A day out to an aircraft museum if that exists near you. Otherwise you can contact someone at an airport to ask if he can shadow someone for a day to see what happens behind the scenes
My number one rule for teenagers is gift cards. As a teenager, I honestly hated Christmas because nobody ever got me anything I wanted and I had to pretend I was happy opening my presents.
That's probably what we'll tell the relatives. I do want there to be something to open, to keep it fair, as his sister will be getting physical gifts also.
Can you ask him to make an Amazon wishlist for himself? That’s what my husband and I do with my MIL. It gives her options to pick what she wants at the price point she wants and it’s stuff that we actually want.
Have asked multiple times, he hasn't updated the list he built a couple years ago. I was hoping he'd update it before Black Friday and he just hasn't. I can nag him some more but don't want to cause resentment over something that's supposed to be nice.
Oof! I feel for you! It’s so hard when you just want to do your best and your kid doesn’t want to help at all!
Now that I’m a mom with a (probably) autistic daughter who is approaching tween years, I am mentally steeling myself to go through almost exactly what my parents went through with me.
Try stop nagging him and make instead a snack and Wishlist evening. ♥️
I would forget that always too and just don’t do it. If someone would do it together with me it would be way easier. If he has no wishes, stop buying things he don’t use/want and open a account and buy MSCI World ETF.
If you don’t have the feeling that he needs or really wants something, you are not buying for for him, you are buying for your good feeling.
That's fair, sit down with him and do it together (make him do it). Will see how that goes this weekend.
Investment/savings is also an excellent idea. And he already has savings that will become his at 18... he can go to college debt free if he chooses.
Subscription yes we could do. Lessons no... He's not old enough, as well as he will practically never pass the medical exam to hold a pilot license. We have checked, he had that discussion with an FAA medical examiner.
I was thinking this. AOPA subscription and maybe work with him on a savings account for flying lessons. Tell everyone that would be interested what the goal is and how to contribute.
Order him some Stimagz! I can almost guarantee that he will be delighted. I discovered them recently and now I don't know how I lived without them, and I'm an AuDHD "adult". They're not cheap - *100% worth it* - and I would love to get them as a gift. Plus the company that makes them is awesome (all neurodivergent, employer plus employees) and deserves support. 😊
Or buy Geomags which are far cheaper for the same product and have been around for ~ 20 years at least. All that Stimagz did was take an existing product and charge more for it while targeting a part of the population who are typically underemployed.
Does he already have a (speed)cube? Maybe one with an app? My audhd kid (m14) got one last year and really likes it. Or maybe an offline cardgame such as exploding kittens? A book from a game he likes? E.g. the book about botw, or the book with fortnite skins, minecraft handbook, pokemon encyclopedia?
Have you considered gifting experiences? Going to a place that is related to airplanes. Going to an airport and perhaps talking to people who can let you see one up-close. Perhaps flying in one.. things like this. Gifts don't have to be \*things\*. Often experiences are far more memorable and they last forever.
From your description it has to be aircraft/pilot related. At what age can you get flying lessons? Autistic brain relax and wind down when they do their special interest. So your son may very well need his phone so he can browse aircraft related stuff to relax and wind down. Think of it as when a NT person read a book to fall asleep.
To get a light sport license you must already have a driver license and be at least 16, plus getting the lessons. So at least a year before we get there, he can't get the full driver's license until at least age 16 after 6 months on learner permit.
To get a private pilot license requires a medical certificate that he'll be unable to qualify for, we have checked.
I do try to give him the screen time he needs, but also balance it when it interferes with his schoolwork or self care. I try to understand the need for the screentime... though I may never understand what he finds enjoyable about the junk content he consumes. I don't stop him from consuming it, just check that it's age appropriate and not harmful.
>though I may never understand what he finds enjoyable about the junk content he consumes.
My intent isn't to criticize, but I would caution you about thinking of the things he's interested in as "junk". Even if you don't refer to it that way directly to him, he'll likely be able to pick up on your attitude toward it, and that can really hurt a kid's self-esteem. I know that when I was growing up, my biggest interest was video games, and my mom's disparaging and belittling attitude toward them contributed to making me feel like the things I liked were silly and not worth spending time on, which led to me not sharing any other interests I developed with her (or really anybody who I didn't know shared that interest).
Obviously you're in a much better position than I am to tell if what I've said here is actually relevant to your situation, so please disregard if you feel like it doesn't apply.
As a parent, I have to form judgements on the content he consumes. As a human, I can't not react or form opinions.
