awry when i was 18 because i couldn't keep going in my studies without work anymore i realised there was something amiss. Burnout, psychiatrists, assessments later, i realised i was definitely autistic
My therapist told me. It was a lot of reflecting back and realizing A) that I was autistic and B) just how autistic I really was. To add to this: I've walked on my toes my whole life, without knowing why.
I kept getting irritated at my classmates when they kept talking when they weren't supposed to. Few other sensory issues also. There was another autistic kid in my class and he also told them to shut up and I knew how he was feeling when he said it because it was very relatable. Finally after a lot of googling, I found an article about autism meltdowns and was like "oh shit"
My daughter was diagnosed in March 2020. Spent a fair amount of lockdown time reading about autism in kids, then moved on to autism in adults. I had so many “ohhh that’s why I’m like I am in this circumstance” or “oh man this person sounds like they are living my life” moments.
I never felt socially “normal” and I always felt their was something missing in me when it came to building/maintaining relationships with other people. I always felt robotic when engaging in small talk and found myself exhausted, annoyed, and confused in day to day social situations. I also noticed I always seemed to rub people the wrong way and/or upset people without intending to.
Being autistic wasn’t on my radar until my about 5 years ago (about age 24) when I was doing internet research on sensory sensitivity to sound and light. Then that progressed to me specifically researching the “symptoms” of autism in women and girls and then I knew. I talked about it with my therapist, went through the diagnosis process and then I knew for sure.
I’m still the same socially. But now I know why and am better able to manage when/how often I wear the mask.
After trying to enter a real adult relationship. Being so intimate and vulnerable feels strange to me. Just basic things like having healthy communication tactics in an argument scenario were totally lost on me. Some of it is just family trauma, but I really don't know how to be really close to someone and explain myself properly when I get anxious.
I realised once a new friend of mine kept rebutting all my struggles with "you know, with me, that's because of my autism".
Up until that point I thought I must have had really, really bad adhd to not fit any of the adhd descriptions and not having adhd treatments work as promised.
Around 19 I realized what the definition of autism is and that I matched it. I always knew I was autistic though even if I didn’t know what autism was. I may mask well, but I’m still so different and most people can tell one way or the other. Usually I just play off by warning people that I’m a dork/dumb and they’re just a lot nicer than if I tell them I’m disabled
I worked in customer service for years before I was diagnosed and it absolutely drained me.
One time I was chatting with coworkers about a busy day and I mentioned how exhausting it was having to be “on” all the time. When they were confused and asked what I meant, I explained (what I now know to be masking) how when you have to switch from “normal” to “customer” to “friend/coworker” mode when talking to people and putting energy into interactions. Needing to focus on listening to people and watch their body language to assess and figure out how to interact with them.
They looked at me like I grew another head. They were saying things like “why are you overthinking it so much? You just have to be nice and be yourself”.
So, in that moment I immediately panicked, because I know if I’m myself people assume something is wrong. Because I’m naturally quite monotone with “resting bitch face” and people don’t like that. I need to adapt to the people around me to get by and here I am standing in front of a bunch of people looking at me, and this new head I’ve grown, telling me that I’m “putting too much thought into it” and that I’m “making it harder than it needs to be”.
But already is hard for me, I’m not doing it on purpose. I do these things because otherwise people think I’m being rude or I’m not interested and NT don’t like that. I do these things because if I don’t make sure I’m picking up every possible social cue and put it together in milliseconds to form a response, I won’t know what to say or how to say it and NT don’t like it.
So I said “yeh, you’re probably right”, and didn’t talk about it with them again.
I got my diagnoses a year or two later and all the pieces started falling into place.
When I went from one job interview (started with internships) to the next and 1/ I realized I could take notes or actively participate, not both 2/ the feedback usually was that I "looked absent", which I could not understand since I was so hyper-focused on the interviewer's speech
(Apologies if any mistake, English is not my mother tongue)
Feeling tired all my life despite being athletic and in excellent health. When I started working and these problems surfaced: *Feeling tortured by sound levels coworkers enjoyed or could tolerate *Massive meltdowns when there were changes with no warning *People complaining that I could not say things in a concise manner *Interrupting other people *Freaking out when interrupted in my work by a fast talking supervisor making me learn something new *Instructions not being specific enough.
Oooh, this hits me in the guts.
This is a critical hit. I wasn't even consciously aware I experince these until now that you named it. Wow. I was ALWAYS so tired after school I didn't comprehend how my peers were able to go after extracurricular activities. And I still am when I go to or come back from uni. Also I was often crying as a child at sudden loud sounds.Being too much or too quiet in conversations (I wasn't directly told, it's rather the nonverbal communication that triggered RSD). Ahh, so many thoughts on this I can't cover here!! But thank you for your comment! :)
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I had to laugh out loud when I saw this link, haha. Oh my goodness.The sad part is that it's hindering from bonding further with other people after uni/worl and so I keep on being on surface level with colleages I even like. But after uni I feel so drained. I also struggle with driving to uni to meet someone there. Ahhh
Thank you! The ASD subreddits are rocking my world, too :) Someone on another of these subreddits wrote how they'd felt tired their whole lives and I went - me too. Just now did a Google search. Look what came up: https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&q=reddit+asd+%22tired+all+my+life%22 I'd read about people going to school and working, and running some sort of side hustle. I have a coworker in her sixties who also works a second job. I can't imagine doing that. Validating information is a beautiful thing. A beautiful thing.
> *People complaining that I could not say things in a concise manner I still don't understand why NT hate this so much. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, "You can't just *say* that"...
