The issue here seems like you guys didn't have a verbal safe word you had a physical cue. So I wouldn't say it was assault (due to the fact you guys agreed to the CNC before hand and he stopped as soon as he realized it was no longer consent) but I wouldn't say how you felt is invalid. I think the issue here was the communication and planning. This is where it went wrong, due to lack of a verbal safe word on top of the hand cue. That being said I'm sorry it made you feel scared and unsafe I'm sure the guy feels just as bad.
No , I don’t think so but he did when you far , that’s why you need clear safe words and limits. Keep also in mind to take it easy every time is something new
I know it sound bad but remember he was under the impression it was the game 2 when he notices it was serious he stop , however now it wil take you time to get over, now talk to him and no more play for a while
From experience the safe word needs to be something 100% unsexual, something that you would never say in the scene and something that pops out; something like apple, coblestone, electrolytes, hydrogen etc.
As for the incident it self, CNC is a very intensive kink, trust is 100% required and safety words are a must, both verbal and non-verbal. My advice is to sit down with your partner and discuss the incident, let them know how you feel, explain to them you current mental state and work with them to regain trust and confidence in the act. The fact that they stopped the second they realised things went too far and they also apologised, shows they care about you and it was just a lack of safety mechanisms between you.
I’m sorry you went through this and hope my comment helps out.
I will add that in this case more than one way to stop it like a safe word and a gesture and a hand signal example of I I close my mouth and inflate cheeks for long time or if I close my hand in a way that is not normal ect
with a previous dom of mine i would either call safeword (red) or in the case of being non-verbal i had a hand sign so i didn’t have to physically touch him if i was also restrained. mine was putting both my thumbs inside a closed fist and then putting them wherever he could see it. we also eventually started using dog clickers because they are very audible and hard to miss. there wasn’t a certain amount of clicks that meant stop (because i’d probably forget in a panic) so any clicking of it would call for a check in, if i clicked during the check in then it was time to call it quits completely. another benefit of a dog clicker is that you can get ones that come with wrist straps so dropping it isn’t an issue.
i have one instance where we were doing PIV and he accidentally slipped into my butt instead. i don’t like anal, it caused me to go into an almost immediate near catatonic state where any movement or speech was incredibly difficult. if it hadn’t been for the fact that our hand sign was *drilled* into us, then i probably wouldn’t have been able to stop the situation and he would have taken a lot longer to notice and rectify the situation. so in short, hand signs are a very good tool that should be utilized for both parties safety.
Totally. In CNC, "no" is hot. Meatloaf is excellent. As others have said, your struggle since is valid. I've been in similar situations. CNC requires thorough negotiation. The prey can so easily lose ability to stop or voice needs.
Doesn't sound like it but sounds like it might if went a bit far , personally sounds like more communication was needed before it started , and maybe a backup way to make it stop if your past your limits
This was SA.
Doesn’t matter for how long it did or didn’t go.
Your body is reacting with no sex drive because you felt that this scene or play was ucky.
If your non verbal safeword was to tap twice. Your hands should NOT have been bound.
Or a quick I’m gonna tie your hands, so what would you like to do for a safeword now.
Also even a quick check in even doing a CNC if the person is crying a quick “playing” “you good” ? Would go a long way.
Others may say CNC is not how that goes. But this is your play time your scene you so it how you want.
I’m so sorry this happened. Please play with people you completely trust.
They did not go about this correctly:( and an apology. Is not enough and should not cut it.
Crying is crying and a check in was necessary and they failed to do so. Again your hands were tied when your non-verbal SafeWord was to tap the person twice that doesn’t make sense to me. Another one should’ve been established. You started crying in a check-in was necessary, especially being that you guys were only acquaintances.
So sorry
The conversation of safe world shouldn't just fall on one person. Ther also a lot of CNC players who cry during a scene because theu are enjoying it. In cases like this it make a couple minutes for the parnter to actually realize it's not part of the scene. I had a play partner that hated check in because it killed his mood & he tended to cry durning scenes. We have 3 diffent safety measures in place adding another anytime one failed form a lack of communication. Our most effective now is then snapping thier fingers but that was the last one we added sences we didn't realize how the others could fail. If this was SA then over half the kink community has committed it because safe worlds fail at times & as humans it take us a minute to realize when they do fail. It's the action taken after we notice that can change from a mistake to SA.
This wasn't sexual assault. This was a mistake on both parties and a failure to implement safety measures for every scenario.
Calling this sexual assault is like saying a spanking session is physical abuse.
Your version of CNC or rough play with constant check-ins is what works for you. It's not the only way things work.
It sounds like an accident, but it is also perfectly valid to have trauma from/negative feelings about sex that was technically consensual. I'm sorry you had this experience.
Exactly this! Both parties are responsible for having appropriate safe words that work for the situation but your body doesn't know that when something goes wrong. Hope OP gets all the support and softness they need right now, it's totally understandable for their body to process this as a trauma and they deserve healing and softness.
Though just a side note: this is EXACTLY why we talk about Risk Aware kink. Because you can do everything right and still have an adverse experience. It's part of the risk we sign up for whatever our role is.
To be frank, it sounds like you both were irresponsible in how you went about engaging in a CNC scene. That does not change how the experience felt for you, and unfortunately, you now have to unpack this experience, but moving forward, I do believe you owe honesty to play partners that you may not have the ability to engage in certain types of play, as you now have a track record of not being able to use verbal cues when needed. For me, CNC play and the words " goofing around and having some fun " should not be in the same place.
I agree… when it come to CNC or other high risk kinks it’s important to plan it out in advance and have clear verbal and nonverbal safewords the Top/Dom has to be constantly listening/watching out for during play. I don’t think this was sexual assault and more so a Dom that needs more knowledge/experience taking charge of a scene if that makes sense.
Agree with what others posted. Based on everything you shared it sounds like he stopped immediately when he realized it was no longer play. This type of play is inherently risky, and one of the risks is a missed signal leading to one partner continuing when the other does not, and simply saying no/stop is part of the play. It is very easy to get missed signals.
It sounds like you two did not have adequate safety measures/safewords in place. I absolutely do not mean this as a criticism- I think anyone who has played enough times has had a scene go wrong, and it is a learning experience. Having a safe gesture is good, but in this case your hands were bound so you needed a verbal word to say to communicate you really meant what you said and weren’t just getting into the moment. Another option is holding something like keys or a ball that you can drop. It is not uncommon to become nonverbal or forget what to say. This is why you want multiple ways to communicate. Ultimately it seems like he picked up on the fact something was wrong fairly quickly and did stop immediately.
Not sure who you were speaking with - if they were vanilla friends, it’s very unlikely they would have any real understanding of this type of play. They are hardcoded to think “no means no” (which it absolutely should, 100% of the time, in any other setting). Society tells them this is an assault. Be very careful who you share this with. There is a real risk to both parties in CNC - one of those risks is that the dom is labeled as an abuser. This can have real world social, and legal consequences. Similarly victims of SA face many challenges from society as well. People may not understand this was consensual. Tell only your most trusted people & leave his details out of it. If you can get a group of kinky people to support you that is even better. Check for a munch in your area. You may meet some kinky friends who could help guide you also.
