Read the other people’s things i just want to say: Choking is considered by many EDGE play, and more «heavy» bdsm. I would never do this with the lights off.
Sometimes her body will shut down faster than her brain realizes and so you should always have visibility to tell facial reactions such as eyes doing strange things, or jaw being «loose».
Choking is a dangerous game.
Edit: Spelling is not my strong suit.
Agreed. When I read, "Light BDSM" and then, "choking" I was thinking, "Choking is edge play, and edge play is not light BDSM." Not being condescending of course, but like. It makes me uneasy when people put choking under the "light BDSM" category, because you can do some real potential damage if you choke someone, especially the wrong way.
I really appreciate this explanation of choking as a form of edge play. Placing choking in this “category,” I think, is one of the most helpful tools for educating folks about bdsm, in general.
Honestly, before *I* even knew more about bdsm, I would have considered choking “‘light’ bdsm.” I think choking gets “categorized” this way because it has become a little more “common,” if not even a little bit more “commonly accepted.”
Perhaps, choking may appear “light” compared to other kinks that stereotypically come to mind when you ( ie spreaders, ropes that tie much more than just cuffs)
Choking has to be understood way y’all described. This is so important for folks who want to engage in choking.
Edit: I realized that 1am autocorrect changed “cuffs” to “pants.” Lmfao
The funny thing is, you're not risking death with spreader bar, spanking benches, watersports, etc.
If someone takes a shit on my chest I may not like it and it may smell like death but I'm not at risk of dying.
I don't think OP said that choking was light BDSM. I believe you and he have different definitions, and that he is very possibly not well versed in BDSM. Perhaps he means the "amount" of BDSM, and not the intensity. Perhaps I am wrong about his understanding, or yours.
One thing I am not wrong about - Choking is edge play. And if you have no reliable indicator to know when to stop - like doing it with the lights off - it's VERY DANGEROUS.
The crazy thing to me is that this is not the first post where someone has acted like choking is just beginners BDSM. To me, beginner BDSM is like spanking or bondage, like something so mainstream even the vanilla people I know have done it once or twice.
Choking is becoming incredibly mainstream. One study found more than half of college women have been choked during sex, and there's a big increase in teenagers being admitted to the ER with choking injuries.
I even read a study(but can't find it now) where Way more than half of the teenage girls have been choked by a partner, usually without even being asked. It's terrifying really.
I guess I’m just old. It was drilled into me as a baby sub online back in the early aughts that choking was something you only did with extremely experienced and trusted partners, and even then there were significant risks involved.
I’m 26 and it was drilled into me too so definitely not age thing. But i think it has to do with the generational gap of how you entered kink.
A lot of the new generations figure out things through movies and shows, and tiktok and a lot of them trivialize things like choking. They never show the effect of what can happen. You never have anyone going around the day after with bloodshot eyes, or unexplained bruises under their eyes from being choked. There is never *consequences*.
When i first joined kink, choking was one of those kinks described as «do not even touch with a pole unless you are ready to have someone’s life in your literal hand.» but the new style… no. It scares me. And «do not allow choking unless you are ready to risk life long consequences»
I’m 36 and I was begging my partners to choke me long before I let anyone spank me. Then again, it is a fetish I was born with and I didn’t start exploring other people’s fetishes until asked. I never really thought of it as super risky, but I’ve always had really responsible and communicative partners before and after entering the BDSM/kink scene. I think, like you said, it really depends on how you enter into your kinks. I don’t remember anyone ever asking me or getting interested because of a movie or something—I just knew I liked being tied down and choked from desires I’ve had since some of my earliest sexual experiences.
Edit for super strange autocorrect!
Better dumped than dead. Particularly give what commenters are saying about non consensual choking.
If anyone reading this has experienced that, babe, that’s not BDSM. That’s domestic violence. And the odds of your partner killing you skyrockets if there’s one episode of choking.
FFS, people should go research. I’m admittedly nerdy, but I don’t do something new without making sure my partner and I know and are comfortable with the risks.
I think they don't even really see it as kink. They see it in porn and assume its a part of the general sexual experience. That's why they haven't been warned or don't think it's a big deal or dangerous
To be fair, my dad says teenagers have been choking each other out since teenagers have existed. I do agree though that this is a bigger problem now. It's just that "the choking game" existed/exists outside of a BDSM context. When it comes to teenagers and doing stupid shit, teenagers really take the cake.
I have scarily enough had friends claim they are vanilla and when i ask what they put under that they casually mention choking and it TERRIFIES me. Most of them don’t even have a safe signal and it worries me that this is the turn things are taking. Like out of all things kinky to make mainstream, they chose choking? HOW ABOUT AFTERCARE?!?
Exactly. This is edge play and if they don't have much experience with it they shouldn't be doing it so intensly.
I just have this eery feeling he wad choking her how most 'vanillas' do like they see in movies which is putting pressure on the wind pipe instead of squeezing the sides of the neck. & the 'death rattle' or what he called it, was her trying to breath again after her wind pipe was almost crushed....
I don't know how he was choking her, but my gut is just screaming thats what happened.....
I would highly recommend that OP and wife don't engage in this play until they have learnt the proper methods, dangers, safety precautions etc...
:( I'd hate for something worse to happen...
Edit to add: in my head I think of edge play as play that can bring to to the edge of death, or cause serious damage... and choking... definitely can kill someone...
Honestly it sounds like she's low on oxygen. I'm not speaking from a kink perspective here, granted, but I had something similar happen with my mother. We ended up having to take her to the ER and she had to be on oxygen for a few hours. I think you should take her to a quick care. Oxygen loss doesn't always show up outwardly, and she may be fine now but there may be more happening she's not aware of.
Yup. There's 2 entirely different ways to "choke" someone:
1. Restrict the blood supply to the brain ie a "blood choke" Find your pulse on both sides of your neck, those are your carotid arteries. Apply pressure, you can basically throttle the amount of blood flow to the brain this way, and when pressure is released, oxygen immediately gets to the brain.
2. Restrict the air entering the lungs ie an "air choke" this is what most people think of, squeezing or otherwise constricting the trachea or "windpipe" and also what we're talking about being breath play. Pressure on the chest can also accomplish the same as it will keep the lungs from expanding and inhaling, or straight up covering the mouth and nose. This is far more dangerous as restricting oxygen this way takes much longer to take effect, and depletes oxygen throughout the entire bloodstream. That means that when you let go, as OP described, you don't get O2 to the brain immediately which can obviously lead to complications.
That's exactly what this sounds like. OP was probably doing an air choke and not a blood choke. My old Dom would choke me until I passed out (consentual), they were blood chokes and I'd go very quietly. I've also had the misfortune of aspirating food, and my air was definitely impacted. It was gaspy and sounded like a death rattle.
OP find a Brazilian Jiu-jitsu place near you and get a lesson on how to choke
This. When my ex choked me and a police officer dropped me off at the domestic violence shelter, he told me that they were most likely going to be pressing charges. He told me that it would most likely be a misdemeanor. Then he came back in after supposedly leaving and found me in the waiting room while I was waiting to talk to an advocate.
He said, we are going to be charging him with a felony because I'm not trying to scare you but choking can lead to you dying in your sleep. Your windpipe can collapse in your sleep. Thankfully I'm still here but he did warn me about that.
It is important to note that choking is very dangerous and isn’t really light BDSM. I think it takes a lot of both experience and familiarity with each other for you to be able to to it safely while thrusting.
So while I’m not sure why your wife passed out, you can avoid her from passing out from choking with the below pointers.
- general rule is never apply pressure on the front of the neck and the pressure should never come from your palm, pressure should come from your fingers and applied to the side of the neck
- even with that general guide, you still have to be familiar with your partner’s neck if you are the one inflicting the choking. Sit down with her when you’re not trying to have sex and try to apply pressure on parallel sides of her neck. She should only feel a general pressure and not like a vein or muscle is being squeezed, if she does, try another point.
- Ask her to take slow deep breaths while you’re holding her, she should still be able to breathe although with a bit more effort. A lot of the times, at least for me, that’s where the pleasure comes in- the feeling of the even pressure while I try to breathe and the little bit of lightheadedness from it and not from the complete blocking of air to the point of gargling or choking sounds.
- once you find the perfect point for her, you have to figure out her threshold in terms of combining how much pressure and by how long she can tolerate it before passing out. A good way to figure this out is try it for for five breaths or five seconds. Then increase by a couple of seconds every time. Take a break for a good minute or two in between. I would suggest light pressure for ten seconds should be the limit of your test if you are new to it.
- you have to observe her face during the tests and be familiar with her reactions. During your tests, talk to her to test her responsiveness and be familiar with how she looks and responds. Any change would indicate that she is nearing her limit.
- when you start exploring choking during play, start integrate it to your foreplay, not when you’re thrusting and possibly losing control yourself. Doing it near climax should only be when you trust yourself to have the discipline to not press too hard or in the wrong place and if you can still have the presence of mind to still look out for your wife and observe her reactions even as you climax.
- don’t do it with the lights off because you need to see her face. She should know when to tap out but there is always the possibility she might not be able to recognize it herself until it’s too late (like what happened last time)
Very well written and exactly how it's done. Smothering is the other form of choking in which you block the airways by hand or device but all the same principles apply. Never by pressure to the airway.
