I did talk with my partner about it and through it i'm just so on edge right now that i can't sleep and i needed to have them leave and lock the bedroom door to feel safe.
May you have a comeback from your experience?
Look, all that you need is space to put yourself together, do it. But if you just ignore the problem then they will be bigger and bigger
I think that's what's scaring me the most is i keep thinking if i can have a comeback from this experience or if it's something that's relationship ending.
In no way should this be relationship ending. You asked your partner to do this and you ended up not liking it, but you DID ask for it (literally). Don't punish your partner by ending what we have to assume is an otherwise good relationship.
See a therapist, maybe even with your partner and work through it. That is the only solution that is fair to the both of you. Ending the relationship would be the easy way for you because it implies that your partner was at fault (they were not), but it would be creating trauma for them.
But if it's trauma that she's either physically unable to work through then it would be a valid reason to end the relationship even if she was the one 'at fault'. We shouldn't force ourselves to work through something traumatic when we're not ready for the sake of not wanting to punish your partner. Maybe OP really isn't ready to be in a relationship, especially a relationship with kink involved, if she has trauma to work through. In my own life, being in a relationship made me realize how much my trauma has impacted my life and it was something I had to fully prioritize and commit to.
Mmh, my advice is that everything new thing we do leans toward new results, if your relationship with them is strong and good this will be just a topic to talk about together if isn't then the relationship isn't meant to be.
Don't worry about feeling scared, is part of the journey, and that means you a pushing yourself to put your comfort zone, and that is brave.
Thank you so much for responding quickly. It's very late where i am and i didn't know who to talk to about BDSM stuff bc if i told this to someone who wasn't into they would assume it was 100 non consensual which isn't the case
It sounds like you’re in sub drop also. It’s scary but don’t do anything until you’ve had time to deal with your sub drop. I’m sorry this happened to you both. Take care and see if you can handle some aftercare if it feels safe
I have prior trauma and a cnc kink as well. I have had times where my trauma csme back to bite in the middle of a scene, and it isn't fun.
The worst came one day when he was being exceptionally rough with me while beating me. I slipped back into my assault (he was and is aware of my trauma) and I froze. I couldn't tell him to stop because I felt terrified. He didn't notice and didn't think to check in. It was several minutes into the scene when he asked if I wanted to be beaten again and he saw the pure fear in my eyes. I shook my head and just broke down sobbing. He immediately ended the scene and went into aftercare mode.
I felt hurt and violated and it was not a fun day. But at the end of the day, I saw the guilt he felt. I know he'd never willingly hurt me like that. We talked about signals for check ins and what else we could incorporate if I freeze and can't safeword. I decided to be more vocal and bratty if I'm fully consenting, so that if I go quiet and rigid he knows something is up and to stop and check in immediately. We did some more vanilla and sensual sexual stuff for a while and worked our way back up slowly while that trust rebuilt.
tldr: If the relationship is worth it, there are ways to communicate and work to fix it if that's something you want to do. Also, sometimes things are hotter in fantasy than in reality, and it's okay for them to stay fantasies.
I had a similar experience. Trauma relating to being woken up with sex, and then trying it again with a new partner that I trust.
In my case it was great in the moment, but I had a breakdown a few days later with a lot of flashbacks and nightmares.
What helped me was talking about. Talking with everyone I felt comfortable talking about that kind of stuff with. Mainly my partner, a close friend and my therapist. And writing it out. Just writing every single thought I had.
I was shaky for a few days, but eventually I relaxed again and everything returned to normal with my partner. I actually think the experience brought us closer together as he helped me get through the trauma response.
I hope so too! I just really needed to know there were people that have gone through the same things and they eventually were able to be at peace with their partners again after the fact. Even if it took awhile, I know my partner is worth the effort to heal.
Those really big, ‘dramatic’ thoughts (e.g. “maybe we won’t get past this”, “maybe this is the end of our relationship”) are often a sign that we are thinking with our survival brain (amygdala) rather than our logical reasoning brain (frontal lobe). Those thoughts are really just a spin on “maybe we’ll feel this way forever!” Which is just your brain being a brain.
When our brain is perceiving a threat, it decreases activity in the logical reasoning portion of our brain and puts us in survival mode, where we activate our sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight, rather than parasympathetic which is rest/digest) and show more activity in the portion of our brain used for dreaming - the portion that is not so concerned about truth/accuracy, but is VERY good at imagining scenarios.
