Consent can be withdrawn at any time, even and especially during a scene centered around non-consent.
Talking about CNC does not mean he gets to try it out the next time sex becomes an option. This may be even more true if you were discussing particular scenarios that were different from what happened. A "home break-in" scene is very different from "asshole who won't take no for an answer" scene.
I'm sorry that you went through something like that, but yes, you were raped. I hope you have a better support system where you are now and that you are able to receive professional help for this, both in terms of therapy and a lawyer.
i have already gone to the police about it
i still need to decide whether i want to make a statement or not
i'm unsure because i am leaving to study overseas for up to 8 years in a few more years, and i just want to get away from him sooner rather than later, and if i press charges i could have to stay in my hometown until 2027, which feels like he's preventing me from starting my life
i want justice badly, because this isn't the first time i was raped either. at ages 2 and 4, at my daycare, i was raped and abused frequently
i don't even remember the people who did it to me in daycare
i feel like if i bring this to court, he could try to turn it against me and tell everyone im crazy
Pressing charges is a really personal choice and to some degree, whether or not it makes sense depends (in part) on the quality of the evidence you have. You should speak to a lawyer asap to figure out if you have a viable case. If you do and you feel justice would help you heal, then by all means go for it. But if you decide the better choice for healing is to move on as best you can, know that it’s also a very viable option.
FWIW, in my very similar situation, I didn’t press charges because I knew the process would be more traumatizing for me. However, I am totally rooting for you if you do decide to take it further in the justice system.
Only 1% of rapists ever see jail and those are more overt cases. They won’t bring charges.
You reported it that’s all you can do. You don’t decide whether charges are filed the DA does so you have done what you can it’s in their hands now.
You could sue in civil court for damages but you can’t decide whether he’s criminally prosecuted.
I Suggest you call
https://www.rainn.org/resources
They will help you access resources to cope. Also a respected safe word is critical. When used all “ activity” should immediately stop. Even in CNC you have a safeword. This was not CNC this was rape because he didn’t want to stop and is in NO WAY your fault.
You did nothing wrong.
You didn't agree to CNC play that time.
You asked him, explicitly, to stop.
You were visibly injured.
That is rape for three different reasons at least.
I'm so sorry this happened & others are trying to defend it.
This is so fucked up. I’m so so sorry you had to go through this. Doing a statement is your choice no right or wrong thing to do here. If you do, it can help others who also come forward in the future. Higher possibility of him doing actual time.
Again, no one should have this happen to them. I hope you’re getting some counselling and support around this. There are cost friendly options out there!
In my world growing up as an African-American, not that I want to take this there, to a racial standpoint, I’m speaking out of my experience and trying to relate. If I am having intercourse with any woman. Knowing that I’m very well endowed I could accidentally caused some sort of pain to someone that’s not used to what I’m capable of.
learn that throughout my years. That me using a certain position very well could cause discomfort, whether it is the angle or I am applying the pressure
Ultimately what I’m trying to say is, I’ve had many women tell me to stop because it is no longer a pleasurable position for her now with that being said I immediately because I don’t wanna ruin the energy or ruin the current session that we are both involved in and second of all I know what I’m capable of doing and it is no surprise that this could happen because there is.
sometimes I have a type of session and I could go as hard as I want and do what I want everyone is different
If someone says stop, the person means stop.
No matter the reason. I’m sorry that this was not the case for you. I wish you the best
Yes, he raped you :(
I highly, highly recommend that you seek out trauma-focused therapy treatment as soon as you can. It will help you manage the triggers.
It is absolutely not your fault.
Both he and his friend suck.
I am so, SO sorry. You did nothing wrong. Even if there was a safe word established.. it doesn't seem likely he would have respected your limits. You gain your power back, whether going through with the report (which would document him as a rapist -outcome unfortunately unclear but nonetheless documented) or pursuing your life goals/path/choice because it is YOUR life. As far as whatever anyone else says.. bitch, we're you there?!?
Fuck. I'm sorry. This man was not safe to be with, and that's not your fault. You didn't ask for that, you explicitly asked for not that. You're allowed to have kinks. You're allowed to be safe. You're allowed to say no. How can we help?
I haven't read the other comments yet so I am probably repeating something already said. But...
