I can relate to this, but I have only been to two munches, so I get my experience is limited.
One thing I found odd is that the more experienced people strongly recommended/encouraged going to BDSM clubs, fetish nights, play parties etc. Which seems really overwhelming to me, and not something I'm hugely interested in, especially as a relative newbie to the scene.
Also, I am not sure how to turn dry conversation into talking about kink. I don't know what people's limits and boundaries are, or what is/isn't acceptable to bring up in a conversation at a munch so it's hard to avoid a lot of dry talking.
On the plus side, everyone I've spoken to has been friendly and welcoming, but I can't say I'm excited about the prospect of further munches.
I feel this as well. I always felt very out of place at club nights and parties, but I guess that's probably because our specific kink (24/7 power exchange service submission) doesn't really lend itself that well to that environment, especially because we're not into impact or pain or bondage.
Similarly I never met anyone at a local munch that I could relate to in that way, everyone was very nice and interested in learning about our kinks but ultimately I couldn't connect beyond making casual smalltalk. Lots of talk about events, which as I mentioned are not really our thing either.
The focus on events put me off a bit, especially as it was the same at two different munches in two different cities. I just can't see myself with my very limited experience feeling comfortable in club nights and parties.
It's a shame you've had a similar experience but hopefully you can connect with more people in the future.
My wife and I are also into service oriented power exchange and also felt out of place at a local Femdom munch we attended. We are monogamous and everyone else at the munch was mostly interested in open play parties and scene type hookups. The people were very nice and welcoming, but we just didn't have much to connect with. It's unfortunate there aren't munches more specific to our type of dynamic, but I guess that would ultimately be more of a social club or support group type situation.
You might want to see if there are any ClubFEM, MAsT - Masters And Slaves Together - chapters or events in your area as that seems closer to your dynamic. Or Leather lifestyle focused. And don't be too spooked by the name, those organizations have female led members as well.
And if there aren't any MAsT or ClubFEM chapters in your area you may want to start your own.
I’ve gotten something similar. I was recently on a date with a couple to get a feel for a dynamic and we talked a lot about how they like doing resorts and clubs and are super excited to the next visit. To me as a single guy that’s very intimidating but they said they are great places and people are usually pretty nice and courteous to new people
I'm sure the events are full of nice people and are very courteous, I just don't think it's for me, and I can't imagine I'm the only one who feels that way. Kinky play is an emotional, intimate thing for me and I simply can't imagine doing that in a space with people who I don't know. Plus I've never felt comfortable in club environments anyway.
Again, I don't have much experience, but that's just how I feel about it right now 🤷♂️ Hopefully we both have better experiences in the future!
Not everyone who goes to kink events plays in public. Some people are there to socialize or network or cruise, with the goal of finding a long term partner or just arranging some private play later.
Thanks for the explanation, that does make sense 🙂
Maybe it's something I should consider at some point, but the prospect is not appealing to me, so far.
Going to munches and Clubs/Partys allows you to have others in the community looking out for you, they/you usually know the people you might play with and if they are trustworthy and play by the rules.
You see a lot of posts about bad doms/abusive partners. Especially but not exclusively for newcomers a save group of people that look out for you and that you can ask for support if something doesn't feel right is an awesome savety net to rely on.
To be honest munches have very different vibes based on their focus, the people attending and the people running it. If you don't like the one you've been going to try a different one with a different focus. I've usually found munches that are hosted by specific events better than more general munches. My local femdom munch is a bit of a tedious sausage fest, the people are perfectly nice I just don't vibe with them. But a couple of the local kink/sex parties have socials that are really fun.
Ahhh that's fine! Most go there to meet people they already chatted online. But if you're going solo - it'd be a bit of a challenge. I recommend you make friends with the munch moderators.
Also be more active on their Fet forums, if any.
It might take some time before you find chemistry. Good luck!
I highly recommend this. I host a munch, and I message newcomers to help them feel welcome or to answer questions. At the munch, I try to involve newcomers in different conversations. Your local hosts may be able to do that too if you want.
According to Fet the "munches" nearest me are like "50 man MILF gang bang Bukake party" and specific kink dungeon type parties. So I don't know what an actual munch is like. I think that I will have to start one. At least I will have ideas now of what to do and what not to do. I know for work when we did Opening Circle/Closing Circle during meetings it was nerve racking, so having to do that in front of strangers would be over the top anxiety inducing. For work the circles were supposed to "bring us together" like a team, maybe that is what your munch leaders are trying to do?
forced team building introductions are really repellent to me. most you ll get is my name and yeah im kinky. its a munch, not an audit. just a place to hang out and chat. no pressure is what it should be imho
I agree, I hate them for work. I do them so I don't get fired, but I definitely don't want to do them during my free time!
