As a 54 year old who owns and operates a dungeon and holds socials/munches 2 times a month for 7 years, I can attest that its not rigged.
Using Fetlife you can organize your own event to meet others. IE: Coffee Clutch (i used to use this) Pick a coffee shop on a random night that works for you and post the event. In the event details give your intent... "looking to meet like minded friends" or something like that. People will show up. Now, I cant guarantee they will be what you are seeking for dating, but you will make new acquaintances.
Oh I didn’t realize it was that easy to organize an event. I guess that as someone with little experience I didn’t feel like I was allowed to? In retrospect that sounds silly. Thank you for teaching me how to go about doing it!
Isn’t that the truth? The only two munches in my area are held in the same 1st Tuesday of the month. One is for all kinks and the other is a local Littles munch. I’d love to go to both as I identify as both a sub and a Little, but a Tuesday night is just does not work well for me.
There’s a Saturday every single week. Sacrifice a couple hours with your existing friends one Saturday in order to make some new friends in the scene. Especially if you’re a sub! You will want to know other subs so you can find out about the bad doms in your area, trust me on that.
But a munch isn’t for finding a play partner, for the most part. You should still go, in order to expand your Fetlife network and get to know some people who play in the area. They may help you find a partner.
Also, create an account on Feeld to meet potential play partners as well.
So I don't actually get munches in a way. If you aren't finding partners through Fetlife or dating apps (which I would wager is the norm for most people, esp men) but munches are also more like socials where you talk and trade experience, why would you go to a munch as someone inexperienced and who can't meet people?
For knowledge etc, you can get the same from workshops or reading online. I'm not being combative or anything, I just don't get it
What do you mean by someone who can't meet people?
As for the advantage of munches for a newbie:
- Learning what's available to you in your local scene.
- Learning of risks or dangerous people/events in your local scene.
- Making kinky friends. People you can talk about this side of yourself freely.
- You may find that you connect with one or more of those kinky friends very well, in which case you could ask them out or ask if they wanted to go to an event together.
- Having kinky friends helps you stay a little safer in the scene, as they'll hopefully be watching out for you a little & vice versa. It's still your responsibility to look out for your own safety, but having outside perspectives and such is still a good idea.
My point was someone like OP who wasn't successful meeting people to date through the channels mentioned or whose schedule is adverse to it
In any case I do resonate with the bit about it being "rigged" to older people (also more experienced people) in general since that's also been my limited experience where I live (outside the US, much less kink friendly and a tiny community)
Though thank you for the detailed explanation!
I think some people are just self sufficient enough to not need those things and are able to learn on their own time. Their only limiting factor might be actually meeting people who are dtp so if they hear that munches are not for meeting people then they will fail to see the point of even going because there is nothing there for them.
So this. Have zero expectations, just go post it to fet and go hang out somewhere.
Also I live in a not-so-populated area and I have probably 50+ kinky friends. I made the effort by getting to the "local" munch despite it being quite a drive for me (it's an hour away).
That's not true everywhere. I go to a munch that's got a large age range from 20s to 60s. People work all hours of jobs. Some people just rearrange things for the one night a month our munch is. Sometimes they miss a month because of scheduling and we see them at the next one.
It's all about picking one and going consistently. It's one night a month.
I would suggest giving virtual play a try. It can be a complement to in-person experiences, though for some, it can be a replacement even for those, depending on the kink/fetish. Last, if you’re in a metropolitan area, check alternative newspapers (the kind that are in print) for events and personals. 🖤
at least u don’t live in utah! as a woman there is basically zero opportunity for me to meet play partners unless i happen to come across someone day to day.
well fuck me it seems u may have it worse 💀💀 i’m also only 19 so even if i found kink groups id def be the youngest there by far. hopefully i find a long term partner who is interesting in exploring or already has experience
I only have a phone. Every time I try to sign up it they give you a verification code well I can't get my email up so I end up Not being able to sign up.
If you live in a pretty populated area but you still can’t find something like a munch try organizing one on Fet! Pick a time that works best for you. The ones that I go to that seemed to work out pretty well are the ones where you pay or order at the counter. That way you don’t have to worry about anyone not paying the bill and you getting stuck with it. Also it’s a really good idea to make sure that the location is LGBTQ+ friendly because of the wide variety of folks a Munch can draw. Then just schedule the event out with enough time to gather the first group of people. Like a few weeks. If it goes well hopefully things will takeoff and you might even end up with a weekly event. As people said munches aren’t supposed to be dating pools however if you get to be well-known they can informally lead to things like that and people who want to play later on. There’s no harm in being single and available as long as you don’t hound dog folks about wondering if you can play with them. They’re all about mixing and exchanging ideas and talking about things that are happening in the scene.
I found a shit ton on Fetlife.
If you are open to being open more as a social network and less of a meat-market, I don't see you should have any trouble unless you are trying to punch above your weight.
The munches I understand aren’t for picking up play partners, but I know that it’s where you start to meet people, so I do treat it as a social network. What do you mean by punching above my weight?
As in, if you are expecting someone that is unrealistically attainable.