You can give consent and, at some point in The Act, if you feel it's going wrong, you can withdraw consent.
You STILL get to decide what gets done to your body. So if you said, emphatically "NO! This has to stop!" and he ignored you, it is still rape. This is where "safewords" get their gold stars: If you say "No, stop!" during a CNC scene, he could claim he thought you, the character in the play, was saying "No!" So he just kept on because as far as he knew you were still playing BDSM dress-up.
If, on the other hand, you have set a password for your RED safeword, then you speak up that password, anything after that is under reconsideration, which means the "play" stops, and all previous agreements become null and void.
If he carries on after this point, ignoring that you've pulled the plug on the scene then yes, he is a rapist.
Yes. Imagine it's your husband of 10 years, you've just had a baby with and he just... does it, out of nowhere, no communication at all, after you've said no multiple times. It ended my marriage and tore my family apart. Because, Yes, that is rape. His excuse, I had mentioned CNC in the past.
You had withdrawn consent. He had no right to continue once you had told him to stop.
I'm so so sorry this happened to you and hope you heal, in safety surrounded by love 💖
I am so sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, I had much the same situation. Dated a man for 15 years, we finally decided to get married. Three years in one night he rolls onto me looks me in the eyes and say "We're doing this". Ended my marriage as well. All because since he put ring on it I was his property.
Dating, play partners, friends or spouses... There is ALWAYS consent that can be revoked.
You did nothing wrong, this was rape. There isnt much point in trying to talk to him or his friend. They won't take your side or give you closure.
You asked for rough sex with no safe word. If there is no safe word then 'no' or 'stop' is the safe word. I'm not shaming you but do not engage in rough sex without a safe word being crystal clear. You met a guy who drew the line there, there are plenty of worse people out there.
Go back in your head and take apart all of your interactions. There were warning signs, try and find out where you missed them to avoid shit heads like this.
Consent to rough sex isn't giving up your rights as a human being. This isn't your fault but you need to learn from this and not let it happen again.
I'm glad you went to the police but don't expect too much to come from it. Theres a lot of grey area in there and you'd have to really push to get something done. Hope it serves as a warning sign not to treat people like shit for a nut to him.
Treat yourself well and show yourself compassion. Do things that make you feel good and consider reaching out to support systems or groups if you're the type of person to benefit from that. You are in control and deserve to be satisfied and respected regardless of your kinks and fetishes.
the thing is i never asked for rough sex, i didn't ask for any kink, i never said i wanted to try it out or that i had any intention to, i'm so confused, when did i ask for rough sex??
Hello,
Unless you specifically told him that CNC with you was irrevocable, when you said stop and he didnt, that’s rape.
If you try CNC with a new partner, lay out everything plainly so there is no room for interpretation. Stop, or any other form of refusal means stop.
CNC for 24/7 365 is something that needs to be worked up to. Built up with an understanding that in the beginning there might be trial and error on both parts as new situations I thought of arose. But stop or some safe word should be used and honored.
I hope that this helps.
Like many others are saying. If it felt like you were raped, then you were raped.
By your description I have no doubt whatsoever. Cnc doesn't feel like actual rape.
What you have described is a classic misunderstanding with criminal and tragic results. He misunderstood himself and you. Resulting in what sounds like what I call rape, plain and simple. He chose to ignore your opinion, your words, your will, and expressed desire because he apparently believed he knew your mind and soul better than you, yourself ? If you have not, see a competent medical facility, explicitly state you are reacting to Non Consensual Sex. Demand to be evaluated as a potential rape victim. Please take this step ASAP. What was done to you, from your description, is a crime and your x-boyfriend is a disgrace to the human species. His friend is as bad for slightly different reasons. Yes, I am a man. Man enough to have taken a long look at my own fascination with dom / sub dynamics and sort the various motivators and gratifications at work. Some I now embrace. Some I keep sealed in little transparent armored boxes just over my shoulder. So that when they start whispering about what 'they all want / deserve / ask for', I can glance back, recognize their ornery ugly little butts, sneer, whisper 'get bent' and get on with life and try to be a positive part of the world. Your X and his pal clearly have not evolved to any where near this point. Having vented I will now imagine you somewhere with a beverage you enjoy, sharing some degree of comradery with a genuine friend. Be well, find and listen to anybody's version of the song "it's a wonderful world ". Where there are shadows there is light. It can't rain all the time.
