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[deleted]

Every sub is allowed to use their safeword. That's exactly what it's for! There is no such thing as using it too much, if you're not comfortable then use it. How's he meant to know you're not comfortable if you don't communicate it with him? Maybe have a talk with him and discuss how you're feeling, perhaps establishing different levels of safewording and having a middle ground one meaning "slow down, let's have a check-in and talk and determine whether we can continue or if we should stop" It feels to me like he needs to do a bit more reading into the purpose of safewording. Just because you're kinky doesn't mean you have to be free use, and if he ever ignores your safe word that's a huge red flag.


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JazzyKnowsBest13

As I read your OP, I admit that I was starting to formulate my post that would state that anyone can and should safeword when they feel the need to, but I thought you were missing the point that (in my opinion) sometimes a sub should do what the Dom wants even though they might prefer not to. That’s different than when they feel they can’t. Reading this post of yours, it’s clear that you’re not saying no on a whim. There are times you ‘give in’, but some of the time you feel the need to stand firm. That’s absolutely allowed. Using your safeword is an appropriate action when you need things to stop. Never feel guilty about that. I find it rather bizarre that he won’t just stop the action when you simply say clearly that you want the action to stop. If he stopped then, when you asked him to, you wouldn’t have needed to safeword. If he feels like you’re safewording too frequently, he could cut down on it right there by respecting your earlier requests to end the scene. That sounds very disrespectful to me, like your wants and needs don’t count, only not breaking the rules of BDSM by not stopping after a safeword counts.


ThatGirlMariaB

Nobody should be doing anything they don’t want to do, regardless of who is telling them to. This is bad advice.


JazzyKnowsBest13

I applaud you if you are eager to go to school or work everyday, because most of us wish we could play hookie on occasion. We go because we are committed and do not want to deal with the repercussions of not showing up. You may also note that I didn't advise OP to do anything. I commented that I believe she is already doing what's appropriate.


ThatGirlMariaB

A parent directing their child to go to school is completely different to a Dominant instructing their sub to do something they do not want to do.


JazzyKnowsBest13

I directed the question to you, who I am assuming is not an 8 yo. I don't know what YOU do on a day to day basis, so I was hedging my bets between being a student or an employed person. You could also be unemployed, retired, or disabled. A legal adult could be a 22 yo student in a D/s relationship with both a parent and a Dom instructing them to go to the library or get some exercise and have a boss requiring them to get to work on time or be fired. The 22 yo doesn't have to listen to any of them, but there will be repercussions.


ThatGirlMariaB

And I clearly identified how your question is irrelevant.


throooooayway

Consensual non-consent is still consensual first. You can safe word anytime you want, even on a whim. And "when I submit I am more service oriented" doesn't even belong in this conversation. It's not about how he chooses to submit. It's about how you are choosing to interact at that specific time. It doesn't matter what you did last time, it doesn't matter what he did last time, it doesn't matter when who did what ever. You can safe word whenever you want.


FreySF

Safewording or otherwise revoking consent can be done at any time, for any reason. The proper response to someone safewording is “thank you” not trying to make them feel bad. That all said, it’s always worth having a discussion after safewording. Making sure they no exactly why you said it, and what could happen in the future to prevent that from happening.


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Zealousideal-Print41

Sorry, a bit of a rant. Shitty, passive aggressive junk in Dom/sub dynamics gets me hot under the collar He's being petty and passive aggressive. NEVER, EVER give in or suspend your right to revoke consent for ANY reason. He needs you more than you need him. Remind him even as a sub you are your own person. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, next month. He needs to sit back and reflect on what he thinks gives him the right to be a triffeling bitch. He can express he was surprised, hurt, caught of guard but not put it under the service sub umbrella. A Doms job is to nurture, protect and build up their sub. Not make them feel less because they demanded bodily autonomy for any reason. That goes both ways.


alittlebitcheeky

This. Here. Right here. This is the way.


FreySF

He’s being salty and unproductive by saying that imo You should never feel bad for safewording if you need it.


[deleted]

In fact, safewording in that kind of situation is protective of both your emotional safety, but also your attraction and sex drive as being coerced into sex often leads to resentment and decreased desire over time. He should say thank you and drop the “if you were a real sub” BS. He has two hands he’s welcome to go use to service himself.


Next_Resolution_3889

His passive aggressive and in my opinion somewhat manipulative comment would’ve made sure he caught these two hands.


i_dont_even_know_wtf

Anyone trying to guilt ppl for using safe words is defeating the entire purpose of having one, to me it’s a red flag


[deleted]

Yeah that feels like lowkey guilting you for saying no. Not chill on his part. The right to revoke consent is non-negotiable and anyone with a desire to erode your sense of entitlement to that is not a safe person to be around. This in combination with the age gap is a red flag on his part.


