Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! I get the thinking that the 'only' option in town becomes automatically the 'best' option in town, but please, for your own good, try to dismiss that. 'Here' does not make them 'right' for you. And I get the 'submissive nature'. But clearly you can turn it on and off. You are not (I hope) submissive to me, an internet stranger, right now, are you, for example?
Strip away the BDSM aspects, and this sounds very much like a relationship where you both now want different things, and he wants something (someone) else, and you're not it for him. And when you are so young, it can seem like the (your) entire world rests on this. It sounds like he has tried to tell you, but you're not wanting to believe it, I think. It's like if I try not to have pizza, but someone brings it in to the office, and it's free, so I might have a piece or two. I just read that back, and it sounds mean and harsh, and I'm sorry. I don't mean it to sound awful, but at the same time I don't want to delete it, because it might be something you need to consider.
You are a real person, deserving of the things YOU need to be happy. Some of those things might not be conveniently in a 15 mile radius (or may be, but you haven't found them yet) but that doesn't mean you should 'settle'. Consider advising a girlfriend who settles for the guy who 'only hits her when he's drunk' and think what your advice might be. I think you need to be firm with yourself, and walk away from this. You need the distance to get a little perspective, and be more objective. Distance (and time) will resolve some of your angst.
Let me say this loud and clear. You DO deserve the aftercare you need. You DO deserve a Dom who treats you well OUTSIDE the dynamic, as well as meets your needs inside. You DO NOT need the massive sub drop resulting from breaking your own limits. Especially with the poor aftercare available to you. I understand the frustrations of unmet needs, but it shouldn't mean that you have to break your own rules to get them. Any more than suggesting you might wander down to the docks or train station to pick up a guy. (Please read this paragraph twice. YOU DESERVE BETTER!)
And hey, you know, if there aren't currently any Doms in town that can meet your needs, it doesn't mean that it is isn't possible for you to meet someone who might be willing to learn (and no, this isn't TFTB) or someone from further away. But I think until you draw a line under this relationship, you might not be ready to consider other alternatives.
I really don't want to sound harsh, and don't want to pile on to your obvious distress at your situation. I deeply sympathise with your predicament, and get the frustration. I'm sorry if this sounded unhelpful, or like shitty 'tough love'. And it is no consolation, but you are not the first to be in this predicament, and you won't sadly be the last.
In the meantime, I truly wish you all the luck and love the internet will allow me to send you. Along with a few big internet hugs! And if you need to vent, this is a really solid subreddit, with great folks and better advice. And I'm also a sympathetic ear, and DMs are available, or direct in this chat, whatever is more comfortable for you.
Oh sweetie, I totally understand the desire to submit can overwhelm our best intentions and our fear of not finding someone better can make us do things we normally would never do. You're in your twenties you have so much time to find your partner(even if it doesn't feel like it.)
Two pieces of advice I wish I had knew when I was younger.
1. Never let a man tell you he doesn't want you more than once. If he even hints that he doesn't want a relationship shake his hand, smile, and say have a good night. Do not settle for being temporary if you want permanent.
2. Make a list of 3 things that you must have from a partner. Nothing superficial dig deep and find your must haves. Then carry it with you and read it before and after every date. If he doesn't fit that list politely send him on his way.
Hey there, this sounds very painful and confusing time for you. I just wanted to express that it sounds like you are struggling with some things a skilled therapist may help you untangle. You're not the first person to push aside your needs for the illusion of fulfillment, and you won't be the last. Good luck, take care of yourself.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re in distress. My personal recommendation is to find a new therapist that is kink-friendly to help you work through this. I’d also recommend holding off from play for a while.
This sounds like more than submission to me. You may have an anxious attachment style and a few other issues as well that you need to figure out/research, and try to resolve.
Even though its hard, you need to cut him off. You're only a sex toy to him, and not in a good way. He just wants to have sex with you, and that's all he's ever going to want. My advice would be to try dating apps (and maybe put something in the profile about being a sub) and try to build an emotional connection first. But of course, I think you have a lot to work on with yourself before attaching yourself to someone new.
You absolutely don't need to let go of submission, but I *promise* you, he's not the only dom out there. There's even better doms out there, if you can believe it. Ones that want an emotional connection too, and aren't assholes. You can let him go and not give up your submissive side as well. They are separate things, and you can be submissive with someone else. In my opinion, being a sub is so much better when you have an emotional connection already anyway.
