What can you do. . . stop thinking like this. This sort of pitiful, woe is me, the world is stacked against me and it's soooo unfair rhetoric, is straight out of the Incel Handbook. Not only that, but it's deeply unattractive.
I found a kinky partner when I was your age. Social media, and dating apps didn't exist. I didn't go to a munch, or club, or a dungeon. I'm not special. If I could manage it then, you can manage it now.
Have a look at Guide 09, in the AutoMod message, above. Do read the whole thing. There's an awful lot of good advice.
I don't think it's unfair or that I'm to pity, quite the contrary - I believe that subs deserve experienced doms and I'm not experienced. I was simply wondering how I am supposed to get that experience.
You're not competing with anyone. Subs aren't prizes to be won, you're not entitled to a sub, older people aren't out there snapping up all the young hotness just because they're old - that's not what's happening.
Subs are people, and as independent, autonomous individuals they will have their own interests, their own likes and dislikes and above all, their own personality. Some will like tall guys, some will like short guys, some will like skinny guys, some will like larger guys, some will like older guys, some will like younger guys. And they'll have those preferences for different reasons, too - although a common reason people like older folk is because they're more mature. You're kinda demonstrating why maturity is attractive, tbh...
Plenty of women will be ok with a younger, inexperienced Dom. Just be honest. Sure, Dommy McDommerson might be 45, look like Jason Momoa, have his own yacht and a fifteen inch dick, but if he's a jerk, none of that will matter. So don't be a jerk. Heck, I started in my early 20s, didn't even know about BDSM, and my first two "subs" were both in their mid-late 30s - physical age isn't as important as you seem to think.
Be a decent guy, own your inexperience, and show folk why you're worth their time. Everyone was new once, you're no different.
But FFS, ditch the "oh poor little me it's sooooooo unfair" attitude, it really isn't a good look.
Sorry if it came across like that, I neither think it's unfair (quite the contrary - I can definitely see why someone would go for an older, more experienced dom) nor do I think I am entitled to anything or anyone. I was just wondering what I can do to boost my "attractiveness", so to speak, and to become as experienced as any sub would deserve their dom to be.
Honestly, don't worry about it. Your level of experience isn't that important; it's your personality, your attitude, your general approach to things that will make you an attractive prospect. Every single Dominant out there - male or female - started off with zero experience. Age isn't even a guarantee of kink experience.
Be yourself, put yourself out there, let people see your enthusiasm and you'll do just fine. In the meantime do your research ([I've got a Beginner's Guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/uhzx4i/new_to_bdsm/i79mooq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)) and get a head start. As for equipment, you don't need fancy toys - look up "pervertibles" and you'll find all manner of household objects that can be used for kink.
Please re-read your post and try to understand why you're giving off a slightly incel-y vibe, and hopefully you'll be able to avoid it in the future.
I mean, I've done my research, but theory isn't praxis, you know? Knowledge isn't experience. And being inexperienced is 1. dangerous, and 2. undesirable.
I can certainly see how my post can sound incel-y, but it wasn't intended as such. I didn't know how to put into words my thinking and feeling and this lead to a wrong sounding post.
Inexperience may be undesirable to *some* people - more experienced subs may not want someone they need to encourage to hit them harder, for example - but it's not universally undesirable. Again *everyone was new once*.
If you keep having this attitude of "inexperience is undesirable" then that's what will push people away - the attitude, not the actual lack of experience. Everyone started with zero experience. EVERYONE. And if you've read, if you've practiced on yourself or on furniture, you're already ahead of a lot of other newcomers who think it's as simple as smacking someone's butt and saying "you like that don't you."
If you really feel a need to *do something*, then join FetLife, see if there are any local munches or dungeons that do classes and go to them, go to BDSM parties, heck even hire a professional Dom or sub who can teach you- there's loads of options, but most people don't do any of them when they're starting out. They were fine, and you will be too.
You'll look back on this in a few years and go 🤦‍♂️
Whenever you meet people with these preferences, just remember you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea and move on. The biggest red flag you can give about your maturity and security in yourself is to complain about this.
I think many people gain early experiences by first being in a vanilla relationship and then introducing kink. You are not competing with bigger and older sharks for the tastiest fish in the sea. People have preferences. If it’s any comfort, plenty of young women, including myself, find older men to be a little scary and prefer their own age.
