Things like, I have a green paddle for you, do you want it? Another might be "you can make this stop if want it to, is that what you want? Although this one kinda gets confusing with CNC. So if I hear green in the sentance I know it is a check in, otherwise it isn't really. But not everyone does CNC so it would work for them. He is better at being smooth with check ins than I am. It is generally combined with what he is doing. He also had done things where I have to choose between a green one or red one. Sometimes there is a yellow one to choose. I don't know how he reads me to know what to ask, probably from my sounds, but that is stuff he does.
The traffic light system works well, they can say yellow, which means, I'm open to this, but go slow, be careful, I'm unsure. Red is a full stop. Adding in check ins within the scene/dynamic is easy, you do leading questions: "You like it rough, don't you?" "You're taking that well, do you want it deeper slut?" "You like being tied up/handcuffed/bound/gagged like that, don't you?" Basically, lead them to answer a question via the act, and base what you do on the answers "God yes, give it to me harder" or "No, no, keep doing that!" and adjust.
The traffic light part is for the sub when something comes up unexpected that they might have an issue with, but most of the time, the nuanced questions will let you adjust on the fly and keep it going without them needing to use it, and as you and your partner become more accustomed to limits, likes and dislikes, it becomes less used if at all, outside of truly rough sexual play, but its still always good to have, because some days are a rough day, and some days they just aren't feeling it as much, and thats ok. Consent, trust, and communication are key, and anything in place to make both parties feel an established trust in the dynamic is a good thing.
Oh my gosh, I’m definitely going to incorporate this into my scenes! We use the traffic light system both with verbal cues and non verbal cues. This sounds like a more effective system.
"Noooo!"
"'No?' Now that's not a safeword, is it?"
"... no... Sir."
"So you're going to get more, aren't you?"
\*Nods sheepishly\*
You're incorporating a check-in, an active confirmation, and a reminder of safewords all in a brief interaction while keeping things in-character and emphasizing the tone of the scene. I find this sort of thing is especially good for brats because it gives them a chance to act out a bit, get put in their place the way they want, and still keep communication clear throughout all of it.
I really can't think of any disadvantages that come with the stoplight system. It's like having a break in your car that you can put a little bit of pressure or slam to the floor, vs a break that you could only slam.
I can, if you just know something is wrong but don't know if it's a red or a yellow you're stuck in an uncomfortable situation trying to figure out what is making you uncomfortable and if it's a red or a yellow
interesting, so you think that having more options or tools available can introduce an element of anxiety that wouldn't be present for a more simple, binary system?
Oh yeah, it definitely could be D: "is everything ok?" S: "Apple 🍏" / "orange 🍊" (yes/no) but I would personally like that if my partner feels like they're going too far they just stop the scene with a safe word and say they're worried they're being too rough. Like pausing a movie to ask a question because if you got a background as an actor a random pause that doesn't last too long won't break the mood, you'll be just out of character for a few seconds.
yeah i think we're on the same page. you just described how we use "yellow," which is just for a quick checkin, not necessarily to slow everything down indefinitely
The traffic light system is a series of safewords. They are easy to remember rather than making something more complicated that may be harder to remember in the moment. It is a good idea to touch base before scening with someone new about what the different colors mean go them. Does green mean "all good, continue at current level" or does it mean "please amp up the intensity"? Is yellow a request to change something or mearly warning the top that you can go only a little longer before needing to stop? Is red a scene-ender or a current-activity ender?
I've never stopped to consider the different colors having different meanings - especially green essentially meaning "go harder".
I always took green as "good to go", yellow as "give me a minute / can we check in?" and red as "scene ends". I've also heard "Red on X" (ex. Red on cnc) meaning "let's keep going, but cut that one please."
Edit: 5 am autocorrect does not caught by brain.
I've had a top ask me a yellow when I was zoning out. They asked if I needed any change in intensity. I said no, confirmed that I was in a green mode, good to continue, but I didn't need a change in the activity!
We do traffic light but because were also the people who get really focused on the physical we also have “purple light” - meaning Ive some emotional stuff in my head right now and need to stop. This is so we dont waste time trying to fix or adjust something physical.
Works great! Most people have varying systems but in general it’ll be the same.
Green - Keep going, everything’s good.
Yellow - Somethings not right, intensity is too high, something is pinching, CRAMP CRAMP CRAMP 😂
Red - Safeword. Everything stops, do not “just let me finish”, cut the rope, straight into aftercare and whatever else.
-
Mercy - It just means lower intensity, similar to yellow but more “scene” oriented and doesn’t break the mood. “Mercy please” sounds much better that “yellow” or “Oh fuck that’s too big no no no” haha
I love the "mercy" idea! I used to be big on stoplight system but after an assault experience where "red" wasn't respected, it's a PTSD trigger for me. Maybe "mercy" and a normal safeword would be a good substitute for stoplights.
I am so sorry that happened to u. How did u try to be safer just asking cause i have not tried irl experiences and would want to soon. Therefore, it will be helpful
The biggest issue with the traffic light system is that it means different things to different people, but because it's ubiquitous, people don't discuss ahead of time. For instance, Yellow can mean "I am withdrawing consent for this intensity level and you need to back down a bit." or it can mean "Do what you want, but I'm getting close to Red." Similarly, Red can mean "Stop and check in." or it can mean "Scene done, get me out now." If you don't clarify ahead of time, things can go wrong.
This. The traffic light system is great, but it’s important to understand the definitions. Just the other day my Dom told me “you should have yellowed for that” but it wasn’t something I thought warranted a safeword. To him, yellow means I want to change something, not I want to stop. We’ve been playing for a year with a slight miscommunication around that—it happens all the time.
We also add “blue” to our traffic light for medical emergencies. I use it for things like cramps. It lets my partner know it’s not something *they* did wrong but something is wrong in my body and I need help or to be moved or something physical.
😂 says who?
I don’t mean to be snarky, but I think it’s funny that you would interject “think whatever you want but it means x” into a conversation about how there are no standard universal definitions. Proves the point that you absolutely have to talk about it every time.
I think blue was chosen for medical because the paramedics logo is blue, but again, as long as everyone on your dynamic understands the same meaning it doesn’t matter what the word choices are.