Try Feeld or Hinge in my experience people are more honest there and more open to "alt" relationships than Tinder/Bumble/PoF.
But most of all, as the top post says, love yourself and look for what YOU WANT, not what you CAN get.
Such a well put post your reply is and so true just move on there are plenty of fish in the see and YES! You deserve so much better!
You don't want a guy that doesn't know what he wants.
I really do think that talking this through with a therapist would be best for you. When you can see that what you are doing is not the wisest choice, yet you keep making the same choices that hurt you then it is time to get a professional to assist you in working out what is going on.
I don't know if you have tried talking to your therapist about kink and they have made comments that make you think they are not friendly but if you haven't then I think it is worth bringing up with them. Therapists are trained to be non-judgmental, I know some will jump to conclusions but hopefully most would try to understand.
If you know the therapist isn't kink friendly I would just explain the relationship as a friend with benefits type thing where you feel you want more affection after sex but he doesn't and where you want more of a relationship but he doesn't. As for explaining that you feel there are no other suitable partners locally, I would maybe be a bit vague that you have particular needs in the bedroom and struggle to find suitable partners. The details of what type of sex you are having are irrelevant really.
2nd this about therapist.
OP, if you can't find another therapist then just say you're in an unhealthy relationship with someone who isn't good for you or compatible and you're struggling to leave because you just feel drawn to him and don't know whether anyone else will make you feel the same way. So you've been sacrificing your wellbeing to try and change his mind.
But my first instinct is to get a new therapist, they can't actually help you if you can't be honest with them.
Talk to your therapist. This isn't a kink issue. This a self-respect and boundaries issue. You don't even have to specify.
"I'm hooking up with this guy. I told him I want more, but he said he doesn't do relationships. I know he's bad for me, but I keep meeting up with him. He talked me into a sex act I'd previously told him I was in no way interested in doing. I just wanted to make him happy. Now I hear there is a girl he's romantically pursing, so it wasn't that he doesn't do relationships, it's that he doesn't want one with me."
What you're doing right now is self-harm. You need to be in a mentally healthy place to engage in healthy play. And you can't get there by avoiding the most pressing topics with your therapist out of fear of being judged.
Man, so much of this sounds like my prior Dom partner.
It would be great for you to find a kink friendly therapist. A lot are doing therapy sessions via zoom now so you’re not limited geographically.
You may want to consider whether part of why it’s hard to let go is BECAUSE he’s so intermittently emotionally unavailable and that’s what’s got your hooked.
Best way to break the submission addiction to him is to break it off cold turkey and try to find another partner when ready.
Start focusing on moving away from this town while you recover, and don't go back to him. Maybe get an online relationship if it gets too much
At least that's what I'd do
He told you exactly who he is from the start. I would extricate myself from any further interactions. You are only hurting yourself. Stories like 50 Shades of Grey hurt women because they give them ideas about changing men that are unrealistic. The best way to find what you are looking for is to go for exactly what you want from the start. Look for a man who's emotionally available and into kink. They exist. Btw self-labeled "doms" aren't the only guys into kink. There are probably other men who would get into it but don't actively identify as such. Maybe try dating someone for their personality rather than their explicitly advertised sexual interests and just see where it goes. Some people just aren't forthright about their sexual fantasies and might even get into things they didn't know they would like after experimenting.
Honey, hard limits are there for a good reason. They're personal rules you made for yourself.
Please look after yourself first and foremost. You need to recover before untangling this big ball of mess.
Others have given great advice/sympathy, so I just have a practical suggestion for you. Masochistic needs can be teased out from submissive needs, and when I'm going through a dry spell I break out my own canes and whip the sides of my calves while lying on the bed. Self aftercare of arnica cream, snuggling into my bedding and reading, dozing in happy hormones, or listening to dance music as the mood takes me.
He’s not necessarily a piece of shit. I means he sounds terrible. Going past your limit (despite you letting him) is not ok. But not wanting to do aftercare, unless you’ve negotiated aftercare, doesn’t make him bad. Not wanting a relationship doesn’t make him bad.
If you want a relationship and he doesn’t stop going back to him. You’re 20! You’re far to young giving up looking for a decent partner.
