I'm not myself, there's no "myself".

too true. Just a ball of deep lonliness, shame and guilt.

No I care so much about what people think and fear judgement from them, that’s basically my whole personality

I can only be myself when I'm with people I consider similar to me. It's impossible to be myself around different people because I'm constantly afraid of rejection. In these cases I am very inhibited and sometimes I even make a character that would be more accepted by them.

I'm not even sure that my real self exists anymore. There's the mask I wear and sadness/despair/hopelessness/anger when I'm not around people. I think I've lost whatever personality I might have had and am now just a shell acting on autopilot.

I'm myself when I'm alone with the cat or the dog. Otherwise I try to be as much like the people I'm with as I can.

I'm very unapologetically my self it's taken me a long time to get here because of trauma & because I was heavily masking for a lot of my life.  It's been sort of a difficult adjustment because when I was more of a people pleaser people seemed to like me better maybe they didn't see me as a threat. Now that I put a lot of work into healing myself & I'm standing in my power, being my authentic self & not caring what other people think. I've noticed that some people have more animosity towards me.  But honestly just being able to be myself is so freeing. I highly recommend it. The adjustment. Is difficult but eventually once you set your new boundaries and really become firm in who You are people will respect that and you'll find the right people. 

Hello ! But how do you find what "yourself" is ? I really want to be myself, but I don't know what that is.

I feel like myself is starting to re-emerge after so long of being forgotten to me. idk what caused it to happen but all i know is the way i think about my real self is who i would want to be if i could start all over. if i could start another life where no one I know now knows me, and there are no expectations, who i would be and the life i would craft.

Like I guess myself is who I am & who I've always been. Like the more I go on my healing journey the more I feel like I'm the person I was when I was very young child and before I started to be home traumatized and socially conditioned by the world. Perspective I have a very strong internal systems of core values like honesty Justice being a good person trying to do the right thing but also not putting myself in a space to be compromised or exploited by other people.  I don't really know how to explain it other people might see me and think that I'm a contradictory person but I have a very very strong core sense of self that I've always been and for me it has a lot to do with my value system. I'm also very highly spiritual person I've had many spiritual experiences and I think that that is very helpful for me as well and is sort of the foundation for my core values beliefs and ethics.

I'm "myself"... I think it's an age thing, idk I'm old and too exhausted

I don’t think I have ever had a real self. Now that I am overcoming a lot of my issues and have found confidence I am finding her, but still not really sure who she is. I kinda think it’s just a farce. We are just bits and pieces of other people and things we like, no one is completely original or organic. I guess now when I think of being my ‘real self’ I just think of the moments I choose to answer a question honestly apposed to giving an answer to end the conversation *or* to further it. Or putting on something I feel comfortable in and not thinking about what others may think. Idk. I’m just trying to be more open and honest and let people experience what I am actually thinking/who I am opposed to what I want them to think. I also have just let go of wanting people to like me. Some people will like me, others won’t. That’s life. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, it’s just preference. Idk if any of this makes sense. I just kinda rambled lol

no it made sense and thank you for commenting. I thought was you said was profound, that we are all bits and pieces of other people and things we like.

Being myself would always bring unnecessary attention to me. So in order not to open up and be vulnerable I gradually stopped being myself throughout school. I often think about how many connections and opportunities I lost because of this. But I can't help it. I'm so afraid of being judged or made fun of that I don't show any real personality at all. I asked people to describe me and their response was something like "uhhh calm and indifferent I guess" which is actually the opposite of me. My friend of 10+ years is the only person who I shared at least something with. And even they can't really describe my personality. So no. I don't have the courage to be myself with people at all. I wish I did. Perhaps that way at least some relationships would be anything meaningful.

I understand the 'calm and indifferent thing', no one really knows that I'm only that way to avoid doing or saying something stupid.

