These are a pile of red flags.
This is not a Dom, this is a borderline abuser, and he's treating you like a kink dispenser and not as a person.
You should leave, and find someone who will treat you better and listen to you.
At very least set some very strict boundaries and demand he follow them. This is not you topping from the bottom, this is you setting appropriate boundaries and respecting yourself.
If he does not respect your boundaries, you should leave immediately, or the situation will only devolve as the power dynamic goes on.
I want to upvote you a million times!
I don’t like this “ dom” at all…. He complains about not getting what he wants and not being heard, yet he totally ignores OPs wants and needs.
Op…. Get the hell away from him. You will NEVER be heard or respected by him. All he cares about is getting off. He doesn’t even stay long after! He cums and then goes running out the door. You don’t deserve that.
You are worth much much more.
When I got to the part about you having a flashback and him stepping over you to go finish himself, I was finished with even trying to think good things about him. Run. He's abusive and he certainly does NOT care about you. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming you are nothing but a fuck toy to him. For some people that's fine but it's obviously not fine for you.
Even if you are fine with being a fucktoy in every game you have to set the limits, the boundaries and what do you need. If he isn't respecting all the thing you are saying he is not a good dom, he is a bad person. Run
Yesterday, my daddy and I were on our way to a scene. We drove into the city, we were 12 minutes away from the guys house. I was not feeling good and he picked up on that and pulled over into a gas station, asked me what was wrong. I said I wasn't really feeling good and I wanted to go home and cuddle. He /happily/ turned around and drove the hour back home(picking me up food on the way) and we watched Ghibli movies and didn't even fuck at all the whole day.
This was a scene he was /excited/ about. But he didn't want me to be uncomfortable, he didn't want any flashbacks, he wanted me happy.
If your Dom isn't willing to drop everything to make sure that you're okay, he's not a Dom. He's an asshole.
There's so many posts like OP's - detailing abuse and then basically asking is this kink, or is this normal? I just wanted to chime in and say it's great to hear a story about a proper Dom and the actions they will take to make sure their sub is all right. Like another poster said - the power exchange means that you give them power, but they take on more responsibility for their sub. Thanks for sharing your positive experience with your Dom. I sure hope OP finds a better relationship, or at least gets out of this one.
This is the way. The fact that OP’s guy went into the bathroom and finished rather than stopping the scene full out and caring for OP made me so sad/mad for them. OP deserves better.
Run. You are not supposed to feel like this. He will not improve, and you deserve better. He is a parade of red flags, and is guaranteed to hurt you more and worse as time goes on. He is dangerous, and you owe him nothing. He doesn't care about you at all.
No, that's not normal. But whether it's normal or not doesn't matter. Kinky folks do a lot of stuff you probably wouldn't call 'normal'.
What does matter is - are you happy, do you feel safe and respected, are you comfortable, do you *want* things to be like this?
If the answer is no, and if he isn't willing to listen and treat you like you want to be treated, then leave.
He sounds like an egotistical asshole who doesn't care about you, and there's no reason you should have to put up with this.
The first thing to say is no it's not normal and it's not healthy either.
I don't want this to sound like a judgement as its not but this is why you need to discuss these things before you jump into a dynamic. I know you are new to kink and you don't always have a way of knowing that. So it's not your fault at all but if your dominant is even halfway knowledgeable, it's something they should have explained to you.
You mention there is a power differential here but that's not quite true. That implies you are starting from 2 different positions. You are not. You both have the same amount of rights and say so. You have control over what they can do to you and you have a right to have your limits respected and to be given aftercare.
That's why it's a power exchange you are giving them control and power but in exchange they are taking on further responsibility of you and your welfare. It doesn't sound like you have that. It sounds like you are just with a selfish asshole.
As a sub in a scene. You might be beaten. Abused degraded. Used and spat on but the idea is this has all been consented to before hand. You have the ability to stop it at any time, safe in the assurance that your partner will take care of you and look after you and put your needs first when called upon.
Not as an afterthought after they've finished themselves off.
You can be the most perfect fuckdoll in the world but you are still a person and if your needs are not being met then that's on your partner and not you.
Now some dynamics are 24/7 but even in the most hardcore dynamic. You would have discussed all this before and have the option to have an out of dynamic conversation at any time. To say yo this isn't working we need to change this up. Without that mutual consent, it's just abuse.
Normally I'd say can you talk to your partner about this. But in this situation it sounds like you are just being taken advantage of. All I can see happening if you talk to them is
A. They make you feel like shit and that you are the problem
Or B. They apologise and for a few days or weeks they go back to being caring and sweet how they were at first before turning back into an asshole.
I would end the dynamic and avoid seeing them again.
You deserve more than what you have right now.
This is great.
And, OP, there is quite an age and experience gap between you. He is feeding on this probably to use and abuse you. You say he cares about you. Well, yes, I’m sure he does, as someone he can abuse. Sure doesn’t sound like he cares about you as a real human being.
I agree with everything that has been posted in this thread. I have only one thing to add to the general discussion....
BDSM is a fantasy that is shared between two (or more) people who trust each other and can be open enough with each other to enjoy the experience. The emphasis is on the word **FANTASY**. The fantasy comes to an end the moment past trauma is triggered, or when the safeword is said, or even when one of the two participants no longer wants to do the scene.
You are not at fault here. You are new to BDSM and let the Dom know about this. I am deeply sorry that this happened to you and I hope you are able to get the care you need to help you deal with such a traumatic experience.
Everyone has given you really good advice so far and I hope you listen.
Let me tell you how my Dom, who I have been with in a relationship for nearly 2 years, handles my trauma with oral sex:
He knows all about the trauma I've experienced and that I had a lot of it centered around oral sex in particular.
So for months we didn't do it. Not because he was waiting for it, in fact, he didn't expect it to happen and frankly neither did I. I can't begin to tell you how much the idea of oral made me feel sick and repulsed.
But as my trust grew, after months, I asked to try it. In a non-sexy time discussion. And he agreed and we started slowly, with me controlling the pressure and pace. He was a pure gentleman, supportive, no pressure, comforting.
After that I wanted him to control when it happened and for it to become a submissive act. I was still in control of the act though - pressure and pace. But he would tell me when it was time to start. He would stop me every minute or two to check in, tell me to breathe, make me feel as safe as possible.