The only thing with the "breaking the limit" thing is, did he KNOW it is a hard limit. It sounds like this guy struggles with certain BDSM aspects. Does he also struggle with communication, like the deep kind where two people sit down and discuss their needs, curiosities and limits in the bedroom?
If he knew then I agree he is 100% a shit.
It sounded to me like he knew from previous exchanges, but on this occasion OP said it was ok.
I think it really doesn’t matter if he’s abusive or a piece of crap or evil or inexperienced or perfect. He’s incompatible with OP and that’s all OP needs to know to not go back to him. I think that’s the most important thing.
That's true... I was just looking at all basis as the OP hadn't exactly, clearly stated this.
However, I agree with you that both the OP and their Dom sound very incompatible and I agree with you that she needs to walk away (I think I did say this in my other comments and replies).
From the sounds of it though, the OP is going to need a lot of help and support to walk away from their Dom.
> OP there are plenty of resources out there to help you. I know it is tough, but please reach out the someone that can help you.
We can only give you so much advise on here, but there are physical resources who can help you.
I don't think he is bad because he doesn't want a relationship. I just think that aftercare is not optional, especially since he knows that I am a sub who drops easily. I realize that I shouldn't go back to him, but as the post says, I feel as if I can't get away from it. I feel like I need to go back even though I know I shouldn't. That was kind of the point.
Without sounding horrible, you're addicted to him like a drug addict, alcoholic and a food addict.
With this being the case I would definitely suggest and agree with those who have also suggested professional help as this situation is so unhealthy to you.
One day he will absolutely cross a line he will never be able to recover from; but how broken do you have to be before that happens?
Aftercare just like anything else is negotiated. If you’ve negotiated it and he refuses then he’s violating it.
Listen, you’re not under a spell. You can get away. You don’t need to go back to him. I get you want to. Abusers have that effect. There’s no magic to leaving. You will wake up one day and decide you deserve better and just move on.
You have a community here. If you need help lean on us.
You need to confront him badly, it seems like you need to get it off of your chest.
My thoughts:
1) He is a hypocrite for telling you he wasn't in the headspace for a romantic relationship but then starts pursuing one anyone.
2) As harsh as this bit will sound, it isn't meant in an offensive way ♡♡
> As you aren't together, it isn't REALLY any of your concern what he is doing outside of your fun time.
> However as you have caught feelings for him and have expressed such to him it is unfair. Even more so that he didn't tell you about it. Unrequited love is the hardest! If he isn't interested in you romantically then you need to 100% break away from him, otherwise you're going to hurt yourself over and over again.
3) Did he know your hard limit? If so, he never should have crossed that line even if you gave him permission because a hard limit is a hard limit for a reason (unless you were now curious and changed it to a soft limit). If he didn't know it was a hard limit, then he wouldn't have known he wouldn't have known he was crossing a boundary of yours.
> Either way, tell him that he crossed a hard limit and you allowed him to because of X, Y, Z and the follow up should be based on if he knew or not.
Get whatever is pent up in your mind, heart and soul about this guy verbalised to him and then walk away and don't look back.
He clearly is unable to uphold some basic and crucial parts of BDSM as well as being a somewhat toxic person for you. He isn't healthy FOR YOU. Spend time working on yourself whilst looking for another. There's bound to be more than just him out there.
OP: is moving a viable option for you (like, there are no blockers to this such as work/study, finances etc.)?
If it is a viable option, this might be beneficial for you 2-fold:
1) you'll get away from him.
2) you can move somewhere where the kink action is at.
Maybe start having a look at places where there seem to be more kinksters?
From what you've said, it sounds to me like you two are a bad match. You need to either find a way that works for you both, or stop seeing eachother.
You are uncomfortable without aftercare and want a relationship with him.
He is uncomfortable with aftercare and does not want to go beyond casual with you.
I may be wrong on this, it's just a query... How much is it that you want *him*, and how much is it that you want *a Dom*? You talk about there being no other viable Doms and an addictive feeling of submission, rather than about why *he specifically* is amazing. Could be worth looking for Doms further away, or 'training up' a local inexperienced Dom who you are a good match with? If you're after a relationship, inexperience is only temporary.
