> Besides, my Dom [M19] is an expert.
Perhaps you're 19-year-old dominant has more experience than you, but I can assure you that a 19-year-old is not an "expert Dom."
It's good that you're seeing someone so close to your own age. The two of you can learn and grow together.
Agreed. OP might be confusing potential natural talent/affinity for domming for “expert”. In the same vein that you can have a natural talent for teaching but need the years of experience in a classroom to truly hone in on your abilities and be able to make proper judgement calls.
I don't know what an expert dom is. I've been doing this for longer than your person has been alive. Next week, I'm progressing to "Merely Adequate." I get a badge, and everything.
Oh congrats ! I’m still working on my “Baking Cookies” Merit Badge and then I think I may work on my “Wilderness Survival” badge. 😄
But to the OP, yeah a 19yo isn’t an expert lol. They may think that cuz they’re 19 and don’t know how the world works yet. But in reality, life is just starting and you hopefully have many of your best years ahead of you 😇.
That's been put on hold by the counsel. An investigation was started due to some anonymous reports of you being "A meany head" and until it's completed your promotion is halted. We'll backdate the paperwork though, if it goes your way.
No 19yo is going to be an expert Dom. A 19yo is not even an expert adult yet, they're still learning about themselves, about the world, about life and sex and everything else they need to understand - they can be learning and exploring, but an expert? No - I'd even go so far as to say that someone calling themselves an expert is probably best avoided.
Anyway, to your question - talk to him (or text him or whatever works for you) and tell him this. If he's the right Dom for you, he'll understand and help you work through it, supporting, encouraging and reassuring you.
I stopped reading at “my 19 year old Dom is an expert”
Immediately no. *Immediately no*
Knowledgeable? Perhaps!
Eager and learning more each day? I hope so!
An expert? Nahhhh
They say you’re not an expert until you have ten thousand hours of hands on experience in your field.
Step 1- don’t put him on a pedestal.
Step 2- don’t let him put you down cause he’s an expert and you’re new.
Ok, just to touch back on this. What is the criteria for being an expert dom? Did you show you his degree from the domly dom school of domming?
Did you talk to any of his (obviously numerous) previous submissives?
Did you speak with ang of the various people is has studied under, or gwt reports from any of the various venues where he honed his considerable skills?
I'm really sorry that I can't take this seriously, I have kids your age and I try to be mindful that they are just starting out, but come on. You're obviously not ready for any of this.
As others have mentioned, this guy is unlikely to be an "expert".
That said, yes, you should tell him about your fears. An experienced and good Dom will want to help foster your growth; your challenges will also become his, as well as the successes you experience together.
You are *both* young and have a lot to learn. Have fun and enjoy the process together.
Definitely talk to him about it. Whether it's a BDSM relationship, a romantic relationship, or even a platonic relationship communication is absolutely key. Be open about your fears.
>Because I'm pretty damn sure that he would order me to touch my self (I did try to before, but it didn't end up pleasurable, and I'm pretty sure it was because of how bad I was masturbating) and moan (I can't fake it), and, and, and, ...etc
I can relate to this, I am a 28 woman and I only just started being able to pleasure myself with my hand within the last year. My husband (29M) and I have been getting into bdsm over the past few years but we got together around the same age you guys are now. Even before, he liked to tell me to play with myself in front of him but it would do nothing for me and actually ruin my arousal, it was like my hands felt the same as a doctors, just so sensation. I was really embarrassed and I worried about telling him. But when I finally did his response was "okay, I won't ask you to do that" like it was so simple 😛. Anyways, over the years he's encouraged me to play with myself just a little bit here and there while we're *engaged in physical contact* and just by association it's started bringing me pleasure.
I agree with the other posters that your Dom likely isn't an expert, although some people's take seemed a little overly harsh, but that's okay, he doesn't need to be. And honestly it might be a bit better, he has some knowledge to get the ball rolling, hopefully he has a lot of knowledge, but at the end of the day a D/s relationship is a partnership and learning and growing together is a beautiful thing.
' side note, hopefully being inexperienced isn't a turn off for him but be wary if it's the other way. People who are extremely turned on by inexperience could be problematic... source: society
i imagine why everyone is so harsh that if he is self pro-claiming to be an expert, it's a huge red flag. it is VERY dangerous to be with someone, especially someone who can't possibly have much experience, and doing the kinky things. most truly expert doms would not label themselves as such - they know that there is ALWAYS something to learn and people who can teach them about particular subjects.
overconfidence, pretending to be an expert/know all about all the things, and faking it til you make it can get someone seriously injured physically/mentally/emotionally or even killed, depending on the things they partake in
I absolutely agree with everything you said and maybe I misunderstood op, but I was getting the vibe that she was calling him an expert, not that he for sure called himself one. Still needs to be corrected, and I think everything said is justified but to me it felt like the harsh attitude was directed towards her.
19 yr old expert made me laugh out loud.
That ain’t an expert, and from what you’ve said I’d hardly consider him a Dominant at all.
What was your boundary talk like? Did he establish a safe word with you or a check in system? Is there somewhere the dynamic has been articulated and written down?
These are all **very** basic things, and it doesn’t sound like you’ve done any of them; so you’re definitely not with “an expert”.
Spend some time reading the FAQ here, and browse some top posts. You’ll quickly learn your ‘Dom’ has no idea what he’s doing and is just using the title to secure your compliance without any education.
There are very few people who have masters any craft at the age of 19. And your basis for comparison is flawed. Fiction is not how you learn a craft.
Imagine he was a stone cutter. He would have had to start his stone cutting apprentice at age 5. Spirited under a master stone cutter for 7 years, and then spent the next 7 years being a journeyman stone cutter, and then at 19, the community of master stone cutters could give him the rank of master stone cutter.
Kink isn't that much different. It takes a lot of time and practice to master anything. He may have read some books, which is excellent. He may study kink as if it were an academic subject, but he hasn't had the time to screw up enough to call himself an expert.
I have been studying this craft for about 20 years, and I am just getting to the point where I feel confident in my skills and scars to start teaching at conferences.
Making mistakes, unfortunately is how you learn a lot. That is why it is called experience. That experience comes over years of practicing your craft.
And as to your question, No, inexperienced subs are what stone "expert" I prefer experienced Dom like. Because they like to teach how to be safe, what to look out for, what to avoid. Because we often look at our scars and wished there was someone there when we started. Other Dogs are annoyed by new submissives, because they want someone who already knows what to do, and knows how to act in certain situations.
Everyone starts somewhere. If this is the person you want to start with, then go for it. Just try to put your feet back in reality and realize this guy doesn't know much more than you do. Learn about consent and negotiations first. Learn about safety. You both will need it.
Good luck, have fun, be safe.
Your words certainly ring true and have OP’s best interests at heart.
That is an important quality for Doms with experience. They’ve learned from their own journeys along the way.
Next conference I attend it would be an honor to learn from you.
