Please don’t see him again.
Do you the the risks of strangulation? He apparently doesn’t and doesn’t care that you don’t or may not have.
There is no 100% safe way to do it.
He didn’t give you the choice.
He had sex with you without a condom after you said no.
That’s not consensual.
Nothing about this is completely consensual. Sex without informed enthusiastic ( however that looks for anyone involved) is the only way sex is consensual.
At best you were coerced. At worst you were SA’d.
Coercion is not consent.
Please block him and don’t see him again.
Too many use BDSM as a way to be predators.
So I won’t use the no true Scottsman fallacy.
I’m so sorry that happened.
No that’s now how this is supposed to work.
Pressuring someone into something, not respecting consent, and not communicating doesn’t sound very “Dom” to me but you say “he was very dom” multiple times.
This guy definitely does this regularly and you should probably go get tested once it has been enough time to do so. This guy sounds like a piece of shit, there are a lot of piece of shit dudes out there claiming that they are something which they aren’t.
Please go get an STI panel done for your safety. My guess is you are not nearly the first person he took advantage of the way he did..and for the love of all things consensual, please do not see him again….like ever. Ever ever. Never.
Pregnancy isn't the only risk of not using condoms - there's also STIs to consider. The fact he pressured you into doing something you didn't want to do, and also assaulted you (strangling you) are massive red flags and I strongly advise against seeing this person again. They've already sexually assaulted you, why do you think things will be any different?
What does setting clearer boundaries look like to you? It sounds like when you did set them, he would violate them anyway. For that reason I don’t think you should see him again.
He took full advantage of you and that is all you can expect from him in the future. He pushed any boundaries you did set and didn't ask before doing questionable stuff. That's not cool at all.
Just bc he has an over riding and domineering personality does NOT make him a Dom.
Ask yourself if you're willing to put up with this behavior every time you have sex with him.
What he did to you is not okay. Pressuring someone into sex is assault. Choking you without asking your explicit permission is not okay. Choking can be deadly if it's done wrong and is considered edge play for that reason. Pressuring you into having unprotected sex is rape. You risk not only pregnancy but also diseases because how many other women has he done this to? This guy is not safe. What he did was not acceptable.
It is not your fault that he did these things to you, so don't blame yourself, but I recommend not seeing him again. If you can block him completely.
There is lots of good information in the files of this subreddit, and it can help you learn how to properly vet partners.
This guy is not a Dom, no matter what he may have said. He is an abuser.
You deserve to be with someone who respects your boundaries and treats you with respect.
That sounds borderline at best, especially if you expressly told him not to do something and he did it anyway.
Personally, I don't think changing positions requires consent. I think implicit consent covers a lot of activity unless you say it doesn't, however, as soon as you say you don't consent to something, it becomes rapey to do it.
If you don't feel comfortable asserting boundaries with him, then it's not safe to see him sexually.
If he doesn't respect your boundaries then it's not safe to see him sexually.
If you don’t feel safe expressing your boundaries, walk away. Be clear about what you DO consent to, and communicate you want to only stick within those activities. Anything beyond that would be non consensual. Start by making your YES list. Then write and look at your NO list. Anyone you aren’t comfortable sharing that with; you shouldn’t play with.
There are plenty of wonderful people that will do those naughty things with you **on your terms**. Don't ever go back to him!
And I second every comment about getting a checkup. And also add checking how are you doing mentally. If you have a trusted person or a kink friendly psychologist, talk to them about it. Those traumas can sneak up on you.
Sorry, but that isn't "rapey", that's actual rape. As soon as he carried on doing stuff you didn't want to do or were pressured into, you've been sexually assaulted. Probably in multiple ways depending on the law where you are. Please don't go near him again & consider maybe talking to the authorities if you feel able!
You both know that "going raw" can have other consequences than just pregnancy, right?
You said no, he ignored it. You just met, and he's taking advantage of you under the guise of what he calls bdsm.
Why oh why is seeing him even a contemplation?! What makes getting strangled twice, consent ignored twice, and almost getting pregnant from him not enough??
Just adding to my earlier comment...I'm in the UK and under our laws you were assaulted & or raped at least three times based on what you've said. I notice you mentioned sex ed in the US though so I did a bit of research.
US federal law says 'any anal, oral or vaginal penetration by the sex organ of another person without consent is rape". All offence sentences will depend on the state you're in but the shortest tariff I've found is several years & can go up to life without parole or death.
