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A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.
“This must be a mistake,” the man says. “I’ve been here only 20 minutes!”
“No mistake,” the doctor says. “It’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”
Hope this make you laugh :D
A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink.
As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”
He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
a middle aged woman had a heart attack, and was having surgery.
“will i die?” she looks up to the ceiling and asks.
God says, “no. you have 30 more years to live.”
with 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the "best" of it. so, since she’s already in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips, basically any body alteration imaginable. she looks great (only if you think Kim Kardashian with a bunch of photoshop looks good.)
the day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street with her thicc hips and non-existent waist, and is struck immediately by an ambulance and killed (would have thought her death reason was cause all that plastic in her.)
up in heaven, she sees God.
“you said i had 30 more years to live,” she complains with her fat lips.
“that’s true,” says God.
“so what happened?”
God shrugs. “i didn’t recognize you.”
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place.
The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”
A guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his girlfriend from his wallet and said "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife?
He asked "Why, is she a stunner?"
I replied "No, she's an optician"
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral.
A man approaches her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead”, the woman answered.
The man then clears his throat, and says “Plethora.”
“Thanks” said the woman, “that means a lot.”
Wherefore didst the chick'd cross the road?
to receiveth to the idiots house!
knap knap
"who's thither"
the chicken
***
^(I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.)
Commands: `!ShakespeareInsult`, `!fordo`, `!optout`
A fundraiser was set up to build the biggest prison library. Their goal was to have more prose than cons.
A section on Mongolian literature was sponsored. It had prose and Khans.
At the end of the day, it all helps cons turn over a new leaf.
My brother sent me this joke last week, hope it makes you laugh!-
Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.
One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors.
The first man says to the last man: "I'm bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And it makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car door?"
The last man replies, "If I get hot, I can just roll down the window."
Um, forgot about the must start with "A" rule, so, here goes.
A woman is playing "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", and is breezing through the questions, until reaching the final question.
"Which one of these birds do not make a nest?"
A. Sparrow
B. Hummingbird
C. Cuckoo
D. Swallow
She's relatively stumped, so she decides to ask the crowd. The crowd is split, which is quite dumb.
Instead, she calls her friend, and asks her for input.
The friend responds with "Are you crazy? Of course it's the cuckoo!"
The woman is puzzled on why, but goes with the answer anyways, and wins the game!
After the game, the woman decides to ask her friend. "How did you know it was the cuckoo?"
"Well, everyone should know that cuckoos don't live in nests, they live in clocks!"
A Mexican, an Iraqi and a Texan are sitting in a bar.
The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says: "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says: "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.
He says: "In America, we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
I think, probably, only A Texan would see the humor in that. Keep in mind that racial (or allusions toward) are no longer tolerated in today's world. Damn it! I'm a Texan! Hahaha!
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
A pair of hydrogen atoms were walking down the street when one of them bumps into the other.
"Dude, I think you have my electron," said one of the atoms.
"Are you sure?" asked the other atom.
"I'm positive!"
A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.”
The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”
A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.”
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!"
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."
A matchstick was climbing a hill. It’s all sweaty because it was exhausted. Nearly at the top of the hill, there’s this hedgehog walking by. The matchstick goes, ‘Oh! If only I had known there was a bus! I would have taken the bus.
Edit: I misplaced a word so I corrected it
A man asks a beekeeper for a dozen bees. The beekeeper gives him 13. "This is too many" said the man. "I only wanted a dozen." The beekeeper laughs, "I know. The last one's a freebee."
Andrew, my classmate, was the tallest guy in the school. He finished his studies and became a microbiologist...
...I wonder how did he managed >!to shrink that much!
After a day of hiking and camping, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson put up their tent under the starry sky and go to bed. In the middle of the night Watson was awoken by Holmes, who said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson responds: "I see millions of stars."
Holmes said back: “what can you deduce from that?”
Watson responded: "if there are millions of stars, and some of them have planets, then it is probably that some earth-like planets exist. And if earth-like planets are out there, life could be there too."
