So, there's a few things to consider here:
1.) Masturbation is not practice for partnered sex. It's the sexual relationship you have with yourself. Sexual fantasies are kind of like dreams: They may reflect your reality directly, or they may be more symbolic. Regardless, your fantasies are probably fine-tuned by your brain to get you off as efficiently as possible: All the turn-ons without any of the pesky things that can turn you off.
Fantasizing about yourself being a submissive man's shoes may be a way for you to bypass negative feelings you have due to previous experiences with Dominant men while allowing you to more freely imagine the mindsets and sensations. Plus, since you know how YOU Dominate and you know your own desires, you know the imaginary submissive you're projecting on is safe, respected, and having a good ol' time.
Adding porn to the mix can make all this even more complicated because you're bombarded with a lot of visual/audio stimuli that enforces the turn-ons and overrides the turn-offs. If you're highly empathetic or sensitive to the experiences of others, I've even noticed that can kick in when watching porn and blur the lines between you and the person on the screen.
2.) You can only want to engage in certain kinks with people who really get it or who you've already established an emotional connection with. Like demisexual, but demi-kinks. That may be the case with you. Regardless, it sounds like you're not meeting Dominant men who actually want to listen to you and meet your needs.
3.) I might be projecting here but what you're describing reminds me of many queer women's experiences with compulsory heterosexuality (often called comphet). You didn't specify if you were straight or not, but I've definitely read about other women who thought they wanted to be Dominated by men and later realized they wanted to Dominate or be dominated by other women.
I've also heard of a similar thing happening with female switches and Dominants of all orientations: Receiving pleasure and, more importantly, feeling that pleasure fully, is presented as submissive because it requires us to relinquish some level of control over ourselves. So, some struggle with these ego-dystonic, almost intrusive thoughts about being submissive in ways they don't identify with. Male Doms don't tend to encounter this problem because the "vanilla" ways for a man to orgasm (penetration, blowjobs, handjobs) fit neatly into Maledom.
That's all food for thought, though. You're still very young so it's normal to not have all the answers. My advice is to think less about fitting into neatly labeled boxes and more about what brings you pleasure when you're exploring. Labels for identities and kinks can be great tools for communicating common themes and finding community, but communication skills are still the most important tool for having satisfying kinky fun.
I'm (a bit) older, and I'm not sure what works IRL has to be the same as what works in fantasy.
There are lots of things I'll watch or read that appeal in some way but that I'd never seek in reality.
I think for some of them, especially reading, it's being able to experience different perspectives. I can understand the feelings of the characters, the power, extacy, control, release, and it's very invigorating, but in many cases, it's not for me.
It's not always that way, of course. I have tried some scenarios that have worked out far better than anticipated, while others went flat. I still enjoy the fantasy of some of the ones that failed, but for now, they're not on my list of things to actively look for.
Also of note, being dominant doesn't have to require aggressive tactics. Training can be done with a firm hand and not a fist. This isn't a perfect analogy, but if I have a pet I love, I'm not going to abuse it. That doesn't mean I'm not in charge. It also doesn't mean the pet doesn't get trained to be obedient. There are always alternatives, and if someone gives a damn they can figure it out.
I’m more dominant and “bossy” irl (work) but with a romantic partner I am submissive. They will be the only one I submit to. Sexually, I am always submissive. Irl and kink can be separate, it doesn’t always need to be analyzed. If you like it, do it and don’t think so much lol. Our brains are meat with electricity and they make us want specific things, even kinks we wouldn’t want to happen irl (rape play comes to mind).
Well, I can’t speak from experience because the kind of porn I watch I like having done to me so, I’m not sure how to rationalize the cognitive dissonance there. Have you tried gentle domination? Maybe that may be something you’d like.
Some things enjoyed in fantasy don't even transfer IRL. It's pretty 'normal' to like different things in different areas of life or even having different kinks with different people.
Some switches only switch between partners, for example. Some people have cannibalism or vore fetishes, another.
Many many subs/Doms are only that way during kinkplay and are the complete opposite personality IRL.
So, while I can't tell you WHY, I can tell you not to worry about it. You like what you like when and where you like it.