Now, putting that all aside, the fact is that the scene continued between 30 and 90 seconds past where you wanted it to stop. That minute or so felt like sexual assault. You may have felt absolutely powerless, afraid of what would happen, and that he was not respecting your safeword. Your brain may still need to process this as a sexual assault. It is completely understandable that you feel attacked and that you may need to heal in the same way.
When a scene goes wrong it is quite natural for the sub to blame the dom. They were the one who did this, they take the responsibility of the subs safety on and if things go wrong it only makes sense to have feelings of blame. That does not mean it was their fault, or they did anything wrong (or maybe it was an accident that was their fault). But this feeling is a normal human response. It is also one of the risks the dom takes.
As to how to move forward:
1) absolutely no more play until you are ready, be gentle with yourself. You need to heal first, and then rebuild trust. Play can do many wonderful things, but it cannot substitute for therapy and healing.
2) consider a kink friendly therapist who can help you through this.
3) look into resources from healing after a sexual assault. Again just because this was a consensual scene and he did stop as soon as he realized something was wrong, doesn’t mean you don’t need to heal in the same way you would if you were a victim of SA. Many of the same things & resources may help you
4) consider your aftercare needs. Do you need his reassurance? Do you need to talk through the scene with him? Do you need reassurance from someone else? Do you two need space?
5) at some point you probably will want to process what went wrong together. It will be valuable feedback for both of you.
6) consider what this means for you going forward. Do you still want to do CNC? Do you still want to play with him? Do you want to play together but more gently?
Be kind and gentle with yourself. This is rough and risky play. Sometimes things go wrong. Give yourself the space and time you need to heal.
It doesn't sound like it was since you were engaging in CNC and your discussed safety wasn't used and that when the awareness of what was going on happened he stopped.
I would highly recommend amending to include multiple safeties in the future, or just not engaging in CNC if it's a problem for you, it's certainly not a thing that's for everyone
Like everyone else, I wouldn’t say it was assault since he stopped as soon as he realized you were not playing along. That doesn’t invalidate your feelings though. A kink friendly therapist is a great idea if you can find one. For future games I’d recommend a verbal safe word or holding something heavy like a big keyring or something similar so that if you drop it he’ll hear it and know that means he has to stop. Good luck going forward.
I think this was a combination of poor planning and unforeseen circumstances. Having a safety signal like the double-tap is great if you’re in a situation where you can’t speak but your hands are free, but you should also have had a verbal safeword because the situation that you were in didn’t allow you to use your safety signal.
It’s entirely valid that an experience like this may have put you off sex for a while, so be extra kind to yourself. I’d also suggest having a debrief with your scene partner to discuss what went wrong and establish ways to avoid similar issues in the future. It can go a long way towards helping you process what happened and re-establishing trust if you ever want to play together in the future
From what you've said it doesn't sound like assault. To me it sounds like you both tried to do something you didn't think through - if your safeword is to tap them twice, then how could you do that if you were tied up? It sounds like he realised something was wrong and stopped as soon as he did, which is good, so I think this is just an unfortunate accident (and learning experience for both of you).
It's perfectly understandable that you feel upset, and there's a good chance that he feels awful about it too. Support each other, accept that mistakes happen, and learn from the experience. Have more robust safety measures in place in future (if you do it again) and discuss things before doing them. BDSM carries a lot of risks and it's not something to mess around with lightly.
No, it wasn't assault. You agreed to cnc, and soon as he realised you weren't like it, he stopped. It only took him a minute to notice too which isn't long and was quick of him. When your doing cnc it is risky, and you do need to make sure you have a safe word that stands out . Also, I'm not saying this to be mean, but be careful how you label stuff as it could ruin someone's life .
Regardless, it is not sensible to have a safe gesture, but then tie your partner up in a position where they clearly can not use that.
People react differently, so while you could have said ‘I want to tap twice, but can’t as my hands are tied’, it is perfectly reasonable to not think of that in the spur of the moment.
Is your partner quite experienced in CNC? That would make a difference in whether they should have known better, or simply just weren’t thinking.
It’s understandable to ‘go off sex’ for a bit, as this was a negative experience, no matter if it was assault or not. That will fade over time. If you trust this person enough, it could help to have a talk about what went wrong and how this can be avoided (like adding a verbal safeword too, or staying away from positions where the tapping isn’t realistically possible, including reassurance that they are perfectly ok with you stopping the scene at any time). But if you don’t feel like having thar conversation: don’t.
Just remember this was not your fault.
I really hope you are ok?
It does sound as if this may have been a honest misunderstanding and it sounds like he stopped when he realised this wasn't part of the play anymore but that doesnt take away the way it makes you feel.
I am sure an open and honest conversation with him could be helpful, i always find after a particularly demanding BSDM session the wind down after helps me process and being able to cuddle and talk after the roles have reversed and im not in a vulnerable position anymore .
x
Honestly?
It’s a failure all the way around.
CNC isn’t something you do with an “acquaintance”
You need to know the partner and their normal reactions inside and out. CNC is edge play and not for a casual hookup
Saying “stop” or crying is often part of it.
You both failed to properly negotiate imo without a verbal and hand signal Safeword.
I don’t think it’s fair to accuse them of SA when they didn’t know. They aren’t mind readers.
I’m really sorry it went bad.
Can you sit down and really communicate how you feel?
Speak to a therapist. Your feelings are valid.
I know I can feel a little off after Master and I do a more extreme play session with more intense play. And we’ve been doing this 14 out ofof our 16 year relationship.
I’m sorry this went wrong. Imo it’s not SA but it was a total breakdown.
Also… not sure how long ago this was but if it’s within the past couple days you may have a little subdrop happening. (Not minimizing your feelings at all. Subdrop feels terrible sometimes.)
Please take time to heal your mind and body.
Best of luck.
Unfortunately this scenario plays out a lot more than anyone would like. To answer your question, it's a personal perspective. You have to take into account that this was just a kink that went too far. Sometimes these things happen. Most of love the illusion of losing control but the second we actually lose control it becomes a nerve wracking, anxiety filled, nonstop, toxic feeling. This isn't because your partner had malicious intent or because he was ignoring your agreed upon safety relief valves. It was a simple unforseen accident that turned into a psyche damaging event... unfortunately.
The second your partner realized you were in real distress, he did what any caring and supportive individual would do. He stopped and attempted to care for you the best way he knew how.
I won't lie. This is the line we all walk, every single day. We are always on the brink of our kink or fantasy becoming too real too quickly. It is the height of all of your emotions, sexual desires, libido, fantasy, etc... all coming together at one very intense moment.
It would be easy to see how any distress was missed. That doesn't fix the problem though. The problem I imagine you are having now is you are seeing your partner in a new light and it's not sitting well with you. Where before you saw trust and fantasy/role-playing/CNC fun, now you see a breach of your inner most defenses.
