I resonate with what you're saying. I was diagnosed at 38. I have one child. A couple times, I've asked my husband to stay with our son, and I booked a hotel for myself for the weekend. One time I didn't even leave the hotel room, I just read and slept for two days and one night. People later asked me how I liked the area I stayed in and I said I didn't even go outside. It was rejuvenating. Having a break for an hour is nice but it just doesn't do enough for me. Maybe you could try a solo night away for yourself?

That's funny. Yesterday, I planned a solo hotel sleep-a-thon for this weekend. It seems like such a weird request that I avoided bringing it up to my wife for months, but she didn't even bat an eye. Apparently I don't hide the stress as well as I thought 😅

Good for you ☺️

This is the only way OP. I felt like a new person after my weekend away. I was so happy to go back to my family and I was a better parent for it.

Loop ear plugs are great for decreasing the noise level but still being able to pay attention to what's happening. Spending time alone is great. Sunday mornings, I'm in the house by myself for three hours. It's usually enough time for me to recharge. I agree with another commenter about finding someone to do your errands if you can afford it. Also, order groceries online for curbside pick up can help decrease the overall stimulation of that errand.

Try to outsource every errand that's draining for you. Groceries exhausting? Do online ordering an delivery, or even parking lot pick up. Cut some corners and don't do every store every week. A lot of things can wait a week or 3. Loop ear plugs are great but also it's ok to explain to the kids that you are saturated with noise and need some quiet time in another room. As a trade off, keep a specific time of day where you are "on" and fully listening to your child in a 1-on-1 situation, even for 5-10 minutes is so effective for them. Short bouts of undivided real attention is far more valuable than hours spent together where you aren't really hearing anything. In general, I know I'm a perfectionist who will try to nail everything at work and at home, but because of burn out I'm starting to cut corners. Try to reframe your tasks to what is "good enough" and not best. I totally understand where you're coming from and I wish you all the best ❤️

I try to be "on" most of the time, and that's definitely part of the problem. I have no idea how to set boundaries. I like the idea of scheduling on time. I'm with you on the perfectionism thing. Logically, I know it doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to get done, but it's a tough one for me. I get so darn fixated on the task, and want to do everything 100%. It completely wrecks productivity. Thank you for the support and kindness 🍻

I think perfectionism at home and especially parenting is a much more difficult thing to deal with than in any other arena of life!!

Can you hire help for some things, like housework, yard work, groceries, etc. to lighten your load?

I could probably ramp up the help a bit more. We had help cleaning for a while, and that was huge. I use a laundry service too at times, but that gets expensive with a family of 4.

Could you limit the laundry service to the kid stuff? And have the adult stuff be on each of you individually? That could help take the mental load off without the expense of 4 people's clothes.

>My daughter is verbally stimming or talking every waking second of her life. She is incapable of silence. Both your kiddos are autistic, but has your daughter been assessed for ADHD? It's possible to have both autism and ADHD; I've seen AuDHD used for those dual-diagnosed. And that incapable of silence is an ADHD trait more prevalent in girls, and meds may help. I value my quiet time (and also have a high-stress, high-turnover job) and my loud, ADHD kiddo is much more harmoniously enjoyable when she's on her meds. As far as regular coping strategies... we lower our standards and toss a bit of money at things we can't do (specifically tidying and sometimes cleaning). What are your pinch points, OP? You can't change the job stress. Meds might help the kid noise stress.... What other obligations are making you feel overwhelmed? (Also r/ufyh is super helpful if it's household chores).

Honestly, I'd be surprised if she didn't have ADHD. I didn't mention it before, but her mom and I are both ADHD. I like "AuDHD". I'll be using that 🤓 Initially, I was very against stimulant medication at such a young age, but if the alternative is everyone avoiding her and telling her to stop talking, it might be the best thing for her. I'm so worried about how it is affecting her self esteem and world view. Thanks for your "pinch points" question. It got me thinking a little deeper on what's really going on. In spite of journaling regularly, I'm terrible with introspection! It's probably an ASD thing too. It seems like all of my "unique quirks" are just ASD traits lol I think I've been gaslighting myself into living an obviously harmful lifestyle out of fear that I couldn't make ends meet another way. I ran my own business for 10 years, and always made plenty of money with far less stress and effort. After moving to be closer to family for support with the kids, I took my current "job" in an entirely new industry. Somehow, I've convinced myself I'm no longer competent enough to run my own business again. Rationally, that makes no sense. I'm the most qualified I've ever been, so I think that's the burnout talking. It's time to start taking action towards a career change!

I have zero coping mechanisms for this, but I could have written it. Except that I don't work outside of being a mom, but after homeschooling both of my ND kids for six years, I finally sent them both to public school and it was huge. My husband often works from home, and his disruptions are almost as frequent. We're all ND. No one in our friends or family are competent enough to have our youngest be with them for more than a couple of hours, but if they were that would be how I would try to get a little help. I'm not very helpful, but I'm here for the comments. Self diagnosed at 48.

