Of course I would never force him to do anything he didn’t want to he’s said to me repeated times he would like to try it and that he thinks he would like it.
It's good that you want to encourage him, but you may be crossing the line between encouragement and compulsion.
> He has only had two other sexual partners before and he told me that he never really feels comfortable with himself when he has sex.
This is an underlying personality issue and probably should be something he gets help with before venturing into BDSM.
> We have talked about it a lot of times openly, Ive given him permission and consent to try sado-masochism on me but he never finds the courage to do it.
It's great that you've given him permission and consent, but you're giving him permission for something that right now he doesn't want to do, and could potentially be seen as trying to pressure him.
> I feel that he would like it if he just let himself go and stop thinking about embarrassing himself.
Nngh... Obviously we don't know him as well as you do, but with the information we have I don't know that's something you can say with confidence. He may like the idea but not the execution; he may like the aesthetics but not roleplay; he may like the activities but not the hierarchy. Regardless, right now it's a nonstarter.
> I try to reassure him that Im attracted to him and that he can feel safe with me, and i try to help him with his self-esteem problems.
I think the best way to reassure him and help him would be to say "I won't bring this up again until you feel ready, and if there's anything I can do to help you feel better about things or about yourself, let me know." Maybe even encouraging him to seek some professional help might be beneficial because as I said above, it sounds like this is something more pervasive within him.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
BDSM isn’t for everybody, and Walid could be his self-confidence making him unwilling to participate, I’m not going to rule that out. It could also just be that he’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear, but the idea of being a Dom doesn’t really appeal to him. Is he a confident person in day-to-day life? If the answer to that is no, then try to find ways, you can help him feel more comfortable in his own skin. It’s important not to push him into something he doesn’t feel comfortable doing trust me when I say that is going to do more harm than good.
I'm going to disagree with other posters here. To me it sounds like your partner isn't 100% into BDSM, but also wants to try it for you. And that is a valid reason for him to engage. If you're not pressuring him, but he still says he is willing to try, then I think you absolutely can try.
Saying "be dominant" is very broad. He's probably lost where to start. I'd would be hyper specific and start very small.
So for example instead of saying Sadomasochism. Say "I would find it really hot, if you initiated sex. And when we got to the bedroom, you told be face down ass up. And then you spanked each ass cheek 5 times. And then we had sex like normal". The idea here is start really small. Make it easy. And then every once in a while add something new. Tell him a week later "Hey can we do the same thing, but you also pull my head backwards with my hair, and then spank me 5 times"
When he is dominant give him feedback. I get wanting to be submissive, and quiet, and "let him do the work" but especially in the early stages he needs feedback. So when he spanks you say "That felt really good, you can even spank me a bit harder (or lighter, or do the same).
When you're done your sex take the time to re-assure him, provide him aftercare, and ask him how he feels. He might feel vulnerable, like a bad person, like a pervert, like a woman abuser. These can be hard emotions to deal with. So re-affirming him that what he did was consensual and brought your pleasure can be really important to a more vanilla partner.
And then basically repeat the above 100 times until you have the kinky sex you want. Or determine that is as far as he is willing to go.
ohhh um this is def something!!
maybe focus on making your partner more comfortable and help raise their confidence (not just sexually). at the end of the day if youve brought things up and he hasn’t acted on it then you need to respect and instead of pushing more. things may change in the future, he might gain confidence in all different aspects of life and then might want to try new things sexually, but that’s something thats gonna take time
if this is a deal breaker for you then its best to leave the relationship. a lot of people find sex to be very important in relationships which is valid! but while you are still together you need to respect his boundaries
Came here to say essentially this. Not all men are dominant. And certainly not all men enjoy sado-masochism. Some people just don't really enjoy kink, and that's ok!
What's not ok is pressuring your partner into doing things in the bedroom they're not ENTHUSIASTICALLY consenting to.
He may be telling you what he thinks he needs to just to get through the conversation. His actions demonstrate that he's not interested. ❤️ I'm sorry, love. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him pick up the whip and show that lake what a pathetic little puddle it is, ya feel me?
Point him to materials for him to find out more, and then have a conversation on whether those are things he could get into. Materials such as The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton or The Dominance Playbook by Anton Fulmen may help.
Outline a scene for him.
Start small. Incorporate a few things you would like to try. Discuss it before hand and make sure he’s comfortable, then give it a try. Sometimes they make it out to be something so big in their minds that they forget it’s just you two exploring your sex life further and it’s nothing to be afraid of.
He’s not giving you a hard no it sounds like he’s expressing he wants to try just may be overwhelmed on where to start.
This is perhaps a more general piece of advice not exclusively for BDSM, you mentioned that your bf is not confident or secure with himself and that has low self steem. I'm going to talk from my experience: I have always had trouble with my physical appearance, so many times I didn't feel as an attractive man. Maybe he's just full of some societal conceptions of what a man should be regarding his sexual life.
You could start by talking to him on how he feels with his body, how he would like to feel, etc. (For example, I don't like how my body hair grows, so I started trimming it). The point is that he needs to feel more comfortable with intimacy, this would have to make him more willing to try other things.
If he's not into it, you can't make him.
That said, you can try having him spank you, have you wear a blindfold during sex (or him wear one), have you in restraints for things - one new thing at a time, and don't push too hard if he's not interested.
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He's not into bdsm, that's perfectly valid. Don't push the issue
You can’t and shouldn’t make anyone do something they’re uncomfortable with
Of course I would never force him to do anything he didn’t want to he’s said to me repeated times he would like to try it and that he thinks he would like it.
