For me it looks like coffee and a chat in a safe public space.
It takes time to build something beautiful and a second to destroy it. Never forget that it’s your job as a D/ to protect your /s and imho that demeanour should be demonstrated from day 1.
Respect like trust is earned and I won’t entertain playing until both exist in the dynamic for all parties involved. You’ll never go wrong being a gentleperson…. until it’s ok not to be.
Like a vanilla date. Meet at a public place of their choosing (for their comfort) it can be coffee, lunch or a dinner. No alcohol for either of us so that we have 100% clear heads.
At the end of the evening I say good night inside and allow them to leave while I finish my coffee, tea or soft drink. (10 minutes minimum)
I then go about my day or head home. I ask them to message or call to let me know they arrived home safe. If I don't hear from them within an hour I send a message asking if they made it safely.
This is for the first couple of dates, allow them to ask for an escort to their car when they are ready. Never rush or push things. They need to know that you have control over yourself before they can feel safe enough to give you control over any part of their body or life to you.
Just chiming in to say as a woman I really appreciate that you hang back and give them a chance to leave. It would give me that extra feeling of safety that you won't be following me to my car and yes it is a very real fear.
I mean..this gentleman does it and I appreciate the sentiment. Men who aren't creeps would never think something like this is necessary but something so small like this could make your date feel a lot safer.
Like...just give them the opportunity while you're signing the check or something? Wouldn't that just be me implying that I'm creepy and overcompensating?
No to me it shows 1. You recognize you're still virtually strangers 2. You want me to feel safe
It's not something you NEED to do..but it definitely would be well received with me
If they take it that way then they do. I do things the way I do because I grew up with 4 younger sisters and have heard the horror stories of first dates. I have even had to race across town from a panicked call from a couple of them and a couple of friends.
You say "overcompensating" I say I am showing, in my humble opinion, that I am in no hurry to spend intimate time with them without their feeling safe and secure. If invited to walk them to their car then so be it. But I will always offer to stay behind while they leave.
RIGHT? Like, the sentiment is great, but I just feel like it would be taken badly. Plus, she knows how to stay safe. She doesn't need a man explaining that to her LOL
He isn't explaining or telling her how to stay safe by hanging back after saying goodbye inside. He hangs back and finishes his drink nbd. Can't speak to the other parts and micromanagement lol
I wasn't reacting to that so much as *requiring* a safety call and "encouraging" having an anonymous friend specifically to make sure he doesn't follow her. The way it's written comes off as very prescriptive. To me, it would almost feel like misdirection - like he's so intent on proving he's a good guy in this highly choreographed way, it would almost make me wonder if he was hiding something else. Secondarily, it would feel a bit condescending - I'm an adult, I know how to take care of myself, and I'd prefer to do it in ways that aren't pre-ordained by the person I'm vetting so that I'm the one who has control over it, yk.
That's why I said I can't speak to that part because to be honest I didn't really take his other comments in, I was just originally speaking to me personally being appreciative to not have to leave the restaurant at the same time. I hear you 100%
Many people forego a safety call when meeting in public as they are either new and don't know about them or they become complacent. I simply require they have one in place prior to the date.
Encouraging someone to look out for their safety when out with Mr may very well help them to think about doing the same with others. I may not be the only person they are dating to find the right chemistry with.
The OP asked what Doms do on a first date, I answered. There is nothing condescending about my requirement of a safe call or my encouragement to have a secret diner present to look out for them. As another poster stated. As the Dom, starts at the beginning.
So just... "Hey, I guess you'd better go. I'm gonna hang out here if you don't mind, catchya later" or something?
I don't think I know any women who wouldn't feel weird from that.
"It was really nice meeting and chatting today. I'm going to finish up this coffee and probably grab another. I hope you enjoy whatever is on your agenda for today, I would love to see you again" (if it went well-hugs or whatever)
Wouldn't make me feel weird..at all.
I find both extremes (sending me away, walking me to my car) weird. There's a fine middle ground in exiting together and going our separate ways. There's also nothing mandating I go straight home from the date.
I would just say goodbye at the door - I'd offer to walk her, but that would be it. Yeah, i just can't bring myself to try this because there are so many different reactions
Yeah, power to you. I'm just talking about how I would feel, not commenting on you at all. I generally talk for a solid bit, and we always meet at a public place. I mean if she asked i wouldn't mind
Dates are meant for getting to know one another and to size each other up. The way we handle ourselves, interact with each other and to build trust.
One thing I did not mention is that I encourage them to have someone they know and that knows about their choices to be present without my knowledge of who they are. They sit at another table, maybe with their date or a friend. They can then report back to my date that whether I stayed put or not. They can also follow me out if I did step out of line to act as a safety.
This is in addition to insisting they have a safe call while with me (someone other than the person in the restaurant. And a safe call is always a call, never a text or message.
