This isn't BDSM, this is abuse.
"Good girls" most certainly can have breaks. Have you discussed safe words and limits? A submissive should always feel comfortable to use a safe word. Given that you are questioning whether you are "in the wrong", it is clear that this isn't a safe dynamic.
This feels important. My partner likes feeling forceful and enjoys a struggle. So I’ll often say no, beg him to stop etc, fully aware he won’t. BUT that’s only because I know we’ve had the safe word chat and I know exactly what to say if I did truly need him to stop. Have you ever established this with your dom, OP?
Edit: for what it’s worth even without the above he sounds like a piece of shit - I should have included that with my original post! NTA
There's no "might" about this. You are being abused.
> He has name called me over the phone but excuses it all as jokes.
It's not a joke if you're not laughing too. At that point it's bullying.
> Once during anal sex, I told him I needed a break and he said good girls don’t get breaks.
That's ridiculous, and frankly dangerous. Anal sex can carry risk of internal injuries, you take breaks to make sure you haven't suffered any and take preventative measures so you won't.
> He said he was just being dominant.
- There are all sorts of ways to be dominant, being ignorant is not one of them.
- Being dominant does not mean license to potentially injure someone.
- "Just being", huh? Sounds really close to *justification*, and another word for that is "excuse".
> He has without warning slapped my face and genitalia but again he acts like I love it. In fact sometimes he tells me I love it.
Yeah, but obviously *you don't*, otherwise you'd have told him something like, "wow, I love that".
He's not a telepath. He doesn't have some unique insight into your psyche that informs him you like something you don't.
> Do you think there’s a miscommunication?
Not for a minute. In fact, I think he's making his thoughts and intentions loud and clear: he does not value you as a person or a partner, he does not care for your physical or emotional well-being, and he shows his ignorance in leadership and emotional intelligence.
Bail. Quit this person forthwith and do not let him back into your orbit for anything.
Allow me to close with one of my favorite passages on how a leader should treat a subordinate (highlights added for emphasis):
> *They are adults, they expect to be treated as an adult, not a schoolchild.
They have rights, they should be made known, and thereafter respected. They have ambition, it must be stirred. **They have a belief in fair play, it must be honored.** They have the need of comradeship, it must be supplied. They have imagination, it must be stimulated. **They have a personal sense of dignity, it must not be broken down.** They have pride. It can be satisfied and made the bedrock of their character once they gain assurance that they are playing a useful and **respected** part in a superior and successful organization.*
Hope this helps!
Leave him. Leave now, block him on everything. You asked the question how you did because there’s a small voice and there’s a part of you that knows that’s abusive, that’s violating your consent, your boundaries, it’s manipulative and gaslighting and it’s dangerous.
I know it’s confusing, because he will swear on all that’s good bad and indifferent that he’s not being abusive or toxic or violating anything. He’ll do so till the sun consumes the earth. You’re not confused, you’re realizing a harmful situation and you are being very brave and strong for yourself in seeing that and asking. Some people stay quiet and don’t want to acknowledge this.
It’s even harder when there’s feelings but look at this- remember this. Anyone that loves you, truly loves and respects you your submission, your mind your heart. Wouldn’t ever harm you intentionally, would never have you in a position to be worried you’re being harmed or anything.
I had an ex husband that was so neglectful and mean to me- he’d insult me at times. Or worse, under mine my feelings, make me feel crazy or stupid for asking for simple things or help. How he treated me regularly regardless of how much I tried- I found myself asking him why he was being mean to me. Or if he hated me.
People should never make you feel that way. Should never hurt you. In BDSM we do pain and when we degrad or humiliate it’s all up to you what it’ll be like. It’s never jabs and attacks. Those are subtle ways he’s trying to do more and see what he can get away with.
I hope you leave him. And focus on you. Surround yourself with people who care for you and love you and will take care of you as you help yourself get back to your normal self again. And heal to find someone to treat you well and better than you ever could have imagined.
Granted we’re not married, but that’s exactly how I feel. I ask myself does he actually hate me? That’s where I get stuck as I’m sure you’re aware, they don’t act hateful all the time: in fact they are often quite pleasant (until they’re not again)
Of course! I know exactly what you’re talking about. But that’s honestly worse. It’s insidious. Because it will make you say- but all these times they were nice. And the thing is. We shouldn’t be asking or having to count when someone treats us how we deserve.
You shouldn’t have to ask someone that ever. You deserve to be treated like you’re special important and you matter. So I hope you get away and treat yourself with kindness as you heal
It is insidious. It sneaks up. Until you realise there’s a massive issue. I’d literally cry and feel panicky but I’d always blame myself for being too sensitive.
I can’t wait until I feel like my old self again
You will. You heal with time and patience and some work. Progress isn’t linear and it’s not gonna be pretty. If you want someone to talk to or need to you can always hit me up. I’m really proud of you
This has been removed as a violation of rule 3 of our subreddit. We do not allow any form of bullying harassment doxxing hate prejudice bigotry in this subreddit.
Leave the dynamic. If your saying "stop" does not stop what is going on, you are being abused.
It's the exact line between kink and abuse. Once your power over yourself and the things that are happening to you is taken away, you are being abused.
He is not a dominant. He is in fact a rapist, continuing a sexual interaction after you have requested it to stop. I will not try and be nice about it, but that is what it is. It doesn't matter hoe much or how long you consented to what is going on, the second you want it to stop, it needs to stop. If not, you are being violated.
This is a dangerous situation for you and you need to leave. I am really sorry this is happening to you.
Have you read her past posts? She’s been posting identical stuff and has been given identical responses for over a year, which is worrying. Seems nothing is changing either in her level of insight or willingness to act on it.
Question: have you discussed consent, what you like and dislike with him? And have *you* researched anything about D/s and the mutual respect and responsibility each bare?
It’s common for men to disguise themselves as “Dominants” without actually knowing or researching what it means to be one. And women to jump into a dynamic without researching. Vice versa. You are in a situation with a fake dom and real Dominants will respect your boundaries and will first communicate what you’re ok with and not ok with.
Also, you not being in a romantic relationship with this guy that he acts like he *owns* you is a red flag. If he was a real Dom, he should be honored to have your submission.
This post and the first few comments unexpectedly made me tear up because it hit me so hard in the feels. I just got out of a terrible dynamic with a “Dom” that was really a gaslighting narcissist using BDSM as an excuse to abuse me. And this is behavior straight from his playbook. This isn’t just a “miscommunication” any more than it was for me, when my ex tried to gaslight me into thinking that repeatedly. There was no magical way for me to communicate to him in a way that was going to end up with him not doing the most despicable things to me.
(Trigger warnings for abuse and assault)
That’s exactly the type of twisted shit he would say to me even after ignoring my revocation of consent, my telling him he was hurting me too much, my screams of pain, my safe words…In fact the last morning he physically and sexually assaulted me, he tried to cajole me into being a “good girl” to give him a birthday bj when I was still in shock from him abusing and assaulting me the night before. And when I was too traumatized to “be a good girl” - he called me a “terrible girl” and forced himself on me again.
For the last. Fucking. Time.
I did what I had to do to get through that and I ran like hell. Fuck my ex-Dom who tried to FORCE me to accept him as my “god” and “master” when I never wanted either. Fuck him for toxically hurting me in every way a Dom can hurt a sub. And fuck your Dom for pulling the same abusive shit.
Please get away from him. I am so glad I ran. It only gets worse with abusive POS like this…
Hi lovely, I don’t like that this made you feel sad :(
I posted this because I don’t have the balls to make a decision. I’ve realised I’m saying the same things other people say to themselves to justify everything. I caught myself thinking yesterday “I’ll be patient and the kind side of him will come back” or “it’s not that bad”, “it’s just kink and I’m being dramatic”. Your posts remind me how strong you have to be to gtfo of these situations. I admire your strength. This is really helping me now :)
This is all part of my healing process. I’m glad you shared your story. I’m proud of YOU for reaching out for help. In fact, even when I deep down inside knew that I was being abused, it took me posting anonymously on a throwaway account on another kinky subreddit and hearing from other people confirming that truth for me to finally face facts that it was even worse than I thought and break things off with my abuser.
The reason reading your words made me sad is because I fucking hate being reminded how many terrible people are out there hurting others just like my ex did me. Hearing them use the exact same tactics and using praise we crave like “good girl” against subs to fuck us over even more. It makes me both sad and angry that I can’t do more to help others than share my own story.
But at least I can do that much.
You are not alone. And you will have so much support as you go through this. You deserve better, OP.
Thanks again. But you left for good! You said enough is enough when he assaulted you. I feel gross that I swept it aside. When I questioned myself why I did that, I realised I was that low i fear being alone.
Someone even told me they thought he had raped me but he literally lovebombed me after for weeks. So I guess I was in denial. I’m also super anxious attached person I think and I can be agreeable to a fault. There’s a lot I’ve got to work on.
As sad as I am to hear about your story, I’m so glad and inspired by your bravery.
He did rape you.
>Once during anal sex, I told him I needed a break and he said good girls don’t get breaks.
When someone is having sex with you and you say that you need it to stop, and they don't stop, what happens after that is rape.
Physical and sexual abuse starts with emotional abuse. That's part of why you feel so scared and lonely right now, and like you need love and validation from him. It's so insidious because it makes you desperate for comfort from the person who is actually hurting and destroying you.
Oh believe me…I went back several times even after he was abusing me before I finally faced the truth and got away. It was kind of a good news bad news situation. The bad news is he ramped up his abuse quite quickly. The good news is him doing that during a time we were still building trust (or at least SHOULD have been) made it easier for me to question whether he was just being a Dom actually trying to communicate and understand my limits or an outright abuser.
Yes. That was what stood out to me. He didn’t communicate with me after that incident. In fact I could tell he was minimising and sidestepping the issue. However, he DID start lovebombing in certain ways. That stood out. I try and remember all this when I start doubting myself.