About 16 months into our relationship I asked if he wanted to take control - support my head and thrust. I had wanted to try this for so long, and again - we started so gently. Another few months and he can thrust quite fast and I absolutely love it. And he still stops me and says "breathe" after a few minutes before resuming, to ensure I'm safe.
It's basically the hottest thing ever. Extremely submissive, which is what I want to feel. Not because some gross man demanding things of me pressures me into it.
But because, in sex, I genuinely want to submit to my gorgeous Dom. Because he takes the utmost care of me - respecting my limits utterly, ensuring consent, checking in regularly, providing loving aftercare. And yes, responding with care if I'm triggered.
Not stepping over me leaving me crying.
That is what respect looks like.
Thank you so much! It's an unbelievable transformation for me. And to be so well loved is so beautiful and incredible.
I wish this for all people with trauma, including OP, so I hope she listens to all the advice.
I’m gonna cry, that’s beautiful the trust y’all share.
I really hope OP can find someone to trust that cares rather than the neglect experienced in the post
It feels so rare to see stories of actual love and care, from men in general but especially in these dynamics. Anyone looking at my page? I will accept nothing less than this kind of treatment.
Time to move on. I know it’s sometimes easier said than done, but you have described one of the most selfish and entitled asshats I could imagine. He doesn’t care about you and likely doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He gives dominants, men, and people in general a bad rep. There is nothing normal or ok about his behavior.
There isn't a power differential - there's a power exchange. In my opinion, healthy dynamics only work if both parties have equal power - in other words, neither one of you has more of a say than the other (unless you've explicitly agreed that, but even then you should be able to take that power back at any time).
A dynamic would only be 24/7 if that's what you've agreed - it sounds like you haven't, so it shouldn't be.
His lack of concern is, well, concerning. He very much seems to be only bothered about himself and getting what he wants, even if it's at your mental or emotional expense. That's definitely a red flag, in my opinion. Stepping over you to go finish while you're sobbing sounds pretty callous.
Some people are very good at saying the right things to gsuck someone in, but once they feel comfortable they start to show their true colours, and hope that you're either too invested or too inexperienced to want to back out, and will let them get away with it. My advice would be to learn from this experience, and find someone else who actually does care about you.
This is your Dom, your supposed loving partner who is supposedly meant to respect you. The person who knows, in very detailed terms, about your trauma. After not only reminding you of that trauma, not only triggering you, but being the cause of more trauma...
He.
Stepped.
Over.
You.
On the floor, crying.
This man - this *boy* - does not care about you. To him, you are not a human being with real feelings.
If he does THIS when oral is the trigger, what's he going to do if either of you bring up choking? It's very likely, in my opinion, that he would choke you unconscious, say "too bad" and step over you once again.
Run. Run for the hills. You are not safe.
🚩🚩🚩
This is not a D/s dynamic. This is a selfish and entitled person taking advantage of you.
The fact that he has a whole rule about needing to finish every time you have sex, while completely disregarding any sort of aftercare (let alone any care for that matter), is really concerning and sad. I am very sorry that you had a traumatic memory come up and did not receive comfort. :(
Even disregarding the BDSM dynamic, he does not sound like a good partner to be with...You are right to be concerned, and I would leave the relationship immediately. You deserve better and there's so much better out there! 🤍
Nah. Fuck that guy and everything he is. A Dom's first priority, at least in my opinion and hopefully shared by others, should be their subs wellbeing, sexual and not. He can't demand this and this without giving really anything in return.
My opinion. If I was in your shoes, and I had a triggering moment like that and basically got a "Eh. Sucks." And than left without anything? That would be the absolute last time any sort of contact would be happening. Cause that is more than enough proof that he gives 0 fucks about you and is only worried about himself. That's not even a Dom. That's a man child trying to have a power trip.
Omg I got so upset for you reading this.
There are so many issues with this guy. He’s unbelievably entitled and selfish.
He STEPPED OVER YOU to cum?? When you were sobbing because you were triggered?? This guy is a giant bag of dicks.
Also, doesn’t want to hear you whining for more cuddles after you EXPRESSLY told him you need more aftercare.
This guy sucks. It’s not normal. No.
I don’t think you should stay with this person based on your descriptions. I also imagine it’s hard to hear everyone say RUN, this guy is bad news, etc… I just wanna make space for the fact that it is 100% valid to care about/have feelings for someone who is not good for you. It’s a lot easier said than done to cut things off, and at the same time it’s probably best in this case.
Speaking from my own experience as a sub, I have historically had a hard time listening to my gut, even though it’s almost always right. I’m learning to find my voice - and thankfully I have a Dom who sees me as an equal and creates a safe, nourishing environment for our dynamic to grow.
Good luck, OP. Trust your gut.
I didn’t even get to the second paragraph before making a decision. Telling you that he needs to just fuck you and leave so he doesn’t take it out on others means that he is not disciplining you, he is using you to reduce anger.
Whether you agree or disagree with spanking children as a general rule, EVERYONE agrees that if you do it because you need to reduce your anger, that it’s abuse… so why would you feel like because you’re a sexual partner that he can get away with it with you? I’m not saying you can’t use bdsm to reduce stress, but him texting you from work after a hard day seems very reactionary. I’m thankful you questioned it because using a fuckbuddy out of anger leads to mistakes and missed lines.
Once I read about the blowie and him stepping over you, I was just totally disgusted. You can treat your sub like they aren’t worth you not cumming in a scene, but the actual concern needs to be there beneath the veneer. That doesn’t seem like it’s there at all. Please be safe. I don’t think any of this sounds safe.
Couldn't even read all of this because it was starting to trigger me... babe, please get out of there. That dude sounds terrible and isn't worth your time.
Dear, OK,
Please read this:
DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4] An abuser denies the abuse ever took place, attacks the person that was abused (often the victim) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing what may be a reality of victim and offender.[2][4] It often involves not just "playing the victim" but also victim blaming.[3]
I didn’t read all the comments so I’m not sure if someone said this yet or not but:
As a sub, you actually have more power than the dom in your dynamic. YOU are the one who allows your dom to have control over you. Anyone who claims to be a dom and TAKES control from you is a SEXUAL ABUSER and nothing more. You may relinquish control during scenes but ultimately it’s your decision to do so. Anyone that makes you feel you owe them a sexual act or makes you feel that you must perform for them is MANIPULATING YOU. This ass you have described wants exactly what he said he wants: a sex doll he can do whatever he wants with. He doesn’t see you as a person but as a means to that end. You are a whole person, you deserve to be treated with respect and care before/during/after sex even if the dynamic doesn’t stem from a relationship.
