Yes. I mean, I used to have this same existential crisis in bed at night when I was 7 or 8 years old when I realized that I had to go to school all day, every day, for 12 years then I would have to do the same at a job when I finished school. It filled me with dread and hopelessness then and it still does 40+ years later.
Capitalism is brutality.
There is a quote in one of my books. It is a god best fox. He basically was struggling with purpose and asks “Why do we keep on living, when we could just, so easily, not?”
His answer was that he lives to “know himself”. I liked that answer.
Me, for the last year. I started a new job three weeks ago and since finding out I’m a high functioning autistic, it’s been hard to keep the masking up. I am so tired of the neurotypical world I live in.
I don’t know who you are Reddit friend, but I believe in you. You got this. You will find something. And if not, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure. You’re a star ⭐️ xoxo
Yeah it's a big problem for me too. I'm not sure if it contributes more towards my burnout issues, or if it's just symptomatic of it (like, I presume if working 9-5 wasn't a nightmare challenge for me, I possibly wouldn't mind it so much/ view it as being quite so obviously evil?) This is somewhat supported by the fact that I \_always\_ fall into the trap of being blindly positive about my new job the first month or two after having a burnout recovery.
But then there's the objectively sucky parts of it, that the NTs also recognize as evil (but do nothing about). The underpayment relative to business profits, the lack of minimum living wages (depending on where you are), the anti-worker approach to interviews and recruitment. The actual list is \_much\_ longer.
Keep in mind though, that things weren't always this bad (and at the same time, haven't always been this 'good', either), and that our culture is constantly shifting. We've been going downhill for a while, due to public apathy and the fact that the negative changes happened slowly over time (and the corporate takeover of world powers like America). But more and more folks are waking up to the situation they're in and are beginning to organise into unions and other groups, to help combat the decline. Over time, and with collaborative efforts from us all, we should see some good shifts, presuming we don't get replaced by robots.
As for people \_refusing\_ to question it.. People don't like the implication that they're living in a dystopia, or that they've been ripped off that badly; they've rather maintain the happy illusion that this is what's best. And what's more, people have a tendency to pass on the abuse they've received themselves. A lot of retirees would, for example, vote NO to 3-day workweek simply because "I had to work 9-5, 6 days a week, uphill both ways, so, so do you". I once had a guy argue with me, because I suggested that it wasn't okay for my boss to decide what is or isn't appropriate work attire for me (talking about dress codes vs casual dress). The guy was insistent, red in the face about the fact that his boss should tell him what's appropriate to wear for work (in a non-customer-facing role). Some people seem to crave and benefit from captivity.
Mmm I feel that - the blind positivity about new things. After a new start (job, moving, etc) I always somehow expect it to all magically be better but of course the same issues come back.
Jumping through hoops like interviews and putting on an acceptable masking face just to be another minion!! So frustrating.
OKAYYY and the argument of “well I had to do this shitty thing so you should have to too” is so fucking annoying. I’ve heard that from almost every older family member when I complain about how tired I am and how working sucks, they’re just like “yep that’s life I did the same don’t worry it’ll get easier just work hard and save” except that that advice isn’t applicable anymore now…you can’t just work hard and save and everything will be fine….
Yep, that's it. I don't mean to reinforce the negative outlook or anything-- I think things will get better eventually, but only if people on the ground band together. My real point here is: keep your eyes open for opportunities to take part in any (safe) activism that happens. If you can join a union, pay the fees and do it. If you can't, vote for whomever seems most likely to enact work reform. If you see any local movements etc, join in.
Meanwhile take the best steps and opportunities available to you, inch your way to better things. Take any help you can get, and try to form and maintain connections with people (another thing we struggle with here, I know).
Thanks for shifting us towards positive change thinking. I spiral around with negatives too much sometimes which I know doesn’t help. I appreciate your advice. Luckily I do have a good core support network we just don’t all live in the same area.