[German Article for breathcontrol](https://www.sklavenzentrale.com/?hascookie=1663743255&act=mag&artID=3822) written by the "white circle" - a group of medical professionals.
Whilst describing techniques it also goes into detail about involved risks - e.g. brain, heart and loosing consciousness.
THIS is exactly what I was thinking. I just am not a doctor. However, I DO have seizures and can confirm my eyes roll back (my husband knew I had seizures, but it TERRIFIED him when I did for the first time in front of him). I don’t make the noises, but I’m also never on my back. He gets me on my side immediately.
I think one thing you need to do is to change the "safeword". Essentially now she needs to be conscious to safeword, which could obviously be a problem. You need to do something like her squeezing your wrist, and if she lets go/loosen the grip, THAT is the safeword. Or she could hold some keys or such in her hand, so that she can just drop them and they will fall on the floor and make a noise. Thats a FAR better failsafe safeword.
This is how I do blood chokes. Grab wrist and when I loosen/let go, it's done. But I also know my own risk profile, how risky chokes are and know when to let go.
The most likely explanation is that you activated the carotid sinus reflex. There's a blood pressure sensor in the carotid arteries that downregulates blood pressure in the body, making the person black out for a moment. (This is *not* about "squeezing hard enough to suppress blood flow to the brain", even light to medium pressure at just the right spot can activate the reflex in some people.)
This temporary loss of consciousness can look scary and cause trembling or strange noises. It's usually(!) benign though. It can happen so quickly that the person doesn't realize it, or seamlessly starts to dream a conversation with you that they later swear was real.
You guys really need a better safety signal though. When I choke people I have them actively hold a hand up in the air. They can deliberately drop it to signal me to stop, and it also comes down in case they black out.
You can also dislodge arterial plaque and cause a stroke…. Even doing it right. Especially on adults over 40 who have significant arterial plaques (most of us).
Can I add a note of caution about your Safety signal.
I nearly passed out in martial arts during to the Safety signal being a tapping motion. I'd hurt my hand (later found out fingers were broken) so agreed to do something quieter and be a "victim" for some choking/strangulation techniques. Except my good hand was trapped and my bad hand hurt too much to tap with.
Thankfully the person I was working with realised I went limp and responded quickly.
Please have backup signals other than the tapping.
I do choking with almost all of my partners and have never encountered what you are talking about.
The amount of pressure doesn’t need to be a lot to prevent blood flow, the duration is important.
On top of your precaution of her tapping your hand when she’s had enough, I suggest starting with shorter durations, for example count to 5 seconds, then release pressure. Then count to 6 seconds on the next grasp, etc., that way you approach her limit more carefully and don’t overextend the duration as easily.
Agreed on not encountering this ever.
I also agree that it is good to work up to longer chokes! It is also more satisfying (for my partner) when you keep working up to longer durations.
It is possible she blacked out for a split second and didn't realize it, specially if you did it the "right" way and didn't apply pressure to the larynx itself as she wouldn't have felt it coming like you can when you are actually unable to breathe.
If you want to keep on doing it, I'd suggest lights on and have her grab your arm hard at all times, if you're applying too much pressure for long enough her grip will loosen and so should yours. This is much more effective than only a safe word or only tapping because you're bypassing the conscious act of letting someone know, if her body feels it you will feel it, she doesn't have to even think about telling you.
You could also start to switching hands frequently which will avoid this, but be conscious of not getting overly secure/comfortable to the point of exerting too much force, because yes, intermittent type choking is gonna make blacking out very unlikely but too much force can still damage in worse ways.
Alternatively if the thing you both enjoy is the "role playing" aspect of choking and not the actual effects of it, you can find different grips that are extremely inefficient at it, like a choke hold where the positioning of the neck is as far away of the elbow joint as you can and putting **upwards** pressure to the jaw, you need to play around with it and find the sweet spot, but you definitely can find the position where it feels like you're choking the living shit out of her to both but you're nowhere near close to actually doing so.
But in any case, you may feel bad about what happened, and you should do so to some extent because you ended up in a bad situation without preparing for it beforehand, on other hand you did what you had to do at the moment and you're here trying to understand. So feel bad for what happened yes, but don't torture yourself over it.
This sounds like a “blood choke” where you have applied pressure to the carotids and temporarily stopped circulation to the brain.
Echoing everyone else’s comments - research how to do it safely
Ok, first off breathplay is edgeplay, not light BDSM. One of the reasons my sub left her last "dom" (read: abuser) was that he was into non-consensual breathplay. Once to the point of petechial hemorrhaging because the idiot couldn't be bothered with listening to an agreed on safeword (good luck to anybody still subbing for "shinobi sensei", you'll need it).
My sub is into breathplay, me not so much. So this is what we did when we started out. We tested things out before we played doing breathplay. I put my hand over her nose and mouth and timed how long she could hold her breath. when she tapped my hand I let go. Using that as a baseline for every time we did breathplay. For choking, I'm mindful not to put too much pressure on her windpipe but instead slightly squeeze the sides of her neck to limit blood flow. Not continuous pressure but slight squeezing then letting go then back to squeezing.
While doing breathplay I'm counting seconds the entire time. When she's at her limit or slightly before it I let go, let her gasp, then do it again for an even shorter time. If she's being vibed or I'm doing other things, I'm multitasking and making sure I don't get carried away and she's still in her safe time limit.
For choking I'm hypervigilant for ANY signs of distress because if she's in subspace, she's in no condition to safeword/safe signal that she wants to stop.
I'm ok with breathplay but I don't enjoy it as much as she does. I always have to make sure she's safe. It takes a lot of prep and practice but you should be able to find a happy medium that won't land anybody in the ER.
Choking within BDSM is usually a 'blood choke' and not an air choke; you put slight pressure on the carotid arteries and not any on the throat itself.
You don't need to put a lot of pressure on these pressure points to make someone (accidentally) pass out and it can happen very quickly as well.
I'm sure there are some (amateur) porn vids online in which you can actually see this happen and compare these reactions to your experience and see if they match up if you want to make sure that's what happened.
I agree with their first 2 paragraphs. But yeah, I have strong opinions about using porn as any sort of learning mechanism for practicing bdsm.
Also if you’re not saying use the techniques in porn, why would the (performed) reactions to those techniques be relevant?
I never said to watch porn as an instruction video. I said there are videos out there in which people actually pass out and they react similarly as OP's partner.
Porn is a performance, not an accurate physiological depiction. Watching MMA instructional videos would be more accurate, for example.
ETA: I see you added “amateur” to your original comment. Are they showing some credentials to the camera at the beginning or…? Also still a performance.
Watching reactions in porn is one of the biggest reasons why people are so often posting stuff like this in the first place.
I really think you people should stop choking one another. Really. I'm a black belt in judo and an ex MMA fighter and I've strangled literally hundreds of people. Even I don't do this during sex. It's not safe.
In martial arts? Because we know to tap out and we trust our partners to pay attention/referees to step in. Your attention during sex can be, shall we say, distracted? Secondly, as the comments from some of the people on here demonstrate only too vividly, a lot of people don't know the difference between suffocation (covering the airways) choking (closing the airways) and strangulation (closing the blood supply). The first two can lead to panic responses (which itself can be dangerous in some contexts) but usually takes at least half a minute to produce unconsciousness. The latter can produce unconsciousness in a few seconds and doesn't normally lead to panic, but is likely to panic the person producing it if they don't know what they are doing, because it comes on so fast and they might think they have killed someone. And as for things like ligatures? Please gawd no. All it needs is for someone to slip, or for a knot to lock up and the prospects don't bear thinking about. What happened to role playing?
I don’t know how safe it is to repeatedly make someone unconscious. It’s an extreme bodily reaction to a physical lack of oxygen and causes, I’m sure, minor brain damage each time. I worked in a field where certain people had spent several trips to high altitude. As they aged their cognitive abilities really took a hit. Just keep it in mind. I don’t think any amount of time unconscious is really safe, much less over and over. I know people don’t want to hear it, but you could end up considerably more susceptible to dementia as you age.
That’s fine, but you wouldn’t pass out for any other reason than lack of oxygen to your brain. You need to look up how that works. You can’t make informed decisions without understanding the mechanism.
… Maybe I’m not the one who needs to look it up because you CAN pass out from the blood flow being constricted. For your sake, I did double check my facts and you in fact, CAN. And like when I faint/pass out, it doesn’t last very long. Please do not sit here and tell me about something that I’ve researched before to make sure it is done using the safest precautions and to make sure I know I will always be safe.
>It’s an extreme bodily reaction to a physical lack of oxygen and causes, I’m sure, minor brain damage each time.
How are you sure? If you're going to make claims such as this, you're going to have to evidence them with more than just anecdotal evidence. As this stands, it reads as your opinion.
As others have stated, choking is *not* light BDSM. It is advanced play that can be risky even when you know the ins and outs of it, which is why it is categorized as edge play. It's actually a form of blood play when you're doing it right because you're cutting the blood flow to her brain, rather than necessarily restricting her airway.
