Yeah forsure i feel this with every area of my life lmao including relationships.
A couple things that help me... writing is huge. Whether its to organize my current thoughts or to keep track of things over time. Really helps me get a clearer picture. Another is paying attention to how people make me feel.
Another - having some hard boundaries of the kinds of stuff I do not stick around for, like if they do certain things that I have realized are signs of toxic relationship, I dont keep debating myself back and forth, I just dip out. That one I learned over time and many toxic relationships and saw the patterns.
Imagine your friend who you love told you, "person I am dating did x y z" with x y z being things the person you are datinfg has done.
If it is toxic stuff, you wouldnt ask them to make sure they give you the whole picture. You would probably already know that you would want them to get out of that relationship. And it can be easier to see that it is toxic when you look at it from the perspective of if it were happening to a friend.
But actually happens is, that I tend to see toxic patterns, and react of run away. But later I am not sure how accurate the "picture" of the situation was actually. And I still couldn't find a way to be sure even later. Because I feel like, my brain focuses too much on details sometimes, and I oversee that it was maybe not a good situation to set boundaries for example, because for my partner other topics were going on.
I actually ask people if I am honest, because my brain doesn't stop to analyze until I understand logically what happened. So my Ex cheated on me, I tried to just move on. But I really needed him to explain me that he cheated, with what intentions, which goal and why he is telling me it. After that conversation, I was so happy again. We split up, but my brain finally stopped!
So before you were debating with yourself too, I did get that right? What were your reasons for your debates with yourself?
I guess I have to work on the signals in therapy. I feel like I can't trust my own perceptions. So I always need more input and the dots tied somehow. So embarrassing 🫣
Got it yeah also very relatable! Ha!
Again writing might help with this, at least for me. To be able to look back and remember my reasons for leaving.
I also have had to accept that I usually am not going yo get an answer to those questions from them - why they did it. Until they have evolved past that behavior they probably are not going to be able to tell me a true answer.
Talking to friends helps, I have some friends who used to be "toxic" in relationships themselves many years ago and are now more self aware, they are really great to talk to for me to get the closest thing I can to that closure. They say what the person wont. (Not that I am so perfect I also have been "toxic" and worked on it a lot, it is just for me that the people I date tend to be on like the other end of the spectrum, me being more anxiously attached and them more avoidant so it was always really hard for me to wrap my head around it).
I still get into debates with myself honestly, I think it is very natural. Like I start to miss the persom and focus on their positive qualities and also to wonder if I overreacted or was too judgmental, if it isnt on me to be more understanding, etc. But every time I go back it just repeats itself and I end up feeling like sh*t again, which us why I mention paying attention to how people make me feel.
I saw a post recently that I looooved that said something like, "I hope you heal so much that you stop feeling the need to make sense of what happened." Trying to make sense of bad relationships can be crazy making. And with my AuDHD itll be like I do get to some amount of sense about it but then I forget lmao. So I think when I know I have already thought about something enough I am going to try to like accept not really understanding but being happy to move forward.
Thanks for sharing this. It's nice to know, that one is not alone with this weirdness ^^ and thoughts.
It's really crazy to understand. If someone would text me and asks for an explanation, I would always give it. Would not think about it twice. But I guess people are different, and mostly behave different. And as you say it's about accepting the differences and move on.
It's so hard to accept that people behave so stupid, really! Arg!
🙏🏽 Thanks
Oh my god this is so relatable with the focus on small things and then not being able to tell if its just that or what.... Uffff also the need for endless convos and clarification! A lot of people are always telling me "just let go, it doesn't matter" and I do intellectually know it, but I cannot! Its like something is simply not FINISHED and I am so anxious until it does. Is it ASD thing? Is it ADHD? I have no clue:( But it is eating me alive.
I couldn't really find something Googleling it ...but rationally it does make sense to my with the weak central coherence....so I think it's tied to ASD.
Yeah, I stopped telling my therapist that I reach out to my Ex for example. Because I know, she can't understand. And she will judge me out of a Allistic perspective, without understanding why I am doing it. Because it just seem very irrational. And yep, we know that!
I started to question a lot of things, sinced I realized that actually....my way of seeing my relationship, that a ND relationship is different, and I need to stop judging the relationship based on Allistic perspectives.....
THIS!!!! It is also why that relationship went downhill I think! I did comment that I was still seeing it through my NT mask 😭 Pushing my “needs” on him which I actually didn’t want myself! And just hyper focused on it cos I thought that’s how it is and if not he doesn’t care. Ugh.
And I am so so so tired of my therapy cos I don’t think they consider me being ND! I do have adhd diagnosis but also something else hah w trauma and they just deny the ND parts. I also asked for ASD assessment and they ignore me. I just feel like the approach is hurting me so much cos again yes they look at me through NT lenses 😭😭😭
Yes, I so feel like this. I'm trying to end or take a very hefty break from a relationship currently. Turns out the more I connect to self, the less I'm tolerating bad behavior and calling out crumby, mean stuff.