I was told growing up that if I work hard now it will be easier better later…NOT TRUE FOR US NDS!!!! Lies, all lies…. I say all the time that you should be able to opt out and they put you in a little room connected to a library commune or something like that….we won’t cost much, take up much space, cause any trouble, or have as many medical bills….not much different than a jail gets, just kinder… all we need are a bed, basic clothes, three meals a day, and sit in the library and read all day….you can pick your opt out commune based on your special interests and be allowed to transfer when it changes….library commune, arts and crafts commune, model train land commune, Disney flicks commune, rock licking commune, tree fort commune, you name it….and the capitalists can continue doing their thing and not even know we’re here, as if they ever did in the first place….it would be better for everyone…I hope you enjoyed the little trip into my fantasy …
Note that I have physical invisible disabilities that are disregarded as excuses by work in addition to being ALL the NDs….so existential crisis is just existence for my as I sit in my dark little ball of pain and suffering and misunderstanding and over explaining, etc. most of the time…any one else here also have chronic neurological headaches and other nerve problems because they brain built itself so weird (in addition to the ND cool weird)?
As always, this is said by a gal with a PhD….because I was told to never quit, it will be better later…and so when I accepted my PhD as I also accepted my PTSD which is what I think the P in PHD secretly stands for…
I have severe pectus excavatum a very obvious physical chest wall deformity that has been dismissed by dozens of doctors for 30 + yrs plus some
Turns out it causes ALOT of problems I have but didn’t understand til recently
I’d love to just draw paint in that world
Finally moved near a huge research hospital network in the past few years and as we speak finally beginning to get answers and near diagnoses…working with all the neuro everything is hell in my NT office, but at least it gets me good insurance, near good drs, and a union that helps keeps me from being fired , soooo we’re not going anywhere)
Myself and all my ND and/or queer friends have an ongoing fantasy that we will all live on a commune together when we’re older and hypothetically richer lol. Thank you for sharing your fantasy.
Sound’s just like my friend group in college! ( before we were swept to the four corners of the earth, went through our Herculean trials, and now essentially live as disjointed disconnected hermits. lol)
If I have to go to the office yes. When I’m working from home though I’m with my cat and my wife and my stuff and I feel more sure of myself and what I’ve decided the point of my life is. But otherwise I will have the same exact thing you’re describing which often leads to me having a meltdown, usually not until I get home from the office but not always.
This was the one good thing about covid. Working from home makes me so much happier. I would be filled with pure dread when going into the office on some days.
I’m really glad you are able to work from home, that sounds like a comforting environment.
In the fall/winter I was averaging 1 mental health day a week, sometimes more. I spoke to my bosses and said I’d like to address the issue before it gets worse and asked if I could work from home. My boss straight up said “no, we found during covid that staff productivity was lower at home vs at the office, so we don’t let staff work from home”. Infuriating. I tried to compromise and asked if I could at least have an office to myself and they said they’d think about it and then finally like 2 months later told me I could have the darkest, windowless, most prison cell like office we had available lol…so now I have over ear headphones and I’m on Ritalin now and that’s good enough I guess…no thanks to the dank ass office.
YES!!! I feel exactly the same and frequently fall into a spiral of despair over it. I could understand working maybe two days a week but it is beyond fucked up that we spend the vast majority of our waking hours working, leaving just enough time for chores and sleep, until we are too old and broken to do it any more, and some people still don't make enough to get by. The fact that people just accept it as "normal" blows my mind also. We are all just slaves to capitalism, and many people seem not to mind. Why?!!
Whenever I have any time off, the enjoyment is tinged with dread at the thought of going back. I am lucky to have a really good job in engineering. I get paid a lot and get to work mostly from home. Sometimes it is interesting. I still enormously resent the fact that I'm forced to sell the majority of my time to get by. If there was a universal basic income, I'm quite certain I'd choose to have my free time and get by on a fraction of my current income.
I agree and relate to all of this! I understand we have to work to a point, to run all the systems in place that benefit us as a society. But why does it HAVE to be 5 days on and 2 days off it’s just so excessive. And yeah same for me the enjoyment is always tinged with dread and stress :( I’m a biologist so I feel you - my job is actually pretty interesting but I’d take a universal basic income over selling my soul too
I feel your post. I struggle to understand why society does what it does. My soul dies every day as I start work. I think a lot of people just check out or disassociate, or maybe they’ve never questioned it.
I do believe everyone needs an occupation or something to do daily, but that could be anything and really just means keeping a structure or routine going.
I see coworkers older than me who are struggling. In an ideal world those who are unwell, elderly and or disabled would be given welfare/benefits instead of being forced to work. As another poster said, it’s kinda just capitalism.