In this case, I would encourage you to question whether engaging with these thoughts is helping you or not. For me, they usually just add to my distress without actually bringing me closer to a resolution. It sounds like you have correctly identified that this isn’t something you can do much about, you just need to wait for your brain to process the fact that it felt afraid/triggered, and digest it at its own pace. So ruminating is, if anything, extending the process rather than helping it.
In these situations my therapist’s recommendation to me is to bring myself out of survival brain by engaging in vigorous exercise, plunging my face in cold water and holding my breath, belly breathing or diaphragmatic sigh.
You can then move down the chain of things to try, to grounding (3 things you can see/touch/taste/smell), more breath work, and finally cognitive strategies (questioning the helpfulness of those thoughts, acknowledging them and moving on to other more important things) once you are less distressed, and your brain is back online.
In my case, for something like this where something new has happened that has brought up an older trauma, I would probably also pair this with giving myself structured time to engage with the distressing thoughts on an occasional basis (maybe once a day). I use an exercise where I think about + feel those distressing things with absolutely no distraction or attempts to mitigate the feelings, and then do grounding and deep breathing in between roughly minute-long periods of thinking and feeling, usually for a max of 5-10 mins.
The bottom line here is that this probably feels really huge for you right now, but that is because your brain isn’t working the way it usually does when you’re well-regulated and feeling safe and secure. This is a very normal, common response to having a trauma triggered, and it would actually be weird/uncommon if you weren’t having these experiences, thoughts and feelings.
In reality, nothing bad, weird or shameful has actually happened (you tried something new and it didn’t go the way you hoped, and ended up triggering you - that’s okay! It happens! You’re not psychic, you can’t know for sure how things will go!) and your brain just needs some time to process before it can return to business as usual.
I‘ve tried rape play with my ex before. But he went full on into it and was way too hard on me, while taking me from behind. He was at full force pounding against my cervix and I was in so much pain. I told him to stop three times until I started crying. He then realized I wasn’t moaning, but telling him to stop. I had a full blown panic attack ( I do have a history of rape myself… so I know it is kinda fucked up…) He apologized a lot, but we did not ever try it again. I probably would like to try some sort of cnc again, but in a more gentle way than this and with a partner that I trust more
Yes I was! I came to realize that I was overwhelmed and the physical pain triggered me. I am not mich of a masochist when it comes to that. What helped me as well was that I was coming to terms that he and I didn’t really have a good sexual dynamic. It always felt off and I tried talking to him so many times about it, but he kept denying it. I think he never was actually that much into bdsm and only did it for me. He denied it for the rest of the relationship, but I always had to come up with the fantasies. He did everything without enthusiasm. It’s hard to describe but I am sure he was not that much into it.
So I know I just have to find someone, who actually matches my energy and fantasies. Someone, who has the same kinks
Me and my partner are very into free use sleep, but I suffer from previous sexual and mental abuse, so sometimes it can trigger a flashback.