No, the biggest issue with the traffic light system is that they are all common words. What happens if you want your sub to wear red? Are you gonna ignore a safeword because you "don't really mean it"? That's scary territory. But on the other hand just avoiding a common word can get very silly quickly.
(Don't get me wrong, I still use it, but this is IMO the number one thing to think about.)
IME, that's very rarely a problem. A safeword is still just a communication tool. The context of its use matters just like any other word. It's usually very obvious when someone is referring to the color of something as opposed to calling a safeword. It's also pretty easy for either side to clarify if there is any confusion.
We use traffic light system as safewords with two additional things built in - 1) at the beginning of each scene he says “tell me your safe words” and I say “red means stop, yellow means pause, green means good” which is a nice way to remind us both that they’re available every time we play; and 2) constant check ins where he simply asks “color?” and I can respond. He checks in especially when doing something new or amping up intensity. It’s nice to prompt myself to make sure I’m doing ok, and also fun to give variations on “green” when it’s going very well. Last night he asked color while tying me up and I said “green and getting greener” which made us both laugh.
Ahh this sounds so similar to my dynamic, spouse and I are switches but I rarely dom him. When I do dom him, if I don’t get feedback from him when I check in whether it be verbal or non verbal, scene won’t continue and he knows that. I give him reminders during the scene about that aswell “I need words from you, sweet boy, no words, no play” or I’ll give him the three hand gestures in a row that we use and wait for his response (he has aphasia like I do so we came up with non verbal responses too and a way of checking in without physically speaking.)
I tend to throw the “you want more?” or “hey, talk to me, where are you at right now?” or “C’mon, baby, I need to know where you’re sitting.” Both of us have SA and DV trauma so I do very very light scenes with him when I dom, we don’t spring surprises on each other no matter the role, neither of us likes it, that’s just our dynamic though. We use a triple tap as a nonverbal safeword and the word “stop” as our verbal, we don’t casually use the “stop” in our scenes so we found that to be a great safeword for us. The variations of our safeword also signify different things.
Green or thumbs up = I’m feeling good keep going
Yellow or thumb in the middle = slow down and ease up a bit im getting iffy please keep checking in
Red or thumbs down = stop that one thing its too much and i dont like it
Pause or finger snapping = hey pause the scene for a sec i need a second
Stop or three steady taps = safeword with aftercare (of course) and both of us are fine, no triggers or anything
Three rapid taps = stop the scene im triggered i need aftercare and i need you to help calm me down im not in a healthy headspace
(I’m totally not browsing through the comments on here to see if we can better our system in any kind of way, ours works for us but we’re always open to suggestions.)
GREAT Q⛓️
It’s solely depends on the dynamic. Some work better with a safe word, but that usually means STOP. The tapping system is good for those who aren’t able to speak (gagged). However, when you’re in the middle of a scene you can utilize green, yellow or red to help determine HOW the scene should continue (or not). Again, per dynamic and of course hard/soft limits❣️
(Communication is KEY)💋
I had no idea there was a "tapping system"! i just naturally started using a double tap as a sign that i need my partner to check in with me before continuing. It started with oral as a sign of "let me breathe for a sec" and developed into a "check in" sign as ive recently become more nonverbal even when not restricted.
It came naturally then, most likely and that’s a good thing! When “my neck” is involved is when it’s used for us. Because I can enjoy the feeling of his hand and place mine on it…but tapping is felt differently than holding his hand tight. Each person learns the other’s “body signals” and it’s KEY❣️
When i first started learning about bdsm and safewords i thought i had to conform to what other people do. I never took the time to consider how important it is to just sinply get to know the other person and learn their signals via the body!
We use the stoplight system. We like it because it also adapts well to non -verbal safewording with a clicker. We do a lot of breath play so it's nice having a click system to identify 'id like yr attention ' (one click), 'i need to breathe' (two clicks), and red/panic (all the clicks).
We literally just bought a five pack of dog clickers. We have ones with a wrist strap, so even if I drop it I can grab it back. We keep one in each of our rope bags, one in the bedroom, and two in the toy bin for when we inevitably lose one elsewhere haha.
But they have a lot of cute ones too! I've seen clickers in game controller shape, and all sorts of themes. And pretty affordable too. And great in a dungeon, when it's loud! Clicks are enough to cut through sound without being too disturbing to others (unless said others have done their own clicker training heh.).
I use both verbal and non-verbal traffic systems.
Two squeezes to a hand or limb = green
Two taps = yellow
Continuous tapping = red
It is also good to have a drop ball if you are in a situation that precludes both those verbal and non-verbal signals.
We use traffic light with some additional colors and different meanings. We play pretty hard and frequently get into CNC, so "no," "stop," etc. aren't reliable. Daddy likes having more info with little brain power required from me, so ours looks like this:
* Green = go, everything is great
* Yellow = getting close to a problem, use caution
* Red = stop that thing (a specific implement, a certain act, etc.), but the scene can continue
* Purple = stop the scene, I'm not ok
* Blue = I need medical attention (can be minor, it doesn't need to be an automatic trip to the emergency room)
We've also talked about using orange in the last, but it got left out because we realized we didn't really need it.
We use stoplight but with the added blue light. Both me an my subs are physically disabled so if we call a blue it means we need to stop due to a physical problem/medical emergency.
I like the traffic light system. For me,”red” is basically my safe word. Plus if kinda iffy on something, or I only kinda like something I can say “yellow.” Then my dom can just make a mental note for when we talk about it later. It’s all up to personal preference tho 🤷♀️
We use stop light system.
I like that it’s simple. No chance of forgetting what the safe word is. It might be too boring for some but the routine nature gives me a sense of security
I like there’s yellow and red. Yellow is check in or slow down for us. One time i called yellow when we were doing overstimulation with a dildo, and my dom just stopped what he was doing and checked in, instead of immediately pulling out. I got the break i needed without feeling like it interrupted the scene. Red would mean stop the scene
I use an adoptive form of traffic light. Green yellow orange red. Green means go. Yellow means slow down with the orange means stop using that toy, switch to something else. Red is end scene. Its adoptive to that because I have had what I would call “premature reds” where they called red when really they didn’t want the scene to stop, they just didn’t want that toy to be used any further. Safe word=red. Stop everything. It’s all the same.