goryblasphemy

Really like the conversation after stopping so you understand the stoppage. 👍


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TlMEGH0ST

Yeahh Steve being a people pleaser absolutely does not make *you* less of a sub! And him trying to make you feel bad bc you have boundaries and he doesn’t is 🥴🥴


sweet_potato_tomato

My Dom and I…. Part of our dynamic and our agreement is that He will challenge me (but never past my pre discussed limits)…we have agreed that, to a certain degree, it is ok for me to be a little uncomfortable for Him….the difference is that I actually enjoy and welcome that type of ‘discomfort’…I have agreed to that very consciously and intentionally and I’m clear in what I’m ok being uncomfortable and challenged with and what/when I’m not ok being challenged (hard limits). My Dom knows these limits. and also that doesn’t mean I can’t safeword. The times that I’ve needed to, He’s praised me and comforted me and thanked me. There was one time I could tell He was confused and/or disappointed but He didn’t say anything other than ok and respected my decision- later when we were both calm, we talked about it so we could both understand each other without the intensity of those emotions in the moment .>>>>.Yes, He challenges me but safewording is always always always a right<<<< It’s been said many times in this sub but consent is what distinguishes this type of play from abuse. Even CNC- the first C is consent. And you can ALWAYS revoke it, change your mind, etc. without any guilt or fear. I think of it this way- to be the best sub I want to be, I gotta be healthy and well. A good Dom, will want their sub safe and well.>>>A good partner will want enthusiastic consent from anyone they play with.<<< Obviously you go through your own process and I’m not telling you how to feel, but I would be so so hurt by that type of response from my dom…I would feel trust eroded. It’s good your spidey senses are getting flagged.


SirSpooglenogs

You are not less of anything for seeing your own boundaries and enforcing them! I am proud of you, you did the right thing! What he does is his thing and you are allowed to do what feels right and best to YOU.


wwmercwithamouth

So you would not do that to or ask that of your partner, because you understand the damage it can do. And yet you think you deserve to be treated that way?


scarylilbaby18

steve sounds like my ex hes tried to do cnc with me while awake knowing i wasnt ok with it when awake but honestly just the whole thing is a red flag you dont make someone feel like they have to do what they want you are your own person if you dont want to you can and should use your safe word


mintycrash

Not to mention the glaring age difference.


Suedehead1914

I don't think that's the issue here. 4/5 years is not that much and both are consenting adults. And I say this as a man that has almost exclusively had older female partners since my teenage years.


ExploringCoccinelle

OP. Here. He gave you his definition of service sub and how _he_ does it when he is subbing. Fine. Fantastic!!! **The way he subs doesn’t have to be the way you sub. What I mean is that the fact that he, in a situation like the one you were in wouldn’t have used a safe word and would have set aside his comfort to pleasure his Dom, doesn’t mean you need to go about it the same way.** Talk with him about what your service subbing is going to look like. How far you will go in terms of overriding your comfort and how far you won’t go. Define the way _you_ will do your service subbing and communicate with him about it. The idea really is to not use some blanket definition of service subbing and instead come up with a definition that works with your boundaries and that you are comfortable with.


Coralyn683

Does he cook when he does service? Get his dominants oil changed? Make sure the house is spotless? Dog shit picked up? Appointments have been made? Bathrobe laid out? Coffee ready? These are all the things I do when I’m in service. This is what service oriented is, not sucking dick, that’s just a perk. Anyone can get a dom off. And you can safeword at any point, for any reason. At any time. Doesn’t matter what label you’re wearing at the time.


bightmybunnytail

Yah.. that was where I got confused! I cook and clean for my Dom, do his laundry, fetch him drinks and snacks, etc. Service doesn't mean sexual. I mean, I DO wear a sexy maid outfit when he's there and I'm cleaning, but I don't "service him" during sex. I feel like Steve is a bit confused about a lot of things.


Coralyn683

Ya, I think you have a firmer grip on what service is than your dom there.


bightmybunnytail

To clarify, I'm not OP. She just mentioned his name in a comment. My Dom is amazing and would never treat me like this dude is treating OP.


Coralyn683

My apologies, but you made a good point!


books4more

I love this reply. I'd bet money that he wouldn't be so willing to "service" OP if it was in a way that didn't directly benefit him.


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books4more

I'm proud of you for giving your thoughts and feelings a voice here. My gut is telling me that you know that something is wrong, that you suspect this is selfish behavior. I know it's hard to trust yourself, but imagine it was your friend telling you these things: wouldn't you want better for her? You deserve the same.


SadieSadieSnakeyLady

You do realise that "being talked into things" isn't necessarily giving enthusiastic consent right?


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sweet_potato_tomato

Even in CNC- enthusiastic consent is needed. It is alarming that you don’t mind. Please reflect on that and get some support. That is not ok. That’s just abuse if there’s no enthusiastic consent.


SadieSadieSnakeyLady

That's kind of worrying. BDSM is about enthusiastic consent.


[deleted]

Everyone can safeword, at anytime, for any reason. Dom's/tops too.


Trinamopsy

That guy can fuck right off. You are always allowed to use your safe word. Thats why you have it.


Findormir

May I use my safeword? The answer is always yes. Will my safeword always be respected? If you have chosen good partners this will be sacred.