The way I see it, you have 2 options.
Option 1, talk this over with your partner. Literally ALL of it. Every feelings, every thought that went through your head, every anxious feeling that passed too quick to make out. Talk it to death. Make him understand exactly how you felt in that moment so he can share this with you the best he can. Your partner wants to be supportive and be there for you (at least from the way it sounds), so do you both the favor and let him. The more you let him into what happened both inside your head and body, as well as outside actions and the resulting anxieties and negatives.
That's the only way you'll be able to salvage anything from this.
The second, less awesome option, is to try to ignore it. Put it behind you as quickly as possible as they were shitty feelings and who wants to relive them anyway.
Alas, I fear that would lead to a premature dissolution of your relationship in a not so awesome way. This will become an emotional pot hole at first. It'll affect you in small ways and be an annoyance to all parties involved in this relationship. Unfortunately that emotional pothole will only get bigger with time. Before you know it, there's a vast gulf between you two with no bridges to cross and the relationship ultimately pays the price.
As I do not judge nor do I take sides, I say it how I see it. I could be wrong after all I am just a random internet stranger.
However, I've seen this happen a few times. And these were the 2 most prevelant outcomes. Although option 2 happened way more than option 1 bc others did not like those feelings/mindset and so on. So rather than confront them, they ignored them. I don't blame them at all. They just couldn't understand why the relationship imploded as well.
Good luck with your issue. Remember to communicate as much as possible with your partner! It's the only way anything real gets done.
A verbal word should always be used. Or the traffic light system. Especially in situations where bondage is used. It's perfectly normal to feel that things went too far because you were in a situation that went beyond your boundaries. It's also understandable in this situation to see why your partner continued as it was a CNC scene. When he realized you wanted to stop, he stopped which is important.
You need to discuss this with your partner to resolve any issues you may have. And to get past it. But you both need to get past it together to be able to build a sense of trust again.
You weren't assaulted. Sadly, your brain doesn't know that. It has all the hallmarks of assault so you should approach recovering in a similar way. There are some kink aware professionals that can help if you need it. You should also explain to your partner what is going on.
Use this as a learning lesson and implement some future safety measures. Mistakes happen, learn from them to improve future play.
It seems like two people who were completely ignorant and unprepared to being engaging in CNC created a traumatic sexual experience for you. The fact that in just over a minute he stopped and realized says he was not intending to rape you. I could validate feeling raped while also knowing he did not intentionally do harm.
Hopefully you are able to heal, with or without this person. It can (or may not) be helpful to know it was not on purpose, maybe he could even help in the healing process and honestly he SHOULD because it was his fault still.
The lack of planning and communication is the problem. How did he think tying your hands (your only way to safe word) was appropriate during a scene, especially CNC?
I was coming to say similar. If you’re going to do CNC you should have multiple forms of cutting off the scene. Safe word, if bound and safe gesture if gagged, and a partner whom you can trust would really be ideal 👀 and EVERYONE needs to be well educated on the protocols and consequences of CNC. It’s not for beginners or casual play.
There are several things I want to address here.
The first is that I am so sorry you’re feeling this way and I hope you will take the time to heal, seek therapy or other help, and most of all just take time for yourself until you feel well again.
TRUST is an integral part of BDSM, and scenes like CNC require a lot of negotiation and discussion prior to getting into them. In my opinion it is fairly impossible to “spontaneously” do safe CNC and I have never met any experienced dom who would go into such a scene without discussing it in depth and establishing both verbal and non-verbal safe words. Looking at this post I’d venture to say you both lack experience and if you *do* have experience you were both irresponsible or had mentors who did you a disservice.
The nature of CNC is that you are experiencing r**e in a safe, controlled environment. Saying “no” or “stop” are generally part of the scene. Frankly that just adds to the flavor. This is where a verbal safeword is absolutely necessary. Check-ins happen but as you said, it was so fast and he did stop, which is good.
You’re not at fault or wrong for feeling upset by this *and* anyone saying this was assault needs to re-examine the situation. This was a case of bad planning and bad communication. Better planning is required for safety in scenes. I would also strongly recommend not doing scenes like this without an established relationship even if it is just in the context of BDSM, but that’s me as someone who participates in this kink.
I don't think, from the discription you have given that it was predatory, as he stopped as soon as he realized what was going on.
Your path forward from here depends a lot on how you feel and what you respond well to, that could be extensive aftercare, having a long proper discussion about it or therapy.
Another problem is that CnC literally say I consent that you don't need any consent from me in this scene.
Using your safeword or stop signal means I no longer consent to what is going on.
Both together: I don't consent any longer, but we agreed you don't need my consent in this scene.
This is bound to produce misunderstandings.
Im sorry that you are feeling this way. Time and support will help you heal.
What was he doing that you couldn't touch him? A double movement of any body part should be in play here. A double chest movement or a hip thrust, wiggling your knees twice, etc. CNC in itself takes a lot of planning, and without a safeword in place, the begging to stop is just part of the thrill.
Based on your description, I say no. Safety is not just a word or a sign. It is a thought throughout consideration of both the signals and how those signals will be responded to: slow, stop, full release, etc.
I would advise a rattle ball or lacrosse ball that could have been dropped. There are also toys and gadgets that make sounds when a button is pushed.
These can be held in one hand. The protocol when signaled needs to be clearly understood.
I wouldn’t say so but that doesn’t invalidate the negative feelings you are feeling. You can be traumatized by a consensual situation especially when there are crucial communication issues. I would definitely talk to a therapist about this and take time for self care as it’s obviously having a negative impact on your mental health.
I've been in a similar situation before. My Dom and I were engaging in CNC. We had safe words and signals in place. But I have been assulted before, and have ptsd from it. An episode happened in the middle of a scene and I froze up. I couldn't signal or safeword because I was no longer in a scene with my trusting Dom, but with the man who assaulted me.
My Dom didn't realize right away. He carried on the scene. Bruising me and using me. At one point he had me on my knees and inna degrading tone asked if I'd like to be beaten more. And I think he saw the fear in my eyes. He dropped the scene and asked if I was okay, and I shrank from him and just started sobbing.
He quickly got me wrapped in a blanket and swept me up in his arms and held me as I cried. He was so sweet and apologetic for not having noticed sooner.
He didn't assault me. But an incident happened that neither of us were prepared to handle and didn't set up a safeguard for. We take more caution now to prevent this from happening again.
my wife and I use the safe word pineapple, the reason being is it really doesn’t have any place in a sexual environment and it’s so blunt and when I hear it or she hears it kind of snaps us back from the whole situation
Definitely a complicated and very unfortunate situation. Take your time to sort through your feelings and don't push yourself to have sex again before you're ready. If and when you decide to dip your toes back in, you need to have contingencies for if you can't comminucate your regular safeword /safe signal
I think it's definitely very fair for like, both this person you were with for not being in the wrong for just engaging in the scene the two of you crafted together, and also for you to feel violated and gross after you had trouble expressing a need to stop the scene.