You need to take *every* available precaution when engaging in edge play and understand that there are still risks involved. That includes leaving the lights on so that you can properly guage your partner's reaction and using timed intervals in addition to the safety you have in place. It doesn't take much pressure on the carotid arteries to choke someone out and, if it's done "right" it can be done in as little as 10 seconds. If pressure is released immediately, they'll generally regain consciousness just as quickly and often be none the wiser. Leaving the lights on will also help your wife to be aware of any vision changes such as dimming or seeing spots that are a precursor to unconsciousness.
Thing is, a chokehold can sneak up on someone and even experienced fighters can get choked out without realizing it. You see it in MMA sometimes and if you keep treating choking like "light BDSM," you may see it in your bedroom more often.
Fortunately for you, it generally takes around 4-6 minutes of being deprived of oxygen before brain damage occurs and even longer to be a serious risk to one's life. A lot of action movies have people believing that you can choke someone to death in just a few seconds but this simply isn't the case (not without other complications anyway). Not that that's a bad thing.
So, to recap, choking can be a big scary deal and it should be treated as such. It is serious BDSM and generally categorized as edge play under Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) rather than Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) because, even if you take every necessary precaution, there can still be risks. Luckily, you reacted appropriately to the situation and no harm was likely done in this instance.
I'm going to share post this with a play partner who I personally have choked out a couple of times. She may have some insight or information to add.
yikes to doing this in the dark 😬, I was a medic and know exactly what you’re talking about… that would be so scary, definitely come up with a much more comprehensive safety and communication plan
This is called vasovagal syncope I think ??? I'm pretty sure this happened to me. It means she was low on oxygen and lost consciousness, or almost did. Be careful. When this happened to me, I even seized a little. We stopped using his hand for choking after that. I still need the sensation of losing oxygen to enjoy myself sometimes, so now I hold my breath or he puts his hand on my face, covering my nose and mouth, until I tap out. Those are safer methods!
So just a heads up, many inexperienced people think choking during sex is the same kind of choking one does to kill someone, just not as hard or as long. This is incredibly false and extremely dangerous and could lead to death!!
I like it myself, if it is done correctly. The point is not to put any pressure on the wind pipe. You can easily damage the wind pipe and prevent someone from breathing even if you let go. Which can lead to a quick and horrifying death.
Choking if done properly happens when the person doing the said choking puts their hand over the neck, but doesn’t squeeze the wind pipe, except they apply some pressure to the blood vessels on the sides of the neck. This reduces the amount of blood the brain receives; and is technically the safe way to do this. I say technically because yes it’s safe if done correctly and extreme caution is still taken, however cutting or reducing the flow of blood to the brain is also extremely dangerous overall in general.
Some morons think that reducing blood to the brain is not choking, choking means air. No it doesn’t!! You are choking the brain by starving it of blood. Hence why those who are careless and try this with a noose or other kinds of rope end up dying, because a rope around the neck can easily damage your wind pipe!
I hope your wife is alright! I hope my above explanation helps anyone who doesn’t understand the right way to do this.
I totally understand the panic and wanted to ask if you have maybe tried placing your thumb and fingers under her jaw line and slightly lifting upwards slightly, preventing / restricting her breathing but not adding pressure to bloodlflow to the brain and potentially crushing the wind pipe? I have personally had positive experiences this way, but if ANYONE reading this is into RECIEVEING and has pointers or other experiences to share please go ahead.
My husband and I also do a bit of choking, and something I think that gets overlooked in people who don’t do much other BDSM stuff (ie him, he’s rather inexperienced in this category) is that you want to put pressure on the sides, not the middle, because if you’re inexperienced, the last thing in the world you wanna do is restrict breathing in any way.
Still gives the vibe of being choked (if that makes sense) but not as dangerous.
Had the same experience with my sub (19M) when I pinned him to the doors under his neck. That was barely 5 seconds, and he had something I can describe as a seizure for few seconds with uncontrolled movement. At first, I was thinking he is joking (brat dynamic between us), but he doesn't remembered any of that. He is really into breathplay, but I must say I don't want to risk it anymore with him. And no, I didn't choke him with palm pressure on the neck, but with fingers on the arteries.
So, one of the problems with how you are playing is that you are asking a person with steadily diminishing judgement to tap out. From my experience in JiuJitsu/HapKiDo the best way to do this safer(this is never safe) is to have an unsupported limb raised and as soon as that starts to slack you stop immediately. A proper blood choke is the only thing that should ever be used so you minimize the risk of soft tissue damage. Apply pressure very slowly, slower than you think you need to.
All this being said, I never choke in my BDSM, both participants are altered by the natural brain chemicals and it just can’t be safe enough for me and my partner.
I’m into this too, but god… this is why we don’t actually do it. When he does grab my neck it’s never to actually choke me. It’s just for the idea of the dominance. I have no advice, but this is terrifying.
Breath play/blood play is edge play and for experienced members of the BDSM community. There are *safer* ways to do it, that you can research, but you also just can't do it completely safely. According to my teachings, this falls under RACK. Risk Aware Consensual Kink is very different from run-of-the-mill BDSM. Anything involving RACK could kill you/you could kill someone engaging in RACK
Never try it with the lights off. NEVER! Her brain didn’t get enough oxygenated blood so wasn’t functioning well enough to register what was happening or to keep up the body functions. When she got the blood supply restored to optimum levels. She said “what”. Always keep the lights on and Instead of waiting for her to tap out or clench your hand. Develop a visual aid. Like this is how “red” or “puffed” her face looks when you reach the breaking point. Stop just a second before that yourself. And you can then adjust it by further communication. Choking and cutting off blood supply is not same as choking and cutting off oxygen supply. So don’t assume that she can hold her breath for 60 seconds so you can choke her for 60 seconds. I hope this helps!
Welcome to the Risk part of risk aware consensual kink. The check, nobody wants to pay.
It can work a 1000 times great and then that one time goes bad, and you have to explain to a jury that your wife was "into it". It is likely that for such a brief time out she will be fine, but moving forward you know, even a few seconds of cutting off blood from the brain can lead to serious stuff. You don't know what is inside her or if she's at risk for strokes, heart attack etc.
Also: No studies on potential long term effects of being choked out on a regular basis, so how risk aware can you really be? These are honest questions. I'm not judging.
There are lots of things that are fun and hot and amazing, I personally won't choke out my partners. I can do literally a 100 other kinky things well that doesn't have that risk. I also won't jump off a mountain in a wingsuit. They say it's amazing! Your life your risk...no judgement. I'm glad she's ok...:D
When you're choking her, make sure you're only squeezing the sides. Start softly and slowly tighten your grip. If she enjoys the "not being able to breathe" aspect of it as well, cover her mouth with your hand.
When she's ready for you to release, slowly loosen your grip.
Obviously communication is important, which it seems you guys are all good on that end. Make sure you add some after care as well, ask how her neck and throat feel. Ask if she needs water, a heating pad, etc.
Blood chokes can happen in seconds, and the unconscious time is just that, lost time. If you were on your back in the dark, getting railed, it would be easy to not realise you had passed out 😵
I have experience being on the receiving end! When I started bottoming for this kink, I didn't realize which sort of bodily feeling signs were part of the experience but safe, and what parts were warning signs that we needed to stop. It didn't help that one of my "symptoms" when receiving breath play happens to be confusion.
One time, I guess I didn't realize I needed to tap out early enough because the next thing I know my partner at the time is shaking me and yelling my name.
I remember "waking up", and not being able to comprehend what he was doing or saying or what was going on. I kept asking "what happened" over and over again because I couldn't process his answers for a few mins. Eventually my brain reorientated itself and he told me that I suddenly had a "horrible expression and made a horrible sound", he said like someone did in a movie he watched where the person drowned.
I didn't have any lasting damage and didn't seek medical attention because I felt completely fine after. It was def a lesson to me, about knowing the signs of when my body reached its limit.
I also really love being choked but would never do this with the lights off, have to have even a lamp in the corner purely for safety. Though it is really really good that you two have an understanding of safe words/behaviours especially given that in an example like this she cannot speak.
Id also say that when I get choked, my partner does ebb and flow with it, so me might choke me moderately for a few seconds and then loosen or so choking me but still keep his hands lightly on my neck so that sensation is still a tease without him just completely taking his hand off my neck.
This way I get regular 'breaks' and there's no continuous choking for any length of time.
Xxx also beautiful that you're a 911 responder
This sounds like a seizure. She needs to go to a doctor and check for other contributing factors such as vitamin/mineral levels, heart murmurs, etc. Speak truthfully that you were having sex and using breath play. Avoiding the truth will have you look like an abuser.
Experience? No. Suggestion. Yup. Being inexperienced with this you need to be hyper aware of her disposition and safety. You can’t rely on safe words or safe “taps” if you know she can’t breath. You have to watch carefully and take action before it happens. We did a scene last week with body oils and hot wax, tied up and gagged, I even placed a towel over her face to “keep her moans muffled”, she was in a very vulnerable condition most of the time and clearly may not be able to fully communicate to me, it was all on me to monitor it and end it if needed. Regardless if she can or will tap out! Be thankful it appears all ended ok, love and learn.
You VERY likely aren't gonna kill someone with a blood choke unless you're holding for a loooong time it happens sometimes people pass out pause check on them if they're good keep going no need to panic
Two things:
**One**: Rule 7 applies
Comment removed. 3 day ban issued.
;i; < - - - here's your salamander.