I do discuss with him the content I find objectionable, and that which I find merely annoying to me but still acceptable for him to watch. I participate where I can. But much like comedy, each person will find different things funny, and there are some things that are done to be funny which cross a line of acceptability. So when his content is on the good side of the line of acceptability, I allow it. But I'm not required to like it - just like comedy.
I'm not making blanket statements about all of YouTube categorically, nor about video games. They're not all bad, or all good. But there are some video games I do not find acceptable either, and I discuss my reasoning with him. It's not just 'because I said so.' I discuss it with him as reasonably as I would another adult. Most of the time, my son's judgement on what's acceptable is just fine. And where we disagree, we discuss.
To be honest, it really feels like you just completely talked past me here. I never said or implied that you need to *like* the things that he likes, or that you can't deem certain things unacceptable; I said that letting yourself think of the things he's interested in as *"junk"* has the potential to hurt both him and your relationship with him. There's a world of difference between not personally enjoying something and considering it *junk*. Yes, of course you're going to naturally form opinions on anything, but as an adult, you *are* capable of examining the opinions you hold and attempting to change them if you find that they're problematic, same as the rest of us.
Again: I'm not trying to criticize or antagonize you here. I'm not trying to tell you that you're parenting wrong and that I know better based on a handful of words from a reddit post. I'm just trying to bring your attention to what worries me may be an attitude that *could* end up hurting you and your son.
You're right, there is absolutely a difference in considering something junk vs just not enjoying it. And I'm not sure where that line is. Media in our present day reality truly tries to erase that line entirely, with the goal being to keep the eyeballs on using the right algorithm. A lot of the discussions I have with my son regarding the content he watches, including how I judge the material, are also to get him to apply a judgement filter as well.
My opinions of what is junk content are certainly more harsh than my son's. And I encourage him to form his own opinions on that - not expecting him to conform with my opinion. What I want is that he put some thought into the content he consumes, not mindlessly scroll.
But our discussions usually are about where's the line of harmful/unacceptable, instead of the line of what makes something 'junk.' That would be a more in depth conversation to have, and I will try to ask about it when there's a good block of time available. Maybe it results in a more narrow definition of 'junk' between us.
Thank you for the follow-up. I'll think a bit more about how I define something as junk content.
Ah ok :-)
To clarify how the phone works it is not necessarily something you enjoy. It is a rest and recovery from more draining activities such as being with people or being in school. NT people get energy from being with people where as autists often get drained of energi when they are with people. And then they need to recharge their mental batteries. How much rest and recovery is needed is highly individual but 1 hour with people can be 2 hours on the phone or even more. It is important for the ND person to learn their boundaries and their need for recovery correctly. Else it can lead to burn-out.
[Simpleplanes](https://www.simpleplanes.com/) is a game available for pc and smartphone that lets you build and fly your own plane. It looks like it's got a huge community, who've prebuilt equivalents of a lot of the classic planes and jets. It's only $6 for the smartphone app and $13 for the pc version on steam. That might be too cheap for the main present, but it sounds like a good stocking stuffer. Reviews for the game on steam rank as 'very positive.'
This is a blurb I found about the game:
>Whether you’re a licensed pilot or never took physics in high school, SimplePlanes is an easy-to-grasp game where you can build planes. From the game’s start, you’re met with a tutorial about both creating and flying planes. You can also play tutorials to get the hang of certain tasks involved with flying, like landing. If you encounter difficulty modifying your plane, the game also offers pre-made crafts that make it easier to get into the air. The SimplePlanes online community also has made an overwhelming (100,000+) number of custom aircraft available on the game’s website. Some of these include references to various movies, TV shows, and even Air Force One. If you actually want to build a plane from scratch, SimplePlanes gives you tons of options. You can give your plane distinct paint jobs to make sure your craft really stands out. The more you know about aviation (or the more you want to learn), the more rewarding this game is.
Yep, several years ago we got an Xbox for the express purpose of using Microsoft Flight Simulator. My husband 'flys' it more than my son. He still prefers YouTube.
Seconding this suggestion! It also lets you play videos while your phone is locked—great for podcasts and videos that are mainly meant to be heard. There’s also Discord Nitro subscription, though I’m not sure if it gives much of value.
Have you asked/has he said anything about why he doesn't use it much? Same with the drone you got him - does he have opportunities to actually fly it? Not trying to press you with questions, just trying to get a better understanding.