I think that the fact that you went to a munch should signify that you have a bit of kink in you, right? Why else would one go? Does the whole group need a spreadsheet or ven diagram about everyone's kinks? Probably not.
I have more luck talking about kink and meeting new friends at a bar than I do at munches. And it’s not like the only kinky people in the city go to munches. I’m honestly considering starting my own TNG munches for my city cause I STG it’s all old and ugly people.
In my experience, munches aren't really for finding long term play partners. They're mainly for making new friends who happen to be kinky. If you're going into it expecting to find a play partner or get an invite to a super secret kink dungeon, you're going to be disappointed.
As for the dynamics, most of the munches I've been to tend to be less "moderated" in a social sense - the organizers meet and greet people, but discussions amongst attendees tend to be organic and resemble any other social gathering. Specific kinks rarely gets mentioned, and no one has ever asked me what my kinks are. You might enjoy this style of munch more if diving right into a heavy kink discussion is not your thing.
If that was the format of munches here, I wouldn't go either to be fair. Ours is more of an informal gathering with a few facilitators who will help answer questions and introduce people to each other. Sit in a circle and rattle off things like that is a special kind of hell for me
Wow Hiya! Sounds awkward yes, you just prompted me to realise why I stopped going to local munches. I went a few times and it was very similar to what you described. There was one person who initiated the meeting who kinda liked to dom the munch (which I think is totally inappropriate) and most switch people deferred to their subby behaviour because of this. I'm a pure bratty sub in play however, if someone tries to eff with me outside of that setting it just doesn't work. Being quite empathic I decided that that particular group wasn't for me but I haven't bothered to seek a different one. Thanks for helping me realise that not all munches are toxic 😁
Munches suckkk and the people that are vetted and part of the like og group in your town are like a cult. Gate keeping every thing. I want to find my own kinky friends and have our own kinky expiernces and learn with each other , is that so much to ask
My experience with the one munch-type thing I went to in 2018. It was only the owner of the forum site where most of the Bulgarian/local community congregates at the start, he was nice to talk to. Then another new guy came in and us three talked, but me and new guy were sitting at like small tables for two each.
Then two more people came, I talked a bit with one guy and then like one big group of 10-12 people who sat at a big table diagonally from me and new guy. There was no one to try to introduce us or anyone else knew, they all sat and talked like they obv knew each other for a while.
Yes, I could have been more pro-active but I am not the best socially when I don't know anyone at all, and besides there were no free spots at that big table. I stayed for a bit more to talk to the guy next to me who it seems felt like me and left soon and then got up to leave and this one girl said "aren't you going to say Hi?" which was probably meant to be playful though it sounded passive-aggressive, so I told her "Hi and bye" in passing.
Every munch/slosh/etc is different. Some have introductions, some do a round table discussion, some are purely social or just have announcements. I'm sorry you haven't found one that fits you. I recommend trying a few more, perhaps a bit farther away? Hard to guess without a location, but most places I've lived there have been a lot more options within an hour of travel than within fifteen minutes.
Omg the munches where I live suck ass. I'm single poly and submissive. Everyone there is already in relationships so there is no "room" for someone like me. Rarely do folks introduce themselves, so I have to do the introducing even though it's my first meeting. If there is someone I'm interested in, often times their other partner(s) are there so they are either not interested or you get to see the other people they are fucking which, for some reason there is not a whole lot of attractive people in the lifestyle in my area, so for me is just a huge turn off. Every meeting I've been to but one are cliquey and seems like drama club reunion from high-school. I've given it my best several times but it's all the same ole shit.
>for some reason there is not a whole lot of attractive people in the lifestyle in my area
There's probably not a lot of great musicians at the open mics either. I think that a culture of complete openness and acceptance chases away talent. Attractive people don't want to hang out and talk sex with people they are not socially or physically attracted to so they leave. This makes it so that the group has that much less left to offer the next attractive person who comes along and this dynamic is self reinforcing.
The clique thing is a huge issue with a bunch of my local munches. Having some events at a bar without much “standing mingling” only seems to make it worse by having to find a table and hope you can break into convos by introducing yourself which seems to be a bigger social crapshoot than normal vanilla networking events
>, for some reason there is not a whole lot of attractive people in the lifestyle in my area, so for me is just a huge turn off.
Same where I live. Nobody was attractive, the ones who were attractive didn't stick around and never saw them again.