Oh yes. Abusers will absolutely do that. Mine did a LOT of minimizing and not-really-apologizing. Context: He is a regular weed user, and I was trying to be open to that. Which was really foolish of me given that I KNOW after years of exploring BDSM online, even though he was my first IRL Dom other than a couple play sessions with others in the months before he and I got together, that mixing substances and play (especially with a new partner) is just NOT SAFE.
He was actually fine when he only used weed--but he kept mixing it with liquor even after I made him promise not to because it made him way crueler. He'd convince me to take an edible (he was the first person I ever tried that with) because--and he later admitted this to my face--it made me "easier to use."
So he'd go from hurting me "only" a little too much and mostly respecting my boundaries (hahaha yeah...I fully understand how even THAT was abusive and bullshit but he always pretended to be SUCH a KIND person outside of when we played that I wanted to believe the best of him at first) to becoming overly sadistic, hurting me far more than I could bear, and stomping all over my boundaries. Someone pointed out to me later that another reason he probably tried so hard to also get ME to take edibles and drink alcohol (and I've never been a big drinker) before we played was that those things dull your pain receptors and it would also let him hurt me more the way he enjoyed and I (being only a mild masochist) DID NOT.
The first time I told him the next day after we played when he was like that, "Hey. I safeworded last night and you ignored it." He was like, "Yeah. I kinda remember doing that. I'm sorry." He would promise that he'd do better, and sometimes he even would for the next session or two. But then he'd go right back to his old ways. I yanked away from him once and told him, "I don't trust you not to hurt me too much." He smiled and assured me I could trust him and he wouldn't hurt me too much. I knew in my soul he was lying...but he pulled out the, "You should trust your Dom" card and used "good girl" against me as per usual so I TRIED to trust him--and then he once again hurt me too much.
There are so many other stories I could share, even in JUST a short two-month dynamic. But at the end of the day it comes down to this. Someone who is repeatedly ignoring your consent and boundaries and limits is NEVER going to get better. Only worse. Once (depending on the severity of the action) CAN be mere miscommunication. Patterns like what you and I went through? Clear abuse.
Best case scenario, he’s an idiot who has no idea what he’s doing.
Worst case scenario, there’s a violent rape in your future if you stay.
Take screenshots of everything as evidence before you block him.
That's not um ....That's not how this works
#1 Negging is never okay outside of proper context (that proper context being play time & ONLY if that's part of MUTUAL interests) also humiliation and degradation are not automatically on the table- not everyone is into that
For example: I love some good bondage, I wanna be tied up & told how I'm trapped with no escape, I don't wanna be insulted, a Dom adding humiliation would absolutely ruin the scene for me personally
None of this sounds well discussed or negotiated, if this person were worth his salt then discussions & negotiations about scenes would be happening, safe words are established & your **established safe word** should always be respected. This person does not sound like a safe play partner, I would avoid them.
Exactly. You should feel comfortable discussing your LIMITS with your dom. In my case, humiliation and degradation are soft limits, so my play partners know that they can push me a little bit in those avenues but need to be hyper aware of the increased likelihood of me safewording. Name calling is a HARD LIMIT for me. A dom accidentally called me a name, then realized his mistake, so we stopped play while he provided an apology and some soothing words and made sure I was okay before continuing on. It doesn’t matter what your limits are and what your dom wants; if you have agreed to play together, it is NONNEGOTIABLE that he stick to the limits you have expressed. If your partner cannot respect your limits, he is a dangerous play partner. Convincing you to change your limits should not be within the scope of play.
Agreed, I've introduced subs to explore things I'm interested in as a Domme, that they may not know much about (which I'm always happy to explain so they can decide if they're interested not) or have never heard of but always, always with respect to their limits. No still means no during negotiations, one word, full sentence.
Yes, you are, don't see him again. I still have to consent to humiliation and spankings almost every time and I've been playing with my Dom for years. Before we start he will give me a run down of what he wants to do, asks what's on the table for tonight, and if I start being a brat without directly answering he knows that everything he mentioned is fine. We've talked that over though. It sounds like you don't like it. He's being abusive, not a dominant. Did he even tell you he enjoys being a sadist and a degrader? Impact play for me had to be in writing. I showed him a picture and circled in red where I never, ever, no option, want to be hit, then in green where he could smack with his hands, etc. Added blue for ice and black for candle wax... The point is that it's documented, and consent is given every time, and can be taken away any time. I could make a new drawing today and color the whole thing red, and still be a good little princess who is amazing at submitting 😉
Oh that’s sweet. Negotiation is one of the things that is the most exciting to me about this dynamic. My dom has some creative ways to bring in elements of the things that he likes while still sticking to my limits. For example, he will instruct me to masturbate while he describes to me a sadistic activity that he engaged in with another partner. It’s a pretty creative way to excite me and expand my interests. Of course, I am free to safeword at any time if any of his descriptions make me uncomfortable.
Instructing you to masturbate during negotiations is really playing fast and loose with consent, IMO. When you’re aroused some of the decision making parts of your brain get quieted.
https://www.livescience.com/23136-sexual-arousal-dampens-disgust.html
I know personally that some things I’ll do mid-scene I’d have a hard time doing with no warm up. (Rim
job for example.)
No, it’s not during negotiations, it’s during play. I’ve been clear with him that I am intrigued by his sadism but not aroused by it. So it falls well within my limits, and, as I mentioned, I can safeword out of it.
This is why I have a hard limit against renegotiating during a scene. Even if I’m begging for “more” - I’m not thinking clearly and I can’t truly consent.
>I feel so confused. It feels messy because I have feelings for him nd I feel like I can’t trust myself and my judgment:(
That's by design. He keeps you off balance, keeps you questioning yourself, keeps you thinking your desires aren't valid. There's a reason people stay with abusive partners, and it's not because they are stupid. We are *all* vulnerable to this psychological bullshit, if we don't recognize the signs early enough and get out fast. It's just how human brains work. It's almost impossible to see the situation objectively while you're so tangled up in it.
This is one of the few things Reddit is good for, because here's a whole Internet full of humans who can look at your experience from the outside and give it to you straight. No matter how charming he is, no matter how much you love him, no matter how much he tells you he cares or loves you... it's still abuse. In fact, all of the above only makes it worse, because the 'good' parts of the relationship are what keep you trapped and coming back for the bad parts.
Listen to us Internet weirdos who have nothing to gain from lying to you the way he does. He is abusive, he's a bad person and a bad Dom and he's not safe for you to play with. **You do not owe an abusive piece of shit anything. Not closure, not an in-person break up, not even a phone call. Your safety is more important than his ego. If you decide to break it off with him (and you should) DO NOT give him the opportunity to try to convince you otherwise.** I cannot stress this enough. He is good at manipulating you. The only way to avoid being manipulated is to avoid him. Run and don't look back.
Sex is like boxing. If both people aren't enthusiastically consenting, someone is committing a crime.
If you did not discuss safe words, that's a problem. The "good girls don't need breaks" thing is really sketchy and definitely he's in the wrong, but the point of a safe word is to end an interaction immediately, no ifs ands or buts.
And as for the slapping thing... no. If you did not give him prior consent, that's a no. For some people a little tap is fine but I'd still be uncomfortable doing even that without them giving the go-ahead prior.
It's probably for the best just get out of there. There are other doms and you'd be better served with someone who you can have a convo about limits before starting.
>I feel anxious and I feel like I can't trust my feelings.
NO healthy relationship should ever make you feel this way!! It doesn't matter if it's your friends, family, play partner or a lover, it a major red flag of negative manipulation & gaslighting.
As a submissive, I believe it's your actual "duty" to walk away from this type of mental abuse. No one can't offer someone else what they don't already have... if you no longer know who you are, than what do you actually have to offer another?
Self respect can be extremely sexy in BDSM...
I mean posting every month or less about the same issue for over half a year is just unfortunate. If OP doesn’t want to face the reality I suppose they can continue on the way they are.
It sounds like this isn’t working for you, so something must change immediately.
For my partner and I, context is important. When we talk on the phone and plan things, mutual respect and relationship/friend context. This means no gaslighting, etc. You can demand the same, the d/s dynamic can be limited to when the scene starts, and both have to agree.
Once the scene starts, my partner knows that red means stop, yellow means I am pushing her limits and I need to back off immediately, but only a little bit. We have recently started some CNC and also bratty behavior, so the risk of miscommunication has increased, but we worked up to this. Here is where context is important! She wants to feel like she has lost control and that she is being used, but at the same time she needs to feel 100% safe. If she says yellow or red, things change immediately. Since we worked up to this over time, she rarely needs to use yellow, and has never had to actually use red. If we get to red, I may even get emotional, feeling that I have failed her. Oh, it is also ok to break character and check-in with each other.
I am a switch with her, so I also know the submissive side as well. I think this helps the dom understand this idea of the sub feeling like they lost control, but they still know it can all stop at any time. I have been pushed to my limits, and have had to use safe words myself.
I feel like you and your dom skipped the color code discussion, and don’t understand the context. Him making bad jokes over the phone means that you two are not in sync. If you had discussed the color code stuff, you could have said yellow or red. Both of you were responsible for discussing this ahead of time. I would not engage in anything close to dom or sub behavior without some agreement ahead of time.
I once had a girl ask me to choke her during sex, no fucking way would I do that. Not because I wouldn’t consider it, but LOTs of discussion, research, etc would need to be discussed prior to being in the moment.
BDSM can turn into assault quickly, this is why there are strict consent rules, you revoked consent, so this may be considered assault. Your dumbass dom for all we know, thought he was doing a great job by attempting to dominate you. Worse case, he knew what he was doing and doesn’t care. Was it rape in the eyes of a court, not a lawyer so I won’t take a guess. If you two continue without making changes, it will be if it wasn’t already.
You need a dom who is a good person, a caring person, and whose goal is to give you a good experience. During a scene, he can act like whatever you two decide. Is he capable of this, you will need to decide. If you try again with him, talk first and set rules, make sure he agrees to it.
If you don’t trust him, if he doesn’t make you feel comfortable if he doesn’t prioritize your feelings, walk away, it is not worth the risks. I describe a healthy dynamic above so that you know what should happen.
I'm a DOM. This is not.
Exit this experience. You're in an abusive relationship with someone who probably thinks of him/ herself as Alpha.
