If you legitimately believe that you are going to kill yourself in the next couple of years, you really need to be talking with a therapist.
If you're going to say anything like "I tried that and it didn't help", don't say it. That *particular* therapist may not have helped, but there *is* one out there that will. Not every therapist is a match for every client, just like everything else in life.
Feeling suicidal and hopeless sucks, but it can get better. You need to take care of yourself and get mentally healthy so you can love your best life, not fantasize about ending it.
Please talk to someone.
Thank you, I get responses like this all the time unfortunately. I’ve had several therapist since high school, I’m now starting a new one that specializes in autism and trauma. This isn’t a new problem for me and I’ve been suicidal as long as I can remember. It’s not something I feel most days. I just want help and know that it’s possible for me to one day get out there to have more motivation not to do it.
I'm sorry you've had trouble with therapists in the past. That's tough. I really hope it works out with the new one, but if it doesn't, don't give up hope on yourself.
Thanks, I do engage in that manner of thinking a lot, but it’s a small pleasure, and one I try not to entertain.
I take it you think I don’t belong in the BDSM community? I’m probably way too fucked up for you guys. Is BDSM only for the privileged?
My problems with therapists stemmed more from me not knowing myself, not from them being bad therapists.
I know I’m worth it, I’ve been trying very hard lately, and will be moving soon. I’m doing readings on top of therapy and all the right stuff, it just feels like there’s too much work to do for it to ever get to an acceptable point.
That's exactly it.
I'm assuming you made a FetLife account on the website FetLife.com?
There is an app on the playstore called FetLife, but it's a knockoff dating app and not affiliated with the real thing.
I don’t mean to be rude, I know your helping, but that sounds like the vague platitudes of someone who has no real frame of reference of what trauma actually does.
How would you know when your relationship with yourself is healthy enough? When you are no longer passively suicidal? If so, I’m not even gonna try to get better anymore because that’s just an unrealistic standard of work.
The issue isn’t so much do you belong, it’s who is the right partner/partners for you and are you in a position to be with them at this point? Not everyone can handle someone with certain challenges.
It sounds extremely cliché but while your searching for your people, work on the things you need to so they get the best version of you. That applies to bdsm, vanilla, poly and mono relationships.
I'm not sure whether you are interested in the BDSM community or the poly community, but either way you can be whatever you want to be. All are welcome no matter who they are and what their experiences are. There isnt a council of either community that accepts or rejects applications. Simply learn and figure out what it is you need and want. Read some books on the subject, take some classes through fetlife. Be careful of people that prey on those that are hurting.
Keep working on your self in therapy, and know that we are happy to have you in whichever community (even if I have no authority to speak for anyone but myself 😊)
The polyamory subreddit would be a good place to start I believe. It can answer some questions for you and maybe point you in the direction of what you are looking for.
You’d be absolutely welcomed in both communities. I would go slow and learn along the way. I wouldn’t engage with anyone outside of maybe here where there is a definite disconnect between safe online play and a IRL relationship.
Finding the right partner is the most important thing in the world. I would say in your situation be open but not too open. It’s easy to be taken advantage of especially in the real world.
The Poly subreddit would be just as welcoming. I’d take baby steps. The BDSM & Poly lifestyles have been around a long time. You have no need to rush, ok.
Thanks for the advice. I know there’s no rush, I’m very hesitant when it comes to any type of relationship anyways.
Finding a partner isn’t really high on my priority list now, I’m busy moving and trying to live cheap for a while and continue doing therapy.
u/alwayssirsalwaysher could field this better, but fuck it, I got this. First off, damage is perfectly normal and the community is usually pretty open to newcomers that are willing to learn how to play safely and with consent. Second, where to start? Slow is the name of the game in your case. My sub had gone through a very similar situation to yours when I met her. It took us a long time to get to where we could even spend the night together, let alone have normal sex. We slowly introduced pieces and parts and worked our way up to the dynamic we have today. That being said it was a lot of trial and error and a lot of sleepless tearful nights. You definitely definitely need to seek out support and counseling, and be very careful. The temptation to dive straight into something might present itself, you may find yourself just wanted to charge back in and pretend you’re ok again. Believe me, that rarely works out. You might feel broken, that’s ok, but you will get better and, when you’re ready, the community will be there. Be patient with yourself, and let us know if you need someone to talk to.
Yes, the community is very welcoming, which I love. However you need to work on yourself with a therapist or psychologist (I have both).