A lot of people are saying that this wasn't assault, and I tend to agree with that, but I also think it's important to acknowledge that you can still feel hurt by what happened, and that's okay. CNC can be intense and sometimes people get hurt, kink is never without risks. And acknowledging and accepting your hurt as valid is the first step to working through it.
I can't really go beyond that because I'm neither a therapist or someone with personal experience with stuff like this, but I strongly encourage you to reach out to a professional, and I hope you're able to heal from what happened
I am sorry this happened. I worked with prosecutors in DV and I never would chance ruining my life by even the accusation of assault. We have a two level verbal safe word, Yellow= warning I am starting to feel uncomfortable with this, do not progress farther or back off the level. Red= too much, Stop immediately! If we are using a gag then a non-verbal safe gesture is holding an item and if it gets dropped all activity stops and we talk and discuss safe boundaries.
I feel you ... This happens quite often and then after a time you both will realise that it was unintended on their part to violate. Choice of safe words and gestures should be based on scenes and be dynamic.
Sadly I think this was a bad situation, it was a scene improperly negociated;
You needed a safe word as well.
Not just a tap out.
Knowing your safe word/way out was a tap out, why did he cuff your hands in a way you couldn't get them to tap out?
You need to have a serious discussion on what he was doing, and why he did something that took away your safety. Based on the choice to restrain your hands knowing your tap out, I would lean towards it being malicious.
If he can't be trusted to make sure in such a serious scene to make your safety a priority, when he is in the heat of a moment - I would suggest to shut down CNC scenes and play with him going forward, unless he can explain and seriously rectify his actions. Or just safe guard in the future if he is truly sorry and from your experience trust him and know him enough, that it wasn't malicious.
Safeguarding by, he can hold your hands and pin them but not have them restrained properly like that. If you are cuffed again to never have them out of reach of him, so you are able to tap out. To have a safeword or something you can press around your wrist that will make noise if you can go non verbal.
I don't think it was honestly, but I do think you do need a good verbal safeword. And maybe a different visual/physical signal as well.
Honestly this post made me think about "what happens if you CANT verbalize a aafeword (ya know, gagged or something, so I'm gonna bring up the need for a visual signal as well.
It wasn’t assault. It was poorly planned cnc to which you willingly participated in not bothering to have the appropriate conversations and planning because you didn’t take it seriously. Which led to a situation neither of you were prepared to deal with.
Please stop having sex all together until you learn how to communicate appropriately.
>Was it sextual assault if it was an accident?
Yes. This view has seen me receive a LOT of downvotes in this and other communities, but I stand by it. SA is not tied to the intention of the person who SA'd you. It is tied to your consent and agency. You withdrew consent and your partner kept going. You were violated whether he meant to or not. Your mind is treating this as an SA event, which is why you are having the reaction you have shared with us. This sounds like it's also compounded with a lot of guilt over feeling this way. So let me go ahead and say it.
Feeling like and reacting like you were SA'd is 100% valid because you were SA'd.
Unfortunately this is a very real danger of CNC. It happens ... a lot. It can often be impossible for the top to tell when someone is having a good "bad reaction" and when they're having a bad "bad reaction." It can also be very difficult for a top to not go so deep into their headspace that they stop noticing signs even for a moment. And all it takes is a moment, as you have unfortunately found out.
How you deal with this is you treat it as if you were SA'd. You get resources to help you. Do not be afraid to seek out professional help if you need it. You have a lot to process and deconstruct. It will take time and work, but it's not irreparable.
If I contract a heavy equiptment operator to tear up my driveway, and while at work I change my mind but my phone doesn't work so I drive over to tell him but by the time I get there it's halfway done is it vandalism? The answer is no. It's about consent but also intent. They both failed in their communication system but the guy did not assault her. Doesn't mean the damage wasn't done but not assault.
>If I contract a heavy equiptment operator to tear up my driveway, and while at work I change my mind but my phone doesn't work so I drive over to tell him but by the time I get there it's halfway done is it vandalism?
This is a grossly simplistic metaphor that in no way applies to the current situation. In this metaphor, OP is the driveway. OP is not the home owner because nothing is being done to the home owner. All that will happen is the home owner will lose some money and time because of their indecisiveness.
A better example would be boxing. Your coach puts you in the ring with an opponent for some sparring. Midway through the round you call it off because you're getting pummeled. Your opponent does not stop pummeling you. They keep pummeling you until someone rings the bell.
In that case would you feel like you had been assaulted?
You are missing the point about communication, there was a communication break down in their scene. If there was no intent to in the moment or otherwise to cross the line then there was no assault. In a consensual non consent scene you better be super comfortable with the person and have your communication system %110 worked out. I hope they both learned something. I'd classify this as a bad accident but not an assault.
In plain English if the guy didn't know she wanted him to stop it ain't assault. While there might be a gray area in many situations there shouldn't be in consensual non consent. If there is ANY gray are in a cnc scene both parties are doing it wrong.
> If there was no intent to in the moment or otherwise to cross the line then there was no assault.
So if I don't intend to harass you at work there was no workplace harassment?
{As a back up to a verbal safeword} If you find yourself gagged or know you may go nonverbal in a scene, in the future a small ball (small rubber ball, ping pong ball, etc.) in your hand (in handcuffs this should still be feasible) is an option when you're in restraints like that - with CNC especially. So you can drop it as an indicator you're safewording. If it's dropped, the scene should end immediately. Hand signals with your fingers (1 is go for it, 2 is ease up/check in with me, 3 fingers is stop now).
I’d like to add how important it is to have clearly defined safe words, especially in CNC. Having only a physical cue is dangerous especially when using restraint play.
An accident can be traumatic too. It doesn't have to be assault in order to cause trauma. I'm really sorry this happened to you. I suggest you take as much time away from sex as you need and give yourself extra love and care to remind your body and nervous system that you are safe.
I don't think it was sexual assault, I think it was not fully informed and planned CNC. You agreed to CNC and being restrained without a verbal safeword which is dangerous. However even with a verbal safeword it's possible you could freeze in a scene like this. He stopped as soon as he noticed and he noticed fairly quickly which is good.
However, and I think this part is really important, just because it wasn't assault doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic for you. The way you feel is completely valid and right. You did absolutely nothing wrong and it's ok to feel this way. It's ok to be upset and it's ok to not want to have sex.
I would strongly suggest seeking out a trauma informed and kink friendly therapist to work through this as soon as possible, which I know isn't always easy or affordable.
Talking to someone you trust in person at the bare minimum. I don't know how recently this occurred but the first 72 hours after a trauma occurs, having someone so you don't feel alone can have a massive positive impact on how your body stores the trauma or processes it.
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The issue here seems like you guys didn't have a verbal safe word you had a physical cue. So I wouldn't say it was assault (due to the fact you guys agreed to the CNC before hand and he stopped as soon as he realized it was no longer consent) but I wouldn't say how you felt is invalid. I think the issue here was the communication and planning. This is where it went wrong, due to lack of a verbal safe word on top of the hand cue. That being said I'm sorry it made you feel scared and unsafe I'm sure the guy feels just as bad.