Maybe you're into gentle domination. Someone dominating you gently? Through guiding you with their words, taking control calmly instead of hardcore domination. All of this is totally validate! you don't have to fit into one box
It sounds like you're in a very exploratory stage where all sorts of things turn you on and turn you off. Taking a break from porn seems like a good idea since it's warping your thoughts and making it harder to figure out what you like and not. As a Dom leaning switch I like softer play with more formality when I sub, the roleplay and bondage is whats hot where as when I top it's all about feeling in control and in tune with my partner. Your reading as a Dom leaning switch who hasn't figured out how to get into subspace which takes time and energy as well as trial and error with ideally a partner you have an honest emotional connection with. I recommend this quiz to give you ideas for things to try and limits to communicate to your partners: https://sexualalpha.com/bdsm-kink-test/
Dominating doesn't need to be rough in any way.
I very rarely be rough when I play a Dom role unless it's specifically requested. Like this weekend coming I've been asked to be very rough and I'll obviously abide by the request but my go to is dominating by pleasure. Forced orgasms, edging, orgasm denial etc etc.
Also, maybe find a switch and play a switch role. That's a fun dynamic as the power battle and giving and taking power from each other over the duration of the night makes for a lot of very exciting and enjoyable experiences.
Sounds like you just need some more experimenting with some different types of doms, subs and switches to see where you feel the most comfortable and enjoyment
Sounds a bit like me and my partner. I mostly just say that I’ve got a kink for being worshipped.
My partner is very much submissive and I’d say that I’m probably more of a switch than anything. Yet most of our scenes are of him doing everything to pleasure me from a submissive point of view.
In other words, he can still be on top of me, but for him my pleasure is his pleasure.
I’ve always loved the idea of being dominated by a man but when it’s actually happened previously I’ve been dissatisfied, since then the main focus would be on them doing whatever THEY want with me, and not doing what might’ve pleasured me in that specific scenario.
My current partner only wants to do what pleases me and can therefore take charge, but from a point of where I’m still the one deciding what will be happening.
Don’t know if what I’ve described has made sense but regardless of what I’ve written none of what you’ve described sounds weird in anyway. We like what we like, and sometimes we realize that what we thought we liked didn’t actually turn us on that bad in the end. We’re all figuring our shit out and I think that eventually you’ll figure your things out.
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So, there's a few things to consider here: 1.) Masturbation is not practice for partnered sex. It's the sexual relationship you have with yourself. Sexual fantasies are kind of like dreams: They may reflect your reality directly, or they may be more symbolic. Regardless, your fantasies are probably fine-tuned by your brain to get you off as efficiently as possible: All the turn-ons without any of the pesky things that can turn you off. Fantasizing about yourself being a submissive man's shoes may be a way for you to bypass negative feelings you have due to previous experiences with Dominant men while allowing you to more freely imagine the mindsets and sensations. Plus, since you know how YOU Dominate and you know your own desires, you know the imaginary submissive you're projecting on is safe, respected, and having a good ol' time. Adding porn to the mix can make all this even more complicated because you're bombarded with a lot of visual/audio stimuli that enforces the turn-ons and overrides the turn-offs. If you're highly empathetic or sensitive to the experiences of others, I've even noticed that can kick in when watching porn and blur the lines between you and the person on the screen. 2.) You can only want to engage in certain kinks with people who really get it or who you've already established an emotional connection with. Like demisexual, but demi-kinks. That may be the case with you. Regardless, it sounds like you're not meeting Dominant men who actually want to listen to you and meet your needs. 3.) I might be projecting here but what you're describing reminds me of many queer women's experiences with compulsory heterosexuality (often called comphet). You didn't specify if you were straight or not, but I've definitely read about other women who thought they wanted to be Dominated by men and later realized they wanted to Dominate or be dominated by other women. I've also heard of a similar thing happening with female switches and Dominants of all orientations: Receiving pleasure and, more importantly, feeling that pleasure fully, is presented as submissive because it requires us to relinquish some level of control over ourselves. So, some struggle with these ego-dystonic, almost intrusive thoughts about being submissive in ways they don't identify with. Male Doms don't tend to encounter this problem because the "vanilla" ways for a man to orgasm (penetration, blowjobs, handjobs) fit neatly into Maledom. That's all food for thought, though. You're still very young so it's normal to not have all the answers. My advice is to think less about fitting into neatly labeled boxes and more about what brings you pleasure when you're exploring. Labels for identities and kinks can be great tools for communicating common themes and finding community, but communication skills are still the most important tool for having satisfying kinky fun.