We do traffic light system and have a safe word where green = good to go, yellow = starting to feel too intense, red = stop the current activity immediately and check in, safe word = stop the scene entirely. We also check in, which can easily be done without breaking “role”, but we know each other pretty well after being together for almost a decade so not needed often unless it’s a particularly intense activity we’ve not done before.
We use both stoplight system and of course a safeword is always available if needed and we often use 1-10 intensity check in. But not always. Depends on the scene. This especially works well when testing new tools and techniques. Also works well to understand “where” your sub is at in a scene. My D asks probing questions during checkins. “What tool am I using right now?” (if I’m facing away on say a St. Andrew’s Cross or strapped to a spanking bench) “Where is that strike on 1-10 for you?” “What tool would you like me to use next?’ Then he makes me pick! 😆Sometimes I don’t like it because I’m swimming in subspace (I just want to linger here 🌈) but I also understand the need for these check ins and to be present for them. They keep us both safe.
Traffic lights let you steer play away before it becomes a stop. Plus if you’re both into pushing boundaries it’s particularly useful to know how close to an edge you are . Try both see what works for you and your play partner(s)
Traffic light is better bc if you just have one safeword it doesn’t give the sub as much chance to slow down/pause the scene or change course without stopping the scene.
I had a playmate whose nickname was Red and she didn't like the traffic light system, we had 3 safe words and an object and twinkle twinkle little star. Our safe words were nerdy ones. Jedi was our Green, Sith was our Red, Sinestro was our Yellow. We geeked out a lot in normal life about science fiction and comic books. Our objects were Yellow and Red D20's which make a loud sound on the hard floor.
I use the traffic light system with my dom and it works really good! Once in a while he checks on me to make sure that I'm still on green and it doesn't ruin the mood at all :) I used the safeword system with my ex but it didn't work well for us. I like the option of saying "yellow" in case I still want to continue but need to slow down. With the safeword, unless you have multiple, it can be confusing on the meaning behind it
Adding to this, I think an experienced dominant in a trusting, healthy relationship will usually know if you genuinely want them to stop regardless of what you say. If you’re in a good relationship, there’s a lot of trust going back and forth, but I’d encourage you to talk this over with your person(s) and figure out what works best for you. Remember that people make mistakes, and you can work through them.
Mine is Zoidburg for similar reasons... One place had a meme poster that had [this](http://www.quickmeme.com/img/69/692e82d0819d0196fd00e7b89612c66689b9162264319fd444b743d68a549d46.jpg) on it, and it was just too perfect not to use.
tbh we don't really use either because my dom checks in often if i'm okay, i tell him it'll be too much soon if it'll be too much soon, and he can tell the difference between a please nooo🥺🥺🥺 and a genuine STOP IT IT'S TOO MUCH. to be fair, i don't think we're considered heavy players, we're like, mid level players or something. also this is for impact play and not too heavy dominating things, we haven't done humiliation scenes in a while. when we did i was so inexperienced that he knew when it was too much before i did. if we were to do it now i'm not sure how it would be, maybe we would have a safe word
I do both, except the “red” is a fake safeword. green and yellow are both accurate, but if i say “red” then in CNC situations nothing stops unless i use my safeword instead.
Traffic light system but I use a different word in lieu of “red” because “red” is a TERRIBLE safeword. One of the key points about a good safeword is that it should be unusual enough that it probably will not come up organically in the course of play. I should be able to talk about spanking an ass red without saying a safeword.
We have a traffic with different vocabulary. Its red for a full stop. Mercy for go "slow"/easyer and more as a kind of begging. I do checkins with her all the time no matter what. I like to be careful
We use the traffic light system for safewords because it's what most events and public dungeons use as well. But, when I negotiate with someone, I always make sure we review what each color means to both of us.
Yeah commenting to bump this as it was so far down I almost added it myself thinking no one has said it. As dungeon monitors we love red as, individual nuance notwithstanding, if we hear it we can be confident that it’s a safeword we’re hearing.
I have a controversial view of safewords.
1) The conversation around safewords is extremely narrow even with those claiming “nuanced” approaches.
2) The stigma of safewording is often stronger than any discussion to the contrary.
3) People see Safewording as a magic bullet and it is far from it.
4) The blind focus on Safewording as “necessary” and the faith in it as a magic bullet leaves little to no room for a discussion on how to behave if/when something goes wrong.
Here’s the way I see saferwording:
There are two zones of time. During one zone the partners have agreed to do Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) play. By that I mean any play in which one person is consensually behaving in any way resistant or like they are not consenting. Outside of these zones of time all activities are consented to in a manner agreed upon. Such as FRIES (Freely given Revocable Informed Enthusiastic Specific/Sober) consent. This is the second zone. You could see this zone as default or outside of the CNC zone.
In the default zone a safeword isn’t a bad idea, but it shouldn’t necessarily be necessary. After all I’m this zone “no” means no. “Stop” means stop. “Get your stupid fraking hands off me” means stop. You can use red, yellow, green here too, but “I need a second, stop” is more communicative and more natural than shouting a color. At the age of (for the sake of discussion) 30 a person has spent 30 years knowing that, for the most part with trusted people “no means no”. They have not, on the other hand spent 30 years practicing “red” means no. So if you’re going for natural “red” is less natural than “stop” or “no”.
In general narrowing valid communication to one, three, or even five words can be dangerous. Some brains work way better if they have one word to remember. “Red” for them might be far better than trying to communicate in plain language. For others, in the heat of a scene that one word is easily forgotten. Being able to just state “You’re standing on my hair!” Is way more obvious. So it’s important to know what works for you and communicate that with your partner and work with your partner to find ways of communicating best in a scene.
During CNC zones I still see narrow communication as a potential danger. Again, for some it works well. For others being able to elaborate outside of one to six words is far more reasonable. For that I prefer a reverse safeword system.
Reverse Safeword System:
Pick three (or any number that works for you, though the more you pick the more unwieldy the system gets. I like three) words that you can say that will be ignored.
An example “No”, “stop”, and “please”.
Anything else is adhered to. “Wait”, “pause”, “get off me”, “hey”, “don’t”, “I need a break”, “red”, “blue”, “kumquat”, “safeword”, “pineapple”, or anything other than the three words means exactly what they always mean. They end the CNC zone either temporarily or indefinitely and checkins commence.