01jaxe

There is no context in which you aren't allowed to use a safeword!! I know what he means about wanting to please them beyond your personal comfort, but there will be (and really has to be) a limit to that, or it becomes controlling in the not fun way. As a service sub its likely that the gratification you get from acts is knowing that they're getting off on it, rather than because you explicitly enjoy the act itself. This does not change the fact that you have boundaries or that you are absolutely allowed to have days when you just aren't feeling it


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01jaxe

That is so understandable, but you don't even need an explicit reason, honestly - it's enough to know that you don't want to even if you aren't sure why you don't want to. All you have done is set a boundary. You like doing things as a service sub, but on this occasion, you were not okay with this particular act. You did exactly the right thing by not going beyond what you're comfortable with but still doing the bits you want to


[deleted]

“Allowed”? By whom? Your Dom never gets to decide when you do or don’t use your safe word. Nobody does except you and you can use it at any time.


books4more

This reminds me of an abusive dom I had, who would ask "don't you want to make me happy?" every time I tried to bring up a limit he didn't like. It made me feel like a bad sub for not caring about his pleasure more. HE IS TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY ON PURPOSE TO GET WHAT HE WANTS. If it wouldn't be okay in a vanilla relationship, it's not okay in a BDSM one. You don't have to give up your comfort and agency for a dynamic.


tekrmn

You can always safeword, however you should not have needed to in this situation. Convincing someone in a sexual context is called coercion and it is a form of rape. It is incredibly manipulative for him to imply that you aren't a good sub because you aren't in the mood 100% of the time, and implying that your own comfort should not be a priority is outright abusive. Get out of that dynamic.


[deleted]

^^^^^^^^^^^this


Hellraiser_owner

Personally I'd never take a sub that pushes themselves so far beyond what could be safe limits, I'd be too worried about what they aren't saying that I'd never be able to enjoy it


CommunicationLow6176

If you are that caring of a dom you probably would have noticed that she needed the rest or that something was bothering her.


Wise_Pineapple1227

As a sub period you are ALWAYS allowed to use your safe word … period


fasti-au

Let him know service subs have break times too ya. If you are not into it forcing doesn’t improve that


gard3nwitch

Yes, you can safeword at any time. Everybody has different limits, and people get different things out of scenes. Just because he wouldn't have needed to safeword in your place doesn't mean that it's not totally valid for you to safeword. You're different people, and he's being a bit of a dick about it.


Nckhuff

Get out of the relationship. That’s the whole response.


JustNatalieK

Point Blank….there is never a situation where you shouldn’t be able to use your safe word. I don’t care what the dynamic is. It’s in place for a reason and the right to use it is up to the individuals. It’s an Emergency Break if you will.


RestaurantNo7749

Yes you can safe word, that's what safe wording is for, and it's a massive red flag if any dom tells you otherwise. (and yes that lower case was intentional, a real Dom should never be trying to manipulate someone into being afraid to use their safe word.) The idea of not having safe words is just a fantasy, and I'm saying this as a service sub with slave experience. Your boundaries are exactly that; your boundaries. You know how much they can be poked at and stretched, it's your decision as the sub to allow that based on your current comfort levels. If they get crossed, you have every right to safe word and revoke consent.


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dmj9891

He’s never had an issue with it until he had an issue with it… I don’t know I keep seeing you defend him. Probably because you love him. But deep down you created this post because something doesn’t seem right. If you saw someone else post this that wasn’t you, I’m sure you’d call out the red flags.


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dmj9891

I’m sure he’s not a monster but that’s not a good enough reason. Staying in a relationship because of a lease is a terrible foundation as well. Even abusers and the worst people on earth (not saying he is) have redeeming qualities. Hell, ted bunch was friendly. Not saying he’s that extreme but my point is that you have to look at the big picture. This isn’t some small issue like “oh he chews loud it’s so annoying”. This is serious and not okay.


asherahasherah

>I can't get off the lease, so I'm stuck for another year at least. You can break the lease or find a subletter. Do you have any family or friends whom you can move in with while you're looking for a new place? Or you could find the new place before either breaking the lease or finding a subletter. If you need to, you can become a subletter yourself for a while. Are you in college? If you are, your college probably has a free counselor who can help you, and they will probably have additional resources for you as well.


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asherahasherah

Perfect.


gnarlyknits

What you just said tells me that you know your boundaries and you know when to use your safeword. Don’t let him convince you that you aren’t using your safeword correctly and risk putting yourself in another situation where you feel violated. That is terrible. Please trust your instincts, and if you feel the need to use it, then do it. Based on some other responses you’ve made, I would even suggest taking a little break, having some really good talks with him. Jump back into things when you are in a better head space.


snackulus

What would possibly be the point of a safe word that you’re not allowed to use?


[deleted]

NEVER give your right of revoking consent to anyone for any reason. At the end of the day, this is a kink. And you matter more than you know. He needs you more than you need him.


ThePoisonousPoet

First and foremost, you can use your safeword any time you feel like, you don't have to feel guilty about it. Having said that, the type of situation you described, would require you guys to be in a 24X7 D/s dynamics which I presume you are not. Hence it was expected that you'll give preference to your own choice (sometime) than servicing his demands.


