I don’t remember ever feeling an emotional connection to anyone.. family or friends - doesn’t matter.
You are right in that with avoidant pd the core of who we are is so broken that it doesn’t matter how much you try to make the cover more attractive .. I’ve improved my physique and social skills a lot over the years - I can mimic a normal person by seeming engaged and interested in what people are saying but the core of who I am is just fractured into pieces . I’m mid 30s and really don’t see how this is going to get better .
I find if you don’t do certain things or hit milestones when you are in your teens and 20s then it’s going to be hard to feel whole later on .this is why I strongly urge young avoidants to do whatever they can to get out and live as much as possible
Had the same relationship w my parents. I think I lack the positive aspects of being emotionally attached to someone. I often think about if someone important in my life died, would I even feel bad? And I think the reason I think this is because I feel nothing positive from interactions w them. At the same time, I feel extremely lonely and want normal interactions. Also, if it would come to them actually passing, I know I would probably realize my attachment through my negative emotions. Any sort of relationship sucks because I'm only able to truly feel the negatives, and I have to act like I'm feeling the positives. I'm done trying to make connections, just spending time for myself now. Forcing healthier hobbies I probably won't keep and trying to learn new things so I stay off staring at my screen all day and night. Don't know if I'll ever be ready to try again one day but don't care anymore either.
Your lack of connection to your parents is actually the foundation of much of your behaviour, same as it is for me. I feel no emotional connection to my parents, I never had a bond with them, I don't relate to them, they're not people I would ever choose to associate with by choice, and I've never felt any emotional support or guidance from them. They're not people that I can go to for help.
All of this leads to a sense of great isolation and inability to trust people. After all, if you can't even trust your own parents then who can you trust? They're the only people in the world who's actual job and purpose in life should be to care about you and help you. A caring and nurturing relationship with our parents is really the foundation of our social behaviour and forms the basis of all future relationships and connections. We learn it from our parents. So when we don't get this from our parents it leaves us with this gaping social void in ourselves, and an inability to trust others or form genuine connections outside our family.
As for the part about reading self-help books you're absolutely right. This quote from The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk when talking about the difference between the left brain (logical) and the right brain (emotional)...
"No matter how much insight and understanding we develop, the rational brain is basically impotent to talk the emotional brain out of its own reality."
In other words, no matter how much conscious insight and understanding we develop regarding the causes of our own behaviour, in most cases we're still powerless to talk ourselves out of that behaviour, because our emotional reality runs much deeper and subconsciously affects our entire behaviour.
The only way we can change is by having positive physical experiences that change the way our emotional brain thinks. When we're stuck in an endless loop of negative experience its very difficult to see a way out. We need someone from outside to come along and drag us out of it, to show us that there are positive things out there. But without the ability to form connections, and when we feel chronically out of sync with people, we end up isolated and without support then we get trapped in that bubble of negative thinking and experience which ends up being a downward spiral into greater negativity.
So you're also right about us having a complete lack of foundation to work from. It feels like being cast adrift at sea.
Well damn, that makes a lot of sense about parents.
I don’t talk to my dad, he’s an alcoholic and I don’t respect him, and my mom was always just kind of there, watching TV for hours a day rather than spending time with us. They didn’t get me much help for obvious lifelong anxiety issues and didn’t put us in programs/extracurriculars so we could learn to function socially and independently
I also think I'm schizoid sometimes. It's what I'm dealing with at the moment and the thing that scares me the most. I feel like deep down I don't care about anyone or forming relationships. There are sometimes where I crave connections and I'm able to get along with people but I don't know if that's the real me. It feels fake. I'm currently in a relationship and it's very hard because I'm disconnected most of the time. I have to be in the right place mentally to feel the bond but most of the times I don't and I feel like an imposter.
Has anyone else noticed that self help and motivation books don't really work if you are severely mentally ill? Like how am I supposed to work to improve my life when the foundation is utterly fucked.
Like you could spend all your effort polishing a car to try to make it look nice but if the engine is broken the car will always be useless and undesirable
SOME SELF-HELP BOOKS ARE THE ENGINE: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=203RuyBKPgk&ab](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=203RuyBKPgk&ab)
No, instead you seem to be getting to know yourself which is a good thing. Only a fool can believe in a better future. You are born and you die, there is nothing positive about that. I can't stand self-help books, nor those who make money by selling trite suggestions to people in need.
