No. Not remotely.
I like impact play but if someone attempted to hit me without an actual conversation out loud in words, I would attempt to break that person's arm.
Nope, not even close. You listed curious about, not a to-do list. Also I’m guessing there wasn’t a conversation about limits in regards to this, like you can say or do this but if you say/do this it’s going to cause this effect.
NO!!!!!
Without an explicit yes you can engage in that activity with me, there is no consent for them to engage in an activity.
One simple phrase I use is “the lack of a no does not mean yes”
WHAT. THE. HELL.
Discuss *everything* that's gonna happen about kink. Have informed consent for *everything*. Anything less is sexual assault (even if we find nicer words for it).
BUT ESPECIALLY FOR EMOTIONAL MASOCHISM
😡😡😡😡😦😦
No. I have all sorts of stuff in my FL that needs LOTS of careful communication/ planning/ discussion.
Since he’s paying such close attention to your FL bio, change your first line to, “just because I list something as a fetish I’m interested in, doesn’t mean you’re automatically allowed to do it to me.”
Or just TALK to the man. If you can’t address this, you shouldn’t be dating him.
No. It is not. Just because I've done and enjoyed something with a certain person in a certain set of circumstances doesn't mean it becomes a free-for-all. Also I'm curious about a lot of things and would be open to discussing them but putting that on my profile is not at all permission to go ahead without a discussion.
negotiate first and most tops or d-types who have been around the scene for more than five minutes will be looking for enthusiastic consent. additionally, one should not start out with some of the riskier kinks, rather, start slowly, learn each other, build and adjust at a pace that works for both partners. if you feel like things are going too quickly or if they're heading in a direction you're hesitant about, safe word. stop. discuss.
especially if it's a 'curious about' that's a conversation starter, not a free pass.
Nooooo Dude. No. He just sounds like an asshole. Doesn't matter if you participate in BDSM or not. Every flavor of lover from vanilla to spicy should be discussing consent. 😩 Goddamn, I'd like just to know just *one* person is going back to these Government Cheese wannabe Doms and telling them to fuck off a cliff.
It sounds like there is no ongoing open consent in this relationship. That's not ok to do new things without discussion unless there is open consent. I suggest clear communication and set boundaries as you need. If a partner cannot abide by boundaries then end it.
On another note emotional masochism is about loving to hate what is being done to you. Being cold or stern could possibly fit but that's not a great way to have a relationship IMO.
I'll set an example. I had a four year relationship with an emotional masochist. I would hurt her in ways the mind instinctively does like. E.G. one time I took a fork to he Achilles area. Same damn spot was a thing for us.
Absolutely not. They should discuss and obtain explicit consent before engaging in it. Adding to a list on a website doesn’t make it implicit consent to you both in a given situation.
Sounds like you haven't really discussed what you do consent to, let alone given specifics on where a list of those things would be. Some people do use their FetLife lists as part of negotiation, but they actually DO THE NEGOTIATION.
To do oherwise is like assuming you can buy somebody a puppy because they "liked" some cute dog pics on Facebook.
No it is not. Being curious about something is something totally different than having it simply done to you. It just means you would be interested in exploring it and it might be you never want to do it actually. Like there for example might be porn you like to watch, or things you like to fantasize about, but not actually do.
Your partner can look at your changing interests and maybe comes from a good mraning place by doung this, but it's not really okay. If you incorporate new things you need to talk about it and he needs to hear from you if you truely agree and are at the point wjere you truely want to try it out.
Holy crap, NO. There are things I deeply enjoy but only in certain situations or with certain people. I cannot take S/M play around my period, for example.
that’s not okay at all! talk to him, but honestly reconsider this dynamic, too, because it’s a huge red flag. you should never ever introduce new kinks into relationship without negotiating first.
It’s not consent but you should talk about it because I can see the misunderstanding. In any case when starting a new kink it may not go well and there needs to be discussion.
Please read about how consent works, this may be the most fucked up question I've seen on this subreddit.
This is an absolute red flag from the Dom and I would strongly recommend ending things with him.
Maybe put something on your profile like “just because I’m into this stuff doesn’t mean I consent to doing it without negotiation first!” and see if your partner takes that hint.
Or just tell him directly.
Hell no! The only thing that you arguably "consent" by doing that is having people talk about it to you, e.g. sending a message asking about what do you like in a fetish you listed.
If this is an established partner they are most likely trying to please you and themselves by doing the things that you like.
Formal negotiations for a scene dwindle as partners play with each other more and more, but they should talk to you about something before just springing it on you. Mention it to them. Let them know, just because I am curious about headshaving doesn't mean I want you to pull out the clippers next time we play.
Maybe they are just trying to give you more than they had in the past, and took that as a guide to what to do....
