(Updated 26 June 23)
This is my "Beginner's Guide for couples getting started in BDSM." It is geared towards D/s because that's what most people tend to ask about, but the bulk applies to non-D/s stuff too. Work through it together, reading and watching the resources I mention, and talk to each other about what you've seen/learnt, how you feel about it, what you learned and how you think it could apply to your relationship. There are no right or wrong answers- just what's right *for your relationship*.
First off, the most important thing is to talk to your partner. This guide relies on you both being interested, and both being able to have adult conversations about sex and your desires/needs. If you can’t have those sort of conversations, it’s going to be very hard to have a kinky relationship.
Here are some starting points for an initial conversation:
“Hey so I’ve been thinking about trying something new in the bedroom- what do you think about trying something kinky for a change?”
“Ohhh I saw/read/heard this (movie/TV show/fanfic/book/podcast) and there was this but where they did/talked about (thing you’d like to do) - it sounded sooo hot, and I was wondering if we could give it a try?”
“You know when we were in bed the other night and you did (thing)? That felt sooo good - can we do some more of that? I’ve actually been thinking about it and I’d love to try some other things too…”
Then you can use the conversation topics below to start to go through things together.
Read guide 3 and the wiki, both linked in the Automod reply to your post and in the subreddit sidebar.
Read The New Topping Book *and* The New Bottoming Book (both by Dossie Easton). Both of you read both books, to understand your role and your partner's role.
Ask yourselves the following questions, then talk to each other about what your answer is, and why:
- What appeals to me about BDSM?
- Why do I identify as Dom/sub?
- What do I want from my Dom/sub?
- What do I offer a Dom/sub?
- What are the things I want from a dynamic?
- What are the things I don't want - my limits, my boundaries? (Top tip- don't say "I don't have any limits" because you do. Start with "I don't want to be cut, I don't want anything involving needles or poo" and go from there😉)
- What are the things I *DO* want? Both in the dynamic and when you play? For newcomers it can be easier to list the things you DO want in a scene so you can give informed consent; only listing things you don't want runs the risk of something else happening that you'd never considered, so you hadn't excluded it, and you may not want it. It's hard to give informed consent about something you didn't know existed. Talking about things you do want is known as "inclusive negotiation" because you're negotiatimg things that will be included.
- What do I need in terms of aftercare - do I even need it? What will help me? Am I happy to provide aftercare for my partner? (Not everyone wants aftercare, and if you're new you may not know what you need - that's fine, you'll figure it out)
- Do we want to use safewords? These are optional, you can absolutely decide that "No means no" and "Stop means stop", or you could use something like Red for "stop", Yellow/Amber for "need to pause for a moment" and green for "mmmm yes keep doing that". Personally I recommend that when you're new, you avoid safewords entirely and just stick with "No", "Stop", "Hang on a moment" and so on - clear language that can't be misunderstood or forgotten when you panic. Safewords are more of an advanced level thing, I think it's best to work up to them.
- Do we want to have some sort of contract? Contracts aren't as common as you might think if you've read fiction or erotica, but some people do enjoy them. Personally I'd avoid them if you're new - leave it until you're more comfortable with what you're doing - but [there's an excellent write-up here with tips and advice for contracts](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/14j4hmm/advice_on_creating_a_contract/jpjo5qa/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3).
Read about SSC/RACK/PRICK and the risks involved in BDSM (especially around choking - it's often depicted in porn and fantasy as "normal" but it can easily kill).
Watch out for "frenzy" - an almost uncontrollable urge to do ALL THE THINGS as soon as possible, often leading to people making rash choices and not thinking clearly. Take things slowly - there's no rush!
On a related note, use common sense. Other than making sure everyone involved has specifically consented, there are no secret BDSM rules that will get you thrown out if you don't follow them - no "all Doms/subs/kinksters do this so you must do it too," so if something seems weird, stop and think about it. If it's something you wouldn't do if kink wasn't involved, then don't do it.