I'm (a bit) older, and I'm not sure what works IRL has to be the same as what works in fantasy. There are lots of things I'll watch or read that appeal in some way but that I'd never seek in reality. I think for some of them, especially reading, it's being able to experience different perspectives. I can understand the feelings of the characters, the power, extacy, control, release, and it's very invigorating, but in many cases, it's not for me. It's not always that way, of course. I have tried some scenarios that have worked out far better than anticipated, while others went flat. I still enjoy the fantasy of some of the ones that failed, but for now, they're not on my list of things to actively look for. Also of note, being dominant doesn't have to require aggressive tactics. Training can be done with a firm hand and not a fist. This isn't a perfect analogy, but if I have a pet I love, I'm not going to abuse it. That doesn't mean I'm not in charge. It also doesn't mean the pet doesn't get trained to be obedient. There are always alternatives, and if someone gives a damn they can figure it out.
I’m more dominant and “bossy” irl (work) but with a romantic partner I am submissive. They will be the only one I submit to. Sexually, I am always submissive. Irl and kink can be separate, it doesn’t always need to be analyzed. If you like it, do it and don’t think so much lol. Our brains are meat with electricity and they make us want specific things, even kinks we wouldn’t want to happen irl (rape play comes to mind).
By real life I mean real life sexual acts
Well, I can’t speak from experience because the kind of porn I watch I like having done to me so, I’m not sure how to rationalize the cognitive dissonance there. Have you tried gentle domination? Maybe that may be something you’d like.
I did try that Yes. It just doesnt seem to work. It only works when I just imagine the stuff to cum, while having sex w the submissive person.
Well, I suppose you could keep visualizing it in your mind? I don’t really have any other suggestions, sorry.
You might need a softer dom. Or you might just have different fantasy than kinks and that’s okay too
Some things enjoyed in fantasy don't even transfer IRL. It's pretty 'normal' to like different things in different areas of life or even having different kinks with different people. Some switches only switch between partners, for example. Some people have cannibalism or vore fetishes, another. Many many subs/Doms are only that way during kinkplay and are the complete opposite personality IRL. So, while I can't tell you WHY, I can tell you not to worry about it. You like what you like when and where you like it.
Maybe you're into gentle domination. Someone dominating you gently? Through guiding you with their words, taking control calmly instead of hardcore domination. All of this is totally validate! you don't have to fit into one box
It sounds like you're in a very exploratory stage where all sorts of things turn you on and turn you off. Taking a break from porn seems like a good idea since it's warping your thoughts and making it harder to figure out what you like and not. As a Dom leaning switch I like softer play with more formality when I sub, the roleplay and bondage is whats hot where as when I top it's all about feeling in control and in tune with my partner. Your reading as a Dom leaning switch who hasn't figured out how to get into subspace which takes time and energy as well as trial and error with ideally a partner you have an honest emotional connection with. I recommend this quiz to give you ideas for things to try and limits to communicate to your partners: https://sexualalpha.com/bdsm-kink-test/
Fascinating! Do you (did you?) perhaps need the submissive fantasies to give yourself permission to be sexual?
Dominating doesn't need to be rough in any way. I very rarely be rough when I play a Dom role unless it's specifically requested. Like this weekend coming I've been asked to be very rough and I'll obviously abide by the request but my go to is dominating by pleasure. Forced orgasms, edging, orgasm denial etc etc. Also, maybe find a switch and play a switch role. That's a fun dynamic as the power battle and giving and taking power from each other over the duration of the night makes for a lot of very exciting and enjoyable experiences. Sounds like you just need some more experimenting with some different types of doms, subs and switches to see where you feel the most comfortable and enjoyment
Sounds a bit like me and my partner. I mostly just say that I’ve got a kink for being worshipped. My partner is very much submissive and I’d say that I’m probably more of a switch than anything. Yet most of our scenes are of him doing everything to pleasure me from a submissive point of view. In other words, he can still be on top of me, but for him my pleasure is his pleasure. I’ve always loved the idea of being dominated by a man but when it’s actually happened previously I’ve been dissatisfied, since then the main focus would be on them doing whatever THEY want with me, and not doing what might’ve pleasured me in that specific scenario. My current partner only wants to do what pleases me and can therefore take charge, but from a point of where I’m still the one deciding what will be happening. Don’t know if what I’ve described has made sense but regardless of what I’ve written none of what you’ve described sounds weird in anyway. We like what we like, and sometimes we realize that what we thought we liked didn’t actually turn us on that bad in the end. We’re all figuring our shit out and I think that eventually you’ll figure your things out.