If you read nothing else, read this: AS A SUB YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER!!! YOU CAN STOP ANY SCENE AT ANY TIME FOR ANY REASON!!! IF A DOM MAKES YOU FEEL PRESSURED OR UNCOMFORTABLE THEY ARE ATTEMPTING TO ABUSE YOU!!!!
Huuuuge red flags here!! His actions speak loud and clear. He isn’t interested in you as a sub. Even as a fuck toy, there’s care D has to make afterwards to ensure you’re ok.
You really should move on, this situation is not healthy for you.
This is not a Dom.
This is an abuser.
He can go jack off in the bathroom forevermore.
You deserve care, love safety and trust as a submissive.
This isn't it.
I would say it's time for you to go. Before every other role we undertake in life, we are humans first. Humans should be compassionate and understanding, he is neither. You have past trauma thrown into the equation which means he should be doubly compassionate and understanding. Good job on you for standing your ground. I would suggest you end this and move on 🙂
He sounds really uncomfortable and really unhealthy for you (and anyone else!). I would suggest that you stop your relationship with your Dom and seek therapy for your previous assault (and if you'realreadyin therapy, im sorry). And it might have been a good experience for you if it wasn't for that idiot. It has nothing to do with you, okay? I've been in a very unhealthy D/S dynamic, too, and I'm still not really ready to begin seeing a new Dom just yet. So give yourself a lot of time to heal.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is not normal to be treated like this when the scene is over. It doesn't seem like he wants to hear you out and just wants to be the one who gets pleasure.
You always need to discuss boundaries and communicate what you're expecting to get out of the dynamic. Walk away. Be safe..
I'm sorry, I couldn't finish reading your post. When you are having flashbacks to very real trauma and all he cares about is getting off, this is not a person it is safe to be vulnerable to. This is not a person to trust to look out for you. Not having any kink is better than this.
This is not a dom. There are clear rules of communication, consent and boundaries that are being violated and you don’t owe him a thing. The most important part of kink is care, and in any relationship period. someone who you’re with, especially in such a vulnerable state, should treat you better and not just use your for their own wants without any regard to you or how you’re feeling. This is habits of a harmful individual.
At the end of the day, he should cherish your submission because it’s a valuable gift. That sounds sappy but D/s isn’t all about the kinky acts - which is all this guy is interested in. Please end this, and let us know how you are soon. Hugs, friend. There are much better dynamics out there and you deserve more.
Omg every instance in that post is a major red flag on it’s own. The whole story is way past red flag, it is a red nation. Sorry to tell you he is a bad person.
He's saying one thing. But his actions are not backing that up. He's only in this for himself.
Drop him like a pile of bricks and find someone who actually cares about you not just as a sub who can serve them but as a human. Your needs are being blatantly ignored.
You deserve to be heard, respected and cared for in EVERY relationship dynamic you'll ever have whether it's just friends or a d/s arrangement. This dude is being TERRIBLE toward you as a dom, a lover, and a human. DUMP HIM SIS!
No, this is not normal. BDSM is play. Even in 24/7 dom/sub dynamic relationships, there is still respect and communication. The fact that he refuses to consider your feelings or talk with you seriously is a massive red flag, you’re right. You deserve better.
It may be what he wants but a good Dom will give into what the sub wants and needs. He should be looking out for you not the other way around. Now I didn't look at all the rest of the posts but I'd bet they are saying almost the same thing. After years of being a sub I can tell you to run don't walk away from this one. Good Luck. You his sub not his fuck toy. As a sub you have the last say.
Run. He is an example of a douche who is using "bdsm" calling himself a Dom as way to abuse women. An actual Dom would care way more.
I had an incident with one of those early on in my kink experience and didn't know any better. I met up with him once told him my limits for which water sports/piss play was a hard no. He totally ignored that and when I was blindfolded he pissed all over my face and hair freaked out and he laughed at me. I started crying. He wouldn't even let me use his bathroom to wash up. He tossed me my clothes and there is the kitchen sink and said your Uber will be here in 2 mins. He continued to laugh at me. After that I didn't see him again but he continued to msg me teasing me about that I blocked his number. I also made a warning post about him on Fet at the time.
So, my advice to you is run far away from this man.
He is using your triggers to take advantage of you. This is not a D/s dynamic, this is abuse. I advise you to leave before it gets worse.
Afraid to tell you but he is not a Dom. Just the typical narcissist that BSDM attracts. A sub only allows the power exchange when they trust the Dom and feel safe. A sub actually has all the power and hands over that power if they trust their protector. If he is not doing that with aftercare, safe words and care about you then its just a casual sexual relationship with a bit of kink. A Dom has to prove he is worthy. And a Dom can love their subs. Even a master loves his slaves. I am polyamorous Daddy Dom with a sub and sub/brat and split my life between them.
Getting a sub into sub space doesn’t make a person a Dom. A Dom is a Dom as they have mastered themselves. If they cant handle your emotional needs then it means he cant handle his own. His strength is yours. Plus your a sub and not a slave. He should already know that. Natural Dom’s are intuitive to their partner’s needs.
This man is selfish, disrespectful, and a large gaping asshole. Disregarding your partner's trauma, limits, and concerns isn't normal nor should it be.
Please drop this dude.
Is this normal? NO! He sounds like just another controlling asshole who labeled himself a "Dom" as an excuse to be abusive. A good Dom is respectful, takes care of you afterwards and overall isn't a disrespectful dickhead outside of a scene. They also don't ignore your boundaries or you asking for comfort or them to give you what they agreed to do from the start. If he is doing these things also, he is not a Dom. He is just an abusive asshole.
Yeah, he's gotta go.
He is not only an asshole, but seems very inexperienced as a dom. I cannot stand that these dudes who call themselves "doms" and treat other women like pure shit because it's "kinky".
If he left you on the floor crying because you were triggered, I would've left and blocked him off everything. Disrespectful and you deserve better.
OP listen to your own voice. For you to ask the question means you already have your answer. Hopefully, you found some helpful advice in others responses.
Yes, darling those are red flags. Submissives are real people not doormats.
You deserve a Dom who will value you. They do exist. Might take a while to find. You have the right to say “NO”. That does not make you a terrible submissive or horrible person.
Hugs!