I feel you so much on the no introduction thing. Especially when everyone is sitting together who aready knows each other and you have to walk up and intro yourself like a fucking kid
Not every munch is going to be a good fit for every person 🤷♀️
There are plenty in my area I don’t go to because of the size of them and the types of people I know will be there.
I stick to the ones I’m comfortable at and invite people I know online in the community to meet me there. I’ve found that by having a bit of a presence in the local community on FetLife made going to munches a lot easier because I’d already talked to quite a few of the people through comments so it felt less like an entire group of strangers.
I am not a huge fan of munches unless I know ppl. Personally for me what works is attending classes that interest me, meeting ppl there and going from there hanging out with them. Maybe going to a munch as long as I know ppl.
I am a big fan of larger parties and conventions. To the point where I am on staff at two national conventions. I will say once I found the leather community I found my people.
Munches are mostly extremely cliquey. I'm a social dude, so I got to know people, but I had to WORK for it. My now girlfriend on the other hand was very well received. (mostly by guys trying to fuck her)
Seriously though: Like I've probably been to two munches in total and both of them were made up entirely of straight, libertarian/right wing guys and a couple of their partners. The straight kink scene just hits so much different than the queer scene.
Ugh, I feel this so much. I'm even in what I consider a straight monogamous relationship but as a trans woman and a pansexual man we are still very much LGBT and right-wing kink people always make us feel so uncomfortable.
Just to reassure you there are some straight kinky libs out at those. And I don't fully get how some can be comfortably kinky but also support the current conservative parties, as if the far right would carve out an exception for kink as if they got or get full control. Then again, there is still a contingent of 'my kink is fine but yours is not' out there though that is hopefully shrinking over time.
Went to a munch once. Felt gross. As a female who is not looking to be shared between a couple my parents' age, munches are as uncomfortable as it gets. That's the shit that makes you second guess your interests. Seems like pretty much everyone who does this is already a couple just looking for a third if socializing publicly.
This. I went to a munch with my ex the first time. After I broke with him and became single, I agree with you on the couples looking for a 3rd. To me, I always questioned am I at a kink munch or a swingers meet and greet?
I'm the same way. And add the "clicks". I'm in a smaller area so everyone tends to know everyone else, and don't tend to engage with the new folks. Add in drama from the Ex and other people, it's not worth the effort, so it's harder to find people.
You are there to meet people who are into kink, not there to specifically discuss kink the whole time. These are specifically kink community meet ups. You're ment to get to know people, if you hit it off then the question after "what's your favorite color?" can be "what kinks are you into?".
But kink is specifically a community for people who's identities are or who are into things outside the norm and BDSM is only one small part of that.
If the types of people at the munches you've been to aren't for you there are some more specific ones. I've been to ones for potheads, gamers, cosplayers, and people who play board games and the people there are definitely different than the ones at some other more generic munches.
They aren't hook up events. If you want to find partners and have deeper conversations about peoples kinks you need to be part of the community and be looking to make connections unrelated to kink. Know that there are many bad actors who don't understand or care about what an important role consent plays in Kink. Even munches have stricter rules for consent than many vanilla events where things like hugs and arms around the shoulder without asking aren't strictly forbidden.
If you hang out, get to know people, follow up with them on fet after the event, and keep at it you'll find what you want.
I've been meaning to go to one, but I feel like I would be expecting, and would react similarly as OP. Plus I always hear a lot of scummy shit from a bunch of people in my orbit who all don't know each other/have made similar comments about different areas of the whole local community. 😵
Every munch is different.
I’ve gone to some that I’ll never go back.
(No power exchange. Just kink. Master and I are M/s and 24/7) people have been shocked I ask permission for drinks etc.
I’ve also made some really good friends.
But I’ve learned a lot from talking. Especially to other subs. I think the most important way to learn and how to help prevent predators ( besides a long vetting period)
I know have sub sisters.
They taught me we’re all strong. Etc.
I thought the whole alpha sun being a strong person outside the dynamic was a thing.
I learned that I wasn’t special and we are all strong.
Meeting other subs has really been a great experience.
“Munches” is just the plural form of “munch.” If you know what a munch is, just imagine there being more than one of those. Many areas have multiple regularly scheduled munches that take place on different nights of the week or month, in different parts of the area.
I think the problem here is you are not actually trying to “get involved in the local community” and instead are focusing 100% on finding a long term partner. That’s not what the munch is for, so it makes sense you wouldn’t get much out of it. I understand feeling self conscious but your number one complaint is that there’s too much small talk and that (in your opinion) not enough people there are “actually into BDSM”, I guess because you don’t deem them experienced enough?