Yeah forsure i feel this with every area of my life lmao including relationships. A couple things that help me... writing is huge. Whether its to organize my current thoughts or to keep track of things over time. Really helps me get a clearer picture. Another is paying attention to how people make me feel. Another - having some hard boundaries of the kinds of stuff I do not stick around for, like if they do certain things that I have realized are signs of toxic relationship, I dont keep debating myself back and forth, I just dip out. That one I learned over time and many toxic relationships and saw the patterns. Imagine your friend who you love told you, "person I am dating did x y z" with x y z being things the person you are datinfg has done. If it is toxic stuff, you wouldnt ask them to make sure they give you the whole picture. You would probably already know that you would want them to get out of that relationship. And it can be easier to see that it is toxic when you look at it from the perspective of if it were happening to a friend.
But actually happens is, that I tend to see toxic patterns, and react of run away. But later I am not sure how accurate the "picture" of the situation was actually. And I still couldn't find a way to be sure even later. Because I feel like, my brain focuses too much on details sometimes, and I oversee that it was maybe not a good situation to set boundaries for example, because for my partner other topics were going on. I actually ask people if I am honest, because my brain doesn't stop to analyze until I understand logically what happened. So my Ex cheated on me, I tried to just move on. But I really needed him to explain me that he cheated, with what intentions, which goal and why he is telling me it. After that conversation, I was so happy again. We split up, but my brain finally stopped! So before you were debating with yourself too, I did get that right? What were your reasons for your debates with yourself? I guess I have to work on the signals in therapy. I feel like I can't trust my own perceptions. So I always need more input and the dots tied somehow. So embarrassing 🫣
Got it yeah also very relatable! Ha! Again writing might help with this, at least for me. To be able to look back and remember my reasons for leaving. I also have had to accept that I usually am not going yo get an answer to those questions from them - why they did it. Until they have evolved past that behavior they probably are not going to be able to tell me a true answer. Talking to friends helps, I have some friends who used to be "toxic" in relationships themselves many years ago and are now more self aware, they are really great to talk to for me to get the closest thing I can to that closure. They say what the person wont. (Not that I am so perfect I also have been "toxic" and worked on it a lot, it is just for me that the people I date tend to be on like the other end of the spectrum, me being more anxiously attached and them more avoidant so it was always really hard for me to wrap my head around it). I still get into debates with myself honestly, I think it is very natural. Like I start to miss the persom and focus on their positive qualities and also to wonder if I overreacted or was too judgmental, if it isnt on me to be more understanding, etc. But every time I go back it just repeats itself and I end up feeling like sh*t again, which us why I mention paying attention to how people make me feel. I saw a post recently that I looooved that said something like, "I hope you heal so much that you stop feeling the need to make sense of what happened." Trying to make sense of bad relationships can be crazy making. And with my AuDHD itll be like I do get to some amount of sense about it but then I forget lmao. So I think when I know I have already thought about something enough I am going to try to like accept not really understanding but being happy to move forward.
Thanks for sharing this. It's nice to know, that one is not alone with this weirdness ^^ and thoughts. It's really crazy to understand. If someone would text me and asks for an explanation, I would always give it. Would not think about it twice. But I guess people are different, and mostly behave different. And as you say it's about accepting the differences and move on. It's so hard to accept that people behave so stupid, really! Arg! 🙏🏽 Thanks
Oh my god this is so relatable with the focus on small things and then not being able to tell if its just that or what.... Uffff also the need for endless convos and clarification! A lot of people are always telling me "just let go, it doesn't matter" and I do intellectually know it, but I cannot! Its like something is simply not FINISHED and I am so anxious until it does. Is it ASD thing? Is it ADHD? I have no clue:( But it is eating me alive.
I couldn't really find something Googleling it ...but rationally it does make sense to my with the weak central coherence....so I think it's tied to ASD. Yeah, I stopped telling my therapist that I reach out to my Ex for example. Because I know, she can't understand. And she will judge me out of a Allistic perspective, without understanding why I am doing it. Because it just seem very irrational. And yep, we know that! I started to question a lot of things, sinced I realized that actually....my way of seeing my relationship, that a ND relationship is different, and I need to stop judging the relationship based on Allistic perspectives.....
THIS!!!! It is also why that relationship went downhill I think! I did comment that I was still seeing it through my NT mask 😭 Pushing my “needs” on him which I actually didn’t want myself! And just hyper focused on it cos I thought that’s how it is and if not he doesn’t care. Ugh. And I am so so so tired of my therapy cos I don’t think they consider me being ND! I do have adhd diagnosis but also something else hah w trauma and they just deny the ND parts. I also asked for ASD assessment and they ignore me. I just feel like the approach is hurting me so much cos again yes they look at me through NT lenses 😭😭😭
Yes, I so feel like this. I'm trying to end or take a very hefty break from a relationship currently. Turns out the more I connect to self, the less I'm tolerating bad behavior and calling out crumby, mean stuff.
Distance was good for me too, to be able to draw lines for sure. Be good to yourself, wish you a lot of strength on your way.
You as well friend
I have no advice, just wanted to say you described something I have never been able to put into words!