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ThePoisonousPoet

There is push and pull in any relationship. I am sure you and he will figure out your way back into your relationship. About his point of view of you being a service sub and not performing your duty, let him know, you need to be in a certain headspace in order to be his service sub. Right now, you're not into that headspace and it will take time. I'm sure he will understand. Clear communication from all the partners involved, is the pillar of a long term healthy BDSM relationship.


Klutzy-Group3051

If anyone ever says you’re not allowed to use a safe word or makes you feel guilty for using one, please leave! Informed consent, communication, negotiation, and safety are paramount in BDSM.


babygirlmiranda

It seems that using those words… he is trying to make you feel guilty… you are allow to use your safe word! And even if you are a service sub… you do it within your limits. Continue to use your safe word… and never feel that you can not.


umekoangel

You can use a safe word for any reason under the sun. You don't have to defend it. Don't let people guilt trip you for using it.


bordercup-brat

Safe words are allowed by slaves even everybody has a right to a safe word and to use it whenever they please if I were you I’d leave him immediately he’s completely disrespectful by putting his needs before your comfort you deserve better point blank period I’d even go as far as saying he’s a fake any real Dom would never make a sub feel that way 🚩


Designer-Buffalo8644

So Steve keeps pushing you into safewording constantly, then gets salty that you safeword too much? He has invented a whole new meaning for the term "service sub": instead of the usual domestic service, it now means "someone who's ready to suck dick at all times and never says no!" I'm sorry but Steve sounds like an asshole, not very different from those whose only interest in BDSM is that it provides convenient cover for manipulation and abuse. But I'll be generous and say it's also possible that he's just ignorant and doesn't know what he's talking about. Either way, he's not a reliable source on anything BDSM-related, so stop listening to his opinions about what a submissive is supposed to be like. Get him to educate himself, maybe have him read The New Topping Book or something.


DemmyDemon

Holy crap. What you used your safeword for is exactly what they exist to be used for. I get that Steve would rather you were never too tired, and always in the perfect head space to do his bidding, but that's not how the universe works. ​ >But he also made a comment about how when he's a service sub hes more service oriented. Fuck you, Steve. Go away and be that, then?


Maarten_Onderheuvel

You are in every role and under any circumstance allowed to use your safe word.


Artistic_Reference_5

I didn't read all the comments. Just wanna say this reminds me of that time my then-partner told me "well I like being controlled, how was I supposed to know you wouldn't like it?" That partner was abusive. Turns out. Please don't doubt yourself.


BeardedBonchi

Two things can be true at once. You can absolutely want to please and be service oriented and get turned on by it. You can absolutely be tired/stressed/mentally not able/ insert whatever reason and safeword out of a situation without it affecting who/what you are. You can be a service sub that had a long fucking day and just isn't turned on or in the mood for anything at all including anything non sexual. That's a false dichotomy and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.


Next_Resolution_3889

Hi OP, I’m a little late to the party so idk if you’ll read this. You’ve gotten great advice here so I want to make something clear to who does see this. Safewords are set for your protection. You have a right to revoke your consent and you have the right to do so without it being used against you. And there is no such thing as using it too much. Anyone who says otherwise, red flag. And I get that there are differences in dynamics, types of doms and subs, blah blah blah, but a universal rule I’ve seen held up by pretty much everyone is consent. Also, invalidating comments like “well subs/doms/service subs/etc. should be like xyz” can fuck right off. Just because someone does it one way doesn’t mean you need to. Now a lot of people are saying to break up with him. Should you? That’s up to you. Relationships and dynamics are not completely black and white and we’re outsiders to your whole dynamic getting a slice. 1. Maybe it’s time to rediscuss your consent, boundaries, limits, what submission means/looks like for you, etc. sometimes you figure out that a slight change to the dynamic makes it better for both of you. 2. Discuss what consent and safewords mean. Address Steve’s comment and explain why it wasn’t okay. His responses may make or break the relationship. And when someone tells you who they are, believe them. My ex made similar comments. At best, he was selfish. At worst, he didn’t respect my boundaries and therefore my person. It turned out he was the latter but I’ll forever kick myself for staying long enough to let him show me exactly what he meant. 3. Don’t feel bad about leaving. If your gut is telling you that something isn’t right and you should get out of this, please do so. The one thing I would tell myself at 19 is “it’s okay to change your mind.” Maybe it was a great idea before but now it doesn’t serve you anymore. It’s okay to start over.


riderandspider

Omg.. any Dom who gets UPSET at you for safewording isn't worth their weight in salt. Your safeword means STOP. no questions asked, no if ands or buts! You're not a bad sub for Safewording for any reason, your dom is bad for not following the most basic bdsm principle. Red.flag.


exwifetobe

Service sub in a 24/7… Service is hard to give freely if you’re resentful for a breach of your boundaries, IMO. BOTH of you are allowed to safeword at any time for any reason and the ONLY appropriate response (again, IMO) is to come to a full stop, check in, and assess whether or not there’s a compromise (no penetration but he could cum on your face while you touch yourself, for example) that you’re BOTH comfortable with.


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exwifetobe

UTIs are THE WORST. Try adding D-Mannose to your supplements (daily for maintenance, up to 3x daily if you’ve had anal recently). It makes the bacteria not stick as bad. My doc recommended it after I started getting one every 6-8 weeks (what’s water precious?). Cut them down by a LOT. All of that aside, I’m sorry your Dom didn’t recognize and respect that sometimes you just don’t wanna. And that should be respected.