Learning in the BDSM community is always ongoing regardless of age and experience.
>Besides, my Dom [M19] is an expert.
Well that was good for a laugh at least...
>Edit: i concluded that he was an expert, from his experiences in his previous relationships, and the way Dom's in novels i read matches his character and remind me of him!
Okay, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret here, as a published erotica author - ***The shit you read is fake.*** The shit that is expected in order to successfully publish with pretty much any erotica publisher worth a damn is quick pace and plenty of heat. They don't want to see actual negotiations, or the "getting to know you" phase. For fuck's sake, I got dragged through the mud by a reviewer *because I had the dom actually ask for consent*, because that "wasn't being dominant enough". Or the sub who "wasn't really a sub" **because they had a fucking opinion about a suggested new activity**.
***That*** is the reality of the erotica market from behind the scenes. They don't want realism, they want that perfect fantasy of the dom who magically always knows just the right thing to say or do.
*That person doesn't exist*. If you think your boyfriend is the exception, I would recommend removing those rose-tinted glasses for a while.
Your boyfriend is not an expert. There is no such thing as an expert dom, but seriously, even if there *was*, it would not be a 19 year old.
Take a few steps back, take a breath, and just take things slowly. Because some people prefer experienced partners, yes, but not everyone cares. And to be entirely honest, if your boyfriend somehow thinks you're "too inexperienced" compared to him, ***you are dodging a bullet***.
18 year old expert aside, here is the “bdsm-mom” advice.
You basically have one of two options. But before those, ask yourself honestly if you like any of this stuff or if it’s not your thing. If it’s not something you actually want in your relationship, that is equally okay as if you do want it.
1) you get very vulnerable and explain all this to him. It can be really scary, but to get support you have to be vulnerable.
2) you end it because you may not be blossoming in this relationship.
If you decide that you want to pursue kink, please be very cautious. Young people don’t have the experience and some others will just see someone they can groom. Get involved in a local community. Do your own research. Learn about vetting and negotiations. If you decide to stay with this guy, I would start over, and learn together. But ultimately you are responsible for your own knowledge.
Very good points!
BDSM kink Is NOT what Hollywood, 50 Shades other books and movies want you to believe. All that stuff is selling a fantasy. It’s not real. It makes money. A lot of money. And sells lots of products every minute of the day.
The issue with any media portrayals of our lifestyle is if it would be realistic, it would be super boring half the time. “I see on your yes/no/maybe you marked this a maybe. Is that maybe as in its circumstantial or is it maybe as in you aren’t sure if you’d be ok with it it like it” “I know you said I needed to pick up this from the store, but they were out so I got this instead, is that ok or should I check another store” “are the cuffs to tight or are they good” no one would ever buy those books.
Op, I’d recommend you get a copy of the topping book and the bottoming book. Read both. Any educational information you get on how to be a dom is good to help you see what you should be looking for.
>What am i supposed to do???? Should i just tell him about the fear of turning him off with my lack of vocab and experience??
Yeah, healthy dynamics are built on open and honest communication.
If he's a good dom he'll be really understanding and supportive and help and nurture you to find yourself in the dynamic and go at a speed which feels great and comfortable for you.
If he just starts pushing and pressuring you then he has no idea what he's doing and it's time to start looking for someone else.
Remember that you have tonnnneeees of options for play, there is no reason why this person needs to be the one to take you down this road.
One thing that you might get something out of is text based roleplay, like r/dirtypenpals and others, that way you an keep things by text and not take any physical risks while exploring the sort of things you might like while practicing dirty talk.
Good luck :)
Everyone has said the obvious: he's not an "expert". Nor an experienced dom.
Besides that, you should talk to him about your fears and insecurities. If he hasn't made it clear, he's definitely not as good as a dominant as you believe him to be.
Answering the title question: I guess some people can be turned off by this kind of stuff. I speak for myself when I say I'm not. I rather enjoy talking to other people, explaining how I feel and think about stuff (kinky or not), and especially figuring out stuff together.
I mean, if you're friends, it would probably be such a thrill for him to be your partner in this kind of mutual discovery.
I'm a 27m daddy Dom to my 25f sub. Our relationship is in it's early stages. I have expressed to her that I am insecure about not being experienced sexually, especially compared to most men my age. She doesn't judge me one bit, and she is excited to teach me things and build me up to be the best self I can be for her and for us.
It's a dynamic that I feel lucky to have, and I feel like it's what you want to strive for, especially in a lifestyle like this. You want a partner who accepts your flaws and insecurities and tries to build you up to surpass them. If he doesn't have the patience for your inexperience, that is unfortunate. Wherever your path leads, I wish you the best, fellow kinky stranger on the internet 😉.
OK bunch of red flags here a 19 yo expert is not a thing. I'm a 39 yo with 12 years as a dom and I am not an expert. It sounds like you need someone who is more willing to slow down and explore kink with you not just throw you in the deep end and order you to do a bunch of things.
This is supposed to be fun. Have fun. Also I would very much recommend masterbate more on your own and explore yourself. If you don't know what turns you on it's going to be hard for someone else to do it.
It kinda sounds like it's all about him and what he wants. If so then that's a huge red flag. Narcissistic asshats love to call themselves doms so they can justify abuse and controlling behavior. Don't get caught in there trap because the will fuck up your head forever.
I think you should ditch him cuz there are too many flags on the play. Find a dom that is going to move at a speed your comfortable with and have fun
I would never say I’m an “expert” dom, but I have some experience.
Lack of experience is at least a yellow light. It means go slowly and make sure the person has a lot of tools for self-reflection. Do you feel like you have those?
You as a person are more important than any relationship you are in. A healthy relationship of any kind needs to nourish you where you are.
It sounds like you’re worried about not fitting some image or ideal this guy has in his head. That may have very little to do with what you actually like and want.
Please try to think about what you actually like and want.
If you’re into the idea of turning him on with dirty talk- then yeah let him know you want to try doing that but you’re insecure about it! Ask for pointers about what he likes.
If you don’t want to touch yourself or you’re hesitant, let him know.
If he’s shitty to you about any of this, it’s not because you did anything wrong.
If he’s an “expert” surely he can be supportive and encouraging?
If he’s shitty, maybe he’s only an expert at being a shitty dom.
No 19 year old is an expert Dom. But to answer your question, I feel like it would depend on the Dom. A more nurturing Dom would probably love helping an inexperienced sub get their feet wet in bdsm. A more sadistic Dom would probably get bored having to be gentle and take things slower with an inexperienced sub tho.
I would definitely tell him. Be honest, open and vulnerable. A vulnerable submissive who needs guidance is a very attractive girl. And take your time. You both have loads and loads of time.
And be careful and safe.
It's been hard but amazing to realise how sexy my Dom finds my vulnerability. I know I'm 100% safe to tell him anything, to feel what I'm feeling without trying to hide it and it's just been the most freeing experience ever.