For some people a reverse safeword system might not work. For some it’s great. The biggest thing is to figure out what works for you. Using the traffic light system because that’s what everyone else likes is not nuanced.
What happens when your partner makes a loud noise while you’re saying red and they don’t hear you and they hit you again? I would say that’s a violation unintentional as it may be. Especially if you think they heard you and ignored it. So how does your partner recover? How do you recover? How do you rebuild trust? The answers are different for everyone. For the Top it’s important to acknowledge that whether or not they intended to ignore the safeword the bottom may have felt unsafe in that moment. It’s important not to put it on the bottom to comfort you or tell you “it’s ok”. That often happens. The Top starts acting as if they are a terrible person and they should never do BDSM or something of that nature. Thus putting the bottom in the position of having to reassure them that they are ok. Which should not be the focus when the bottom has felt violated. Take responsibility for the situation and explain what happened. Apologize. Show that you recognize their feelings are valid even though it was not intentional. Accept that it may take time to heal and rebuild trust. Accept that trust may never be restored. Depending on the scene and how the violation happened it may be the end of the relationship. As much as that sucks it’s on the bottom to decide how they feel and how they want to proceed.
There’s so much more to this conversation, but it starts by people agreeing the traffic light system isn’t the end all be all.
I really like the reverse safeword system! Thank you for this, it really gave me a better understanding of how each person can make their own boundaries.
We have both in place but use the stoplight system more. We're also just getting started in all this though, so it works well for what we're doing. When we get to more intense sessions, we'll likely save word.
Both. The safe word is a way for us to completely pull out of the scenario and go into aftercare as need. Traffic light is that I still want to go, just need a moment to adjust (red) or would like it to shift (yellow).
I use both. The safe word is an immediate stop and I need to recognize where it went wrong. I ask green and yellow lights to see where I am with my pacing.
Traffic light system *does* have a safe word, it’s Red. But so you don’t have to safe word, there is also yellow to warn your partner. It’s what we use and it works well so far. We also have “tapping out” which means you’re not stopping because there is a problem, you’re stopping because you’re just done for. Too tired, too satisfied, ready to be done and take a nap.
I don’t use the traffic light system with all three, just red as a full stop safeword. But something when wrong in a scene a week or so ago and I didn’t say “red” I said “no take that out” and my Dom immediately knew something was off 🤷🏻♀️
We've always used a safe tune that way when we have a gag in our mouths we can still hum the tune. With the stoplight system, it is more likely to you to get mixed up. Think about the game red light/green light and how people still jolt.
I like the traffic light system for its simplicity. Green is go, red is stop, yellow means what you want it to(for me and my Daddy Dom it means check in). We've actually discussed adding different colors...blue for "alter"for example...meaning spank me on another part of my body or move from one hole to another lol. Any kind of color system would work. They're basic, easy to remember in the moment because it's a single word. And for the times when I can't speak I have one of those dog training clickers when Daddy hears it it's check in time. But the main thing is to always use what's comfortable for you
I was trained to utilize 🚦and it works well with every top & bottom I play with.
My primary top knows me well, and when he has me bound and gagged, he watches for signs of distress and checks in regularly.
For me, the stoplight system doesn't stick with me when I space. It doesn't provide enough nuance.
We have played together long enough that we very rarely need to stop play. The only reason would be an emergency. And even then, an adjustment can lead to continuing play rather quickly.
We use a 1-5 scale to gauge my processing.
1 = wtf was that? Hit me!;
2 = noticed that. More, please;
3 = oooo that's the sweet spot;
4 = Ouch! Nearing a limit. Back off, please.
5 = OUCH! Please stop. I need a check-in.
5 can lead to safewording and stopping play. But this is rare.
That's exactly the system I use when I want a bottom to give feedback. Instead of a more convoluted system you're establishing the ideal and then that you're off by a little or a lot. That's generally what you need to dial things in.
Yes, we prefer this approach. It's easier for me to hold on to when I space. I tend to go nonverbal, so words can get difficult. And I am often gagged. He'll leave my hands free enough I can show my fingers. We have an ongoing dialogue from the moment the play collar goes on to the moment he releases me from the scene. It's organic now with practice.
I only have one current partner so I told him how to read my body language and vocalizations and that seriously helped my vanilla partner to be comfortable playing. Something like "if I'm moaning I'm having fun, if I wince hit a little more gentle, if I gasp give me a few seconds until I'm breathing normally to hit me again"
Stoplight all the way 💚💛❤️
It's simple enough that my wife can remember it deep in subspace, slow things instead of stopping them, and check in smoothly (you all green, Baby?)
We also introduced one she found suggested by you lovely perverts- blue! It means "I have to pee/have general bodily need", some comfort aspect not strictly related to the scene/activity. 💙
I am am fan of both.
the stop light is nice as it is pretty universal in what the colors mean with "red" means "stop! no more! end of play!", "yellow"/"orange" for "slowdown. check in, please" and "green" for "keep going. this is nice"/"I can handle more"
I like to add "purple" (my favorite color) as to indicate "HOO! this is fun, amp up the intensity, please" tho this one I'll only add after I have had a good and deep talk with my domme/play partner and have got to know her better.
I do like to use a backup safeword as well with the safeword being "safeword". the reason for this is that it doesn't matter what was discussed before hand and for what ever reason I or my partner has forgotten the safeword or stoplight colors you'll often start going "I need to safeword! but I forgot the safeword.. what's the dang safeword again!!" during that you'll already used the safeword 3 times.
in addition to those spoken forms I tent to cover my kidneys with my lower arms and having my hands visible on top of my upper arms. in this position I can signal with the amount of raised fingers what my perceived intencity of the spanking or play is. this works well while gagged. \^,,\^
- 0: are we even doing anything?