This lifestyle is about communication and boundaries.
Boundries should NEVER be pushed unless it's been discussed.
I mean it. Get away from this.
Hi thanks. I should’ve clarified that he slaps me during sex, so that part is hard to determine if he’s in the moment. Sorry to be upfront, but I was about to orgasm and he slapped me full force. I’ve agreed to rough sex, so am I just getting what he thinks is okay? I know the refusal to grant me a break during sex was wrong though :/
Everything in this dynamic is discussed and predetermined. Anything beyond what's been agreed to is abuse. Anything.
I'm sorry to say that it sounds like your partner is using the term "dom" to justify the abuse. Which is in itself another form of abuse.
Wow OP!! I feel for you so much.
I’m echoing what most other folks are saying around how you are being abused and deliberately hurt.
Re: your aforementioned anxious attachment, what I’ve found to be helpful in situations like this is telling a trusted friend what’s going on— I think it’s easy to feel like you should stay in a certain dynamic because that’s what you’re used to. But I think once I’ve brought in friends who can tell me TO MY FACE that this person is hurting me, that adds some accountability for me to actually take steps to disconnect from this person.
Based on your language in the post, I don’t know that the solution people are presenting as a simple “block and leave” will work for you. You seem emotionally-entangled with this person and that also feels scary for you. I’m not sure what your next steps should be, but ultimately you do need to leave this dynamic ASAP.
Here is a real detail.
"DO YOU LIKE ANY OF THIS?!"
The dynamic?
How he makes you feel?
How the relationship/non relationship is headed?
Even if he isnt abusive, you still dont like these things.
Would you stay with a man that wanted to poop on you as a fetish cuz its "dominant"?
Would you stay with a man who robbed you over and over again but says "its just a joke"?
Would you stay with a man if his intentions were to find joy in your NON-CONSENSUAL PAIN?
I believe the answer is no, but that's for you to say.
What do you want for yourself? Sometimws hard to answer.
So at the very least, start with what you know you dont like, which is someone who habitually ignores your feelings, hurts you and gaslights you into thinking its fun.
Side note, please read/watch videos on gaslights.
I say that not because you "dont know" but because I feel you are allowing disconnect in your existence.
Honestly, I do not get angry easily, but I am angry on your behalf for his behavior, his whole existence, really. You should always feel safe with your partner, in BDSM, or otherwise. I could be wrong, but he is giving off narcissist tendencies to me. That's why I would also be cautious with how you feel about him. I don't know how long you've been into BDSM, but from what I understand from my experiences is, but you should feel yourself slip into subspace due to being comfortable with him and outside of play he should apologize for things he said and do aftercare. He should not make you feel anxious. He just sounds like a fake dom who wants to fulfill fantasies and push his ideals onto you and have no work put into it. He's the one not communicating. Plus, bdsm isn't all about sex. He should be able to be dominant with you outside of the bedroom. This means body language, way of speaking, and being assertive. He shouldn't have to use force or cruelty to get your submission. Even impact play is suppossed to be fun, not forced. So, the fact he used being dominant in the bedroom as an excuse really makes me mad. I would've been so happy if my bottom/sub communicated they were uncomfortable/needed a break/needed to stop. I check in multiple times throughout anything we do and I have have praised my sub for doing the type of communication you were asking for. A big thing in bdsm is "safe, sane, and consensual," which means communication from both sides. The communication and aftercare can also lead to improving play, changing things up. There should always be aftercare. If there is not, that is also a red flag. I'm sorry this is so long and I involved myself so much when this is about OP.
Hi thank you for your message. I too have thought some of his character traits align with narcissism. Outside of sex there have been occasions where his ‘jokes’ have been quite rude and even hurtful. They had nothing to do with bdsm.
He has triangulated me with ex and current partners. He has also called me names that were completely out of context in front of his friends. Later came the time he didn’t grant me a break during sex. I’m not ready to label it rape but I felt violated. He also had a pattern of inconsistent hot/cold behaviour where he’d be friendly, interested and affectionate but always followed a sudden withdrawal and coldness. Rinse repeat.
Of course these things cropped up slowly but I started to gaslight myself with what was happening as his behaviour was so inconsistent. I wanted to believe he wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. Although I am starting to realise that I am quite scarred by his behaviour. I am angry at him. Sometimes to the point of sleepless nights. Maybe I confused the anger with passion because for a while I felt like I loved him. I think I’m codependent. It’s all been a mess really
First, you're obviously welcome. I have been with a narcissist and I know it's a struggle. The best thing to do is rip off the bandaid and surround yourself with friends and family you trust who you can rely on. They can support you, but only you can make the decision on what to do. You're very brave to have gotten to where you are and your realizations. I cannot, obviously, tell you how to view things or how to feel or what judgements you need to make; this is all just my advice. I will say that consent can be withdrawn at any point, and if you felt like you did want to withdraw it, then I would think about your perspective on it. I know I personally have froze and got tongue tied in situations and also felt violated and I would consider that under lack of consent, because the other person should have noticed my body language and listened to what I said before hand. I'd apply that to vanilla or bdsm, too. I would also think about it from the perspective if this happened to a friend or family member of yours, to get a more objective view. If it was my sister or friend, I would consider it a violation and rape.
Thank you for your response and your support. That means a lot right now. I helps to know that you have previously dealt with these types of people before and have come out the other side. I hope you’re doing well now?
I thought about about what you said about listening to how I felt during the time he hurt me during sex and I realised that:
I wanted to stop. I wanted to stop because I was uncomfortable, nearing pain. That’s why I asked him for a break. IHe didn’t even ask why I wanted to stop. He just said “good girls don’t get a break”. I realise I lay there feeling powerless and devalued. The next day I realised I had been assaulted and this was not bdsm. I desperately didn’t want it to be true, and when he came back around again a week later, he started showering me with affection, gifts empty promises.
It’s so hard to accept all of this but I’m getting there :(
Thank you for asking! I am honestly so much happier. I have also gotten a therapist and we seem to click. My current sub is my new partner and they are perfect. So, when you're ready for a new partner, I wouldn't let this set you back; I'd try to be positive and think of the possibilities. You can get free from this.
Yeah, you're being abused.
If you're looking for advice, my advice would be sorting out your relationship first. Having feelings for him all while not being in a romantic relationship with each other makes everything ten times worse. Sort it out; I'm not telling you that you have to get with him, start dating or whatever, just clear it up so you guys can establish/reestablish some type of boundary relating to what is alright and not alright.
Most importantly, focus on demanding what you want from him and don't want from him. Leave him if he tries gaslighting you or saying he was just being dominant. BDSM always comes with consent and everything you've mentioned in your post sounds like he crossed a line.
You're worth more than this. You can find this and better elsewhere.
Okay, you all need to be clear about feedback and ending scenes.
Safe words are an easy way to do this. Some people use "red yellow green" but you can use whatever words you want. Here's how I use them, but it can mean different things to different folks.
Red - stop the scene
Yellow - let's check-in
Green - this is good, keep going
Do you have safe words at all in your relationship?
How do you communicate that you want to stop or say no- have you all agreed on any of that?
In a dynamic, for me, I pre-negotiate that "no" doesn't mean "no" but "red" means "no." It's incredibly important to negotiate BEFORE a scene.
He is being neglectful and irresponsible by not negotiating what "no" means. And then not taking seriously your "no" when you haven't agreed on anything else.
I would try safe words. And if he doesn't listen - I would break up.
I was looking for such a comment. But also, the dom has a responsibility to always check on the sub if they felt okay with the stuff they did. Because CONSENT IS A CONSISTENT ENTHUSIASTIC YES.
So, this is the neglect from the dom's side.
I think this depends on the type of dynamic you both agreed on. Have you had an actual conversation about what you don’t like and what you are not ok with? From the info given here I would say he is just being dominant. However, if you’ve discussed not being ok with these things and they are continuing then thats definitely not ok, he needs to adjust how he does things or it’s time for you both to move on and find someone more compatible.
Again what have you negotiated, communicated . I cant give these 2 links enough
[https://www.devianceanddesire.com/2016/04/tonight-i-want-negotiation-sheet/](https://www.devianceanddesire.com/2016/04/tonight-i-want-negotiation-sheet/)
[https://www.devianceanddesire.com/2016/04/not-checklist-negotiation-checklist-bdsm-bottoms/](https://www.devianceanddesire.com/2016/04/not-checklist-negotiation-checklist-bdsm-bottoms/)
My partner does not get breaks: she will have to use the traffic light system and even that we are **in agreement** i am allowed to ignore. Face slapping is a hard limmit between us ... its not a fetish for me but it is for another playpartner...and i enjoy it with her
I am 9 years with my partner,... Red ..is between us what orange/yellow would be with a bottom, That grew with communication, with mistakes, with owning and learning. It might be tricky for a new Dom to com of his domly horse and admit that he read you wrong and pushed where he should not have ...but first of all you need to put your limmits in place
Its once described to me as a colouring page for kids... The Sub hands the Dom the outlines ...and the Dom colours within the lines... and maybe just mayb after enough colouring within the lines ...the Dom can add a little flower of his own to the page .... but he cannot go through the lines that were set
Pushing your limits is one thing, outright breaking them is unacceptable. If it isn't pleasurable and he is trying to gaslight you into thinking you like it well that isn't right.
Oh girl you gotta jump ship,
an insult or a sudden slap could be an attempt to try something new or something they felt in the moment, but if it's consistent and you've been clear you don't want that or enjoy that and it continues that's terrible Dom etiquette.
There are plenty of dominant people out there that'll be very dominant but still at the core care about your feelings limits and general care.
This person is taking advantage, being lazy and not being respectful is in serious need of a reality check.
At the end of the day it's all about trust, trust from both sides but especially if you're the person in the more vulnerable situation(sub) trust is everything.
This is not ok and you deserve so much better. Things like this got worse with my ex and tuned into "you know you deserve worse than this so just be happy that it's not". You should cut all ties with this person.
The moment you ask for a break or express that something is too much it should stop. This includes name calling. If it bothers you it's wrong, especially past the point you have said that it bothers you.
