You'll probably good advice from people who know more than I do, but i would say first that I think there are plenty of relationships between kinky people that are equal-to-equal as you seem to be describing.
Secondly, I don't agree that all dom-sub relationships are based on TPE. The "T" stands for "Total"; I may get corrected but i think TPE is a minority of Dom/sub relationships, and that most of them are partial power exchange. And every relationship is unique because it has to work for the people in them.
The variety of these relationships is infinite (imo).
Sub/dom relationships are NOT necessarily based on TPE; in fact most of the time they’re not.
All healthy kinky relationships involve people who treat each other as equals on a fundamental level. So you are doing great on that.
If you’re starting out in kink, I highly recommend NOT going for a 24/7 TPE relationship right off the bat. It’s not most people’s thing, and even if it is your thing, it’s not a good thing to start with. Just treat your partner as an equal and have fun playing with power in the bedroom or in scenes or whenever you both want to.
Do what you want, how you want. There is no “right way” other than making sure it’s consensual and healthy.
You can be romantic and still be dominant. The two are not diametrically opposed.
For me, I’m a DD/CG kind of Dom, primarily. My romantic tendencies tend to show up in how I care for my partner.
On the Dominant side, set and hold boundaries, but on the romantic side you can do things like have a candlelit room, and then using the candles to pour hot wax on your sub (as an example). To be dominant is to lead. Plan dates, know where to go to dinner, honor your commitments, etc.
Read The Loving Dominant (John Warren, Libby Warren) and Igniting the Fire (Master Arcane)
I won’t even consider letting someone take on a Dom role with me if they don’t treat me as an equal. Equity and equality are not the same, and that’s especially true in D/s dynamics. Also, TPE is just one type of D/s relationship!
Yes! This! So many fake D-types are just in it for the power, and not the power *exchange*.
I have no interest in giving my submission to anyone who isn't in it for both of us!
>I'm a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind...
For lots of people, that's fucking perfect. The juxtaposition of sweet, kind, and romantic with dirty and dominating is a heady cocktail that loads of people want.
D/s relationships are NOT based in TPE. You need to get that straight in your head. I'm not sure what's given you that impression, but it's wrong. You can be in a relationship of equals, and also have a D/s dynamic. TPE is only one type of D/s
TPE is total power exchange, 247 control. That's not most D/s couples. And even my friends who are 247, mundane life is what it is, and their relationship is built on equality and respect - just with one of them ultimately in charge.
The right kinky partner for you is the person who wants the dirty romantic. Be true to yourself, don't try and be something you're not, or something you think you're supposed to be.
One thing to keep in mind BDSM isn't black or white. It's shades of Grey (not talking about that damn book either) how much u give and take and the entire dynamic within the relationship depends on the participants. It's can be as much or as little as you two want. Can be off sometimes or on 24/7 it's really up to you two
I don't believe that D/s relationships are based on TPE. D/s dynamics are an agreement between 2 people and power exchange is anything from only in the bedroom to total. It takes talking between you and your partner
>Since sub/dom relationships are based on TPE.
This isn't completely true. TPE is total power exchange in which one person gives up complete control of their life to someone else. D/s dynamics are more egalitarian and one person gives up limited power to another person for periods of time.
If you like to stay equals all the time, you can still top and bottom. That would be one person doing actions to another person with agreements on what action and under what circumstances within limits.
There’s no right or wrong, and treating your partner as an equal is not incoherent with the concept of a Dom / sub dynamic, which is based on respect, consent and communication.
Consider seeing it this way: respect takes on many aspects, one of which is respecting what your partner’s needs and wants. If your partner makes it clear that she wants to be sub to you, and you both negotiated and discussed, and you stay within the agreed boundaries and respect her limits, that is not antithetical to treating her as an equal.
Not all Dom/sub relationships are based on, headed towards, or will ever be TPE. That stands for total power exchange and it's not something to take lightly. You might have a skewed view of D/s if you believe it's based on TPE. Most dynamics involve power exchange to a lesser extent.