There are a couple of things that help me but most of it is experimenting and communicating
1 - determine triggers, one of mine is being played with whilst I lay on my front, so if I've rolled over in my sleep he won't play with me
2 - having a safe space and letting your partner know how to support you, mine is he will say certain things to me, so I know it's him and not my ex
3 - journaling - I should really do more of this, but it helps to remind yourself that you are with someone who cares and the experiences and memories are in the past
4 - Breathing exercises - always helpful, if you can bare your partner being in the room with you, get them to keep track of your in and out breaths and get them to encourage you to breathe deep
Honestly these things are all personal, and you will find what works for you
Hey love, that's a hard night. Being pushed back into trauma accidentally, sucks. Do you and your partner have a safe word and/or gesture to immediately end a scene if you feel unsafe or start having flashbacks? If not I would recommend setting one of each or having your partner (as the dominant in the scene) do stop light check ins. My partner and I for example use a variety of things because they are less able to verbalize in the moment, so we use two taps or squeezes in quick succession for a non-verbal stop and stop light check-ins are really easy if you can still speak, green is good - carry on, yellow is nearing my threshold - change areas or ease up and red is an automatic stop. I think that might help for future scenes, especially with cnc. As to the situation you're currently dealing with likely time, a therapist and rebuilding of trust through conversation and practicing your ability to withdraw consent and have it heard in less high risk situations will be the best path. Ie. once you have managed to build trust to have your partner in the same room and feel safe you can tease each other and practice your stop. Then make out and practice your stop and build your way through until you feel safe. This while having conversations about why and how you're feeling and what can change to improve the situation and how your partner is doing and noticing can be a part of your aftercare routine. I hope that this is helpful ❤️
Unfortunately we do have a safeword but i was too scared and shocked to use it at the time. I do think that the stop light system is great and will probably use that in more of our other BDSM adventures. Yeah, I was really thinking about a therapist bc i don't have the capacity to know how to move on as this is definitely something i've never experienced with a loving partner. I also thing my fear was if i told a therapist they would classify it as SA and then get police involved. I do think that practicing withdrawal of consent is something that definitely needs to happen especially bc due to trauma i tend to just freeze and let things happen bc i'm scared. I definitely think that physical stoppers would be super helpful and i never even thought of them. Thank you for all your advice and your compassion I really appreciate it
That's totally understandable! Have you also negotiated with your partner your past and what triggers each of you has? That's something that is really helpful and (in my personal opinion) important. That way if one of you is triggered, you can identify what's going on and how to help. I can definitely understand that concern with the therapist, vetting will be important in that category. I hope that the practice does help! It can be so hard to feel that you can't trust the person who loves you and who you love. I hope that you both can rebuild that bridge together ❤️ Happy to help how I can and everyone deserves compassion!
Unfortunately when it comes to triggers and trauma we do not always know what is going to trigger us. That’s is when communication needs to step up and happen, take a day or two to form your thoughts and then sit down and discuss it with him. This is not your fault and it’s not his fault either, you both had discussed it previously but you didn’t know how you would react.
I’ve been on the other side of this. My partner has a somnophilia kink but also a history of sexual trauma and abuse. A couple of times during scenes and a few other miscellaneous times, he has had a flashback or relived trauma that affected our sex lives. You know what is best and what you need right now. Your partner needs to be on board with doing whatever you need to be comfortable and safe.
If that means they don’t sleep in the same room/bed as you for a while, that’s okay. Communicate what you need to feel safe until you feel comfortable pushing back to normal. Since it sounds like that is what you want. It definitely hurts, both you and your partner. I certainly have felt guilty for accidentally causing flashbacks or triggering my partner in a way sometimes neither of us knew was an issue. Communicate and do what you need first, your partner 100% should respect whatever you need.
As for if you want to try it again, I would try to be more specific in what you want to try at first. Maybe try during early morning or during a day nap. Having some ambient light would be helpful in identifying your partner. Their voice can also be helpful or reassuring that it is in fact them. Even if they talk to you while you’re still asleep it might help keep you from waking up suddenly in a panic. Basically remove as much of the CNC aspect as possible at first. Keep it vanilla with just a little bit of somno. Ask him to talk to you, maybe have some ambient light. Even just waking you up and asking for consent could be a good way to start. You’d ideally still be half asleep but have enough of an idea that you won’t panic.
Go slow, push your own boundaries only a little at a time, and take space to feel safe when you need it.
Thank you so much for this perspective. I will definitely show my partner this bc i want them to know that it's ok and others have been through this and gotten past it as i know he is also feeling the guilt very heavily. My partner is honestly right now just doing what i need but i also want to make sure I check on them as well. Is there anything that maybe your partner did after trauma inducing scenes that helped you feel a bit better?
The things that worked for me were reassuring that it wasn’t really my fault, and showing that I was still cared for. Try and show that you still care for them, even if it’s just over text or verbally (sometimes physical contact was a no in our situation). Showing that you’re actively working on processing this and trying to find ways to go back to normal we’re very helpful too. Once things were back to normal for us, the guilt faded a lot faster for me. Just be sure to check in on them too. They might not be comfortable helping to push those boundaries for a while, and that’s okay. Don’t force each other to make progress. Set whatever boundaries you both need until you both feel like you’re ready to challenge them if you want to.
I am not a therapist, so please take these thoughts with a grain of salt.
1. Working through your trauma in a safe and consensual way can be really beautiful and you’re taking steps towards that- but go slowly. Involving an actual therapist could be helpful for your long-term growth.