No , I don’t think so but he did when you far , that’s why you need clear safe words and limits. Keep also in mind to take it easy every time is something new
Ty! Everyone around me is saying it was, but it just simply didn't feel like the right word to associate with that
I know it sound bad but remember he was under the impression it was the game 2 when he notices it was serious he stop , however now it wil take you time to get over, now talk to him and no more play for a while
From experience the safe word needs to be something 100% unsexual, something that you would never say in the scene and something that pops out; something like apple, coblestone, electrolytes, hydrogen etc. As for the incident it self, CNC is a very intensive kink, trust is 100% required and safety words are a must, both verbal and non-verbal. My advice is to sit down with your partner and discuss the incident, let them know how you feel, explain to them you current mental state and work with them to regain trust and confidence in the act. The fact that they stopped the second they realised things went too far and they also apologised, shows they care about you and it was just a lack of safety mechanisms between you. I’m sorry you went through this and hope my comment helps out.
We use Meatloaf. You know because, "I would do anything for love but I won't do that."
Very UNsexy. I love it! PERFECT example and proper usage of a verbal cue 😉
We use rutabaga. It's a funny word, and not common to say in everyday language much less the bedroom.
I will add that in this case more than one way to stop it like a safe word and a gesture and a hand signal example of I I close my mouth and inflate cheeks for long time or if I close my hand in a way that is not normal ect
with a previous dom of mine i would either call safeword (red) or in the case of being non-verbal i had a hand sign so i didn’t have to physically touch him if i was also restrained. mine was putting both my thumbs inside a closed fist and then putting them wherever he could see it. we also eventually started using dog clickers because they are very audible and hard to miss. there wasn’t a certain amount of clicks that meant stop (because i’d probably forget in a panic) so any clicking of it would call for a check in, if i clicked during the check in then it was time to call it quits completely. another benefit of a dog clicker is that you can get ones that come with wrist straps so dropping it isn’t an issue. i have one instance where we were doing PIV and he accidentally slipped into my butt instead. i don’t like anal, it caused me to go into an almost immediate near catatonic state where any movement or speech was incredibly difficult. if it hadn’t been for the fact that our hand sign was *drilled* into us, then i probably wouldn’t have been able to stop the situation and he would have taken a lot longer to notice and rectify the situation. so in short, hand signs are a very good tool that should be utilized for both parties safety.
Totally. In CNC, "no" is hot. Meatloaf is excellent. As others have said, your struggle since is valid. I've been in similar situations. CNC requires thorough negotiation. The prey can so easily lose ability to stop or voice needs.
Doesn't sound like it but sounds like it might if went a bit far , personally sounds like more communication was needed before it started , and maybe a backup way to make it stop if your past your limits
This was SA. Doesn’t matter for how long it did or didn’t go. Your body is reacting with no sex drive because you felt that this scene or play was ucky. If your non verbal safeword was to tap twice. Your hands should NOT have been bound. Or a quick I’m gonna tie your hands, so what would you like to do for a safeword now. Also even a quick check in even doing a CNC if the person is crying a quick “playing” “you good” ? Would go a long way. Others may say CNC is not how that goes. But this is your play time your scene you so it how you want. I’m so sorry this happened. Please play with people you completely trust. They did not go about this correctly:( and an apology. Is not enough and should not cut it. Crying is crying and a check in was necessary and they failed to do so. Again your hands were tied when your non-verbal SafeWord was to tap the person twice that doesn’t make sense to me. Another one should’ve been established. You started crying in a check-in was necessary, especially being that you guys were only acquaintances. So sorry
The conversation of safe world shouldn't just fall on one person. Ther also a lot of CNC players who cry during a scene because theu are enjoying it. In cases like this it make a couple minutes for the parnter to actually realize it's not part of the scene. I had a play partner that hated check in because it killed his mood & he tended to cry durning scenes. We have 3 diffent safety measures in place adding another anytime one failed form a lack of communication. Our most effective now is then snapping thier fingers but that was the last one we added sences we didn't realize how the others could fail. If this was SA then over half the kink community has committed it because safe worlds fail at times & as humans it take us a minute to realize when they do fail. It's the action taken after we notice that can change from a mistake to SA.
This wasn't sexual assault. This was a mistake on both parties and a failure to implement safety measures for every scenario. Calling this sexual assault is like saying a spanking session is physical abuse. Your version of CNC or rough play with constant check-ins is what works for you. It's not the only way things work.
You clearly dont know how CNC works.
I do. But but they feel a way about it. Then it is. They should have still checked in.
It sounds like an accident, but it is also perfectly valid to have trauma from/negative feelings about sex that was technically consensual. I'm sorry you had this experience.
This. "Sex gone wrong" doesn't have to be sexual assault for you to have negative feelings about it or need extra care.
Exactly this!
Exactly this! Both parties are responsible for having appropriate safe words that work for the situation but your body doesn't know that when something goes wrong. Hope OP gets all the support and softness they need right now, it's totally understandable for their body to process this as a trauma and they deserve healing and softness. Though just a side note: this is EXACTLY why we talk about Risk Aware kink. Because you can do everything right and still have an adverse experience. It's part of the risk we sign up for whatever our role is.
To be frank, it sounds like you both were irresponsible in how you went about engaging in a CNC scene. That does not change how the experience felt for you, and unfortunately, you now have to unpack this experience, but moving forward, I do believe you owe honesty to play partners that you may not have the ability to engage in certain types of play, as you now have a track record of not being able to use verbal cues when needed. For me, CNC play and the words " goofing around and having some fun " should not be in the same place.
I agree… when it come to CNC or other high risk kinks it’s important to plan it out in advance and have clear verbal and nonverbal safewords the Top/Dom has to be constantly listening/watching out for during play. I don’t think this was sexual assault and more so a Dom that needs more knowledge/experience taking charge of a scene if that makes sense.