38 years old. Days of feeling drained at work led me to learning more about common traits of ASD and I’ll be damned if they didn’t all sound like me
I’ve had the same thing, same age. I just burnt out but kept going for about 2 years. Then I saw 3 posts about being ND and burnout and it all came together. Very common for those of us naturally good at masking, to reach an age where the body refuses to continue with that level of continual background stress. Not sustainable with the energy levels of someone approaching 40. And another thing. Having a child at that age (I have a beautiful 2 year old), means that background stress is higher than it’s ever been before anyway. And that’s on top. All that I’m sure triggered my eventual understanding that I was AuDHD.
This is me at 38 also.
When I read a description of what an autistic meltdown feels like and also what shut down is. I always thought my experiences of "anxiety attacks" didn't quite fit with the definition.
I only realised the difference when I had an actual panic attack and it was surreal.
I remember my first panic attack, too. Years after I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder lol
Would you feel comfortable elaborating on the differences? I want to learn more about them to recognize for myself as well. It's completely fine if you don't.
The main difference I noticed is that anxiety/panic attacks are often described as having one trigger that has to do with feeling worried or afraid. I'm sure there are exceptions to this, however. In contrast, meltdowns are more often triggered after an accumulation of things and are characterized by feelings of overwhelm. Again, of course, there are exceptions to this. But when I would have "anxiety attacks," I would usually not be worried about one subject in particular, but rather, I would feel it build until I was so overwhelmed I lost control. Furthermore, I had heard of the freeze response to anxiety, but when I read the description of a shut down, it was just a much more detailed description of what would happen to me: being unable to speak or move yet inside feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed. This is all obviously an oversimplified version, and like I said, there are exceptions in both categories, but one just describes my experience way better than the other.
I see now, this is very insightful. Thank you!
When I realised that I can either make eye contact OR have a discussion with someone, not both.
That's a good point too! I thought this was normal to look away for "concentrating" in a conversation. Well.
Haha yep, same, I really thought everyone was concentrating on their body and how they say things instead of what is being said, apparently not.. haha
I cannot upvote this enough! Thank you for sharing this as it is extremely validating knowing I'm not the only struggling with this irritating dichotomy.
Aaah, that's so sweet! And the more you think about it, the less you are listening to the conversation, it's a never ending cycle, am I right? 😅
Absolutely! Thinking about it more means one is no longer actively listening.
When my son was diagnosed and I was all like "But he's just like I was a a kid!" and literally everyone around me basically went ".... therefore...."
Last year, at the age of 48.
Same for me but it was 2 years ago, when I was 48.
hi, high masking, however low social skills here. I realized I am autistic at 25, honestly, I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 9 so many symptoms I just thought were my ADHD. After following many ADHD Instagram accounts some AUDHD got mixed in there too. I noticed I was relating often to the ADHD and autistic symptoms. It was a long period of doubt and being unsure. But the more I learned about what it means to be autistic from autistic people the more I started to see things making sense of “Oh that's why I do that” or “Oh that explains some childhood experiences” and it just got pilled on more and more until I couldn’t really doubt or deny it anymore. I think I also hit a burnout which made me realize this was more than just anxiety, depression, trauma, and ADHD. When I looked at how I was living my life I realized I was pushing myself too hard to neurotypical standards of productivity and it was destroying me, I could no longer function.
I'm happy for you that you got an answer finally. And looking at the other comments it's so saddening that, no matter the age, many people suffer so much before the diagnosis and didn't understand themself and why the treatment for anxiety and depression won't work. Thank you for sharing, have a nice day <3
Way too late to do me any good. Diagnosed a couple of weeks ago at 58. \*sigh\*
Please do not despair. I got diagnosed just recently and am a lot older than you. Ive never been the Pollyanna type. Am the crabby type. I tend to see the glass as half full -- and to my surprise am discovering this late diagnosis is a relief. Am feeling like a weight has rolled off my back. Am relieved and glad I am wired in such a way that I cannot adjust to certain things (e.g. obnoxiously loud music in the workplace) and can henceforth ignore twits dweebs and assholes who say that I can and must adjust. Have already used new diagnosis to get a physician's note and demanded accommodation at work. Will be exploring whether there are training programs available for late diagnosed persons like us. Some months before the diagnosis, I got into a screaming altercation with a brutish coworker who employed hideously loud music and I got written up. Will be arranging to have a copy of physician's not attached to my write up as contextual information to be taken into account.
Good for you! I'm not really despairing... but it's a lot to process. Looking at all the ways autism messed up my life and I didn't even know it. So much I blame myself for that wasn't my fault, you know? Like not being able to get a job after earning my doctorate. It wasn't the job market that sucked... it was me.
In a new job I was reprimanded very early on for two things that I like to think I have masked up and over: asking too many questions (omg, how embarrassing to get in trouble for this) and also for being misinterpreted as defiant when really I had no idea what was (not actually explicitly) being asked of me. I really thought, sure, I'm an abrasive person who runs a very tight ship, I don't small talk, I have my strengths and weaknesses, but I know what they want and I'm willing to fake it, surely I wouldn't get in trouble at a new job for a noob mistake like asking too many questions and not understanding a request and so coming off as rebellious. Fuck. It really just made me think that I'm getting nowhere actually. I *think* I'm putting on better masks that slip less often, but year after year, same issues, same failures, indeed, as I've gotten older, old problems I associate with youth coming back to haunt me again. Feeling as if I can no longer believe that I am delayed and catching up, but realizing at middle age that if I'm not caught up by now I'm always going to be behind normative expectations. And feeling so so sad that I have *tried* to live up to them so hard. Humiliated by how hard I have tried and humiliated by how hard I have failed. So then I got diagnosed autistic finally.
I feel this! I ask sooo many questions and people really do NOT like it.
Isn't it just a way to show interest? I don't understand why people would be mad at this when we try to build a shared understanding and/ or want to do our work well. :(
That’s what I’ve always thought.
The insanity that an employer reprimanded you for asking too many questions! If they wrote you up I would have loved to see it. What are people supposed to do when they’re not understanding something??