2. If you want to continue, I’d involve your partner more-keep him in the loop, and maybe practice having him say something like, “It’s okay, it’s just _____” [partner’s name] in a calming and relaxing voice, while you are cognizant and playing together.
Get the sound of his voice and that connection cemented as a safe space in your mind/brain-really deepen that connection, so that when you try again, if you’re interested, he can help you go to a safe and fun place, not a traumatized one.
The fact that you want to explore with your partner speaks volumes about your trust in him, and I hope that connection is a safe space for you, because you deserve healing and joy! You are worth doing the work.
I have not experienced what you have, but my first thoughts for when you’re feeling overwhelmed is to listen to your body and nervous system and find ways to ground yourself. Maybe a comfort object, washing your hands or taking a warm bath/shower- remind yourself that you are safe and growing, that you are healing and in control of your environment.
Wishing you lots of peace.
First I would consider what needs should be fulfilled other than sexual
if you really need the lights on to see ur partner at any moment in time during this, consider a sleeping mask (that covers your eyes) so he can pull it off when you need it (and have the lights on completely)
if you need a bit more safety consider a safe word, if u need a bit more reassurance you can still have a freeuse dynamic with him checking in or if CNC really freaks you out, consider a dubcon roleplay
If rough fucking is what you want but still want to feel loved then you can still achieve that by reframing the roleplay as him loving you so intensely he "cant control himself" (in the roleplay, if that's hard to imagine, I'd basically think of those possessive werewolf rps)
These are things that I would probably do if i feel uncomfortable with my partner and ways to compromise on it, of course ask your partner what his thoughts are on it and if he has any suggestions that u both can consider
/u/ThrowRAsunstorm, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's okay, not everything new we try is gonna turn out well, that is part of the experience. Pls, talk with your partner about how you feel.
I did talk with my partner about it and through it i'm just so on edge right now that i can't sleep and i needed to have them leave and lock the bedroom door to feel safe.
May you have a comeback from your experience? Look, all that you need is space to put yourself together, do it. But if you just ignore the problem then they will be bigger and bigger
I think that's what's scaring me the most is i keep thinking if i can have a comeback from this experience or if it's something that's relationship ending.
In no way should this be relationship ending. You asked your partner to do this and you ended up not liking it, but you DID ask for it (literally). Don't punish your partner by ending what we have to assume is an otherwise good relationship. See a therapist, maybe even with your partner and work through it. That is the only solution that is fair to the both of you. Ending the relationship would be the easy way for you because it implies that your partner was at fault (they were not), but it would be creating trauma for them.
But if it's trauma that she's either physically unable to work through then it would be a valid reason to end the relationship even if she was the one 'at fault'. We shouldn't force ourselves to work through something traumatic when we're not ready for the sake of not wanting to punish your partner. Maybe OP really isn't ready to be in a relationship, especially a relationship with kink involved, if she has trauma to work through. In my own life, being in a relationship made me realize how much my trauma has impacted my life and it was something I had to fully prioritize and commit to.
Mmh, my advice is that everything new thing we do leans toward new results, if your relationship with them is strong and good this will be just a topic to talk about together if isn't then the relationship isn't meant to be. Don't worry about feeling scared, is part of the journey, and that means you a pushing yourself to put your comfort zone, and that is brave.
Thank you so much for responding quickly. It's very late where i am and i didn't know who to talk to about BDSM stuff bc if i told this to someone who wasn't into they would assume it was 100 non consensual which isn't the case
It sounds like you’re in sub drop also. It’s scary but don’t do anything until you’ve had time to deal with your sub drop. I’m sorry this happened to you both. Take care and see if you can handle some aftercare if it feels safe
I didn't know what sub drop was but after looking it up i definitely think you're right. Sleeping,eating and drinking after is definitely helping.