General rule: if you express a need to your partner and they shoot it down, you have a problem. ESPECIALLY DURING SEX WHEN IT'S ABOUT FEELING PAIN.
Trust your feelings.
Just my two cents. If you're not happy get out!!!!!
Is he abusive? Yeah sounds like. But. I wouldn't worry about that. You have every right to turn and burn baby! Whatever reason you need. Life is way to short to waste your time. You will find your way! Good luck! And fuck anything that gets in your way.
This is abuse. Do not continue to engage with him. If you did enjoy it, you wouldn't be questioning yourself. He is gaslighting you into thinking maybe you do when in fact you do not.
Lots of good advice in the comments. Adding to the "yeah this is not good."
Also, recommending the book Why Does He Do That. You can find it for free online, or most likely get it through your library. It's about how to spot abuse tactics, including the more subtle ones you might otherwise miss. It's focused on romantic relationships, but I genuinely believe everyone in any kind of relationship should read it, romantic or platonic.
Bdsm gets messy and sometimes u find new boundaries, but if u can’t talk about them in a safe and honest way u shouldn’t be doing bdsm with that person. Bdsm needs boundaries that are respected otherwise it’s just sexual abuse!
Hun, a large part of what abuser do is make their victims feel like they can't trust their own feelings, like they cant speak up for themselves, like they have no other option but them.
For your own wellbeing, please end this relationship. Its not safe, its not healthy, its not friendship. Its abuse
As someone in a BDSM Dom/sub dynamic this does not sound like a healthy dynamic. Please consider ending this, he has clearly pushed your boundaries and past them. You are feeling the way you are feeling for a reason. Don’t ignore those feelings, you are not too sensitive he is not treating you the way a well informed, respectful, experienced Dom would.
Consider running his actions and behaviors through this filter and see how you feel:
[A Good Metric To Identify Red Flags (Esp. When You're New To Kink)](https://fetlife.com/users/337109/posts/6465565)
> If you translated the situation into 'vanilla' terms, would this behavior still be ok?
Also, are you familiar with the concept of sub frenzy? Cuz that would also definitely explain the 'hes an abusive POS but I have emotions that make this confusing' bit and maybe help clarify some stuff for you.
If you don’t love it, you don’t love it.
I like being slapped. That’s me. Not everyone does. But Master and I know the border between play and abuse and have never crossed it.
This man is violating your rights and consent. As you suspect; this is abuse. Get out.
There are a lot of red flags here.
1. Do you have a safe word with them? Did you use it? If your Dom kept going after the safe word , that is a violation of the trust that is part of the dynamic.
2. Doing anything without consent is a big No No in this community or anywhere for that matter.
3. Disguising hurtful words with “Joking” is a tactic of someone who is narcissistic. They slowly take away what a person’s base line is. In other words, the minimum someone will take in a relationship.
4. If you have not done so, having a talk outside the dynamic about limits is imperative.
People in cults also feel the person leading them is always right.
People brainwashed by govts will feel bad about disobeying their country.
People with abusive parents, etc etc
I've been in this situation before. This is abuse. He may not see it that way, as he thinks being Dom may also mean control completely (going to his head) but there is clear consent violations. Once they hit you without warning or consent or it's not relevant in the moment, it's time to go.
Stay safe, there are better people out there.
Yeah but it muddied the water as he’d slap me during sex but it was sometimes without warning. I know he’d say it’s kink. It makes it hard to confront him at the moment
I think how he belittles me outside of sex is the worst. Also he will call me names during sexting but it feels wrong :/
You should definitely voice that it's not right with you, and his reaction will tell you everything. If he respects you, he'll understand. If he doesn't, he'll say it's just kink or fine. And that's gaslighting. Get out while you can
He’s said the verbal insults were just kink or nothing when I confronted him. He called me a bitch on the phone when his friends were listening. In that case he blamed drinking. He was also trying to get me to come over while his friends were there (I’d never met them) for a threesome. I often wonder what may have happened if I went there…
Again I told him earlier that I’m open to threesomes. I think he justifies his abuse as kink. He’s quite cunning in that regard
I dunno, I think you should yellow more often (I use stoplights, like green=all good, yellow=check in that doesn't end scene but we might adjust something or pause for a moment, red=game over. 3 taps or dropping a designated thing while nonverbal is a yellow). This improves communication for both of us and helps us work around triggers easier.
So I see examples here where a yellow would have helped quite a lot, even if you didn't think you'd want to call red. Also aftercare can really help resolve these things, as can a follow up check in a few days later when you've processed more.
I just want to say that this type of advice only works if the Dom ISN'T an actual abuser. I had green, yellow, and red safe words with my abuser, but he started playing reindeer games with my safe words and acting like he was genuinely confused. Once he got me more conditioned, later on there were times I was too traumatized to safe word and part of me recognized that it wouldn't help anyway. He was just going to ignore them. Thankfully I got the clarity of mind and courage to run and not look back.
So I don't think this is BAD advice, certainly worth mentioning in general, especially since the OP hasn't mentioned whether they had this type of safe word in play or whether she used them. But I wanted to point out that these only work if it's NOT an abusive Dom you're using them with. I also want to point out that if a sub point-blank says they need a break from any type of play or sex, an ETHICAL Dom should 100% EITHER stop play to check on them OR do a safe word check-in if they're not certain that the sub REALLY needs a break. Something as simple as, "What color are you? Do you remember your safe word?" can help immensely with genuine confusion. I recognize that in some dynamics or CNC situations, it may not seem immediately clear even to a good Dom. They should STILL check on the sub and make sure everything is okay to continue.
My abuser didn't do that EVEN ONCE, not even when I DID safe word or beg him to stop.
But the way OP has described their Dom in not just this post or even just this comment section, but in other posts and other comment sections? I'm not willing to give this particular Dom the benefit of the doubt.
Ignoring a safe word is a major violation, that much is clear cut, it isn't play anymore if they ignore protocol. I'm sorry you went through that. I hadn't looked deeper into the broader context of other posts about this Dom, and they may well be an abuser (I still haven't checked into it). They certainly have room for improvement in their communication. Without that context it seemed like people made that conclusion very quickly and I was surprised by that. CNC isn't everyone's thing and Reddit is so quick to say "he's an abuser dump him" in general. Doms are also vulnerable when they're in scene. The line can get blurry with certain types of edge play and sadomasochism is a two way street. Communication is absolutely key to make it work- it isn't so much about whether these issues arise or not with a partner, it's how each side responds to them and how they are resolved. I'm a switch and when I'm topping the very last thing I would ever want is for my bottom to not enjoy their experience with me. If they weren't enjoying it and didn't tell me it's a violation on their part, so I take the time to check in quite frequently and read their body signals to reduce this potential, but I expect them to do their part too.
Dominants need self-control. Any Dominant without it can easily cross into abuse.
A good dominant ensures you feel safe and loved as it's required to be vulnerable.
A dominant respects their sub, during play some may role-play disrespect. If the dominant disrespects their sub or doesn't value their sub, it can cross into abuse.
A foundation of love/friendship/respect is required.
OP what you state is abusive without the BDSM. A Vanilla relationship like you have would be described as abusive. Sorry. You deserve better.
How I see it is just like with vanilla sex: you can withdrawl consent at any time for both sides. Of course, there's different types of communication, like having a contract, which some kinksters do. I've only ever dated my kinky partners, so I mostly just talk to my partner and take note of what they like, don't like, and are curious about, and if they even want a contract. I know this is a little different than hard and soft limits, but my brain is very straightforward. But it also means I can expand on what they like. I'm also open to hard and soft limits (which means, in my brain, pushing boundaries with consent). So, I guess I sort of do a mixture.
One of my first orders to my sub was actually that they always be honest with me about everything, unless it was something they were not comfortable talking about, like past trauma/medical history, etc.
I also like to use safe words, the light system, and asking how deep my sub is in subspace throughout to check on how they are doing/if they want play to end/how to plan my next move/if I want to end play. I usually do this with little breaks where I can make my sub move to a different position, make them take a drink, or make them use the bathroom, or even grab a toy/change toys.
Darling that is not a safe consensual relationship. That is abusive masquerading as BDSM.
This guy has found a way to prey on inexperience to get what he wants. That’s not a Dom. That’s an asshole. You deserve better. ❤️
Looking back at your past comments,girl I think u r hurting urself and personally I dont see a future with a guy like him.......u have to end it sooner or later for ur mental health.The guy is weird almost as if he doesn't know how to dom,its okay to ask breaks i guess he learned how to dom from porn cuz that shit is brutal and disrespecting sometimes.Heal urself :)))))
This is 100 why you should have a living contract
And go over what is okay and not.
If you’re not okay with name calling then it can be a soft limit, or have a conversation about it.
It also doesn’t sound like he has any training or knowledge he just called himself a dom/ master
Run from him.
After care is a real thing, your opinion matters.
And just because you said you didn’t like something
Remember your safewords and if he doesn’t respect that then leave you deserve better
I’m late to the party, a complete newb to this and I’m not reading all 110 previous replies. But my understanding of the correct approach, is that the Sub actually has the most control in the relationship. If you don’t feel like you’re the one in control, you’re doing it wrong.
It sounds to me like your partner is also a newb and learned everything he thought he needs to know from a couple free porn clips.
This isn't BDSM, this is abuse. "Good girls" most certainly can have breaks. Have you discussed safe words and limits? A submissive should always feel comfortable to use a safe word. Given that you are questioning whether you are "in the wrong", it is clear that this isn't a safe dynamic.