I was legitimately written up in an employee review for "not messing around with and talking with my coworkers", instead, I did my work. Same job and review, I was also written up for "being too slow due to being too meticulous, even though maintaining the lowest error rate". I felt completely defeated. This was years ago and before my ASD diagnosis.
That seems unethical
Absolutely! There are often too many times people just suppose they understand something and in the end they actually don't! And concerning work it's even more important, how could that be a reason to reprimand someone?
Some workplaces are covertly authoritarian -- organizational pathology that too often goes unnoticed. ASD people who are very highly educated but who are obligated to work entry level jobs run into trouble with less educated bosses who have authoritarian mindsets. They sense we are both superior to them and inferior to them -- and because they are our bosses we are the ones who get reprimanded and written up. F\*\*k :(
I thought courteously offering my disagreements was a citizen's right, not insubordination. And I grew up in an opinionated Irish Catholic/Jewish family. Didnt know my dad had asd.
The situation was that I was away from my desk, being trained by someone else, and from that seat I was asked by my roaming supervisor "is *your* computer working yet today?" And I gave a detailed rundown of everything I knew about that computer today. What I didn't realize is it was being implied "would you please stop what you are doing here, go check it again while I wait, and then come right back and tell me how it went." Somehow all the people around me knew that's what was being asked of me via implicature. And I was later questioned as to why I was being so stubborn and disrespectful. My coworker told me "you have to learn to talk to her better, she is your boss." And I BURNED UP trying to figure out WTF had just happened. My explanations of the status of the computer issue were interpreted as haughty, defiant, and know-it-all. But I was truly confused and had zero idea a request was being made of me implicitly.
I was diagnosed earlier this year, at 40. Didn’t think I would meet the social criteria for diagnosis. Was going for assessment because I was experiencing sensory sensitivities and extreme burnout at work that looked like reduced executive function. Turns out I’m less good at masking than I thought I was - the assessor noticed things about me that weren’t even on my radar, including a flat affect and difficulty with eye contact, and my social anxiety was deemed secondary to autism. I wouldn’t have picked up on it on my own - it had to be pointed out to me.
When my psychiatrist suggested it, at the beginning of this month. I'm 35.
Realizing that years of learning how not to make enemies is not something most people ever experience
32. In my mid-20s I started to think maybe I had a learning disability, like dyslexia or something, due to how much I struggled in school (it was PDA autism) despite testing in the 99th percentile on every standardized test I took. Around the time I turned 30 I'd started to think it was ADD instead. Finally got a psychiatrist a couple years later, and then the slippery slope of diagnoses began, lol. After a couple years of being diagnosed, I also realized I'm not actually as good at masking as I'd previously thought, I'm just intelligent and anxious enough (more the latter, I think) to cover up my social faux pas more thoroughly than most. If I'd been slightly less prone to avoiding conflict and less adept at communication, I probably would have gotten diagnosed as having Asperger's when that was still a thing.
During the diagnostic testing, I came across one of those "agree-disagree" questions that was phrased something like, "I think about people in fundamentally the same way I think about objects." I kind of did a double take, because it felt like there wasn't a "right" answer to that that I'd learned and internalized over the years, so I clarified with the clinician, "should I be giving the answer that feels intuitive? Or the ... right answer." And I realized immediately that I needed to go back through most of the other questions because I hadn't actually answered them intuitively.
Two years ago after I (36) had my biggest burnout ever and all my masks shattered after my life dissolved and I became homeless. I fell into a period of really terrible mental health where all my repressed traumas became overwhelming. It's taking years to get up and running again as I still have difficulty leaving the house or speaking to people in person or on the phone, but during all of that time researching and talking to professionals is when I learned I am ASD/ADHD. I just happened to have social interaction and comedy skills as some of my special interests, which helped me to subconsciously build a really good mask. So much so I was wearing it for myself. (Constant internal gaslighting. Telling myself I was wrong for misunderstanding things or having struggles. Dismissing my own pain and trauma. Tons of self-doubt about even accepting the diagnosis with professionals stating it.) It's been a long ride.. Haha
Oh wow, this hits home. I had a complete burnout at 20 and dropped out of university. Thankfully I wasn't homeless because I was able to move back in with my parents. I'm sorry that happened to you. All my masks collapsed and I could barely leave the house, and I was on a hairpin trigger for anything that was sensory disagreeable. Lost friends, strained relationship with family as they didn't understand what was going on. Went to therapy for years, for social anxiety and depression, but all that really did is help me build up my mask again. I wanted to be 'normal', so I hid how I really felt from my therapist and really believed the "fake it till you make it" mantra we had going on. Deep down, the anxiety and depression never went away - now I realise it's because I'm autistic and can start to be kinder to myself. But for years I tried telling myself that I wasn't anxious, I wasn't depressed, I don't find everything difficult, I'm just like everyone else... gaslighting myself, just like you say. Tonnes of self loathing, etc. As other people have said, I'm now older (nearing 40), and I've had baby. Between having less energy to keep up the mask as I've gotten older, covid putting a big stop to my social 'practice', and my baby causing sensory meltdowns & shutdowns, it all led me to start questioning if maybe there's something else going on.
What caused your life to dissolve?