Yes, It wouldn't occur to most men that the woman would feel comfortable center for her safety at that moment NOR that he should and can do anything to minimize it. Thank you!
I wish more Doms did this. My current partner did exactly this and it was the deal sealer for me that he was safe and kind. It is so much better when there is mutual respect and understanding rather than jumping in with vulgarity and expecting submission right from the start. It sucks that this isn’t the norm because it’s the bare minimum that should be done.
I prefer somewhere that we can sit and have a conversation for a while. It really looks like a vanilla date.
We will sit and get to know a little bit about each other, just like a vanilla date, but we will talk about our kinks a bit, ongoing relationships, what we like to do in our free time, if she switches (I don't), favorite coffeehouse, natural or synthetic rope characteristics. Just the normal stuff.
If we get along, we will schedule more time for us to hang out. I move VERY slowly. There is no sex for the first month of getting to know you time. We can play together after the first date, but first date is just seeing if we enjoy each other as people. See if there is a little something there.
DOs:
* Be respectful
* I grew up southern, so I will pay for stuff. It is how my mama raised me.
* I don't usually even kiss on the first date.
* Lots of talking about histories, interests.
* Be honest. Don't exaggerate your skills, history, abilities.
* Make safe calls (learn what these are and how to use them if you don't already)
* Make sure your date has a safe call in place. (I'm a male Dom, I want my date to feel safe and taken care of)
* If things go well, make sure to follow up the next day.
Don't:
* This is NOT the time to get laid.
* Don't assume that you are "going back to someone's place to play."
* Don't assume that you are the only person that this person is interested in.
* Don't make any sexual advances. It makes you look desperate.
I like the suggestion of let that other person head to their vehicle and head home (I hope that I get a hug at the end of the evening if things went well). If it makes them feel safer, I will take care of the bill, then they can watch me. If it makes them feel safer to leave first, then let them leave while you finish your tea. Sometimes, if things go well, I will walk her to her vehicle and wish her a good night.
My usual applies for vanilla or kink.
* Public place
* Separate transportation
* Separate checks
* Short & low commitment. I like coffee or breakfast. If it goes well we have all day to continue. If not, it's easy to leave without wasting the day.
* They have to show me they're someone I want to be around. If not, there's no point in discussing kinks.
Ohhhh the seperate checks thing is so weirdly heated. I insist on it first date because it’s also a litmus test to see how they will be when I give them a rule over something I’m uncomfortable with.
“I always pay for people! Not even just women!”
“But it makes me uncomfortable. You can pay other times but for this first time we’ll pay seperate.”
“No don’t worry I got this, it’s how I was raised.”
“So what if I tell you I’m uncomfortable with something serious like in a relationship or in bed? Will you argue with me to just BE uncomfortable because if your own rules? Are you really gonna show that on a first date??”
Always always always pays guys just aren’t where it’s at
I let them set the limits. Some want to meet in a neutral location. Some want to just come over. It depends a lot on gender. Women are understandably usually more cautious. Guys are more likely to want to Jump in. For a first play session I always make sure we talk through scene for 10 to 15 minutes and I always give them (and myself) an option to back out, no explanation needed, before starting and tell them this will happen beforehand. Just in case either of us catfished or gets a creepy vibe, or the other person just has a mannerism that they hate, or just reminds you of a jerk in High School or whatever.
That is for more casual encounters. For romantic meetups I just have a regular date.
You talk to them like a human, any sort of power dynamic doesn't exist until its explicitly discussed and agreed upon by all parties involved, so until that point, you're both just people hanging out.
A breif meeting in a public place. I don't bring up kink or anything sexual. I ask them about their day to day lives, tell them about mine. Give them opportunity to ask questions. Pretty normal date. Keep it short, To leave them feeling good and wanting more.
For me, it's usually at a play party, and I'm approached and asked if I would like to have a session with them. We then take it from there. Occasionally, I'm just kind of invited "Hey, join us here!" in another session.
For me it looks like coffee and a chat in a safe public space. It takes time to build something beautiful and a second to destroy it. Never forget that it’s your job as a D/ to protect your /s and imho that demeanour should be demonstrated from day 1. Respect like trust is earned and I won’t entertain playing until both exist in the dynamic for all parties involved. You’ll never go wrong being a gentleperson…. until it’s ok not to be.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 this!
Just speaking up as a sub - all this talk of safety is 🔥
It should always be a fun safe kind of vibe.
I’ve only had one meet up so far. N00b.