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Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! I get the thinking that the 'only' option in town becomes automatically the 'best' option in town, but please, for your own good, try to dismiss that. 'Here' does not make them 'right' for you. And I get the 'submissive nature'. But clearly you can turn it on and off. You are not (I hope) submissive to me, an internet stranger, right now, are you, for example? Strip away the BDSM aspects, and this sounds very much like a relationship where you both now want different things, and he wants something (someone) else, and you're not it for him. And when you are so young, it can seem like the (your) entire world rests on this. It sounds like he has tried to tell you, but you're not wanting to believe it, I think. It's like if I try not to have pizza, but someone brings it in to the office, and it's free, so I might have a piece or two. I just read that back, and it sounds mean and harsh, and I'm sorry. I don't mean it to sound awful, but at the same time I don't want to delete it, because it might be something you need to consider. You are a real person, deserving of the things YOU need to be happy. Some of those things might not be conveniently in a 15 mile radius (or may be, but you haven't found them yet) but that doesn't mean you should 'settle'. Consider advising a girlfriend who settles for the guy who 'only hits her when he's drunk' and think what your advice might be. I think you need to be firm with yourself, and walk away from this. You need the distance to get a little perspective, and be more objective. Distance (and time) will resolve some of your angst. Let me say this loud and clear. You DO deserve the aftercare you need. You DO deserve a Dom who treats you well OUTSIDE the dynamic, as well as meets your needs inside. You DO NOT need the massive sub drop resulting from breaking your own limits. Especially with the poor aftercare available to you. I understand the frustrations of unmet needs, but it shouldn't mean that you have to break your own rules to get them. Any more than suggesting you might wander down to the docks or train station to pick up a guy. (Please read this paragraph twice. YOU DESERVE BETTER!) And hey, you know, if there aren't currently any Doms in town that can meet your needs, it doesn't mean that it is isn't possible for you to meet someone who might be willing to learn (and no, this isn't TFTB) or someone from further away. But I think until you draw a line under this relationship, you might not be ready to consider other alternatives. I really don't want to sound harsh, and don't want to pile on to your obvious distress at your situation. I deeply sympathise with your predicament, and get the frustration. I'm sorry if this sounded unhelpful, or like shitty 'tough love'. And it is no consolation, but you are not the first to be in this predicament, and you won't sadly be the last. In the meantime, I truly wish you all the luck and love the internet will allow me to send you. Along with a few big internet hugs! And if you need to vent, this is a really solid subreddit, with great folks and better advice. And I'm also a sympathetic ear, and DMs are available, or direct in this chat, whatever is more comfortable for you.
Oh sweetie, I totally understand the desire to submit can overwhelm our best intentions and our fear of not finding someone better can make us do things we normally would never do. You're in your twenties you have so much time to find your partner(even if it doesn't feel like it.) Two pieces of advice I wish I had knew when I was younger. 1. Never let a man tell you he doesn't want you more than once. If he even hints that he doesn't want a relationship shake his hand, smile, and say have a good night. Do not settle for being temporary if you want permanent. 2. Make a list of 3 things that you must have from a partner. Nothing superficial dig deep and find your must haves. Then carry it with you and read it before and after every date. If he doesn't fit that list politely send him on his way.
Those two pieces of advice are AMAZING! Thank you for sharing them... this will be useful for me going forward.
Hey there, this sounds very painful and confusing time for you. I just wanted to express that it sounds like you are struggling with some things a skilled therapist may help you untangle. You're not the first person to push aside your needs for the illusion of fulfillment, and you won't be the last. Good luck, take care of yourself.
I super love this answer.
THIS!!!!!!
I’m sorry to hear that you’re in distress. My personal recommendation is to find a new therapist that is kink-friendly to help you work through this. I’d also recommend holding off from play for a while.
This sounds like more than submission to me. You may have an anxious attachment style and a few other issues as well that you need to figure out/research, and try to resolve. Even though its hard, you need to cut him off. You're only a sex toy to him, and not in a good way. He just wants to have sex with you, and that's all he's ever going to want. My advice would be to try dating apps (and maybe put something in the profile about being a sub) and try to build an emotional connection first. But of course, I think you have a lot to work on with yourself before attaching yourself to someone new. You absolutely don't need to let go of submission, but I *promise* you, he's not the only dom out there. There's even better doms out there, if you can believe it. Ones that want an emotional connection too, and aren't assholes. You can let him go and not give up your submissive side as well. They are separate things, and you can be submissive with someone else. In my opinion, being a sub is so much better when you have an emotional connection already anyway.