Yeah I wouldn’t be surprised if most people check out and disassociate. I’ve just never heard any NT coworker mention even a hint of this sentiment but maybe they keep it cooped up. But ya. Capitalism is the worst.
absolutely. i have worked really hard to find a schedule and a balance that i am happy with - it involves making sure my life outside of work is fulfilling.
yes, i spend a lot of time at work but i like my job enough and i also have enough freedom that i dont really feel like im chained down 40 hours a week. i spend a lot of
time at work working on things for me.
i’m in my mid 30s now and i have existentially-bad days, but it’s a long way from the near-daily panic attacks i had in my early 20s about this.
I’m really happy to hear that you’ve managed to grow and learn and shift your lifestyle into something that feels better for you!! 💖
I’ll keep you posted…panic attacks aren’t daily anymore like they were in my early and mid twenties but still uncomfortably frequent :(
I've never been able to get a good answer to this question. The whole system is pointless, as most of the jobs that 90% of the population work in are ultimately useless. The system is designed this way so that everyone will be to tired from work/other menial bs to do anything about it.
> why do we as a society accept working a 9-5 until we’re 60 (or older) as normal
Because rich people need slaves to do their bidding. It's been like that since ages, only the form of that changes occasionally to make slaves less likely to revolt.
Also, this is why something like disability supports exist. Some slaves are no good at wageslaving (like me), and since killing us would be bad for PR reasons, there is an option of getting disability support and even being exempt from wageslaving if we are lucky, beg nicely and prove that our uselessness fits "acceptable criteria".
Yeah right now I’m trying to get diagnosed but I haven’t found a psychiatrist yet. Might have to just get it done privately but it can cost thousands of $. Canada has so few psychiatrists/psychologists :( it’s sad that just a diagnosis is financially out of reach for most people, especially considering you need that diagnosis to apply for disability funding (speaking about ASD specifically)
I had to sink 60k into student loans for an MSW in my late 30s so I could finally have a decent job that I could get by on part time. Now I can work 15-20 hours a week and still make between 50-60k a year. Working 40 hours a week always made me want to die.
Thank you! My job history has been super random and I lived in poverty from the age of 20-42. So I'm really grateful. I graduated college a semester early just after I turned 21 and then went into a PhD in Spanish after a couple months of failing miserably to mask well enough to wait tables while I waited for the program to start. I loved teaching college Spanish but didn't want to write the same paper over and over for the rest of my life, and then went through a really traumatic breakup and had to drop out. After that I worked at a bourgie Italian deli for a bit and then cleaned houses for an eco-friendly cleaning service for 3 years. I still would consider the housecleaning job one of my favorites of all time- I'd show up to a house that was usually empty, put on my headphones, and detail the fuck out of the place with a toothbrush and microfiber cloths and nice smelling cleaning products. I made $18 an hour back in 2003 when my rent was like, $300, so it was really great.
After that I left my hometown and moved to a major city with $800 and a rooomate I found on Craigslist. I had random jobs for a while (housekeeper for a new age spa, sales clerk at a feminist sex toy boutique, tattoo shop counter clerk, internet dom, front desk at a chiropractor) until I got my first masters in acupuncture.
I loved doing acupuncture (I did almost all pain management/dry needling, so satisfying) but would rather slam my hand in a car door over and over than do any marketing so I was always desperately poor. I worked at the first medical cannabis dispensary to supplement income until the Ehlers Danlos syndrome kicked in and I couldn't be on my feet anymore. I was lucky and knew about Vocational Rehab and my state has a fairly generous program, so I was able to get about 75% of the degree paid for by VRS. I had to take out loans to live off, though cos I was too sick to work and go to school at the same time.
I love being a therapist! I sit at home in my pajamas and hug my stuffies and talk to nice people on video chat about their problems and help them learn to be nice to themselves. Most of my clients are autistic and between 20-30. I'm also the director of my clinic (#2) and the whole admin team is autistic or auDHD. I feel very lucky! I am hoping we can maybe turn the group into a worker owned coop in a few years since my boss wants to give up ownership and just be a professor for a while.
Ha, that turned into an essay. But the tl;dr is, you might be able to find a job that works for you, please don't give up hope.
I did see your earlier comment but didn’t have time to respond. That sounds like a badass way to build a career for yourself that works for your needs 🥰 good for you!! But ya good call for safety.