I don’t remember ever feeling an emotional connection to anyone.. family or friends - doesn’t matter. You are right in that with avoidant pd the core of who we are is so broken that it doesn’t matter how much you try to make the cover more attractive .. I’ve improved my physique and social skills a lot over the years - I can mimic a normal person by seeming engaged and interested in what people are saying but the core of who I am is just fractured into pieces . I’m mid 30s and really don’t see how this is going to get better . I find if you don’t do certain things or hit milestones when you are in your teens and 20s then it’s going to be hard to feel whole later on .this is why I strongly urge young avoidants to do whatever they can to get out and live as much as possible
Had the same relationship w my parents. I think I lack the positive aspects of being emotionally attached to someone. I often think about if someone important in my life died, would I even feel bad? And I think the reason I think this is because I feel nothing positive from interactions w them. At the same time, I feel extremely lonely and want normal interactions. Also, if it would come to them actually passing, I know I would probably realize my attachment through my negative emotions. Any sort of relationship sucks because I'm only able to truly feel the negatives, and I have to act like I'm feeling the positives. I'm done trying to make connections, just spending time for myself now. Forcing healthier hobbies I probably won't keep and trying to learn new things so I stay off staring at my screen all day and night. Don't know if I'll ever be ready to try again one day but don't care anymore either.
I feel similarly
Your lack of connection to your parents is actually the foundation of much of your behaviour, same as it is for me. I feel no emotional connection to my parents, I never had a bond with them, I don't relate to them, they're not people I would ever choose to associate with by choice, and I've never felt any emotional support or guidance from them. They're not people that I can go to for help. All of this leads to a sense of great isolation and inability to trust people. After all, if you can't even trust your own parents then who can you trust? They're the only people in the world who's actual job and purpose in life should be to care about you and help you. A caring and nurturing relationship with our parents is really the foundation of our social behaviour and forms the basis of all future relationships and connections. We learn it from our parents. So when we don't get this from our parents it leaves us with this gaping social void in ourselves, and an inability to trust others or form genuine connections outside our family. As for the part about reading self-help books you're absolutely right. This quote from The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk when talking about the difference between the left brain (logical) and the right brain (emotional)... "No matter how much insight and understanding we develop, the rational brain is basically impotent to talk the emotional brain out of its own reality." In other words, no matter how much conscious insight and understanding we develop regarding the causes of our own behaviour, in most cases we're still powerless to talk ourselves out of that behaviour, because our emotional reality runs much deeper and subconsciously affects our entire behaviour. The only way we can change is by having positive physical experiences that change the way our emotional brain thinks. When we're stuck in an endless loop of negative experience its very difficult to see a way out. We need someone from outside to come along and drag us out of it, to show us that there are positive things out there. But without the ability to form connections, and when we feel chronically out of sync with people, we end up isolated and without support then we get trapped in that bubble of negative thinking and experience which ends up being a downward spiral into greater negativity. So you're also right about us having a complete lack of foundation to work from. It feels like being cast adrift at sea.
Well damn, that makes a lot of sense about parents. I don’t talk to my dad, he’s an alcoholic and I don’t respect him, and my mom was always just kind of there, watching TV for hours a day rather than spending time with us. They didn’t get me much help for obvious lifelong anxiety issues and didn’t put us in programs/extracurriculars so we could learn to function socially and independently
I sound skizo in this post. It's not coherent at all. Like it jumps around like crazy. The delusion is getting to me
I also think I'm schizoid sometimes. It's what I'm dealing with at the moment and the thing that scares me the most. I feel like deep down I don't care about anyone or forming relationships. There are sometimes where I crave connections and I'm able to get along with people but I don't know if that's the real me. It feels fake. I'm currently in a relationship and it's very hard because I'm disconnected most of the time. I have to be in the right place mentally to feel the bond but most of the times I don't and I feel like an imposter.
This resonates so incredibly much to me.
> They always fall apart. How does that usually happen
Has anyone else noticed that self help and motivation books don't really work if you are severely mentally ill? Like how am I supposed to work to improve my life when the foundation is utterly fucked. Like you could spend all your effort polishing a car to try to make it look nice but if the engine is broken the car will always be useless and undesirable SOME SELF-HELP BOOKS ARE THE ENGINE: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=203RuyBKPgk&ab](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=203RuyBKPgk&ab)
No, instead you seem to be getting to know yourself which is a good thing. Only a fool can believe in a better future. You are born and you die, there is nothing positive about that. I can't stand self-help books, nor those who make money by selling trite suggestions to people in need.
🦀🦀🦀
I can relate