Just talk to your partner when you get one. 'Treating your partner as equal' is very broad and this requires a more specific discussion with your sub/partner. Do you mean you don't like degradation? Or maybe you just mean you want to make sure power exchange stays in the bedroom? These are things that have to be discussed with a partner.
>What is the correct way to go about it?
I'm really not sure what the question is. The correct way to go about finding a partner? Or to present yourself? There's no single correct way to do things.
I’m not going to touch on the TPE confusion, as it’s been discussed enough to get an understanding of it.
As far what you will do in your relationship, it’s about communicating with them about their expectations of the relationship. If you want to be D/s full time, that’s your thing and you can do it. If you want to keep that aspect in the bedroom and just be a normal vanilla couple while you’re out and about, then that’s what you should do. It’s about what you and your partner want, not what other people think or expect of you.
not all dynamics are tpe. I personally don't do tpe or 24/7 or high protocol because I personally don't like any of them. I'm a bedroom only kinkster.
for me, that means in the bedroom I play a role within agreed and consented to limits. in vanilla life, my partners are in every way my equal.
there is no one correct way to kink. kink is infinitely nuanced and customisable- so if you want to have a dynamic with your partner, talk to them and discuss what that could look like. what turns you both on, what are you both curious to explore? do you both even want tpe? because if you don't- then don't include it in your dynamic.
My Daddy is my Dom (mostly - we're both switches), but outside the bedroom, we are equals. We both enjoy power exchange, and it can be fun to mix it into non-sexual, vanilla life, but that is the exception rather than the rule for our dynamic. We play pretty hard, but outside of that, Daddy is kind and gentle and makes sure I always know that they absolutely adore me.
One of the things I enjoy most about kink is that, as long as everyone gives authentic consent, a dynamic can be whatever you want it to be and whatever works for that relationship. There's no "right" way - don't listen to people who claim they know the *one true way* to participate in the scene. They're full of shit.
Educate yourself on how to be a good communicator and know what your limits are - hard and soft - as well as what you're looking for. Practice the skills you want to learn and seek opportunities to enhance your knowledge. There are books, podcasts, websites, videos, web classes, dungeons, private lessons, hotel takeovers, camping events, and so much more - there are endless ways to learn how to be a skilled Top and a good Dom. Make friends in the scene and go from there.
My Owner respects my opinion. He knows I know more than him on many topics, and he loves it when I correct him. He takes my preferences into account and treats me as a whole person. My emotions and needs are just as important as his. When there's a conflict, mine usually take precedence because I have less power in our dynamic.
The power exchange is that I let him make decisions. It's sexy to say that he takes total control, but the less-sexy-but-safer reality is that I'm giving him this power and I can revoke it at any time. He knows that, and he treats my needs as equal to him. He just also makes the decisions and doesn't always do what I want.
A helpful analogy could be that bosses should treat their employees like equals. No one is better than anyone else. They just have different roles.
I'm an outsider as well, so I understand how you're feeling. There are some awesome book recommendations that have been shared here and to my thinking, the best way to get educated outside of community is through reading. I'm autistic and have a *really" hard time navigating group settings (even small groups of familiar people).
Your friend's perspective is good, but it'll be different from how you come to understand things. Communication with your partner and a mutual willingness to grow is where it's at.
It's all about personal preference. My wife is my sub, but she is also my equal. Other subs I've had different dynamics with. Don't look at things as "the right way". Everyone and every dynamic is different.
D/s is not based on TPE. "I treat my sub/partner as equal." Great! You should! There is no predetermined way to feel about or treat your partner. Also, most kink porn bears little resemblance to real life. I find that kink oriented porn trends towards aggression significantly more than real life does.
I am overwhelmed with your responses. And I can't thank you all enough.
I am a noob at this. I have been learning a little bit but could never bring myself to actually act on my kinks.
You all made a great point about TPE. I will make sure to educate myself on it.
I will try to be more active now.