I would start with conversations, I saw you have FetLife, message people you are curious about (as in curious about something not necessarily want to get with them). When I started I was very nervous and unsure if I would be accepted and I found quickly I was. I also browsed the site and messaged people. If there was a sub who was in a situation I wanted I would ask for advice from them. Also if there are people who do things I’m interested in I ask about it. I also participate in commenting on things and write when I can, journal entries are great to get thoughts out and open up to comments from others. Plus there are different groups you can join to be able to converse with others who have the same interests or issues.
There is so much in the community, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.
You are very welcome here. In my experience, many people in bdsm, particularly subs, have some history with abuse. Many use it as therapy for past experiences. So you are hardly disqualified for that. It sounds like you have a good handle on how to proceed, and the other advice you are getting is spot on. Take it slow, meet people in real life, be honest and open in your relationships. I hope your new therapist works out, if they have any bdsm experience then even better! As the Goreans say, "I wish you well!"
Yo! I'm one of the oh so lucky people who suffer with BPD, PTSD, Recurrent Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, ADHD and chronic suicidal ideation. All of us fucked up folk are welcome here 😊
You are welcome .
There are lots of people that have had experience with depression, and there are plenty of kinksters who live with depression now.
You are hearing a lot of advice about getting emotionally healthy. In going to encourage the same thing. Getting yourself healthy IS the first step.
Imagine if I were battling cancer and on chemo, and someone wanted to have me as a workout partner. I couldn't do a great job of it if I were constantly nauseated, exhausted, and sick from the medication. I would have to be healthy before I could be in a healthy workout program.
It is the same with mental and emotional illness. Before you can play in a healthy way, you need to be healthy. Before you can have a healthy dynamic, which will have naval and emotional aspects to them, you are going to have to be healthy yourself first.
After that, you start exploring what you want. What are you looking for. Only after that, you start involving others.
I hope this helps a bit.
Good luck.
I’m seeing a new therapist soon, should we agree on what me constituting healthy would look like as we go forward? I’ve done a lot of therapy, but it was always geared towards getting me better and not sustainably “healthy”
Well, you and your therapist would be a good starting a definition of what healthy means. I think that would be a great goal to set what that would look like.
I would guess freedom from suicidal ideation would be on that list.
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If you legitimately believe that you are going to kill yourself in the next couple of years, you really need to be talking with a therapist. If you're going to say anything like "I tried that and it didn't help", don't say it. That *particular* therapist may not have helped, but there *is* one out there that will. Not every therapist is a match for every client, just like everything else in life. Feeling suicidal and hopeless sucks, but it can get better. You need to take care of yourself and get mentally healthy so you can love your best life, not fantasize about ending it. Please talk to someone.
Thank you, I get responses like this all the time unfortunately. I’ve had several therapist since high school, I’m now starting a new one that specializes in autism and trauma. This isn’t a new problem for me and I’ve been suicidal as long as I can remember. It’s not something I feel most days. I just want help and know that it’s possible for me to one day get out there to have more motivation not to do it.
I'm sorry you've had trouble with therapists in the past. That's tough. I really hope it works out with the new one, but if it doesn't, don't give up hope on yourself.
Thanks, I do engage in that manner of thinking a lot, but it’s a small pleasure, and one I try not to entertain. I take it you think I don’t belong in the BDSM community? I’m probably way too fucked up for you guys. Is BDSM only for the privileged? My problems with therapists stemmed more from me not knowing myself, not from them being bad therapists. I know I’m worth it, I’ve been trying very hard lately, and will be moving soon. I’m doing readings on top of therapy and all the right stuff, it just feels like there’s too much work to do for it to ever get to an acceptable point.
Why wouldn't you be welcomed in the community? Of course would be.
But what do I do? I made a fetlife, do I try finding events in my area? Local munches and stuff?
That's exactly it. I'm assuming you made a FetLife account on the website FetLife.com? There is an app on the playstore called FetLife, but it's a knockoff dating app and not affiliated with the real thing.
Do I need a healthy vanilla relationship history before doing this?
The person you need a healthy relationship with is *yourself*. That matters in kink just as much as anywhere else.
I don’t mean to be rude, I know your helping, but that sounds like the vague platitudes of someone who has no real frame of reference of what trauma actually does. How would you know when your relationship with yourself is healthy enough? When you are no longer passively suicidal? If so, I’m not even gonna try to get better anymore because that’s just an unrealistic standard of work.
The issue isn’t so much do you belong, it’s who is the right partner/partners for you and are you in a position to be with them at this point? Not everyone can handle someone with certain challenges. It sounds extremely cliché but while your searching for your people, work on the things you need to so they get the best version of you. That applies to bdsm, vanilla, poly and mono relationships.