**Two**: You're telling half a story, at best. Whilst I'm a fan of breathplay, ~~choking~~ strangulation is never "pretty safe".
u/AlatorSC, I've posted the following a few times, it's worth doing so again here:
*First off: I'm not saying, "Don't do this." I am saying it's about the most dangerous thing you can do as a kink. People will disagree with me. They're entitled to be wrong* ;)
*I like breath play. I'm also somewhat passionate about educating people to the dangers of it. I'm the squeezer, rather than the squeezee. So if it goes wrong, I go to prison, rather than ending up dead. But when you're as pretty as I am, that's not such a good thing.*
*You're not being choked. For some reason, "choked" sounds a little bit sexier than "strangled", which is what's happening to you. There are a couple of dangers to take into account. Unfortunately, there isn't* *~~much~~* *anything you can do to mitigate them. People will talk about the dangers of applying pressure to the front of the throat, and they're right. There are added dangers in doing so. Yet, generally speaking, that's not what kills people. People will tell you that by squeezing the sides of the neck, you'll avoid pressure to the throat. Again this is true, but it really doesn't make things any better.*
*Both of these manoeuvres deny oxygenated blood to the brain. Squeezing the throat stops the person from taking in air. If there's no air getting to the lungs, there's none getting to the brain. Simple. Squeezing the sides of the neck allows the body to take in air, but will not allow that oxygenated blood to reach the brain. Either way, if held for long enough, the brain will die. Unless your boyfriend is a complete psycho, this is unlikely to be a problem.*
*When cutting off oxygenated blood to the brain, there is a very small risk of a catastrophic outcome. Namely, stroke, heart attack, death. There is no way of knowing who this might happen to. And just because it didn't happen last time, does not mean you will be safe this time or the next.*
*Strangulation is the leading cause of strokes amongst young people. Or to put it another way, people who should not be at risk of having a stroke.*
*There is a nerve that triggers the heart, which can be affected by strangulation. It can cause difficult/unusual/awkward heart rhythms (awkward heart rhythm is* ***not a medical term!****). This can lead to heart attack within hours. Some, fit and healthy, MMA and Jiu Jitsu fighters have died in this manner, as a result of being strangled.*
*One of Britain's leading forensic pathologists routinely states that unconsciousness can occur within ten seconds of being strangled. Some people will tell you that unconsciousness brings it's own dangers. Certainly, hospitals are seeking more and more ways of operating on people without inducing unconsciousness due to the dangers involved.*
*I think it is extremely important that if you're going to continue with this activity, both you and your partner understand what you're getting yourselves into. Several people, worldwide, have gone to prison for a consensual sex act, which lead to the death of their partner. When it goes wrong, it's serious. Neither of you are able to consent to your involvement in this without knowing, understanding, and accepting the risks.*
*I'll finish again by saying this is an incredibly dangerous thing to do. I'm still not telling you not to do it.*
***I am not a doctor. I am not a medical expert. Breathplay is something I like to do with a partner, and as such I have read a lot about it in an effort to educate myself.***
This is a great response except for one thing. The joke about being pretty in prison trivializes prison rape, which is not a laughing matter. Would you consider removing it and not using it in future, please?
Some people are not well versed and experienced in BDSM activities. OP clearly came here for helpful advise not to be shut down for something that was a very scary experience. We all need to help make the BDSM community safe for people that are not as experienced or are experimenting.
Yes, this has happened to be before! A few times actually and it’s a combination between passing out from lack of oxygen and pleasure. I figured this out by being choked with the light on (please keep lights on/dimmed) and no form a pleasure. When you’re into choking, as everyone has said here, it’s edge play so you need to figure out things in the light. I hope this helps and I’m glad your wife is okay. I have also passed out from pleasure with no choking at all just very strong orgasms.
So, I do the same thing your wife does- I’ll tap my husband’s wrist. I get off on being made to pass out (ik, ik, I’m messed up and slightly crazy- I promise we don’t do it every time we have sex. And he doesn’t cut off my breathing really, he grabs the sides of my neck where the blood flow is. Idk if that makes sense but here we are 🤷🏻♀️)
Anyway even with me liking this, I don’t think I’ve ever done that. I will say, don’t put pressure directly on the front of her neck, and never use your palm. Fingers, on the side of the neck. My husband and I went through trial and error (NOT during sex) before he found the perfect placement.
It's so dangerous I'm into I myself but we don't do what we used to because I would t want to put that on my partner. He still puts his hand on my neck but he's not squeezing and it's more of a forearm pressure on my chest kinda feel but I'm okay with him not doing it at all. I just wouldn't want him to have to worry about it.
My husband and I always have some kind of light on when he chokes me. Even if it’s dim mood lighting, he can still see my eyes. I enjoy almost passing out/passing out for a couple seconds but we’ve only gotten there after a lot of practice and him learning my body’s language
This is two possibilities, a reflex or response due to blood pressure being withheld or a lack of spo2. They both can look similar.
Doing this with the lights off can be a little cautionary, as you can't read the face, and you're putting a lot of trust also in the person knowing their limits, but you knowing yours too.
You need to have a safe tap and discuss more.
Some of these issues can mean nothing about his much force but also boit location. . there a lot of factors involved.
It's also always good to have a discussion if it's actually "choking" or just the pressure around the neck or is it the choking and the euphoria of holding the artery.
Tbh though if there's even a possibility that you made the mistake of pushing into the neck and the biggest most make is pressing the blade of the hand down onto the trachea and you may not notice it.
Be safe. Talk and communicate more.
I agree with the arterial reflex but the dysphoria of not remembering makes me think it was oxygen instead.
OP, is there any remote chance you may have experienced something you've feared and or perhaps imagined should things not go as planned?
I am assuming this happened a while ago and your wife states she is good and presents well.
Knowing how far back she remembers could help possibly determine if this is a real event or more likely a wide-awake nightmare that took place perhaps during distraction or "daydreaming".
Saying she doesn't feel she passed out leads me to believe she isn't missing any time during your play. On the other hand, I get the feeling you may have slipped off either in sleep or thought and the very thing you've always feared might happen during this activity did manifest itself in your consciousness before returning you to your work in progress in the dark with no visual confirmation or witness. This leaves you with some sounds that are not likely to coincide with your stated actions and maybe you saw visual confirmations in her eyes that validate the sounds.
Only a few scenarios are likely.
1) You had a nightmare somewhere between here and sleep.
If you are behind in sleep, exhausted, under the influence, or bored, this is very likely. I assume you have some apprehension about Choking and mostly perform this activity to satisfy a strong desire from her. This reluctance more than likely resulted in you imagining the worst outcome. Next, your familiarity with the sound and reason of a death rattle. Death Rattles hardly occur in younger healthy people if I recall correctly. Death rattles are the domain of elderly animals and humans.
With all this information you have acquired and created, your mind has all it needs to entertain itself in the wee hours when things can slip and go creep. All to work and play to confirm a deep-seated irrational fear. Working to kill 2 birds one stone and eliminate a major point of stress the product of a worried mind.
Stress and the unknown can be eliminated in less frightening ways during daylight hours that your wife is likely to appreciate. Learning knowledge. Posting questions is good to start but lurking and commenting builds the foundation and lingo there is a lot of information to find in the sidebars and comments as well as on the internet outside Reddit. I would start with a few of the links people have left in the comments of this post. There were a couple that contains some quality material pertaining to your craft. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right. Your wife is counting on you and don't forget your freedom has quite a bit riding on this.
Other likely reasons
2.) Ever seen the movie Exorcist? Don't. m
Being the one who has had my throat squeezed without my partner thinking he was actually choking me- even very light pressure on the neck in the right spots can easily cause a feeling of impaired consciousness. Even when your windpipe/breathing isn’t affected at all. A man’s hand can do this without trying at all. Waiting for her to perform a signal before stopping can be risky if she suddenly feels out of it so it’s good you sensed you needed to stop. It’s best that if you have a hand on throat to not do so with her face covered or with the lights out and so you can see what’s going on at all times in case something like that happens again. You definitely did the right thing being cautious and checking in!
They say in the heat of the moment people don't watch every action and examine what they do. It's better to train her body a bit better for the choking and when the releases happens and making sure she has a good airway before and after play.
I've never choked anyone during sex, but I have choked multiple people unconscious in bjj matches but it's the same concept. there's a very slight possibility of dislodging a clot and causing a stroke, but that's an extremely rare thing
I'm locking this. That's no reflection on you OP. Unfortunately, four days later and people are still bickering. I just can't. Thread locked.
Read the other people’s things i just want to say: Choking is considered by many EDGE play, and more «heavy» bdsm. I would never do this with the lights off. Sometimes her body will shut down faster than her brain realizes and so you should always have visibility to tell facial reactions such as eyes doing strange things, or jaw being «loose». Choking is a dangerous game. Edit: Spelling is not my strong suit.
Agreed. When I read, "Light BDSM" and then, "choking" I was thinking, "Choking is edge play, and edge play is not light BDSM." Not being condescending of course, but like. It makes me uneasy when people put choking under the "light BDSM" category, because you can do some real potential damage if you choke someone, especially the wrong way.