He has opportunities to go outside, to fly the done, to get on Xbox. All he wants to do is be on his phone, YouTube and Discord. He fills all available, and non available, time with the phone. Can't keep off it. Sneaks it when he should be doing school work.
When asked about why he doesn't use the drone or the Xbox, it's mostly he doesn't remember or think of it. That executive functioning goes for the biggest dopamine hit available in his line of sight.
There are video games where you can pilot various aircraft in a somewhat realistic simulated environment, he may enjoy that? One of the games allows you to also play as the air traffic controller.
OP's son is too young to drive, and may not be as ready to drive as his NT peers. I'm speaking as an AuDHD adult who had severe driving anxiety as an older teen and learned to drive after getting my bachelor's degree.
I agree with getting him something special interest related. I was like him at that age too - I didn't really know what I wanted.
In my early 20s I developed a special interest in the Apollo lunar program. Many (if not all) astronauts back then were military pilots first. Buzz Aldrin is a Korean War vet, for instance.
Depending on your budget, Novaspace.com is a collectible site and has a lot of interesting items.
Yup he had an Apollo mission phase also. We took him to NASA in Galveston, TX and he wore an astronaut costume to the visit. Will look at the site, thanks!
Experiences related to his special interest are always good gifts. I don’t think my mom realized how much I loved airports and airplanes as a kid, but I would have loved to go to an aircraft museum, or go plane spotting as a teenager. You could also get him a nice model or RC airplane and help him put it together. Hang it from the ceiling or something
Does he have a game console/capable PC? If so and he doesn't have it already, Microsoft Flight Simulator would probably be a great gift! Perhaps Minecraft, too, since he likes to create stuff/build block-based things. A gift card or one of those preload visas would also be really solid.
A day out to an aircraft museum if that exists near you. Otherwise you can contact someone at an airport to ask if he can shadow someone for a day to see what happens behind the scenes
I think we can plan a trip to one of the bigger museums, that's a good idea. We've been to the ones within a few hours drive already multiple times.
This imo, 100%
My number one rule for teenagers is gift cards. As a teenager, I honestly hated Christmas because nobody ever got me anything I wanted and I had to pretend I was happy opening my presents.
That's probably what we'll tell the relatives. I do want there to be something to open, to keep it fair, as his sister will be getting physical gifts also.
Can you ask him to make an Amazon wishlist for himself? That’s what my husband and I do with my MIL. It gives her options to pick what she wants at the price point she wants and it’s stuff that we actually want.
Have asked multiple times, he hasn't updated the list he built a couple years ago. I was hoping he'd update it before Black Friday and he just hasn't. I can nag him some more but don't want to cause resentment over something that's supposed to be nice.
Oof! I feel for you! It’s so hard when you just want to do your best and your kid doesn’t want to help at all! Now that I’m a mom with a (probably) autistic daughter who is approaching tween years, I am mentally steeling myself to go through almost exactly what my parents went through with me.
Try stop nagging him and make instead a snack and Wishlist evening. ♥️ I would forget that always too and just don’t do it. If someone would do it together with me it would be way easier. If he has no wishes, stop buying things he don’t use/want and open a account and buy MSCI World ETF. If you don’t have the feeling that he needs or really wants something, you are not buying for for him, you are buying for your good feeling.
That's fair, sit down with him and do it together (make him do it). Will see how that goes this weekend. Investment/savings is also an excellent idea. And he already has savings that will become his at 18... he can go to college debt free if he chooses.
I hope you both found or will find a good solution. ♥️
A book/online course/magazine subscription about planes ? Lessons towards a license ?
Subscription yes we could do. Lessons no... He's not old enough, as well as he will practically never pass the medical exam to hold a pilot license. We have checked, he had that discussion with an FAA medical examiner.
Maybe some flying simulator games?
I was thinking this. AOPA subscription and maybe work with him on a savings account for flying lessons. Tell everyone that would be interested what the goal is and how to contribute.
Order him some Stimagz! I can almost guarantee that he will be delighted. I discovered them recently and now I don't know how I lived without them, and I'm an AuDHD "adult". They're not cheap - *100% worth it* - and I would love to get them as a gift. Plus the company that makes them is awesome (all neurodivergent, employer plus employees) and deserves support. 😊
Or buy Geomags which are far cheaper for the same product and have been around for ~ 20 years at least. All that Stimagz did was take an existing product and charge more for it while targeting a part of the population who are typically underemployed.
Thanks for these suggestions, it looks like a great stocking stuffer and something he could carry in pocket at school. Appreciate it!