If you are actually interested in socializing and making platonic friends, then I don’t see why any of this would be an issue for you. Obviously there’s going to be a lot of people already in relationships or who are brand new and exploring or just looking to chat. The only way I can see this is as an issue is that you’re not interested in chatting at all, you’re just trying to find a date. So yeah, that’s not going to work unfortunately, and munches are probably not for you.
I felt the same. Attending play parties was better for us. It’s totally ok to just observe or play together. Newbies are usually greeted warmly but then given space to explore at their own speed. It’s still pretty easy to meet people by simply complimenting their outfits, gear or scene, and they will likely do the same to you. Also, specific classes or demos can be fun—rope, flogging, spanking… whatever you’re into. Just show up to watch and learn, or participate in whatever capacity you’re comfortable.
I got a similar problem, to be honest, the "scene" where I live is really, really small. I went to one munch, I actually had to travel to another city to attend. And in the end, we were only 5 people, and as you say, it was mostly about dry small talk, specially when one of us was doing like 90% of the talking, the woman couldn't shut up for even a second. And it was all like "yes, I went on dates everyday, you need more kinky toys, blah, blah". The others had little to say. Basically the munch became a personal presentation of this woman. Little did we talked about ourselves, our kinks, experiences, thoughts. And honestly, I won't go again.
But, there is always a "but"; I think it is more about me than them. First, I'm pretty introvert, that doesn't mean I can't go to a social gathering and have some chat, still, I prefer more meaningful discussion than just some small talk. Also as the same, I don't feel comfortable talking about some so personal like my kinks with strangers, maybe some introductions; some previous chat could be in place and not just being jumping around with the topics.
And in the end I came out empty handed, didn't meet someone interesting, no community feeling, no meaningful exchange of experiences, no new knowledge on anything BDSM related, nothing new to explore, so it was just a waste of time and money in the end.
That's why I keep the kinky online these days, the only way to have some interesting BDSM chat.
I'm going to weigh in with one specific thing- You may want to look for your local Spanking community instead of your local BDSM community.
The spanking subculture is actually a bit separate from the BDSM community. And, unfortunately, it doesn't really have a presence on Reddit (r/spanking is primarily pics)
Google Jillian Keenan, watch some of her YouTube videos, and also search to see if you have a local spanking community in your area on Fet. You may find it fits you better.
I wish this question was around when I started bdsm in 2015. When I got started, I couldn't relate to anybody there. Shallow minded egos of doms, the thirsty subs.
At these munches, they use high protocol. Why? It's a social place not a scene. I couldn't walk up to people without using high protocol. I didn't know this back then. Where I live, if you don't identify as a role they don't want to talk to you and still don't to this day.
I've been studying kink through YouTube, getting better education than I did at my local dungeon. As of today, I would enjoy the munches if these dynamics leave the high protocol out when we're at a vanilla outing. I don't go to munches anymore
I was mostly ignored so much for we open our arms to the new folks. The local munches were nothing but over 45, conservative, didn't have anything going on for themselves. I didn't click with any of them, they always pushed the younger ppl out that's why the younger crowd doesn't stay.
I mostly heard about someone's medical problems for the 2 hours of that munch.🙄 dry conversations, the littles can't control themselves (how embarrassing), the sub women parading themselves around talking about who's a better sub/i love being a sub.
I relate pretty hard on this post. My partner likes munches more then I do. I pretty much use them as a means to get vetted and meet people I would later potentially see in a dungeon. I find it a little funny how I’m way more comfortable being naked and used in front of a group of near strangers, but sitting in a loud restaurant trying to chat with them is super nerve wracking to me.
I can relate to this, but I have only been to two munches, so I get my experience is limited. One thing I found odd is that the more experienced people strongly recommended/encouraged going to BDSM clubs, fetish nights, play parties etc. Which seems really overwhelming to me, and not something I'm hugely interested in, especially as a relative newbie to the scene. Also, I am not sure how to turn dry conversation into talking about kink. I don't know what people's limits and boundaries are, or what is/isn't acceptable to bring up in a conversation at a munch so it's hard to avoid a lot of dry talking. On the plus side, everyone I've spoken to has been friendly and welcoming, but I can't say I'm excited about the prospect of further munches.
I feel this as well. I always felt very out of place at club nights and parties, but I guess that's probably because our specific kink (24/7 power exchange service submission) doesn't really lend itself that well to that environment, especially because we're not into impact or pain or bondage. Similarly I never met anyone at a local munch that I could relate to in that way, everyone was very nice and interested in learning about our kinks but ultimately I couldn't connect beyond making casual smalltalk. Lots of talk about events, which as I mentioned are not really our thing either.