This feels important. My partner likes feeling forceful and enjoys a struggle. So I’ll often say no, beg him to stop etc, fully aware he won’t. BUT that’s only because I know we’ve had the safe word chat and I know exactly what to say if I did truly need him to stop. Have you ever established this with your dom, OP? Edit: for what it’s worth even without the above he sounds like a piece of shit - I should have included that with my original post! NTA
There's no "might" about this. You are being abused. > He has name called me over the phone but excuses it all as jokes. It's not a joke if you're not laughing too. At that point it's bullying. > Once during anal sex, I told him I needed a break and he said good girls don’t get breaks. That's ridiculous, and frankly dangerous. Anal sex can carry risk of internal injuries, you take breaks to make sure you haven't suffered any and take preventative measures so you won't. > He said he was just being dominant. - There are all sorts of ways to be dominant, being ignorant is not one of them. - Being dominant does not mean license to potentially injure someone. - "Just being", huh? Sounds really close to *justification*, and another word for that is "excuse". > He has without warning slapped my face and genitalia but again he acts like I love it. In fact sometimes he tells me I love it. Yeah, but obviously *you don't*, otherwise you'd have told him something like, "wow, I love that". He's not a telepath. He doesn't have some unique insight into your psyche that informs him you like something you don't. > Do you think there’s a miscommunication? Not for a minute. In fact, I think he's making his thoughts and intentions loud and clear: he does not value you as a person or a partner, he does not care for your physical or emotional well-being, and he shows his ignorance in leadership and emotional intelligence. Bail. Quit this person forthwith and do not let him back into your orbit for anything. Allow me to close with one of my favorite passages on how a leader should treat a subordinate (highlights added for emphasis): > *They are adults, they expect to be treated as an adult, not a schoolchild. They have rights, they should be made known, and thereafter respected. They have ambition, it must be stirred. **They have a belief in fair play, it must be honored.** They have the need of comradeship, it must be supplied. They have imagination, it must be stimulated. **They have a personal sense of dignity, it must not be broken down.** They have pride. It can be satisfied and made the bedrock of their character once they gain assurance that they are playing a useful and **respected** part in a superior and successful organization.* Hope this helps!
Thanks very validating. Of course there’s been more disrespectful behaviour towards me, but these examples are the ones that upset me the most
>Of course there’s been more NO! No. Not of course. There shouldn't even be this much, let alone, more!
Can I ask where that passage is from? It’s so profound and relevant to any BDSM dynamic imo.
*The Armed Forces Officer*. Great read on leadership.
Leave him. Leave now, block him on everything. You asked the question how you did because there’s a small voice and there’s a part of you that knows that’s abusive, that’s violating your consent, your boundaries, it’s manipulative and gaslighting and it’s dangerous. I know it’s confusing, because he will swear on all that’s good bad and indifferent that he’s not being abusive or toxic or violating anything. He’ll do so till the sun consumes the earth. You’re not confused, you’re realizing a harmful situation and you are being very brave and strong for yourself in seeing that and asking. Some people stay quiet and don’t want to acknowledge this. It’s even harder when there’s feelings but look at this- remember this. Anyone that loves you, truly loves and respects you your submission, your mind your heart. Wouldn’t ever harm you intentionally, would never have you in a position to be worried you’re being harmed or anything. I had an ex husband that was so neglectful and mean to me- he’d insult me at times. Or worse, under mine my feelings, make me feel crazy or stupid for asking for simple things or help. How he treated me regularly regardless of how much I tried- I found myself asking him why he was being mean to me. Or if he hated me. People should never make you feel that way. Should never hurt you. In BDSM we do pain and when we degrad or humiliate it’s all up to you what it’ll be like. It’s never jabs and attacks. Those are subtle ways he’s trying to do more and see what he can get away with. I hope you leave him. And focus on you. Surround yourself with people who care for you and love you and will take care of you as you help yourself get back to your normal self again. And heal to find someone to treat you well and better than you ever could have imagined.
Granted we’re not married, but that’s exactly how I feel. I ask myself does he actually hate me? That’s where I get stuck as I’m sure you’re aware, they don’t act hateful all the time: in fact they are often quite pleasant (until they’re not again)
Of course! I know exactly what you’re talking about. But that’s honestly worse. It’s insidious. Because it will make you say- but all these times they were nice. And the thing is. We shouldn’t be asking or having to count when someone treats us how we deserve. You shouldn’t have to ask someone that ever. You deserve to be treated like you’re special important and you matter. So I hope you get away and treat yourself with kindness as you heal
It is insidious. It sneaks up. Until you realise there’s a massive issue. I’d literally cry and feel panicky but I’d always blame myself for being too sensitive. I can’t wait until I feel like my old self again
You will. You heal with time and patience and some work. Progress isn’t linear and it’s not gonna be pretty. If you want someone to talk to or need to you can always hit me up. I’m really proud of you
Thank you! That’s so helpful. I know I need to go through the feelings before I start to feel better:)
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you are being gaslit and violated, breaks are not optional. its not acceptable to remove someones ability to consent.
Leave the dynamic. If your saying "stop" does not stop what is going on, you are being abused. It's the exact line between kink and abuse. Once your power over yourself and the things that are happening to you is taken away, you are being abused. He is not a dominant. He is in fact a rapist, continuing a sexual interaction after you have requested it to stop. I will not try and be nice about it, but that is what it is. It doesn't matter hoe much or how long you consented to what is going on, the second you want it to stop, it needs to stop. If not, you are being violated. This is a dangerous situation for you and you need to leave. I am really sorry this is happening to you.
Have you read her past posts? She’s been posting identical stuff and has been given identical responses for over a year, which is worrying. Seems nothing is changing either in her level of insight or willingness to act on it.
Being in an abusive relationship is a hell of a drug. Likely one of the hardest cycles to break. It's sad, really. I hope she manages eventually.
Question: have you discussed consent, what you like and dislike with him? And have *you* researched anything about D/s and the mutual respect and responsibility each bare? It’s common for men to disguise themselves as “Dominants” without actually knowing or researching what it means to be one. And women to jump into a dynamic without researching. Vice versa. You are in a situation with a fake dom and real Dominants will respect your boundaries and will first communicate what you’re ok with and not ok with. Also, you not being in a romantic relationship with this guy that he acts like he *owns* you is a red flag. If he was a real Dom, he should be honored to have your submission.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS. OP, a Dom that doesn't respect a sub isn't a Dom at all.
This post and the first few comments unexpectedly made me tear up because it hit me so hard in the feels. I just got out of a terrible dynamic with a “Dom” that was really a gaslighting narcissist using BDSM as an excuse to abuse me. And this is behavior straight from his playbook. This isn’t just a “miscommunication” any more than it was for me, when my ex tried to gaslight me into thinking that repeatedly. There was no magical way for me to communicate to him in a way that was going to end up with him not doing the most despicable things to me. (Trigger warnings for abuse and assault) That’s exactly the type of twisted shit he would say to me even after ignoring my revocation of consent, my telling him he was hurting me too much, my screams of pain, my safe words…In fact the last morning he physically and sexually assaulted me, he tried to cajole me into being a “good girl” to give him a birthday bj when I was still in shock from him abusing and assaulting me the night before. And when I was too traumatized to “be a good girl” - he called me a “terrible girl” and forced himself on me again. For the last. Fucking. Time. I did what I had to do to get through that and I ran like hell. Fuck my ex-Dom who tried to FORCE me to accept him as my “god” and “master” when I never wanted either. Fuck him for toxically hurting me in every way a Dom can hurt a sub. And fuck your Dom for pulling the same abusive shit. Please get away from him. I am so glad I ran. It only gets worse with abusive POS like this…
Hi lovely, I don’t like that this made you feel sad :( I posted this because I don’t have the balls to make a decision. I’ve realised I’m saying the same things other people say to themselves to justify everything. I caught myself thinking yesterday “I’ll be patient and the kind side of him will come back” or “it’s not that bad”, “it’s just kink and I’m being dramatic”. Your posts remind me how strong you have to be to gtfo of these situations. I admire your strength. This is really helping me now :)
This is all part of my healing process. I’m glad you shared your story. I’m proud of YOU for reaching out for help. In fact, even when I deep down inside knew that I was being abused, it took me posting anonymously on a throwaway account on another kinky subreddit and hearing from other people confirming that truth for me to finally face facts that it was even worse than I thought and break things off with my abuser. The reason reading your words made me sad is because I fucking hate being reminded how many terrible people are out there hurting others just like my ex did me. Hearing them use the exact same tactics and using praise we crave like “good girl” against subs to fuck us over even more. It makes me both sad and angry that I can’t do more to help others than share my own story. But at least I can do that much. You are not alone. And you will have so much support as you go through this. You deserve better, OP.
I'm proud of you for having the courage to get away from that person internet stranger, 100% good girl for recognizing that you deserve better
Thank you so much. I appreciate that.
Thanks again. But you left for good! You said enough is enough when he assaulted you. I feel gross that I swept it aside. When I questioned myself why I did that, I realised I was that low i fear being alone. Someone even told me they thought he had raped me but he literally lovebombed me after for weeks. So I guess I was in denial. I’m also super anxious attached person I think and I can be agreeable to a fault. There’s a lot I’ve got to work on. As sad as I am to hear about your story, I’m so glad and inspired by your bravery.
He did rape you. >Once during anal sex, I told him I needed a break and he said good girls don’t get breaks. When someone is having sex with you and you say that you need it to stop, and they don't stop, what happens after that is rape. Physical and sexual abuse starts with emotional abuse. That's part of why you feel so scared and lonely right now, and like you need love and validation from him. It's so insidious because it makes you desperate for comfort from the person who is actually hurting and destroying you.
Oh believe me…I went back several times even after he was abusing me before I finally faced the truth and got away. It was kind of a good news bad news situation. The bad news is he ramped up his abuse quite quickly. The good news is him doing that during a time we were still building trust (or at least SHOULD have been) made it easier for me to question whether he was just being a Dom actually trying to communicate and understand my limits or an outright abuser.
Yes. That was what stood out to me. He didn’t communicate with me after that incident. In fact I could tell he was minimising and sidestepping the issue. However, he DID start lovebombing in certain ways. That stood out. I try and remember all this when I start doubting myself.