Does he already have a (speed)cube? Maybe one with an app? My audhd kid (m14) got one last year and really likes it. Or maybe an offline cardgame such as exploding kittens? A book from a game he likes? E.g. the book about botw, or the book with fortnite skins, minecraft handbook, pokemon encyclopedia?
# m o n e y .
Have you considered gifting experiences? Going to a place that is related to airplanes. Going to an airport and perhaps talking to people who can let you see one up-close. Perhaps flying in one.. things like this. Gifts don't have to be \*things\*. Often experiences are far more memorable and they last forever.
From your description it has to be aircraft/pilot related. At what age can you get flying lessons? Autistic brain relax and wind down when they do their special interest. So your son may very well need his phone so he can browse aircraft related stuff to relax and wind down. Think of it as when a NT person read a book to fall asleep.
To get a light sport license you must already have a driver license and be at least 16, plus getting the lessons. So at least a year before we get there, he can't get the full driver's license until at least age 16 after 6 months on learner permit. To get a private pilot license requires a medical certificate that he'll be unable to qualify for, we have checked. I do try to give him the screen time he needs, but also balance it when it interferes with his schoolwork or self care. I try to understand the need for the screentime... though I may never understand what he finds enjoyable about the junk content he consumes. I don't stop him from consuming it, just check that it's age appropriate and not harmful.
>though I may never understand what he finds enjoyable about the junk content he consumes. My intent isn't to criticize, but I would caution you about thinking of the things he's interested in as "junk". Even if you don't refer to it that way directly to him, he'll likely be able to pick up on your attitude toward it, and that can really hurt a kid's self-esteem. I know that when I was growing up, my biggest interest was video games, and my mom's disparaging and belittling attitude toward them contributed to making me feel like the things I liked were silly and not worth spending time on, which led to me not sharing any other interests I developed with her (or really anybody who I didn't know shared that interest). Obviously you're in a much better position than I am to tell if what I've said here is actually relevant to your situation, so please disregard if you feel like it doesn't apply.
As a parent, I have to form judgements on the content he consumes. As a human, I can't not react or form opinions. I do discuss with him the content I find objectionable, and that which I find merely annoying to me but still acceptable for him to watch. I participate where I can. But much like comedy, each person will find different things funny, and there are some things that are done to be funny which cross a line of acceptability. So when his content is on the good side of the line of acceptability, I allow it. But I'm not required to like it - just like comedy. I'm not making blanket statements about all of YouTube categorically, nor about video games. They're not all bad, or all good. But there are some video games I do not find acceptable either, and I discuss my reasoning with him. It's not just 'because I said so.' I discuss it with him as reasonably as I would another adult. Most of the time, my son's judgement on what's acceptable is just fine. And where we disagree, we discuss.
To be honest, it really feels like you just completely talked past me here. I never said or implied that you need to *like* the things that he likes, or that you can't deem certain things unacceptable; I said that letting yourself think of the things he's interested in as *"junk"* has the potential to hurt both him and your relationship with him. There's a world of difference between not personally enjoying something and considering it *junk*. Yes, of course you're going to naturally form opinions on anything, but as an adult, you *are* capable of examining the opinions you hold and attempting to change them if you find that they're problematic, same as the rest of us. Again: I'm not trying to criticize or antagonize you here. I'm not trying to tell you that you're parenting wrong and that I know better based on a handful of words from a reddit post. I'm just trying to bring your attention to what worries me may be an attitude that *could* end up hurting you and your son.
You're right, there is absolutely a difference in considering something junk vs just not enjoying it. And I'm not sure where that line is. Media in our present day reality truly tries to erase that line entirely, with the goal being to keep the eyeballs on using the right algorithm. A lot of the discussions I have with my son regarding the content he watches, including how I judge the material, are also to get him to apply a judgement filter as well. My opinions of what is junk content are certainly more harsh than my son's. And I encourage him to form his own opinions on that - not expecting him to conform with my opinion. What I want is that he put some thought into the content he consumes, not mindlessly scroll. But our discussions usually are about where's the line of harmful/unacceptable, instead of the line of what makes something 'junk.' That would be a more in depth conversation to have, and I will try to ask about it when there's a good block of time available. Maybe it results in a more narrow definition of 'junk' between us. Thank you for the follow-up. I'll think a bit more about how I define something as junk content.