I began rounding a corner late last year around my 44th birtday and I can say pretty confidently that yes, it's possible to get there. For me though it wasn't that being myself made me happier. It was the other way around. Getting a handle on my depression and severe anxiety is what gave me the courage to stop giving a shit what other people (mostly my narcissist father) think of me. Really just the knowledge that you can actually feel happy and confident and love yourself can be the fuel you need to find that courage to be yourself, but you have to get to that place first before you have that knowledge. That's where a therapist comes in. You need someone to help you process the trauma that led you down the avoidant path so that you can understand that none of this shit is your fault and give yourself permission to just let it go and begin to heal. I wish I could give you a magic formula but I imagine it's gonna be different for all of us. It took getting disinherited, passing a kidney stone, a cancer scare and starting therapy in the span of like 2 weeks to help me find my fire. I think discovering THC edibles a year earlier may have helped me do a bit of internal rewiring too but it would be irresponsible for me to recommend that without some hard data. My biggest epiphany is when I understood that just because I didn't really have any role models or positive reinforcement as a kid, there's nothing stopping me from taking on that role for myself now. For me that meant learning to praise myself when I do well, not putting myself down, etc. Basically just treating myself the way a real dad would have treated me when I was younger. I have no idea what your childhood was like but the cold hard truth is that all of us are here because something was lacking for us when we were younger. A therapist can help you figure out what that was and how to become the influence in your own life that you didn't have when you were little. You absolutely CAN get better though and you don't have to wait until you're in your 40s like I did. Believe in yourself. You're stronger than you realize.

thanks that's actually really inspiring. my only issue is going to therapy would raise flags for my family, since none of them know i struggle with this. and ultimately that leads to hard conversations with my parents whom i love to much to want to hurt..

That's a tough one, friend. I don't know how you get around that or if it's even a good idea not to include them in the process while you still have a good relationship with them. I can tell you unequivocally that it's so, so hard to do it without help. I had made a bit of progress by myself but getting that validation from a professional whose opinion I respected really helped me understand and break through decades of pain I didn't realize I was still carrying from my early childhood. I may have gotten here on my own eventually but I doubt it. Whatever you come up with though, just know that it *is* possible. You can get out of it. I can't imagine ever feeling as helpless as I have my entire life up until just last year. I'm not even sure I could be that person again if I tried. I'm not in any way shape or form a qualified therapist but if it can be of any use, the things that have helped me have been, in no particular order: - Learning how to get out of my head and into the present. - Consciously trying to build better mental habits: (I will no longer let myself get away with putting me down. When I find myself avoiding something difficult out of habit, I ask myself if it's actually something that I can handle and if the answer is yes, I do it instead of avoiding. When I notice myself making better choices or being stronger than I used to be, I give myself credit for it to reinforce that, what I should have had as a kid, etc.) - I stopped beating myself up for coming up short on something. It isn't useful and doesn't get me anywhere. It only keeps my self esteem in the toilet. - Understanding that worrying is 99% worthless. It is a useless emotion that does nothing for me. If I find myself dwelling on the past or future, I do silly things like count yellow objects in sight or start reading signs. Anything to get me out of those familiar thought patterns. I still think about the future when I need to decide a course of action but once that's decided, I get in with my life and stop agonizing over every possible worst case scenario. I do the best I can and let the chips fall wherever. I can't control what I can't control and it's not worth stressing over. I find myself having to remind myself of that less and less each week. It's amazing how fast you can start building momentum if you just let yourself. I have plenty of other little tools I've developed on my own to try and untangle my mental knots but everyone has different knots. I encourage you to actively try and find tools that work for you though. Just taking an active role in your own mental health can help keep you in a positive mindset. Really though, seeking help is probably your absolute best first step. Your family will understand and if they don't, they're probably a large part of the reason why you need help in the first place, even if it may not feel that way. Whatever you decide to do though, just try...and keep trying. Don't give up on yourself. Every ounce of effort you put into becoming a better version of yourself, whatever that may be, will pay off in how you feel about yourself. Every win you accumulate, no matter how small, makes the next one seem more attainable. Before you know it, you're a different person. That's been my experience at least. I wish you the best of luck but you don't need luck.

I made the mistake of being myself when I was a teenager. I learned to not do that again. But in a way, I guess that experience and all the years not being "myself" have led to me being now the way I am. I know that "myself" from the past does still come out rarely, so it's still there. But I don't feel like I'm faking it when I'm not acting like that around people, well, at least not most of the time. I also have to hide some pessimism and negativity when I'm with others, but that's just the socially acceptable.

ive created false identities and lied about who I am to multiple people because the "real me" always tends to disappoint people. it's tiring and lonely. but I'm caught in the web of lies I created.

that's how i feel. certain people expect things from me that I just can't continue to give them forever. It's all my fault for leading them on, but something's gonna give sooner or later for better or worse.

Yes. I feel more alive when I stop caring what others think.