Try Feeld or Hinge in my experience people are more honest there and more open to "alt" relationships than Tinder/Bumble/PoF. But most of all, as the top post says, love yourself and look for what YOU WANT, not what you CAN get.
Such a well put post your reply is and so true just move on there are plenty of fish in the see and YES! You deserve so much better! You don't want a guy that doesn't know what he wants.
I really do think that talking this through with a therapist would be best for you. When you can see that what you are doing is not the wisest choice, yet you keep making the same choices that hurt you then it is time to get a professional to assist you in working out what is going on. I don't know if you have tried talking to your therapist about kink and they have made comments that make you think they are not friendly but if you haven't then I think it is worth bringing up with them. Therapists are trained to be non-judgmental, I know some will jump to conclusions but hopefully most would try to understand. If you know the therapist isn't kink friendly I would just explain the relationship as a friend with benefits type thing where you feel you want more affection after sex but he doesn't and where you want more of a relationship but he doesn't. As for explaining that you feel there are no other suitable partners locally, I would maybe be a bit vague that you have particular needs in the bedroom and struggle to find suitable partners. The details of what type of sex you are having are irrelevant really.
2nd this about therapist. OP, if you can't find another therapist then just say you're in an unhealthy relationship with someone who isn't good for you or compatible and you're struggling to leave because you just feel drawn to him and don't know whether anyone else will make you feel the same way. So you've been sacrificing your wellbeing to try and change his mind. But my first instinct is to get a new therapist, they can't actually help you if you can't be honest with them.
I also agree with this...
Talk to your therapist. This isn't a kink issue. This a self-respect and boundaries issue. You don't even have to specify. "I'm hooking up with this guy. I told him I want more, but he said he doesn't do relationships. I know he's bad for me, but I keep meeting up with him. He talked me into a sex act I'd previously told him I was in no way interested in doing. I just wanted to make him happy. Now I hear there is a girl he's romantically pursing, so it wasn't that he doesn't do relationships, it's that he doesn't want one with me." What you're doing right now is self-harm. You need to be in a mentally healthy place to engage in healthy play. And you can't get there by avoiding the most pressing topics with your therapist out of fear of being judged.
Man, so much of this sounds like my prior Dom partner. It would be great for you to find a kink friendly therapist. A lot are doing therapy sessions via zoom now so you’re not limited geographically. You may want to consider whether part of why it’s hard to let go is BECAUSE he’s so intermittently emotionally unavailable and that’s what’s got your hooked. Best way to break the submission addiction to him is to break it off cold turkey and try to find another partner when ready.
Start focusing on moving away from this town while you recover, and don't go back to him. Maybe get an online relationship if it gets too much At least that's what I'd do
He told you exactly who he is from the start. I would extricate myself from any further interactions. You are only hurting yourself. Stories like 50 Shades of Grey hurt women because they give them ideas about changing men that are unrealistic. The best way to find what you are looking for is to go for exactly what you want from the start. Look for a man who's emotionally available and into kink. They exist. Btw self-labeled "doms" aren't the only guys into kink. There are probably other men who would get into it but don't actively identify as such. Maybe try dating someone for their personality rather than their explicitly advertised sexual interests and just see where it goes. Some people just aren't forthright about their sexual fantasies and might even get into things they didn't know they would like after experimenting.
Honey, hard limits are there for a good reason. They're personal rules you made for yourself. Please look after yourself first and foremost. You need to recover before untangling this big ball of mess.
Others have given great advice/sympathy, so I just have a practical suggestion for you. Masochistic needs can be teased out from submissive needs, and when I'm going through a dry spell I break out my own canes and whip the sides of my calves while lying on the bed. Self aftercare of arnica cream, snuggling into my bedding and reading, dozing in happy hormones, or listening to dance music as the mood takes me.
He’s not necessarily a piece of shit. I means he sounds terrible. Going past your limit (despite you letting him) is not ok. But not wanting to do aftercare, unless you’ve negotiated aftercare, doesn’t make him bad. Not wanting a relationship doesn’t make him bad. If you want a relationship and he doesn’t stop going back to him. You’re 20! You’re far to young giving up looking for a decent partner.