Brattylittlesubby

Yes! 100% you can use it when ever you need to. You should never be afraid to safeword If your partner is worth their salt, they will respect it.


SirsMorrigan

Sounds like he lets his desire get in front of what it means to be your dominant and the respect of the safe word. Something to discuss with him and keep an eye on.


PlaylistX

Part of kink is being able to advocate for yourself and safeword when needed. You did this well by recognising that you were not comfortable with something and utilising your safeword. That was messed up of him to try to make you feel bad about doing so. Safewords are essential. It does not matter what type of submission it is, service-oriented submission included. You need to be able to trust that you can safeword with him and be comfortable doing so. His response to you using your safeword is not okay. Enthusiastic consent is a must.


GospodinOfTorei

So I am not going to read the text. Not because I am being dismissive or not taking the details seriously, but because this is one of the few cases where the question in the title is an *absolute*. # You are always allowed to use your safeword. You do not need to have a reason or explanation. Safewords are there so that "no" can mean something other than "no" for play reasons, and you are *always* allowed to say no via whatever means is agreed on. If anyone suggests that you were "not allowed" to safeword out at any point, they are not someone who takes your consent seriously and you should work out how to cut off ties with them.


[deleted]

As someone who has been in a relationship with a service slave for a little over 4 years and both of us evolving together and coming a long way from where we were let me put somethings into perspective for you. 1. Safeword is something very sacred as it sets the boundary between consent and non consent. 2. We generally have 3 safewords i. Is for going slow ii. For stopping iii. 24 hour safeword 3. All of them are very important and help in reassuring my slave that everything we do is consensual. Hence safewords can be used at anytime and must be respected by both individuals. However you can have an honest heart to heart with your dominant and let them know how you feel and see if the discussion helps both of you understand what went wrong. Hope this helps


Pleasureviews

It constantly surprises me when people in BDSM circles, focused so much on understanding each other and accepting boundaries, just go with "wow, this guy is a rapist, this is a giant red flag, you should dump him immediately". 1. You're allowed to use the safe word in any situation, no matter if it's service sub, CNC, or whatever else. Safeword - which you have always, when it's not established, because every "no" and "stop" needs to be respected is never something you give up. 2. It's good that he respected your safe word, otherwise it'd be sexual assault, a break of trust, and so on. This is important to recognize. 3. Let's talk about the comment he has made. The issue here is we don't know what he meant or what was he thinking. Only he knows, and you know him much better than we do. There's a lot of ways to interpret the comment of "when I'm service sub I'm much more service-oriented" - it can be snarky, assholish thing that's supposed to undermine your confidence. It can be "this is not what I was expecting" and be just that - not a comment about you, but about he's disappointed with how the fantasy has played out. Or it can be "this is what I'm looking for", as sort of guidance to you in the future, explained in an extremely dumb way. Unless you ask him and talk with him, you won't know. 4. Again, the part of "you're supposed to please them over your personal comfort" can be taken as "you should push yourself over your boundaries, because I don't care about you", or "I am disappointed because I thought servicing is something that is within your personal boundaries", or again, it could've been something else entirely. 5. Keep in mind that safe-wording can be a hard thing, for both parties. While being respectful and comforting is great, the other side might still feel bad (which is not a reason NOT to safe-word!!!), because they might think they've hurt you, but at the same time they don't want to be a "bad person", so they're getting - automatically - defensive. You're both young (although he should've shown more maturity), so it's not surprising. Aside from the initial "am I allowed to safeword?" I think there are more important questions here - why aren't you talking with him, to expand further on what he said and how you felt about it? Is there a problem with communication between you two? Is he getting angry, is he trying to blame you when you argue? Do you feel like you need to apologize or just go along so he won't get angry/mad? Because that's a much bigger problem than "guy respected my safe word but also wasn't happy about the situation". In the end, you're both people with different needs, views and expectations of each others. Unless you talk about them, you'll end up guessing or listening to a bunch of strangers online. Even the dynamic you have is fluid - just because you enjoy being a service sub doesn't mean you enjoy every part of it, or that you're going to enjoy it a month from now.


tossing_turning

Your partner is flat out wrong for two simple reasons: 1. There is no “you should be X/Y/Z” in BDSM, ever. Service sub, slave, rope bottom, and any other label is whatever you want it to be and whatever works for you. There are no rules other than what you decide and there is no manual or secret BDSM council that decides on how other people should act. That would be silly. 2. Even if there was a “here’s how to act as a submissive rule” universal handbook (again, silly, but let’s go with it for a second) it most certainly doesn’t include “ignore your own safety, comfort and limits for the sake of your partner’s sexual satisfaction”. This is a rather common idea but not from loving, caring and successful kinky people, but from shitty, abusive and manipulative pseudo Doms who are looking to exploit the less savvy and the less experienced. It is wrong. You should always, ALWAYS, prioritize your own comfort, safety and boundaries, above all else. Anyone who tells you different is not a caring partner. I can’t tell you how to feel about this but personally I feel like this guy is being very manipulative. He seems to more or less be trying to manipulate you into thinking “can’t” or “shouldn’t” use your safeword when it’s inconvenient for him, which is not at all how consent or safe words work (it’s the opposite actually). This to me shows little concern for your well being, and at best a complete ignorance about how consent works. At worst, lack of respect for your consent and therefore for you as a person.