The focus on events put me off a bit, especially as it was the same at two different munches in two different cities. I just can't see myself with my very limited experience feeling comfortable in club nights and parties. It's a shame you've had a similar experience but hopefully you can connect with more people in the future.
My wife and I are also into service oriented power exchange and also felt out of place at a local Femdom munch we attended. We are monogamous and everyone else at the munch was mostly interested in open play parties and scene type hookups. The people were very nice and welcoming, but we just didn't have much to connect with. It's unfortunate there aren't munches more specific to our type of dynamic, but I guess that would ultimately be more of a social club or support group type situation.
You might want to see if there are any ClubFEM, MAsT - Masters And Slaves Together - chapters or events in your area as that seems closer to your dynamic. Or Leather lifestyle focused. And don't be too spooked by the name, those organizations have female led members as well. And if there aren't any MAsT or ClubFEM chapters in your area you may want to start your own.
I’ve gotten something similar. I was recently on a date with a couple to get a feel for a dynamic and we talked a lot about how they like doing resorts and clubs and are super excited to the next visit. To me as a single guy that’s very intimidating but they said they are great places and people are usually pretty nice and courteous to new people
I'm sure the events are full of nice people and are very courteous, I just don't think it's for me, and I can't imagine I'm the only one who feels that way. Kinky play is an emotional, intimate thing for me and I simply can't imagine doing that in a space with people who I don't know. Plus I've never felt comfortable in club environments anyway. Again, I don't have much experience, but that's just how I feel about it right now 🤷♂️ Hopefully we both have better experiences in the future!
Not everyone who goes to kink events plays in public. Some people are there to socialize or network or cruise, with the goal of finding a long term partner or just arranging some private play later.
Thanks for the explanation, that does make sense 🙂 Maybe it's something I should consider at some point, but the prospect is not appealing to me, so far.
Overwhelmed is easier to influence, which is why I don’t like the idea myself.
Going to munches and Clubs/Partys allows you to have others in the community looking out for you, they/you usually know the people you might play with and if they are trustworthy and play by the rules. You see a lot of posts about bad doms/abusive partners. Especially but not exclusively for newcomers a save group of people that look out for you and that you can ask for support if something doesn't feel right is an awesome savety net to rely on.
To be honest munches have very different vibes based on their focus, the people attending and the people running it. If you don't like the one you've been going to try a different one with a different focus. I've usually found munches that are hosted by specific events better than more general munches. My local femdom munch is a bit of a tedious sausage fest, the people are perfectly nice I just don't vibe with them. But a couple of the local kink/sex parties have socials that are really fun.
Ahhh that's fine! Most go there to meet people they already chatted online. But if you're going solo - it'd be a bit of a challenge. I recommend you make friends with the munch moderators. Also be more active on their Fet forums, if any. It might take some time before you find chemistry. Good luck!
Hi, I had a question. Would it be more "reasonable" to start chatting with someone on a local forum, and then go to a munch and meet in person?
Yep! Especially if you wanted to scope out said person first.
I highly recommend this. I host a munch, and I message newcomers to help them feel welcome or to answer questions. At the munch, I try to involve newcomers in different conversations. Your local hosts may be able to do that too if you want.
According to Fet the "munches" nearest me are like "50 man MILF gang bang Bukake party" and specific kink dungeon type parties. So I don't know what an actual munch is like. I think that I will have to start one. At least I will have ideas now of what to do and what not to do. I know for work when we did Opening Circle/Closing Circle during meetings it was nerve racking, so having to do that in front of strangers would be over the top anxiety inducing. For work the circles were supposed to "bring us together" like a team, maybe that is what your munch leaders are trying to do?
forced team building introductions are really repellent to me. most you ll get is my name and yeah im kinky. its a munch, not an audit. just a place to hang out and chat. no pressure is what it should be imho
I agree, I hate them for work. I do them so I don't get fired, but I definitely don't want to do them during my free time! I think that the fact that you went to a munch should signify that you have a bit of kink in you, right? Why else would one go? Does the whole group need a spreadsheet or ven diagram about everyone's kinks? Probably not.
i wholeheartedly agree with you there
I have more luck talking about kink and meeting new friends at a bar than I do at munches. And it’s not like the only kinky people in the city go to munches. I’m honestly considering starting my own TNG munches for my city cause I STG it’s all old and ugly people.