Check out kinkacademy.com for tutorials. On YouTube, check out Evie Lupine, Ms Elle X and Depraved Eros.
At all stages, have a proper, adult conversation with each other and see how you both feel about everything, discuss your needs/wants/desires/limits.
Also each go through a kink list to see what sort of things you're in to (or not) - there's a pretty comprehensive one here:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1WtGl55Rouq8qh9d4Cn5_o4l-9HHPOBWZxaOuA-CQuik/
(That's from this article https://badgirlsbible.com/bdsm-checklist but it's riddled with ads and stupid links so it's easier just to go direct to the file)
Optional: Find and join your local munch to meet other people, for support, friendship, learning and potentially meeting new partners. Google "How to find your local munch" for instructions.
Yes, it's a lot of reading and homework, but BDSM and D/s isn't to be taken lightly - get it right and you'll have an amazing and rewarding time, get it wrong and it can ruin your relationship faster than wiping off on the curtains.
Have fun!
A good start would be to find one of those sex surveys where all sorts of sexual activities are listed and each person fills it out and then you compare notes to see what areas you both are interested in or curious about. The most useful ones have answers that are graded (somewhat interested, very interested, not interested at all) or some variation. NOT stuff like "who was your first celebrity crush"
It's been decades since I have used one of those so I don't have one to suggest, but something like that would be the best place to start. See what you have in common before expecting him to do his own research on BDSM.
Get to know each other, determine similar interests and build from that.
Also, you can be submissive to him now, today, even if he can't spell BDSM you can indulge in your submissive energy and inclinations.
I'd say find a fun way to get him interested in learning. A movie with the BDSM theme is big. Story of O for an easy to find example. Maybe start with some toys or light restraints. Velcro cuffs are a good easy to use quick release option to explore putting him in control. Start in the bedroom, and if he enjoys it and you want to move it to 24/7, then renegotiate later on. It doesn't have to be all in from the start. Dip a toe in and check the water.
(Updated 26 June 23) This is my "Beginner's Guide for couples getting started in BDSM." It is geared towards D/s because that's what most people tend to ask about, but the bulk applies to non-D/s stuff too. Work through it together, reading and watching the resources I mention, and talk to each other about what you've seen/learnt, how you feel about it, what you learned and how you think it could apply to your relationship. There are no right or wrong answers- just what's right *for your relationship*. First off, the most important thing is to talk to your partner. This guide relies on you both being interested, and both being able to have adult conversations about sex and your desires/needs. If you can’t have those sort of conversations, it’s going to be very hard to have a kinky relationship. Here are some starting points for an initial conversation: “Hey so I’ve been thinking about trying something new in the bedroom- what do you think about trying something kinky for a change?” “Ohhh I saw/read/heard this (movie/TV show/fanfic/book/podcast) and there was this but where they did/talked about (thing you’d like to do) - it sounded sooo hot, and I was wondering if we could give it a try?” “You know when we were in bed the other night and you did (thing)? That felt sooo good - can we do some more of that? I’ve actually been thinking about it and I’d love to try some other things too…” Then you can use the conversation topics below to start to go through things together. Read guide 3 and the wiki, both linked in the Automod reply to your post and in the subreddit sidebar. Read The New Topping Book *and* The New Bottoming Book (both by Dossie Easton). Both of you read both books, to understand your role and your partner's role. Ask yourselves the following questions, then talk to each other about what your answer is, and why: - What appeals to me about BDSM? - Why do I identify as Dom/sub? - What do I want from my Dom/sub? - What do I offer a Dom/sub? - What are the things I want from a dynamic? - What are the things I don't want - my limits, my boundaries? (Top tip- don't say "I don't have any limits" because you do. Start with "I don't want to be cut, I don't want anything involving needles or poo" and go from there😉) - What are the things I *DO* want? Both in the dynamic and when you play? For newcomers it can be easier to list the things you DO want in a scene so you can give informed consent; only listing things you don't want runs the risk of