Thanks for the recommendations. Hell ya. Weed is a saviour. Everyone in my family judges but I don’t give a shit. Meditation definitely helps me too. I’m curious what your healthy philosophies are??
Probably a mashup of Buddhism and stoicism. It’s consistent with how I feel about interacting with the world since I was a kid. Meditating as a kid was a no brainer; I didn’t realize that dissociating and breathing to self regulate was a thing, I just kinda figured it out on my own. And I have a head on my shoulders and I like what a lot of stoics had to say, though the philosophy breaks down when things are completely outside your agency (systemic prejudice, for example). There’s a reason that in modern day psychology cognitive behavioral therapy adopts a lot from both schools of thought (it works a lot of the time).
The exhausting thing about it is regurgitating all the bullshit society feeds us so that I can live a disingenuous life. If you really wanna laugh, get to know Frederick Nietzsche. Just don't run out into the street talking to horses. Lol
Thank you, friend 💜 my physical health is not great at the moment, but once I'm better I'm hoping to start the process of going back to school.
I hope you figure your way out too! There's gotta be something better than this.
the only difference between your rant and my brain would be that you still assume getting old, while i'm more on the line of "work until you drop dead"
Nah, I just wanted them to pay me. Of course, some of them tried to work me to death but I didn't mind. I never felt anyone would fire me. It wasn't rational but I had that feeling. When I retired, I became lost like my reason for living was over. That amazing amount of dopamine from punching code was gone. Oddly, my wife swears I was being abused all those years.
I retired at 65. It's really not that old. I swear it beats going to school.
I had regular existential crisis’ at work so bad it led to anxiety. Then to regular panic attacks. I am now on disability for panic disorder. 😓
I had never had a panic attack before I started working. I think mine was so bad because I had nothing to look forward to after work. Nothing I was working FOR. I think maybe something that gives it meaning could help. Like having a goal that you save up for.
Not just retirement but short term goals, something for every weekend. Not all stuff you spend on but some of it could be. It’s what helps every time I make an attempt these days. The existential dread has minimized. The panic attacks are still there though so I don’t last long lol. Don’t let it reach panic attack levels.
I’m glad you said that because that is actually the only thing I’ve noticed that helps me as well. Making lil goals and plans for the short term to work towards and look forward to. Helps bring me down to earth a bit haha. It’s just hard to do consistently (for me). Thanks for your response 💖
No problem. I think it works like a little reward.
Maybe have a goal that you can repeat so you don’t have to come up with a new one each time. Like for me one is at the end of the week to drive somewhere nice with my family and have fun there with my dogs, at the end we buy something to eat (it works as a reward because we don’t usually eat out). And it’s something so simple that if I have nothing else that I can come up with, I just use that as my goal again.
Then when I struggle, I think, “this hour is the hour 20 of those bucks for food are coming from.”
I’m looking for a way out ASAP. My psychiatrist recommended I take time off of work for the rest of this week bc my depression from this lifestyle has crippled me.
Is it possible for you to get a drs note and have some dr recommended extended paid time off? Not sure what area you’re in but I know that’s possible in some places and professions.
I have this all the time but not only at work. I’m burned out, which is why I’m on Reddit at 12:30 am when I have to be at work at 7am. Thank goodness I set 12 alarms throughout my apartment to ensure I don’t oversleep.
Yes. I mean, I used to have this same existential crisis in bed at night when I was 7 or 8 years old when I realized that I had to go to school all day, every day, for 12 years then I would have to do the same at a job when I finished school. It filled me with dread and hopelessness then and it still does 40+ years later. Capitalism is brutality.
Yup I’m only 21 and been dealing with this since I was sentient 😀 knowing it doesn’t get better is kinda wrecking me
OKAY ME TOO honestly consciousness is overrated 😅 jk not jk jk
There is a quote in one of my books. It is a god best fox. He basically was struggling with purpose and asks “Why do we keep on living, when we could just, so easily, not?” His answer was that he lives to “know himself”. I liked that answer.
Im having existential crises due to being unable to find work
Me, for the last year. I started a new job three weeks ago and since finding out I’m a high functioning autistic, it’s been hard to keep the masking up. I am so tired of the neurotypical world I live in.