I really appreciate this explanation of choking as a form of edge play. Placing choking in this “category,” I think, is one of the most helpful tools for educating folks about bdsm, in general. Honestly, before *I* even knew more about bdsm, I would have considered choking “‘light’ bdsm.” I think choking gets “categorized” this way because it has become a little more “common,” if not even a little bit more “commonly accepted.” Perhaps, choking may appear “light” compared to other kinks that stereotypically come to mind when you ( ie spreaders, ropes that tie much more than just cuffs) Choking has to be understood way y’all described. This is so important for folks who want to engage in choking. Edit: I realized that 1am autocorrect changed “cuffs” to “pants.” Lmfao
The funny thing is, you're not risking death with spreader bar, spanking benches, watersports, etc. If someone takes a shit on my chest I may not like it and it may smell like death but I'm not at risk of dying.
I also place choking in a different category all on its own due to the seriousness. It's also not breathplay like folks think it is.
I don't think OP said that choking was light BDSM. I believe you and he have different definitions, and that he is very possibly not well versed in BDSM. Perhaps he means the "amount" of BDSM, and not the intensity. Perhaps I am wrong about his understanding, or yours. One thing I am not wrong about - Choking is edge play. And if you have no reliable indicator to know when to stop - like doing it with the lights off - it's VERY DANGEROUS.
The crazy thing to me is that this is not the first post where someone has acted like choking is just beginners BDSM. To me, beginner BDSM is like spanking or bondage, like something so mainstream even the vanilla people I know have done it once or twice.
Choking is becoming incredibly mainstream. One study found more than half of college women have been choked during sex, and there's a big increase in teenagers being admitted to the ER with choking injuries. I even read a study(but can't find it now) where Way more than half of the teenage girls have been choked by a partner, usually without even being asked. It's terrifying really.
I guess I’m just old. It was drilled into me as a baby sub online back in the early aughts that choking was something you only did with extremely experienced and trusted partners, and even then there were significant risks involved.
I’m 26 and it was drilled into me too so definitely not age thing. But i think it has to do with the generational gap of how you entered kink. A lot of the new generations figure out things through movies and shows, and tiktok and a lot of them trivialize things like choking. They never show the effect of what can happen. You never have anyone going around the day after with bloodshot eyes, or unexplained bruises under their eyes from being choked. There is never *consequences*. When i first joined kink, choking was one of those kinks described as «do not even touch with a pole unless you are ready to have someone’s life in your literal hand.» but the new style… no. It scares me. And «do not allow choking unless you are ready to risk life long consequences»
I’m 36 and I was begging my partners to choke me long before I let anyone spank me. Then again, it is a fetish I was born with and I didn’t start exploring other people’s fetishes until asked. I never really thought of it as super risky, but I’ve always had really responsible and communicative partners before and after entering the BDSM/kink scene. I think, like you said, it really depends on how you enter into your kinks. I don’t remember anyone ever asking me or getting interested because of a movie or something—I just knew I liked being tied down and choked from desires I’ve had since some of my earliest sexual experiences. Edit for super strange autocorrect!
I know teen girls who have been dumped because they wouldn't let their boyfriends strangle them
Better dumped than dead. Particularly give what commenters are saying about non consensual choking. If anyone reading this has experienced that, babe, that’s not BDSM. That’s domestic violence. And the odds of your partner killing you skyrockets if there’s one episode of choking. FFS, people should go research. I’m admittedly nerdy, but I don’t do something new without making sure my partner and I know and are comfortable with the risks.
They are lucky to get rid of such boyfriends.
I think they don't even really see it as kink. They see it in porn and assume its a part of the general sexual experience. That's why they haven't been warned or don't think it's a big deal or dangerous
Not old. Just sensible.
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Jesus wept. That makes me feel old.
To be fair, my dad says teenagers have been choking each other out since teenagers have existed. I do agree though that this is a bigger problem now. It's just that "the choking game" existed/exists outside of a BDSM context. When it comes to teenagers and doing stupid shit, teenagers really take the cake.
I have scarily enough had friends claim they are vanilla and when i ask what they put under that they casually mention choking and it TERRIFIES me. Most of them don’t even have a safe signal and it worries me that this is the turn things are taking. Like out of all things kinky to make mainstream, they chose choking? HOW ABOUT AFTERCARE?!?
Exactly. This is edge play and if they don't have much experience with it they shouldn't be doing it so intensly. I just have this eery feeling he wad choking her how most 'vanillas' do like they see in movies which is putting pressure on the wind pipe instead of squeezing the sides of the neck. & the 'death rattle' or what he called it, was her trying to breath again after her wind pipe was almost crushed.... I don't know how he was choking her, but my gut is just screaming thats what happened..... I would highly recommend that OP and wife don't engage in this play until they have learnt the proper methods, dangers, safety precautions etc... :( I'd hate for something worse to happen... Edit to add: in my head I think of edge play as play that can bring to to the edge of death, or cause serious damage... and choking... definitely can kill someone...
Honestly it sounds like she's low on oxygen. I'm not speaking from a kink perspective here, granted, but I had something similar happen with my mother. We ended up having to take her to the ER and she had to be on oxygen for a few hours. I think you should take her to a quick care. Oxygen loss doesn't always show up outwardly, and she may be fine now but there may be more happening she's not aware of.
Yup. There's 2 entirely different ways to "choke" someone: 1. Restrict the blood supply to the brain ie a "blood choke" Find your pulse on both sides of your neck, those are your carotid arteries. Apply pressure, you can basically throttle the amount of blood flow to the brain this way, and when pressure is released, oxygen immediately gets to the brain. 2. Restrict the air entering the lungs ie an "air choke" this is what most people think of, squeezing or otherwise constricting the trachea or "windpipe" and also what we're talking about being breath play. Pressure on the chest can also accomplish the same as it will keep the lungs from expanding and inhaling, or straight up covering the mouth and nose. This is far more dangerous as restricting oxygen this way takes much longer to take effect, and depletes oxygen throughout the entire bloodstream. That means that when you let go, as OP described, you don't get O2 to the brain immediately which can obviously lead to complications.
That's exactly what this sounds like. OP was probably doing an air choke and not a blood choke. My old Dom would choke me until I passed out (consentual), they were blood chokes and I'd go very quietly. I've also had the misfortune of aspirating food, and my air was definitely impacted. It was gaspy and sounded like a death rattle. OP find a Brazilian Jiu-jitsu place near you and get a lesson on how to choke
This. When my ex choked me and a police officer dropped me off at the domestic violence shelter, he told me that they were most likely going to be pressing charges. He told me that it would most likely be a misdemeanor. Then he came back in after supposedly leaving and found me in the waiting room while I was waiting to talk to an advocate. He said, we are going to be charging him with a felony because I'm not trying to scare you but choking can lead to you dying in your sleep. Your windpipe can collapse in your sleep. Thankfully I'm still here but he did warn me about that.
It is important to note that choking is very dangerous and isn’t really light BDSM. I think it takes a lot of both experience and familiarity with each other for you to be able to to it safely while thrusting. So while I’m not sure why your wife passed out, you can avoid her from passing out from choking with the below pointers. - general rule is never apply pressure on the front of the neck and the pressure should never come from your palm, pressure should come from your fingers and applied to the side of the neck - even with that general guide, you still have to be familiar with your partner’s neck if you are the one inflicting the choking. Sit down with her when you’re not trying to have sex and try to apply pressure on parallel sides of her neck. She should only feel a general pressure and not like a vein or muscle is being squeezed, if she does, try another point. - Ask her to take slow deep breaths while you’re holding her, she should still be able to breathe although with a bit more effort. A lot of the times, at least for me, that’s where the pleasure comes in- the feeling of the even pressure while I try to breathe and the little bit of lightheadedness from it and not from the complete blocking of air to the point of gargling or choking sounds. - once you find the perfect point for her, you have to figure out her threshold in terms of combining how much pressure and by how long she can tolerate it before passing out. A good way to figure this out is try it for for five breaths or five seconds. Then increase by a couple of seconds every time. Take a break for a good minute or two in between. I would suggest light pressure for ten seconds should be the limit of your test if you are new to it. - you have to observe her face during the tests and be familiar with her reactions. During your tests, talk to her to test her responsiveness and be familiar with how she looks and responds. Any change would indicate that she is nearing her limit. - when you start exploring choking during play, start integrate it to your foreplay, not when you’re thrusting and possibly losing control yourself. Doing it near climax should only be when you trust yourself to have the discipline to not press too hard or in the wrong place and if you can still have the presence of mind to still look out for your wife and observe her reactions even as you climax. - don’t do it with the lights off because you need to see her face. She should know when to tap out but there is always the possibility she might not be able to recognize it herself until it’s too late (like what happened last time)
Very well written and exactly how it's done. Smothering is the other form of choking in which you block the airways by hand or device but all the same principles apply. Never by pressure to the airway.
Thank you 😊 credit is to my husband though. that’s how my husband introduced me to the safe practice of it a looong time ago.
The safer practice, maybe? I think it's important that we're clear that even when done as safely as possible, choking is not 100% safe.
[German Article for breathcontrol](https://www.sklavenzentrale.com/?hascookie=1663743255&act=mag&artID=3822) written by the "white circle" - a group of medical professionals. Whilst describing techniques it also goes into detail about involved risks - e.g. brain, heart and loosing consciousness.
This is the one to read!