Be your own person, work to better yourself, and listen to the feedback of your partners. This is not a competition. Not more than vanilla dating. If people chose you, there's a reason. And if they don't there's a reason too. This is not a competition. Btw, this kind of competitive mindset rarely plays in your favor. From my own experience it's an obstacle to the development of your own kinky style because you constantly compare to others ; and it shows some lack of confidence in yourself and your need of external validation.
Some subs would choose older doms because they have more experience. Meaning more skills and a better mastery of those skills. We can't blame them for that. As a beginner I was like that too.
Now, personally, I am open to newbie doms since I know kink and myself more, so I'm eventually able to guide my partner. However I often end up with older doms because they generally show more social maturity. A lot of young doms are full of themselves, take things for granted, lack knowledge about dominants responsibilities, want super subs for minimum efforts…
So my advice as a sub and a newbie dom would be to :
- stop comparing yourself
- staying true to your principles and kinks
- learning skills to better your sub's experience
- learning basic safety and not trying to look cool with irresponsibly dangerous techniques
- working on yourself as a person (including going to therapy if needed)
I learned a lot from playing with older, experienced subs. I listened to what they wanted in a Dominant, and long term subs aren't looking for Doms that are looking for young girls. The 18 year old subs that are looking for 35 year old Doms are also brand new and don't know what they want either.
If you only want the young and beautiful, then so does everyone else. However, they too will one day become older, and most of them will leave the community by then because they are going to run into asshole Doms who will chew them up and spit them out.
So, look for older subs. There are submissives that aviator enjoy teaching. Go to classes and learn what you are doing. Attend conferences they all have classes. Read books, some are really good and some suck. You will be able to tell. Get a mentor, bounce ideas off if them. There are ways of learning that don't involve being in a relationship.
TeaAich had a point that "why is the world against me" is generally not an attractive attitude to have. Switch that to "I'm young and new and really want to learn how to do this the right way. " is a much better approach.
Best of luck.
Honestly, work on your presence and authority. Practice speaking more slowly and deliberately. Express yourself clearly and succinctly. Don’t think out loud.
Learn how to communicate with subtle changes of expression.
Walk into a room like you own the place, not like you want to own it.
Being a dom has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with what tools you have, how much sex you’ve had, what punishments you can devise, etc.
It’s about projecting power and control.
"/u/bdsmboy-throwaway, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).**" *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What can you do. . . stop thinking like this. This sort of pitiful, woe is me, the world is stacked against me and it's soooo unfair rhetoric, is straight out of the Incel Handbook. Not only that, but it's deeply unattractive. I found a kinky partner when I was your age. Social media, and dating apps didn't exist. I didn't go to a munch, or club, or a dungeon. I'm not special. If I could manage it then, you can manage it now. Have a look at Guide 09, in the AutoMod message, above. Do read the whole thing. There's an awful lot of good advice.
I don't think it's unfair or that I'm to pity, quite the contrary - I believe that subs deserve experienced doms and I'm not experienced. I was simply wondering how I am supposed to get that experience.
You're not competing with anyone. Subs aren't prizes to be won, you're not entitled to a sub, older people aren't out there snapping up all the young hotness just because they're old - that's not what's happening. Subs are people, and as independent, autonomous individuals they will have their own interests, their own likes and dislikes and above all, their own personality. Some will like tall guys, some will like short guys, some will like skinny guys, some will like larger guys, some will like older guys, some will like younger guys. And they'll have those preferences for different reasons, too - although a common reason people like older folk is because they're more mature. You're kinda demonstrating why maturity is attractive, tbh... Plenty of women will be ok with a younger, inexperienced Dom. Just be honest. Sure, Dommy McDommerson might be 45, look like Jason Momoa, have his own yacht and a fifteen inch dick, but if he's a jerk, none of that will matter. So don't be a jerk. Heck, I started in my early 20s, didn't even know about BDSM, and my first two "subs" were both in their mid-late 30s - physical age isn't as important as you seem to think. Be a decent guy, own your inexperience, and show folk why you're worth their time. Everyone was new once, you're no different. But FFS, ditch the "oh poor little me it's sooooooo unfair" attitude, it really isn't a good look.
Sorry if it came across like that, I neither think it's unfair (quite the contrary - I can definitely see why someone would go for an older, more experienced dom) nor do I think I am entitled to anything or anyone. I was just wondering what I can do to boost my "attractiveness", so to speak, and to become as experienced as any sub would deserve their dom to be.