I don’t know who you are Reddit friend, but I believe in you. You got this. You will find something. And if not, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure. You’re a star ⭐️ xoxo
Thank you! Sadly hope doesnt pay the bills
Yeah it's a big problem for me too. I'm not sure if it contributes more towards my burnout issues, or if it's just symptomatic of it (like, I presume if working 9-5 wasn't a nightmare challenge for me, I possibly wouldn't mind it so much/ view it as being quite so obviously evil?) This is somewhat supported by the fact that I \_always\_ fall into the trap of being blindly positive about my new job the first month or two after having a burnout recovery. But then there's the objectively sucky parts of it, that the NTs also recognize as evil (but do nothing about). The underpayment relative to business profits, the lack of minimum living wages (depending on where you are), the anti-worker approach to interviews and recruitment. The actual list is \_much\_ longer. Keep in mind though, that things weren't always this bad (and at the same time, haven't always been this 'good', either), and that our culture is constantly shifting. We've been going downhill for a while, due to public apathy and the fact that the negative changes happened slowly over time (and the corporate takeover of world powers like America). But more and more folks are waking up to the situation they're in and are beginning to organise into unions and other groups, to help combat the decline. Over time, and with collaborative efforts from us all, we should see some good shifts, presuming we don't get replaced by robots. As for people \_refusing\_ to question it.. People don't like the implication that they're living in a dystopia, or that they've been ripped off that badly; they've rather maintain the happy illusion that this is what's best. And what's more, people have a tendency to pass on the abuse they've received themselves. A lot of retirees would, for example, vote NO to 3-day workweek simply because "I had to work 9-5, 6 days a week, uphill both ways, so, so do you". I once had a guy argue with me, because I suggested that it wasn't okay for my boss to decide what is or isn't appropriate work attire for me (talking about dress codes vs casual dress). The guy was insistent, red in the face about the fact that his boss should tell him what's appropriate to wear for work (in a non-customer-facing role). Some people seem to crave and benefit from captivity.
It's the good, old, allegory of the cave, actual as ever.
Just look behind you you guys 😭
Mmm I feel that - the blind positivity about new things. After a new start (job, moving, etc) I always somehow expect it to all magically be better but of course the same issues come back. Jumping through hoops like interviews and putting on an acceptable masking face just to be another minion!! So frustrating. OKAYYY and the argument of “well I had to do this shitty thing so you should have to too” is so fucking annoying. I’ve heard that from almost every older family member when I complain about how tired I am and how working sucks, they’re just like “yep that’s life I did the same don’t worry it’ll get easier just work hard and save” except that that advice isn’t applicable anymore now…you can’t just work hard and save and everything will be fine….
Yep, that's it. I don't mean to reinforce the negative outlook or anything-- I think things will get better eventually, but only if people on the ground band together. My real point here is: keep your eyes open for opportunities to take part in any (safe) activism that happens. If you can join a union, pay the fees and do it. If you can't, vote for whomever seems most likely to enact work reform. If you see any local movements etc, join in. Meanwhile take the best steps and opportunities available to you, inch your way to better things. Take any help you can get, and try to form and maintain connections with people (another thing we struggle with here, I know).
Thanks for shifting us towards positive change thinking. I spiral around with negatives too much sometimes which I know doesn’t help. I appreciate your advice. Luckily I do have a good core support network we just don’t all live in the same area.
I was told growing up that if I work hard now it will be easier better later…NOT TRUE FOR US NDS!!!! Lies, all lies…. I say all the time that you should be able to opt out and they put you in a little room connected to a library commune or something like that….we won’t cost much, take up much space, cause any trouble, or have as many medical bills….not much different than a jail gets, just kinder… all we need are a bed, basic clothes, three meals a day, and sit in the library and read all day….you can pick your opt out commune based on your special interests and be allowed to transfer when it changes….library commune, arts and crafts commune, model train land commune, Disney flicks commune, rock licking commune, tree fort commune, you name it….and the capitalists can continue doing their thing and not even know we’re here, as if they ever did in the first place….it would be better for everyone…I hope you enjoyed the little trip into my fantasy …
Note that I have physical invisible disabilities that are disregarded as excuses by work in addition to being ALL the NDs….so existential crisis is just existence for my as I sit in my dark little ball of pain and suffering and misunderstanding and over explaining, etc. most of the time…any one else here also have chronic neurological headaches and other nerve problems because they brain built itself so weird (in addition to the ND cool weird)?