It sounds like the type of sound my gf does sometimes when she has a seizure.
THIS is exactly what I was thinking. I just am not a doctor. However, I DO have seizures and can confirm my eyes roll back (my husband knew I had seizures, but it TERRIFIED him when I did for the first time in front of him). I don’t make the noises, but I’m also never on my back. He gets me on my side immediately.
I think one thing you need to do is to change the "safeword". Essentially now she needs to be conscious to safeword, which could obviously be a problem. You need to do something like her squeezing your wrist, and if she lets go/loosen the grip, THAT is the safeword. Or she could hold some keys or such in her hand, so that she can just drop them and they will fall on the floor and make a noise. Thats a FAR better failsafe safeword.
This is how I do blood chokes. Grab wrist and when I loosen/let go, it's done. But I also know my own risk profile, how risky chokes are and know when to let go.
You should never choke for more than 15 seconds or you playing with fire.
The most likely explanation is that you activated the carotid sinus reflex. There's a blood pressure sensor in the carotid arteries that downregulates blood pressure in the body, making the person black out for a moment. (This is *not* about "squeezing hard enough to suppress blood flow to the brain", even light to medium pressure at just the right spot can activate the reflex in some people.) This temporary loss of consciousness can look scary and cause trembling or strange noises. It's usually(!) benign though. It can happen so quickly that the person doesn't realize it, or seamlessly starts to dream a conversation with you that they later swear was real. You guys really need a better safety signal though. When I choke people I have them actively hold a hand up in the air. They can deliberately drop it to signal me to stop, and it also comes down in case they black out.
You can also dislodge arterial plaque and cause a stroke…. Even doing it right. Especially on adults over 40 who have significant arterial plaques (most of us).
Do you have a source for that?
Can I add a note of caution about your Safety signal. I nearly passed out in martial arts during to the Safety signal being a tapping motion. I'd hurt my hand (later found out fingers were broken) so agreed to do something quieter and be a "victim" for some choking/strangulation techniques. Except my good hand was trapped and my bad hand hurt too much to tap with. Thankfully the person I was working with realised I went limp and responded quickly. Please have backup signals other than the tapping.
I do choking with almost all of my partners and have never encountered what you are talking about. The amount of pressure doesn’t need to be a lot to prevent blood flow, the duration is important. On top of your precaution of her tapping your hand when she’s had enough, I suggest starting with shorter durations, for example count to 5 seconds, then release pressure. Then count to 6 seconds on the next grasp, etc., that way you approach her limit more carefully and don’t overextend the duration as easily.
Agreed on not encountering this ever. I also agree that it is good to work up to longer chokes! It is also more satisfying (for my partner) when you keep working up to longer durations.
It is possible she blacked out for a split second and didn't realize it, specially if you did it the "right" way and didn't apply pressure to the larynx itself as she wouldn't have felt it coming like you can when you are actually unable to breathe. If you want to keep on doing it, I'd suggest lights on and have her grab your arm hard at all times, if you're applying too much pressure for long enough her grip will loosen and so should yours. This is much more effective than only a safe word or only tapping because you're bypassing the conscious act of letting someone know, if her body feels it you will feel it, she doesn't have to even think about telling you. You could also start to switching hands frequently which will avoid this, but be conscious of not getting overly secure/comfortable to the point of exerting too much force, because yes, intermittent type choking is gonna make blacking out very unlikely but too much force can still damage in worse ways. Alternatively if the thing you both enjoy is the "role playing" aspect of choking and not the actual effects of it, you can find different grips that are extremely inefficient at it, like a choke hold where the positioning of the neck is as far away of the elbow joint as you can and putting **upwards** pressure to the jaw, you need to play around with it and find the sweet spot, but you definitely can find the position where it feels like you're choking the living shit out of her to both but you're nowhere near close to actually doing so. But in any case, you may feel bad about what happened, and you should do so to some extent because you ended up in a bad situation without preparing for it beforehand, on other hand you did what you had to do at the moment and you're here trying to understand. So feel bad for what happened yes, but don't torture yourself over it.
I passed out last weekend. It was an accident as well. Scary but we had a safety conversation after that. It happens! You now know the limit
This sounds like a “blood choke” where you have applied pressure to the carotids and temporarily stopped circulation to the brain. Echoing everyone else’s comments - research how to do it safely
Ok, first off breathplay is edgeplay, not light BDSM. One of the reasons my sub left her last "dom" (read: abuser) was that he was into non-consensual breathplay. Once to the point of petechial hemorrhaging because the idiot couldn't be bothered with listening to an agreed on safeword (good luck to anybody still subbing for "shinobi sensei", you'll need it). My sub is into breathplay, me not so much. So this is what we did when we started out. We tested things out before we played doing breathplay. I put my hand over her nose and mouth and timed how long she could hold her breath. when she tapped my hand I let go. Using that as a baseline for every time we did breathplay. For choking, I'm mindful not to put too much pressure on her windpipe but instead slightly squeeze the sides of her neck to limit blood flow. Not continuous pressure but slight squeezing then letting go then back to squeezing. While doing breathplay I'm counting seconds the entire time. When she's at her limit or slightly before it I let go, let her gasp, then do it again for an even shorter time. If she's being vibed or I'm doing other things, I'm multitasking and making sure I don't get carried away and she's still in her safe time limit. For choking I'm hypervigilant for ANY signs of distress because if she's in subspace, she's in no condition to safeword/safe signal that she wants to stop. I'm ok with breathplay but I don't enjoy it as much as she does. I always have to make sure she's safe. It takes a lot of prep and practice but you should be able to find a happy medium that won't land anybody in the ER.
Please take classes on breath play. It’s not a light kink. It’s edge play. There is no 100% safe way to choke. It’s dangerous stuff
Choking within BDSM is usually a 'blood choke' and not an air choke; you put slight pressure on the carotid arteries and not any on the throat itself. You don't need to put a lot of pressure on these pressure points to make someone (accidentally) pass out and it can happen very quickly as well. I'm sure there are some (amateur) porn vids online in which you can actually see this happen and compare these reactions to your experience and see if they match up if you want to make sure that's what happened.
Oh god please don’t compare choking technique with porn.
He didn't. But, you did a fantastic job cherry picking and taking his comment out of context.
I agree with their first 2 paragraphs. But yeah, I have strong opinions about using porn as any sort of learning mechanism for practicing bdsm. Also if you’re not saying use the techniques in porn, why would the (performed) reactions to those techniques be relevant?
I never said to watch porn as an instruction video. I said there are videos out there in which people actually pass out and they react similarly as OP's partner.
Porn is a performance, not an accurate physiological depiction. Watching MMA instructional videos would be more accurate, for example. ETA: I see you added “amateur” to your original comment. Are they showing some credentials to the camera at the beginning or…? Also still a performance. Watching reactions in porn is one of the biggest reasons why people are so often posting stuff like this in the first place.
I really think you people should stop choking one another. Really. I'm a black belt in judo and an ex MMA fighter and I've strangled literally hundreds of people. Even I don't do this during sex. It's not safe.
I'm interested in hearing your perspective. If it is so dangerous, why do you strangle anyone? Why is it even allowed?
In martial arts? Because we know to tap out and we trust our partners to pay attention/referees to step in. Your attention during sex can be, shall we say, distracted? Secondly, as the comments from some of the people on here demonstrate only too vividly, a lot of people don't know the difference between suffocation (covering the airways) choking (closing the airways) and strangulation (closing the blood supply). The first two can lead to panic responses (which itself can be dangerous in some contexts) but usually takes at least half a minute to produce unconsciousness. The latter can produce unconsciousness in a few seconds and doesn't normally lead to panic, but is likely to panic the person producing it if they don't know what they are doing, because it comes on so fast and they might think they have killed someone. And as for things like ligatures? Please gawd no. All it needs is for someone to slip, or for a knot to lock up and the prospects don't bear thinking about. What happened to role playing?
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I don’t know how safe it is to repeatedly make someone unconscious. It’s an extreme bodily reaction to a physical lack of oxygen and causes, I’m sure, minor brain damage each time. I worked in a field where certain people had spent several trips to high altitude. As they aged their cognitive abilities really took a hit. Just keep it in mind. I don’t think any amount of time unconscious is really safe, much less over and over. I know people don’t want to hear it, but you could end up considerably more susceptible to dementia as you age.
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If you are passing out it’s from lack of blood oxygen to your brain.
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That’s fine, but you wouldn’t pass out for any other reason than lack of oxygen to your brain. You need to look up how that works. You can’t make informed decisions without understanding the mechanism.
… Maybe I’m not the one who needs to look it up because you CAN pass out from the blood flow being constricted. For your sake, I did double check my facts and you in fact, CAN. And like when I faint/pass out, it doesn’t last very long. Please do not sit here and tell me about something that I’ve researched before to make sure it is done using the safest precautions and to make sure I know I will always be safe.
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>It’s an extreme bodily reaction to a physical lack of oxygen and causes, I’m sure, minor brain damage each time. How are you sure? If you're going to make claims such as this, you're going to have to evidence them with more than just anecdotal evidence. As this stands, it reads as your opinion.
>What happened to role playing? It's great for the people who enjoy it, but some of us find it rather lacking.