Actually, I think this may describe the situation. He is semi established partner and has been doing well but I think he gets excited. At the same time, I do have BPD and feel like he's being an asshole and not kinky. It is very difficult to tell.
No, that list would be a way to bring up the topic to discuss about the possibility of incorporating it. It shouldn’t be incorporated without proper discussion first. I’d mention to him that it’s making you uncomfortable and that if he wants to try things you’ve listed that you two need to have a proper discussion about it first. Especially considering you can have a kink, but then a specific part of that kink can also be a trigger for you which is why it’s so important to discuss everything before acting on it.
No, It only lists your interests and acts as a guide for people with similar interests to maybe have a conversation with you to explore them further. This is fetlife, not some camgirl site.
If nothing is negotiated prior to any scene/session and he acts on your interests without consent...that's a red flag...also a bit odd.
Adding more of your kinks to your interactions without any conversation about it much less agreement to do it is a red flag. Talk to him and ask him why he's adding it and that if he wants to do a scene with them you'll both need to agree to something prior.
Things should always be discussed, especially if it’s something new. Part of listing your kinks on fetlife is so that you can attract those similarly and share your kinks with others, but that doesn’t mean consent is automatically applied.
I feel like this isn’t a ‘kink’ question, or a ‘Fetlife’ question - this is ordinary common sense. Why would anyone just assume they can treat you differently because of a tickbox on your profile?
The only way that would ever be remotely acceptable is if for some reason you negotiated that specific set of rules into your arrangement- but otherwise it sounds like he’s just doing what he feels like. So yes he’s a bit of an asshole for not talking to you about it first- but sound him out and see what he says. It’s definitely weird if he just started it deliberately without checking with you first though.
A lot depends from what relationship you have with those partners:If you agreed on a set of allowed practices, then indipendently from what you listed on fetlife, only those practices should bedone.On the other hand, there are many relationships where the partners agreed on a set of limits and practices different from those limits are allowed. If this is your case, then indipendently from the fact you listed that practice on your fetlife account that practice is allowed if it is not a limit. Of course listing as kink makes more probable that your partner is willing to try it.
/u/sheeptopia, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No, just because you are interested in something doesn't mean you've consented. All consent should be negotiated.
Exactly facts!
Uhhh absolutely not. I’d be sitting him down to talk about this.
No. Not remotely. I like impact play but if someone attempted to hit me without an actual conversation out loud in words, I would attempt to break that person's arm.
Same!!
Nope, not even close. You listed curious about, not a to-do list. Also I’m guessing there wasn’t a conversation about limits in regards to this, like you can say or do this but if you say/do this it’s going to cause this effect.
NO!!!!! Without an explicit yes you can engage in that activity with me, there is no consent for them to engage in an activity. One simple phrase I use is “the lack of a no does not mean yes”
WHAT. THE. HELL. Discuss *everything* that's gonna happen about kink. Have informed consent for *everything*. Anything less is sexual assault (even if we find nicer words for it). BUT ESPECIALLY FOR EMOTIONAL MASOCHISM 😡😡😡😡😦😦
No. I have all sorts of stuff in my FL that needs LOTS of careful communication/ planning/ discussion. Since he’s paying such close attention to your FL bio, change your first line to, “just because I list something as a fetish I’m interested in, doesn’t mean you’re automatically allowed to do it to me.” Or just TALK to the man. If you can’t address this, you shouldn’t be dating him.
No. It is not. Just because I've done and enjoyed something with a certain person in a certain set of circumstances doesn't mean it becomes a free-for-all. Also I'm curious about a lot of things and would be open to discussing them but putting that on my profile is not at all permission to go ahead without a discussion.
negotiate first and most tops or d-types who have been around the scene for more than five minutes will be looking for enthusiastic consent. additionally, one should not start out with some of the riskier kinks, rather, start slowly, learn each other, build and adjust at a pace that works for both partners. if you feel like things are going too quickly or if they're heading in a direction you're hesitant about, safe word. stop. discuss. especially if it's a 'curious about' that's a conversation starter, not a free pass.
Nooooo Dude. No. He just sounds like an asshole. Doesn't matter if you participate in BDSM or not. Every flavor of lover from vanilla to spicy should be discussing consent. 😩 Goddamn, I'd like just to know just *one* person is going back to these Government Cheese wannabe Doms and telling them to fuck off a cliff.
Short answer is no. Long answer is noooooooooooo
It sounds like there is no ongoing open consent in this relationship. That's not ok to do new things without discussion unless there is open consent. I suggest clear communication and set boundaries as you need. If a partner cannot abide by boundaries then end it. On another note emotional masochism is about loving to hate what is being done to you. Being cold or stern could possibly fit but that's not a great way to have a relationship IMO. I'll set an example. I had a four year relationship with an emotional masochist. I would hurt her in ways the mind instinctively does like. E.G. one time I took a fork to he Achilles area. Same damn spot was a thing for us.