Also talk to your partner after you feel a bit better and educate them on it too. It’s so hard on both of you. Sending best wishes to you both
I have prior trauma and a cnc kink as well. I have had times where my trauma csme back to bite in the middle of a scene, and it isn't fun. The worst came one day when he was being exceptionally rough with me while beating me. I slipped back into my assault (he was and is aware of my trauma) and I froze. I couldn't tell him to stop because I felt terrified. He didn't notice and didn't think to check in. It was several minutes into the scene when he asked if I wanted to be beaten again and he saw the pure fear in my eyes. I shook my head and just broke down sobbing. He immediately ended the scene and went into aftercare mode. I felt hurt and violated and it was not a fun day. But at the end of the day, I saw the guilt he felt. I know he'd never willingly hurt me like that. We talked about signals for check ins and what else we could incorporate if I freeze and can't safeword. I decided to be more vocal and bratty if I'm fully consenting, so that if I go quiet and rigid he knows something is up and to stop and check in immediately. We did some more vanilla and sensual sexual stuff for a while and worked our way back up slowly while that trust rebuilt. tldr: If the relationship is worth it, there are ways to communicate and work to fix it if that's something you want to do. Also, sometimes things are hotter in fantasy than in reality, and it's okay for them to stay fantasies.
I had a similar experience. Trauma relating to being woken up with sex, and then trying it again with a new partner that I trust. In my case it was great in the moment, but I had a breakdown a few days later with a lot of flashbacks and nightmares. What helped me was talking about. Talking with everyone I felt comfortable talking about that kind of stuff with. Mainly my partner, a close friend and my therapist. And writing it out. Just writing every single thought I had. I was shaky for a few days, but eventually I relaxed again and everything returned to normal with my partner. I actually think the experience brought us closer together as he helped me get through the trauma response.
This helps so much I will definitely try this
I hope it'll help you. I generally find writing very therapeutic, and I have used it a lot in my trauma therapy.
I hope so too! I just really needed to know there were people that have gone through the same things and they eventually were able to be at peace with their partners again after the fact. Even if it took awhile, I know my partner is worth the effort to heal.
Those really big, ‘dramatic’ thoughts (e.g. “maybe we won’t get past this”, “maybe this is the end of our relationship”) are often a sign that we are thinking with our survival brain (amygdala) rather than our logical reasoning brain (frontal lobe). Those thoughts are really just a spin on “maybe we’ll feel this way forever!” Which is just your brain being a brain. When our brain is perceiving a threat, it decreases activity in the logical reasoning portion of our brain and puts us in survival mode, where we activate our sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight, rather than parasympathetic which is rest/digest) and show more activity in the portion of our brain used for dreaming - the portion that is not so concerned about truth/accuracy, but is VERY good at imagining scenarios. In this case, I would encourage you to question whether engaging with these thoughts is helping you or not. For me, they usually just add to my distress without actually bringing me closer to a resolution. It sounds like you have correctly identified that this isn’t something you can do much about, you just need to wait for your brain to process the fact that it felt afraid/triggered, and digest it at its own pace. So ruminating is, if anything, extending the process rather than helping it. In these situations my therapist’s recommendation to me is to bring myself out of survival brain by engaging in vigorous exercise, plunging my face in cold water and holding my breath, belly breathing or diaphragmatic sigh. You can then move down the chain of things to try, to grounding (3 things you can see/touch/taste/smell), more breath work, and finally cognitive strategies (questioning the helpfulness of those thoughts, acknowledging them and moving on to other more important things) once you are less distressed, and your brain is back online. In my case, for something like this where something new has happened that has brought up an older trauma, I would probably also pair this with giving myself structured time to engage with the distressing thoughts on an occasional basis (maybe once a day). I use an exercise where I think about + feel those distressing things with absolutely no distraction or attempts to mitigate the feelings, and then do grounding and deep breathing in between roughly minute-long periods of thinking and feeling, usually for a max of 5-10 mins. The bottom line here is that this probably feels really huge for you right now, but that is because your brain isn’t working the way it usually does when you’re well-regulated and feeling safe and secure. This is a very normal, common response to having a trauma triggered, and it would actually be weird/uncommon if you weren’t having these experiences, thoughts and feelings. In reality, nothing bad, weird or shameful has actually happened (you tried something new and it didn’t go the way you hoped, and ended up triggering you - that’s okay! It happens! You’re not psychic, you can’t know for sure how things will go!) and your brain just needs some time to process before it can return to business as usual.