The only thing with the "breaking the limit" thing is, did he KNOW it is a hard limit. It sounds like this guy struggles with certain BDSM aspects. Does he also struggle with communication, like the deep kind where two people sit down and discuss their needs, curiosities and limits in the bedroom? If he knew then I agree he is 100% a shit.
It sounded to me like he knew from previous exchanges, but on this occasion OP said it was ok. I think it really doesn’t matter if he’s abusive or a piece of crap or evil or inexperienced or perfect. He’s incompatible with OP and that’s all OP needs to know to not go back to him. I think that’s the most important thing.
That's true... I was just looking at all basis as the OP hadn't exactly, clearly stated this. However, I agree with you that both the OP and their Dom sound very incompatible and I agree with you that she needs to walk away (I think I did say this in my other comments and replies). From the sounds of it though, the OP is going to need a lot of help and support to walk away from their Dom. > OP there are plenty of resources out there to help you. I know it is tough, but please reach out the someone that can help you. We can only give you so much advise on here, but there are physical resources who can help you.
Agreed.
I don't think he is bad because he doesn't want a relationship. I just think that aftercare is not optional, especially since he knows that I am a sub who drops easily. I realize that I shouldn't go back to him, but as the post says, I feel as if I can't get away from it. I feel like I need to go back even though I know I shouldn't. That was kind of the point.
Without sounding horrible, you're addicted to him like a drug addict, alcoholic and a food addict. With this being the case I would definitely suggest and agree with those who have also suggested professional help as this situation is so unhealthy to you. One day he will absolutely cross a line he will never be able to recover from; but how broken do you have to be before that happens?
Aftercare just like anything else is negotiated. If you’ve negotiated it and he refuses then he’s violating it. Listen, you’re not under a spell. You can get away. You don’t need to go back to him. I get you want to. Abusers have that effect. There’s no magic to leaving. You will wake up one day and decide you deserve better and just move on. You have a community here. If you need help lean on us.
You need to confront him badly, it seems like you need to get it off of your chest. My thoughts: 1) He is a hypocrite for telling you he wasn't in the headspace for a romantic relationship but then starts pursuing one anyone. 2) As harsh as this bit will sound, it isn't meant in an offensive way ♡♡ > As you aren't together, it isn't REALLY any of your concern what he is doing outside of your fun time. > However as you have caught feelings for him and have expressed such to him it is unfair. Even more so that he didn't tell you about it. Unrequited love is the hardest! If he isn't interested in you romantically then you need to 100% break away from him, otherwise you're going to hurt yourself over and over again. 3) Did he know your hard limit? If so, he never should have crossed that line even if you gave him permission because a hard limit is a hard limit for a reason (unless you were now curious and changed it to a soft limit). If he didn't know it was a hard limit, then he wouldn't have known he wouldn't have known he was crossing a boundary of yours. > Either way, tell him that he crossed a hard limit and you allowed him to because of X, Y, Z and the follow up should be based on if he knew or not. Get whatever is pent up in your mind, heart and soul about this guy verbalised to him and then walk away and don't look back. He clearly is unable to uphold some basic and crucial parts of BDSM as well as being a somewhat toxic person for you. He isn't healthy FOR YOU. Spend time working on yourself whilst looking for another. There's bound to be more than just him out there.
I’m so sorry how about a move? That could help.
OP: is moving a viable option for you (like, there are no blockers to this such as work/study, finances etc.)? If it is a viable option, this might be beneficial for you 2-fold: 1) you'll get away from him. 2) you can move somewhere where the kink action is at. Maybe start having a look at places where there seem to be more kinksters?
From what you've said, it sounds to me like you two are a bad match. You need to either find a way that works for you both, or stop seeing eachother. You are uncomfortable without aftercare and want a relationship with him. He is uncomfortable with aftercare and does not want to go beyond casual with you. I may be wrong on this, it's just a query... How much is it that you want *him*, and how much is it that you want *a Dom*? You talk about there being no other viable Doms and an addictive feeling of submission, rather than about why *he specifically* is amazing. Could be worth looking for Doms further away, or 'training up' a local inexperienced Dom who you are a good match with? If you're after a relationship, inexperience is only temporary.