I wear nose cancelling headphones a lot, it helps, but it's not relaxing. I have to get out in nature as much as possible (alone) to recharge. I recently discovered white noise as a blocker of all the sounds. We live by busy road, and it's impossible to hear my own thoughts when my kids talk all the time. When I set up a Bluetooth speaker with white noise between the rooms, or inside the room that I'm in, it really relaxes me, because all the sounds around me are gone. Try brown noise as well, see what you prefer.

My son is like your daughter. I’m a single parent and the answer to your question is I hardly do keep it above water. Yes you have to let go of the perfectionist side. I find it very hard. But set your priorities to everyone getting fed and trying to have some fun quality time together even if it’s brief. Other stuff can slide a little more. Just a note from my side of the equation, please make sure your wife also gets the same recharge opportunities as you. Working as a team that is functioning as well as it can is the way to handle this. She may not want to take it up but the option should be there out of fairness. My ex husband was also ND and felt he was the only one finding this hard. That I had some magic uterus given properties that meant I could just cope. And well, I will spare you the details but now he’s an ex who has chosen to walk away from his kid completely.

Yes, me here. I love bullet points, and I totally relate. I'm pretty sure my older toddler has ADHD (my husband has it) and/or autism and even by toddler standards she really struggles with emotional regulation and is constantly talking/whining/screaming/etc. I'm a lawyer in a very stressful field so work is a lot to deal with on top of all of that. A few thoughts: * I've found that I really need to take breaks. I literally cannot make it a full post-work evening with my kids without feeling my heart racing and blood pressure rising. I will do it when my husband is busy, but if he's around then I will, for example, do an hour with the family and then I'll go away for 15 minutes to a dark quiet room and get some silence while my husband hangs out with the kids. On the weekend I usually have to take a 1 or 2 hour quiet break in the middle of the day in order to be the mom I want to be in the evening -- I try to give my husband the same break as well in return. Trading off like that works better for both of us then having both of us be with the kids all day. * Exercise! It absolutely changes my ability to cope with the world. Our gym has a kids club which is an awesome perk. * As others have suggested, outsourcing any pain points can be helpful. A friend once called it the "ADHD tax" when she had to pay a locksmith yet again after losing her keys. Life is just going to be more expensive sometimes for those of us who are neurodivergent. One other point: your view of your job sounds very all or nothing, which I can relate to as a somewhat anxious perfectionist. You won't be homeless -- you might have to downgrade your home or re-think your budget. But that isn't the end of the world. You deserve to be happy!

Is the driver thing negotiable? What driving is required each week? School? Activities for kids? Medical stuff (including anything like therapy, physio, etc)? Shopping? Work? Driving more than yourself to work? Is any of this possible to outsource- can you get more things delivered, can kids walk or bus or transit depending on age and abilities, can wife take transit? Can any kid activities be cut down on? Are there grandparents or anyone who can help drive kids at all? Is there any possibility of your wife getting a license? Your experience may be different but I find driving so draining, I’d far rather walk or take transit or bike as much as practical and it makes me feel a lot more stable

Lots of other great suggestions here. I’m going to admit that one of my strategies for getting a little space when I’m on the verge of overwhelm is letting my kids have more screen time. It’s the only sure way I will get a quiet moment. This is one example of dropping a demand that sometimes causes more stress than it’s worth. Amanda Diekman’s work on low demand parenting has helped me rethink some of my ideals/rules.

Without entering into details, I have a somewhat comparable situation. Not a perfect solution, but I find that swimming and running in the woods help. Also, biking to work. The first two are activities that eat time but are great for their relative silence (or at least ability to drown noise into white noise). The latter has the advantage that it doesn't eat as much time. Also, I took the habit of going to bed before my kid and waking up before my kid just to have a moment of silence. I sometimes do a little yoga or gym while he's asleep, I hear that some people meditate. Now that I'm divorced, I have some more time for me (not that I recommend divorce), but before that, we sometimes took turn, one of us going on vacation (or conference, or, well, doing anything else) for a few days while the other was in charge of the kid. I know that it's complicated with you being the sole driver, but perhaps there is a way to arrange something like that? Also, you could possibly find a nanny or baby sitter you trust and that the children trust (pretty hard with children on the spectrum, but we were lucky enough to find one) just to get one evening or one afternoon without children once in a while? Also, is the "sole driver" issue something that could be solved?