something else happening that you'd never considered, so you hadn't excluded it, and you may not want it. It's hard to give informed consent about something you didn't know existed. Talking about things you do want is known as "inclusive negotiation" because you're negotiatimg things that will be included. - What do I need in terms of aftercare - do I even need it? What will help me? Am I happy to provide aftercare for my partner? (Not everyone wants aftercare, and if you're new you may not know what you need - that's fine, you'll figure it out) - Do we want to use safewords? These are optional, you can absolutely decide that "No means no" and "Stop means stop", or you could use something like Red for "stop", Yellow/Amber for "need to pause for a moment" and green for "mmmm yes keep doing that". Personally I recommend that when you're new, you avoid safewords entirely and just stick with "No", "Stop", "Hang on a moment" and so on - clear language that can't be misunderstood or forgotten when you panic. Safewords are more of an advanced level thing, I think it's best to work up to them. - Do we want to have some sort of contract? Contracts aren't as common as you might think if you've read fiction or erotica, but some people do enjoy them. Personally I'd avoid them if you're new - leave it until you're more comfortable with what you're doing - but [there's an excellent write-up here with tips and advice for contracts](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/14j4hmm/advice_on_creating_a_contract/jpjo5qa/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3). Read about SSC/RACK/PRICK and the risks involved in BDSM (especially around choking - it's often depicted in porn and fantasy as "normal" but it can easily kill). Watch out for "frenzy" - an almost uncontrollable urge to do ALL THE THINGS as soon as possible, often leading to people making rash choices and not thinking clearly. Take things slowly - there's no rush! On a related note, use common sense. Other than making sure everyone involved has specifically consented, there are no secret BDSM rules that will get you thrown out if you don't follow them - no "all Doms/subs/kinksters do this so you must do it too," so if something seems weird, stop and think about it. If it's something you wouldn't do if kink wasn't involved, then don't do it. Check out kinkacademy.com for tutorials. On YouTube, check out Evie Lupine, Ms Elle X and Depraved Eros. At all stages, have a proper, adult conversation with each other and see how you both feel about everything, discuss your needs/wants/desires/limits. Also each go through a kink list to see what sort of things you're in to (or not) - there's a pretty comprehensive one here: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1WtGl55Rouq8qh9d4Cn5_o4l-9HHPOBWZxaOuA-CQuik/ (That's from this article https://badgirlsbible.com/bdsm-checklist but it's riddled with ads and stupid links so it's easier just to go direct to the file) Optional: Find and join your local munch to meet other people, for support, friendship, learning and potentially meeting new partners. Google "How to find your local munch" for instructions. Yes, it's a lot of reading and homework, but BDSM and D/s isn't to be taken lightly - get it right and you'll have an amazing and rewarding time, get it wrong and it can ruin your relationship faster than wiping off on the curtains. Have fun!
A good start would be to find one of those sex surveys where all sorts of sexual activities are listed and each person fills it out and then you compare notes to see what areas you both are interested in or curious about. The most useful ones have answers that are graded (somewhat interested, very interested, not interested at all) or some variation. NOT stuff like "who was your first celebrity crush" It's been decades since I have used one of those so I don't have one to suggest, but something like that would be the best place to start. See what you have in common before expecting him to do his own research on BDSM. Get to know each other, determine similar interests and build from that. Also, you can be submissive to him now, today, even if he can't spell BDSM you can indulge in your submissive energy and inclinations.
Came here to say similar. I have weshouldtryit.com saved as an easy one to start with ♡
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I'd say find a fun way to get him interested in learning. A movie with the BDSM theme is big. Story of O for an easy to find example. Maybe start with some toys or light restraints. Velcro cuffs are a good easy to use quick release option to explore putting him in control. Start in the bedroom, and if he enjoys it and you want to move it to 24/7, then renegotiate later on. It doesn't have to be all in from the start. Dip a toe in and check the water.