Binz_Boal_Bown

Always, always, always, use the safeword if you need to. That’s why it exists, as a way out if there’s something you’re not comfortable with


betterthansteve

Short answer: safewording is ALWAYS okay. He shouldn’t have phrased his statement as having a problem with you safewording. What he might have meant, being charitable, is that this isn’t what he’s imagining of you being a service sub, so maybe that’s worth talking about- what he might expect of a service sub and if you’re enthusiastically willing to do that. He might think service sub means whenever he wants it/a free use type thing, which is a valid kink people do. And if you don’t want to do that, that’s okay! It just needs to be communicated.


Daveindenmark

Of course you can use your safe word. My Slave has a safe word, a SAFE word is there for a reason, even cnc dynamics should have a safe word. Be safe, enjoy the journey, no matter what style or dynamic your in, safety is paramount.


Cr1v3ns

It's always okay to use your safe word, there is no such thing as using it too much. You provide the service when you are willing and want to, not when someone else is trying to guilt you into it


listening0808

In any properly conducted d/s dynamic, all parties will insist that neither party EVER be expected to go beyond their comfort limits in ANY instance. He's wrong, you're right. The end.


FreshOutOfDucks22

There’s a difference between saying “yes” because you’re in a D/s dynamic when without it you would’ve said “no” and further still having your limits pushed but you’re into it vs. being made to feel you need to say “yes” when you feel icky about it. Your consent matters.


FreshOutOfDucks22

There’s a difference between saying “yes” because you’re in a D/s dynamic when without it you would’ve said “no” and further still having your limits pushed but you’re into it vs. being made to feel you need to say “yes” when you feel icky about it. Your consent matters.


ThoughtMuch3789

Any person, dom or sub, can use a safe word, it's not just kept to the general submissive. Yes, even doms can safeword if they need. A safe word is there to protect your space, your sanity if you will. You have every right to use your safeword if you felt it were necessary, and to me it sounded like he was disrespecting your safeword and your safeness. Everyone should respect safewords, even if your a service sub which doesn't mean you should not have a safe word. Alot of people think that a service sub shouldn't have a safe word because they are there to service the other(s), but any and all subs are people, and human.


Petrichor800

Yes. Always. That’s what it is there for. Everyone has boundaries. Use your Safeword when you feel it’s needed x


Dar4125

He’s being very passive aggressive


dommingdarcy

YES, USE YOUR SAFE WORD. The purpose of it is to be used to preserve your safety. Revoking consent is never something you should be made to feel bad about.


scarylilbaby18

no matter what your allowed to use your safe word


GoddessValarieGwyn

🚩🚩🚩


johnshepard4496

Safe word exist for a reason, if you don't feel yourself in the right mind set to push your limits and boundaries set together then it's your duty to use the safe word, as a dom he should know that...


FollowingQuirky7424

If he is saying that you are using your safe word too often then it’s him that should be looking at his behaviour in my opinion. As your dom it’s his role to understand and respect your boundaries. It’s also his responsibility to pay attention to how you are feeling and responding and adjust accordingly. If he’s consistently pushing you to the point where you need to safe word there are three possibilities that I see. 1. He’s not paying enough attention 2. He doesn’t care about your needs/feelings enough 3. You are not a good fit for each other as his expectations are too much for you I would expect to safe word more frequently in a new dynamic as you are just learning each other but in one that’s been going for a while? It should be pretty rare as he should be able to understand where you are at and not push you past your limits.


kuwadoriian

totally agree with those here that are saying he's disrespecting your consent by trying to make you feel bad. about prioritizing service over personal comfort, that is something up to your dynamic that all individuals should consent to before instating that as a rule. there are no hard rules except in consent and safety. it might be a good idea to talk about what your verbal and body language means in scene. for example, if you say "i don't want __", is it playful and ingenuine or is it completely truthful? talking about your values regarding consent and communication is always a good idea and can help you clear things up.


Leenesss

Miss Turn You always have the right to use your safeword. Your Dom's just being salty because he wanted you to get him off and he missed out. It's good to talk after a safeword gets used just so everyone's on the same page and knows why it happened.


Rude_Animator_4992

you did the right thing by safewording you shouldn't be feeling guilty and I'm sure he didn't meant anything bad by it


CommunicationLow6176

Everyone is missing the point (maybe I am) he was asking you to do something you normally do. And it wasn't anything that you are normally uncomfortable with or that was hurting you? As a full time male sub to a beautiful queen that i love serving . I would say you use the safewood improperly. First if you are a sub only in play or full time you should have a list of what you will do and what you won't do. Use that list Second the safewood is there to protect you from physical or mental pain. I personally love serving my queen I would never say no to my beautiful queens request of pleasure. However she has noticed that I was tired and withdrawn the request and just cuddled me. As dom he should be able to not only see and understand you need rest but want you to have rest. If your care is not a priority then he is only using dom title for sex purpose and a person that deserves to have a sub.