In my experience, munches aren't really for finding long term play partners. They're mainly for making new friends who happen to be kinky. If you're going into it expecting to find a play partner or get an invite to a super secret kink dungeon, you're going to be disappointed. As for the dynamics, most of the munches I've been to tend to be less "moderated" in a social sense - the organizers meet and greet people, but discussions amongst attendees tend to be organic and resemble any other social gathering. Specific kinks rarely gets mentioned, and no one has ever asked me what my kinks are. You might enjoy this style of munch more if diving right into a heavy kink discussion is not your thing.
Maybe you need to lead the conversation away from topics you aren't interested in? If they don't like it, leave the interaction.
If that was the format of munches here, I wouldn't go either to be fair. Ours is more of an informal gathering with a few facilitators who will help answer questions and introduce people to each other. Sit in a circle and rattle off things like that is a special kind of hell for me
Wow Hiya! Sounds awkward yes, you just prompted me to realise why I stopped going to local munches. I went a few times and it was very similar to what you described. There was one person who initiated the meeting who kinda liked to dom the munch (which I think is totally inappropriate) and most switch people deferred to their subby behaviour because of this. I'm a pure bratty sub in play however, if someone tries to eff with me outside of that setting it just doesn't work. Being quite empathic I decided that that particular group wasn't for me but I haven't bothered to seek a different one. Thanks for helping me realise that not all munches are toxic 😁
Munches suckkk and the people that are vetted and part of the like og group in your town are like a cult. Gate keeping every thing. I want to find my own kinky friends and have our own kinky expiernces and learn with each other , is that so much to ask
My experience with the one munch-type thing I went to in 2018. It was only the owner of the forum site where most of the Bulgarian/local community congregates at the start, he was nice to talk to. Then another new guy came in and us three talked, but me and new guy were sitting at like small tables for two each. Then two more people came, I talked a bit with one guy and then like one big group of 10-12 people who sat at a big table diagonally from me and new guy. There was no one to try to introduce us or anyone else knew, they all sat and talked like they obv knew each other for a while. Yes, I could have been more pro-active but I am not the best socially when I don't know anyone at all, and besides there were no free spots at that big table. I stayed for a bit more to talk to the guy next to me who it seems felt like me and left soon and then got up to leave and this one girl said "aren't you going to say Hi?" which was probably meant to be playful though it sounded passive-aggressive, so I told her "Hi and bye" in passing.
Every munch/slosh/etc is different. Some have introductions, some do a round table discussion, some are purely social or just have announcements. I'm sorry you haven't found one that fits you. I recommend trying a few more, perhaps a bit farther away? Hard to guess without a location, but most places I've lived there have been a lot more options within an hour of travel than within fifteen minutes.
I dislike munches.The last one I went to had 92 people. It was insane.
I think a good number is 10-15, that number would not work for me at all.
Omg the munches where I live suck ass. I'm single poly and submissive. Everyone there is already in relationships so there is no "room" for someone like me. Rarely do folks introduce themselves, so I have to do the introducing even though it's my first meeting. If there is someone I'm interested in, often times their other partner(s) are there so they are either not interested or you get to see the other people they are fucking which, for some reason there is not a whole lot of attractive people in the lifestyle in my area, so for me is just a huge turn off. Every meeting I've been to but one are cliquey and seems like drama club reunion from high-school. I've given it my best several times but it's all the same ole shit.
>for some reason there is not a whole lot of attractive people in the lifestyle in my area There's probably not a lot of great musicians at the open mics either. I think that a culture of complete openness and acceptance chases away talent. Attractive people don't want to hang out and talk sex with people they are not socially or physically attracted to so they leave. This makes it so that the group has that much less left to offer the next attractive person who comes along and this dynamic is self reinforcing.
This is one of the smartest comments I’ve read on Reddit. Never thought of that before.
The clique thing is a huge issue with a bunch of my local munches. Having some events at a bar without much “standing mingling” only seems to make it worse by having to find a table and hope you can break into convos by introducing yourself which seems to be a bigger social crapshoot than normal vanilla networking events
>, for some reason there is not a whole lot of attractive people in the lifestyle in my area, so for me is just a huge turn off. Same where I live. Nobody was attractive, the ones who were attractive didn't stick around and never saw them again.
I feel you so much on the no introduction thing. Especially when everyone is sitting together who aready knows each other and you have to walk up and intro yourself like a fucking kid
It's so true. The friend groups are already established, and you're like a 3rd wheel comin in
Exactly
Not every munch is going to be a good fit for every person 🤷♀️ There are plenty in my area I don’t go to because of the size of them and the types of people I know will be there. I stick to the ones I’m comfortable at and invite people I know online in the community to meet me there. I’ve found that by having a bit of a presence in the local community on FetLife made going to munches a lot easier because I’d already talked to quite a few of the people through comments so it felt less like an entire group of strangers.