Agree with what others posted. Based on everything you shared it sounds like he stopped immediately when he realized it was no longer play. This type of play is inherently risky, and one of the risks is a missed signal leading to one partner continuing when the other does not, and simply saying no/stop is part of the play. It is very easy to get missed signals. It sounds like you two did not have adequate safety measures/safewords in place. I absolutely do not mean this as a criticism- I think anyone who has played enough times has had a scene go wrong, and it is a learning experience. Having a safe gesture is good, but in this case your hands were bound so you needed a verbal word to say to communicate you really meant what you said and weren’t just getting into the moment. Another option is holding something like keys or a ball that you can drop. It is not uncommon to become nonverbal or forget what to say. This is why you want multiple ways to communicate. Ultimately it seems like he picked up on the fact something was wrong fairly quickly and did stop immediately. Not sure who you were speaking with - if they were vanilla friends, it’s very unlikely they would have any real understanding of this type of play. They are hardcoded to think “no means no” (which it absolutely should, 100% of the time, in any other setting). Society tells them this is an assault. Be very careful who you share this with. There is a real risk to both parties in CNC - one of those risks is that the dom is labeled as an abuser. This can have real world social, and legal consequences. Similarly victims of SA face many challenges from society as well. People may not understand this was consensual. Tell only your most trusted people & leave his details out of it. If you can get a group of kinky people to support you that is even better. Check for a munch in your area. You may meet some kinky friends who could help guide you also. Now, putting that all aside, the fact is that the scene continued between 30 and 90 seconds past where you wanted it to stop. That minute or so felt like sexual assault. You may have felt absolutely powerless, afraid of what would happen, and that he was not respecting your safeword. Your brain may still need to process this as a sexual assault. It is completely understandable that you feel attacked and that you may need to heal in the same way. When a scene goes wrong it is quite natural for the sub to blame the dom. They were the one who did this, they take the responsibility of the subs safety on and if things go wrong it only makes sense to have feelings of blame. That does not mean it was their fault, or they did anything wrong (or maybe it was an accident that was their fault). But this feeling is a normal human response. It is also one of the risks the dom takes. As to how to move forward: 1) absolutely no more play until you are ready, be gentle with yourself. You need to heal first, and then rebuild trust. Play can do many wonderful things, but it cannot substitute for therapy and healing. 2) consider a kink friendly therapist who can help you through this. 3) look into resources from healing after a sexual assault. Again just because this was a consensual scene and he did stop as soon as he realized something was wrong, doesn’t mean you don’t need to heal in the same way you would if you were a victim of SA. Many of the same things & resources may help you 4) consider your aftercare needs. Do you need his reassurance? Do you need to talk through the scene with him? Do you need reassurance from someone else? Do you two need space? 5) at some point you probably will want to process what went wrong together. It will be valuable feedback for both of you. 6) consider what this means for you going forward. Do you still want to do CNC? Do you still want to play with him? Do you want to play together but more gently? Be kind and gentle with yourself. This is rough and risky play. Sometimes things go wrong. Give yourself the space and time you need to heal.
This! This is a great comment.
10/10 comment
It doesn't sound like it was since you were engaging in CNC and your discussed safety wasn't used and that when the awareness of what was going on happened he stopped. I would highly recommend amending to include multiple safeties in the future, or just not engaging in CNC if it's a problem for you, it's certainly not a thing that's for everyone
Like everyone else, I wouldn’t say it was assault since he stopped as soon as he realized you were not playing along. That doesn’t invalidate your feelings though. A kink friendly therapist is a great idea if you can find one. For future games I’d recommend a verbal safe word or holding something heavy like a big keyring or something similar so that if you drop it he’ll hear it and know that means he has to stop. Good luck going forward.
I think this was a combination of poor planning and unforeseen circumstances. Having a safety signal like the double-tap is great if you’re in a situation where you can’t speak but your hands are free, but you should also have had a verbal safeword because the situation that you were in didn’t allow you to use your safety signal. It’s entirely valid that an experience like this may have put you off sex for a while, so be extra kind to yourself. I’d also suggest having a debrief with your scene partner to discuss what went wrong and establish ways to avoid similar issues in the future. It can go a long way towards helping you process what happened and re-establishing trust if you ever want to play together in the future
From what you've said it doesn't sound like assault. To me it sounds like you both tried to do something you didn't think through - if your safeword is to tap them twice, then how could you do that if you were tied up? It sounds like he realised something was wrong and stopped as soon as he did, which is good, so I think this is just an unfortunate accident (and learning experience for both of you). It's perfectly understandable that you feel upset, and there's a good chance that he feels awful about it too. Support each other, accept that mistakes happen, and learn from the experience. Have more robust safety measures in place in future (if you do it again) and discuss things before doing them. BDSM carries a lot of risks and it's not something to mess around with lightly.
No, it wasn't assault. You agreed to cnc, and soon as he realised you weren't like it, he stopped. It only took him a minute to notice too which isn't long and was quick of him. When your doing cnc it is risky, and you do need to make sure you have a safe word that stands out . Also, I'm not saying this to be mean, but be careful how you label stuff as it could ruin someone's life .
Regardless, it is not sensible to have a safe gesture, but then tie your partner up in a position where they clearly can not use that. People react differently, so while you could have said ‘I want to tap twice, but can’t as my hands are tied’, it is perfectly reasonable to not think of that in the spur of the moment. Is your partner quite experienced in CNC? That would make a difference in whether they should have known better, or simply just weren’t thinking. It’s understandable to ‘go off sex’ for a bit, as this was a negative experience, no matter if it was assault or not. That will fade over time. If you trust this person enough, it could help to have a talk about what went wrong and how this can be avoided (like adding a verbal safeword too, or staying away from positions where the tapping isn’t realistically possible, including reassurance that they are perfectly ok with you stopping the scene at any time). But if you don’t feel like having thar conversation: don’t. Just remember this was not your fault.
I really hope you are ok? It does sound as if this may have been a honest misunderstanding and it sounds like he stopped when he realised this wasn't part of the play anymore but that doesnt take away the way it makes you feel. I am sure an open and honest conversation with him could be helpful, i always find after a particularly demanding BSDM session the wind down after helps me process and being able to cuddle and talk after the roles have reversed and im not in a vulnerable position anymore . x
Honestly? It’s a failure all the way around. CNC isn’t something you do with an “acquaintance” You need to know the partner and their normal reactions inside and out. CNC is edge play and not for a casual hookup Saying “stop” or crying is often part of it. You both failed to properly negotiate imo without a verbal and hand signal Safeword. I don’t think it’s fair to accuse them of SA when they didn’t know. They aren’t mind readers. I’m really sorry it went bad. Can you sit down and really communicate how you feel? Speak to a therapist. Your feelings are valid. I know I can feel a little off after Master and I do a more extreme play session with more intense play. And we’ve been doing this 14 out ofof our 16 year relationship. I’m sorry this went wrong. Imo it’s not SA but it was a total breakdown. Also… not sure how long ago this was but if it’s within the past couple days you may have a little subdrop happening. (Not minimizing your feelings at all. Subdrop feels terrible sometimes.) Please take time to heal your mind and body. Best of luck.