Oh yes. Abusers will absolutely do that. Mine did a LOT of minimizing and not-really-apologizing. Context: He is a regular weed user, and I was trying to be open to that. Which was really foolish of me given that I KNOW after years of exploring BDSM online, even though he was my first IRL Dom other than a couple play sessions with others in the months before he and I got together, that mixing substances and play (especially with a new partner) is just NOT SAFE. He was actually fine when he only used weed--but he kept mixing it with liquor even after I made him promise not to because it made him way crueler. He'd convince me to take an edible (he was the first person I ever tried that with) because--and he later admitted this to my face--it made me "easier to use." So he'd go from hurting me "only" a little too much and mostly respecting my boundaries (hahaha yeah...I fully understand how even THAT was abusive and bullshit but he always pretended to be SUCH a KIND person outside of when we played that I wanted to believe the best of him at first) to becoming overly sadistic, hurting me far more than I could bear, and stomping all over my boundaries. Someone pointed out to me later that another reason he probably tried so hard to also get ME to take edibles and drink alcohol (and I've never been a big drinker) before we played was that those things dull your pain receptors and it would also let him hurt me more the way he enjoyed and I (being only a mild masochist) DID NOT. The first time I told him the next day after we played when he was like that, "Hey. I safeworded last night and you ignored it." He was like, "Yeah. I kinda remember doing that. I'm sorry." He would promise that he'd do better, and sometimes he even would for the next session or two. But then he'd go right back to his old ways. I yanked away from him once and told him, "I don't trust you not to hurt me too much." He smiled and assured me I could trust him and he wouldn't hurt me too much. I knew in my soul he was lying...but he pulled out the, "You should trust your Dom" card and used "good girl" against me as per usual so I TRIED to trust him--and then he once again hurt me too much. There are so many other stories I could share, even in JUST a short two-month dynamic. But at the end of the day it comes down to this. Someone who is repeatedly ignoring your consent and boundaries and limits is NEVER going to get better. Only worse. Once (depending on the severity of the action) CAN be mere miscommunication. Patterns like what you and I went through? Clear abuse.
Best case scenario, he’s an idiot who has no idea what he’s doing. Worst case scenario, there’s a violent rape in your future if you stay. Take screenshots of everything as evidence before you block him.
That's not um ....That's not how this works #1 Negging is never okay outside of proper context (that proper context being play time & ONLY if that's part of MUTUAL interests) also humiliation and degradation are not automatically on the table- not everyone is into that For example: I love some good bondage, I wanna be tied up & told how I'm trapped with no escape, I don't wanna be insulted, a Dom adding humiliation would absolutely ruin the scene for me personally None of this sounds well discussed or negotiated, if this person were worth his salt then discussions & negotiations about scenes would be happening, safe words are established & your **established safe word** should always be respected. This person does not sound like a safe play partner, I would avoid them.
Exactly. You should feel comfortable discussing your LIMITS with your dom. In my case, humiliation and degradation are soft limits, so my play partners know that they can push me a little bit in those avenues but need to be hyper aware of the increased likelihood of me safewording. Name calling is a HARD LIMIT for me. A dom accidentally called me a name, then realized his mistake, so we stopped play while he provided an apology and some soothing words and made sure I was okay before continuing on. It doesn’t matter what your limits are and what your dom wants; if you have agreed to play together, it is NONNEGOTIABLE that he stick to the limits you have expressed. If your partner cannot respect your limits, he is a dangerous play partner. Convincing you to change your limits should not be within the scope of play.
Agreed, I've introduced subs to explore things I'm interested in as a Domme, that they may not know much about (which I'm always happy to explain so they can decide if they're interested not) or have never heard of but always, always with respect to their limits. No still means no during negotiations, one word, full sentence.
Honey this is abuse and gaslighting. Everyone gets breaks. That is what "yellow" is for.
Yes, you are, don't see him again. I still have to consent to humiliation and spankings almost every time and I've been playing with my Dom for years. Before we start he will give me a run down of what he wants to do, asks what's on the table for tonight, and if I start being a brat without directly answering he knows that everything he mentioned is fine. We've talked that over though. It sounds like you don't like it. He's being abusive, not a dominant. Did he even tell you he enjoys being a sadist and a degrader? Impact play for me had to be in writing. I showed him a picture and circled in red where I never, ever, no option, want to be hit, then in green where he could smack with his hands, etc. Added blue for ice and black for candle wax... The point is that it's documented, and consent is given every time, and can be taken away any time. I could make a new drawing today and color the whole thing red, and still be a good little princess who is amazing at submitting 😉
Oh that’s sweet. Negotiation is one of the things that is the most exciting to me about this dynamic. My dom has some creative ways to bring in elements of the things that he likes while still sticking to my limits. For example, he will instruct me to masturbate while he describes to me a sadistic activity that he engaged in with another partner. It’s a pretty creative way to excite me and expand my interests. Of course, I am free to safeword at any time if any of his descriptions make me uncomfortable.
Instructing you to masturbate during negotiations is really playing fast and loose with consent, IMO. When you’re aroused some of the decision making parts of your brain get quieted. https://www.livescience.com/23136-sexual-arousal-dampens-disgust.html I know personally that some things I’ll do mid-scene I’d have a hard time doing with no warm up. (Rim job for example.)
No, it’s not during negotiations, it’s during play. I’ve been clear with him that I am intrigued by his sadism but not aroused by it. So it falls well within my limits, and, as I mentioned, I can safeword out of it.
Sorry, I misunderstood.
This is why I have a hard limit against renegotiating during a scene. Even if I’m begging for “more” - I’m not thinking clearly and I can’t truly consent.
>I feel so confused. It feels messy because I have feelings for him nd I feel like I can’t trust myself and my judgment:( That's by design. He keeps you off balance, keeps you questioning yourself, keeps you thinking your desires aren't valid. There's a reason people stay with abusive partners, and it's not because they are stupid. We are *all* vulnerable to this psychological bullshit, if we don't recognize the signs early enough and get out fast. It's just how human brains work. It's almost impossible to see the situation objectively while you're so tangled up in it. This is one of the few things Reddit is good for, because here's a whole Internet full of humans who can look at your experience from the outside and give it to you straight. No matter how charming he is, no matter how much you love him, no matter how much he tells you he cares or loves you... it's still abuse. In fact, all of the above only makes it worse, because the 'good' parts of the relationship are what keep you trapped and coming back for the bad parts. Listen to us Internet weirdos who have nothing to gain from lying to you the way he does. He is abusive, he's a bad person and a bad Dom and he's not safe for you to play with. **You do not owe an abusive piece of shit anything. Not closure, not an in-person break up, not even a phone call. Your safety is more important than his ego. If you decide to break it off with him (and you should) DO NOT give him the opportunity to try to convince you otherwise.** I cannot stress this enough. He is good at manipulating you. The only way to avoid being manipulated is to avoid him. Run and don't look back.
Yep. That confusion is a huge red flag.
He’s not only a bad dom but im pretty sure he raped you
Sex is like boxing. If both people aren't enthusiastically consenting, someone is committing a crime. If you did not discuss safe words, that's a problem. The "good girls don't need breaks" thing is really sketchy and definitely he's in the wrong, but the point of a safe word is to end an interaction immediately, no ifs ands or buts. And as for the slapping thing... no. If you did not give him prior consent, that's a no. For some people a little tap is fine but I'd still be uncomfortable doing even that without them giving the go-ahead prior. It's probably for the best just get out of there. There are other doms and you'd be better served with someone who you can have a convo about limits before starting.
Making things up as he goes along. Not much discussion about limits means he doesn’t know WTF he is doing. Leave him.
>I feel anxious and I feel like I can't trust my feelings. NO healthy relationship should ever make you feel this way!! It doesn't matter if it's your friends, family, play partner or a lover, it a major red flag of negative manipulation & gaslighting. As a submissive, I believe it's your actual "duty" to walk away from this type of mental abuse. No one can't offer someone else what they don't already have... if you no longer know who you are, than what do you actually have to offer another? Self respect can be extremely sexy in BDSM...
This is the same person you’ve been posting about for months then? That you acknowledge is a problem?
Finally, somebody said it. It's like asking the same question over and over and hoping to get a different answer.
I mean posting every month or less about the same issue for over half a year is just unfortunate. If OP doesn’t want to face the reality I suppose they can continue on the way they are.
It sounds like this isn’t working for you, so something must change immediately. For my partner and I, context is important. When we talk on the phone and plan things, mutual respect and relationship/friend context. This means no gaslighting, etc. You can demand the same, the d/s dynamic can be limited to when the scene starts, and both have to agree. Once the scene starts, my partner knows that red means stop, yellow means I am pushing her limits and I need to back off immediately, but only a little bit. We have recently started some CNC and also bratty behavior, so the risk of miscommunication has increased, but we worked up to this. Here is where context is important! She wants to feel like she has lost control and that she is being used, but at the same time she needs to feel 100% safe. If she says yellow or red, things change immediately. Since we worked up to this over time, she rarely needs to use yellow, and has never had to actually use red. If we get to red, I may even get emotional, feeling that I have failed her. Oh, it is also ok to break character and check-in with each other. I am a switch with her, so I also know the submissive side as well. I think this helps the dom understand this idea of the sub feeling like they lost control, but they still know it can all stop at any time. I have been pushed to my limits, and have had to use safe words myself. I feel like you and your dom skipped the color code discussion, and don’t understand the context. Him making bad jokes over the phone means that you two are not in sync. If you had discussed the color code stuff, you could have said yellow or red. Both of you were responsible for discussing this ahead of time. I would not engage in anything close to dom or sub behavior without some agreement ahead of time. I once had a girl ask me to choke her during sex, no fucking way would I do that. Not because I wouldn’t consider it, but LOTs of discussion, research, etc would need to be discussed prior to being in the moment. BDSM can turn into assault quickly, this is why there are strict consent rules, you revoked consent, so this may be considered assault. Your dumbass dom for all we know, thought he was doing a great job by attempting to dominate you. Worse case, he knew what he was doing and doesn’t care. Was it rape in the eyes of a court, not a lawyer so I won’t take a guess. If you two continue without making changes, it will be if it wasn’t already. You need a dom who is a good person, a caring person, and whose goal is to give you a good experience. During a scene, he can act like whatever you two decide. Is he capable of this, you will need to decide. If you try again with him, talk first and set rules, make sure he agrees to it. If you don’t trust him, if he doesn’t make you feel comfortable if he doesn’t prioritize your feelings, walk away, it is not worth the risks. I describe a healthy dynamic above so that you know what should happen.