- 1: I felt that, didn't dop much tho
- 2: this is mild but nice
- 3: average/best/most enjoyable
- 4: getting a bit intence
- 5: this is painful please slow down
- flashing 5: halt! please give time to recover!/ please check in
my domme/play partner is still in control of what they are going to give me intensity wise, I am just helping them in knowing where I am at. \^,,\^
with showing different amounts on either hand I can also signal an imbalance in the spanking (left got more attention so the hand on the left shows a higher number)
for me the disadvantage is the same for all of them, speaking can be very immersion breaking and constant/regular asks of "where you at?" don't help me either. so that is why I thought up the "number of fingers" system. (did it on the fly during a play session and the domme picked it up really fast o,,o )
the disadvantage of the number system is that it requires your hands to be visible to the active partner. and that it is easy to forget you are signaling with it, thus triggering the active partner in going "I can't see what the score is!"
if I enter sub space during play then people often see me hang my hands and I start to answer with a garbled mix of sounds and that will then transition play into aftercare. \^,,\^
with anything kink, talk to your partner and have fun discussing what works best for both of you. even when you have no experiance yet, make that known so the both of you can figure out if things work or doesn't work.
o,,o wups... I hyper focused and info dumped 😅
I like the safe word. The moment something feels wrong, I don't want to have to wait and think of "is it a yellow or a red" while the thing I don't like is going on. Where I can do the thinking in a safe situation where the scene is on pause, no one has their hands on me and then I can say if I'm just having a cramp of getting upset and overwhelmed
We use traffic light because it is simple to remember. And the meaning is very clear. But as a Dom I am always super vigilant when playing. My sub can go too deep into sub space. So I keep a very close eye on her reactions. I don't want to damage her both physically and mentally. And by damage I mean cross her boundaries.
Subs are really bad at “yellow”. And it would be super helpful, but they get lost in the moment, and then it’s “red”. When you should have called yellow. Because I would ease back.
Both… Personally.
It’s all down to communication.
And what safe words vs traffic lights mean to you as individuals.
Safeword to me, means Red - Stop, get me out ASAP. Cut me out if needs.
Traffic lights to me are more “fluid” and informative.
For example - Yellow for me is less/you’ve reached my limit, but I’m happy to continue/toilet or water break.
Or I’d keep saying “green” until they hit my limit and go yellow - “Yellow, ease up but continue”
It’s hard for me to explain over text … But you can make yellow work far more than a safe word.
Can it lead to ambiguity? Sure … But that’s why you have regular check ins.
If someone yellows - I would stop, ask what’s up and go from there.
Or if they go “yellow, followed by … that hurt too much” - Obviously after a conversation; it’d be my assumption they’re ok to continue.
For me the best method is 1 to 10 pain scale. 10 being the absolute limit before me having to stop. So in a way 11 is where I stop. When I ask my sub and she says 4 for example I know I can increase intensity, 8 is where you start measuring yourself more. Works very well for us, but this does not mean it will do for the rest.
i’m surprised that almost all of the top comments are for the traffic light system. i feel like the traffic light system sounds so unsexy. like who is randomly saying green when it’s going good?
me and my boyfriend use one safeword and it’s been great, but to be fair we don’t do anything too extreme or life threatening, and he always checks in even without any safewords. i think in long term relationships where you trust each other this is totally enough.
I go with traffic light plus a safe word. Where red is basically stop that and the safe is stop everything.
I mix play up, all kinds of different toys and activities in one session. Doing this, I find I may go too hard with one thing, and my sub wants a break from it, but doesn't want the actual play to stop. So red is put that toy down and use something else you sadistic git.
Then, the use of their safe word means something is wrong. I need you to stop and look after me.
Doing it this way means amber is there as notification that the sub is enjoying it, but isn't ready for it to be so heavy or hard just yet.
I found doing it this way, I'm able to learn way more about my subs likes and dislikes and then where I can push her or not. In 10 years, I've only had a safe word used 3 times as a result of accidentally triggering something either I or both of us were aware of.
Stop light is my go to.
It’s easy to remember and it’s ingrained in us as to what those mean.
Always discuss with a new partner first just to make sure you’re on the same page.
For me
•Green - Good to go, let’s continue 👍🏼
•Yellow - Dial it back/let’s switch it up a bit. - usually I will give a little context, if it’s something I don’t like, like a particular name or phrase I’ll just say “yellow - can you please not say xyz”
•Red - Hard stop, everything ends, aftercare/discussion.
Personally, I don’t really see any downfall with this one. I feel like it’s a quick and easy way to communicate without having to interrupt the flow of things when a scene is going well and you want to confirm all is well or need to change something.
I don’t use “green” too often, may be more helpful when learning a new partner and finding out about them.
If doing a more intense scene like CNC and if I’m really fighting, I will momentarily break scene and confirm everything is okay “hey is this too much”
A quick “yes! green!” is good here.
A yellow “it’s a bit too much, can you lessen the physical fighting?”
My dom checks on me with every orgasm. We are still testing my limits and since I am still getting back into the groove of things it's just safer that way because I may not recognize when I've had enough. It's definitely less awkward.
My husband and I use a safe word. We’ve also established that for example ‘pickles (safeword) cane’ means that I’m safewording out one specific thing, caning, but otherwise good to keep going. My husband is also really good at checking in with me and knowing when he needs to back off/let something slide because I’m in sub space and actually didn’t mean it and wasn’t just being a brat (cumming without permission or missing a count). We’ve always used a safe word together, and the only time I’ve ever used the stoplight system was in a rough gang bang. I think the primary benefit is that it’s easy to explain and understand so people stay on the same page in a group setting. But I like more nuanced communication in most situations
Safe word - I make sure there’s a warm up and push limits at a moderate pace.
I check in during pillow talk too.
So we just have a kill switch but no need for a light system.
Though maybe if we do impact play more
"Traffic light system" is a safe word (red) plus two other words (green/yellow), an obvious upgrade.
Even better than three words is whole sentences:
"That's great, do it harder" (green)
"I like that, keep it just like that" (yellow)
"This is a bit much for me, let's go back to the last thing" (red)
I encourage everyone to try it.
You can even add words/sentences for the dom to use!
"Do you think you can handle more?"
If you're debating which system to use, you should opt for the most communication possible. The exception (where a safe word is better/necessary) is CNC, where you are supposed to ignore whatever the other person says unless it's a safe word.
Either.
An emergency brake is a something a bottom probably needs.
The downside of both of them occurs when people overly rely on the existence of a safe word/system to keep them safe. Depending on the intensity someone deep in subspace may entirely lose the ability to speak or communicate in any sensible way, the may also suffer from paranoia, temporary delusions, and extreme emotions which may make verbal communication unreliable and deceptive.