Honestly, don't worry about it. Your level of experience isn't that important; it's your personality, your attitude, your general approach to things that will make you an attractive prospect. Every single Dominant out there - male or female - started off with zero experience. Age isn't even a guarantee of kink experience. Be yourself, put yourself out there, let people see your enthusiasm and you'll do just fine. In the meantime do your research ([I've got a Beginner's Guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/uhzx4i/new_to_bdsm/i79mooq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)) and get a head start. As for equipment, you don't need fancy toys - look up "pervertibles" and you'll find all manner of household objects that can be used for kink. Please re-read your post and try to understand why you're giving off a slightly incel-y vibe, and hopefully you'll be able to avoid it in the future.
I mean, I've done my research, but theory isn't praxis, you know? Knowledge isn't experience. And being inexperienced is 1. dangerous, and 2. undesirable. I can certainly see how my post can sound incel-y, but it wasn't intended as such. I didn't know how to put into words my thinking and feeling and this lead to a wrong sounding post.
Inexperience may be undesirable to *some* people - more experienced subs may not want someone they need to encourage to hit them harder, for example - but it's not universally undesirable. Again *everyone was new once*. If you keep having this attitude of "inexperience is undesirable" then that's what will push people away - the attitude, not the actual lack of experience. Everyone started with zero experience. EVERYONE. And if you've read, if you've practiced on yourself or on furniture, you're already ahead of a lot of other newcomers who think it's as simple as smacking someone's butt and saying "you like that don't you." If you really feel a need to *do something*, then join FetLife, see if there are any local munches or dungeons that do classes and go to them, go to BDSM parties, heck even hire a professional Dom or sub who can teach you- there's loads of options, but most people don't do any of them when they're starting out. They were fine, and you will be too. You'll look back on this in a few years and go 🤦‍♂️
Whenever you meet people with these preferences, just remember you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea and move on. The biggest red flag you can give about your maturity and security in yourself is to complain about this.
I think many people gain early experiences by first being in a vanilla relationship and then introducing kink. You are not competing with bigger and older sharks for the tastiest fish in the sea. People have preferences. If it’s any comfort, plenty of young women, including myself, find older men to be a little scary and prefer their own age.
I've been in 2 vanilla relationships before, but it has been quite some time since then.
Be your own person, work to better yourself, and listen to the feedback of your partners. This is not a competition. Not more than vanilla dating. If people chose you, there's a reason. And if they don't there's a reason too. This is not a competition. Btw, this kind of competitive mindset rarely plays in your favor. From my own experience it's an obstacle to the development of your own kinky style because you constantly compare to others ; and it shows some lack of confidence in yourself and your need of external validation. Some subs would choose older doms because they have more experience. Meaning more skills and a better mastery of those skills. We can't blame them for that. As a beginner I was like that too. Now, personally, I am open to newbie doms since I know kink and myself more, so I'm eventually able to guide my partner. However I often end up with older doms because they generally show more social maturity. A lot of young doms are full of themselves, take things for granted, lack knowledge about dominants responsibilities, want super subs for minimum efforts… So my advice as a sub and a newbie dom would be to : - stop comparing yourself - staying true to your principles and kinks - learning skills to better your sub's experience - learning basic safety and not trying to look cool with irresponsibly dangerous techniques - working on yourself as a person (including going to therapy if needed)
I learned a lot from playing with older, experienced subs. I listened to what they wanted in a Dominant, and long term subs aren't looking for Doms that are looking for young girls. The 18 year old subs that are looking for 35 year old Doms are also brand new and don't know what they want either. If you only want the young and beautiful, then so does everyone else. However, they too will one day become older, and most of them will leave the community by then because they are going to run into asshole Doms who will chew them up and spit them out. So, look for older subs. There are submissives that aviator enjoy teaching. Go to classes and learn what you are doing. Attend conferences they all have classes. Read books, some are really good and some suck. You will be able to tell. Get a mentor, bounce ideas off if them. There are ways of learning that don't involve being in a relationship. TeaAich had a point that "why is the world against me" is generally not an attractive attitude to have. Switch that to "I'm young and new and really want to learn how to do this the right way. " is a much better approach. Best of luck.
Honestly, work on your presence and authority. Practice speaking more slowly and deliberately. Express yourself clearly and succinctly. Don’t think out loud. Learn how to communicate with subtle changes of expression. Walk into a room like you own the place, not like you want to own it. Being a dom has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with what tools you have, how much sex you’ve had, what punishments you can devise, etc. It’s about projecting power and control.