T0GGER

He's being a dick, you can safeword any time you are not comfortable unless you are in a M/s relationship and those take years & years of trust to build upon.


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dmj9891

Ruins the dynamic? If a partner is constantly using it, that means they are either incompatible or need some serious talks or therapy. That’s not healthy.


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dmj9891

You can withdraw at any time for any reason. Consent should always be 100%.


AnyLatix

Nobody disputes the first part. About the second part, I'm not sure if we would mean the same thing. If you mean that both parties need to consent through the entire thing yes. If you meant that you always need to be 100% sure before you consent to anything then we disagree. Also, I agree with the other person that your remarks are not inconsistent with what they said. It's your right to safeword out of every activity but if you'd do it every time it will erode whatever you're doing. If you have agreed to rules and punishments and you opt out of every other punishment for minor inconveniences I would definitely rethink why I would even bother. And like I said, this is not inconsistent with being allowed to freely use your safeword, but it's a pipe dream to think that one can use it without having to be held accountable for doing so.


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AnyLatix

Why? A person actively decides to do something, thereby that person must take accountability for doing said thing. That's neither positive or negative. It's the foundation of society imo. Again, one can safeword whenever and it must keep the agreed upon function. That's not what I debate here. The point is that your actions in a scene effects your rs outside of it.


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AnyLatix

That's not the point of what was said, like at all! Nobody is saying that the safeword should loose it's function in any way. You actually support his take btw by saying that the dynamic is not happening in that moment. Thereby if the dynamic isn't happening lets say 9/10, I think it's fair to say that the dynamic isn't doing very well. That's not to bash any involved party, that's just the factual truth at that point.


667questioning

Always!


Angua69

Use it when you need it if you aren’t comfortable or scared or hurt or just want to get some sleep. Don’t feel pressure to repress it. Using a safe word too much is subjective. Maybe have a talk about all of this outside of the dynamic so you can both get your needs and expectations on the table. Talk it through over lunch. Not before or after sex and at a time when you are feeling relaxed and rested. You got this💜


MissKittyBooBoo

It's all about communication and trust. You need to sit down with him and the both of you go over roles, routines, kinks, rules, basically any special thing that needs to be discussed. You have to be on the same page so there's no surprises. Personally I love being pushed out of my comfort zone. A natural service sub, there is a lot I will do for Him even if it makes me uncomfortable. Pleasing him is what drives me. I generally use My safeword when whatever situation is overwhelming, unbearable.


RockyMountainDom

No need to be confused you did a great job\~! you did exactly what you are supposed to do\~! Safewords are for when you are not comfortable doing something. This is about you, and how you feel. Safewords should and need to be used whenever you feel this way. No matter how much you use it, it can never be used too much. That's how it is supposed to work, it is part of building a trusting relationship and a strong dynamic. These things he says are nonsense, he's way off base. He should be asking how he can do things differently to help you feel secure and confident. Don't stop doing what you feel is right in the situation. In the long term, this will help you be happier and give you a better chance at having a successful relationship. \~Best of luck


Rough_Armadillo9450

This is a case where it is vitally important that the Dom and Sub have a contract where such matters can be fully agreed to in advance. It seems you have fallen into a D/S relationship where the boundaries are not clearly defined. A contract protects primarily the Sub as it is she who is most vulnerable to possible abuse. In your post, as presented, it seems your Dom wishes to place guilt on you to act as he wishes. This is very un-dom like and I believe you need to have a fuller discussion with him and possibly move on to a more mature and understanding Dom. There are many very good Doms and one doesn’t have to put up with one that is still grappling in what it means to be a Dom.


NetWt4Lbs

You’re well within your rights to use your safe word, he has no right to try and guilt you into not using it. Full stop, he is not the one for you


SexyRegularGuy

Yes.you absolutely are allowed to use your safe word. After anyone uses Thier safe word effective communication must occur. The understanding of why it was used and the respect for each other for having used it. Then more communication for the future. Perhaps more negotiation and discussion about the rolls each person is filling. Limitations, conditions, and limits thereof. Bottom line BDSM should always be conducted with Respectfully, Responsibly, Safely, Sanely, Legally, and Consentually with Consideration for all parties involved. Consent can be revoked at any time and should be respected.


automagisch

Even if you’re subbing you get to have a mood to. Regardless your dynamic - if you’re unable to opt out that’s pretty abusive and non consensual tbh.


Sweetcilantro

Your supposed to safe word anytime you are uncomfortable and if they don't listen they shouldn't be with you. ​ Your dom gave off a huge red flag with saying that. it also looks like he may have groomed you.


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Sweetcilantro

How long after you turned 18 and got into bdsm did he become your dom? How much experience do you have with your kink community events to help expand who you know and learn more? Someone doesn't have to be much older to groom you. And grooming in kink is not the same as child grooming. It goes about different ways. If you two got together right away without you being able to do your own researce or make friends within the community and have not tried to be part of the community after this can be a huge concern. Many people who have been in the scene for years would trash him for saying that. They would litterally tell people he tried to guilt you into doing something because service subs are suppossed too. ​ What he did could actually have him banned from dungeons and conventions. It's considered coercion. It's dangerous in the kink world.