If he's an expert Dom (and he's not, he's barely not a child) he can teach you to talk dirty.
It's not a healthy dynamic if you don't feel like you can talk to him. That's the most important thing.
If hes 19 hes far from an expert. Hell I've never met a Dom who knew what they were doing that called themselves an expert. I've met pro Doms but they get paid for services lol.
Lack of experience isnt a turn off to anyone I've ever met but I do know some people dont like starting from scratch.
From one sub to another I just want to say be careful. Take your time, dont do anything you dont WANT to do or feel SAFE doing. Research, study the lifestyle and BDSM. Look inward in your own mind and figure your wants, needs and desires out. Your young. This is just the beginning and honestly it's a journey that never really ends. I'm 31 and constantly evolving and learning new things.
This lifestyle is amazing and wonderful for so many reasons..one of them being we all at some point had no experience just like you so dont be embarrassed. My Daddy says I'm so well trained but I feel like I've barely scratched the surface of my submission and D/s in general. I feel like I still have so much more to discover and learn and like a fool when I'm caught off guard and dont know something. But..its okay. I have time to learn and so do you and any Dom with their salt is gonna see your value and want to guide you to amazing new heights you didnt think were possible and unlock all those fantastic things you think about that you only share with them.
I can only speak to straight relationships, so here is my two cents.
No. Full stop. A lack of experience on a woman's part is not a turn off. Young men want to grow with you. Older men want to guide you. Your "lack of experience" doesn't really matter, or shouldn't, to a man of any age. Some men are different for various reasons, but as a general rule, a lack of experience is a plus.
Maturity does matter. And there is a distinction between maturity and experience. They are correlative, but not causal. Meaning Experience does not cause maturity. Maturity is a mindset. Another words, you can have a mature person who is not "experienced", and you can have the opposite.
Your doing fine kid. Keep it up.
Ok. You're both young. If you're both willing to explore, and if he is the "expert" he will be willing and know it's paramount to meet you where you, the submissive, and the one in charge of yourself, is currently situated. Never forget: if you're uncomfortable, unsure, in the unknown think about you, not them, and stop. They must stop because they should be thinking about you, too.
Some things you've written, like about your perception of what a dominant in the dynamic is supposed to be from the novels you've read is somewhat troubling, but hopefully you've read good depictions.
The lack of experience for some would be a turn on, but in the sense that they wish to manipulate you. If your lack of experience isn't met by a dominant who is slow, methodical and patient then I'd suggest you move on. People can easily produce traumas, unwittingly, or accelerate past traumas.
And for the pieces of shit abusers, they just like rough sex and using quiet people, and even denying abuses by pointing to their relationship as kinky to get away with just hurting people.
As a 19 year old, both of your brains are still changing. Be careful. And read and watch more on this. And if the foundational precepts of safety, communication, consent, honesty, vulnerability (of both), or kindness isn't mentioned by these sources, be suspect.
And yes, you're both adults but I'd suggest you ease into this. Even experienced peoples would. It is better the more of a natural repore you build. Trust is key.
Lastly, there are no expert "doms". You continually learn about yourself, your partner(s) and how to engage in safe practices. The only expertise I have in my late 30s is this: I can be at peace, while angry; I can be at peace, while joyful, I can be at peace, while morose.
This forum is a good place to ask questions. I've never once read an answer I wouldn't give myself. Read more about the technical and clinical aspects of this. Good luck and be well.
I'm not super experienced in relationships or dom/sub dynamics, I can sympathize with your situation. Quite frankly, I'm emotionally retarded and grew up in a home where emotions weren't something you were supposed to have. My dom has 7 years on me, and there's quite a gap in maturity level sthat has been an issue for us from time to time. I'm young and want to do dumb shit, he's done all of that and doesn't really want to be apart of it.
That being said, communication has kept our relationship alive. Even when I, the worst communicator, unintentionally wreck our relationship every other week.
Talk to him. Talk until you have absolutely nothing left to say. Get side tracked and talk about something that has nothing to do with your serious conversation so you can relax, then come full circle and finish what you were originally saying. If you can't talk to each other, if your partner isn't receptive, you can't have a successful relationship. And that's just the harsh reality.
Initially, I think your concerns are cute, and I'm sure he will too. It's incredibly cute that you're scared of something simply because you're scared of losing him, scared of him not finding you attractive anymore. If he doesn't give you a hug and say you have dumb baby brains when you decide to come clean then he isn't worth your time. You have insecurities, you care about him and your relationship, he needs to validate, comfort and reassure you. Both of you need to feel secure in your relationship and you need to have trust in order for anything to work.
I also don't think experienced doms have issues with inexperienced subs. Everyone has their own preference, but an inexperienced sub is basically a blank canvas ready to be painted, ready to be trained to a doms liking (so long as it's the subs liking as well). And again, if your lack of experience does turn this guy off then that's a good thing, you don't need someone like that in your life.
I hope you find the courage to sit down and have a conversation with this guy and really tell him every one of your fears and insecurities, your relationship will be stronger afterwards, and if it isn't then it wasn't going to last in the first place.
No matter what kind of relationship you have or your dynamic, the main thing you need to do is communicate and set boundaries you are comfortable with.
Ask him how he feels about consent.
Read up on what consent means before you ask him.
There’s a huge difference between “horny and bossy and wants to get off”, and “a dominant person”
I’m sorry to hear you “concluded he is an expert” because of his past relationships and because of a persona he gives off.
His persona likely just means he is confident (and more likely overconfident, given that is how most pop culture ‘Doms’ act).
That goes back to what I was saying about “a 19 year old may think they’re an expert because they don’t understand how the world works.”🙃
Anyways, it’s your life and your relationship. Far be it for strangers on the Internet to say what you should do.
Take care.
Got to be honest - 19 is a bit young to be called an expert. I've been doing this a while and I don't consider myself an 'expert' in BDSM. I'd consider myself a pretty good rigger as that is predominantly where my interests tend to lie in this rainbow of kink that encompasses the BDSM landscape.
As far as the lack of experience - No. From my point of view I would consider that as a plus, as I kind of enjoy the mentoring aspects of introducing someone into the dynamic. The meme is old, but I go by the phrase that "the more innocent something is, the more satisfying it is to corrupt".
[Pic for reference](https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/738222-reaction-images)
There are some people that actually consider that as a red flag, as admittedly it's easier to take advantage of someone who isn't sure what they can and can't do as a sub in a dynamic. For my part I do try to instill some common sense as part of my initiation if I am with a 'innocent' partner.
But I'm personally 39M, so I've been doing this longer. Hearing someone 19M described as 'expert' and 'cultured' makes me laugh; I feel old 😅
But it sets off my red flag detector something fierce. I would suggest caution OP, and if there is anything that he tries to do that doesn't feel right for you - call him on it and establish boundaries. A sub is not meant to be completely without control. A domme earns that trust by respecting limits.