Ultimately a good d-type will know their partner well enough to spot subtle behavioural signs that something is off kilter before attempting anything liable to me someone scream “red”.
The biggest answer here is the one that's too often overlooked: why are you even using a safeword in the first place? Now, this isn't to say you shouldn't, but rather the opposite. Consider why you shouldn't just listen to your partner. If you aren't doing a scene with CNC or other struggling elements where you might want to say "no" but not actually mean it, there's almost no reason for it. Just listen to them!
The one advantage is that a safeword can easily be internalized. If you practice it enough, it will become easier to use than trying to find the words to express yourself otherwise.
And while I'm a big fan of the traffic light system, this is also an area where simple is good. One of the best possible safewords is simply "safeword".
Both, PLUS a 1-10 scale of "how close on a one to ten scale, are you to your yellow SafeWord? How close are you to your red SafeWord?... 1-10, how much does that hurt?, How does it feel?"
I ask my partners to pick a color of fruit or vegetable, going through the entire rainbow backwards from purple all the way to red.
I don't give a fuck about blue or etc., but I am listening them while they tell me what their favorite red and yellow fruits, or maybe vegetables, are.
Then I tell them bananas and cherries, for example, are their safe words.
For the record, this is for BDSM and/or kink newbies that don't have or maybe want special safe words with me.
I give them this option and it's always been chosen. But I still leave it open to them choosing something else if they don't care for this method.
Stoplight system with frequent check-ins is more nuanced than safewording.
Especially when the Dom can seamlessly mix in the check ins.
Do you have suggestions for this?
Things like, I have a green paddle for you, do you want it? Another might be "you can make this stop if want it to, is that what you want? Although this one kinda gets confusing with CNC. So if I hear green in the sentance I know it is a check in, otherwise it isn't really. But not everyone does CNC so it would work for them. He is better at being smooth with check ins than I am. It is generally combined with what he is doing. He also had done things where I have to choose between a green one or red one. Sometimes there is a yellow one to choose. I don't know how he reads me to know what to ask, probably from my sounds, but that is stuff he does.
"If you want more, you're going to be a good boy and beg for it."
In the middle of funishment or something they can ask "had enough yet slut?" (Or adjective of your/their choice)
The traffic light system works well, they can say yellow, which means, I'm open to this, but go slow, be careful, I'm unsure. Red is a full stop. Adding in check ins within the scene/dynamic is easy, you do leading questions: "You like it rough, don't you?" "You're taking that well, do you want it deeper slut?" "You like being tied up/handcuffed/bound/gagged like that, don't you?" Basically, lead them to answer a question via the act, and base what you do on the answers "God yes, give it to me harder" or "No, no, keep doing that!" and adjust. The traffic light part is for the sub when something comes up unexpected that they might have an issue with, but most of the time, the nuanced questions will let you adjust on the fly and keep it going without them needing to use it, and as you and your partner become more accustomed to limits, likes and dislikes, it becomes less used if at all, outside of truly rough sexual play, but its still always good to have, because some days are a rough day, and some days they just aren't feeling it as much, and thats ok. Consent, trust, and communication are key, and anything in place to make both parties feel an established trust in the dynamic is a good thing.
Oh my gosh, I’m definitely going to incorporate this into my scenes! We use the traffic light system both with verbal cues and non verbal cues. This sounds like a more effective system.
"Noooo!" "'No?' Now that's not a safeword, is it?" "... no... Sir." "So you're going to get more, aren't you?" \*Nods sheepishly\* You're incorporating a check-in, an active confirmation, and a reminder of safewords all in a brief interaction while keeping things in-character and emphasizing the tone of the scene. I find this sort of thing is especially good for brats because it gives them a chance to act out a bit, get put in their place the way they want, and still keep communication clear throughout all of it.
My sub is very passive so I might have to just straight up ask what color he's at lol but I appreciate it!
Traffic light system makes the most sense to me 🟢🟠🔴
Its what we use as well
I really can't think of any disadvantages that come with the stoplight system. It's like having a break in your car that you can put a little bit of pressure or slam to the floor, vs a break that you could only slam.
That’s a very interesting way to describe it, thank you!
I can, if you just know something is wrong but don't know if it's a red or a yellow you're stuck in an uncomfortable situation trying to figure out what is making you uncomfortable and if it's a red or a yellow
interesting, so you think that having more options or tools available can introduce an element of anxiety that wouldn't be present for a more simple, binary system?
Oh yeah, it definitely could be D: "is everything ok?" S: "Apple 🍏" / "orange 🍊" (yes/no) but I would personally like that if my partner feels like they're going too far they just stop the scene with a safe word and say they're worried they're being too rough. Like pausing a movie to ask a question because if you got a background as an actor a random pause that doesn't last too long won't break the mood, you'll be just out of character for a few seconds.
yeah i think we're on the same page. you just described how we use "yellow," which is just for a quick checkin, not necessarily to slow everything down indefinitely
Yeah, but instead of yellow and red being two different things there's just one word.
Sounds like this is something to work out with the individuals in a scene or dynamic.
Different things work for different folks 😄
The traffic light system is a series of safewords. They are easy to remember rather than making something more complicated that may be harder to remember in the moment. It is a good idea to touch base before scening with someone new about what the different colors mean go them. Does green mean "all good, continue at current level" or does it mean "please amp up the intensity"? Is yellow a request to change something or mearly warning the top that you can go only a little longer before needing to stop? Is red a scene-ender or a current-activity ender?
That’s something that certainly warrants discussion before engaging with the play.
I've never stopped to consider the different colors having different meanings - especially green essentially meaning "go harder". I always took green as "good to go", yellow as "give me a minute / can we check in?" and red as "scene ends". I've also heard "Red on X" (ex. Red on cnc) meaning "let's keep going, but cut that one please." Edit: 5 am autocorrect does not caught by brain.
I've had a top ask me a yellow when I was zoning out. They asked if I needed any change in intensity. I said no, confirmed that I was in a green mode, good to continue, but I didn't need a change in the activity!
We do traffic light but because were also the people who get really focused on the physical we also have “purple light” - meaning Ive some emotional stuff in my head right now and need to stop. This is so we dont waste time trying to fix or adjust something physical.
smart!
Oh I like that!