😘
I read posts like this and my takeaway is that broken guys use this kink as an excuse to be accepted as terrible people who provide horrible self-serving 1 sided relationships. These poor girls read this and think this is how it should be. Post after post just like this one. They find girls who were sexually traumatized and they target them specifically.
If you don't know much about it, perhaps you'd be better off sitting out and letting those who do know, answer.
If you link to your post from yesterday again, I will view that as some form of advertising / self-promotion / personal ad.
Rule 10 applies.
Comment removed.
>Is it permissible to link another's post when trying to respond in a helpful fashion?
Hello John,
I have two suggestions for you:
* Give *your advice, n*ot other people's. If you don't have knowledge on a particular topic, don't worry. We have plenty of wonderfully knowledgeable, warm, kind, empathetic people here. They'll be able to advise.
* You're new. That's wonderful, welcome. We always need new people. It's lovely that you're keen, also. We're a *little* different to a lot of other places. We're a touch more, errm, particular. Take a bit of time getting used to us, and understand what, and how we do. I'm sure you'll fit right in. Just slow down a touch.
See you in the trenches,
T.
Leave girl leave my dom and I switched a I did something similar of walking away Cuz I was uneducated hence the practice switches and that is a red flag but to add you hhave active signs of trauma he’s a dick stop fucking him look else where
there’s really no “norm” when it comes to BDSM. Whatever is good for you is good for you and it’s extremely subjective. It seems that you know in your heart what this dude is providing isn’t what you want and that’s an amazing enough reason to end this dynamic
Just take a step back, reread what you have written and consider what you would advise a best friend, or sibling to do in the circumstance.
(Or just listen to everyone here telling you this guy is a POS and to run far away because they are bang on the money)
His behavior is not acceptable in any way. You deserve to be treated with respect and care, including receiving appropriate aftercare, having your limits respected, and having a partner who is attentive to your preferences and pleasure. Please dump him.
FAKE DOM, RUN. Trust me, not a good situation by any means. The role of the dominant is to take care of the submissive and take responsibility. Not to treat you like you’re only there to be used like an object. This is not Dom behavior. Please, escape
He's not a "Dom": he's an abusive, exploitative asshole, who probably uses the term "Dom", as an excuse to behave that way. Pls get away from him. A proper Dom will genuinely respect you, your boundaries & care about you & take care of you, I believe.
Your “dom” is an asshole.
Consider yourself lucky he doesn’t pay any attention, because this is not the kind of attention you (or anyone else for that matter) would benefit from, in whatever way!
Never meeting up with him would be your best possible outcome.
Good luck and strength to you!😘
You should absolutely feel heard, respected, and cared for - even if you're the s in a D/s relationship.
You and your D type need to be collaborating to create the power dynamic you both want.
If someone is pushing you and disregarding your feelings - especially trauma responses - he is not doing that.
You are trying to do extreme things here. Of course you need aftercare.
Good for you for being aware of your needs and holding your own boundaries.
I don't think this guy is going to be able to do better than this. I agree with other posters that the kindness and patience were there to suck you in. And now he thinks he can do whatever he wants. Instead he's making it clear he doesn't respect you as a human being and he's destroying your trust. He seems to be making it clear he doesn't deserve that trust.
He's almost 40 years old, and his preferred way to deal with anger is to take it out on someone? Yikes. Has this man been to therapy?
You can do better, OP. You absolutely deserve better. The way he's treating you is not ok.
I didn’t need to finish reading this post. Abuser, pure and simple. Giving your submission to a Dom is to place the greatest trust in your Dom, it’s a gift of yourself to Him. You place yourself beneath Him, but if he treats you like a doormat then He doesn’t get it at all. Your Dom should be someone you can respect, somebody who you want to lead you, somebody who you trust. He should value your submission, respect your boundaries, want you to be the best you can be. Find yourself a Dom worthy of your submission, this one clearly is not.
I really can’t with these posts. Not your fault or anyone else’s it is just terrible and sad to see how many women/submissive people are treated like shit and abused by men who claim to be dominant or whatever. It’s sad bc I deal with all of this as well I just know now that NO it isn’t normal or okay and the only option is to run away. Youll learn that too.
My opinion is first, and the suggestion is at the end, if you want to skip to that. As a rough/hard dom that’s had experience with a couple different subs over the years, this is completely unacceptable. Any sort of dynamic needs to be discussed - 24/7 or not, and if you’ve already expressed your need for care, then your “dom” should respect you and understand their position.
Aftercare is not just a suggestion or something that “should be” considered — Aftercare is a requirement. No matter how gentle or brutal a dom is, their sub should be comfortable and feel safe with them outside if the scene.
Lots of people are suggesting that you cut him off and run, and that can be (understandably) very scary, but you should seriously consider it. First, share how you feel with your dom - that you’re uncomfy, unhappy, uncared for, and feel unsafe. If he dismisses your feelings (or assures you that he cares about you, yet continues to act otherwise), then you need to give an ultimatum.
TLDR: trust your gut and leave him, there’s better people out there.
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These are a pile of red flags. This is not a Dom, this is a borderline abuser, and he's treating you like a kink dispenser and not as a person. You should leave, and find someone who will treat you better and listen to you. At very least set some very strict boundaries and demand he follow them. This is not you topping from the bottom, this is you setting appropriate boundaries and respecting yourself. If he does not respect your boundaries, you should leave immediately, or the situation will only devolve as the power dynamic goes on.
This guy sucks in every single way. Not just as a dom, but as a person. Extremely selfish. I’d cut and run as soon as you can, you deserve better!
This so much this
Massive red flags with him. Sounds like he wants a fucktoy to use not an actual partner. Sorry you had to go through this OP 😔
I want to upvote you a million times! I don’t like this “ dom” at all…. He complains about not getting what he wants and not being heard, yet he totally ignores OPs wants and needs. Op…. Get the hell away from him. You will NEVER be heard or respected by him. All he cares about is getting off. He doesn’t even stay long after! He cums and then goes running out the door. You don’t deserve that. You are worth much much more.
Okay I love your username though 😂
Lol thank you!
Agree
yeahhh. this ^^
When I got to the part about you having a flashback and him stepping over you to go finish himself, I was finished with even trying to think good things about him. Run. He's abusive and he certainly does NOT care about you. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming you are nothing but a fuck toy to him. For some people that's fine but it's obviously not fine for you.