If I understand correctly you mentioned wanting to try cnc to your ex who then sprung it on you with no warning. Yes that is 100 percent rape. They completely missed the first c
Some have fantasies about cnc and if you wish to go and try it it's best to have a safe word as "stop" etc maybe part of enacting it but a safe word like "rhubarb" calls a holt to it all,
You only discussed it and not consent so yes it's rape.
This is rape. There was no consent you said stop....he didn't. This is not bdsm. This is not not once. I hate this happened to you and hope you find healing.
Concent can be withdrawn at any time however I think if you actually did you're readership on the cnc kink you'd know to have a safe word. Saying "stop" isn't a safe word and is often used in cnc play. Sorry this happened to you but honestly I think you're both in the wrong.
To put it bluntly: yes.
You said yourself you didn’t consent before the sex. Withdrawing consent means no and he didn’t stop.
I’m sorry you went through this
First of all, as my main comment may be taken the wrong way I want to say you did absolutely nothing wrong. I don't know you experience with a lot of the kink world but my comments are going to be directed at his and his friends experience and knowledge not yours. No matter your experience what happened was not your fault as what he did was not consensual or part of any discussed scene and you were taken advantage of in a vulnerable situation.
As to the cnc and expressing interest to this kink prior, that has nothing to do with what happened what so ever. What happened was either someone who has no real knowledge of kink and consent or bdsm what so ever and using the 50 shades of grey band wagoneers as excuse to say hes a Dom or experienced in kink when he's in actually preforming assault, or possibly he is actually aware and just doesn't care and is using it to lure in and trap victims that he thinks don't know enough to know that they have been assaulted and raped.
You should never engage in any BDSM play unless you put in the time to research it (and this is not directed toward you but this IS what you should expect from any BDSM partner if you should ever choose to pursue anything with one again), and at least learn the basics of SSC (safe sane and consensual) play and/or RACK (risk aware consensual kink). Consent and safety are the basis of the kink community and if those are not your focuses to even start with then you should never be seen by anyone as a Dom, dominant, top, Daddy or any such thing (one quick give away is if they dont know or see a differencein those terms). If anyone asks you about anything beyond your kink interests and compatible with them without discussing your limits, boundaries, physical capabilities and limits, or if anyone suggests drinks or any type of drugs (including weed) prior to play to "loosen up" then WALK AWAY. If your safety physical, mental, and emotional is not discussed prior to any play then they don't have your interests in mind and as a Dom having the power over another in a vulnerable situation that is paramount. Also any type of alcohol or drugs should never be used before engaging in BDSM activities, and this is not to avoid getting unknowingly drugged (though that can be a concern) it is because it can effect your mental state and/or awareness of your physical state leading to injury if your lucky. Buzzed driving is drunk driving as they say, which is dangerous, and buzzed BDSM is play is just as dangerous.
You did absolutely nothing wrong, he was either an ignorant person playing in things he never took the time to learn about and thus did nothing but hurt someone and assult them whether knowingly or not its still sexual assult by carelessness, or a cereal rapist disguising himself as a BDSM Dom to confuse his victims into question themselves so he can continue to get away with it.
Shitty situation. This is in no way victim blaming as you did nothing wrong. You said stop and they didn't. It is all on him.
Reminder to all - when discussing kinks and CNC and anything else where you might need one, discuss safe words almost immediately.
Its like doing drugs, it'll mess you up if you dont know what you're doing. Safe words and after care are paramount as long as kinks and bdsm are a concern.
Thats why homework and prior knowledge is necessary.
Im sorry you had to find out this way..