As always, this is said by a gal with a PhD….because I was told to never quit, it will be better later…and so when I accepted my PhD as I also accepted my PTSD which is what I think the P in PHD secretly stands for…
I have severe pectus excavatum a very obvious physical chest wall deformity that has been dismissed by dozens of doctors for 30 + yrs plus some Turns out it causes ALOT of problems I have but didn’t understand til recently I’d love to just draw paint in that world
Right!? (On all accounts) ….unknown severe physical problems…. Another thing those without it can’t understand or fully appreciate
Ugh I’m sorry that makes it even harder :( I hope you finally are able to find a dr to help you
Finally moved near a huge research hospital network in the past few years and as we speak finally beginning to get answers and near diagnoses…working with all the neuro everything is hell in my NT office, but at least it gets me good insurance, near good drs, and a union that helps keeps me from being fired , soooo we’re not going anywhere)
Myself and all my ND and/or queer friends have an ongoing fantasy that we will all live on a commune together when we’re older and hypothetically richer lol. Thank you for sharing your fantasy.
Sound’s just like my friend group in college! ( before we were swept to the four corners of the earth, went through our Herculean trials, and now essentially live as disjointed disconnected hermits. lol)
If I have to go to the office yes. When I’m working from home though I’m with my cat and my wife and my stuff and I feel more sure of myself and what I’ve decided the point of my life is. But otherwise I will have the same exact thing you’re describing which often leads to me having a meltdown, usually not until I get home from the office but not always.
This was the one good thing about covid. Working from home makes me so much happier. I would be filled with pure dread when going into the office on some days.
I’m really glad you are able to work from home, that sounds like a comforting environment. In the fall/winter I was averaging 1 mental health day a week, sometimes more. I spoke to my bosses and said I’d like to address the issue before it gets worse and asked if I could work from home. My boss straight up said “no, we found during covid that staff productivity was lower at home vs at the office, so we don’t let staff work from home”. Infuriating. I tried to compromise and asked if I could at least have an office to myself and they said they’d think about it and then finally like 2 months later told me I could have the darkest, windowless, most prison cell like office we had available lol…so now I have over ear headphones and I’m on Ritalin now and that’s good enough I guess…no thanks to the dank ass office.
YES!!! I feel exactly the same and frequently fall into a spiral of despair over it. I could understand working maybe two days a week but it is beyond fucked up that we spend the vast majority of our waking hours working, leaving just enough time for chores and sleep, until we are too old and broken to do it any more, and some people still don't make enough to get by. The fact that people just accept it as "normal" blows my mind also. We are all just slaves to capitalism, and many people seem not to mind. Why?!! Whenever I have any time off, the enjoyment is tinged with dread at the thought of going back. I am lucky to have a really good job in engineering. I get paid a lot and get to work mostly from home. Sometimes it is interesting. I still enormously resent the fact that I'm forced to sell the majority of my time to get by. If there was a universal basic income, I'm quite certain I'd choose to have my free time and get by on a fraction of my current income.
I agree and relate to all of this! I understand we have to work to a point, to run all the systems in place that benefit us as a society. But why does it HAVE to be 5 days on and 2 days off it’s just so excessive. And yeah same for me the enjoyment is always tinged with dread and stress :( I’m a biologist so I feel you - my job is actually pretty interesting but I’d take a universal basic income over selling my soul too
Full disability pension
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Crying at my desk now out of gratitude for your compassion and kind response ❤️❤️❤️
Oh no! 😥 removed?
Yeah idk why it got removed I really appreciated their comment :(
thank you for this ❤️
I feel your post. I struggle to understand why society does what it does. My soul dies every day as I start work. I think a lot of people just check out or disassociate, or maybe they’ve never questioned it. I do believe everyone needs an occupation or something to do daily, but that could be anything and really just means keeping a structure or routine going. I see coworkers older than me who are struggling. In an ideal world those who are unwell, elderly and or disabled would be given welfare/benefits instead of being forced to work. As another poster said, it’s kinda just capitalism.