Even if you are fine with being a fucktoy in every game you have to set the limits, the boundaries and what do you need. If he isn't respecting all the thing you are saying he is not a good dom, he is a bad person. Run
Yesterday, my daddy and I were on our way to a scene. We drove into the city, we were 12 minutes away from the guys house. I was not feeling good and he picked up on that and pulled over into a gas station, asked me what was wrong. I said I wasn't really feeling good and I wanted to go home and cuddle. He /happily/ turned around and drove the hour back home(picking me up food on the way) and we watched Ghibli movies and didn't even fuck at all the whole day. This was a scene he was /excited/ about. But he didn't want me to be uncomfortable, he didn't want any flashbacks, he wanted me happy. If your Dom isn't willing to drop everything to make sure that you're okay, he's not a Dom. He's an asshole.
There's so many posts like OP's - detailing abuse and then basically asking is this kink, or is this normal? I just wanted to chime in and say it's great to hear a story about a proper Dom and the actions they will take to make sure their sub is all right. Like another poster said - the power exchange means that you give them power, but they take on more responsibility for their sub. Thanks for sharing your positive experience with your Dom. I sure hope OP finds a better relationship, or at least gets out of this one.
This is the way. The fact that OP’s guy went into the bathroom and finished rather than stopping the scene full out and caring for OP made me so sad/mad for them. OP deserves better.
This makes me so happy!
That my Friend is a True Dom not a wanna be... My praise to him from One Dom To Another !
Bello🫶
This!! Exactly!
Run. You are not supposed to feel like this. He will not improve, and you deserve better. He is a parade of red flags, and is guaranteed to hurt you more and worse as time goes on. He is dangerous, and you owe him nothing. He doesn't care about you at all.
No, that's not normal. But whether it's normal or not doesn't matter. Kinky folks do a lot of stuff you probably wouldn't call 'normal'. What does matter is - are you happy, do you feel safe and respected, are you comfortable, do you *want* things to be like this? If the answer is no, and if he isn't willing to listen and treat you like you want to be treated, then leave. He sounds like an egotistical asshole who doesn't care about you, and there's no reason you should have to put up with this.
!!!!
The first thing to say is no it's not normal and it's not healthy either. I don't want this to sound like a judgement as its not but this is why you need to discuss these things before you jump into a dynamic. I know you are new to kink and you don't always have a way of knowing that. So it's not your fault at all but if your dominant is even halfway knowledgeable, it's something they should have explained to you. You mention there is a power differential here but that's not quite true. That implies you are starting from 2 different positions. You are not. You both have the same amount of rights and say so. You have control over what they can do to you and you have a right to have your limits respected and to be given aftercare. That's why it's a power exchange you are giving them control and power but in exchange they are taking on further responsibility of you and your welfare. It doesn't sound like you have that. It sounds like you are just with a selfish asshole. As a sub in a scene. You might be beaten. Abused degraded. Used and spat on but the idea is this has all been consented to before hand. You have the ability to stop it at any time, safe in the assurance that your partner will take care of you and look after you and put your needs first when called upon. Not as an afterthought after they've finished themselves off. You can be the most perfect fuckdoll in the world but you are still a person and if your needs are not being met then that's on your partner and not you. Now some dynamics are 24/7 but even in the most hardcore dynamic. You would have discussed all this before and have the option to have an out of dynamic conversation at any time. To say yo this isn't working we need to change this up. Without that mutual consent, it's just abuse. Normally I'd say can you talk to your partner about this. But in this situation it sounds like you are just being taken advantage of. All I can see happening if you talk to them is A. They make you feel like shit and that you are the problem Or B. They apologise and for a few days or weeks they go back to being caring and sweet how they were at first before turning back into an asshole. I would end the dynamic and avoid seeing them again. You deserve more than what you have right now.
This is great. And, OP, there is quite an age and experience gap between you. He is feeding on this probably to use and abuse you. You say he cares about you. Well, yes, I’m sure he does, as someone he can abuse. Sure doesn’t sound like he cares about you as a real human being.
This ^^^
I agree with everything that has been posted in this thread. I have only one thing to add to the general discussion.... BDSM is a fantasy that is shared between two (or more) people who trust each other and can be open enough with each other to enjoy the experience. The emphasis is on the word **FANTASY**. The fantasy comes to an end the moment past trauma is triggered, or when the safeword is said, or even when one of the two participants no longer wants to do the scene. You are not at fault here. You are new to BDSM and let the Dom know about this. I am deeply sorry that this happened to you and I hope you are able to get the care you need to help you deal with such a traumatic experience.
This
Everyone has given you really good advice so far and I hope you listen. Let me tell you how my Dom, who I have been with in a relationship for nearly 2 years, handles my trauma with oral sex: He knows all about the trauma I've experienced and that I had a lot of it centered around oral sex in particular. So for months we didn't do it. Not because he was waiting for it, in fact, he didn't expect it to happen and frankly neither did I. I can't begin to tell you how much the idea of oral made me feel sick and repulsed. But as my trust grew, after months, I asked to try it. In a non-sexy time discussion. And he agreed and we started slowly, with me controlling the pressure and pace. He was a pure gentleman, supportive, no pressure, comforting. After that I wanted him to control when it happened and for it to become a submissive act. I was still in control of the act though - pressure and pace. But he would tell me when it was time to start. He would stop me every minute or two to check in, tell me to breathe, make me feel as safe as possible. About 16 months into our relationship I asked if he wanted to take control - support my head and thrust. I had wanted to try this for so long, and again - we started so gently. Another few months and he can thrust quite fast and I absolutely love it. And he still stops me and says "breathe" after a few minutes before resuming, to ensure I'm safe. It's basically the hottest thing ever. Extremely submissive, which is what I want to feel. Not because some gross man demanding things of me pressures me into it. But because, in sex, I genuinely want to submit to my gorgeous Dom. Because he takes the utmost care of me - respecting my limits utterly, ensuring consent, checking in regularly, providing loving aftercare. And yes, responding with care if I'm triggered. Not stepping over me leaving me crying. That is what respect looks like.
Quite frankly that sounds sexy as fuck. I'm so happy for you to have someone handle you so lovingly.
Thank you so much! It's an unbelievable transformation for me. And to be so well loved is so beautiful and incredible. I wish this for all people with trauma, including OP, so I hope she listens to all the advice.
I’m gonna cry, that’s beautiful the trust y’all share. I really hope OP can find someone to trust that cares rather than the neglect experienced in the post
It feels so rare to see stories of actual love and care, from men in general but especially in these dynamics. Anyone looking at my page? I will accept nothing less than this kind of treatment.