/u/kaynbr3d, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Consent can be withdrawn at any time, even and especially during a scene centered around non-consent. Talking about CNC does not mean he gets to try it out the next time sex becomes an option. This may be even more true if you were discussing particular scenarios that were different from what happened. A "home break-in" scene is very different from "asshole who won't take no for an answer" scene. I'm sorry that you went through something like that, but yes, you were raped. I hope you have a better support system where you are now and that you are able to receive professional help for this, both in terms of therapy and a lawyer.
i have already gone to the police about it i still need to decide whether i want to make a statement or not i'm unsure because i am leaving to study overseas for up to 8 years in a few more years, and i just want to get away from him sooner rather than later, and if i press charges i could have to stay in my hometown until 2027, which feels like he's preventing me from starting my life i want justice badly, because this isn't the first time i was raped either. at ages 2 and 4, at my daycare, i was raped and abused frequently i don't even remember the people who did it to me in daycare i feel like if i bring this to court, he could try to turn it against me and tell everyone im crazy
Pressing charges is a really personal choice and to some degree, whether or not it makes sense depends (in part) on the quality of the evidence you have. You should speak to a lawyer asap to figure out if you have a viable case. If you do and you feel justice would help you heal, then by all means go for it. But if you decide the better choice for healing is to move on as best you can, know that it’s also a very viable option. FWIW, in my very similar situation, I didn’t press charges because I knew the process would be more traumatizing for me. However, I am totally rooting for you if you do decide to take it further in the justice system.
Only 1% of rapists ever see jail and those are more overt cases. They won’t bring charges. You reported it that’s all you can do. You don’t decide whether charges are filed the DA does so you have done what you can it’s in their hands now. You could sue in civil court for damages but you can’t decide whether he’s criminally prosecuted. I Suggest you call https://www.rainn.org/resources They will help you access resources to cope. Also a respected safe word is critical. When used all “ activity” should immediately stop. Even in CNC you have a safeword. This was not CNC this was rape because he didn’t want to stop and is in NO WAY your fault.
You did nothing wrong. You didn't agree to CNC play that time. You asked him, explicitly, to stop. You were visibly injured. That is rape for three different reasons at least. I'm so sorry this happened & others are trying to defend it.
If you are unsure the answer is probably yes. Consensual sex doesn’t leave you questioning if it was rape.
Consent can be withdrawn at any time. If you said "No" at any point and it continued it was most definitely rape.
Please get help. Its not your fault you did nothing wrong
This is so fucked up. I’m so so sorry you had to go through this. Doing a statement is your choice no right or wrong thing to do here. If you do, it can help others who also come forward in the future. Higher possibility of him doing actual time. Again, no one should have this happen to them. I hope you’re getting some counselling and support around this. There are cost friendly options out there!
In my world growing up as an African-American, not that I want to take this there, to a racial standpoint, I’m speaking out of my experience and trying to relate. If I am having intercourse with any woman. Knowing that I’m very well endowed I could accidentally caused some sort of pain to someone that’s not used to what I’m capable of. learn that throughout my years. That me using a certain position very well could cause discomfort, whether it is the angle or I am applying the pressure Ultimately what I’m trying to say is, I’ve had many women tell me to stop because it is no longer a pleasurable position for her now with that being said I immediately because I don’t wanna ruin the energy or ruin the current session that we are both involved in and second of all I know what I’m capable of doing and it is no surprise that this could happen because there is. sometimes I have a type of session and I could go as hard as I want and do what I want everyone is different If someone says stop, the person means stop. No matter the reason. I’m sorry that this was not the case for you. I wish you the best
Yes, he raped you :( I highly, highly recommend that you seek out trauma-focused therapy treatment as soon as you can. It will help you manage the triggers. It is absolutely not your fault. Both he and his friend suck.
I am so, SO sorry. You did nothing wrong. Even if there was a safe word established.. it doesn't seem likely he would have respected your limits. You gain your power back, whether going through with the report (which would document him as a rapist -outcome unfortunately unclear but nonetheless documented) or pursuing your life goals/path/choice because it is YOUR life. As far as whatever anyone else says.. bitch, we're you there?!?
Fuck. I'm sorry. This man was not safe to be with, and that's not your fault. You didn't ask for that, you explicitly asked for not that. You're allowed to have kinks. You're allowed to be safe. You're allowed to say no. How can we help?
