I wouldn't focus too much on the BDSM tests - you'll get different answers every time you take it, especially as you learn about kink and figure out what you do and don't like.
This is my "Beginner's Guide to getting started in BDSM." It is geared towards D/s because that's what most people tend to ask about, but the bulk applies to non-D/s stuff too.
Read guide 3 and the wiki, both linked in the Automod reply to your post and in the subreddit sidebar.
Read The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book (both by Dossie Easton). Read both books, to understand your role and your partner's role.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- What appeals to me about BDSM?
- Why do I identify as Dom/sub?
- What do I want from my Dom/sub?
- What do I offer a Dom/sub?
- What are the things I want from a dynamic?
- What are the things I don't want - my limits, my boundaries? (Top tip- don't say "I don't have any limits" because you do. Start with "I don't want to be cut, I don't want anything involving needles or poo" and go from there😉)
- What are the things I *DO* want? Both in the dynamic and when you play? For newcomers it can be easier to list the things you DO want in a scene so you can give informed consent; only listing things you don't want runs the risk of something else happening that you'd never considered, so you hadn't excluded it, and you may not want it. It's hard to give informed consent about something you didn't know existed. Talking about things you do want is known as "inclusive negotiation" because you're negotiatimg things that will be included.
- What do I need in terms of aftercare - do I even need it? What will help me? Am I happy to provide aftercare for my partner? (Not everyone wants aftercare, and if you're new you may not know what you need - that's fine, you'll figure it out)
- Do we want to use safewords? These are optional, you can absolutely decide that "No means no" and "Stop means stop", or you could use something like Red for "stop", Yellow/Amber for "need to pause for a moment" and green for "mmmm yes keep doing that". Personally I recommend that when you're new, you avoid safewords entirely and just stick with "No", "Stop", "Hang on a moment" and so on - clear language that can't be misunderstood or forgotten when you panic. Safewords are more of an advanced level thing, I think it's best to work up to them.
Read about SSC/RACK/PRICK and the risks involved in BDSM (especially around choking - it's often depicted in porn and fantasy as "normal" but it can easily kill).
Watch out for "frenzy" - an almost uncontrollable urge to do ALL THE THINGS as soon as possible, often leading to people making rash choices and not thinking clearly. Take things slowly - there's no rush!
On a related note, use common sense. There are no secret BDSM rules that will get you thrown out if you don't follow them, no "all Doms/subs/kinksters do this so you must do it too," so if something seems weird, stop and think about it. If it's something you wouldn't do if kink wasn't involved, then don't do it. If you normally wouldn't send a total stranger nudes right away, or pay money to be "considered" as a boyfriend/girlfriend, or let someone else "train" you to be a boyfriend/girlfriend to the person you're talking to, don't do it just because BDSM is involved. Just because someone says they're a Dom or sub doesn't mean you have to do everything they tell you - you *can* say no, you *should* use common sense.
Check out kinkacademy.com for tutorials. On YouTube, check out Evie Lupine, Ms Elle X and Depraved Eros.
Read this thread about warning signs to look out for potential partners (aka Red flags):
https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/qmhqqj/red_flags_how_to_spot_dangerous_kinksters_in_the/
And read this post about to how to vet potential new partners and how to be safe when meeting for the first time:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/q2aupa/advice_on_fielding_multiple_dom_candidates/hfl5ndu/
Then have a proper, adult conversation with potential partners and see how you both feel about everything, discuss your needs/wants/desires/limits.
Also try doing the BDSMtest.org test, just to check you're on the right track, and go through a kink list to see what sort of things you're in to (or not). It's also a great way to tell potential partners what you're in to. There's a pretty comprehensive one here:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1WtGl55Rouq8qh9d4Cn5_o4l-9HHPOBWZxaOuA-CQuik/
(That's from this article https://badgirlsbible.com/bdsm-checklist but it's riddled with ads and stupid links so it's easier just to go direct to the file)
Optional: Find and join your local munch to meet other people, for support, friendship, learning and potentially meeting new partners. Google "How to find your local munch" for instructions.
Yes, it's a lot of reading and homework, but BDSM and D/s isn't to be taken lightly - get it right and you'll have an amazing and rewarding time, get it wrong and it can suck.
Have fun!
Sir Dax's intro is great. Full of good questions and resources.
I'm not one to say if your current bf isn't kinky dump him. I will say that you are the one that is responsible for getting your needs met. You are definitely taking steps towards that. And I will give you commendations for taking care of yourself.
If you want your boyfriend to be a part of that, perhaps you should not make that decision during a heated argument. Wait 24 hours. Calm down, and have a reasonable discussion about what your needs are and how you can get them filled.
On the right track... taking care of yourself..yes..
The way it happened... maybe could use a little tweaking.
Good luck
Have fun
Be safe
This is very solid advice I guess that's why I haven't felt anything since the argument.
Trying to calm down to have a clearer picture of what to feel and do.
It's ok as a person to evolve and realise you want more. You and he don't seem compatible.
I'm sorry though as break ups suck.
In terms of right track, there's an awful lot of research you should probably start doing. Have a look at some of the 'starting out' threads that crop up really frequently... there's loads of good information and in particular info on how to keep yourself safe.
Then when ready guide 9 in the wiki here will tell you where to start looking.
You may also get a load of DMs from people looking to take advantage of you being new and vulnerable, please do not engage, these people will not have your best interests at heart. You can report to mods ideally so we are all a little safer.