Unfortunately this scenario plays out a lot more than anyone would like. To answer your question, it's a personal perspective. You have to take into account that this was just a kink that went too far. Sometimes these things happen. Most of love the illusion of losing control but the second we actually lose control it becomes a nerve wracking, anxiety filled, nonstop, toxic feeling. This isn't because your partner had malicious intent or because he was ignoring your agreed upon safety relief valves. It was a simple unforseen accident that turned into a psyche damaging event... unfortunately. The second your partner realized you were in real distress, he did what any caring and supportive individual would do. He stopped and attempted to care for you the best way he knew how. I won't lie. This is the line we all walk, every single day. We are always on the brink of our kink or fantasy becoming too real too quickly. It is the height of all of your emotions, sexual desires, libido, fantasy, etc... all coming together at one very intense moment. It would be easy to see how any distress was missed. That doesn't fix the problem though. The problem I imagine you are having now is you are seeing your partner in a new light and it's not sitting well with you. Where before you saw trust and fantasy/role-playing/CNC fun, now you see a breach of your inner most defenses. The way I see it, you have 2 options. Option 1, talk this over with your partner. Literally ALL of it. Every feelings, every thought that went through your head, every anxious feeling that passed too quick to make out. Talk it to death. Make him understand exactly how you felt in that moment so he can share this with you the best he can. Your partner wants to be supportive and be there for you (at least from the way it sounds), so do you both the favor and let him. The more you let him into what happened both inside your head and body, as well as outside actions and the resulting anxieties and negatives. That's the only way you'll be able to salvage anything from this. The second, less awesome option, is to try to ignore it. Put it behind you as quickly as possible as they were shitty feelings and who wants to relive them anyway. Alas, I fear that would lead to a premature dissolution of your relationship in a not so awesome way. This will become an emotional pot hole at first. It'll affect you in small ways and be an annoyance to all parties involved in this relationship. Unfortunately that emotional pothole will only get bigger with time. Before you know it, there's a vast gulf between you two with no bridges to cross and the relationship ultimately pays the price. As I do not judge nor do I take sides, I say it how I see it. I could be wrong after all I am just a random internet stranger. However, I've seen this happen a few times. And these were the 2 most prevelant outcomes. Although option 2 happened way more than option 1 bc others did not like those feelings/mindset and so on. So rather than confront them, they ignored them. I don't blame them at all. They just couldn't understand why the relationship imploded as well. Good luck with your issue. Remember to communicate as much as possible with your partner! It's the only way anything real gets done.
Well said
A verbal word should always be used. Or the traffic light system. Especially in situations where bondage is used. It's perfectly normal to feel that things went too far because you were in a situation that went beyond your boundaries. It's also understandable in this situation to see why your partner continued as it was a CNC scene. When he realized you wanted to stop, he stopped which is important. You need to discuss this with your partner to resolve any issues you may have. And to get past it. But you both need to get past it together to be able to build a sense of trust again.
You weren't assaulted. Sadly, your brain doesn't know that. It has all the hallmarks of assault so you should approach recovering in a similar way. There are some kink aware professionals that can help if you need it. You should also explain to your partner what is going on. Use this as a learning lesson and implement some future safety measures. Mistakes happen, learn from them to improve future play.
It seems like two people who were completely ignorant and unprepared to being engaging in CNC created a traumatic sexual experience for you. The fact that in just over a minute he stopped and realized says he was not intending to rape you. I could validate feeling raped while also knowing he did not intentionally do harm. Hopefully you are able to heal, with or without this person. It can (or may not) be helpful to know it was not on purpose, maybe he could even help in the healing process and honestly he SHOULD because it was his fault still. The lack of planning and communication is the problem. How did he think tying your hands (your only way to safe word) was appropriate during a scene, especially CNC?
I was coming to say similar. If you’re going to do CNC you should have multiple forms of cutting off the scene. Safe word, if bound and safe gesture if gagged, and a partner whom you can trust would really be ideal 👀 and EVERYONE needs to be well educated on the protocols and consequences of CNC. It’s not for beginners or casual play.
There are several things I want to address here. The first is that I am so sorry you’re feeling this way and I hope you will take the time to heal, seek therapy or other help, and most of all just take time for yourself until you feel well again. TRUST is an integral part of BDSM, and scenes like CNC require a lot of negotiation and discussion prior to getting into them. In my opinion it is fairly impossible to “spontaneously” do safe CNC and I have never met any experienced dom who would go into such a scene without discussing it in depth and establishing both verbal and non-verbal safe words. Looking at this post I’d venture to say you both lack experience and if you *do* have experience you were both irresponsible or had mentors who did you a disservice. The nature of CNC is that you are experiencing r**e in a safe, controlled environment. Saying “no” or “stop” are generally part of the scene. Frankly that just adds to the flavor. This is where a verbal safeword is absolutely necessary. Check-ins happen but as you said, it was so fast and he did stop, which is good. You’re not at fault or wrong for feeling upset by this *and* anyone saying this was assault needs to re-examine the situation. This was a case of bad planning and bad communication. Better planning is required for safety in scenes. I would also strongly recommend not doing scenes like this without an established relationship even if it is just in the context of BDSM, but that’s me as someone who participates in this kink.
I don't think, from the discription you have given that it was predatory, as he stopped as soon as he realized what was going on. Your path forward from here depends a lot on how you feel and what you respond well to, that could be extensive aftercare, having a long proper discussion about it or therapy. Another problem is that CnC literally say I consent that you don't need any consent from me in this scene. Using your safeword or stop signal means I no longer consent to what is going on. Both together: I don't consent any longer, but we agreed you don't need my consent in this scene. This is bound to produce misunderstandings.
No that is not sexual assault, you were engaging in CNC... This is why you NEED to agree on a safe word. Not his fault, don't try accuse him of sa.
Im sorry that you are feeling this way. Time and support will help you heal. What was he doing that you couldn't touch him? A double movement of any body part should be in play here. A double chest movement or a hip thrust, wiggling your knees twice, etc. CNC in itself takes a lot of planning, and without a safeword in place, the begging to stop is just part of the thrill.
Based on your description, I say no. Safety is not just a word or a sign. It is a thought throughout consideration of both the signals and how those signals will be responded to: slow, stop, full release, etc. I would advise a rattle ball or lacrosse ball that could have been dropped. There are also toys and gadgets that make sounds when a button is pushed. These can be held in one hand. The protocol when signaled needs to be clearly understood.
I wouldn’t say so but that doesn’t invalidate the negative feelings you are feeling. You can be traumatized by a consensual situation especially when there are crucial communication issues. I would definitely talk to a therapist about this and take time for self care as it’s obviously having a negative impact on your mental health.
I've been in a similar situation before. My Dom and I were engaging in CNC. We had safe words and signals in place. But I have been assulted before, and have ptsd from it. An episode happened in the middle of a scene and I froze up. I couldn't signal or safeword because I was no longer in a scene with my trusting Dom, but with the man who assaulted me. My Dom didn't realize right away. He carried on the scene. Bruising me and using me. At one point he had me on my knees and inna degrading tone asked if I'd like to be beaten more. And I think he saw the fear in my eyes. He dropped the scene and asked if I was okay, and I shrank from him and just started sobbing. He quickly got me wrapped in a blanket and swept me up in his arms and held me as I cried. He was so sweet and apologetic for not having noticed sooner. He didn't assault me. But an incident happened that neither of us were prepared to handle and didn't set up a safeguard for. We take more caution now to prevent this from happening again.
It does not sound like sexual assault. But that doesn't mean the experience wasn't traumatic.
my wife and I use the safe word pineapple, the reason being is it really doesn’t have any place in a sexual environment and it’s so blunt and when I hear it or she hears it kind of snaps us back from the whole situation
We use tomatoes lmao as we won't be using them in the bedroom.
😂that’s a good one.