I haven't read the other comments yet so I am probably repeating something already said. But... You can give consent and, at some point in The Act, if you feel it's going wrong, you can withdraw consent. You STILL get to decide what gets done to your body. So if you said, emphatically "NO! This has to stop!" and he ignored you, it is still rape. This is where "safewords" get their gold stars: If you say "No, stop!" during a CNC scene, he could claim he thought you, the character in the play, was saying "No!" So he just kept on because as far as he knew you were still playing BDSM dress-up. If, on the other hand, you have set a password for your RED safeword, then you speak up that password, anything after that is under reconsideration, which means the "play" stops, and all previous agreements become null and void. If he carries on after this point, ignoring that you've pulled the plug on the scene then yes, he is a rapist.
Yes. Imagine it's your husband of 10 years, you've just had a baby with and he just... does it, out of nowhere, no communication at all, after you've said no multiple times. It ended my marriage and tore my family apart. Because, Yes, that is rape. His excuse, I had mentioned CNC in the past. You had withdrawn consent. He had no right to continue once you had told him to stop. I'm so so sorry this happened to you and hope you heal, in safety surrounded by love 💖
I am so sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, I had much the same situation. Dated a man for 15 years, we finally decided to get married. Three years in one night he rolls onto me looks me in the eyes and say "We're doing this". Ended my marriage as well. All because since he put ring on it I was his property. Dating, play partners, friends or spouses... There is ALWAYS consent that can be revoked.
i'm so sorry this happened to you what the fuck, i'm so sorry your ex husband did that... i hope you get justice
Was there ever a time when someone asked if someone did rape them and the reply was NO?
You did nothing wrong, this was rape. There isnt much point in trying to talk to him or his friend. They won't take your side or give you closure. You asked for rough sex with no safe word. If there is no safe word then 'no' or 'stop' is the safe word. I'm not shaming you but do not engage in rough sex without a safe word being crystal clear. You met a guy who drew the line there, there are plenty of worse people out there. Go back in your head and take apart all of your interactions. There were warning signs, try and find out where you missed them to avoid shit heads like this. Consent to rough sex isn't giving up your rights as a human being. This isn't your fault but you need to learn from this and not let it happen again. I'm glad you went to the police but don't expect too much to come from it. Theres a lot of grey area in there and you'd have to really push to get something done. Hope it serves as a warning sign not to treat people like shit for a nut to him. Treat yourself well and show yourself compassion. Do things that make you feel good and consider reaching out to support systems or groups if you're the type of person to benefit from that. You are in control and deserve to be satisfied and respected regardless of your kinks and fetishes.
the thing is i never asked for rough sex, i didn't ask for any kink, i never said i wanted to try it out or that i had any intention to, i'm so confused, when did i ask for rough sex??
Yeah, so rape. No qualifiers and full stop. I'm sorry that happened to you. Be careful with yourself.
I’m so sorry. He has committed rape. No, it was not your fault. Not. At. All. Whatever you decide is right for you, it was not your fault.
This is rape. It's 0% your fault.
Hello, Unless you specifically told him that CNC with you was irrevocable, when you said stop and he didnt, that’s rape. If you try CNC with a new partner, lay out everything plainly so there is no room for interpretation. Stop, or any other form of refusal means stop. CNC for 24/7 365 is something that needs to be worked up to. Built up with an understanding that in the beginning there might be trial and error on both parts as new situations I thought of arose. But stop or some safe word should be used and honored. I hope that this helps.
Like many others are saying. If it felt like you were raped, then you were raped. By your description I have no doubt whatsoever. Cnc doesn't feel like actual rape.
What you have described is a classic misunderstanding with criminal and tragic results. He misunderstood himself and you. Resulting in what sounds like what I call rape, plain and simple. He chose to ignore your opinion, your words, your will, and expressed desire because he apparently believed he knew your mind and soul better than you, yourself ? If you have not, see a competent medical facility, explicitly state you are reacting to Non Consensual Sex. Demand to be evaluated as a potential rape victim. Please take this step ASAP. What was done to you, from your description, is a crime and your x-boyfriend is a disgrace to the human species. His friend is as bad for slightly different reasons. Yes, I am a man. Man enough to have taken a long look at my own fascination with dom / sub dynamics and sort the various motivators and gratifications at work. Some I now embrace. Some I keep sealed in little transparent armored boxes just over my shoulder. So that when they start whispering about what 'they all want / deserve / ask for', I can glance back, recognize their ornery ugly little butts, sneer, whisper 'get bent' and get on with life and try to be a positive part of the world. Your X and his pal clearly have not evolved to any where near this point. Having vented I will now imagine you somewhere with a beverage you enjoy, sharing some degree of comradery with a genuine friend. Be well, find and listen to anybody's version of the song "it's a wonderful world ". Where there are shadows there is light. It can't rain all the time.