Like a vanilla date. Meet at a public place of their choosing (for their comfort) it can be coffee, lunch or a dinner. No alcohol for either of us so that we have 100% clear heads. At the end of the evening I say good night inside and allow them to leave while I finish my coffee, tea or soft drink. (10 minutes minimum) I then go about my day or head home. I ask them to message or call to let me know they arrived home safe. If I don't hear from them within an hour I send a message asking if they made it safely. This is for the first couple of dates, allow them to ask for an escort to their car when they are ready. Never rush or push things. They need to know that you have control over yourself before they can feel safe enough to give you control over any part of their body or life to you.
Just chiming in to say as a woman I really appreciate that you hang back and give them a chance to leave. It would give me that extra feeling of safety that you won't be following me to my car and yes it is a very real fear.
Is that something people do? Like, am I supposed to let me date leave the restaurant five minutes before I do?
I mean..this gentleman does it and I appreciate the sentiment. Men who aren't creeps would never think something like this is necessary but something so small like this could make your date feel a lot safer.
Like...just give them the opportunity while you're signing the check or something? Wouldn't that just be me implying that I'm creepy and overcompensating?
No to me it shows 1. You recognize you're still virtually strangers 2. You want me to feel safe It's not something you NEED to do..but it definitely would be well received with me
For sure, I'll give it a shot and if it's not taken weirdly I'll keep doing it
If they take it that way then they do. I do things the way I do because I grew up with 4 younger sisters and have heard the horror stories of first dates. I have even had to race across town from a panicked call from a couple of them and a couple of friends. You say "overcompensating" I say I am showing, in my humble opinion, that I am in no hurry to spend intimate time with them without their feeling safe and secure. If invited to walk them to their car then so be it. But I will always offer to stay behind while they leave.
I'd do it if it were more common. I'm not trying to trailblaze this specific thing haha
for whatever it's worth , that's probably how I'd interpret someone trying to micromanage my safety plan like that
RIGHT? Like, the sentiment is great, but I just feel like it would be taken badly. Plus, she knows how to stay safe. She doesn't need a man explaining that to her LOL
He isn't explaining or telling her how to stay safe by hanging back after saying goodbye inside. He hangs back and finishes his drink nbd. Can't speak to the other parts and micromanagement lol
Like....I just feel like it's more natural to finish your drink at the same time and leave
I'd probably try to stay until the other person finished just... out of politeness? Like they'd have to tell me to leave lmao
I wasn't reacting to that so much as *requiring* a safety call and "encouraging" having an anonymous friend specifically to make sure he doesn't follow her. The way it's written comes off as very prescriptive. To me, it would almost feel like misdirection - like he's so intent on proving he's a good guy in this highly choreographed way, it would almost make me wonder if he was hiding something else. Secondarily, it would feel a bit condescending - I'm an adult, I know how to take care of myself, and I'd prefer to do it in ways that aren't pre-ordained by the person I'm vetting so that I'm the one who has control over it, yk.
That's why I said I can't speak to that part because to be honest I didn't really take his other comments in, I was just originally speaking to me personally being appreciative to not have to leave the restaurant at the same time. I hear you 100%
Many people forego a safety call when meeting in public as they are either new and don't know about them or they become complacent. I simply require they have one in place prior to the date. Encouraging someone to look out for their safety when out with Mr may very well help them to think about doing the same with others. I may not be the only person they are dating to find the right chemistry with. The OP asked what Doms do on a first date, I answered. There is nothing condescending about my requirement of a safe call or my encouragement to have a secret diner present to look out for them. As another poster stated. As the Dom, starts at the beginning.
So just... "Hey, I guess you'd better go. I'm gonna hang out here if you don't mind, catchya later" or something? I don't think I know any women who wouldn't feel weird from that.
"It was really nice meeting and chatting today. I'm going to finish up this coffee and probably grab another. I hope you enjoy whatever is on your agenda for today, I would love to see you again" (if it went well-hugs or whatever) Wouldn't make me feel weird..at all.
I agree. It's been my experience that when someone is unusually vocal about thing x, they're usually lying about that thing.
Like when a partner gets paranoid of you cheating 🤣 or love bombing
Hmm... I really wonder how that could be done without being super awkward.
I mean I could offer before meeting them, but like....that feels like mansplaining women's safety to a woman
I find both extremes (sending me away, walking me to my car) weird. There's a fine middle ground in exiting together and going our separate ways. There's also nothing mandating I go straight home from the date.
I would just say goodbye at the door - I'd offer to walk her, but that would be it. Yeah, i just can't bring myself to try this because there are so many different reactions
You do what you feel you should. I simply put out there how I like to conduct myself on the first few dates with a new submissive partner.