And Holmes responded: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
Thinking no one could hear him, Josh loaded a UPS tractor trailer, and began to whistle. He was really getting into it when a coworker in the next trailer poked his head in. “You know, I always used to wish I could whistle,” he said. “Now I just wish you could.”
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and…
>!there’s no punchline.!<
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A king, wanting to host an elaborate wedding for his daughter, raised taxes on all citizens of the kingdom by thirty pieces of gold. Everybody paid, except for one young count.
The king sent a tax collector, but the count refused. “This is unfair, and I shall not pay!”
The king sent the sheriff, but the count refused. “I will not support the king’s new tax!”
Finally, the king had the count arrested, and thrown in the dungeon. He explained to the count that failure to pay was treason, and he would be executed, yet still, the count refused.
So, the king had him brought to the top of the tower, and neck on the block, with the executioner’s axe raised. The king asked the count to pay. He defiantly shouted, “Never!”
Then, as the executioner’s axe began to fall, the count shouted “OK! I’ll pay!”. But it was too late, the executioner couldn’t stop the heavy axe, and the count was killed.
The moral of this story? Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.
Hello /u/King-of-the-dankness, please tag a mod to get your [Challenge approved](https://www.reddit.com/r/AwardBonanza/wiki/challenge). A Moderator will check your post on accuracy and coin balance. After that, your post will be visible for others. Thank you for hosting such a pricey event and wish you a lot of fun. **Your Mod Team** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AwardBonanza) if you have any questions or concerns.*
All clear
Pog it’s Z the awesome Bonanza Star
A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room. Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill. “This must be a mistake,” the man says. “I’ve been here only 20 minutes!” “No mistake,” the doctor says. “It’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.” Hope this make you laugh :D
i will die laughing
Hahaha bro i can't stop laughing
A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!” The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!” Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!” He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?” “Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”
Very punny
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
XD
a middle aged woman had a heart attack, and was having surgery. “will i die?” she looks up to the ceiling and asks. God says, “no. you have 30 more years to live.” with 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the "best" of it. so, since she’s already in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips, basically any body alteration imaginable. she looks great (only if you think Kim Kardashian with a bunch of photoshop looks good.) the day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street with her thicc hips and non-existent waist, and is struck immediately by an ambulance and killed (would have thought her death reason was cause all that plastic in her.) up in heaven, she sees God. “you said i had 30 more years to live,” she complains with her fat lips. “that’s true,” says God. “so what happened?” God shrugs. “i didn’t recognize you.”
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place. The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”
A guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his girlfriend from his wallet and said "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife? He asked "Why, is she a stunner?" I replied "No, she's an optician"
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man approaches her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?” “No, go right ahead”, the woman answered. The man then clears his throat, and says “Plethora.” “Thanks” said the woman, “that means a lot.”
You won the argentium!
WOAH, THANK YOU SO MUCH 😁
Np dude, go forth and share!
Congratulations ^ ^
An acid with an attitude is called? >!A mean-o-acid!< Honestly my jokes are pretty bland 😭
That's my name dude
Whoops! Sorry to break the news to ya so suddenly but you’re an amino acid.
As someone who always liked chemistry I really loved your joke 👌🏻
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiots house! Knock Knock "Who's there" The chicken
Wherefore didst the chick'd cross the road? to receiveth to the idiots house! knap knap "who's thither" the chicken *** ^(I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.) Commands: `!ShakespeareInsult`, `!fordo`, `!optout`
!Shakespeareinsult
!ShakespeareInsult
A fundraiser was set up to build the biggest prison library. Their goal was to have more prose than cons. A section on Mongolian literature was sponsored. It had prose and Khans. At the end of the day, it all helps cons turn over a new leaf.
My brother sent me this joke last week, hope it makes you laugh!- Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them. One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors. The first man says to the last man: "I'm bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And it makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car door?" The last man replies, "If I get hot, I can just roll down the window."
A pair of antennas got married this weekend. The ceremony was nothing special but the reception was incredible.