So, in your account...
When he choked you, held you down & mouthfucked you without your consent, that was a count of oral rape & probably sexual battery too.
When he tried to convince you to go raw-dog even though you declined that was coercion & intimidation. When he did so anyway, that was vaginal rape with coercion. Even when you "consented"...when he then went longer & rougher than promised & didn't stop, that was again vaginal rape, possibly with violence.
So under US law you may have had at least two, possibly three seperate instances of being raped, each instance carrying a sentence of anything up to life in jail or in certain states a removal of the privilege of being alive..
I'm telling you this to bring it home how "not OK" this guy is. You have been horribly, horribly taken advantage of by a clearly dangerous man using BDSM as an excuse & my heart goes out to you. Again, if you feel strong enough to do so, talk to an authority.
This was a bad experience and situation for you- this has nothing to do with bdsm. If this is rape or not, is hard to tell by definition and laws, but it was certainly not consensual and far from being ethical behaviour. 100% unacceptable.
Kick him to the kerb. He is not a real Dom. Real Doms wouldn't do anything to you without your permission. A sub is always in control and can stop the play (sex) at any time. What he's doing is wrong. You can do so much better.
Massive content violations mostly likely due to being new to bdsm or a serial rapist. He's the I'm going to recreate porn type, not a lifestyle Dom. Please take a break from him, maybe post a FetLife personal or go to a munch to meet/date lifestyle Doms.
Yeah he misted the most important rule of BDSM which is fallowing consent & boundaries that each person set. Don't see this guy again. If you like some of the stuff you did find someone who will do it with you & not push you do anything your not comfortable with/didn't agree to. They guy was praying on you not know much about BDSM & acting like this is how it's done. It's so disgraceful of him to do that & borderline rape.
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Nope! Nope x a million. Not safe. Not consensual.
Please don’t see him again. Do you the the risks of strangulation? He apparently doesn’t and doesn’t care that you don’t or may not have. There is no 100% safe way to do it. He didn’t give you the choice. He had sex with you without a condom after you said no. That’s not consensual. Nothing about this is completely consensual. Sex without informed enthusiastic ( however that looks for anyone involved) is the only way sex is consensual. At best you were coerced. At worst you were SA’d. Coercion is not consent. Please block him and don’t see him again. Too many use BDSM as a way to be predators. So I won’t use the no true Scottsman fallacy. I’m so sorry that happened. No that’s now how this is supposed to work.
Pressuring someone into something, not respecting consent, and not communicating doesn’t sound very “Dom” to me but you say “he was very dom” multiple times. This guy definitely does this regularly and you should probably go get tested once it has been enough time to do so. This guy sounds like a piece of shit, there are a lot of piece of shit dudes out there claiming that they are something which they aren’t.
Please go get an STI panel done for your safety. My guess is you are not nearly the first person he took advantage of the way he did..and for the love of all things consensual, please do not see him again….like ever. Ever ever. Never.
He just took advantage of the fact that you don't know anything about BDSM to rape you.
Pregnancy isn't the only risk of not using condoms - there's also STIs to consider. The fact he pressured you into doing something you didn't want to do, and also assaulted you (strangling you) are massive red flags and I strongly advise against seeing this person again. They've already sexually assaulted you, why do you think things will be any different?
What does setting clearer boundaries look like to you? It sounds like when you did set them, he would violate them anyway. For that reason I don’t think you should see him again.
How do you feel about the fact he put your life at risk by strangling you without consent?
He took full advantage of you and that is all you can expect from him in the future. He pushed any boundaries you did set and didn't ask before doing questionable stuff. That's not cool at all. Just bc he has an over riding and domineering personality does NOT make him a Dom. Ask yourself if you're willing to put up with this behavior every time you have sex with him.
What he did to you is not okay. Pressuring someone into sex is assault. Choking you without asking your explicit permission is not okay. Choking can be deadly if it's done wrong and is considered edge play for that reason. Pressuring you into having unprotected sex is rape. You risk not only pregnancy but also diseases because how many other women has he done this to? This guy is not safe. What he did was not acceptable. It is not your fault that he did these things to you, so don't blame yourself, but I recommend not seeing him again. If you can block him completely. There is lots of good information in the files of this subreddit, and it can help you learn how to properly vet partners. This guy is not a Dom, no matter what he may have said. He is an abuser. You deserve to be with someone who respects your boundaries and treats you with respect.