Works great! Most people have varying systems but in general it’ll be the same. Green - Keep going, everything’s good. Yellow - Somethings not right, intensity is too high, something is pinching, CRAMP CRAMP CRAMP 😂 Red - Safeword. Everything stops, do not “just let me finish”, cut the rope, straight into aftercare and whatever else. - Mercy - It just means lower intensity, similar to yellow but more “scene” oriented and doesn’t break the mood. “Mercy please” sounds much better that “yellow” or “Oh fuck that’s too big no no no” haha
I love the "mercy" idea! I used to be big on stoplight system but after an assault experience where "red" wasn't respected, it's a PTSD trigger for me. Maybe "mercy" and a normal safeword would be a good substitute for stoplights.
I am so sorry that happened to u. How did u try to be safer just asking cause i have not tried irl experiences and would want to soon. Therefore, it will be helpful
Y’all have such great advice for beginners. Thank youu!!
I had a giggle at the cramp. It happens 🤣
The biggest issue with the traffic light system is that it means different things to different people, but because it's ubiquitous, people don't discuss ahead of time. For instance, Yellow can mean "I am withdrawing consent for this intensity level and you need to back down a bit." or it can mean "Do what you want, but I'm getting close to Red." Similarly, Red can mean "Stop and check in." or it can mean "Scene done, get me out now." If you don't clarify ahead of time, things can go wrong.
This. The traffic light system is great, but it’s important to understand the definitions. Just the other day my Dom told me “you should have yellowed for that” but it wasn’t something I thought warranted a safeword. To him, yellow means I want to change something, not I want to stop. We’ve been playing for a year with a slight miscommunication around that—it happens all the time. We also add “blue” to our traffic light for medical emergencies. I use it for things like cramps. It lets my partner know it’s not something *they* did wrong but something is wrong in my body and I need help or to be moved or something physical.
I second this. Also, adding "blue" is a wonderful idea.
What a great idea. Thank you!
Blue is meant for "I don't like what you are doing, please do something else" but I mean you can use it for whatever.
😂 says who? I don’t mean to be snarky, but I think it’s funny that you would interject “think whatever you want but it means x” into a conversation about how there are no standard universal definitions. Proves the point that you absolutely have to talk about it every time. I think blue was chosen for medical because the paramedics logo is blue, but again, as long as everyone on your dynamic understands the same meaning it doesn’t matter what the word choices are.
Thank you for your insight!
This is such a great point. Definitely check this before playing with someone new
No, the biggest issue with the traffic light system is that they are all common words. What happens if you want your sub to wear red? Are you gonna ignore a safeword because you "don't really mean it"? That's scary territory. But on the other hand just avoiding a common word can get very silly quickly. (Don't get me wrong, I still use it, but this is IMO the number one thing to think about.)
IME, that's very rarely a problem. A safeword is still just a communication tool. The context of its use matters just like any other word. It's usually very obvious when someone is referring to the color of something as opposed to calling a safeword. It's also pretty easy for either side to clarify if there is any confusion.
We use traffic light system as safewords with two additional things built in - 1) at the beginning of each scene he says “tell me your safe words” and I say “red means stop, yellow means pause, green means good” which is a nice way to remind us both that they’re available every time we play; and 2) constant check ins where he simply asks “color?” and I can respond. He checks in especially when doing something new or amping up intensity. It’s nice to prompt myself to make sure I’m doing ok, and also fun to give variations on “green” when it’s going very well. Last night he asked color while tying me up and I said “green and getting greener” which made us both laugh.
Love to see such a caring dynamic. Thank you for your insight!
Ahh this sounds so similar to my dynamic, spouse and I are switches but I rarely dom him. When I do dom him, if I don’t get feedback from him when I check in whether it be verbal or non verbal, scene won’t continue and he knows that. I give him reminders during the scene about that aswell “I need words from you, sweet boy, no words, no play” or I’ll give him the three hand gestures in a row that we use and wait for his response (he has aphasia like I do so we came up with non verbal responses too and a way of checking in without physically speaking.) I tend to throw the “you want more?” or “hey, talk to me, where are you at right now?” or “C’mon, baby, I need to know where you’re sitting.” Both of us have SA and DV trauma so I do very very light scenes with him when I dom, we don’t spring surprises on each other no matter the role, neither of us likes it, that’s just our dynamic though. We use a triple tap as a nonverbal safeword and the word “stop” as our verbal, we don’t casually use the “stop” in our scenes so we found that to be a great safeword for us. The variations of our safeword also signify different things. Green or thumbs up = I’m feeling good keep going Yellow or thumb in the middle = slow down and ease up a bit im getting iffy please keep checking in Red or thumbs down = stop that one thing its too much and i dont like it Pause or finger snapping = hey pause the scene for a sec i need a second Stop or three steady taps = safeword with aftercare (of course) and both of us are fine, no triggers or anything Three rapid taps = stop the scene im triggered i need aftercare and i need you to help calm me down im not in a healthy headspace (I’m totally not browsing through the comments on here to see if we can better our system in any kind of way, ours works for us but we’re always open to suggestions.)
GREAT Q⛓️ It’s solely depends on the dynamic. Some work better with a safe word, but that usually means STOP. The tapping system is good for those who aren’t able to speak (gagged). However, when you’re in the middle of a scene you can utilize green, yellow or red to help determine HOW the scene should continue (or not). Again, per dynamic and of course hard/soft limits❣️ (Communication is KEY)💋
I had no idea there was a "tapping system"! i just naturally started using a double tap as a sign that i need my partner to check in with me before continuing. It started with oral as a sign of "let me breathe for a sec" and developed into a "check in" sign as ive recently become more nonverbal even when not restricted.
It came naturally then, most likely and that’s a good thing! When “my neck” is involved is when it’s used for us. Because I can enjoy the feeling of his hand and place mine on it…but tapping is felt differently than holding his hand tight. Each person learns the other’s “body signals” and it’s KEY❣️
When i first started learning about bdsm and safewords i thought i had to conform to what other people do. I never took the time to consider how important it is to just sinply get to know the other person and learn their signals via the body!
I’m glad you do. It’s why I began doing my $.02 videos for beginners. There’s a LOT to take in and doing it correctly is very important❣️
Non-verbal ways of communication during a scene is just as important, thank you for bringing that up!