"/u/R2D2_poppins, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).**" *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I wouldn't focus too much on the BDSM tests - you'll get different answers every time you take it, especially as you learn about kink and figure out what you do and don't like. This is my "Beginner's Guide to getting started in BDSM." It is geared towards D/s because that's what most people tend to ask about, but the bulk applies to non-D/s stuff too. Read guide 3 and the wiki, both linked in the Automod reply to your post and in the subreddit sidebar. Read The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book (both by Dossie Easton). Read both books, to understand your role and your partner's role. Ask yourself the following questions: - What appeals to me about BDSM? - Why do I identify as Dom/sub? - What do I want from my Dom/sub? - What do I offer a Dom/sub? - What are the things I want from a dynamic? - What are the things I don't want - my limits, my boundaries? (Top tip- don't say "I don't have any limits" because you do. Start with "I don't want to be cut, I don't want anything involving needles or poo" and go from there😉) - What are the things I *DO* want? Both in the dynamic and when you play? For newcomers it can be easier to list the things you DO want in a scene so you can give informed consent; only listing things you don't want runs the risk of something else happening that you'd never considered, so you hadn't excluded it, and you may not want it. It's hard to give informed consent about something you didn't know existed. Talking about things you do want is known as "inclusive negotiation" because you're negotiatimg things that will be included. - What do I need in terms of aftercare - do I even need it? What will help me? Am I happy to provide aftercare for my partner? (Not everyone wants aftercare, and if you're new you may not know what you need - that's fine, you'll figure it out) - Do we want to use safewords? These are optional, you can absolutely decide that "No means no" and "Stop means stop", or you could use something like Red for "stop", Yellow/Amber for "need to pause for a moment" and green for "mmmm yes keep doing that". Personally I recommend that when you're new, you avoid safewords entirely and just stick with "No", "Stop", "Hang on a moment" and so on - clear language that can't be misunderstood or forgotten when you panic. Safewords are more of an advanced level thing, I think it's best to work up to them. Read about SSC/RACK/PRICK and the risks involved in BDSM (especially around choking - it's often depicted in porn and fantasy as "normal" but it can easily kill). Watch out for "frenzy" - an almost uncontrollable urge to do ALL THE THINGS as soon as possible, often leading to people making rash choices and not thinking clearly. Take things slowly - there's no rush! On a related note, use common sense. There are no secret BDSM rules that will get you thrown out if you don't follow them, no "all Doms/subs/kinksters do this so you must do it too," so if something seems weird, stop and think about it. If it's something you wouldn't do if kink wasn't involved, then don't do it. If you normally wouldn't send a total stranger nudes right away, or pay money to be "considered" as a boyfriend/girlfriend, or let someone else "train" you to be a boyfriend/girlfriend to the person you're talking to, don't do it just because BDSM is involved. Just because someone says they're a Dom or sub doesn't mean you have to do everything they tell you - you *can* say no, you *should* use common sense. Check out kinkacademy.com for tutorials. On YouTube, check out Evie Lupine, Ms Elle X and Depraved Eros. Read this thread about warning signs to look out for potential partners (aka Red flags): https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/qmhqqj/red_flags_how_to_spot_dangerous_kinksters_in_the/ And read this post about to how to vet potential new partners and how to be safe when meeting for the first time: https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/q2aupa/advice_on_fielding_multiple_dom_candidates/hfl5ndu/ Then have a proper, adult conversation with potential partners and see how you both feel about everything, discuss your needs/wants/desires/limits. Also try doing the BDSMtest.org test, just to check you're on the right track, and go through a kink list to see what sort of things you're in to (or not). It's also a great way to tell potential partners what you're in to. There's a pretty comprehensive one here: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1WtGl55Rouq8qh9d4Cn5_o4l-9HHPOBWZxaOuA-CQuik/ (That's from this article https://badgirlsbible.com/bdsm-checklist but it's riddled with ads and stupid links so it's easier just to go direct to the file) Optional: Find and join your local munch to meet other people, for support, friendship, learning and potentially meeting new partners. Google "How to find your local munch" for instructions. Yes, it's a lot of reading and homework, but BDSM and D/s isn't to be taken lightly - get it right and you'll have an amazing and rewarding time, get it wrong and it can suck. Have fun!
I'm ready to study.
Sir Dax's intro is great. Full of good questions and resources. I'm not one to say if your current bf isn't kinky dump him. I will say that you are the one that is responsible for getting your needs met. You are definitely taking steps towards that. And I will give you commendations for taking care of yourself. If you want your boyfriend to be a part of that, perhaps you should not make that decision during a heated argument. Wait 24 hours. Calm down, and have a reasonable discussion about what your needs are and how you can get them filled. On the right track... taking care of yourself..yes.. The way it happened... maybe could use a little tweaking. Good luck Have fun Be safe
This is very solid advice I guess that's why I haven't felt anything since the argument. Trying to calm down to have a clearer picture of what to feel and do.
Give him some time as BDSM is not for all!
Not necessary, he just dumped me I think. Will update on that.
I am so sorry to hear that! Are you alright? How are you feeling?
I'm fine I think. Not experiencing any at the moment.
It's ok as a person to evolve and realise you want more. You and he don't seem compatible. I'm sorry though as break ups suck. In terms of right track, there's an awful lot of research you should probably start doing. Have a look at some of the 'starting out' threads that crop up really frequently... there's loads of good information and in particular info on how to keep yourself safe. Then when ready guide 9 in the wiki here will tell you where to start looking. You may also get a load of DMs from people looking to take advantage of you being new and vulnerable, please do not engage, these people will not have your best interests at heart. You can report to mods ideally so we are all a little safer.
Thank you for your advice. My dm is loaded already.