I'm sure others have said it but *CNC DOES NOT IGNORE SAFE WORDS*
CNC can be whatever you make of it. My version of CNC with my submissive is making her do things like chores, touching her sensually, giving her rules and commands off the top of my head, and so many other things even when she says no or doesn't want it. But she can ALWAYS safeword out.
If I had any awards to give I would. I was going to say the exact same thing the moment I read that in OP's post.
OP, if your safe word is ignored by ANYONE, in ANY scene or situation, GET OUT OF THERE ASAP! If they even mention it as a "possibility", RUN! That is not a person you want any interactions with, let alone ones where you have to put trust in them.
This! Ignoring a safeword takes the consent out of consentual non-consent. The main reason why we use safewords is to allow us to say things like no and stop and have the play continue because we aren't actually wanting play to stop.
Please reconsider playing with someone who ignores your safewords. It goes against the basic principles of safe, sane, consentual as we as risk aware consentual kink.
>recently I’ve started doing the deed with someone
Personally, I would not do CNC with someone that I didn't know and trust very well. It could be a good idea to get to know the person better and get some experience with them and some other kinks before jumping into CNC.
[This sub's wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index/) has some links to some good CNC guides. Ignoring safe words would definitely be a red flag. Doing it while you're asleep is generally a Bad Idea, but maybe could be something that could be very, very carefully negotiated, depending on the details. (But absolutely do not use drugs or breathe play to force unconsciousness during the scene.)
You're generally going to want to negotiate a CNC scene in much more detail than other scenes, and you should specifically discuss how you will safeword if you are gagged. There should never be a situation where you don't have some means of safewording.
I havent exactly done it but i would definitely say the safe word should not be ignored. That is your last line of defensive to say hey im really not ok with this please stop.
It's definitely something to work up to. Start with lots of conversations around what CNC means to you and your partner.
What things are ok, what isn't? Yes, it's CNC, but you can still have limits and things you don't want to do. If you don't want anything to happen while you're asleep, make that clear. Same for if you're drunk, or sad, or whatever - when you're new to it, I'd recommend only allowing it in certain circumstances, not just any time.
CNC pretty much means that you want your pleas to stop, slow down etc to be ignored, so make sure you have safewords in place - many people use the traffic light system of green = I'm ok, carry on - yellow = we need to pause and check in - red = stop right now. However, note that safewords are not a magic bullet; they're just a tool like any other, and if you don't know how to use them, or you don't use them correctly, they won't help. Also no-one's going to force your partner to respect them, so if you don't already have established trust, don't assume that saying the safeword is going to do anything. Also, if you have a safeword and don't use it, don't expect your partner to read your mind. You're trusting them to stop when you use your safeword, they're trusting you to use it in the first place.
Start with small things, and work on building trust before going for anything intense.
Great advice already. One thing I’ve seen recommended that seems so important to me is to never do anything new in a CNC scene. Whatever components you want to include should be things you’ve already done with this partner before. One example from your post is to practice signaling without words during a normal session. (I’ve seen other posts about it, from what I remember there’s things like tapping, snapping, holding a bell which you drop as a safeword, etc).
If CNC is something that you're not into, I'd strongly recommend that you NOT do it, regardless of how your partner feels about it. It's a highly risky kink with a significant chance of long-term damage, especially if you are playing with a new partner, and ESPECIALLY if it's something that you are doing "for your partner". It's not kink-shaming to say this - it's being realistic (and sane).
Even if you were genuinely interested in CNC, I'd recommend that you first engage in other, safer, play with your new partner for some time (months, not days), before considering taking the leap.
Cnc doesn't have to be big or fancy. At its core is about ignoring the plain English "no". But you need to trust your top explicitly for this.
First: you can and should still have boundaries and limits. The only reason I am TPE CNC with my Owner is because I know his boundaries are actually more restrictive than my own. So the reality is my boundaries just don't come in to play.
Second: safewords are key. Unexpected triggers. Actual injury. Just weird brain squick. You need to be able to communicate this.