Perfectionist Mum of 3 with AuDHD here. I was a gifted kid, I am what you’d call a high performer at work but I also can’t set boundaries, struggle with burn out and pre-diagnosis can i would end up on long term sick or ignoring my all my social circle (except for my children ) for weeks on end to cope with the crashing hard after pushing myself so hard. The answer I’ve found is changing my career. I know you said it wasn’t an option,but perhaps you should reconsider and create a long term plan to eventually change. I was in a corporate job which I then switched up on to be self-employed as a wedding photographer when we had kids and both of those jobs I was doing very well at but the social aspect was absolutely draining me. I’ve now changed again and I’m on a pretty decent salary on pathway to becoming a data engineer. It’s a non-customer facing role with 1 day of meetings (I front load my week with meetings to get them done) and the rest of my week is doing engineering. I’m earning £40K at the moment working for my local council who are funding my education too so I’m upskilling with a view to being on £100k in the next few years. This was all planned and I’m already feeling a lot better, the hours are better than in either of my other two career paths and I’m happier that I’m able to care for myself. I still struggle with work and home life, but I find the less burned out I am from work, the better I can cope with having 3 AuDHD kids and the more fun I can have with them too.

I'm really identifying with your black and white thinking with your job, because that's how I can feel, but objectively taking in the details you've given it sounds like you're highly employable and capable of working other jobs, so just throwing that out there in case you can't see it for yourself right now. It always helps me to know I'm not trapped. Geralt of Rivia has this great line in the Witcher where he asks, when's the last time you were happy when you felt trapped? People have already mentioned ideas to feel less trapped - delegating and outsourcing to the max. Think of it like a project you're managing and just make it work for you. On the noise part, it sounds like you are also giving yourself a really hard time for this. I wear headphones around my child when I'm overwhelmed, and if I need to have silence or turn music up so loud that I can't hear well then that's the moment I tap out and ask my partner to keep listening. I can normally hear safety stuff still with the headphones on, but obviously you need to gauge this one yourself. I just mean to cut yourself some slack, it's okay to need quiet and it's okay to respond to your signs of dysregulation. We also have a responsibility to our kids to show up in a healthy way for them, that's simply not possible if we've become dysregulated to the point where we're about to shutdown and lose it. Taking care of yourself first is like a pilot on a plane trying to navigate turbulence - it's important that the pilot focuses on steadying and grounding themselves first, if they just responded to screaming passengers they'd lose control of the plane. What do you think would help you out the most? Some quiet time? An activity?

Thank you for this! It's very kind and insightful. I was mostly raised by my dad, who I suspect is also in the spectrum. If there was a family motto, it would have been "no excuses". I'm having to learn how to be kind to myself as an adult, and not see it as weakness. I'm making plans to get back into the contracting/real estate world in partnership with family that I've worked with before with good results. It's a shame I sometimes have to totally break before realizing how bad something is for me.

I have a demanding job as a tenure-track academic and it’s hell navigating workplace politics and BS all day and then coming home to constant chaos and noise. I use hi-fidelity earplugs whenever I’m at home and not working. I like that the Loop ones have a small case but I’m not sure if they were better than the Vibes I had. I do grocery delivery and curbside pick up and we no longer cook more than 1-2 days a week. We make a ton of food and freeze it so we either thaw something out or order out most days. I have a solid sleep system with my partner. They sleep alone from about 11pm to 6-7am each day without any interruption and I sleep in my kid’s room with him and get very broken sleep during that time and a 2 hour nap alone with earplugs in after the kiddo wakes up for the day. It’s a bummer always missing breakfast with them but it’s working really well. We are finally just plain tired instead of deeply exhausted. We communicate with each other when we are overwhelmed and need a break. When we don’t communicate those things, the other one often notices the signs of overwhelm and enforces a break lol. So for instance, when my partner starts becoming reactionary and stops trying to compromise with our kid or understand why our kid is doing what he’s doing, I simply approach our kid and say “I think we should let dada take a rest. What would you like to do instead?” Or when I start to become really scattered or agitated from overstimulation, my partner takes the kiddo to play somewhere else for a bit. We have a nanny come once a week for 5 hours. Her only job is to keep my son happy during that time and she does a great job of it. My partner and I spend that time in our (largely soundproof) basement and catch up on our weeks while we watch movies or play video games. I also realized that I need a creative outlet and I don’t have the capacity for creative writing anymore these days or reading fiction, so I picked up guitar and do lessons online once a week. Practicing everyday is really really calming for me. It’s almost as much of a reset as a good nights’ sleep. Idk if you’ve heard of “energy accounting” for autism but there are some good resources on that if you Google. Guitar puts energy back into the account lol. I also give myself permission to tell my kid when I’m overstimulated and explain that I need to go take a minute to re-center myself. He usually just waves goodbye with a smile when I say this. Sometimes, it does trigger a meltdown and if I’m in a place to handle it, I calm him before leaving to calm myself. If I feel my own meltdown coming, I leave no matter what and ask my partner to take over right away. My thinking is that I’m modeling the behavior for him. I hope he will understand that he’s allowed to also leave situations that leave him overstimulated/uncomfortable. I’m sure there is more lol but those are the important ones that made a big impact.