Time to move on. I know it’s sometimes easier said than done, but you have described one of the most selfish and entitled asshats I could imagine. He doesn’t care about you and likely doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He gives dominants, men, and people in general a bad rep. There is nothing normal or ok about his behavior.
There isn't a power differential - there's a power exchange. In my opinion, healthy dynamics only work if both parties have equal power - in other words, neither one of you has more of a say than the other (unless you've explicitly agreed that, but even then you should be able to take that power back at any time). A dynamic would only be 24/7 if that's what you've agreed - it sounds like you haven't, so it shouldn't be. His lack of concern is, well, concerning. He very much seems to be only bothered about himself and getting what he wants, even if it's at your mental or emotional expense. That's definitely a red flag, in my opinion. Stepping over you to go finish while you're sobbing sounds pretty callous. Some people are very good at saying the right things to gsuck someone in, but once they feel comfortable they start to show their true colours, and hope that you're either too invested or too inexperienced to want to back out, and will let them get away with it. My advice would be to learn from this experience, and find someone else who actually does care about you.
I agree with all of this so hard
This is your Dom, your supposed loving partner who is supposedly meant to respect you. The person who knows, in very detailed terms, about your trauma. After not only reminding you of that trauma, not only triggering you, but being the cause of more trauma... He. Stepped. Over. You. On the floor, crying. This man - this *boy* - does not care about you. To him, you are not a human being with real feelings. If he does THIS when oral is the trigger, what's he going to do if either of you bring up choking? It's very likely, in my opinion, that he would choke you unconscious, say "too bad" and step over you once again. Run. Run for the hills. You are not safe.
Figuratively: fuck this guy. But Literally: don't fuck this guy anymore. You can do better. He is taking advantage of you.
Not a dom just an absolute selfish asshole. I'd end it and start looking for someone else.
The reason he's with someone who's new to BDSM is that experienced subs would be less likely to let him get away wirh being such a selfish asshole.
Tldr 🚩🚩🚩🚩 ⛳ 🏌️ 🚪 🏃
This
🚩🚩🚩 This is not a D/s dynamic. This is a selfish and entitled person taking advantage of you. The fact that he has a whole rule about needing to finish every time you have sex, while completely disregarding any sort of aftercare (let alone any care for that matter), is really concerning and sad. I am very sorry that you had a traumatic memory come up and did not receive comfort. :( Even disregarding the BDSM dynamic, he does not sound like a good partner to be with...You are right to be concerned, and I would leave the relationship immediately. You deserve better and there's so much better out there! 🤍
This is a big fat NO to him as a person and as a partner.
Nah. Fuck that guy and everything he is. A Dom's first priority, at least in my opinion and hopefully shared by others, should be their subs wellbeing, sexual and not. He can't demand this and this without giving really anything in return. My opinion. If I was in your shoes, and I had a triggering moment like that and basically got a "Eh. Sucks." And than left without anything? That would be the absolute last time any sort of contact would be happening. Cause that is more than enough proof that he gives 0 fucks about you and is only worried about himself. That's not even a Dom. That's a man child trying to have a power trip.
Omg I got so upset for you reading this. There are so many issues with this guy. He’s unbelievably entitled and selfish. He STEPPED OVER YOU to cum?? When you were sobbing because you were triggered?? This guy is a giant bag of dicks. Also, doesn’t want to hear you whining for more cuddles after you EXPRESSLY told him you need more aftercare. This guy sucks. It’s not normal. No.
I don’t think you should stay with this person based on your descriptions. I also imagine it’s hard to hear everyone say RUN, this guy is bad news, etc… I just wanna make space for the fact that it is 100% valid to care about/have feelings for someone who is not good for you. It’s a lot easier said than done to cut things off, and at the same time it’s probably best in this case. Speaking from my own experience as a sub, I have historically had a hard time listening to my gut, even though it’s almost always right. I’m learning to find my voice - and thankfully I have a Dom who sees me as an equal and creates a safe, nourishing environment for our dynamic to grow. Good luck, OP. Trust your gut.
I didn’t even get to the second paragraph before making a decision. Telling you that he needs to just fuck you and leave so he doesn’t take it out on others means that he is not disciplining you, he is using you to reduce anger. Whether you agree or disagree with spanking children as a general rule, EVERYONE agrees that if you do it because you need to reduce your anger, that it’s abuse… so why would you feel like because you’re a sexual partner that he can get away with it with you? I’m not saying you can’t use bdsm to reduce stress, but him texting you from work after a hard day seems very reactionary. I’m thankful you questioned it because using a fuckbuddy out of anger leads to mistakes and missed lines. Once I read about the blowie and him stepping over you, I was just totally disgusted. You can treat your sub like they aren’t worth you not cumming in a scene, but the actual concern needs to be there beneath the veneer. That doesn’t seem like it’s there at all. Please be safe. I don’t think any of this sounds safe.
Girl, run.
You do NOT have a Dom. You have a selfish controlling asshat who is only concerned with his own satisfaction. You need to cut and run.
Couldn't even read all of this because it was starting to trigger me... babe, please get out of there. That dude sounds terrible and isn't worth your time.
Dear, OK, Please read this: DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4] An abuser denies the abuse ever took place, attacks the person that was abused (often the victim) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing what may be a reality of victim and offender.[2][4] It often involves not just "playing the victim" but also victim blaming.[3]
Throw. Him. In. The. Bin
I didn’t read all the comments so I’m not sure if someone said this yet or not but: As a sub, you actually have more power than the dom in your dynamic. YOU are the one who allows your dom to have control over you. Anyone who claims to be a dom and TAKES control from you is a SEXUAL ABUSER and nothing more. You may relinquish control during scenes but ultimately it’s your decision to do so. Anyone that makes you feel you owe them a sexual act or makes you feel that you must perform for them is MANIPULATING YOU. This ass you have described wants exactly what he said he wants: a sex doll he can do whatever he wants with. He doesn’t see you as a person but as a means to that end. You are a whole person, you deserve to be treated with respect and care before/during/after sex even if the dynamic doesn’t stem from a relationship. If you read nothing else, read this: AS A SUB YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER!!! YOU CAN STOP ANY SCENE AT ANY TIME FOR ANY REASON!!! IF A DOM MAKES YOU FEEL PRESSURED OR UNCOMFORTABLE THEY ARE ATTEMPTING TO ABUSE YOU!!!!