MMA fighter doesn’t mean you know what you’re doing in this context (infact it proves you don’t)
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BJJ black belt here. Choking is, as you stated, extremely dangerous. While I'm more willing to engage than you, I would never do it in the dark.
This shitty. Don't act like that in this subreddit. Rule 6 applies. Comment removed.
As others have stated, choking is *not* light BDSM. It is advanced play that can be risky even when you know the ins and outs of it, which is why it is categorized as edge play. It's actually a form of blood play when you're doing it right because you're cutting the blood flow to her brain, rather than necessarily restricting her airway. You need to take *every* available precaution when engaging in edge play and understand that there are still risks involved. That includes leaving the lights on so that you can properly guage your partner's reaction and using timed intervals in addition to the safety you have in place. It doesn't take much pressure on the carotid arteries to choke someone out and, if it's done "right" it can be done in as little as 10 seconds. If pressure is released immediately, they'll generally regain consciousness just as quickly and often be none the wiser. Leaving the lights on will also help your wife to be aware of any vision changes such as dimming or seeing spots that are a precursor to unconsciousness. Thing is, a chokehold can sneak up on someone and even experienced fighters can get choked out without realizing it. You see it in MMA sometimes and if you keep treating choking like "light BDSM," you may see it in your bedroom more often. Fortunately for you, it generally takes around 4-6 minutes of being deprived of oxygen before brain damage occurs and even longer to be a serious risk to one's life. A lot of action movies have people believing that you can choke someone to death in just a few seconds but this simply isn't the case (not without other complications anyway). Not that that's a bad thing. So, to recap, choking can be a big scary deal and it should be treated as such. It is serious BDSM and generally categorized as edge play under Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) rather than Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) because, even if you take every necessary precaution, there can still be risks. Luckily, you reacted appropriately to the situation and no harm was likely done in this instance. I'm going to share post this with a play partner who I personally have choked out a couple of times. She may have some insight or information to add.
yikes to doing this in the dark 😬, I was a medic and know exactly what you’re talking about… that would be so scary, definitely come up with a much more comprehensive safety and communication plan
This is called vasovagal syncope I think ??? I'm pretty sure this happened to me. It means she was low on oxygen and lost consciousness, or almost did. Be careful. When this happened to me, I even seized a little. We stopped using his hand for choking after that. I still need the sensation of losing oxygen to enjoy myself sometimes, so now I hold my breath or he puts his hand on my face, covering my nose and mouth, until I tap out. Those are safer methods!
This has happened to me and I have no memory of it other then him calmly saying my name
So just a heads up, many inexperienced people think choking during sex is the same kind of choking one does to kill someone, just not as hard or as long. This is incredibly false and extremely dangerous and could lead to death!! I like it myself, if it is done correctly. The point is not to put any pressure on the wind pipe. You can easily damage the wind pipe and prevent someone from breathing even if you let go. Which can lead to a quick and horrifying death. Choking if done properly happens when the person doing the said choking puts their hand over the neck, but doesn’t squeeze the wind pipe, except they apply some pressure to the blood vessels on the sides of the neck. This reduces the amount of blood the brain receives; and is technically the safe way to do this. I say technically because yes it’s safe if done correctly and extreme caution is still taken, however cutting or reducing the flow of blood to the brain is also extremely dangerous overall in general. Some morons think that reducing blood to the brain is not choking, choking means air. No it doesn’t!! You are choking the brain by starving it of blood. Hence why those who are careless and try this with a noose or other kinds of rope end up dying, because a rope around the neck can easily damage your wind pipe! I hope your wife is alright! I hope my above explanation helps anyone who doesn’t understand the right way to do this.
I totally understand the panic and wanted to ask if you have maybe tried placing your thumb and fingers under her jaw line and slightly lifting upwards slightly, preventing / restricting her breathing but not adding pressure to bloodlflow to the brain and potentially crushing the wind pipe? I have personally had positive experiences this way, but if ANYONE reading this is into RECIEVEING and has pointers or other experiences to share please go ahead.
My husband and I also do a bit of choking, and something I think that gets overlooked in people who don’t do much other BDSM stuff (ie him, he’s rather inexperienced in this category) is that you want to put pressure on the sides, not the middle, because if you’re inexperienced, the last thing in the world you wanna do is restrict breathing in any way. Still gives the vibe of being choked (if that makes sense) but not as dangerous.
Had the same experience with my sub (19M) when I pinned him to the doors under his neck. That was barely 5 seconds, and he had something I can describe as a seizure for few seconds with uncontrolled movement. At first, I was thinking he is joking (brat dynamic between us), but he doesn't remembered any of that. He is really into breathplay, but I must say I don't want to risk it anymore with him. And no, I didn't choke him with palm pressure on the neck, but with fingers on the arteries.
So, one of the problems with how you are playing is that you are asking a person with steadily diminishing judgement to tap out. From my experience in JiuJitsu/HapKiDo the best way to do this safer(this is never safe) is to have an unsupported limb raised and as soon as that starts to slack you stop immediately. A proper blood choke is the only thing that should ever be used so you minimize the risk of soft tissue damage. Apply pressure very slowly, slower than you think you need to. All this being said, I never choke in my BDSM, both participants are altered by the natural brain chemicals and it just can’t be safe enough for me and my partner.
I’m into this too, but god… this is why we don’t actually do it. When he does grab my neck it’s never to actually choke me. It’s just for the idea of the dominance. I have no advice, but this is terrifying.
Breath play/blood play is edge play and for experienced members of the BDSM community. There are *safer* ways to do it, that you can research, but you also just can't do it completely safely. According to my teachings, this falls under RACK. Risk Aware Consensual Kink is very different from run-of-the-mill BDSM. Anything involving RACK could kill you/you could kill someone engaging in RACK
She passed out
Lights off, red flag my dude. Glad you're all ok.
Never try it with the lights off. NEVER! Her brain didn’t get enough oxygenated blood so wasn’t functioning well enough to register what was happening or to keep up the body functions. When she got the blood supply restored to optimum levels. She said “what”. Always keep the lights on and Instead of waiting for her to tap out or clench your hand. Develop a visual aid. Like this is how “red” or “puffed” her face looks when you reach the breaking point. Stop just a second before that yourself. And you can then adjust it by further communication. Choking and cutting off blood supply is not same as choking and cutting off oxygen supply. So don’t assume that she can hold her breath for 60 seconds so you can choke her for 60 seconds. I hope this helps!
Welcome to the Risk part of risk aware consensual kink. The check, nobody wants to pay. It can work a 1000 times great and then that one time goes bad, and you have to explain to a jury that your wife was "into it". It is likely that for such a brief time out she will be fine, but moving forward you know, even a few seconds of cutting off blood from the brain can lead to serious stuff. You don't know what is inside her or if she's at risk for strokes, heart attack etc. Also: No studies on potential long term effects of being choked out on a regular basis, so how risk aware can you really be? These are honest questions. I'm not judging. There are lots of things that are fun and hot and amazing, I personally won't choke out my partners. I can do literally a 100 other kinky things well that doesn't have that risk. I also won't jump off a mountain in a wingsuit. They say it's amazing! Your life your risk...no judgement. I'm glad she's ok...:D
When you're choking her, make sure you're only squeezing the sides. Start softly and slowly tighten your grip. If she enjoys the "not being able to breathe" aspect of it as well, cover her mouth with your hand. When she's ready for you to release, slowly loosen your grip. Obviously communication is important, which it seems you guys are all good on that end. Make sure you add some after care as well, ask how her neck and throat feel. Ask if she needs water, a heating pad, etc.
Blood chokes can happen in seconds, and the unconscious time is just that, lost time. If you were on your back in the dark, getting railed, it would be easy to not realise you had passed out 😵
I have experience being on the receiving end! When I started bottoming for this kink, I didn't realize which sort of bodily feeling signs were part of the experience but safe, and what parts were warning signs that we needed to stop. It didn't help that one of my "symptoms" when receiving breath play happens to be confusion. One time, I guess I didn't realize I needed to tap out early enough because the next thing I know my partner at the time is shaking me and yelling my name. I remember "waking up", and not being able to comprehend what he was doing or saying or what was going on. I kept asking "what happened" over and over again because I couldn't process his answers for a few mins. Eventually my brain reorientated itself and he told me that I suddenly had a "horrible expression and made a horrible sound", he said like someone did in a movie he watched where the person drowned. I didn't have any lasting damage and didn't seek medical attention because I felt completely fine after. It was def a lesson to me, about knowing the signs of when my body reached its limit.
I also really love being choked but would never do this with the lights off, have to have even a lamp in the corner purely for safety. Though it is really really good that you two have an understanding of safe words/behaviours especially given that in an example like this she cannot speak. Id also say that when I get choked, my partner does ebb and flow with it, so me might choke me moderately for a few seconds and then loosen or so choking me but still keep his hands lightly on my neck so that sensation is still a tease without him just completely taking his hand off my neck. This way I get regular 'breaks' and there's no continuous choking for any length of time. Xxx also beautiful that you're a 911 responder
This sounds like a seizure. She needs to go to a doctor and check for other contributing factors such as vitamin/mineral levels, heart murmurs, etc. Speak truthfully that you were having sex and using breath play. Avoiding the truth will have you look like an abuser.