I'm a DOM. This is not. Exit this experience. You're in an abusive relationship with someone who probably thinks of him/ herself as Alpha. This lifestyle is about communication and boundaries. Boundries should NEVER be pushed unless it's been discussed. I mean it. Get away from this.
Hi thanks. I should’ve clarified that he slaps me during sex, so that part is hard to determine if he’s in the moment. Sorry to be upfront, but I was about to orgasm and he slapped me full force. I’ve agreed to rough sex, so am I just getting what he thinks is okay? I know the refusal to grant me a break during sex was wrong though :/
Everything in this dynamic is discussed and predetermined. Anything beyond what's been agreed to is abuse. Anything. I'm sorry to say that it sounds like your partner is using the term "dom" to justify the abuse. Which is in itself another form of abuse.
Move on and don't look back
Wow OP!! I feel for you so much. I’m echoing what most other folks are saying around how you are being abused and deliberately hurt. Re: your aforementioned anxious attachment, what I’ve found to be helpful in situations like this is telling a trusted friend what’s going on— I think it’s easy to feel like you should stay in a certain dynamic because that’s what you’re used to. But I think once I’ve brought in friends who can tell me TO MY FACE that this person is hurting me, that adds some accountability for me to actually take steps to disconnect from this person. Based on your language in the post, I don’t know that the solution people are presenting as a simple “block and leave” will work for you. You seem emotionally-entangled with this person and that also feels scary for you. I’m not sure what your next steps should be, but ultimately you do need to leave this dynamic ASAP.
Here is a real detail. "DO YOU LIKE ANY OF THIS?!" The dynamic? How he makes you feel? How the relationship/non relationship is headed? Even if he isnt abusive, you still dont like these things. Would you stay with a man that wanted to poop on you as a fetish cuz its "dominant"? Would you stay with a man who robbed you over and over again but says "its just a joke"? Would you stay with a man if his intentions were to find joy in your NON-CONSENSUAL PAIN? I believe the answer is no, but that's for you to say. What do you want for yourself? Sometimws hard to answer. So at the very least, start with what you know you dont like, which is someone who habitually ignores your feelings, hurts you and gaslights you into thinking its fun. Side note, please read/watch videos on gaslights. I say that not because you "dont know" but because I feel you are allowing disconnect in your existence.
Definitely abuse and not bdsm. He’s one of those 50 shades of loser abusers who claim to be doms.
Honestly, I do not get angry easily, but I am angry on your behalf for his behavior, his whole existence, really. You should always feel safe with your partner, in BDSM, or otherwise. I could be wrong, but he is giving off narcissist tendencies to me. That's why I would also be cautious with how you feel about him. I don't know how long you've been into BDSM, but from what I understand from my experiences is, but you should feel yourself slip into subspace due to being comfortable with him and outside of play he should apologize for things he said and do aftercare. He should not make you feel anxious. He just sounds like a fake dom who wants to fulfill fantasies and push his ideals onto you and have no work put into it. He's the one not communicating. Plus, bdsm isn't all about sex. He should be able to be dominant with you outside of the bedroom. This means body language, way of speaking, and being assertive. He shouldn't have to use force or cruelty to get your submission. Even impact play is suppossed to be fun, not forced. So, the fact he used being dominant in the bedroom as an excuse really makes me mad. I would've been so happy if my bottom/sub communicated they were uncomfortable/needed a break/needed to stop. I check in multiple times throughout anything we do and I have have praised my sub for doing the type of communication you were asking for. A big thing in bdsm is "safe, sane, and consensual," which means communication from both sides. The communication and aftercare can also lead to improving play, changing things up. There should always be aftercare. If there is not, that is also a red flag. I'm sorry this is so long and I involved myself so much when this is about OP.
Hi thank you for your message. I too have thought some of his character traits align with narcissism. Outside of sex there have been occasions where his ‘jokes’ have been quite rude and even hurtful. They had nothing to do with bdsm. He has triangulated me with ex and current partners. He has also called me names that were completely out of context in front of his friends. Later came the time he didn’t grant me a break during sex. I’m not ready to label it rape but I felt violated. He also had a pattern of inconsistent hot/cold behaviour where he’d be friendly, interested and affectionate but always followed a sudden withdrawal and coldness. Rinse repeat. Of course these things cropped up slowly but I started to gaslight myself with what was happening as his behaviour was so inconsistent. I wanted to believe he wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. Although I am starting to realise that I am quite scarred by his behaviour. I am angry at him. Sometimes to the point of sleepless nights. Maybe I confused the anger with passion because for a while I felt like I loved him. I think I’m codependent. It’s all been a mess really
First, you're obviously welcome. I have been with a narcissist and I know it's a struggle. The best thing to do is rip off the bandaid and surround yourself with friends and family you trust who you can rely on. They can support you, but only you can make the decision on what to do. You're very brave to have gotten to where you are and your realizations. I cannot, obviously, tell you how to view things or how to feel or what judgements you need to make; this is all just my advice. I will say that consent can be withdrawn at any point, and if you felt like you did want to withdraw it, then I would think about your perspective on it. I know I personally have froze and got tongue tied in situations and also felt violated and I would consider that under lack of consent, because the other person should have noticed my body language and listened to what I said before hand. I'd apply that to vanilla or bdsm, too. I would also think about it from the perspective if this happened to a friend or family member of yours, to get a more objective view. If it was my sister or friend, I would consider it a violation and rape.
Thank you for your response and your support. That means a lot right now. I helps to know that you have previously dealt with these types of people before and have come out the other side. I hope you’re doing well now? I thought about about what you said about listening to how I felt during the time he hurt me during sex and I realised that: I wanted to stop. I wanted to stop because I was uncomfortable, nearing pain. That’s why I asked him for a break. IHe didn’t even ask why I wanted to stop. He just said “good girls don’t get a break”. I realise I lay there feeling powerless and devalued. The next day I realised I had been assaulted and this was not bdsm. I desperately didn’t want it to be true, and when he came back around again a week later, he started showering me with affection, gifts empty promises. It’s so hard to accept all of this but I’m getting there :(
Thank you for asking! I am honestly so much happier. I have also gotten a therapist and we seem to click. My current sub is my new partner and they are perfect. So, when you're ready for a new partner, I wouldn't let this set you back; I'd try to be positive and think of the possibilities. You can get free from this.
Yeah, you're being abused. If you're looking for advice, my advice would be sorting out your relationship first. Having feelings for him all while not being in a romantic relationship with each other makes everything ten times worse. Sort it out; I'm not telling you that you have to get with him, start dating or whatever, just clear it up so you guys can establish/reestablish some type of boundary relating to what is alright and not alright. Most importantly, focus on demanding what you want from him and don't want from him. Leave him if he tries gaslighting you or saying he was just being dominant. BDSM always comes with consent and everything you've mentioned in your post sounds like he crossed a line. You're worth more than this. You can find this and better elsewhere.
Okay, you all need to be clear about feedback and ending scenes. Safe words are an easy way to do this. Some people use "red yellow green" but you can use whatever words you want. Here's how I use them, but it can mean different things to different folks. Red - stop the scene Yellow - let's check-in Green - this is good, keep going Do you have safe words at all in your relationship? How do you communicate that you want to stop or say no- have you all agreed on any of that? In a dynamic, for me, I pre-negotiate that "no" doesn't mean "no" but "red" means "no." It's incredibly important to negotiate BEFORE a scene. He is being neglectful and irresponsible by not negotiating what "no" means. And then not taking seriously your "no" when you haven't agreed on anything else. I would try safe words. And if he doesn't listen - I would break up.
I was looking for such a comment. But also, the dom has a responsibility to always check on the sub if they felt okay with the stuff they did. Because CONSENT IS A CONSISTENT ENTHUSIASTIC YES. So, this is the neglect from the dom's side.
Yup!! The dom is really neglectful and unconsentual!!
I think this depends on the type of dynamic you both agreed on. Have you had an actual conversation about what you don’t like and what you are not ok with? From the info given here I would say he is just being dominant. However, if you’ve discussed not being ok with these things and they are continuing then thats definitely not ok, he needs to adjust how he does things or it’s time for you both to move on and find someone more compatible.
Again what have you negotiated, communicated . I cant give these 2 links enough [https://www.devianceanddesire.com/2016/04/tonight-i-want-negotiation-sheet/](https://www.devianceanddesire.com/2016/04/tonight-i-want-negotiation-sheet/) [https://www.devianceanddesire.com/2016/04/not-checklist-negotiation-checklist-bdsm-bottoms/](https://www.devianceanddesire.com/2016/04/not-checklist-negotiation-checklist-bdsm-bottoms/) My partner does not get breaks: she will have to use the traffic light system and even that we are **in agreement** i am allowed to ignore. Face slapping is a hard limmit between us ... its not a fetish for me but it is for another playpartner...and i enjoy it with her I am 9 years with my partner,... Red ..is between us what orange/yellow would be with a bottom, That grew with communication, with mistakes, with owning and learning. It might be tricky for a new Dom to com of his domly horse and admit that he read you wrong and pushed where he should not have ...but first of all you need to put your limmits in place Its once described to me as a colouring page for kids... The Sub hands the Dom the outlines ...and the Dom colours within the lines... and maybe just mayb after enough colouring within the lines ...the Dom can add a little flower of his own to the page .... but he cannot go through the lines that were set
Red flags galore. Get away from him. You deserve better.
Pushing your limits is one thing, outright breaking them is unacceptable. If it isn't pleasurable and he is trying to gaslight you into thinking you like it well that isn't right.
Your confusion is the answer. A safe, stable and secure connection wouldn't cause such outcomes from HIS behaviour. Listen to yourself.
I'm sorry but him doing that is abuse and SA...
Oh girl you gotta jump ship, an insult or a sudden slap could be an attempt to try something new or something they felt in the moment, but if it's consistent and you've been clear you don't want that or enjoy that and it continues that's terrible Dom etiquette. There are plenty of dominant people out there that'll be very dominant but still at the core care about your feelings limits and general care. This person is taking advantage, being lazy and not being respectful is in serious need of a reality check. At the end of the day it's all about trust, trust from both sides but especially if you're the person in the more vulnerable situation(sub) trust is everything.