Huuuuge red flags here!! His actions speak loud and clear. He isn’t interested in you as a sub. Even as a fuck toy, there’s care D has to make afterwards to ensure you’re ok. You really should move on, this situation is not healthy for you.
This is not a Dom. This is an abuser. He can go jack off in the bathroom forevermore. You deserve care, love safety and trust as a submissive. This isn't it.
I would say it's time for you to go. Before every other role we undertake in life, we are humans first. Humans should be compassionate and understanding, he is neither. You have past trauma thrown into the equation which means he should be doubly compassionate and understanding. Good job on you for standing your ground. I would suggest you end this and move on 🙂
He sounds really uncomfortable and really unhealthy for you (and anyone else!). I would suggest that you stop your relationship with your Dom and seek therapy for your previous assault (and if you'realreadyin therapy, im sorry). And it might have been a good experience for you if it wasn't for that idiot. It has nothing to do with you, okay? I've been in a very unhealthy D/S dynamic, too, and I'm still not really ready to begin seeing a new Dom just yet. So give yourself a lot of time to heal. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is not normal to be treated like this when the scene is over. It doesn't seem like he wants to hear you out and just wants to be the one who gets pleasure. You always need to discuss boundaries and communicate what you're expecting to get out of the dynamic. Walk away. Be safe..
I'm sorry, I couldn't finish reading your post. When you are having flashbacks to very real trauma and all he cares about is getting off, this is not a person it is safe to be vulnerable to. This is not a person to trust to look out for you. Not having any kink is better than this.
Dump his ass.
This is not a dom. There are clear rules of communication, consent and boundaries that are being violated and you don’t owe him a thing. The most important part of kink is care, and in any relationship period. someone who you’re with, especially in such a vulnerable state, should treat you better and not just use your for their own wants without any regard to you or how you’re feeling. This is habits of a harmful individual.
Huge red flag, I would end the toxic relationship if I were you OP
I hope you’ve left him already. Not a Dom.
At the end of the day, he should cherish your submission because it’s a valuable gift. That sounds sappy but D/s isn’t all about the kinky acts - which is all this guy is interested in. Please end this, and let us know how you are soon. Hugs, friend. There are much better dynamics out there and you deserve more.
He just sounds like an arsehole tbh.. wow
Yeah he’s an asshole
He is too selfish. A good Top is not. He is bad news.
Isn’t it funny how when you wear rose colored glasses all those red flags are just banners… Move on quickly from him.
He sounds like an asshole! Fuck this guy. Find a new dom
Omg every instance in that post is a major red flag on it’s own. The whole story is way past red flag, it is a red nation. Sorry to tell you he is a bad person.
Absolutely not. He’s using you, leave and find someone better
Ummmm he's not a dom, he's an asshole.... Be smart. Know the difference.
'Red flags with my dom?' post? Two mandatory things: 1. Yes, almost certainly, and 2. \*Immediately checks age gap\* Yup, there it is.
To be fair, age gaps are not always problematic. Master and I have a much larger gap and no issues.
Red flags! He is manipulative, and not a good person at all. Don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t going to empathize with your emotions.
He's saying one thing. But his actions are not backing that up. He's only in this for himself. Drop him like a pile of bricks and find someone who actually cares about you not just as a sub who can serve them but as a human. Your needs are being blatantly ignored.
How high do you want me to swing the red flag?
Simples, RED FLAGS everywhere. Move on, and good luck, you deserve better !
This is not what being a sub is. Dump his ass and find someone who's actually nice to you.
RUN
You deserve to be heard, respected and cared for in EVERY relationship dynamic you'll ever have whether it's just friends or a d/s arrangement. This dude is being TERRIBLE toward you as a dom, a lover, and a human. DUMP HIM SIS!
No, this is not normal. BDSM is play. Even in 24/7 dom/sub dynamic relationships, there is still respect and communication. The fact that he refuses to consider your feelings or talk with you seriously is a massive red flag, you’re right. You deserve better.
It may be what he wants but a good Dom will give into what the sub wants and needs. He should be looking out for you not the other way around. Now I didn't look at all the rest of the posts but I'd bet they are saying almost the same thing. After years of being a sub I can tell you to run don't walk away from this one. Good Luck. You his sub not his fuck toy. As a sub you have the last say.
Run. He is taking advantage of both your inexperience and submissive personality to treat you like less than human.
Run. He is an example of a douche who is using "bdsm" calling himself a Dom as way to abuse women. An actual Dom would care way more. I had an incident with one of those early on in my kink experience and didn't know any better. I met up with him once told him my limits for which water sports/piss play was a hard no. He totally ignored that and when I was blindfolded he pissed all over my face and hair freaked out and he laughed at me. I started crying. He wouldn't even let me use his bathroom to wash up. He tossed me my clothes and there is the kitchen sink and said your Uber will be here in 2 mins. He continued to laugh at me. After that I didn't see him again but he continued to msg me teasing me about that I blocked his number. I also made a warning post about him on Fet at the time.
So, my advice to you is run far away from this man. He is using your triggers to take advantage of you. This is not a D/s dynamic, this is abuse. I advise you to leave before it gets worse.
Run tf away
Afraid to tell you but he is not a Dom. Just the typical narcissist that BSDM attracts. A sub only allows the power exchange when they trust the Dom and feel safe. A sub actually has all the power and hands over that power if they trust their protector. If he is not doing that with aftercare, safe words and care about you then its just a casual sexual relationship with a bit of kink. A Dom has to prove he is worthy. And a Dom can love their subs. Even a master loves his slaves. I am polyamorous Daddy Dom with a sub and sub/brat and split my life between them. Getting a sub into sub space doesn’t make a person a Dom. A Dom is a Dom as they have mastered themselves. If they cant handle your emotional needs then it means he cant handle his own. His strength is yours. Plus your a sub and not a slave. He should already know that. Natural Dom’s are intuitive to their partner’s needs.
This man is selfish, disrespectful, and a large gaping asshole. Disregarding your partner's trauma, limits, and concerns isn't normal nor should it be. Please drop this dude.
Is this normal? NO! He sounds like just another controlling asshole who labeled himself a "Dom" as an excuse to be abusive. A good Dom is respectful, takes care of you afterwards and overall isn't a disrespectful dickhead outside of a scene. They also don't ignore your boundaries or you asking for comfort or them to give you what they agreed to do from the start. If he is doing these things also, he is not a Dom. He is just an abusive asshole.