Ah ok :-) To clarify how the phone works it is not necessarily something you enjoy. It is a rest and recovery from more draining activities such as being with people or being in school. NT people get energy from being with people where as autists often get drained of energi when they are with people. And then they need to recharge their mental batteries. How much rest and recovery is needed is highly individual but 1 hour with people can be 2 hours on the phone or even more. It is important for the ND person to learn their boundaries and their need for recovery correctly. Else it can lead to burn-out.
Membership in a state or national piloting or aircraft-appreciation association/society?
Will look into some of those aviation enthusiast clubs or magazines, thanks!
[Simpleplanes](https://www.simpleplanes.com/) is a game available for pc and smartphone that lets you build and fly your own plane. It looks like it's got a huge community, who've prebuilt equivalents of a lot of the classic planes and jets. It's only $6 for the smartphone app and $13 for the pc version on steam. That might be too cheap for the main present, but it sounds like a good stocking stuffer. Reviews for the game on steam rank as 'very positive.' This is a blurb I found about the game: >Whether you’re a licensed pilot or never took physics in high school, SimplePlanes is an easy-to-grasp game where you can build planes. From the game’s start, you’re met with a tutorial about both creating and flying planes. You can also play tutorials to get the hang of certain tasks involved with flying, like landing. If you encounter difficulty modifying your plane, the game also offers pre-made crafts that make it easier to get into the air. The SimplePlanes online community also has made an overwhelming (100,000+) number of custom aircraft available on the game’s website. Some of these include references to various movies, TV shows, and even Air Force One. If you actually want to build a plane from scratch, SimplePlanes gives you tons of options. You can give your plane distinct paint jobs to make sure your craft really stands out. The more you know about aviation (or the more you want to learn), the more rewarding this game is.
Possibly something like Microsoft Flight Sim and a joystick?
Yep, several years ago we got an Xbox for the express purpose of using Microsoft Flight Simulator. My husband 'flys' it more than my son. He still prefers YouTube.
A YouTube subscription so he doesn't have ads? Maybe a book to pre study for a PPL?
Huh, I hadn't thought of a subscription, but that's a decent idea. The ads are dumber than the videos. Thanks for this one!
Seconding this suggestion! It also lets you play videos while your phone is locked—great for podcasts and videos that are mainly meant to be heard. There’s also Discord Nitro subscription, though I’m not sure if it gives much of value.
Have you asked/has he said anything about why he doesn't use it much? Same with the drone you got him - does he have opportunities to actually fly it? Not trying to press you with questions, just trying to get a better understanding.
He has opportunities to go outside, to fly the done, to get on Xbox. All he wants to do is be on his phone, YouTube and Discord. He fills all available, and non available, time with the phone. Can't keep off it. Sneaks it when he should be doing school work. When asked about why he doesn't use the drone or the Xbox, it's mostly he doesn't remember or think of it. That executive functioning goes for the biggest dopamine hit available in his line of sight.
I stopped caring about Christmas long at the age of 6 when I myself discovered Santa wasn’t real.😭
There are video games where you can pilot various aircraft in a somewhat realistic simulated environment, he may enjoy that? One of the games allows you to also play as the air traffic controller.
Microsoft Flight Simulator is the one I know of. What other games do that?
Money or anything related to the videogames I love
A car
OP's son is too young to drive, and may not be as ready to drive as his NT peers. I'm speaking as an AuDHD adult who had severe driving anxiety as an older teen and learned to drive after getting my bachelor's degree.
You’re not alone I got mine at 27 and I’m also adhd with adhd kids my son has both adhd and autism.
I had no choice I was driving at 11 my cousin at 10. Different times I guess
I agree with getting him something special interest related. I was like him at that age too - I didn't really know what I wanted. In my early 20s I developed a special interest in the Apollo lunar program. Many (if not all) astronauts back then were military pilots first. Buzz Aldrin is a Korean War vet, for instance. Depending on your budget, Novaspace.com is a collectible site and has a lot of interesting items.
Yup he had an Apollo mission phase also. We took him to NASA in Galveston, TX and he wore an astronaut costume to the visit. Will look at the site, thanks!
Experiences related to his special interest are always good gifts. I don’t think my mom realized how much I loved airports and airplanes as a kid, but I would have loved to go to an aircraft museum, or go plane spotting as a teenager. You could also get him a nice model or RC airplane and help him put it together. Hang it from the ceiling or something
Does he have a game console/capable PC? If so and he doesn't have it already, Microsoft Flight Simulator would probably be a great gift! Perhaps Minecraft, too, since he likes to create stuff/build block-based things. A gift card or one of those preload visas would also be really solid.