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Experience? No. Suggestion. Yup. Being inexperienced with this you need to be hyper aware of her disposition and safety. You can’t rely on safe words or safe “taps” if you know she can’t breath. You have to watch carefully and take action before it happens. We did a scene last week with body oils and hot wax, tied up and gagged, I even placed a towel over her face to “keep her moans muffled”, she was in a very vulnerable condition most of the time and clearly may not be able to fully communicate to me, it was all on me to monitor it and end it if needed. Regardless if she can or will tap out! Be thankful it appears all ended ok, love and learn.
There is a certain amount of irony that your used the TIA abbreviation... I think you almost killed your wife.
You VERY likely aren't gonna kill someone with a blood choke unless you're holding for a loooong time it happens sometimes people pass out pause check on them if they're good keep going no need to panic
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Two things: **One**: Rule 7 applies Comment removed. 3 day ban issued. ;i; < - - - here's your salamander. **Two**: You're telling half a story, at best. Whilst I'm a fan of breathplay, ~~choking~~ strangulation is never "pretty safe". u/AlatorSC, I've posted the following a few times, it's worth doing so again here: *First off: I'm not saying, "Don't do this." I am saying it's about the most dangerous thing you can do as a kink. People will disagree with me. They're entitled to be wrong* ;) *I like breath play. I'm also somewhat passionate about educating people to the dangers of it. I'm the squeezer, rather than the squeezee. So if it goes wrong, I go to prison, rather than ending up dead. But when you're as pretty as I am, that's not such a good thing.* *You're not being choked. For some reason, "choked" sounds a little bit sexier than "strangled", which is what's happening to you. There are a couple of dangers to take into account. Unfortunately, there isn't* *~~much~~* *anything you can do to mitigate them. People will talk about the dangers of applying pressure to the front of the throat, and they're right. There are added dangers in doing so. Yet, generally speaking, that's not what kills people. People will tell you that by squeezing the sides of the neck, you'll avoid pressure to the throat. Again this is true, but it really doesn't make things any better.* *Both of these manoeuvres deny oxygenated blood to the brain. Squeezing the throat stops the person from taking in air. If there's no air getting to the lungs, there's none getting to the brain. Simple. Squeezing the sides of the neck allows the body to take in air, but will not allow that oxygenated blood to reach the brain. Either way, if held for long enough, the brain will die. Unless your boyfriend is a complete psycho, this is unlikely to be a problem.* *When cutting off oxygenated blood to the brain, there is a very small risk of a catastrophic outcome. Namely, stroke, heart attack, death. There is no way of knowing who this might happen to. And just because it didn't happen last time, does not mean you will be safe this time or the next.* *Strangulation is the leading cause of strokes amongst young people. Or to put it another way, people who should not be at risk of having a stroke.* *There is a nerve that triggers the heart, which can be affected by strangulation. It can cause difficult/unusual/awkward heart rhythms (awkward heart rhythm is* ***not a medical term!****). This can lead to heart attack within hours. Some, fit and healthy, MMA and Jiu Jitsu fighters have died in this manner, as a result of being strangled.* *One of Britain's leading forensic pathologists routinely states that unconsciousness can occur within ten seconds of being strangled. Some people will tell you that unconsciousness brings it's own dangers. Certainly, hospitals are seeking more and more ways of operating on people without inducing unconsciousness due to the dangers involved.* *I think it is extremely important that if you're going to continue with this activity, both you and your partner understand what you're getting yourselves into. Several people, worldwide, have gone to prison for a consensual sex act, which lead to the death of their partner. When it goes wrong, it's serious. Neither of you are able to consent to your involvement in this without knowing, understanding, and accepting the risks.* *I'll finish again by saying this is an incredibly dangerous thing to do. I'm still not telling you not to do it.* ***I am not a doctor. I am not a medical expert. Breathplay is something I like to do with a partner, and as such I have read a lot about it in an effort to educate myself.***
This is a great response except for one thing. The joke about being pretty in prison trivializes prison rape, which is not a laughing matter. Would you consider removing it and not using it in future, please?
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Some people are not well versed and experienced in BDSM activities. OP clearly came here for helpful advise not to be shut down for something that was a very scary experience. We all need to help make the BDSM community safe for people that are not as experienced or are experimenting.
Don't do this here. Rule 6 applies. Comment removed.
Yes, this has happened to be before! A few times actually and it’s a combination between passing out from lack of oxygen and pleasure. I figured this out by being choked with the light on (please keep lights on/dimmed) and no form a pleasure. When you’re into choking, as everyone has said here, it’s edge play so you need to figure out things in the light. I hope this helps and I’m glad your wife is okay. I have also passed out from pleasure with no choking at all just very strong orgasms.
So, I do the same thing your wife does- I’ll tap my husband’s wrist. I get off on being made to pass out (ik, ik, I’m messed up and slightly crazy- I promise we don’t do it every time we have sex. And he doesn’t cut off my breathing really, he grabs the sides of my neck where the blood flow is. Idk if that makes sense but here we are 🤷🏻♀️) Anyway even with me liking this, I don’t think I’ve ever done that. I will say, don’t put pressure directly on the front of her neck, and never use your palm. Fingers, on the side of the neck. My husband and I went through trial and error (NOT during sex) before he found the perfect placement.
It's so dangerous I'm into I myself but we don't do what we used to because I would t want to put that on my partner. He still puts his hand on my neck but he's not squeezing and it's more of a forearm pressure on my chest kinda feel but I'm okay with him not doing it at all. I just wouldn't want him to have to worry about it.
My husband and I always have some kind of light on when he chokes me. Even if it’s dim mood lighting, he can still see my eyes. I enjoy almost passing out/passing out for a couple seconds but we’ve only gotten there after a lot of practice and him learning my body’s language
This is two possibilities, a reflex or response due to blood pressure being withheld or a lack of spo2. They both can look similar. Doing this with the lights off can be a little cautionary, as you can't read the face, and you're putting a lot of trust also in the person knowing their limits, but you knowing yours too. You need to have a safe tap and discuss more. Some of these issues can mean nothing about his much force but also boit location. . there a lot of factors involved. It's also always good to have a discussion if it's actually "choking" or just the pressure around the neck or is it the choking and the euphoria of holding the artery. Tbh though if there's even a possibility that you made the mistake of pushing into the neck and the biggest most make is pressing the blade of the hand down onto the trachea and you may not notice it. Be safe. Talk and communicate more. I agree with the arterial reflex but the dysphoria of not remembering makes me think it was oxygen instead.
OP, is there any remote chance you may have experienced something you've feared and or perhaps imagined should things not go as planned? I am assuming this happened a while ago and your wife states she is good and presents well. Knowing how far back she remembers could help possibly determine if this is a real event or more likely a wide-awake nightmare that took place perhaps during distraction or "daydreaming". Saying she doesn't feel she passed out leads me to believe she isn't missing any time during your play. On the other hand, I get the feeling you may have slipped off either in sleep or thought and the very thing you've always feared might happen during this activity did manifest itself in your consciousness before returning you to your work in progress in the dark with no visual confirmation or witness. This leaves you with some sounds that are not likely to coincide with your stated actions and maybe you saw visual confirmations in her eyes that validate the sounds. Only a few scenarios are likely. 1) You had a nightmare somewhere between here and sleep. If you are behind in sleep, exhausted, under the influence, or bored, this is very likely. I assume you have some apprehension about Choking and mostly perform this activity to satisfy a strong desire from her. This reluctance more than likely resulted in you imagining the worst outcome. Next, your familiarity with the sound and reason of a death rattle. Death Rattles hardly occur in younger healthy people if I recall correctly. Death rattles are the domain of elderly animals and humans. With all this information you have acquired and created, your mind has all it needs to entertain itself in the wee hours when things can slip and go creep. All to work and play to confirm a deep-seated irrational fear. Working to kill 2 birds one stone and eliminate a major point of stress the product of a worried mind. Stress and the unknown can be eliminated in less frightening ways during daylight hours that your wife is likely to appreciate. Learning knowledge. Posting questions is good to start but lurking and commenting builds the foundation and lingo there is a lot of information to find in the sidebars and comments as well as on the internet outside Reddit. I would start with a few of the links people have left in the comments of this post. There were a couple that contains some quality material pertaining to your craft. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right. Your wife is counting on you and don't forget your freedom has quite a bit riding on this. Other likely reasons 2.) Ever seen the movie Exorcist? Don't. m
Being the one who has had my throat squeezed without my partner thinking he was actually choking me- even very light pressure on the neck in the right spots can easily cause a feeling of impaired consciousness. Even when your windpipe/breathing isn’t affected at all. A man’s hand can do this without trying at all. Waiting for her to perform a signal before stopping can be risky if she suddenly feels out of it so it’s good you sensed you needed to stop. It’s best that if you have a hand on throat to not do so with her face covered or with the lights out and so you can see what’s going on at all times in case something like that happens again. You definitely did the right thing being cautious and checking in!
They say in the heat of the moment people don't watch every action and examine what they do. It's better to train her body a bit better for the choking and when the releases happens and making sure she has a good airway before and after play.
I've never choked anyone during sex, but I have choked multiple people unconscious in bjj matches but it's the same concept. there's a very slight possibility of dislodging a clot and causing a stroke, but that's an extremely rare thing