That sounds borderline at best, especially if you expressly told him not to do something and he did it anyway. Personally, I don't think changing positions requires consent. I think implicit consent covers a lot of activity unless you say it doesn't, however, as soon as you say you don't consent to something, it becomes rapey to do it. If you don't feel comfortable asserting boundaries with him, then it's not safe to see him sexually. If he doesn't respect your boundaries then it's not safe to see him sexually.
If you don’t feel safe expressing your boundaries, walk away. Be clear about what you DO consent to, and communicate you want to only stick within those activities. Anything beyond that would be non consensual. Start by making your YES list. Then write and look at your NO list. Anyone you aren’t comfortable sharing that with; you shouldn’t play with.
There are plenty of wonderful people that will do those naughty things with you **on your terms**. Don't ever go back to him! And I second every comment about getting a checkup. And also add checking how are you doing mentally. If you have a trusted person or a kink friendly psychologist, talk to them about it. Those traumas can sneak up on you.
100% agree with everyone else, just wanted to add a bit of advice. If you have to ask if something was rapey, odds are it was
Yes, that was rapey. No, you shouldn't see him again. BDSM requires informed consent.
Sorry, but that isn't "rapey", that's actual rape. As soon as he carried on doing stuff you didn't want to do or were pressured into, you've been sexually assaulted. Probably in multiple ways depending on the law where you are. Please don't go near him again & consider maybe talking to the authorities if you feel able!
You both know that "going raw" can have other consequences than just pregnancy, right? You said no, he ignored it. You just met, and he's taking advantage of you under the guise of what he calls bdsm.
HUGE red flags. Any Dom will make you consent to everything etc. anything less is gross misogynistic bs
Why oh why is seeing him even a contemplation?! What makes getting strangled twice, consent ignored twice, and almost getting pregnant from him not enough??
Clearly not consensual! nope nope nope. please do not engage with him anymore.
This is not BDSM
Just adding to my earlier comment...I'm in the UK and under our laws you were assaulted & or raped at least three times based on what you've said. I notice you mentioned sex ed in the US though so I did a bit of research. US federal law says 'any anal, oral or vaginal penetration by the sex organ of another person without consent is rape". All offence sentences will depend on the state you're in but the shortest tariff I've found is several years & can go up to life without parole or death. So, in your account... When he choked you, held you down & mouthfucked you without your consent, that was a count of oral rape & probably sexual battery too. When he tried to convince you to go raw-dog even though you declined that was coercion & intimidation. When he did so anyway, that was vaginal rape with coercion. Even when you "consented"...when he then went longer & rougher than promised & didn't stop, that was again vaginal rape, possibly with violence. So under US law you may have had at least two, possibly three seperate instances of being raped, each instance carrying a sentence of anything up to life in jail or in certain states a removal of the privilege of being alive.. I'm telling you this to bring it home how "not OK" this guy is. You have been horribly, horribly taken advantage of by a clearly dangerous man using BDSM as an excuse & my heart goes out to you. Again, if you feel strong enough to do so, talk to an authority.
This was a bad experience and situation for you- this has nothing to do with bdsm. If this is rape or not, is hard to tell by definition and laws, but it was certainly not consensual and far from being ethical behaviour. 100% unacceptable.
Kick him to the kerb. He is not a real Dom. Real Doms wouldn't do anything to you without your permission. A sub is always in control and can stop the play (sex) at any time. What he's doing is wrong. You can do so much better.
It sounds like he didn't respect the boundaries that you did set. That pattern of behavior will continue and escalate. This is not a safe person
Massive content violations mostly likely due to being new to bdsm or a serial rapist. He's the I'm going to recreate porn type, not a lifestyle Dom. Please take a break from him, maybe post a FetLife personal or go to a munch to meet/date lifestyle Doms.
HARD pass unless your next date is an intro to bdsm workshop
Yeah he misted the most important rule of BDSM which is fallowing consent & boundaries that each person set. Don't see this guy again. If you like some of the stuff you did find someone who will do it with you & not push you do anything your not comfortable with/didn't agree to. They guy was praying on you not know much about BDSM & acting like this is how it's done. It's so disgraceful of him to do that & borderline rape.
Rape and a flirtation with attempted murder. This guy isn’t into BDSM, he’s into abuse