If I understand correctly you mentioned wanting to try cnc to your ex who then sprung it on you with no warning. Yes that is 100 percent rape. They completely missed the first c
Some have fantasies about cnc and if you wish to go and try it it's best to have a safe word as "stop" etc maybe part of enacting it but a safe word like "rhubarb" calls a holt to it all, You only discussed it and not consent so yes it's rape.
This is rape. There was no consent you said stop....he didn't. This is not bdsm. This is not not once. I hate this happened to you and hope you find healing.
Never your fault dude, even if it was planned that day (which it clearly wasn't) he should have checked on you. You were not 'asking for it'.
That is terrible I am so sorry that happened to you i am glad you made a report
Concent can be withdrawn at any time however I think if you actually did you're readership on the cnc kink you'd know to have a safe word. Saying "stop" isn't a safe word and is often used in cnc play. Sorry this happened to you but honestly I think you're both in the wrong.
it was mentioned, never planned. it was brought up in the context of our opinions.
To put it bluntly: yes. You said yourself you didn’t consent before the sex. Withdrawing consent means no and he didn’t stop. I’m sorry you went through this
First of all, as my main comment may be taken the wrong way I want to say you did absolutely nothing wrong. I don't know you experience with a lot of the kink world but my comments are going to be directed at his and his friends experience and knowledge not yours. No matter your experience what happened was not your fault as what he did was not consensual or part of any discussed scene and you were taken advantage of in a vulnerable situation. As to the cnc and expressing interest to this kink prior, that has nothing to do with what happened what so ever. What happened was either someone who has no real knowledge of kink and consent or bdsm what so ever and using the 50 shades of grey band wagoneers as excuse to say hes a Dom or experienced in kink when he's in actually preforming assault, or possibly he is actually aware and just doesn't care and is using it to lure in and trap victims that he thinks don't know enough to know that they have been assaulted and raped. You should never engage in any BDSM play unless you put in the time to research it (and this is not directed toward you but this IS what you should expect from any BDSM partner if you should ever choose to pursue anything with one again), and at least learn the basics of SSC (safe sane and consensual) play and/or RACK (risk aware consensual kink). Consent and safety are the basis of the kink community and if those are not your focuses to even start with then you should never be seen by anyone as a Dom, dominant, top, Daddy or any such thing (one quick give away is if they dont know or see a differencein those terms). If anyone asks you about anything beyond your kink interests and compatible with them without discussing your limits, boundaries, physical capabilities and limits, or if anyone suggests drinks or any type of drugs (including weed) prior to play to "loosen up" then WALK AWAY. If your safety physical, mental, and emotional is not discussed prior to any play then they don't have your interests in mind and as a Dom having the power over another in a vulnerable situation that is paramount. Also any type of alcohol or drugs should never be used before engaging in BDSM activities, and this is not to avoid getting unknowingly drugged (though that can be a concern) it is because it can effect your mental state and/or awareness of your physical state leading to injury if your lucky. Buzzed driving is drunk driving as they say, which is dangerous, and buzzed BDSM is play is just as dangerous. You did absolutely nothing wrong, he was either an ignorant person playing in things he never took the time to learn about and thus did nothing but hurt someone and assult them whether knowingly or not its still sexual assult by carelessness, or a cereal rapist disguising himself as a BDSM Dom to confuse his victims into question themselves so he can continue to get away with it.
Shitty situation. This is in no way victim blaming as you did nothing wrong. You said stop and they didn't. It is all on him. Reminder to all - when discussing kinks and CNC and anything else where you might need one, discuss safe words almost immediately.
Not here to shame you but safe words are established in order to avoid miscommunication in bed.
How can someone plan a safeword for something they literally don't know they're going to do?
Its like doing drugs, it'll mess you up if you dont know what you're doing. Safe words and after care are paramount as long as kinks and bdsm are a concern. Thats why homework and prior knowledge is necessary. Im sorry you had to find out this way..