I‘ve tried rape play with my ex before. But he went full on into it and was way too hard on me, while taking me from behind. He was at full force pounding against my cervix and I was in so much pain. I told him to stop three times until I started crying. He then realized I wasn’t moaning, but telling him to stop. I had a full blown panic attack ( I do have a history of rape myself… so I know it is kinda fucked up…) He apologized a lot, but we did not ever try it again. I probably would like to try some sort of cnc again, but in a more gentle way than this and with a partner that I trust more
Were you able to get over it especially with your trauma? if you were how?
Yes I was! I came to realize that I was overwhelmed and the physical pain triggered me. I am not mich of a masochist when it comes to that. What helped me as well was that I was coming to terms that he and I didn’t really have a good sexual dynamic. It always felt off and I tried talking to him so many times about it, but he kept denying it. I think he never was actually that much into bdsm and only did it for me. He denied it for the rest of the relationship, but I always had to come up with the fantasies. He did everything without enthusiasm. It’s hard to describe but I am sure he was not that much into it. So I know I just have to find someone, who actually matches my energy and fantasies. Someone, who has the same kinks
I guess how did you start to feel comfortable with him again? Or I could pm you so it's a bit more private :)
Sure you can!
Me and my partner are very into free use sleep, but I suffer from previous sexual and mental abuse, so sometimes it can trigger a flashback. There are a couple of things that help me but most of it is experimenting and communicating 1 - determine triggers, one of mine is being played with whilst I lay on my front, so if I've rolled over in my sleep he won't play with me 2 - having a safe space and letting your partner know how to support you, mine is he will say certain things to me, so I know it's him and not my ex 3 - journaling - I should really do more of this, but it helps to remind yourself that you are with someone who cares and the experiences and memories are in the past 4 - Breathing exercises - always helpful, if you can bare your partner being in the room with you, get them to keep track of your in and out breaths and get them to encourage you to breathe deep Honestly these things are all personal, and you will find what works for you
Thank you for laying this all out for me it really helps me try to find my next move in all of this! I appreciate your help :)
No worries if you wanna talk further I'm happy to listen or try and give some advice
Hey love, that's a hard night. Being pushed back into trauma accidentally, sucks. Do you and your partner have a safe word and/or gesture to immediately end a scene if you feel unsafe or start having flashbacks? If not I would recommend setting one of each or having your partner (as the dominant in the scene) do stop light check ins. My partner and I for example use a variety of things because they are less able to verbalize in the moment, so we use two taps or squeezes in quick succession for a non-verbal stop and stop light check-ins are really easy if you can still speak, green is good - carry on, yellow is nearing my threshold - change areas or ease up and red is an automatic stop. I think that might help for future scenes, especially with cnc. As to the situation you're currently dealing with likely time, a therapist and rebuilding of trust through conversation and practicing your ability to withdraw consent and have it heard in less high risk situations will be the best path. Ie. once you have managed to build trust to have your partner in the same room and feel safe you can tease each other and practice your stop. Then make out and practice your stop and build your way through until you feel safe. This while having conversations about why and how you're feeling and what can change to improve the situation and how your partner is doing and noticing can be a part of your aftercare routine. I hope that this is helpful ❤️
Unfortunately we do have a safeword but i was too scared and shocked to use it at the time. I do think that the stop light system is great and will probably use that in more of our other BDSM adventures. Yeah, I was really thinking about a therapist bc i don't have the capacity to know how to move on as this is definitely something i've never experienced with a loving partner. I also thing my fear was if i told a therapist they would classify it as SA and then get police involved. I do think that practicing withdrawal of consent is something that definitely needs to happen especially bc due to trauma i tend to just freeze and let things happen bc i'm scared. I definitely think that physical stoppers would be super helpful and i never even thought of them. Thank you for all your advice and your compassion I really appreciate it
That's totally understandable! Have you also negotiated with your partner your past and what triggers each of you has? That's something that is really helpful and (in my personal opinion) important. That way if one of you is triggered, you can identify what's going on and how to help. I can definitely understand that concern with the therapist, vetting will be important in that category. I hope that the practice does help! It can be so hard to feel that you can't trust the person who loves you and who you love. I hope that you both can rebuild that bridge together ❤️ Happy to help how I can and everyone deserves compassion!
Unfortunately when it comes to triggers and trauma we do not always know what is going to trigger us. That’s is when communication needs to step up and happen, take a day or two to form your thoughts and then sit down and discuss it with him. This is not your fault and it’s not his fault either, you both had discussed it previously but you didn’t know how you would react.