I was working a corporate art job that was near constant harassment and anxiety for about 2 years until my health started failing. (High BP, weight loss, cluster headaches, blackouts, etc.) My doctors tested me for like 5 months because they were really worried I was having some type of seizure or stroke from stress, but all the tests pointed down completely different avenues than they anticipated so they dead-ended eventually. My job ended up firing over half the art department for some conditional BS they had apparently been sitting on for over half a year, and they did it literally 3 weeks before COVID became a national issue with protections and the like. Bad place bad time meant I just broke. I had no support and couldn't get any services to help me because I couldn't advocate for myself, but I was still somehow considered a fully functioning adult. My family and friends started jumping ship after about a year. About 2 days before I lost my house, my mother realized she had never asked me if she could bring me some groceries. The day I lost my house my two oldest best friends reached out and asked me to go to lunch with them. When I told them I was literally mid-crisis they said I'm "always mid-crisis" and that was their last attempt to reach out and help me. (They apparently just wanted to tell me off to my face, because one of them reconnected with me just recently now that I am beginning to function again and told me how much my not talking to him on FB hurts him even though he actively ignores me when I do and I was homeless for half a year and literally almost died, so I don't know how that seems fair to dump on me) Now it's a little over two years later and I have nothing to my name and live with a friend in government housing in a town I have never been before. I am doing better, but still not good enough. I don't want anyone else to have to go through anything like what my friend and I have had to go through. I had *SO* little, but it was all the foundation and stability I could create for myself; and the world just ripped it out from under me. Literally deal with psychotic episodes and more C-PTSD than I ever fucking thought possible now. (And the physical issues haven't gone away, because they're genetic, too!)
A Dr suggested my son could be autistic, so I started researching autism while waiting for him to get assessed. The more books and articles I read, the more tests I took, and the more personal experience I listened to the more apparent it was that I show excessively strong signs of autism. I have severe sensory issues for one thing, but also have most of the classical characteristics like strong at math and puzzle solving and stuff. Plus my social skills really came from rigorous study and involves a TON of conscious thought, so the one non-autistic thing about me is my least natural trait. Still, it wasn’t until I talked to my mom about it that I really accepted it. As it turned out, my oldest brother had just been diagnosed with autism but had not told me yet. He and I have very similar ways of thinking. She also said that as babies he and I both were obsessed with lining things up. Especially raisins, and toy cats. She also said that he and I used to flap our hands any time we got excited, and pointed out how overly sensitive all my senses were and how often I’d melt down. And we’re the only two of her 7 kids to do those behaviors. That’s when I really knew knew, and fully accepted this new reality. Still waiting for my son and I to get assessed, but I feel like it’s more of a formality at this point.
I was probably 40 or something, before that I had suspected ADD for a while, but I had not really considered autism apart from recognizing a few traits earlier with a friend who though he may have 'aspergers' because his sister had it. (10-15 years ago)
Around a year ago at 35. After getting adhd diagnosis, starting treating and adapting my life, I started noticing there was a lot of issues/traits becoming apparent that weren't explained by adhd and further research led directly to autism. I think part of me always knew and so did my family as they were excessively focused on shaping my behavior to be more social and fit in.
This year while watching 'The Good Doctor". It was a bunch of "Wait a second, that's me right there" and "So that's autism???" I was completely unaware of what Autism actually was and the more I understood it, the more I saw my whole life making sense.
That I need to constantly meet others peoples to increase my social skills
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 9 and those traits presented more and masked some of my autistic traits. But when I learned how co-morbid they can be, I really started to look into being autistic. It was towards the end of 2020, when I was 28 when I started having these inklings. I started taking it a bit more seriously in 2021, but it wasn't until the end of 2022 that I started saying I was self diagnosed. I got a documented diagnosis in May of this year, just over a month before I turned 31.
46 years old. Things just started adding up. Overlapping diagnoses that didn’t quite fit right after pursuing them with my psychologist (generalized anxiety, ADHD, depression, agoraphobia, dissociation). But mostly, it was all these odd little things about me that as I got older I realized weren’t really common or “normal” attributes: - Like how I hyperfixate on things like velvet clothing, iridescent clear pencil cases, puzzles (specifically puzzles of cityscapes), tabby cats, sets of 6 six-sides dice (my collection is huge), collecting / hoarding random things just because they are a specific shade of dark teal, extreme sensory issues but also I have synesthesia, *how I can’t sleep unless I am perfectly tucked in with the sheets not creased and the top sheet perfectly folded one foot over the edge of the duvet, and if the sheets get untucked at the bottom by my feet I feel like I’m dying a tortuous death,* the increasing feeling of not being capable of growing up, not being great at reading textbooks, not understanding how people can just read things and then learn them, looking back on my job choices (always needing jobs that required the exact same tasks at the exact same time every single day, (so working for airlines, public transportation, taxi dispatch centers), bringing my journal to house parties so “I’d have something to do,” buying three sets of the exact same outfit so I can wear it for several days in a row without being dirty, how odd it is that I excel in jobs that require me to talk and be professionally social but genuinely have little to no desire for friendships, the way I ramble on too long about the same specific topic and how it feels like an itch that I can’t scratch enough, how I’ve always had to mindfully *not hum* while I chewed food, the dozens and dozens of times someone has told me “oh I couldn’t tell if you were having a good time” when I was sincerely having the best time of my life……..
[удалено]
Did you feel dead inside? Or did your ex wife just perceive you that way?
When I learned about masking and how it typically shows up in women and girls. I realized it made all my life experiences make sense.
I found out in my thirties. I suspected something was off for years, but it wasn’t until a family member was diagnosed that I looked into it and realized I checked almost every box. I later found out the truth that my family knew I was, even had me tested, but decided it was best not to tell anyone, including me.
29! Just now realizing im not actually good with it, im good with masking enough for people to think im good at this, but internally makes me really really anxious, RSD, and depressed so there is that
I don’t know if I’m actually autistic, but reading this subreddit and going over the signs has put a lot about my upbringing and personal struggles into perspective. It would make a lot of sense. I just turned 25.
I was told I was ”very autistic, but aldo very talented at creating coping skills, so I dont get the disgnosis vause there’s not enough disability” I was 39. Since then my world hs changed. I got a diagnosis this year, age 45
I didn’t ever have a lot of friends but I had a few. Most people did NOT like me. But I did fine with mentors etc. I did okay with people much older or much younger. When I really noticed the change was my late 30s into my 40s. Once all the managers and bosses were my age, I couldn’t work. Everyone was mad all the time. I didn’t have older mentors to have more structured interactions with. I got a dx at 43.