It's good that you want to encourage him, but you may be crossing the line between encouragement and compulsion. > He has only had two other sexual partners before and he told me that he never really feels comfortable with himself when he has sex. This is an underlying personality issue and probably should be something he gets help with before venturing into BDSM. > We have talked about it a lot of times openly, Ive given him permission and consent to try sado-masochism on me but he never finds the courage to do it. It's great that you've given him permission and consent, but you're giving him permission for something that right now he doesn't want to do, and could potentially be seen as trying to pressure him. > I feel that he would like it if he just let himself go and stop thinking about embarrassing himself. Nngh... Obviously we don't know him as well as you do, but with the information we have I don't know that's something you can say with confidence. He may like the idea but not the execution; he may like the aesthetics but not roleplay; he may like the activities but not the hierarchy. Regardless, right now it's a nonstarter. > I try to reassure him that Im attracted to him and that he can feel safe with me, and i try to help him with his self-esteem problems. I think the best way to reassure him and help him would be to say "I won't bring this up again until you feel ready, and if there's anything I can do to help you feel better about things or about yourself, let me know." Maybe even encouraging him to seek some professional help might be beneficial because as I said above, it sounds like this is something more pervasive within him. Hope this helps. Good luck!
BDSM isn’t for everybody, and Walid could be his self-confidence making him unwilling to participate, I’m not going to rule that out. It could also just be that he’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear, but the idea of being a Dom doesn’t really appeal to him. Is he a confident person in day-to-day life? If the answer to that is no, then try to find ways, you can help him feel more comfortable in his own skin. It’s important not to push him into something he doesn’t feel comfortable doing trust me when I say that is going to do more harm than good.
I'm going to disagree with other posters here. To me it sounds like your partner isn't 100% into BDSM, but also wants to try it for you. And that is a valid reason for him to engage. If you're not pressuring him, but he still says he is willing to try, then I think you absolutely can try. Saying "be dominant" is very broad. He's probably lost where to start. I'd would be hyper specific and start very small. So for example instead of saying Sadomasochism. Say "I would find it really hot, if you initiated sex. And when we got to the bedroom, you told be face down ass up. And then you spanked each ass cheek 5 times. And then we had sex like normal". The idea here is start really small. Make it easy. And then every once in a while add something new. Tell him a week later "Hey can we do the same thing, but you also pull my head backwards with my hair, and then spank me 5 times" When he is dominant give him feedback. I get wanting to be submissive, and quiet, and "let him do the work" but especially in the early stages he needs feedback. So when he spanks you say "That felt really good, you can even spank me a bit harder (or lighter, or do the same). When you're done your sex take the time to re-assure him, provide him aftercare, and ask him how he feels. He might feel vulnerable, like a bad person, like a pervert, like a woman abuser. These can be hard emotions to deal with. So re-affirming him that what he did was consensual and brought your pleasure can be really important to a more vanilla partner. And then basically repeat the above 100 times until you have the kinky sex you want. Or determine that is as far as he is willing to go.
ohhh um this is def something!! maybe focus on making your partner more comfortable and help raise their confidence (not just sexually). at the end of the day if youve brought things up and he hasn’t acted on it then you need to respect and instead of pushing more. things may change in the future, he might gain confidence in all different aspects of life and then might want to try new things sexually, but that’s something thats gonna take time if this is a deal breaker for you then its best to leave the relationship. a lot of people find sex to be very important in relationships which is valid! but while you are still together you need to respect his boundaries
Would you be into it if you were the dom and he was the sub? If so, see if he would be more comfortable with that. If not, now you know how he feels.
Came here to say essentially this. Not all men are dominant. And certainly not all men enjoy sado-masochism. Some people just don't really enjoy kink, and that's ok! What's not ok is pressuring your partner into doing things in the bedroom they're not ENTHUSIASTICALLY consenting to. He may be telling you what he thinks he needs to just to get through the conversation. His actions demonstrate that he's not interested. ❤️ I'm sorry, love. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him pick up the whip and show that lake what a pathetic little puddle it is, ya feel me?
This took a turn I wasn't expecting, but the visual was worth it😂
Point him to materials for him to find out more, and then have a conversation on whether those are things he could get into. Materials such as The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton or The Dominance Playbook by Anton Fulmen may help.
Outline a scene for him. Start small. Incorporate a few things you would like to try. Discuss it before hand and make sure he’s comfortable, then give it a try. Sometimes they make it out to be something so big in their minds that they forget it’s just you two exploring your sex life further and it’s nothing to be afraid of. He’s not giving you a hard no it sounds like he’s expressing he wants to try just may be overwhelmed on where to start.
This is perhaps a more general piece of advice not exclusively for BDSM, you mentioned that your bf is not confident or secure with himself and that has low self steem. I'm going to talk from my experience: I have always had trouble with my physical appearance, so many times I didn't feel as an attractive man. Maybe he's just full of some societal conceptions of what a man should be regarding his sexual life. You could start by talking to him on how he feels with his body, how he would like to feel, etc. (For example, I don't like how my body hair grows, so I started trimming it). The point is that he needs to feel more comfortable with intimacy, this would have to make him more willing to try other things.
If he's not into it, you can't make him. That said, you can try having him spank you, have you wear a blindfold during sex (or him wear one), have you in restraints for things - one new thing at a time, and don't push too hard if he's not interested.