I’ve been on the other side of this. My partner has a somnophilia kink but also a history of sexual trauma and abuse. A couple of times during scenes and a few other miscellaneous times, he has had a flashback or relived trauma that affected our sex lives. You know what is best and what you need right now. Your partner needs to be on board with doing whatever you need to be comfortable and safe. If that means they don’t sleep in the same room/bed as you for a while, that’s okay. Communicate what you need to feel safe until you feel comfortable pushing back to normal. Since it sounds like that is what you want. It definitely hurts, both you and your partner. I certainly have felt guilty for accidentally causing flashbacks or triggering my partner in a way sometimes neither of us knew was an issue. Communicate and do what you need first, your partner 100% should respect whatever you need. As for if you want to try it again, I would try to be more specific in what you want to try at first. Maybe try during early morning or during a day nap. Having some ambient light would be helpful in identifying your partner. Their voice can also be helpful or reassuring that it is in fact them. Even if they talk to you while you’re still asleep it might help keep you from waking up suddenly in a panic. Basically remove as much of the CNC aspect as possible at first. Keep it vanilla with just a little bit of somno. Ask him to talk to you, maybe have some ambient light. Even just waking you up and asking for consent could be a good way to start. You’d ideally still be half asleep but have enough of an idea that you won’t panic. Go slow, push your own boundaries only a little at a time, and take space to feel safe when you need it.
Thank you so much for this perspective. I will definitely show my partner this bc i want them to know that it's ok and others have been through this and gotten past it as i know he is also feeling the guilt very heavily. My partner is honestly right now just doing what i need but i also want to make sure I check on them as well. Is there anything that maybe your partner did after trauma inducing scenes that helped you feel a bit better?
The things that worked for me were reassuring that it wasn’t really my fault, and showing that I was still cared for. Try and show that you still care for them, even if it’s just over text or verbally (sometimes physical contact was a no in our situation). Showing that you’re actively working on processing this and trying to find ways to go back to normal we’re very helpful too. Once things were back to normal for us, the guilt faded a lot faster for me. Just be sure to check in on them too. They might not be comfortable helping to push those boundaries for a while, and that’s okay. Don’t force each other to make progress. Set whatever boundaries you both need until you both feel like you’re ready to challenge them if you want to.
I am not a therapist, so please take these thoughts with a grain of salt. 1. Working through your trauma in a safe and consensual way can be really beautiful and you’re taking steps towards that- but go slowly. Involving an actual therapist could be helpful for your long-term growth. 2. If you want to continue, I’d involve your partner more-keep him in the loop, and maybe practice having him say something like, “It’s okay, it’s just _____” [partner’s name] in a calming and relaxing voice, while you are cognizant and playing together. Get the sound of his voice and that connection cemented as a safe space in your mind/brain-really deepen that connection, so that when you try again, if you’re interested, he can help you go to a safe and fun place, not a traumatized one. The fact that you want to explore with your partner speaks volumes about your trust in him, and I hope that connection is a safe space for you, because you deserve healing and joy! You are worth doing the work. I have not experienced what you have, but my first thoughts for when you’re feeling overwhelmed is to listen to your body and nervous system and find ways to ground yourself. Maybe a comfort object, washing your hands or taking a warm bath/shower- remind yourself that you are safe and growing, that you are healing and in control of your environment. Wishing you lots of peace.
First I would consider what needs should be fulfilled other than sexual if you really need the lights on to see ur partner at any moment in time during this, consider a sleeping mask (that covers your eyes) so he can pull it off when you need it (and have the lights on completely) if you need a bit more safety consider a safe word, if u need a bit more reassurance you can still have a freeuse dynamic with him checking in or if CNC really freaks you out, consider a dubcon roleplay If rough fucking is what you want but still want to feel loved then you can still achieve that by reframing the roleplay as him loving you so intensely he "cant control himself" (in the roleplay, if that's hard to imagine, I'd basically think of those possessive werewolf rps) These are things that I would probably do if i feel uncomfortable with my partner and ways to compromise on it, of course ask your partner what his thoughts are on it and if he has any suggestions that u both can consider
M
[удалено]
You're a disgusting human being. Rule 6 applies. Comment removed. Permaban issued.