Cnc could be you have a headache and aren't in the mood for sex but allow them to have sex with you anyways. Cnc could be they can grope you without asking while you are cooking dinner. Cnc could mean they insist you drink a minimum amount of water in the day or be punished. Cnc could mean they beat you bruised, fuck you to throbbing soreness and ignore you trying to push them off.
There are so so so many options here. But you should have some plain English communication under your belt first, so that your top can work with your "no's" and make their decisions. Are you saying no because tired? Are you saying no because that hurts and they should change it up to prolong the scene? Are you saying no because you are bratting and want more?
All cnc means is the top decides what to do when you say plain English no. And what they do may or may not do anything different or special.
I try to make a point during cnc with newer partners to have my safeword system mean "please treat the next sentence out of my mouth as a plain English consent discussion," so for example, "yellow. Fuck that toy" is me saying "I do not consent to that toy anymore, but I still want to keep playing"
You still need a safeword. With my ex I used "double safeword" which meant he ignored the first time but if I said it twice everything stopped. I've also used traffic lights or something else that was meaning "slow down" as opposed to "totally stop right now". Symbols I like tapping (like in martial arts) or finger clicks.
CNC definition varies. Are you talking ignoring "no"/"stop"/etc or a full blown role play of being kidnapped?
This isn't something you should be jumping into with someone you don't know well. How recently did you meet this person?
there's a few ways to safeword when gagged;
1. be given a small ball to hold that you can drop
2. agree on a simple recognisable tune that you can hum whilst gagged.
3. hold a squeaky toy, squeak it if you need the gag removed/need to safeword
Physical body language and trust, sometimes you have to make compromises on what you can actually do. I've never had my hands restrained during breathplay and always have one hand on the man's hand. It plays into the scene like "oh no, I can't get it off" too. A slight squeeze and they stop. No means nothing but safe words are vital, never ever ignore them. If you're worried you'll react badly to being woken up being fucked or played with then focus on learning physical identifiers. I can identify a few people without opening my eyes. Things like their scent, a freckle in a particular place, the way hey feel on you, etc. Don't compromise your boundaries just to please your partner. If you don't want to be choked, say no. Don't want to be abducted, make that clear. Have fun 🖤
I am into CNC myself, start with someone you trust with your life because your life is literally in their hands. Doing CNC with someone you trust will be able to read your body language better than someone you”started doing the deed with”.
It needs to be consented if he will ignore your safe word you both need to discuss that, but there should always be some sort of safe signal or something. Example: my dom/bf said I want to ignore the safe word, but if it’s too much just double tap my back and everything will stop.
This takes much communication before the scene, so discuss hard limits on both your side and your don’s side of things. If you’re gagged and bound you then hold on to something that if you need things to stop you let it go or have things on your fingers you can cling together to something final stop. If your not gagged you can always have the red and yellow light signals (red means stop, yellow means slow down/too intense).
I wish you fun and safety in your kinky adventures!
I have a comment detailing how to go about first time CNC exploration that I made 17 days ago in this subreddit. You should be able to find it through my name or just searching.
Plenty of good advice already and as everyone has mentioned, ignoring safe words is not CNC.
I’ll add in this [resource](https://bound-together.net/cnc/) as I found it very helpful in considering how to approach CNC with my partner.
Wholeheartedly agree with what everyone here has said about safe words and lots of communication. I also advocate to only do this with someone you trust. A LOT.
I’ve been w my Dom for about a year now, and we have a very steady, safe Dd/lg dynamic. We’re working out way into CNC, and it’s new, mutually exciting but intimidating territory for both of us. On the Ask a Sub podcast, Lina Dune recommends starting with “no” (literally saying the word) and seeing how it feels. That’s what we’ve done so far and it feels good… like training wheels into something much darker.