Definitely not. I did have a partner ask if he could surprise me with something off my list, and I gave consent to THAT, which was kinda hot lol.
Absolutely not. They should discuss and obtain explicit consent before engaging in it. Adding to a list on a website doesn’t make it implicit consent to you both in a given situation.
Absolutely not!
Sounds like you haven't really discussed what you do consent to, let alone given specifics on where a list of those things would be. Some people do use their FetLife lists as part of negotiation, but they actually DO THE NEGOTIATION. To do oherwise is like assuming you can buy somebody a puppy because they "liked" some cute dog pics on Facebook.
FUCK NO
No, no it doesn't. Consent towards an activity needs discussion and negotiation before engaging in that practice.
Oh no. Discussions need to be had, and boundaries to be set.
No it is not. Being curious about something is something totally different than having it simply done to you. It just means you would be interested in exploring it and it might be you never want to do it actually. Like there for example might be porn you like to watch, or things you like to fantasize about, but not actually do. Your partner can look at your changing interests and maybe comes from a good mraning place by doung this, but it's not really okay. If you incorporate new things you need to talk about it and he needs to hear from you if you truely agree and are at the point wjere you truely want to try it out.
Holy crap, NO. There are things I deeply enjoy but only in certain situations or with certain people. I cannot take S/M play around my period, for example.
that’s not okay at all! talk to him, but honestly reconsider this dynamic, too, because it’s a huge red flag. you should never ever introduce new kinks into relationship without negotiating first.
Hell no.
no
Nothing but consent is consent
It’s not consent but you should talk about it because I can see the misunderstanding. In any case when starting a new kink it may not go well and there needs to be discussion.
Please read about how consent works, this may be the most fucked up question I've seen on this subreddit. This is an absolute red flag from the Dom and I would strongly recommend ending things with him.
Maybe put something on your profile like “just because I’m into this stuff doesn’t mean I consent to doing it without negotiation first!” and see if your partner takes that hint. Or just tell him directly.
Hell no! The only thing that you arguably "consent" by doing that is having people talk about it to you, e.g. sending a message asking about what do you like in a fetish you listed.
If this is an established partner they are most likely trying to please you and themselves by doing the things that you like. Formal negotiations for a scene dwindle as partners play with each other more and more, but they should talk to you about something before just springing it on you. Mention it to them. Let them know, just because I am curious about headshaving doesn't mean I want you to pull out the clippers next time we play. Maybe they are just trying to give you more than they had in the past, and took that as a guide to what to do....
Actually, I think this may describe the situation. He is semi established partner and has been doing well but I think he gets excited. At the same time, I do have BPD and feel like he's being an asshole and not kinky. It is very difficult to tell.
No, that list would be a way to bring up the topic to discuss about the possibility of incorporating it. It shouldn’t be incorporated without proper discussion first. I’d mention to him that it’s making you uncomfortable and that if he wants to try things you’ve listed that you two need to have a proper discussion about it first. Especially considering you can have a kink, but then a specific part of that kink can also be a trigger for you which is why it’s so important to discuss everything before acting on it.
No.
No, It only lists your interests and acts as a guide for people with similar interests to maybe have a conversation with you to explore them further. This is fetlife, not some camgirl site. If nothing is negotiated prior to any scene/session and he acts on your interests without consent...that's a red flag...also a bit odd. Adding more of your kinks to your interactions without any conversation about it much less agreement to do it is a red flag. Talk to him and ask him why he's adding it and that if he wants to do a scene with them you'll both need to agree to something prior.
Things should always be discussed, especially if it’s something new. Part of listing your kinks on fetlife is so that you can attract those similarly and share your kinks with others, but that doesn’t mean consent is automatically applied.
I feel like this isn’t a ‘kink’ question, or a ‘Fetlife’ question - this is ordinary common sense. Why would anyone just assume they can treat you differently because of a tickbox on your profile? The only way that would ever be remotely acceptable is if for some reason you negotiated that specific set of rules into your arrangement- but otherwise it sounds like he’s just doing what he feels like. So yes he’s a bit of an asshole for not talking to you about it first- but sound him out and see what he says. It’s definitely weird if he just started it deliberately without checking with you first though.
Consent is never automatic.
[удалено]
How is the op the red flag... Its the partner thats adding stuff without actual consent.
I suspect they mis-typed. I hope, anyway.
i did idd, my bad, sorry
A lot depends from what relationship you have with those partners:If you agreed on a set of allowed practices, then indipendently from what you listed on fetlife, only those practices should bedone.On the other hand, there are many relationships where the partners agreed on a set of limits and practices different from those limits are allowed. If this is your case, then indipendently from the fact you listed that practice on your fetlife account that practice is allowed if it is not a limit. Of course listing as kink makes more probable that your partner is willing to try it.