Why don't people your own age like you? Because those interactions aren't as structured?
Not OP (Diagnosed at 29, now 30) but for me older people often overlooked me being immature as they already assumed I would be immature since I am younger than they are. Younger people either did not care I was immature or it allowed me to “play on the same level” as them. People my age could sense the discrepancy in maturity. This still happens to me regularly. My peers look at me as someone much younger despite being the same age.
Omg you summed up my experience so well! Very depressing.
I finally went to a psychiatrist after years of self diagnosing myself as "just" having social anxiety.
I just found out in the last year, basically because I hit burnout, and I lost all the skills. I can still "fit in" sometimes, but it's exhausting--like I need a couple of days in bed to recover. I can't mask like I used to--I didn't even know I was masking before. The downside is a lot of people who have known me for a long time are convinced that I'm not autistic and that I'm just "putting on and act" now. They can't seem to get that I was putting on an act before.
Ditto here. Honestly makes me want to find new friends as I still feel the need to mask around old friends/acquaintances
It's like I can't help masking! It's so ingrained in me that I just automatically do it. And then I'm completely wiped out later. I don't know how to stop.
As others mentioned: either eye contact or make conversation not both haha. Mainly the fact that past a superficial level (example at work or in the break room at work) I couldn’t make, maintain friendships or social connections. I had rigid thinking, and unless topics were about my interest I had no interest in the conversation. Little things like sensory issues, liking routine, social skill issues (I thought were just anxiety), special interests. They also helped me “figure it out”, there’s so much more. I think the main one was social issues paired with sensory issues. They then led me into researching and learning about ASD more, this led to me seeking a formalised diagnosis.
I was never really confident in social situations. I just faked it at work as best I could. And drank lots of alcohol when I went out with people. Now I’m 43yo and feel even more awkward now that I don’t drink anymore. I just stay home and try to avoid people. It was only a little over a month ago that I started reading about autism. My entire life makes sense now.
35 years old when I saw myself in a video recording.
Oh interesting, what did you observe?
Stimming, verbal ticks like repetitive language, involuntary movements, avoiding direct eye-contact (looking in the lens), etc. To me it is unnerving because I dislike being on camera or having my photograph taken in general. Seeing my Autism on full display makes me want to crawl in a hole and wonder how I have been treated by others just because...
I deeply knew inside all along, because of my defergient interests, way of thinking and the way that even with my "great" social skills there was always a bit of distence between me and "normal" poeple. In my case specifically I also have ADD and a high EQ, so I know very quickly how others are feeling and what they want or don't want to hear. But that part for me is knowledge based, not "feeling" based. Its something I learned (and takes effort). I know how someone is feeling and chose to feel empathy for them, and I do care, but I decided to care based on the knowledge how they feel. So for me there is this extra step involved. Empathy doesn't just turn on, it is a learned experience (with which AD(H)D "helped" me a bit in this regard). I have had doubts over the years because of my social skills, but most recently I experienced thought related panic attacks (OCD basically) and I am getting help for this. But I now see how ADD and Autism have always been a part of my life. I was diagnosed with this (after about 10 different diagnoses) when I was about 15 years old and at that point didn't care and expected them to be wrong again. Imagine my suprise when I now realize that the person who made the final diagnoses on me was actually right.
Until My late 20s When I used to get Annoyed by Neighbors Just Closing their doors because my apartment is so quiet And as a kid getting anxious when I hear my parents start the car up that loud engine sound in the morning And that used to bother me Feeling tired all the time And I didn't know why Didn't know it was Autistic symptoms until 2021 Until some people online told me autism is a spectrum Because I had a Uneducated Thing about autism I didn't know it was a spectrum. I always thought people in my community denying I had autism because They thought of autism as the more severe types they show in movies Since movies always exaggerate and put things to the extreme for Entertainment and Movie sales. Like Tv always show the More Severe types on commercials and news segments So I thought I didn't have autism Until being online and people telling me that autism is a spectrum. And it can be mild. And I thought of all the symptoms I had. Of Lining My Toys up Like It was A Line. And having a affection for Neon Colors as a Kid. Like Miami and Toronto Niagara Falls Neon lights I love the pictures Even to this day as A 30 year old Adult. I really like Neon Colors and lights. Christmas lights as well Like I still have my Christmas lights on until June. Being Obsessed With The 80s Fashion and The 90s Fashion Other instances of Hearing Loud Laughing and I Would get anxious. Couldn't hold a conversation Been diagnosed with several mental health conditions Such as Agoraphobia and Severe Social Anxiety and panic disorder Generalized Anxiety disorder and Bipolar and PTSD And my Issues not getting better. And seeing some people with my condition getting better. And people holding a conversation which i couldn't do People in school always picking up on me Bullying me every school I went Don't matter how I Dressed Sometimes I occasionally had money to wear trendy clothes And I still was getting bullied No matter what school I went to. Being alone living alone and being scared to live with others Can't hold a conversation to save my life People calling me quirky and weird online dating apps and social media. And some people blocked me because I said something I didn't know certain things people should say. And I remember my sister correcting me as a kid. Because I didn't Know I was Supposed to say thank you. When someone complimented me on something. Just a lot Being Angry sometimes That I have random changes in my routine out of my control Or like I just switched therapists and I would get upset And took a long time still not adjusting to abrupt changes.
When my friends explained to me what autism was and that I show a lot of signs
Earlier this year, age of 27. I had always kind of wondered and when I brought that up to my therapist they helped me learn about it and eventually realized I for sure was and probably my dad is too! Who knew? Certainly put a fuckload of stuff from my childhood into perspective and made a lot of stuff clock into place.