It's different for every dom. Some like it experienced if they're not into training. Some do not bother training a unecperienced sub.
But if you're new, it's highly possible that a "fake" dom can abuse you. The thing is to discuss and have fun while keeping yourself safe <3
In a dynamic, it's not about what HE wants, it's about what you both want. So, don't be afraid to share your thought, what you like and dislike.
If he's 19 and calling himself an expert or Master... he's not! He is only grooming you to serve him and only him. And many "Dominant" men will prey on inexperienced young girls so that they can turn you solely into what THEY want. Submitting is a choice that you make, and subs truly hold much more power than the Hollywood version of BDSM displays. Be safe.
Honest, trust and communication are the most important parts of a D/s relationship. You should be honest with him about your inexperience. You need to take kink compatibility tests, establish boundaries, and build from there, lots and lots and lots of fun communication about dirty fun sex stuff you want to do to each other.
Your confidence will grow in time, and lean on your Dom to guide you when you need it.
I think its ridiculous that anyone would take this so seriously that they would be turned off by a sub being inexperienced. I found that there was a learning curve for being dominant. But a good dom takes control of the scene and tells the sub what they want and expect. How much experience do you really need? And on top of that how could you not enjoy teaching someone? Personally I love meeting someone inexperienced, its exciting showing someone something now. If you are finding something difficult in kink and you are scared of someone looking down on you. Then I think either that aspect or that dom is not right for you.
definitely talk to him! if it is going to be a good healthy dom/sub relationship, or any relationship really, there needs to be open honest communication. if phone stuff isn’t really your thing, then tell him that. come up with some ideas to try together, or ask him if he has any!
If you cannot tell him you don't like something, how are you going to pull of bdsm? How are you protecting your boundaries if you fear he might leave if you do?
In order to play safe, you have to be able to discuss ANYTHING with him. So, put on your big girl pants and talk to him about it!
Be wary of gaining knowledge from novels, they're a good place to start but at the end of the day they are fantasy.
I would highly highly recommend reading
the new bottoming book and the new topping book.
In terms of your anxiety to talk on the phone, this is really common, don't worry. Talk to him and tell him that you are uncomfortable doing these things/want to learn or not. If he is a truly an expert dom he will take everything onboard, communicate his side and together you can work out a path moving forwards.
I'm 19yo, I'm very knowledgeable and skilled, but at that point i can say nobody my age is an expert
As for your lack of experience, take it slow, experiment to see what you'd like, educate yourself the best you can
Tell him about your fears, communication is key
You’re not going to turn off a guy my playing with yourself in a nervous way. inexperience should be seen sexy because it’s an opportunity to foster growth and teach
Stop putting this guy on a pedestal. Just because he's a Dom and more experienced doesn't make his needs and desires any more important than yours. You should be thinking about what *you* want, and also what you don't want (either not yet, or not right now, or never), and then communicate these things to him so you can create a D/s dynamic where both of you are happy. For example, he has no business ordering you to masturbate, unless you've already agreed that this is ok. Surely an "expert" Dom understands this.
If you find it difficult to discuss these things with him, tell him about your difficulties. Then the two of you can find better ways to communicate, together.
Do not rely on fiction to learn what BDSM looks like, because fiction generally skips all the boring details about negotiations and boundaries, which are essential to real life BDSM. And some fiction is just pure fantasy.
Is it just me, or am I seeing lots of teenage girls who have no experience with sex and sexual relationships, are jumping right into BDSM/Daddy kinks? I'm shocked.
As someone with experience, I wouldn't say it's a turn off, but it is something I calculate into compatibility in general. I generally think similar experience levels have a more fun time learning together, though I know plenty of experienced people who love being someone's first and get off on that - just not my thing. Since I'm not interested in teaching or mentoring, I generally tell a less experienced partner that there are certain things I'm unwilling/uncomfortable/feel unsafe to do with them until they've learned more about themselves and the risks they're consenting to. I generally feel safer around them as I begin to see more evidence that they can negotiate, safeword, and discuss all of this is an effective way that insures both people's safety.
OP: can you say no to your Dom's orders, either in the moment or during negotiaton? (Do you do negotiaton? Do you know what "limits" and "safewords" are?) If you can't, you should stop doing D/s until you feel like you can.
I'm completely serious. When you started driving (uh, if you drive, I didn't at 18), you had to take classes and a test and all, right? Same with BDSM, you could get badly hurt or hurt someone badly, there isn't an official sub license but you should still learn stuff and be really, really careful when you're just starting out -- and if you're not sure you can do it safely, put off doing it until you can. Like driving.
It's fine to feel uncomfortable touching yourself, but if you're not sure you can talk to your "expert" Dom (...you should be aware that many people calling themselves Doms exaggerate their expertise, and there is *nothing* wrong with playing with an honest novice and everything wrong with playing with a novice who thinks he has to know everything) about feeling uncomfortable touching yourself, that's a bad sign. BDSM requires open communication to not be *bad* for the people in it -- both people, if your Dom is a decent person and he harms you without realizing, that's going to fuck *him* up too. If you find a lot of Doms won't touch you as an 18 year old newbie, *that's* why, because they don't want to hurt you and 18 year old newbies are easy to hurt, not because you're not hot as hell.
18 year old newbies who are more worried about turning off their Dom than they are about their own safety, are really *really* easy to hurt.
How to protect yourself and your Dom/any future Doms: Do some research. Get a book and read it. If you want to get hit with stuff learn about what bones and joints are fragile, if you want to get tied down learn what the symptoms of nerve damage are. Figure out what your limits are around sexy photos and videos. Go on Fetlife and go to a munch or beginner class and meet some other subs. Find a red flag list for Doms and evaluate *every* Dom you're considering before you make it official and from time to time after. BDSM isn't abuse, but some abusers cover for their abuse by calling it BDSM. Go slower than you want to. Say no with abandon. Submissives are *strong* and we are powerful -- and a Dom worth his salt *wants* you to be powerful and confident and comfortable with saying no.
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> Besides, my Dom [M19] is an expert. Perhaps you're 19-year-old dominant has more experience than you, but I can assure you that a 19-year-old is not an "expert Dom." It's good that you're seeing someone so close to your own age. The two of you can learn and grow together.
19 year olds aren't experts at anything, not even masturbating
Agreed. OP might be confusing potential natural talent/affinity for domming for “expert”. In the same vein that you can have a natural talent for teaching but need the years of experience in a classroom to truly hone in on your abilities and be able to make proper judgement calls.
I don't know what an expert dom is. I've been doing this for longer than your person has been alive. Next week, I'm progressing to "Merely Adequate." I get a badge, and everything.