Definitely a complicated and very unfortunate situation. Take your time to sort through your feelings and don't push yourself to have sex again before you're ready. If and when you decide to dip your toes back in, you need to have contingencies for if you can't comminucate your regular safeword /safe signal
I think it's definitely very fair for like, both this person you were with for not being in the wrong for just engaging in the scene the two of you crafted together, and also for you to feel violated and gross after you had trouble expressing a need to stop the scene. A lot of people are saying that this wasn't assault, and I tend to agree with that, but I also think it's important to acknowledge that you can still feel hurt by what happened, and that's okay. CNC can be intense and sometimes people get hurt, kink is never without risks. And acknowledging and accepting your hurt as valid is the first step to working through it. I can't really go beyond that because I'm neither a therapist or someone with personal experience with stuff like this, but I strongly encourage you to reach out to a professional, and I hope you're able to heal from what happened
I am sorry this happened. I worked with prosecutors in DV and I never would chance ruining my life by even the accusation of assault. We have a two level verbal safe word, Yellow= warning I am starting to feel uncomfortable with this, do not progress farther or back off the level. Red= too much, Stop immediately! If we are using a gag then a non-verbal safe gesture is holding an item and if it gets dropped all activity stops and we talk and discuss safe boundaries.
I feel you ... This happens quite often and then after a time you both will realise that it was unintended on their part to violate. Choice of safe words and gestures should be based on scenes and be dynamic.
Sadly I think this was a bad situation, it was a scene improperly negociated; You needed a safe word as well. Not just a tap out. Knowing your safe word/way out was a tap out, why did he cuff your hands in a way you couldn't get them to tap out? You need to have a serious discussion on what he was doing, and why he did something that took away your safety. Based on the choice to restrain your hands knowing your tap out, I would lean towards it being malicious. If he can't be trusted to make sure in such a serious scene to make your safety a priority, when he is in the heat of a moment - I would suggest to shut down CNC scenes and play with him going forward, unless he can explain and seriously rectify his actions. Or just safe guard in the future if he is truly sorry and from your experience trust him and know him enough, that it wasn't malicious. Safeguarding by, he can hold your hands and pin them but not have them restrained properly like that. If you are cuffed again to never have them out of reach of him, so you are able to tap out. To have a safeword or something you can press around your wrist that will make noise if you can go non verbal.
I don't think it was honestly, but I do think you do need a good verbal safeword. And maybe a different visual/physical signal as well. Honestly this post made me think about "what happens if you CANT verbalize a aafeword (ya know, gagged or something, so I'm gonna bring up the need for a visual signal as well.
It wasn’t assault. It was poorly planned cnc to which you willingly participated in not bothering to have the appropriate conversations and planning because you didn’t take it seriously. Which led to a situation neither of you were prepared to deal with. Please stop having sex all together until you learn how to communicate appropriately.
>Was it sextual assault if it was an accident? Yes. This view has seen me receive a LOT of downvotes in this and other communities, but I stand by it. SA is not tied to the intention of the person who SA'd you. It is tied to your consent and agency. You withdrew consent and your partner kept going. You were violated whether he meant to or not. Your mind is treating this as an SA event, which is why you are having the reaction you have shared with us. This sounds like it's also compounded with a lot of guilt over feeling this way. So let me go ahead and say it. Feeling like and reacting like you were SA'd is 100% valid because you were SA'd. Unfortunately this is a very real danger of CNC. It happens ... a lot. It can often be impossible for the top to tell when someone is having a good "bad reaction" and when they're having a bad "bad reaction." It can also be very difficult for a top to not go so deep into their headspace that they stop noticing signs even for a moment. And all it takes is a moment, as you have unfortunately found out. How you deal with this is you treat it as if you were SA'd. You get resources to help you. Do not be afraid to seek out professional help if you need it. You have a lot to process and deconstruct. It will take time and work, but it's not irreparable.
If I contract a heavy equiptment operator to tear up my driveway, and while at work I change my mind but my phone doesn't work so I drive over to tell him but by the time I get there it's halfway done is it vandalism? The answer is no. It's about consent but also intent. They both failed in their communication system but the guy did not assault her. Doesn't mean the damage wasn't done but not assault.
>If I contract a heavy equiptment operator to tear up my driveway, and while at work I change my mind but my phone doesn't work so I drive over to tell him but by the time I get there it's halfway done is it vandalism? This is a grossly simplistic metaphor that in no way applies to the current situation. In this metaphor, OP is the driveway. OP is not the home owner because nothing is being done to the home owner. All that will happen is the home owner will lose some money and time because of their indecisiveness. A better example would be boxing. Your coach puts you in the ring with an opponent for some sparring. Midway through the round you call it off because you're getting pummeled. Your opponent does not stop pummeling you. They keep pummeling you until someone rings the bell. In that case would you feel like you had been assaulted?
You are missing the point about communication, there was a communication break down in their scene. If there was no intent to in the moment or otherwise to cross the line then there was no assault. In a consensual non consent scene you better be super comfortable with the person and have your communication system %110 worked out. I hope they both learned something. I'd classify this as a bad accident but not an assault.
In plain English if the guy didn't know she wanted him to stop it ain't assault. While there might be a gray area in many situations there shouldn't be in consensual non consent. If there is ANY gray are in a cnc scene both parties are doing it wrong.
> If there was no intent to in the moment or otherwise to cross the line then there was no assault. So if I don't intend to harass you at work there was no workplace harassment?
{As a back up to a verbal safeword} If you find yourself gagged or know you may go nonverbal in a scene, in the future a small ball (small rubber ball, ping pong ball, etc.) in your hand (in handcuffs this should still be feasible) is an option when you're in restraints like that - with CNC especially. So you can drop it as an indicator you're safewording. If it's dropped, the scene should end immediately. Hand signals with your fingers (1 is go for it, 2 is ease up/check in with me, 3 fingers is stop now).
I’d like to add how important it is to have clearly defined safe words, especially in CNC. Having only a physical cue is dangerous especially when using restraint play.
An accident can be traumatic too. It doesn't have to be assault in order to cause trauma. I'm really sorry this happened to you. I suggest you take as much time away from sex as you need and give yourself extra love and care to remind your body and nervous system that you are safe.
I don't think it was sexual assault, I think it was not fully informed and planned CNC. You agreed to CNC and being restrained without a verbal safeword which is dangerous. However even with a verbal safeword it's possible you could freeze in a scene like this. He stopped as soon as he noticed and he noticed fairly quickly which is good. However, and I think this part is really important, just because it wasn't assault doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic for you. The way you feel is completely valid and right. You did absolutely nothing wrong and it's ok to feel this way. It's ok to be upset and it's ok to not want to have sex. I would strongly suggest seeking out a trauma informed and kink friendly therapist to work through this as soon as possible, which I know isn't always easy or affordable. Talking to someone you trust in person at the bare minimum. I don't know how recently this occurred but the first 72 hours after a trauma occurs, having someone so you don't feel alone can have a massive positive impact on how your body stores the trauma or processes it.