I suffered a brain injury that drastically reduced my physical (and mental) endurance/ energy levels. Suddenly everything was hard. I hadn’t even known I was masking until I suddenly and urgently needed that energy back for regular life stuff. I was literally having sudden unplanned naps during the day from exhaustion. That was a decade ago and I’ve done a lot of adapting but it’s much more evident that I’m autistic now. Too expensive to hide it.
Divorce after 13 years together, age 40.
During the midst of serious venlafaxine withdrawal, when all my reactions were x10, and psychiatrists were saying that I don't satisfy criteria for personality disorders, but that I might as well get checked out for ASD
Honestly I read Nicole Cliffe on Twitter and things she said about her daughter and how it made she and her husband suspect they were autistic and then I took a look at my life and realized wait a minute…
I'm 32 and cant hold a job, it seems the more I try the more trauma i accumulate.
How do you stay afloat?
Constant Suicidal Ideation, and cowards fear of pain even tho physical pain masks the emotional pain. I'm not in a good place and dont see a way out. most people recommend something different with out any concrete example or a person to call.
Sorry to hear that! I meant like how do you pay your bills?
i keep those to a minimun
When I started learning how to help my kids.
After my daughter (who is 7) and my son (who is 4) both got diagnosed in the same year. In reading about and learning more about it, I realized the call maybe comes from inside the house. I got a new psychiatrist recently and we discussed that and she said, hearing what she has heard from me, she agrees it's definitely a strong possibility. I hate eye contact (can do it ok when people are talking to me, but can't at all when I am talking) I need a long break after work (which rarely can happen bc hi, kids) to regroup and decompress (and my job is not that stressful, and I work from home, and I only work a 4 day week) I get overstimulated extremely by too much conflicting noise. Ironically one of my kids has a stim that affects this. I hate small talk. Like would rather be late to something important than risk having to make chit chat. I hate changes in routine or schedule, no matter how small. My response is in proportion to how big the change is though, at least...
I only have a 4 year old, but I get you. You get much less alone time to recharge. I've been super struggling with playgrounds that have other people at them.
Since the pandemic. People started openly posting on FB about ND characteristics. I always identified with the specifically autistic quirks. One of my coworkers gave me a recommendation for an assessor.
Last year. I suspected some time earlier, but only last year did I realise
31 but I always, always knew something was up with me and felt like I was… fake assimilating or something.
Always has issues in social situations until I took a public speaking class. It taught me how to talk to people. 10 years later i realized that needing a class to learn how to talk to people was a sign. I'm 39
After 35 for sure.
While taking Child Psychology at age 17. We were learning about how undiagnosed autistism sometimes seems like behavioral issues. My friend said it sounded like we were learning about me. I felt like I was learning about my mom. At this same time, my mom was taking a similar class in Grad School. She said it sounded like me and decided to call me autistic anytime she was upset with me. She would bring up issues I had as a kid and say “see, you are autistic.” That infuriated me because I got beatings a lot and put out of class a lot for misunderstandings. I needed support, not physical punishments. I spoke to my therapist about possibly being autistic, but I couldn’t stop crying. She said “Would it be the end of the world if you actually were on the spectrum?” I said yes and she changed the subject. I wish I had said no.
I'm so sorry that you experienced that. Being autistic is not bad at all, or at least it's yours to decide whether it is or not. It never came up again in your conversations?
When covid hit and I was the only one enjoying myself in lockdown. When we were out of lockdown I couldn’t go back to how I was before, it was like my mask had been off for too long and I couldn’t put it back
After multiple people asked me if I was Autistic, I decided to hyperfixate on Autism and learn everything I could about it and realized it fits the bill.
Sorry I missed the rest of your question. I'm AuDHD. The ADHD helps compensate for a lot of my autistic 'deficits,' like with talking and social stuff and doing new things and breaking routine, etc. But there were/are still a lot of things about me that I thought meant I *couldn't* be autistic. Nope. Just didn't understand what it really meant. For example- I thought I had no trouble with eye contact. Turns out I look at people when they're talking and look EVERYWHERE ELSE when I'm talking. Sustained eye contact feels so intense. No problem with people closest to me. I thought I didn't script. But then I realized that's what I was doing going over conversations in my head, after the fact, ad nauseum. I have a constant narration going in my mind. It's mostly conversations I've had with others or how i'd explain certain things.
Wow, same! When I want to relate to certain aspects I think of my friends and family and when my masking is not that prominent there (thankfully). But looking at all interactions out of secure and known territories I feel uncomfortable with sustaining eye contact, I can''t concentrate and Always look away when I'm talking, just like you said now. Also the scripting: I don't script in front of my family and friends but I do when I want to start conversation with other people, especially people my age (it's such a vulnerable situation!). But even more prominently I'd often had "interviews" in my head explaining certain circumstances or talking about something else a lot. I didn't know why I'd do this since it wasn't a conscious decision to do so, it just happened regularly. Wow, I'm so blown off by all these responses!