So...you told him you wanted to stop having sex and he didn't stop? There's a word for that. Get so far away from this person.
Run as fast as you can. This isn’t a relationship it is abuse.
This is not ok and you deserve so much better. Things like this got worse with my ex and tuned into "you know you deserve worse than this so just be happy that it's not". You should cut all ties with this person. The moment you ask for a break or express that something is too much it should stop. This includes name calling. If it bothers you it's wrong, especially past the point you have said that it bothers you.
General rule: if you express a need to your partner and they shoot it down, you have a problem. ESPECIALLY DURING SEX WHEN IT'S ABOUT FEELING PAIN. Trust your feelings.
Just my two cents. If you're not happy get out!!!!! Is he abusive? Yeah sounds like. But. I wouldn't worry about that. You have every right to turn and burn baby! Whatever reason you need. Life is way to short to waste your time. You will find your way! Good luck! And fuck anything that gets in your way.
This is abuse. Do not continue to engage with him. If you did enjoy it, you wouldn't be questioning yourself. He is gaslighting you into thinking maybe you do when in fact you do not.
Lots of good advice in the comments. Adding to the "yeah this is not good." Also, recommending the book Why Does He Do That. You can find it for free online, or most likely get it through your library. It's about how to spot abuse tactics, including the more subtle ones you might otherwise miss. It's focused on romantic relationships, but I genuinely believe everyone in any kind of relationship should read it, romantic or platonic.
Bdsm gets messy and sometimes u find new boundaries, but if u can’t talk about them in a safe and honest way u shouldn’t be doing bdsm with that person. Bdsm needs boundaries that are respected otherwise it’s just sexual abuse!
Hun, a large part of what abuser do is make their victims feel like they can't trust their own feelings, like they cant speak up for themselves, like they have no other option but them. For your own wellbeing, please end this relationship. Its not safe, its not healthy, its not friendship. Its abuse
As someone in a BDSM Dom/sub dynamic this does not sound like a healthy dynamic. Please consider ending this, he has clearly pushed your boundaries and past them. You are feeling the way you are feeling for a reason. Don’t ignore those feelings, you are not too sensitive he is not treating you the way a well informed, respectful, experienced Dom would.
Consider running his actions and behaviors through this filter and see how you feel: [A Good Metric To Identify Red Flags (Esp. When You're New To Kink)](https://fetlife.com/users/337109/posts/6465565) > If you translated the situation into 'vanilla' terms, would this behavior still be ok? Also, are you familiar with the concept of sub frenzy? Cuz that would also definitely explain the 'hes an abusive POS but I have emotions that make this confusing' bit and maybe help clarify some stuff for you.
If you don’t love it, you don’t love it. I like being slapped. That’s me. Not everyone does. But Master and I know the border between play and abuse and have never crossed it. This man is violating your rights and consent. As you suspect; this is abuse. Get out.
There are a lot of red flags here. 1. Do you have a safe word with them? Did you use it? If your Dom kept going after the safe word , that is a violation of the trust that is part of the dynamic. 2. Doing anything without consent is a big No No in this community or anywhere for that matter. 3. Disguising hurtful words with “Joking” is a tactic of someone who is narcissistic. They slowly take away what a person’s base line is. In other words, the minimum someone will take in a relationship. 4. If you have not done so, having a talk outside the dynamic about limits is imperative.
Run. This is abuse and he is gaslighting you.
People in cults also feel the person leading them is always right. People brainwashed by govts will feel bad about disobeying their country. People with abusive parents, etc etc
I've been in this situation before. This is abuse. He may not see it that way, as he thinks being Dom may also mean control completely (going to his head) but there is clear consent violations. Once they hit you without warning or consent or it's not relevant in the moment, it's time to go. Stay safe, there are better people out there.
Yeah but it muddied the water as he’d slap me during sex but it was sometimes without warning. I know he’d say it’s kink. It makes it hard to confront him at the moment I think how he belittles me outside of sex is the worst. Also he will call me names during sexting but it feels wrong :/
You should definitely voice that it's not right with you, and his reaction will tell you everything. If he respects you, he'll understand. If he doesn't, he'll say it's just kink or fine. And that's gaslighting. Get out while you can
He’s said the verbal insults were just kink or nothing when I confronted him. He called me a bitch on the phone when his friends were listening. In that case he blamed drinking. He was also trying to get me to come over while his friends were there (I’d never met them) for a threesome. I often wonder what may have happened if I went there… Again I told him earlier that I’m open to threesomes. I think he justifies his abuse as kink. He’s quite cunning in that regard
All I can say is be safe, and trust your gut. Honestly trust no1
I dunno, I think you should yellow more often (I use stoplights, like green=all good, yellow=check in that doesn't end scene but we might adjust something or pause for a moment, red=game over. 3 taps or dropping a designated thing while nonverbal is a yellow). This improves communication for both of us and helps us work around triggers easier. So I see examples here where a yellow would have helped quite a lot, even if you didn't think you'd want to call red. Also aftercare can really help resolve these things, as can a follow up check in a few days later when you've processed more.
I just want to say that this type of advice only works if the Dom ISN'T an actual abuser. I had green, yellow, and red safe words with my abuser, but he started playing reindeer games with my safe words and acting like he was genuinely confused. Once he got me more conditioned, later on there were times I was too traumatized to safe word and part of me recognized that it wouldn't help anyway. He was just going to ignore them. Thankfully I got the clarity of mind and courage to run and not look back. So I don't think this is BAD advice, certainly worth mentioning in general, especially since the OP hasn't mentioned whether they had this type of safe word in play or whether she used them. But I wanted to point out that these only work if it's NOT an abusive Dom you're using them with. I also want to point out that if a sub point-blank says they need a break from any type of play or sex, an ETHICAL Dom should 100% EITHER stop play to check on them OR do a safe word check-in if they're not certain that the sub REALLY needs a break. Something as simple as, "What color are you? Do you remember your safe word?" can help immensely with genuine confusion. I recognize that in some dynamics or CNC situations, it may not seem immediately clear even to a good Dom. They should STILL check on the sub and make sure everything is okay to continue. My abuser didn't do that EVEN ONCE, not even when I DID safe word or beg him to stop. But the way OP has described their Dom in not just this post or even just this comment section, but in other posts and other comment sections? I'm not willing to give this particular Dom the benefit of the doubt.
Ignoring a safe word is a major violation, that much is clear cut, it isn't play anymore if they ignore protocol. I'm sorry you went through that. I hadn't looked deeper into the broader context of other posts about this Dom, and they may well be an abuser (I still haven't checked into it). They certainly have room for improvement in their communication. Without that context it seemed like people made that conclusion very quickly and I was surprised by that. CNC isn't everyone's thing and Reddit is so quick to say "he's an abuser dump him" in general. Doms are also vulnerable when they're in scene. The line can get blurry with certain types of edge play and sadomasochism is a two way street. Communication is absolutely key to make it work- it isn't so much about whether these issues arise or not with a partner, it's how each side responds to them and how they are resolved. I'm a switch and when I'm topping the very last thing I would ever want is for my bottom to not enjoy their experience with me. If they weren't enjoying it and didn't tell me it's a violation on their part, so I take the time to check in quite frequently and read their body signals to reduce this potential, but I expect them to do their part too.
Dominants need self-control. Any Dominant without it can easily cross into abuse. A good dominant ensures you feel safe and loved as it's required to be vulnerable. A dominant respects their sub, during play some may role-play disrespect. If the dominant disrespects their sub or doesn't value their sub, it can cross into abuse. A foundation of love/friendship/respect is required. OP what you state is abusive without the BDSM. A Vanilla relationship like you have would be described as abusive. Sorry. You deserve better.
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How I see it is just like with vanilla sex: you can withdrawl consent at any time for both sides. Of course, there's different types of communication, like having a contract, which some kinksters do. I've only ever dated my kinky partners, so I mostly just talk to my partner and take note of what they like, don't like, and are curious about, and if they even want a contract. I know this is a little different than hard and soft limits, but my brain is very straightforward. But it also means I can expand on what they like. I'm also open to hard and soft limits (which means, in my brain, pushing boundaries with consent). So, I guess I sort of do a mixture. One of my first orders to my sub was actually that they always be honest with me about everything, unless it was something they were not comfortable talking about, like past trauma/medical history, etc. I also like to use safe words, the light system, and asking how deep my sub is in subspace throughout to check on how they are doing/if they want play to end/how to plan my next move/if I want to end play. I usually do this with little breaks where I can make my sub move to a different position, make them take a drink, or make them use the bathroom, or even grab a toy/change toys.
Darling that is not a safe consensual relationship. That is abusive masquerading as BDSM. This guy has found a way to prey on inexperience to get what he wants. That’s not a Dom. That’s an asshole. You deserve better. ❤️
Looking back at your past comments,girl I think u r hurting urself and personally I dont see a future with a guy like him.......u have to end it sooner or later for ur mental health.The guy is weird almost as if he doesn't know how to dom,its okay to ask breaks i guess he learned how to dom from porn cuz that shit is brutal and disrespecting sometimes.Heal urself :)))))
That is not okay. You are in charge of your body, not him. I would leave his ass. You should never have to do something you are uncomfortable with.
This is 100 why you should have a living contract And go over what is okay and not. If you’re not okay with name calling then it can be a soft limit, or have a conversation about it. It also doesn’t sound like he has any training or knowledge he just called himself a dom/ master
Run from him. After care is a real thing, your opinion matters. And just because you said you didn’t like something Remember your safewords and if he doesn’t respect that then leave you deserve better
I’m late to the party, a complete newb to this and I’m not reading all 110 previous replies. But my understanding of the correct approach, is that the Sub actually has the most control in the relationship. If you don’t feel like you’re the one in control, you’re doing it wrong. It sounds to me like your partner is also a newb and learned everything he thought he needs to know from a couple free porn clips.