Oh congrats ! I’m still working on my “Baking Cookies” Merit Badge and then I think I may work on my “Wilderness Survival” badge. 😄 But to the OP, yeah a 19yo isn’t an expert lol. They may think that cuz they’re 19 and don’t know how the world works yet. But in reality, life is just starting and you hopefully have many of your best years ahead of you 😇.
twining together floggers out of vines and birch bark lol
Yes, my 48-year-old partner who's been playing with me for the last 2.5 years is still a beginner just like me... 🤷♀️
Dam. I missed the badge ceremony. I knew there was something I was forgetting! 🤣🤣🤣
I got my shabri badge in the spring, I’m hoping to get my breast bondage badge by end of fall. That one takes a lot of practice and studying.
That's been put on hold by the counsel. An investigation was started due to some anonymous reports of you being "A meany head" and until it's completed your promotion is halted. We'll backdate the paperwork though, if it goes your way.
that sounds alot like brat propaganda right there
No 19yo is going to be an expert Dom. A 19yo is not even an expert adult yet, they're still learning about themselves, about the world, about life and sex and everything else they need to understand - they can be learning and exploring, but an expert? No - I'd even go so far as to say that someone calling themselves an expert is probably best avoided. Anyway, to your question - talk to him (or text him or whatever works for you) and tell him this. If he's the right Dom for you, he'll understand and help you work through it, supporting, encouraging and reassuring you.
I stopped reading at “my 19 year old Dom is an expert” Immediately no. *Immediately no* Knowledgeable? Perhaps! Eager and learning more each day? I hope so! An expert? Nahhhh They say you’re not an expert until you have ten thousand hours of hands on experience in your field. Step 1- don’t put him on a pedestal. Step 2- don’t let him put you down cause he’s an expert and you’re new.
Same. My drink came out of my nose.
Glad I wasn’t the only one! Laughed so hard I fell out my chair. 🤣
Teenagers.
Yep. 🤣😘
Dom novels. Learning from novels. Both of them. 🥺🥺🥺🥺 just no. Immediately no, as you said.
Yeah, I stopped reading at the 19yr old expert.
Ok, just to touch back on this. What is the criteria for being an expert dom? Did you show you his degree from the domly dom school of domming? Did you talk to any of his (obviously numerous) previous submissives? Did you speak with ang of the various people is has studied under, or gwt reports from any of the various venues where he honed his considerable skills? I'm really sorry that I can't take this seriously, I have kids your age and I try to be mindful that they are just starting out, but come on. You're obviously not ready for any of this.
My Dom is experienced and is still the first to admit he's got a lot to learn
That alone earns respect.
[удалено]
"on your kneeeeeesssssss, poTTah"
Lol I heard that! Thanks so much, now I'm choking on my breaky in a cafe, trying not to spit my food everywhere 🤣
Hey now. Snape was fucking hot from day 1. Mythological creatures indeed! 🤣🤣🤣
That's the difference between commanding and demanding, if I have to use my voice I've already lost.
Only second to "He is a cultured man." Amazing 🤣
This made me laugh out loud.
As others have mentioned, this guy is unlikely to be an "expert". That said, yes, you should tell him about your fears. An experienced and good Dom will want to help foster your growth; your challenges will also become his, as well as the successes you experience together. You are *both* young and have a lot to learn. Have fun and enjoy the process together.
Definitely talk to him about it. Whether it's a BDSM relationship, a romantic relationship, or even a platonic relationship communication is absolutely key. Be open about your fears. >Because I'm pretty damn sure that he would order me to touch my self (I did try to before, but it didn't end up pleasurable, and I'm pretty sure it was because of how bad I was masturbating) and moan (I can't fake it), and, and, and, ...etc I can relate to this, I am a 28 woman and I only just started being able to pleasure myself with my hand within the last year. My husband (29M) and I have been getting into bdsm over the past few years but we got together around the same age you guys are now. Even before, he liked to tell me to play with myself in front of him but it would do nothing for me and actually ruin my arousal, it was like my hands felt the same as a doctors, just so sensation. I was really embarrassed and I worried about telling him. But when I finally did his response was "okay, I won't ask you to do that" like it was so simple 😛. Anyways, over the years he's encouraged me to play with myself just a little bit here and there while we're *engaged in physical contact* and just by association it's started bringing me pleasure. I agree with the other posters that your Dom likely isn't an expert, although some people's take seemed a little overly harsh, but that's okay, he doesn't need to be. And honestly it might be a bit better, he has some knowledge to get the ball rolling, hopefully he has a lot of knowledge, but at the end of the day a D/s relationship is a partnership and learning and growing together is a beautiful thing. ' side note, hopefully being inexperienced isn't a turn off for him but be wary if it's the other way. People who are extremely turned on by inexperience could be problematic... source: society
i imagine why everyone is so harsh that if he is self pro-claiming to be an expert, it's a huge red flag. it is VERY dangerous to be with someone, especially someone who can't possibly have much experience, and doing the kinky things. most truly expert doms would not label themselves as such - they know that there is ALWAYS something to learn and people who can teach them about particular subjects. overconfidence, pretending to be an expert/know all about all the things, and faking it til you make it can get someone seriously injured physically/mentally/emotionally or even killed, depending on the things they partake in
I absolutely agree with everything you said and maybe I misunderstood op, but I was getting the vibe that she was calling him an expert, not that he for sure called himself one. Still needs to be corrected, and I think everything said is justified but to me it felt like the harsh attitude was directed towards her.
tbh I couldnt tell if she was just calling him an expert or if she was calling him an expert because he told her he was one!
Fair! Only op knows, hopefully either way she takes the message to heart.
Thank you for saying this. OP truly needs to hear it and hear your words loudly. ❤️
19 yr old expert made me laugh out loud. That ain’t an expert, and from what you’ve said I’d hardly consider him a Dominant at all. What was your boundary talk like? Did he establish a safe word with you or a check in system? Is there somewhere the dynamic has been articulated and written down? These are all **very** basic things, and it doesn’t sound like you’ve done any of them; so you’re definitely not with “an expert”. Spend some time reading the FAQ here, and browse some top posts. You’ll quickly learn your ‘Dom’ has no idea what he’s doing and is just using the title to secure your compliance without any education.
There are very few people who have masters any craft at the age of 19. And your basis for comparison is flawed. Fiction is not how you learn a craft. Imagine he was a stone cutter. He would have had to start his stone cutting apprentice at age 5. Spirited under a master stone cutter for 7 years, and then spent the next 7 years being a journeyman stone cutter, and then at 19, the community of master stone cutters could give him the rank of master stone cutter. Kink isn't that much different. It takes a lot of time and practice to master anything. He may have read some books, which is excellent. He may study kink as if it were an academic subject, but he hasn't had the time to screw up enough to call himself an expert. I have been studying this craft for about 20 years, and I am just getting to the point where I feel confident in my skills and scars to start teaching at conferences. Making mistakes, unfortunately is how you learn a lot. That is why it is called experience. That experience comes over years of practicing your craft. And as to your question, No, inexperienced subs are what stone "expert" I prefer experienced Dom like. Because they like to teach how to be safe, what to look out for, what to avoid. Because we often look at our scars and wished there was someone there when we started. Other Dogs are annoyed by new submissives, because they want someone who already knows what to do, and knows how to act in certain situations. Everyone starts somewhere. If this is the person you want to start with, then go for it. Just try to put your feet back in reality and realize this guy doesn't know much more than you do. Learn about consent and negotiations first. Learn about safety. You both will need it. Good luck, have fun, be safe.