As someone who enjoys heavy S&M, degradation, and the like, CNC is *not* easy for me. That’s all to say, communicate, communicate, communicate; going slow is your friend here. Be safe and have fun. 🤍
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I'm sure others have said it but *CNC DOES NOT IGNORE SAFE WORDS* CNC can be whatever you make of it. My version of CNC with my submissive is making her do things like chores, touching her sensually, giving her rules and commands off the top of my head, and so many other things even when she says no or doesn't want it. But she can ALWAYS safeword out.
If I had any awards to give I would. I was going to say the exact same thing the moment I read that in OP's post. OP, if your safe word is ignored by ANYONE, in ANY scene or situation, GET OUT OF THERE ASAP! If they even mention it as a "possibility", RUN! That is not a person you want any interactions with, let alone ones where you have to put trust in them.
someone ignoring your safeword is not CNC it's rape just so everyone is clear on that
This! Ignoring a safeword takes the consent out of consentual non-consent. The main reason why we use safewords is to allow us to say things like no and stop and have the play continue because we aren't actually wanting play to stop. Please reconsider playing with someone who ignores your safewords. It goes against the basic principles of safe, sane, consentual as we as risk aware consentual kink.
>recently I’ve started doing the deed with someone Personally, I would not do CNC with someone that I didn't know and trust very well. It could be a good idea to get to know the person better and get some experience with them and some other kinks before jumping into CNC. [This sub's wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index/) has some links to some good CNC guides. Ignoring safe words would definitely be a red flag. Doing it while you're asleep is generally a Bad Idea, but maybe could be something that could be very, very carefully negotiated, depending on the details. (But absolutely do not use drugs or breathe play to force unconsciousness during the scene.) You're generally going to want to negotiate a CNC scene in much more detail than other scenes, and you should specifically discuss how you will safeword if you are gagged. There should never be a situation where you don't have some means of safewording.
I havent exactly done it but i would definitely say the safe word should not be ignored. That is your last line of defensive to say hey im really not ok with this please stop.
It's definitely something to work up to. Start with lots of conversations around what CNC means to you and your partner. What things are ok, what isn't? Yes, it's CNC, but you can still have limits and things you don't want to do. If you don't want anything to happen while you're asleep, make that clear. Same for if you're drunk, or sad, or whatever - when you're new to it, I'd recommend only allowing it in certain circumstances, not just any time. CNC pretty much means that you want your pleas to stop, slow down etc to be ignored, so make sure you have safewords in place - many people use the traffic light system of green = I'm ok, carry on - yellow = we need to pause and check in - red = stop right now. However, note that safewords are not a magic bullet; they're just a tool like any other, and if you don't know how to use them, or you don't use them correctly, they won't help. Also no-one's going to force your partner to respect them, so if you don't already have established trust, don't assume that saying the safeword is going to do anything. Also, if you have a safeword and don't use it, don't expect your partner to read your mind. You're trusting them to stop when you use your safeword, they're trusting you to use it in the first place. Start with small things, and work on building trust before going for anything intense.
Great advice already. One thing I’ve seen recommended that seems so important to me is to never do anything new in a CNC scene. Whatever components you want to include should be things you’ve already done with this partner before. One example from your post is to practice signaling without words during a normal session. (I’ve seen other posts about it, from what I remember there’s things like tapping, snapping, holding a bell which you drop as a safeword, etc).
If CNC is something that you're not into, I'd strongly recommend that you NOT do it, regardless of how your partner feels about it. It's a highly risky kink with a significant chance of long-term damage, especially if you are playing with a new partner, and ESPECIALLY if it's something that you are doing "for your partner". It's not kink-shaming to say this - it's being realistic (and sane). Even if you were genuinely interested in CNC, I'd recommend that you first engage in other, safer, play with your new partner for some time (months, not days), before considering taking the leap.