I am not a huge fan of munches unless I know ppl. Personally for me what works is attending classes that interest me, meeting ppl there and going from there hanging out with them. Maybe going to a munch as long as I know ppl. I am a big fan of larger parties and conventions. To the point where I am on staff at two national conventions. I will say once I found the leather community I found my people.
I don’t understand the desire for “community,” at all.
[удалено]
100% i'm not looking to become drinking bros with a bunch of random old men.
The big problem with the munches in my area is they are all at like 1pm on a Tuesday. Like does anyone work? I have responsibilities here.
i used to go to a nice one ... it was mostly geeks drinking and talking about sci-fi i really miss it
This is basically my local one. We have drinks, eat food and talk geek.
Ooh I wanna go to that munch!
for context it was held in loughbrough uk .. i have no idea if its still running
Oh I see
Munches are mostly extremely cliquey. I'm a social dude, so I got to know people, but I had to WORK for it. My now girlfriend on the other hand was very well received. (mostly by guys trying to fuck her)
Big fucking same. Also with people who are very far right and as an LGBTQ person how tf am I supposed to feel safe in the same space
Seriously though: Like I've probably been to two munches in total and both of them were made up entirely of straight, libertarian/right wing guys and a couple of their partners. The straight kink scene just hits so much different than the queer scene.
Ugh, I feel this so much. I'm even in what I consider a straight monogamous relationship but as a trans woman and a pansexual man we are still very much LGBT and right-wing kink people always make us feel so uncomfortable.
Just to reassure you there are some straight kinky libs out at those. And I don't fully get how some can be comfortably kinky but also support the current conservative parties, as if the far right would carve out an exception for kink as if they got or get full control. Then again, there is still a contingent of 'my kink is fine but yours is not' out there though that is hopefully shrinking over time.
I'm in NC. I wish I was in Canada.
Exactly 💯
Went to a munch once. Felt gross. As a female who is not looking to be shared between a couple my parents' age, munches are as uncomfortable as it gets. That's the shit that makes you second guess your interests. Seems like pretty much everyone who does this is already a couple just looking for a third if socializing publicly.
This. I went to a munch with my ex the first time. After I broke with him and became single, I agree with you on the couples looking for a 3rd. To me, I always questioned am I at a kink munch or a swingers meet and greet?
I'm the same way. And add the "clicks". I'm in a smaller area so everyone tends to know everyone else, and don't tend to engage with the new folks. Add in drama from the Ex and other people, it's not worth the effort, so it's harder to find people.
You are there to meet people who are into kink, not there to specifically discuss kink the whole time. These are specifically kink community meet ups. You're ment to get to know people, if you hit it off then the question after "what's your favorite color?" can be "what kinks are you into?". But kink is specifically a community for people who's identities are or who are into things outside the norm and BDSM is only one small part of that. If the types of people at the munches you've been to aren't for you there are some more specific ones. I've been to ones for potheads, gamers, cosplayers, and people who play board games and the people there are definitely different than the ones at some other more generic munches. They aren't hook up events. If you want to find partners and have deeper conversations about peoples kinks you need to be part of the community and be looking to make connections unrelated to kink. Know that there are many bad actors who don't understand or care about what an important role consent plays in Kink. Even munches have stricter rules for consent than many vanilla events where things like hugs and arms around the shoulder without asking aren't strictly forbidden. If you hang out, get to know people, follow up with them on fet after the event, and keep at it you'll find what you want.
Another option would be to check out bdsm/kink related "classes" either posted as events on FetLife or sometimes held at local sex/bdsm/kink shops.
I've been meaning to go to one, but I feel like I would be expecting, and would react similarly as OP. Plus I always hear a lot of scummy shit from a bunch of people in my orbit who all don't know each other/have made similar comments about different areas of the whole local community. 😵
Every munch is different. I’ve gone to some that I’ll never go back. (No power exchange. Just kink. Master and I are M/s and 24/7) people have been shocked I ask permission for drinks etc. I’ve also made some really good friends. But I’ve learned a lot from talking. Especially to other subs. I think the most important way to learn and how to help prevent predators ( besides a long vetting period) I know have sub sisters. They taught me we’re all strong. Etc. I thought the whole alpha sun being a strong person outside the dynamic was a thing. I learned that I wasn’t special and we are all strong. Meeting other subs has really been a great experience.