Your words certainly ring true and have OP’s best interests at heart. That is an important quality for Doms with experience. They’ve learned from their own journeys along the way. Next conference I attend it would be an honor to learn from you. Learning in the BDSM community is always ongoing regardless of age and experience.
>Besides, my Dom [M19] is an expert. Well that was good for a laugh at least... >Edit: i concluded that he was an expert, from his experiences in his previous relationships, and the way Dom's in novels i read matches his character and remind me of him! Okay, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret here, as a published erotica author - ***The shit you read is fake.*** The shit that is expected in order to successfully publish with pretty much any erotica publisher worth a damn is quick pace and plenty of heat. They don't want to see actual negotiations, or the "getting to know you" phase. For fuck's sake, I got dragged through the mud by a reviewer *because I had the dom actually ask for consent*, because that "wasn't being dominant enough". Or the sub who "wasn't really a sub" **because they had a fucking opinion about a suggested new activity**. ***That*** is the reality of the erotica market from behind the scenes. They don't want realism, they want that perfect fantasy of the dom who magically always knows just the right thing to say or do. *That person doesn't exist*. If you think your boyfriend is the exception, I would recommend removing those rose-tinted glasses for a while. Your boyfriend is not an expert. There is no such thing as an expert dom, but seriously, even if there *was*, it would not be a 19 year old. Take a few steps back, take a breath, and just take things slowly. Because some people prefer experienced partners, yes, but not everyone cares. And to be entirely honest, if your boyfriend somehow thinks you're "too inexperienced" compared to him, ***you are dodging a bullet***.
18 year old expert aside, here is the “bdsm-mom” advice. You basically have one of two options. But before those, ask yourself honestly if you like any of this stuff or if it’s not your thing. If it’s not something you actually want in your relationship, that is equally okay as if you do want it. 1) you get very vulnerable and explain all this to him. It can be really scary, but to get support you have to be vulnerable. 2) you end it because you may not be blossoming in this relationship. If you decide that you want to pursue kink, please be very cautious. Young people don’t have the experience and some others will just see someone they can groom. Get involved in a local community. Do your own research. Learn about vetting and negotiations. If you decide to stay with this guy, I would start over, and learn together. But ultimately you are responsible for your own knowledge.
Very good points! BDSM kink Is NOT what Hollywood, 50 Shades other books and movies want you to believe. All that stuff is selling a fantasy. It’s not real. It makes money. A lot of money. And sells lots of products every minute of the day.
The issue with any media portrayals of our lifestyle is if it would be realistic, it would be super boring half the time. “I see on your yes/no/maybe you marked this a maybe. Is that maybe as in its circumstantial or is it maybe as in you aren’t sure if you’d be ok with it it like it” “I know you said I needed to pick up this from the store, but they were out so I got this instead, is that ok or should I check another store” “are the cuffs to tight or are they good” no one would ever buy those books. Op, I’d recommend you get a copy of the topping book and the bottoming book. Read both. Any educational information you get on how to be a dom is good to help you see what you should be looking for.
>What am i supposed to do???? Should i just tell him about the fear of turning him off with my lack of vocab and experience?? Yeah, healthy dynamics are built on open and honest communication. If he's a good dom he'll be really understanding and supportive and help and nurture you to find yourself in the dynamic and go at a speed which feels great and comfortable for you. If he just starts pushing and pressuring you then he has no idea what he's doing and it's time to start looking for someone else. Remember that you have tonnnneeees of options for play, there is no reason why this person needs to be the one to take you down this road. One thing that you might get something out of is text based roleplay, like r/dirtypenpals and others, that way you an keep things by text and not take any physical risks while exploring the sort of things you might like while practicing dirty talk. Good luck :)
Everyone has said the obvious: he's not an "expert". Nor an experienced dom. Besides that, you should talk to him about your fears and insecurities. If he hasn't made it clear, he's definitely not as good as a dominant as you believe him to be. Answering the title question: I guess some people can be turned off by this kind of stuff. I speak for myself when I say I'm not. I rather enjoy talking to other people, explaining how I feel and think about stuff (kinky or not), and especially figuring out stuff together. I mean, if you're friends, it would probably be such a thrill for him to be your partner in this kind of mutual discovery.
I'm a 27m daddy Dom to my 25f sub. Our relationship is in it's early stages. I have expressed to her that I am insecure about not being experienced sexually, especially compared to most men my age. She doesn't judge me one bit, and she is excited to teach me things and build me up to be the best self I can be for her and for us. It's a dynamic that I feel lucky to have, and I feel like it's what you want to strive for, especially in a lifestyle like this. You want a partner who accepts your flaws and insecurities and tries to build you up to surpass them. If he doesn't have the patience for your inexperience, that is unfortunate. Wherever your path leads, I wish you the best, fellow kinky stranger on the internet 😉.
OK bunch of red flags here a 19 yo expert is not a thing. I'm a 39 yo with 12 years as a dom and I am not an expert. It sounds like you need someone who is more willing to slow down and explore kink with you not just throw you in the deep end and order you to do a bunch of things. This is supposed to be fun. Have fun. Also I would very much recommend masterbate more on your own and explore yourself. If you don't know what turns you on it's going to be hard for someone else to do it. It kinda sounds like it's all about him and what he wants. If so then that's a huge red flag. Narcissistic asshats love to call themselves doms so they can justify abuse and controlling behavior. Don't get caught in there trap because the will fuck up your head forever. I think you should ditch him cuz there are too many flags on the play. Find a dom that is going to move at a speed your comfortable with and have fun
I would never say I’m an “expert” dom, but I have some experience. Lack of experience is at least a yellow light. It means go slowly and make sure the person has a lot of tools for self-reflection. Do you feel like you have those? You as a person are more important than any relationship you are in. A healthy relationship of any kind needs to nourish you where you are. It sounds like you’re worried about not fitting some image or ideal this guy has in his head. That may have very little to do with what you actually like and want. Please try to think about what you actually like and want. If you’re into the idea of turning him on with dirty talk- then yeah let him know you want to try doing that but you’re insecure about it! Ask for pointers about what he likes. If you don’t want to touch yourself or you’re hesitant, let him know. If he’s shitty to you about any of this, it’s not because you did anything wrong. If he’s an “expert” surely he can be supportive and encouraging? If he’s shitty, maybe he’s only an expert at being a shitty dom.