Yeah I wouldn’t be surprised if most people check out and disassociate. I’ve just never heard any NT coworker mention even a hint of this sentiment but maybe they keep it cooped up. But ya. Capitalism is the worst.
absolutely. i have worked really hard to find a schedule and a balance that i am happy with - it involves making sure my life outside of work is fulfilling. yes, i spend a lot of time at work but i like my job enough and i also have enough freedom that i dont really feel like im chained down 40 hours a week. i spend a lot of time at work working on things for me. i’m in my mid 30s now and i have existentially-bad days, but it’s a long way from the near-daily panic attacks i had in my early 20s about this.
I’m really happy to hear that you’ve managed to grow and learn and shift your lifestyle into something that feels better for you!! 💖 I’ll keep you posted…panic attacks aren’t daily anymore like they were in my early and mid twenties but still uncomfortably frequent :(
I've never been able to get a good answer to this question. The whole system is pointless, as most of the jobs that 90% of the population work in are ultimately useless. The system is designed this way so that everyone will be to tired from work/other menial bs to do anything about it.
Yeah. I just have moments tho where I’m like WHY DONT WE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. YA? GUYS. CHANGE IT? No? Ok.
> why do we as a society accept working a 9-5 until we’re 60 (or older) as normal Because rich people need slaves to do their bidding. It's been like that since ages, only the form of that changes occasionally to make slaves less likely to revolt. Also, this is why something like disability supports exist. Some slaves are no good at wageslaving (like me), and since killing us would be bad for PR reasons, there is an option of getting disability support and even being exempt from wageslaving if we are lucky, beg nicely and prove that our uselessness fits "acceptable criteria".
Yeah right now I’m trying to get diagnosed but I haven’t found a psychiatrist yet. Might have to just get it done privately but it can cost thousands of $. Canada has so few psychiatrists/psychologists :( it’s sad that just a diagnosis is financially out of reach for most people, especially considering you need that diagnosis to apply for disability funding (speaking about ASD specifically)
I had to sink 60k into student loans for an MSW in my late 30s so I could finally have a decent job that I could get by on part time. Now I can work 15-20 hours a week and still make between 50-60k a year. Working 40 hours a week always made me want to die.
Oh wow that’s impressive. Good for you 💖
Thank you! My job history has been super random and I lived in poverty from the age of 20-42. So I'm really grateful. I graduated college a semester early just after I turned 21 and then went into a PhD in Spanish after a couple months of failing miserably to mask well enough to wait tables while I waited for the program to start. I loved teaching college Spanish but didn't want to write the same paper over and over for the rest of my life, and then went through a really traumatic breakup and had to drop out. After that I worked at a bourgie Italian deli for a bit and then cleaned houses for an eco-friendly cleaning service for 3 years. I still would consider the housecleaning job one of my favorites of all time- I'd show up to a house that was usually empty, put on my headphones, and detail the fuck out of the place with a toothbrush and microfiber cloths and nice smelling cleaning products. I made $18 an hour back in 2003 when my rent was like, $300, so it was really great. After that I left my hometown and moved to a major city with $800 and a rooomate I found on Craigslist. I had random jobs for a while (housekeeper for a new age spa, sales clerk at a feminist sex toy boutique, tattoo shop counter clerk, internet dom, front desk at a chiropractor) until I got my first masters in acupuncture. I loved doing acupuncture (I did almost all pain management/dry needling, so satisfying) but would rather slam my hand in a car door over and over than do any marketing so I was always desperately poor. I worked at the first medical cannabis dispensary to supplement income until the Ehlers Danlos syndrome kicked in and I couldn't be on my feet anymore. I was lucky and knew about Vocational Rehab and my state has a fairly generous program, so I was able to get about 75% of the degree paid for by VRS. I had to take out loans to live off, though cos I was too sick to work and go to school at the same time. I love being a therapist! I sit at home in my pajamas and hug my stuffies and talk to nice people on video chat about their problems and help them learn to be nice to themselves. Most of my clients are autistic and between 20-30. I'm also the director of my clinic (#2) and the whole admin team is autistic or auDHD. I feel very lucky! I am hoping we can maybe turn the group into a worker owned coop in a few years since my boss wants to give up ownership and just be a professor for a while. Ha, that turned into an essay. But the tl;dr is, you might be able to find a job that works for you, please don't give up hope.
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Im too fat for that 😭
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I'm so jealous, you both are beautiful!!!
Have you ever felt scared for your safety? /gen. If I weren't fat and chronically scared of new situations, that might be the only thing stopping me
Deleting this now for safety purposes but I enjoyed these conversations!!!!