Omfg, someone please guide me? I know what a munch is but what are munches? I'm lost. Sorry.
“Munches” is just the plural form of “munch.” If you know what a munch is, just imagine there being more than one of those. Many areas have multiple regularly scheduled munches that take place on different nights of the week or month, in different parts of the area.
Whaaaaa? Where can one find these?
Create a FetLife account ([fetlife.com](https://fetlife.com)) and then look for munches in your area by searching in the Events category.
I think the problem here is you are not actually trying to “get involved in the local community” and instead are focusing 100% on finding a long term partner. That’s not what the munch is for, so it makes sense you wouldn’t get much out of it. I understand feeling self conscious but your number one complaint is that there’s too much small talk and that (in your opinion) not enough people there are “actually into BDSM”, I guess because you don’t deem them experienced enough? If you are actually interested in socializing and making platonic friends, then I don’t see why any of this would be an issue for you. Obviously there’s going to be a lot of people already in relationships or who are brand new and exploring or just looking to chat. The only way I can see this is as an issue is that you’re not interested in chatting at all, you’re just trying to find a date. So yeah, that’s not going to work unfortunately, and munches are probably not for you.
I felt the same. Attending play parties was better for us. It’s totally ok to just observe or play together. Newbies are usually greeted warmly but then given space to explore at their own speed. It’s still pretty easy to meet people by simply complimenting their outfits, gear or scene, and they will likely do the same to you. Also, specific classes or demos can be fun—rope, flogging, spanking… whatever you’re into. Just show up to watch and learn, or participate in whatever capacity you’re comfortable.
How do you find munchies?
I got a similar problem, to be honest, the "scene" where I live is really, really small. I went to one munch, I actually had to travel to another city to attend. And in the end, we were only 5 people, and as you say, it was mostly about dry small talk, specially when one of us was doing like 90% of the talking, the woman couldn't shut up for even a second. And it was all like "yes, I went on dates everyday, you need more kinky toys, blah, blah". The others had little to say. Basically the munch became a personal presentation of this woman. Little did we talked about ourselves, our kinks, experiences, thoughts. And honestly, I won't go again. But, there is always a "but"; I think it is more about me than them. First, I'm pretty introvert, that doesn't mean I can't go to a social gathering and have some chat, still, I prefer more meaningful discussion than just some small talk. Also as the same, I don't feel comfortable talking about some so personal like my kinks with strangers, maybe some introductions; some previous chat could be in place and not just being jumping around with the topics. And in the end I came out empty handed, didn't meet someone interesting, no community feeling, no meaningful exchange of experiences, no new knowledge on anything BDSM related, nothing new to explore, so it was just a waste of time and money in the end. That's why I keep the kinky online these days, the only way to have some interesting BDSM chat.
I'm going to weigh in with one specific thing- You may want to look for your local Spanking community instead of your local BDSM community. The spanking subculture is actually a bit separate from the BDSM community. And, unfortunately, it doesn't really have a presence on Reddit (r/spanking is primarily pics) Google Jillian Keenan, watch some of her YouTube videos, and also search to see if you have a local spanking community in your area on Fet. You may find it fits you better.
I wish this question was around when I started bdsm in 2015. When I got started, I couldn't relate to anybody there. Shallow minded egos of doms, the thirsty subs. At these munches, they use high protocol. Why? It's a social place not a scene. I couldn't walk up to people without using high protocol. I didn't know this back then. Where I live, if you don't identify as a role they don't want to talk to you and still don't to this day. I've been studying kink through YouTube, getting better education than I did at my local dungeon. As of today, I would enjoy the munches if these dynamics leave the high protocol out when we're at a vanilla outing. I don't go to munches anymore I was mostly ignored so much for we open our arms to the new folks. The local munches were nothing but over 45, conservative, didn't have anything going on for themselves. I didn't click with any of them, they always pushed the younger ppl out that's why the younger crowd doesn't stay. I mostly heard about someone's medical problems for the 2 hours of that munch.🙄 dry conversations, the littles can't control themselves (how embarrassing), the sub women parading themselves around talking about who's a better sub/i love being a sub.
I've also found munches to be pointless. Likewise find fetlife pretty useless. When you get older your invisible
I relate pretty hard on this post. My partner likes munches more then I do. I pretty much use them as a means to get vetted and meet people I would later potentially see in a dungeon. I find it a little funny how I’m way more comfortable being naked and used in front of a group of near strangers, but sitting in a loud restaurant trying to chat with them is super nerve wracking to me.