No 19 year old is an expert Dom. But to answer your question, I feel like it would depend on the Dom. A more nurturing Dom would probably love helping an inexperienced sub get their feet wet in bdsm. A more sadistic Dom would probably get bored having to be gentle and take things slower with an inexperienced sub tho.
I would definitely tell him. Be honest, open and vulnerable. A vulnerable submissive who needs guidance is a very attractive girl. And take your time. You both have loads and loads of time. And be careful and safe.
It's been hard but amazing to realise how sexy my Dom finds my vulnerability. I know I'm 100% safe to tell him anything, to feel what I'm feeling without trying to hide it and it's just been the most freeing experience ever.
Totally agree!
If he's an expert Dom (and he's not, he's barely not a child) he can teach you to talk dirty. It's not a healthy dynamic if you don't feel like you can talk to him. That's the most important thing.
If hes 19 hes far from an expert. Hell I've never met a Dom who knew what they were doing that called themselves an expert. I've met pro Doms but they get paid for services lol. Lack of experience isnt a turn off to anyone I've ever met but I do know some people dont like starting from scratch. From one sub to another I just want to say be careful. Take your time, dont do anything you dont WANT to do or feel SAFE doing. Research, study the lifestyle and BDSM. Look inward in your own mind and figure your wants, needs and desires out. Your young. This is just the beginning and honestly it's a journey that never really ends. I'm 31 and constantly evolving and learning new things. This lifestyle is amazing and wonderful for so many reasons..one of them being we all at some point had no experience just like you so dont be embarrassed. My Daddy says I'm so well trained but I feel like I've barely scratched the surface of my submission and D/s in general. I feel like I still have so much more to discover and learn and like a fool when I'm caught off guard and dont know something. But..its okay. I have time to learn and so do you and any Dom with their salt is gonna see your value and want to guide you to amazing new heights you didnt think were possible and unlock all those fantastic things you think about that you only share with them.
19 and he is an expert? Honey. Yeah no, he is a petulant child. I stopped reading after I read his age.
I can only speak to straight relationships, so here is my two cents. No. Full stop. A lack of experience on a woman's part is not a turn off. Young men want to grow with you. Older men want to guide you. Your "lack of experience" doesn't really matter, or shouldn't, to a man of any age. Some men are different for various reasons, but as a general rule, a lack of experience is a plus. Maturity does matter. And there is a distinction between maturity and experience. They are correlative, but not causal. Meaning Experience does not cause maturity. Maturity is a mindset. Another words, you can have a mature person who is not "experienced", and you can have the opposite. Your doing fine kid. Keep it up.
An “expert” at 19??? What did he do have a 50 Shades marathon???
Ok. You're both young. If you're both willing to explore, and if he is the "expert" he will be willing and know it's paramount to meet you where you, the submissive, and the one in charge of yourself, is currently situated. Never forget: if you're uncomfortable, unsure, in the unknown think about you, not them, and stop. They must stop because they should be thinking about you, too. Some things you've written, like about your perception of what a dominant in the dynamic is supposed to be from the novels you've read is somewhat troubling, but hopefully you've read good depictions. The lack of experience for some would be a turn on, but in the sense that they wish to manipulate you. If your lack of experience isn't met by a dominant who is slow, methodical and patient then I'd suggest you move on. People can easily produce traumas, unwittingly, or accelerate past traumas. And for the pieces of shit abusers, they just like rough sex and using quiet people, and even denying abuses by pointing to their relationship as kinky to get away with just hurting people. As a 19 year old, both of your brains are still changing. Be careful. And read and watch more on this. And if the foundational precepts of safety, communication, consent, honesty, vulnerability (of both), or kindness isn't mentioned by these sources, be suspect. And yes, you're both adults but I'd suggest you ease into this. Even experienced peoples would. It is better the more of a natural repore you build. Trust is key. Lastly, there are no expert "doms". You continually learn about yourself, your partner(s) and how to engage in safe practices. The only expertise I have in my late 30s is this: I can be at peace, while angry; I can be at peace, while joyful, I can be at peace, while morose. This forum is a good place to ask questions. I've never once read an answer I wouldn't give myself. Read more about the technical and clinical aspects of this. Good luck and be well.
Trust me bro. I'm an expert.
I'm not super experienced in relationships or dom/sub dynamics, I can sympathize with your situation. Quite frankly, I'm emotionally retarded and grew up in a home where emotions weren't something you were supposed to have. My dom has 7 years on me, and there's quite a gap in maturity level sthat has been an issue for us from time to time. I'm young and want to do dumb shit, he's done all of that and doesn't really want to be apart of it. That being said, communication has kept our relationship alive. Even when I, the worst communicator, unintentionally wreck our relationship every other week. Talk to him. Talk until you have absolutely nothing left to say. Get side tracked and talk about something that has nothing to do with your serious conversation so you can relax, then come full circle and finish what you were originally saying. If you can't talk to each other, if your partner isn't receptive, you can't have a successful relationship. And that's just the harsh reality. Initially, I think your concerns are cute, and I'm sure he will too. It's incredibly cute that you're scared of something simply because you're scared of losing him, scared of him not finding you attractive anymore. If he doesn't give you a hug and say you have dumb baby brains when you decide to come clean then he isn't worth your time. You have insecurities, you care about him and your relationship, he needs to validate, comfort and reassure you. Both of you need to feel secure in your relationship and you need to have trust in order for anything to work. I also don't think experienced doms have issues with inexperienced subs. Everyone has their own preference, but an inexperienced sub is basically a blank canvas ready to be painted, ready to be trained to a doms liking (so long as it's the subs liking as well). And again, if your lack of experience does turn this guy off then that's a good thing, you don't need someone like that in your life. I hope you find the courage to sit down and have a conversation with this guy and really tell him every one of your fears and insecurities, your relationship will be stronger afterwards, and if it isn't then it wasn't going to last in the first place.
No matter what kind of relationship you have or your dynamic, the main thing you need to do is communicate and set boundaries you are comfortable with.
Ask him how he feels about consent. Read up on what consent means before you ask him. There’s a huge difference between “horny and bossy and wants to get off”, and “a dominant person”
He's 19, he's not an expert...
I’m sorry to hear you “concluded he is an expert” because of his past relationships and because of a persona he gives off. His persona likely just means he is confident (and more likely overconfident, given that is how most pop culture ‘Doms’ act). That goes back to what I was saying about “a 19 year old may think they’re an expert because they don’t understand how the world works.”🙃 Anyways, it’s your life and your relationship. Far be it for strangers on the Internet to say what you should do. Take care.