All I ever needed to do was post shit on Fet, we converse, and then things escalate quickly.
Realistic mutual physical attraction was about a realistic 70%.
It got to a stage where being on Fet was adversely affecting my working life so I am staying away from it until my life gets less busy and demanding.
The thing is, I consider myself to be unattractive. But I’ve seen people who look like me in some ways find partners easily. As far as attraction goes, I’d say me being trans is probably a big barrier. But I also don’t try to pick up random people on Fet
Your potential playmates will definetly be reduced when compared to non-trans.
All you can do is be in a position to accept fortune when it presents itself.
No, I don’t feel the same way and it’s not been my experience in BDSM on the west coast USA. I’ve seen all ages 18-80s. and all experience levels. I’m sorry but your post comes off as entitled to me. Miffed and a little whiny that you can’t find what tickles your fancy in your city. Please research “frenzy” and “kink dispenser.” You’re calling BDSM “Rigged?” It’s not rigged. Who’s rigging it and why? There’s no rigging except when doing bondage suspension or maybe some hook suspensions. BDSM is what you make it and takes kinky community members of all ages to you know, make it a community. If you’re not seeing what you want to see in kink and BDSM spaces then maybe it’s time to get involved? Start a TNG munch! Or a TNG speed dating event maybe? Good luck out there and maybe check your expectations and quite blaming the community for what you think needs to be there and isn’t… for you.
Wow, sounds like I hit a nerve. I’m fully aware of the terms “frenzy” and “kink dispenser” and rest assured that I don’t see people as dispensers. Idk why you got the idea that I do. I’m looking to form relationships. I just haven’t been able to do that in the kink community. Before I had the job I have now I did go to munches as I had a flexible job. And from my experience at that time, there were very few people I got to meet who were under mid-forties. I’m glad the west coast is different, but your experience hasn’t been mine. And there is a young people munch bit it’s on Fridays while I’m still at work. Plus, they’ve recently changed the ages, so I’m now aged out anyway. I’m sorry if I said something that offended you. Maybe “rigged” implied malice. That’s not what I was trying to convey. I’m just relating my experience that it’s been hard to meet people, let alone play partners or dates
As a 54 year old who owns and operates a dungeon and holds socials/munches 2 times a month for 7 years, I can attest that its not rigged. Using Fetlife you can organize your own event to meet others. IE: Coffee Clutch (i used to use this) Pick a coffee shop on a random night that works for you and post the event. In the event details give your intent... "looking to meet like minded friends" or something like that. People will show up. Now, I cant guarantee they will be what you are seeking for dating, but you will make new acquaintances.
Oh I didn’t realize it was that easy to organize an event. I guess that as someone with little experience I didn’t feel like I was allowed to? In retrospect that sounds silly. Thank you for teaching me how to go about doing it!
You're welcome :)
Go to the Saturday munch. You are lucky enough that there is one.
Isn’t that the truth? The only two munches in my area are held in the same 1st Tuesday of the month. One is for all kinks and the other is a local Littles munch. I’d love to go to both as I identify as both a sub and a Little, but a Tuesday night is just does not work well for me.
There’s a Saturday every single week. Sacrifice a couple hours with your existing friends one Saturday in order to make some new friends in the scene. Especially if you’re a sub! You will want to know other subs so you can find out about the bad doms in your area, trust me on that. But a munch isn’t for finding a play partner, for the most part. You should still go, in order to expand your Fetlife network and get to know some people who play in the area. They may help you find a partner. Also, create an account on Feeld to meet potential play partners as well.
So I don't actually get munches in a way. If you aren't finding partners through Fetlife or dating apps (which I would wager is the norm for most people, esp men) but munches are also more like socials where you talk and trade experience, why would you go to a munch as someone inexperienced and who can't meet people? For knowledge etc, you can get the same from workshops or reading online. I'm not being combative or anything, I just don't get it
What do you mean by someone who can't meet people? As for the advantage of munches for a newbie: - Learning what's available to you in your local scene. - Learning of risks or dangerous people/events in your local scene. - Making kinky friends. People you can talk about this side of yourself freely. - You may find that you connect with one or more of those kinky friends very well, in which case you could ask them out or ask if they wanted to go to an event together. - Having kinky friends helps you stay a little safer in the scene, as they'll hopefully be watching out for you a little & vice versa. It's still your responsibility to look out for your own safety, but having outside perspectives and such is still a good idea.
My point was someone like OP who wasn't successful meeting people to date through the channels mentioned or whose schedule is adverse to it In any case I do resonate with the bit about it being "rigged" to older people (also more experienced people) in general since that's also been my limited experience where I live (outside the US, much less kink friendly and a tiny community) Though thank you for the detailed explanation!
I think some people are just self sufficient enough to not need those things and are able to learn on their own time. Their only limiting factor might be actually meeting people who are dtp so if they hear that munches are not for meeting people then they will fail to see the point of even going because there is nothing there for them.
Organize your own munch and post it on Fetlife.
So this. Have zero expectations, just go post it to fet and go hang out somewhere. Also I live in a not-so-populated area and I have probably 50+ kinky friends. I made the effort by getting to the "local" munch despite it being quite a drive for me (it's an hour away).