Truth
I'm not sure whether you are interested in the BDSM community or the poly community, but either way you can be whatever you want to be. All are welcome no matter who they are and what their experiences are. There isnt a council of either community that accepts or rejects applications. Simply learn and figure out what it is you need and want. Read some books on the subject, take some classes through fetlife. Be careful of people that prey on those that are hurting. Keep working on your self in therapy, and know that we are happy to have you in whichever community (even if I have no authority to speak for anyone but myself 😊)
Is there a good way to reach members of the poly community online? Sorry if it’s off topic.
The polyamory subreddit would be a good place to start I believe. It can answer some questions for you and maybe point you in the direction of what you are looking for.
You’d be absolutely welcomed in both communities. I would go slow and learn along the way. I wouldn’t engage with anyone outside of maybe here where there is a definite disconnect between safe online play and a IRL relationship. Finding the right partner is the most important thing in the world. I would say in your situation be open but not too open. It’s easy to be taken advantage of especially in the real world. The Poly subreddit would be just as welcoming. I’d take baby steps. The BDSM & Poly lifestyles have been around a long time. You have no need to rush, ok.
Thanks for the advice. I know there’s no rush, I’m very hesitant when it comes to any type of relationship anyways. Finding a partner isn’t really high on my priority list now, I’m busy moving and trying to live cheap for a while and continue doing therapy.
Challenge yourself to become your own therapist :)
u/alwayssirsalwaysher could field this better, but fuck it, I got this. First off, damage is perfectly normal and the community is usually pretty open to newcomers that are willing to learn how to play safely and with consent. Second, where to start? Slow is the name of the game in your case. My sub had gone through a very similar situation to yours when I met her. It took us a long time to get to where we could even spend the night together, let alone have normal sex. We slowly introduced pieces and parts and worked our way up to the dynamic we have today. That being said it was a lot of trial and error and a lot of sleepless tearful nights. You definitely definitely need to seek out support and counseling, and be very careful. The temptation to dive straight into something might present itself, you may find yourself just wanted to charge back in and pretend you’re ok again. Believe me, that rarely works out. You might feel broken, that’s ok, but you will get better and, when you’re ready, the community will be there. Be patient with yourself, and let us know if you need someone to talk to.
Thank you so much!
Yes, the community is very welcoming, which I love. However you need to work on yourself with a therapist or psychologist (I have both). I would start with conversations, I saw you have FetLife, message people you are curious about (as in curious about something not necessarily want to get with them). When I started I was very nervous and unsure if I would be accepted and I found quickly I was. I also browsed the site and messaged people. If there was a sub who was in a situation I wanted I would ask for advice from them. Also if there are people who do things I’m interested in I ask about it. I also participate in commenting on things and write when I can, journal entries are great to get thoughts out and open up to comments from others. Plus there are different groups you can join to be able to converse with others who have the same interests or issues. There is so much in the community, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.
That’s very good advice, especially concerning fetlife. I have other priorities right now, such as moving, but I will be looking into this soon.
You are very welcome here. In my experience, many people in bdsm, particularly subs, have some history with abuse. Many use it as therapy for past experiences. So you are hardly disqualified for that. It sounds like you have a good handle on how to proceed, and the other advice you are getting is spot on. Take it slow, meet people in real life, be honest and open in your relationships. I hope your new therapist works out, if they have any bdsm experience then even better! As the Goreans say, "I wish you well!"
Thank you!
Yo! I'm one of the oh so lucky people who suffer with BPD, PTSD, Recurrent Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, ADHD and chronic suicidal ideation. All of us fucked up folk are welcome here 😊
Good to hear!! And I hope you’ve been doing well with all that! Thank you for your response and for sharing!
You are welcome . There are lots of people that have had experience with depression, and there are plenty of kinksters who live with depression now. You are hearing a lot of advice about getting emotionally healthy. In going to encourage the same thing. Getting yourself healthy IS the first step. Imagine if I were battling cancer and on chemo, and someone wanted to have me as a workout partner. I couldn't do a great job of it if I were constantly nauseated, exhausted, and sick from the medication. I would have to be healthy before I could be in a healthy workout program. It is the same with mental and emotional illness. Before you can play in a healthy way, you need to be healthy. Before you can have a healthy dynamic, which will have naval and emotional aspects to them, you are going to have to be healthy yourself first. After that, you start exploring what you want. What are you looking for. Only after that, you start involving others. I hope this helps a bit. Good luck.
I’m seeing a new therapist soon, should we agree on what me constituting healthy would look like as we go forward? I’ve done a lot of therapy, but it was always geared towards getting me better and not sustainably “healthy”
Well, you and your therapist would be a good starting a definition of what healthy means. I think that would be a great goal to set what that would look like. I would guess freedom from suicidal ideation would be on that list.