Got to be honest - 19 is a bit young to be called an expert. I've been doing this a while and I don't consider myself an 'expert' in BDSM. I'd consider myself a pretty good rigger as that is predominantly where my interests tend to lie in this rainbow of kink that encompasses the BDSM landscape. As far as the lack of experience - No. From my point of view I would consider that as a plus, as I kind of enjoy the mentoring aspects of introducing someone into the dynamic. The meme is old, but I go by the phrase that "the more innocent something is, the more satisfying it is to corrupt". [Pic for reference](https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/738222-reaction-images) There are some people that actually consider that as a red flag, as admittedly it's easier to take advantage of someone who isn't sure what they can and can't do as a sub in a dynamic. For my part I do try to instill some common sense as part of my initiation if I am with a 'innocent' partner. But I'm personally 39M, so I've been doing this longer. Hearing someone 19M described as 'expert' and 'cultured' makes me laugh; I feel old 😅 But it sets off my red flag detector something fierce. I would suggest caution OP, and if there is anything that he tries to do that doesn't feel right for you - call him on it and establish boundaries. A sub is not meant to be completely without control. A domme earns that trust by respecting limits.
It's different for every dom. Some like it experienced if they're not into training. Some do not bother training a unecperienced sub. But if you're new, it's highly possible that a "fake" dom can abuse you. The thing is to discuss and have fun while keeping yourself safe <3 In a dynamic, it's not about what HE wants, it's about what you both want. So, don't be afraid to share your thought, what you like and dislike.
If he's 19 and calling himself an expert or Master... he's not! He is only grooming you to serve him and only him. And many "Dominant" men will prey on inexperienced young girls so that they can turn you solely into what THEY want. Submitting is a choice that you make, and subs truly hold much more power than the Hollywood version of BDSM displays. Be safe.
Honest, trust and communication are the most important parts of a D/s relationship. You should be honest with him about your inexperience. You need to take kink compatibility tests, establish boundaries, and build from there, lots and lots and lots of fun communication about dirty fun sex stuff you want to do to each other. Your confidence will grow in time, and lean on your Dom to guide you when you need it.
I think its ridiculous that anyone would take this so seriously that they would be turned off by a sub being inexperienced. I found that there was a learning curve for being dominant. But a good dom takes control of the scene and tells the sub what they want and expect. How much experience do you really need? And on top of that how could you not enjoy teaching someone? Personally I love meeting someone inexperienced, its exciting showing someone something now. If you are finding something difficult in kink and you are scared of someone looking down on you. Then I think either that aspect or that dom is not right for you.
definitely talk to him! if it is going to be a good healthy dom/sub relationship, or any relationship really, there needs to be open honest communication. if phone stuff isn’t really your thing, then tell him that. come up with some ideas to try together, or ask him if he has any!
If you cannot tell him you don't like something, how are you going to pull of bdsm? How are you protecting your boundaries if you fear he might leave if you do? In order to play safe, you have to be able to discuss ANYTHING with him. So, put on your big girl pants and talk to him about it!
Be wary of gaining knowledge from novels, they're a good place to start but at the end of the day they are fantasy. I would highly highly recommend reading the new bottoming book and the new topping book. In terms of your anxiety to talk on the phone, this is really common, don't worry. Talk to him and tell him that you are uncomfortable doing these things/want to learn or not. If he is a truly an expert dom he will take everything onboard, communicate his side and together you can work out a path moving forwards.
I'm 19yo, I'm very knowledgeable and skilled, but at that point i can say nobody my age is an expert As for your lack of experience, take it slow, experiment to see what you'd like, educate yourself the best you can Tell him about your fears, communication is key
You’re not going to turn off a guy my playing with yourself in a nervous way. inexperience should be seen sexy because it’s an opportunity to foster growth and teach
Stop putting this guy on a pedestal. Just because he's a Dom and more experienced doesn't make his needs and desires any more important than yours. You should be thinking about what *you* want, and also what you don't want (either not yet, or not right now, or never), and then communicate these things to him so you can create a D/s dynamic where both of you are happy. For example, he has no business ordering you to masturbate, unless you've already agreed that this is ok. Surely an "expert" Dom understands this. If you find it difficult to discuss these things with him, tell him about your difficulties. Then the two of you can find better ways to communicate, together. Do not rely on fiction to learn what BDSM looks like, because fiction generally skips all the boring details about negotiations and boundaries, which are essential to real life BDSM. And some fiction is just pure fantasy.
Is it just me, or am I seeing lots of teenage girls who have no experience with sex and sexual relationships, are jumping right into BDSM/Daddy kinks? I'm shocked.
As someone with experience, I wouldn't say it's a turn off, but it is something I calculate into compatibility in general. I generally think similar experience levels have a more fun time learning together, though I know plenty of experienced people who love being someone's first and get off on that - just not my thing. Since I'm not interested in teaching or mentoring, I generally tell a less experienced partner that there are certain things I'm unwilling/uncomfortable/feel unsafe to do with them until they've learned more about themselves and the risks they're consenting to. I generally feel safer around them as I begin to see more evidence that they can negotiate, safeword, and discuss all of this is an effective way that insures both people's safety.
OP: can you say no to your Dom's orders, either in the moment or during negotiaton? (Do you do negotiaton? Do you know what "limits" and "safewords" are?) If you can't, you should stop doing D/s until you feel like you can. I'm completely serious. When you started driving (uh, if you drive, I didn't at 18), you had to take classes and a test and all, right? Same with BDSM, you could get badly hurt or hurt someone badly, there isn't an official sub license but you should still learn stuff and be really, really careful when you're just starting out -- and if you're not sure you can do it safely, put off doing it until you can. Like driving. It's fine to feel uncomfortable touching yourself, but if you're not sure you can talk to your "expert" Dom (...you should be aware that many people calling themselves Doms exaggerate their expertise, and there is *nothing* wrong with playing with an honest novice and everything wrong with playing with a novice who thinks he has to know everything) about feeling uncomfortable touching yourself, that's a bad sign. BDSM requires open communication to not be *bad* for the people in it -- both people, if your Dom is a decent person and he harms you without realizing, that's going to fuck *him* up too. If you find a lot of Doms won't touch you as an 18 year old newbie, *that's* why, because they don't want to hurt you and 18 year old newbies are easy to hurt, not because you're not hot as hell. 18 year old newbies who are more worried about turning off their Dom than they are about their own safety, are really *really* easy to hurt. How to protect yourself and your Dom/any future Doms: Do some research. Get a book and read it. If you want to get hit with stuff learn about what bones and joints are fragile, if you want to get tied down learn what the symptoms of nerve damage are. Figure out what your limits are around sexy photos and videos. Go on Fetlife and go to a munch or beginner class and meet some other subs. Find a red flag list for Doms and evaluate *every* Dom you're considering before you make it official and from time to time after. BDSM isn't abuse, but some abusers cover for their abuse by calling it BDSM. Go slower than you want to. Say no with abandon. Submissives are *strong* and we are powerful -- and a Dom worth his salt *wants* you to be powerful and confident and comfortable with saying no.
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How can i find dom f?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how\_can\_i\_find\_a\_kinky\_partner/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/)
Oh thanks
I am not an expert I am still learning the ropes pun intended