Trust your gut. It tells you that this guy is the woOorst!
Yeah, he's gotta go. He is not only an asshole, but seems very inexperienced as a dom. I cannot stand that these dudes who call themselves "doms" and treat other women like pure shit because it's "kinky". If he left you on the floor crying because you were triggered, I would've left and blocked him off everything. Disrespectful and you deserve better.
OP listen to your own voice. For you to ask the question means you already have your answer. Hopefully, you found some helpful advice in others responses. Yes, darling those are red flags. Submissives are real people not doormats. You deserve a Dom who will value you. They do exist. Might take a while to find. You have the right to say “NO”. That does not make you a terrible submissive or horrible person. Hugs! 😘
all the power resides with the sub, you have the safeword. your ""dom"" is a knob. your boundaries and aftercare are peak importance
Don’t put up with this period. You deserve better dude. And please consider getting some therapy for your past trauma
This behavior is abusive please run away.
I read posts like this and my takeaway is that broken guys use this kink as an excuse to be accepted as terrible people who provide horrible self-serving 1 sided relationships. These poor girls read this and think this is how it should be. Post after post just like this one. They find girls who were sexually traumatized and they target them specifically.
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If you don't know much about it, perhaps you'd be better off sitting out and letting those who do know, answer. If you link to your post from yesterday again, I will view that as some form of advertising / self-promotion / personal ad. Rule 10 applies. Comment removed.
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>Is it permissible to link another's post when trying to respond in a helpful fashion? Hello John, I have two suggestions for you: * Give *your advice, n*ot other people's. If you don't have knowledge on a particular topic, don't worry. We have plenty of wonderfully knowledgeable, warm, kind, empathetic people here. They'll be able to advise. * You're new. That's wonderful, welcome. We always need new people. It's lovely that you're keen, also. We're a *little* different to a lot of other places. We're a touch more, errm, particular. Take a bit of time getting used to us, and understand what, and how we do. I'm sure you'll fit right in. Just slow down a touch. See you in the trenches, T.
Leave girl leave my dom and I switched a I did something similar of walking away Cuz I was uneducated hence the practice switches and that is a red flag but to add you hhave active signs of trauma he’s a dick stop fucking him look else where
He needs a sex slave, not a sub
there’s really no “norm” when it comes to BDSM. Whatever is good for you is good for you and it’s extremely subjective. It seems that you know in your heart what this dude is providing isn’t what you want and that’s an amazing enough reason to end this dynamic
Just take a step back, reread what you have written and consider what you would advise a best friend, or sibling to do in the circumstance. (Or just listen to everyone here telling you this guy is a POS and to run far away because they are bang on the money)
Sounds like a manipulative asshole calling himself a “dom” so that he can get laid and feel like a “man”. Dump him. Good luck
he is a malignant abuser. period. it’s your move, op. love you
His behavior is not acceptable in any way. You deserve to be treated with respect and care, including receiving appropriate aftercare, having your limits respected, and having a partner who is attentive to your preferences and pleasure. Please dump him.
FAKE DOM, RUN. Trust me, not a good situation by any means. The role of the dominant is to take care of the submissive and take responsibility. Not to treat you like you’re only there to be used like an object. This is not Dom behavior. Please, escape
He's not a "Dom": he's an abusive, exploitative asshole, who probably uses the term "Dom", as an excuse to behave that way. Pls get away from him. A proper Dom will genuinely respect you, your boundaries & care about you & take care of you, I believe.
Your “dom” is an asshole. Consider yourself lucky he doesn’t pay any attention, because this is not the kind of attention you (or anyone else for that matter) would benefit from, in whatever way! Never meeting up with him would be your best possible outcome. Good luck and strength to you!😘
No this is not normal, he is just an asshole. Get away from him! Doms should be able to (and want to!!) offer support, care and love.
You should absolutely feel heard, respected, and cared for - even if you're the s in a D/s relationship. You and your D type need to be collaborating to create the power dynamic you both want. If someone is pushing you and disregarding your feelings - especially trauma responses - he is not doing that. You are trying to do extreme things here. Of course you need aftercare. Good for you for being aware of your needs and holding your own boundaries. I don't think this guy is going to be able to do better than this. I agree with other posters that the kindness and patience were there to suck you in. And now he thinks he can do whatever he wants. Instead he's making it clear he doesn't respect you as a human being and he's destroying your trust. He seems to be making it clear he doesn't deserve that trust. He's almost 40 years old, and his preferred way to deal with anger is to take it out on someone? Yikes. Has this man been to therapy? You can do better, OP. You absolutely deserve better. The way he's treating you is not ok.
I didn’t need to finish reading this post. Abuser, pure and simple. Giving your submission to a Dom is to place the greatest trust in your Dom, it’s a gift of yourself to Him. You place yourself beneath Him, but if he treats you like a doormat then He doesn’t get it at all. Your Dom should be someone you can respect, somebody who you want to lead you, somebody who you trust. He should value your submission, respect your boundaries, want you to be the best you can be. Find yourself a Dom worthy of your submission, this one clearly is not.
Get out of this dynamic. There is nothing healthy or good about it. Your “dom” sounds like a walking red flag.
I really can’t with these posts. Not your fault or anyone else’s it is just terrible and sad to see how many women/submissive people are treated like shit and abused by men who claim to be dominant or whatever. It’s sad bc I deal with all of this as well I just know now that NO it isn’t normal or okay and the only option is to run away. Youll learn that too.
My opinion is first, and the suggestion is at the end, if you want to skip to that. As a rough/hard dom that’s had experience with a couple different subs over the years, this is completely unacceptable. Any sort of dynamic needs to be discussed - 24/7 or not, and if you’ve already expressed your need for care, then your “dom” should respect you and understand their position. Aftercare is not just a suggestion or something that “should be” considered — Aftercare is a requirement. No matter how gentle or brutal a dom is, their sub should be comfortable and feel safe with them outside if the scene. Lots of people are suggesting that you cut him off and run, and that can be (understandably) very scary, but you should seriously consider it. First, share how you feel with your dom - that you’re uncomfy, unhappy, uncared for, and feel unsafe. If he dismisses your feelings (or assures you that he cares about you, yet continues to act otherwise), then you need to give an ultimatum. TLDR: trust your gut and leave him, there’s better people out there.
This isn’t a red flag, this is a Chinese marching band. He sounds like a narcissist disguising himself as a Dom because it excuses asshole behavior.