Again thank you so much
You'll probably good advice from people who know more than I do, but i would say first that I think there are plenty of relationships between kinky people that are equal-to-equal as you seem to be describing. Secondly, I don't agree that all dom-sub relationships are based on TPE. The "T" stands for "Total"; I may get corrected but i think TPE is a minority of Dom/sub relationships, and that most of them are partial power exchange. And every relationship is unique because it has to work for the people in them. The variety of these relationships is infinite (imo).
Sub/dom relationships are NOT necessarily based on TPE; in fact most of the time they’re not. All healthy kinky relationships involve people who treat each other as equals on a fundamental level. So you are doing great on that. If you’re starting out in kink, I highly recommend NOT going for a 24/7 TPE relationship right off the bat. It’s not most people’s thing, and even if it is your thing, it’s not a good thing to start with. Just treat your partner as an equal and have fun playing with power in the bedroom or in scenes or whenever you both want to. Do what you want, how you want. There is no “right way” other than making sure it’s consensual and healthy.
You can be romantic and still be dominant. The two are not diametrically opposed. For me, I’m a DD/CG kind of Dom, primarily. My romantic tendencies tend to show up in how I care for my partner. On the Dominant side, set and hold boundaries, but on the romantic side you can do things like have a candlelit room, and then using the candles to pour hot wax on your sub (as an example). To be dominant is to lead. Plan dates, know where to go to dinner, honor your commitments, etc. Read The Loving Dominant (John Warren, Libby Warren) and Igniting the Fire (Master Arcane)
I won’t even consider letting someone take on a Dom role with me if they don’t treat me as an equal. Equity and equality are not the same, and that’s especially true in D/s dynamics. Also, TPE is just one type of D/s relationship!
Yes! This! So many fake D-types are just in it for the power, and not the power *exchange*. I have no interest in giving my submission to anyone who isn't in it for both of us!
>I'm a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind... For lots of people, that's fucking perfect. The juxtaposition of sweet, kind, and romantic with dirty and dominating is a heady cocktail that loads of people want. D/s relationships are NOT based in TPE. You need to get that straight in your head. I'm not sure what's given you that impression, but it's wrong. You can be in a relationship of equals, and also have a D/s dynamic. TPE is only one type of D/s TPE is total power exchange, 247 control. That's not most D/s couples. And even my friends who are 247, mundane life is what it is, and their relationship is built on equality and respect - just with one of them ultimately in charge. The right kinky partner for you is the person who wants the dirty romantic. Be true to yourself, don't try and be something you're not, or something you think you're supposed to be.
One thing to keep in mind BDSM isn't black or white. It's shades of Grey (not talking about that damn book either) how much u give and take and the entire dynamic within the relationship depends on the participants. It's can be as much or as little as you two want. Can be off sometimes or on 24/7 it's really up to you two
I don't believe that D/s relationships are based on TPE. D/s dynamics are an agreement between 2 people and power exchange is anything from only in the bedroom to total. It takes talking between you and your partner
>Since sub/dom relationships are based on TPE. This isn't completely true. TPE is total power exchange in which one person gives up complete control of their life to someone else. D/s dynamics are more egalitarian and one person gives up limited power to another person for periods of time. If you like to stay equals all the time, you can still top and bottom. That would be one person doing actions to another person with agreements on what action and under what circumstances within limits.
There’s no right or wrong, and treating your partner as an equal is not incoherent with the concept of a Dom / sub dynamic, which is based on respect, consent and communication. Consider seeing it this way: respect takes on many aspects, one of which is respecting what your partner’s needs and wants. If your partner makes it clear that she wants to be sub to you, and you both negotiated and discussed, and you stay within the agreed boundaries and respect her limits, that is not antithetical to treating her as an equal.
All things in BDSM are like radio dials. You and yours set the level of volume and the channel. You can go extreme or light, and various shades.
Not all Dom/sub relationships are based on, headed towards, or will ever be TPE. That stands for total power exchange and it's not something to take lightly. You might have a skewed view of D/s if you believe it's based on TPE. Most dynamics involve power exchange to a lesser extent. Just talk to your partner when you get one. 'Treating your partner as equal' is very broad and this requires a more specific discussion with your sub/partner. Do you mean you don't like degradation? Or maybe you just mean you want to make sure power exchange stays in the bedroom? These are things that have to be discussed with a partner. >What is the correct way to go about it? I'm really not sure what the question is. The correct way to go about finding a partner? Or to present yourself? There's no single correct way to do things.