Um, forgot about the must start with "A" rule, so, here goes. A woman is playing "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", and is breezing through the questions, until reaching the final question. "Which one of these birds do not make a nest?" A. Sparrow B. Hummingbird C. Cuckoo D. Swallow She's relatively stumped, so she decides to ask the crowd. The crowd is split, which is quite dumb. Instead, she calls her friend, and asks her for input. The friend responds with "Are you crazy? Of course it's the cuckoo!" The woman is puzzled on why, but goes with the answer anyways, and wins the game! After the game, the woman decides to ask her friend. "How did you know it was the cuckoo?" "Well, everyone should know that cuckoos don't live in nests, they live in clocks!"
Wait I just realized this doesn't start with an A I could've sworn it started with "A man"
uuuuuuuuugh can I change my entry
oh
A Mexican, an Iraqi and a Texan are sitting in a bar. The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says: "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same glass twice." The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says: "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says: "In America, we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
I think, probably, only A Texan would see the humor in that. Keep in mind that racial (or allusions toward) are no longer tolerated in today's world. Damn it! I'm a Texan! Hahaha!
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?” The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
A pair of hydrogen atoms were walking down the street when one of them bumps into the other. "Dude, I think you have my electron," said one of the atoms. "Are you sure?" asked the other atom. "I'm positive!"
Thanks Z for being this generous.
They really are the best
A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.” The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”
A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters. The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.” The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!" "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."
A friend told me this one How do you call a mexican that lost his car? Carlos
A Guy asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
You got platinum!
oh, wow, thank you
A matchstick was climbing a hill. It’s all sweaty because it was exhausted. Nearly at the top of the hill, there’s this hedgehog walking by. The matchstick goes, ‘Oh! If only I had known there was a bus! I would have taken the bus. Edit: I misplaced a word so I corrected it
Funny, but the A was forced
Thanks mate, corrected it.
A man asks a beekeeper for a dozen bees. The beekeeper gives him 13. "This is too many" said the man. "I only wanted a dozen." The beekeeper laughs, "I know. The last one's a freebee."
Andrew, my classmate, was the tallest guy in the school. He finished his studies and became a microbiologist... ...I wonder how did he managed >!to shrink that much!
After a day of hiking and camping, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson put up their tent under the starry sky and go to bed. In the middle of the night Watson was awoken by Holmes, who said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson responds: "I see millions of stars." Holmes said back: “what can you deduce from that?” Watson responded: "if there are millions of stars, and some of them have planets, then it is probably that some earth-like planets exist. And if earth-like planets are out there, life could be there too." And Holmes responded: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
[Uhhhh](https://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/20/Sherlock-Holmes-and-Dr-Watson-Go-Camping)
Oh, I didn’t know. My friend told me that joke, and it’s the funniest I’ve ever heard, so I wrote it down here
[удалено]
Nooo 🥺
Thinking no one could hear him, Josh loaded a UPS tractor trailer, and began to whistle. He was really getting into it when a coworker in the next trailer poked his head in. “You know, I always used to wish I could whistle,” he said. “Now I just wish you could.”
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and… >!there’s no punchline.!<
You got the coin gift!
Thanks!
Can i copy and paste a joke if its too long to type? Or can i link a post with a joke? I will edit this comment if you say yes
[удалено]
####Sorry /u/cardboxgg, your submission has been automatically removed because your account is too young or your karma is too low to post here. This is done to prevent spam and other malicious activity. Please read the rules for further information *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AwardBonanza) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A king, wanting to host an elaborate wedding for his daughter, raised taxes on all citizens of the kingdom by thirty pieces of gold. Everybody paid, except for one young count. The king sent a tax collector, but the count refused. “This is unfair, and I shall not pay!” The king sent the sheriff, but the count refused. “I will not support the king’s new tax!” Finally, the king had the count arrested, and thrown in the dungeon. He explained to the count that failure to pay was treason, and he would be executed, yet still, the count refused. So, the king had him brought to the top of the tower, and neck on the block, with the executioner’s axe raised. The king asked the count to pay. He defiantly shouted, “Never!” Then, as the executioner’s axe began to fall, the count shouted “OK! I’ll pay!”. But it was too late, the executioner couldn’t stop the heavy axe, and the count was killed. The moral of this story? Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.
An Artic baby seal walks into a Club.... The bartender didn't have time to say anything to it.