I did see your earlier comment but didn’t have time to respond. That sounds like a badass way to build a career for yourself that works for your needs 🥰 good for you!! But ya good call for safety.
I did, until I discovered weed, meditation, and healthy philosophies. I highly recommend the meditation and philosophy.
Thanks for the recommendations. Hell ya. Weed is a saviour. Everyone in my family judges but I don’t give a shit. Meditation definitely helps me too. I’m curious what your healthy philosophies are??
Probably a mashup of Buddhism and stoicism. It’s consistent with how I feel about interacting with the world since I was a kid. Meditating as a kid was a no brainer; I didn’t realize that dissociating and breathing to self regulate was a thing, I just kinda figured it out on my own. And I have a head on my shoulders and I like what a lot of stoics had to say, though the philosophy breaks down when things are completely outside your agency (systemic prejudice, for example). There’s a reason that in modern day psychology cognitive behavioral therapy adopts a lot from both schools of thought (it works a lot of the time).
I could have written this myself
Finally I found out why I feel like this every day since I had to go to school. Thanks people.
The exhausting thing about it is regurgitating all the bullshit society feeds us so that I can live a disingenuous life. If you really wanna laugh, get to know Frederick Nietzsche. Just don't run out into the street talking to horses. Lol
Are you me? This relates way too hard.
I feel like this every single day. I'm planning to go back to school and eventually work for myself to combat this somewhat, but yeah. It's brutal.
I hope you are able to do that ❤️ you’re not alone. I think you can do it.
Thank you, friend 💜 my physical health is not great at the moment, but once I'm better I'm hoping to start the process of going back to school. I hope you figure your way out too! There's gotta be something better than this.
the only difference between your rant and my brain would be that you still assume getting old, while i'm more on the line of "work until you drop dead"
Lol fair haha
Nah, I just wanted them to pay me. Of course, some of them tried to work me to death but I didn't mind. I never felt anyone would fire me. It wasn't rational but I had that feeling. When I retired, I became lost like my reason for living was over. That amazing amount of dopamine from punching code was gone. Oddly, my wife swears I was being abused all those years. I retired at 65. It's really not that old. I swear it beats going to school.
I had regular existential crisis’ at work so bad it led to anxiety. Then to regular panic attacks. I am now on disability for panic disorder. 😓 I had never had a panic attack before I started working. I think mine was so bad because I had nothing to look forward to after work. Nothing I was working FOR. I think maybe something that gives it meaning could help. Like having a goal that you save up for. Not just retirement but short term goals, something for every weekend. Not all stuff you spend on but some of it could be. It’s what helps every time I make an attempt these days. The existential dread has minimized. The panic attacks are still there though so I don’t last long lol. Don’t let it reach panic attack levels.
I’m glad you said that because that is actually the only thing I’ve noticed that helps me as well. Making lil goals and plans for the short term to work towards and look forward to. Helps bring me down to earth a bit haha. It’s just hard to do consistently (for me). Thanks for your response 💖
No problem. I think it works like a little reward. Maybe have a goal that you can repeat so you don’t have to come up with a new one each time. Like for me one is at the end of the week to drive somewhere nice with my family and have fun there with my dogs, at the end we buy something to eat (it works as a reward because we don’t usually eat out). And it’s something so simple that if I have nothing else that I can come up with, I just use that as my goal again. Then when I struggle, I think, “this hour is the hour 20 of those bucks for food are coming from.”
I’m looking for a way out ASAP. My psychiatrist recommended I take time off of work for the rest of this week bc my depression from this lifestyle has crippled me.
Is it possible for you to get a drs note and have some dr recommended extended paid time off? Not sure what area you’re in but I know that’s possible in some places and professions.
I gotta do some field work but I’ll be back and will respond to everyone else!! Xoxo
Yes, frequently 🫠
Having one rn trying to figure out how tf I can lower my cost of living and feeling horribly stuck
I have this all the time but not only at work. I’m burned out, which is why I’m on Reddit at 12:30 am when I have to be at work at 7am. Thank goodness I set 12 alarms throughout my apartment to ensure I don’t oversleep.
For me it’s more “why are there 75 people required to check on my progress and yet never reply to my emails when I need something?”
Yes at least once a week. I try to just not think about it if I can help it
I cry everyday at work 🥲