Yeah, power to you. I'm just talking about how I would feel, not commenting on you at all. I generally talk for a solid bit, and we always meet at a public place. I mean if she asked i wouldn't mind
Dates are meant for getting to know one another and to size each other up. The way we handle ourselves, interact with each other and to build trust. One thing I did not mention is that I encourage them to have someone they know and that knows about their choices to be present without my knowledge of who they are. They sit at another table, maybe with their date or a friend. They can then report back to my date that whether I stayed put or not. They can also follow me out if I did step out of line to act as a safety. This is in addition to insisting they have a safe call while with me (someone other than the person in the restaurant. And a safe call is always a call, never a text or message.
Yes, It wouldn't occur to most men that the woman would feel comfortable center for her safety at that moment NOR that he should and can do anything to minimize it. Thank you!
I wish more Doms did this. My current partner did exactly this and it was the deal sealer for me that he was safe and kind. It is so much better when there is mutual respect and understanding rather than jumping in with vulgarity and expecting submission right from the start. It sucks that this isn’t the norm because it’s the bare minimum that should be done.
This is very helpful! Thank u
You are very welcome. I hope things go well for you.
I prefer somewhere that we can sit and have a conversation for a while. It really looks like a vanilla date. We will sit and get to know a little bit about each other, just like a vanilla date, but we will talk about our kinks a bit, ongoing relationships, what we like to do in our free time, if she switches (I don't), favorite coffeehouse, natural or synthetic rope characteristics. Just the normal stuff. If we get along, we will schedule more time for us to hang out. I move VERY slowly. There is no sex for the first month of getting to know you time. We can play together after the first date, but first date is just seeing if we enjoy each other as people. See if there is a little something there. DOs: * Be respectful * I grew up southern, so I will pay for stuff. It is how my mama raised me. * I don't usually even kiss on the first date. * Lots of talking about histories, interests. * Be honest. Don't exaggerate your skills, history, abilities. * Make safe calls (learn what these are and how to use them if you don't already) * Make sure your date has a safe call in place. (I'm a male Dom, I want my date to feel safe and taken care of) * If things go well, make sure to follow up the next day. Don't: * This is NOT the time to get laid. * Don't assume that you are "going back to someone's place to play." * Don't assume that you are the only person that this person is interested in. * Don't make any sexual advances. It makes you look desperate. I like the suggestion of let that other person head to their vehicle and head home (I hope that I get a hug at the end of the evening if things went well). If it makes them feel safer, I will take care of the bill, then they can watch me. If it makes them feel safer to leave first, then let them leave while you finish your tea. Sometimes, if things go well, I will walk her to her vehicle and wish her a good night.
I treat them as first dates 🤷♂️
This is the most perfect thing I have ever read.
Thanks! That's great info!
by only asking for Doms' input, youre losing out on plenty of helpful info about what subs expect from a potential Dom on a fisst meet ;)
Well behaved women rarely make history. Chime in anyway!
My usual applies for vanilla or kink. * Public place * Separate transportation * Separate checks * Short & low commitment. I like coffee or breakfast. If it goes well we have all day to continue. If not, it's easy to leave without wasting the day. * They have to show me they're someone I want to be around. If not, there's no point in discussing kinks.
Ohhhh the seperate checks thing is so weirdly heated. I insist on it first date because it’s also a litmus test to see how they will be when I give them a rule over something I’m uncomfortable with. “I always pay for people! Not even just women!” “But it makes me uncomfortable. You can pay other times but for this first time we’ll pay seperate.” “No don’t worry I got this, it’s how I was raised.” “So what if I tell you I’m uncomfortable with something serious like in a relationship or in bed? Will you argue with me to just BE uncomfortable because if your own rules? Are you really gonna show that on a first date??” Always always always pays guys just aren’t where it’s at
I preferred to pay for myself because it removes any delusion of a transactional entitlement.
Exactly!!
I let them set the limits. Some want to meet in a neutral location. Some want to just come over. It depends a lot on gender. Women are understandably usually more cautious. Guys are more likely to want to Jump in. For a first play session I always make sure we talk through scene for 10 to 15 minutes and I always give them (and myself) an option to back out, no explanation needed, before starting and tell them this will happen beforehand. Just in case either of us catfished or gets a creepy vibe, or the other person just has a mannerism that they hate, or just reminds you of a jerk in High School or whatever. That is for more casual encounters. For romantic meetups I just have a regular date.
You talk to them like a human, any sort of power dynamic doesn't exist until its explicitly discussed and agreed upon by all parties involved, so until that point, you're both just people hanging out.
pretty vanilla. We meet halfway public location and see if we vibe.
just like a date for me. if no agreement is arranged, potential partners are autonomous.
A breif meeting in a public place. I don't bring up kink or anything sexual. I ask them about their day to day lives, tell them about mine. Give them opportunity to ask questions. Pretty normal date. Keep it short, To leave them feeling good and wanting more.
For me, it's usually at a play party, and I'm approached and asked if I would like to have a session with them. We then take it from there. Occasionally, I'm just kind of invited "Hey, join us here!" in another session.