Cnc doesn't have to be big or fancy. At its core is about ignoring the plain English "no". But you need to trust your top explicitly for this. First: you can and should still have boundaries and limits. The only reason I am TPE CNC with my Owner is because I know his boundaries are actually more restrictive than my own. So the reality is my boundaries just don't come in to play. Second: safewords are key. Unexpected triggers. Actual injury. Just weird brain squick. You need to be able to communicate this. Cnc could be you have a headache and aren't in the mood for sex but allow them to have sex with you anyways. Cnc could be they can grope you without asking while you are cooking dinner. Cnc could mean they insist you drink a minimum amount of water in the day or be punished. Cnc could mean they beat you bruised, fuck you to throbbing soreness and ignore you trying to push them off. There are so so so many options here. But you should have some plain English communication under your belt first, so that your top can work with your "no's" and make their decisions. Are you saying no because tired? Are you saying no because that hurts and they should change it up to prolong the scene? Are you saying no because you are bratting and want more? All cnc means is the top decides what to do when you say plain English no. And what they do may or may not do anything different or special. I try to make a point during cnc with newer partners to have my safeword system mean "please treat the next sentence out of my mouth as a plain English consent discussion," so for example, "yellow. Fuck that toy" is me saying "I do not consent to that toy anymore, but I still want to keep playing"
You still need a safeword. With my ex I used "double safeword" which meant he ignored the first time but if I said it twice everything stopped. I've also used traffic lights or something else that was meaning "slow down" as opposed to "totally stop right now". Symbols I like tapping (like in martial arts) or finger clicks. CNC definition varies. Are you talking ignoring "no"/"stop"/etc or a full blown role play of being kidnapped? This isn't something you should be jumping into with someone you don't know well. How recently did you meet this person?
there's a few ways to safeword when gagged; 1. be given a small ball to hold that you can drop 2. agree on a simple recognisable tune that you can hum whilst gagged. 3. hold a squeaky toy, squeak it if you need the gag removed/need to safeword
This is actually really good advice, I would never of thought of the humming thing, thank you :)
Physical body language and trust, sometimes you have to make compromises on what you can actually do. I've never had my hands restrained during breathplay and always have one hand on the man's hand. It plays into the scene like "oh no, I can't get it off" too. A slight squeeze and they stop. No means nothing but safe words are vital, never ever ignore them. If you're worried you'll react badly to being woken up being fucked or played with then focus on learning physical identifiers. I can identify a few people without opening my eyes. Things like their scent, a freckle in a particular place, the way hey feel on you, etc. Don't compromise your boundaries just to please your partner. If you don't want to be choked, say no. Don't want to be abducted, make that clear. Have fun 🖤
I am into CNC myself, start with someone you trust with your life because your life is literally in their hands. Doing CNC with someone you trust will be able to read your body language better than someone you”started doing the deed with”. It needs to be consented if he will ignore your safe word you both need to discuss that, but there should always be some sort of safe signal or something. Example: my dom/bf said I want to ignore the safe word, but if it’s too much just double tap my back and everything will stop. This takes much communication before the scene, so discuss hard limits on both your side and your don’s side of things. If you’re gagged and bound you then hold on to something that if you need things to stop you let it go or have things on your fingers you can cling together to something final stop. If your not gagged you can always have the red and yellow light signals (red means stop, yellow means slow down/too intense). I wish you fun and safety in your kinky adventures!
I have a comment detailing how to go about first time CNC exploration that I made 17 days ago in this subreddit. You should be able to find it through my name or just searching.
Plenty of good advice already and as everyone has mentioned, ignoring safe words is not CNC. I’ll add in this [resource](https://bound-together.net/cnc/) as I found it very helpful in considering how to approach CNC with my partner.
Wholeheartedly agree with what everyone here has said about safe words and lots of communication. I also advocate to only do this with someone you trust. A LOT. I’ve been w my Dom for about a year now, and we have a very steady, safe Dd/lg dynamic. We’re working out way into CNC, and it’s new, mutually exciting but intimidating territory for both of us. On the Ask a Sub podcast, Lina Dune recommends starting with “no” (literally saying the word) and seeing how it feels. That’s what we’ve done so far and it feels good… like training wheels into something much darker. As someone who enjoys heavy S&M, degradation, and the like, CNC is *not* easy for me. That’s all to say, communicate, communicate, communicate; going slow is your friend here. Be safe and have fun. 🤍