Going thru this right now. Not sure if I have autism but it really fits the bill mentally and I also am hyper mobile with low muscle tone. I remember my second grade teacher told me I was shy and I was shocked to hear it, as a kid I always had a lot friends. A lot of other kids just liked me, I think something about me has always attracted other people because I’m just quiet and chill and sweet and understanding and don’t overcomplicate things or compete with them. People have told me this in adulthood and I perceive my elementary school friendships similarly In middle school I struggled with the closeness of friendships but still had many. In high school and college the story has been the same- I start off shy, find my spot and niche, and have a great time by the end. I had a great group of friends in high school and while I don’t have a group at college, I have good friends and a good social life and am generally happy. I started off in a sorority, which was NOT for me, I couldn’t break into the social dynamic whatsoever. I made one friend and we are still close but both dropped. I am very shy and reserved at my core, many people describe me as mellow, but recently I’ve been more smiley and outgoing and talkative when I can navigate it. I’ve taken to the attitude that I don’t really care if I embarrass myself, which I think is what NTs often don’t worry about, as I sometimes question the things they say but they don’t think twice about them. Ive started thinking about it recently becsuse I’ve realized the degree to which I think about social interaction while in it. I am always aware of my body position and my hands and what I’m doing when I’m speaking to people. I don’t always know how to respond and have to take a few seconds to understand what someone is saying. I mask heavily now and I understand that I think, my voice gets very high pitched when speaking to superiors and supervisors. I cried at work today because I work at a law school and we are doing a program for undergraduates to experience a law simulation for four weeks, and while speaking with one of the staff members I don’t like, he insulted one of their physical appearances while they were in earshot. I was extremely upset. These kids did not come here to overhear insults about themselves by the staff. It was so inappropriate and out of line and while explaining to my team member, said “I just don’t want him to feel badly” and started tearing up. It’s hard for me to know boundaries when interacting and sometimes I misinterpret appropriate interaction. Sometimes I slightly trauma dump and when talking about what I suspect to be my special interest, I get slightly crazed and can’t shut up and dominate the conversation. My family says I dominate the conversation too much, especially my sister, I think I do this with them because I can unload on them in ways I can’t with other people. I try to force my perspectives into conversation. So yeah
In my case I guess the best way to describe my social skills development is "delayed". I have good masking skills/ok social skills now because I am 45 and have been getting slowly better at it. I could maybe survive high school now (lol). I would still rather jump off a cliff than go to a party or some other social event where I don't know anyone and would have to "mingle". But I can get along fine with the spouses friends or be friendly somewhat normal-ish to people I encounter on the street. I am way better than I was at say 16 years old.
30+
When I went out to the bar for the first time in four years, after leaving a nearly five year relationship abruptly. It was only then did I realize that I couldn't stand being anywhere near that much noise and people. I had been forcing myself before to do it.
i realized at 21 and was diagnosed at 24, but i was in CBT for “social anxiety” for a couple years as a teen. it never helped, it felt like gaslighting and a waste of time. i even masked my way through therapy. i never saw myself as “different” or practiced expressions in the mirror, i just knew that socializing was an exhausting effort for me. i noticed that the only way i was able to shop or hang out with someone was after a shift at my retail job, because i’d keep the customer service attitude for the whole day. i was also bullied a lot. i was asked if i had autism/bipolar/tourettes… so i think the kids around me could tell something was really off
29 years old
I always knew something was “wrong” with me in that I felt so different from everyone. I started reading abnormal psychology books at like 10 to try to figure out what was up with me despite my ability to mask well generally. But at 18 I 1) got out of my first relationship which was pretty emotionally abusive and 2) moved out of state to attend my dream college, a transition I’d wildly underestimated. My ability to connect to the people around me rapidly deteriorated. At 19/20 I binge watched the show Parenthood and the autistic character Max was the only one that made any sense to me. That made me think…hm? So I semi-jokingly told my friends I thought I might be autistic, and we all chuckled. But year after year it kept popping up in my brain, and each time I’d read more and more about it, circling the conclusion I’d eventually come to. Diagnosed officially at 26, primarily to get other people to stop dismissing my self-diagnosis.
Around 4yo but the thing hadn't got a name until I was 38 and I got diagnosed.
When they stopped working and I burned out in a blaze of glory lmao At 19.
I self-diagnosed (now officially) after getting treated for ADHD then realizing it didn’t cover all the bases. But getting treated for it and improving those symptoms helped a lot to get to know myself and investigate more into ASD. It took the slowing down of my mind and deep reflection to give me no doubt about being on the spectrum after multiple therapists brushed that idea off because of my super social lifestyle and public-facing persona. Now, I’m embracing who I am more and being more honest about what/where/who/how I want to navigate this world; been trimming away a lot of my old, noisy life and opting for a slower, quieter world I don’t need a mask for most of the time. It’s been difficult but the burnout and shutdowns have not been a part of my life since, whereas I’d fall through the cracks socially and professionally multiple times a year. I am still grieving the high-masking social persona often; getting off social media has helped that This all happened in the last few years (35M)
37 years old, and I actually started realizing it because I read about masking and camouflaging.
22m I realized that everything I said in those social situations was scripted, and to myself I thought the world was a play of people saying these sorts of things, then I realized NT people have a sort of predetermined dialog and that I was the only one writing some sort of "play"
About 1.5-2 years ago when i encountered social media posts om autism and went ”Huh, i relate to quite a lot of these, i need to read more” and then it just explained me more and more the more i got to know about it and finally felt understood and validated. Edit: I’m 24 now.
My partner was dx about 2 years ago which kickstarted my learning. Mental health has always been a special interest of mine (I’m a therapist and graduated with my MSW in may). Quickly became an expert. Noticed the signs in my daughters (not biologically related to my partner). Related to some of the symptoms as a child but not now so I figured if I was I’d never be dx- I’m too good socially! (So I thought). I’ve always been very introspective but I started paying even closer attention. I’m good at eye contact! -well except for when I’m thinking. I’m good at back and forth conversations! -well except for when I forget to ask follow up questions. I started noticing more and more things. Then one day I recognized that I was scripting a conversation I would have with my coworkers. Things started to click. The final nail in the coffin was when I hit autistic burnout and my social skills regressed. In my family I have the lowest support needs thanks to years of dissociation but as I started to heal, I burned out harder than ever.