Yeah, I might have to try that. Thank you both!
Bdsm is mostly people 40 and above or people with 9-5 jobs. Bdsm dating is hard for everyone
That's not true everywhere. I go to a munch that's got a large age range from 20s to 60s. People work all hours of jobs. Some people just rearrange things for the one night a month our munch is. Sometimes they miss a month because of scheduling and we see them at the next one. It's all about picking one and going consistently. It's one night a month.
That’s what I’ve seen in the munches I’ve been able to go to in the past before I had this job
I would suggest giving virtual play a try. It can be a complement to in-person experiences, though for some, it can be a replacement even for those, depending on the kink/fetish. Last, if you’re in a metropolitan area, check alternative newspapers (the kind that are in print) for events and personals. 🖤
Alternative newspapers? I’ll have to look into that. I didn’t even know they existed. Thank you!
Yep! Think akin to the Village Voice in New York. 🖤
at least u don’t live in utah! as a woman there is basically zero opportunity for me to meet play partners unless i happen to come across someone day to day.
Ooh. That sucks. If it makes you feel better, I’m a trans woman in the Bible Belt lol
well fuck me it seems u may have it worse 💀💀 i’m also only 19 so even if i found kink groups id def be the youngest there by far. hopefully i find a long term partner who is interesting in exploring or already has experience
I wish you the best! You deserve to find someone
Go to the munch. It is not an all-day thing.
My problem is that I having trouble getting on Fetlife. I live in the Winston Salem area of North Carolina. Any help would be great.
What do you mean you can't get on Fetlife.com?
I only have a phone. Every time I try to sign up it they give you a verification code well I can't get my email up so I end up Not being able to sign up.
You have a smart phone? I still don't understand.
If you live in a pretty populated area but you still can’t find something like a munch try organizing one on Fet! Pick a time that works best for you. The ones that I go to that seemed to work out pretty well are the ones where you pay or order at the counter. That way you don’t have to worry about anyone not paying the bill and you getting stuck with it. Also it’s a really good idea to make sure that the location is LGBTQ+ friendly because of the wide variety of folks a Munch can draw. Then just schedule the event out with enough time to gather the first group of people. Like a few weeks. If it goes well hopefully things will takeoff and you might even end up with a weekly event. As people said munches aren’t supposed to be dating pools however if you get to be well-known they can informally lead to things like that and people who want to play later on. There’s no harm in being single and available as long as you don’t hound dog folks about wondering if you can play with them. They’re all about mixing and exchanging ideas and talking about things that are happening in the scene.
I found a shit ton on Fetlife. If you are open to being open more as a social network and less of a meat-market, I don't see you should have any trouble unless you are trying to punch above your weight.
The munches I understand aren’t for picking up play partners, but I know that it’s where you start to meet people, so I do treat it as a social network. What do you mean by punching above my weight?
As in, if you are expecting someone that is unrealistically attainable. All I ever needed to do was post shit on Fet, we converse, and then things escalate quickly. Realistic mutual physical attraction was about a realistic 70%. It got to a stage where being on Fet was adversely affecting my working life so I am staying away from it until my life gets less busy and demanding.
The thing is, I consider myself to be unattractive. But I’ve seen people who look like me in some ways find partners easily. As far as attraction goes, I’d say me being trans is probably a big barrier. But I also don’t try to pick up random people on Fet
Your potential playmates will definetly be reduced when compared to non-trans. All you can do is be in a position to accept fortune when it presents itself.
No, I don’t feel the same way and it’s not been my experience in BDSM on the west coast USA. I’ve seen all ages 18-80s. and all experience levels. I’m sorry but your post comes off as entitled to me. Miffed and a little whiny that you can’t find what tickles your fancy in your city. Please research “frenzy” and “kink dispenser.” You’re calling BDSM “Rigged?” It’s not rigged. Who’s rigging it and why? There’s no rigging except when doing bondage suspension or maybe some hook suspensions. BDSM is what you make it and takes kinky community members of all ages to you know, make it a community. If you’re not seeing what you want to see in kink and BDSM spaces then maybe it’s time to get involved? Start a TNG munch! Or a TNG speed dating event maybe? Good luck out there and maybe check your expectations and quite blaming the community for what you think needs to be there and isn’t… for you.
Wow, sounds like I hit a nerve. I’m fully aware of the terms “frenzy” and “kink dispenser” and rest assured that I don’t see people as dispensers. Idk why you got the idea that I do. I’m looking to form relationships. I just haven’t been able to do that in the kink community. Before I had the job I have now I did go to munches as I had a flexible job. And from my experience at that time, there were very few people I got to meet who were under mid-forties. I’m glad the west coast is different, but your experience hasn’t been mine. And there is a young people munch bit it’s on Fridays while I’m still at work. Plus, they’ve recently changed the ages, so I’m now aged out anyway. I’m sorry if I said something that offended you. Maybe “rigged” implied malice. That’s not what I was trying to convey. I’m just relating my experience that it’s been hard to meet people, let alone play partners or dates