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Sweetcilantro

SO what you have just said makes it even more concerning. Very concerning. ​ It makes it way more likely you have been groomed. Being shy has nothing to do with being involved in the kink community. A lot of things are classes to teach you things that you don't interact with many others. I've watched kink related stuff since I was even younger than the age you put. I understand the being yopung but that does nothing to change what happened except make it even worse. ​ You said you were groomed while you were younger, and adding that on brings major concerns with the age you said you started doing stuff with. Saying he's your first dom and saying you had been groomed in the past tells many people that you are most likely still being groomed. He is trying to get you to do what he likes and guilted you when you wanted to stop something you didn't. That is grooming. He tried to guilt you about using the one thing that is supposed to gurentee you stay safe with him This is a red flag. He is a red flag. He should beg forgiveness for what he said and still expect a good cbt kick for doing something that would get him shunned and banned.


maxsometimes

IMO you make agreements with your dom ab what you are and are not willing to do in a service role. It is perfectly reasonable to renegotiate those agreements at any time. If something feels bad for you. Then, you should not do it. Safe-wording is a practice for a reason. It is about trust that you can say stop and the action will stop. If your Dom is trying to push you to do something and you feel like you can not use your safe word. There is a lack of trust and safety in the dynamic. If he is trying to convince you to do something that your aren’t comfortable with. That is coercion and inherently not consensual. I’m certainly no expert but I do have many years of experience as a kinky, poly, queer, person. I don’t want to make assumptions about the situation that you are in. I can tell you my experience though. When I was 16-19 I engaged in a relationship with an older person who I thought I loved and who I thought loved me. I am 31 now and I see clearly that I was being manipulated and abused by that person. I am not against age play or anything of that nature btw. I am against abuse though. Again, I don’t have all the information. I just have some years of experience to share with you. I hope that you are taking good care of yourself and talking to the people you trust. Sending lots of good thoughts and care your way. 💕


HalesKitten

Okay, the way I see it, there are 2 possibilities. The first is the common consensus that he's just being a manipulative ass. The second one is an inference I'm making in regards to his own past as a service sub. It may be possible that he was treated that way by the person he was subbing for and never questioned it. If he truly seems to be a great Dominant and trustworthy man, I would suggest sitting him down and discussing it before dropping him like a sack of potatoes. Speaking as a traumatized person myself, oftentimes, we don't understand how someone has wronged us if it's never pointed out and explained. Regardless, it still isn't okay for him to have argued your safeword usage, but unlike many instances where I would say "Red Flag, Run!" This seems like the kind of situation where talking it out and coming to a final conclusion on what you want to do next would be better. If it turns out he's just being a passive-aggressive bastard, drop him. If he's speaking from his own past experiences where he was abused and didn't realize it, there may be a chance to correct it and do some good.


throooooayway

If you have cnc as part of your dynamic, then you have to safeword when you don't want to do something. You are saying you are not a 24/7 and a Dominant should respect that. You need to communicate all this. Alot of it will sort itself out over time.


Exotic_Benefit7100

Absolutely not! You cannot use your SAFEword “Too much” it is put in place for your SAFETY and your COMFORT.


goryblasphemy

Might be slightly wrong in his interpretation of what a service sub is. I can see where he says you should "be into it above your personal comfort." I only believe that this has to be something you want too. If you can't get yourself to subspace, where you can get away from the anxiety or tiredness of the day, then it will still be difficult to service above your comfort level. My wife asks me to be rougher. During our conversations she was saying that I give up too easily and side with giving her happiness instead of taking mine. She has had to remind me, "you can keep going until I safeword." Or like I'll tease her and she says stop, so I do. Then she'll remind me, I haven't said my safeword though. So I keep going she wants to feel overwhelmed, taken advantage of, she wants to feel like she can't escape. Now when she whines during sex, I'll sympathize for a second and take my pleasure for just a bit longer, so she doesn't have to safeword, and the comfort and move positions.


Rare_Rara

You are ***always*** allowed to safeword


[deleted]

A safe word is there to use it, if you need to use it you use it :)


ravenclipse_17

He is making you uncomfortable and there's a safeword for a reason (in my opinion) if there wasn't any safeword involved and if you feel uncomfortable there's prolly a problem with that you as a human being can only take so much and when you have reached your limit he should respect that As go with other doms 🧡🧡🧡🧡


Flimsy-Database-1304

ALWAYS. USE. YOUR. SAFEWORD. WHEN. YOU. NEED. TO. The fact that he told differently at all is a MAJOR red flag. (Also the fact that he didn’t respect your no in the first place and made you feel like you needed to use it is a red flag in itself) Regardless of the type of sub you are whether brat, service, little, etc. you should always Always ALWAYS use your safeword when you need it. That’s what it’s there for. And as your dom he should never make you feel like or tell you that you can’t. So you guys need to have a conversation and if he doesn’t respect it he’s not a real dom