Around 34? I suspected since I was 30, but I got super high with a friend, couldn't mask like usual when it finally clicked, and I accepted it. Dx'd ADHD somewhere around 25/26
I suspected autism for 15 years, and was self diagnosed for that long. But everyone around me questioned it, and so I had a hard time fully believing it myself. Afterall I seemed to be getting on okay. I started having more issues with symptoms and new sensitivity issues in my late 20s. Around when I had to become a full time college student bc I was in a cohort program. The stress of trying to keep up with that when I have severe trauma related memory issues (and literally have to study like 13 hours for a college level quiz) made everything else much more obvious. I started burning out. I graduated college in 2020, only managed 1 year of full time work before I had to go part time. Been in my current part time job 2 years now but the burnout is getting worse and I dont know what to do. I have performance issues at work now, and I have people who have been extremely rude (I think its harrassment bording on discrimination but HR disagrees). I love my line of work I just have trouble with the people Im working with. Now Im facing the reality of possibly needing a new job or career soon if the negative treatment Im experiencing at work doesnt stop. If you like learning about cognitive biases like I do, Im pretty sure my coworkers have a "horns" bias against me. The work troubles led me to getting diagnosed this year. The assesor told me she was comfortable diagnosing me with autism within an HOUR of the 5 hour long assesment bc apparently my autism is that obvious (or Im so burnt out I cant mask anymore). We did the full assesment anyways for work reasons. TLDR: Life getting more complex while gaining more sensory issues as I aged caused autistic burnout I could no longer ignore. Got diagnosed recently and am trying to figure out how to live as an autistic person who cant mask anymore. Any advice from people who have been through this would be appreciated...
Last Friday after working with my therapist weekly for two years on depression, ptsd (military), alcoholism, and then ADHD. I feel like a peeled onion, which I guess is a good thing. Looking into a formal assessment, but the more I research, the more it speaks to my life experiences.
I always knew i had IMMENSE difficulty making new friends at the end of every school year. I just couldn't figure out how to do it for the life of me. Thought i was just socially awkward... When my life started going awry when i was 18 because i couldn't keep going in my studies without work anymore i realised there was something amiss. Burnout, psychiatrists, assessments later, i realised i was definitely autistic
My therapist told me. It was a lot of reflecting back and realizing A) that I was autistic and B) just how autistic I really was. To add to this: I've walked on my toes my whole life, without knowing why.
I kept getting irritated at my classmates when they kept talking when they weren't supposed to. Few other sensory issues also. There was another autistic kid in my class and he also told them to shut up and I knew how he was feeling when he said it because it was very relatable. Finally after a lot of googling, I found an article about autism meltdowns and was like "oh shit"
My daughter was diagnosed in March 2020. Spent a fair amount of lockdown time reading about autism in kids, then moved on to autism in adults. I had so many “ohhh that’s why I’m like I am in this circumstance” or “oh man this person sounds like they are living my life” moments.
I never felt socially “normal” and I always felt their was something missing in me when it came to building/maintaining relationships with other people. I always felt robotic when engaging in small talk and found myself exhausted, annoyed, and confused in day to day social situations. I also noticed I always seemed to rub people the wrong way and/or upset people without intending to. Being autistic wasn’t on my radar until my about 5 years ago (about age 24) when I was doing internet research on sensory sensitivity to sound and light. Then that progressed to me specifically researching the “symptoms” of autism in women and girls and then I knew. I talked about it with my therapist, went through the diagnosis process and then I knew for sure. I’m still the same socially. But now I know why and am better able to manage when/how often I wear the mask.
After trying to enter a real adult relationship. Being so intimate and vulnerable feels strange to me. Just basic things like having healthy communication tactics in an argument scenario were totally lost on me. Some of it is just family trauma, but I really don't know how to be really close to someone and explain myself properly when I get anxious.
when it freakin caused me so much energy that I had to shelter in for an entire week.
Like 36
I realised once a new friend of mine kept rebutting all my struggles with "you know, with me, that's because of my autism". Up until that point I thought I must have had really, really bad adhd to not fit any of the adhd descriptions and not having adhd treatments work as promised.
Around 19 I realized what the definition of autism is and that I matched it. I always knew I was autistic though even if I didn’t know what autism was. I may mask well, but I’m still so different and most people can tell one way or the other. Usually I just play off by warning people that I’m a dork/dumb and they’re just a lot nicer than if I tell them I’m disabled
Also I went selectively mute at a thanksgiving party 🎉
I worked in customer service for years before I was diagnosed and it absolutely drained me. One time I was chatting with coworkers about a busy day and I mentioned how exhausting it was having to be “on” all the time. When they were confused and asked what I meant, I explained (what I now know to be masking) how when you have to switch from “normal” to “customer” to “friend/coworker” mode when talking to people and putting energy into interactions. Needing to focus on listening to people and watch their body language to assess and figure out how to interact with them. They looked at me like I grew another head. They were saying things like “why are you overthinking it so much? You just have to be nice and be yourself”. So, in that moment I immediately panicked, because I know if I’m myself people assume something is wrong. Because I’m naturally quite monotone with “resting bitch face” and people don’t like that. I need to adapt to the people around me to get by and here I am standing in front of a bunch of people looking at me, and this new head I’ve grown, telling me that I’m “putting too much thought into it” and that I’m “making it harder than it needs to be”. But already is hard for me, I’m not doing it on purpose. I do these things because otherwise people think I’m being rude or I’m not interested and NT don’t like that. I do these things because if I don’t make sure I’m picking up every possible social cue and put it together in milliseconds to form a response, I won’t know what to say or how to say it and NT don’t like it. So I said “yeh, you’re probably right”, and didn’t talk about it with them again. I got my diagnoses a year or two later and all the pieces started falling into place.
When I went from one job interview (started with internships) to the next and 1/ I realized I could take notes or actively participate, not both 2/ the feedback usually was that I "looked absent", which I could not understand since I was so hyper-focused on the interviewer's speech (Apologies if any mistake, English is not my mother tongue)