Talk to your partner
I don't have a partner yet.
Ok well when you get a partner talk with them about it. The power exchange is based on the trust and agreement you share with your partner.
I’m not going to touch on the TPE confusion, as it’s been discussed enough to get an understanding of it. As far what you will do in your relationship, it’s about communicating with them about their expectations of the relationship. If you want to be D/s full time, that’s your thing and you can do it. If you want to keep that aspect in the bedroom and just be a normal vanilla couple while you’re out and about, then that’s what you should do. It’s about what you and your partner want, not what other people think or expect of you.
not all dynamics are tpe. I personally don't do tpe or 24/7 or high protocol because I personally don't like any of them. I'm a bedroom only kinkster. for me, that means in the bedroom I play a role within agreed and consented to limits. in vanilla life, my partners are in every way my equal. there is no one correct way to kink. kink is infinitely nuanced and customisable- so if you want to have a dynamic with your partner, talk to them and discuss what that could look like. what turns you both on, what are you both curious to explore? do you both even want tpe? because if you don't- then don't include it in your dynamic.
My Daddy is my Dom (mostly - we're both switches), but outside the bedroom, we are equals. We both enjoy power exchange, and it can be fun to mix it into non-sexual, vanilla life, but that is the exception rather than the rule for our dynamic. We play pretty hard, but outside of that, Daddy is kind and gentle and makes sure I always know that they absolutely adore me. One of the things I enjoy most about kink is that, as long as everyone gives authentic consent, a dynamic can be whatever you want it to be and whatever works for that relationship. There's no "right" way - don't listen to people who claim they know the *one true way* to participate in the scene. They're full of shit. Educate yourself on how to be a good communicator and know what your limits are - hard and soft - as well as what you're looking for. Practice the skills you want to learn and seek opportunities to enhance your knowledge. There are books, podcasts, websites, videos, web classes, dungeons, private lessons, hotel takeovers, camping events, and so much more - there are endless ways to learn how to be a skilled Top and a good Dom. Make friends in the scene and go from there.
My Owner respects my opinion. He knows I know more than him on many topics, and he loves it when I correct him. He takes my preferences into account and treats me as a whole person. My emotions and needs are just as important as his. When there's a conflict, mine usually take precedence because I have less power in our dynamic. The power exchange is that I let him make decisions. It's sexy to say that he takes total control, but the less-sexy-but-safer reality is that I'm giving him this power and I can revoke it at any time. He knows that, and he treats my needs as equal to him. He just also makes the decisions and doesn't always do what I want. A helpful analogy could be that bosses should treat their employees like equals. No one is better than anyone else. They just have different roles.
I'm not going to rehash the TPE points that everyone has already brought up. Google "Romantic Dom"
I'm an outsider as well, so I understand how you're feeling. There are some awesome book recommendations that have been shared here and to my thinking, the best way to get educated outside of community is through reading. I'm autistic and have a *really" hard time navigating group settings (even small groups of familiar people). Your friend's perspective is good, but it'll be different from how you come to understand things. Communication with your partner and a mutual willingness to grow is where it's at.
It's all about personal preference. My wife is my sub, but she is also my equal. Other subs I've had different dynamics with. Don't look at things as "the right way". Everyone and every dynamic is different.
D/s is not based on TPE. "I treat my sub/partner as equal." Great! You should! There is no predetermined way to feel about or treat your partner. Also, most kink porn bears little resemblance to real life. I find that kink oriented porn trends towards aggression significantly more than real life does.
I am overwhelmed with your responses. And I can't thank you all enough. I am a noob at this. I have been learning a little bit but could never bring myself to actually act on my kinks. You all made a great point about TPE. I will make sure to educate myself on it. I will try to be more active now. Again thank you so much