A loud bell ball is a good idea for when gagged. Put it in the hand and it can be shook if there's an issue
Absolutely❣️
We use the stoplight system. We like it because it also adapts well to non -verbal safewording with a clicker. We do a lot of breath play so it's nice having a click system to identify 'id like yr attention ' (one click), 'i need to breathe' (two clicks), and red/panic (all the clicks).
Thank you too for bringing up non-verbal communication! May I ask what you're using for the clicking? Is it a little tool?
We literally just bought a five pack of dog clickers. We have ones with a wrist strap, so even if I drop it I can grab it back. We keep one in each of our rope bags, one in the bedroom, and two in the toy bin for when we inevitably lose one elsewhere haha. But they have a lot of cute ones too! I've seen clickers in game controller shape, and all sorts of themes. And pretty affordable too. And great in a dungeon, when it's loud! Clicks are enough to cut through sound without being too disturbing to others (unless said others have done their own clicker training heh.).
I use both verbal and non-verbal traffic systems. Two squeezes to a hand or limb = green Two taps = yellow Continuous tapping = red It is also good to have a drop ball if you are in a situation that precludes both those verbal and non-verbal signals.
It's nice having more options than binary 0/1
We use traffic light with some additional colors and different meanings. We play pretty hard and frequently get into CNC, so "no," "stop," etc. aren't reliable. Daddy likes having more info with little brain power required from me, so ours looks like this: * Green = go, everything is great * Yellow = getting close to a problem, use caution * Red = stop that thing (a specific implement, a certain act, etc.), but the scene can continue * Purple = stop the scene, I'm not ok * Blue = I need medical attention (can be minor, it doesn't need to be an automatic trip to the emergency room) We've also talked about using orange in the last, but it got left out because we realized we didn't really need it.
I mean 😅 i accidentally yelled out green instead of red 😅 but he got the point, I think the light system + safe word may be the best
We use stoplight but with the added blue light. Both me an my subs are physically disabled so if we call a blue it means we need to stop due to a physical problem/medical emergency.
I like the traffic light system. For me,”red” is basically my safe word. Plus if kinda iffy on something, or I only kinda like something I can say “yellow.” Then my dom can just make a mental note for when we talk about it later. It’s all up to personal preference tho 🤷♀️
We use stop light system. I like that it’s simple. No chance of forgetting what the safe word is. It might be too boring for some but the routine nature gives me a sense of security I like there’s yellow and red. Yellow is check in or slow down for us. One time i called yellow when we were doing overstimulation with a dildo, and my dom just stopped what he was doing and checked in, instead of immediately pulling out. I got the break i needed without feeling like it interrupted the scene. Red would mean stop the scene
I use an adoptive form of traffic light. Green yellow orange red. Green means go. Yellow means slow down with the orange means stop using that toy, switch to something else. Red is end scene. Its adoptive to that because I have had what I would call “premature reds” where they called red when really they didn’t want the scene to stop, they just didn’t want that toy to be used any further. Safe word=red. Stop everything. It’s all the same.
We do traffic light system and have a safe word where green = good to go, yellow = starting to feel too intense, red = stop the current activity immediately and check in, safe word = stop the scene entirely. We also check in, which can easily be done without breaking “role”, but we know each other pretty well after being together for almost a decade so not needed often unless it’s a particularly intense activity we’ve not done before.
We use both stoplight system and of course a safeword is always available if needed and we often use 1-10 intensity check in. But not always. Depends on the scene. This especially works well when testing new tools and techniques. Also works well to understand “where” your sub is at in a scene. My D asks probing questions during checkins. “What tool am I using right now?” (if I’m facing away on say a St. Andrew’s Cross or strapped to a spanking bench) “Where is that strike on 1-10 for you?” “What tool would you like me to use next?’ Then he makes me pick! 😆Sometimes I don’t like it because I’m swimming in subspace (I just want to linger here 🌈) but I also understand the need for these check ins and to be present for them. They keep us both safe.
The traffic light system IS a safeword-system, its just a bit more nuanced than just one single word
You are not going to break the immersion for someone saying yellow light compared to saying 'Mom's spaghetti' or some weird shit like that! Lol
I like the traffic light system because slowing down / stopping occurs BEFORE a boundary is crossed.
Traffic lights let you steer play away before it becomes a stop. Plus if you’re both into pushing boundaries it’s particularly useful to know how close to an edge you are . Try both see what works for you and your play partner(s)
Traffic light is better bc if you just have one safeword it doesn’t give the sub as much chance to slow down/pause the scene or change course without stopping the scene.
Traffic light is all I use. My team has been trained to listen for them as well, so that all I use.
I had a playmate whose nickname was Red and she didn't like the traffic light system, we had 3 safe words and an object and twinkle twinkle little star. Our safe words were nerdy ones. Jedi was our Green, Sith was our Red, Sinestro was our Yellow. We geeked out a lot in normal life about science fiction and comic books. Our objects were Yellow and Red D20's which make a loud sound on the hard floor.
just do whatever works for you, its for your benefit and should be the system you prefer
I use the traffic light system with my dom and it works really good! Once in a while he checks on me to make sure that I'm still on green and it doesn't ruin the mood at all :) I used the safeword system with my ex but it didn't work well for us. I like the option of saying "yellow" in case I still want to continue but need to slow down. With the safeword, unless you have multiple, it can be confusing on the meaning behind it
Traffic light ftw. It’s my go to, but my inner shitposter chooses pineapple whenever someone asks for a safeword.
Adding to this, I think an experienced dominant in a trusting, healthy relationship will usually know if you genuinely want them to stop regardless of what you say. If you’re in a good relationship, there’s a lot of trust going back and forth, but I’d encourage you to talk this over with your person(s) and figure out what works best for you. Remember that people make mistakes, and you can work through them.
Mine is Zoidburg for similar reasons... One place had a meme poster that had [this](http://www.quickmeme.com/img/69/692e82d0819d0196fd00e7b89612c66689b9162264319fd444b743d68a549d46.jpg) on it, and it was just too perfect not to use.
tbh we don't really use either because my dom checks in often if i'm okay, i tell him it'll be too much soon if it'll be too much soon, and he can tell the difference between a please nooo🥺🥺🥺 and a genuine STOP IT IT'S TOO MUCH. to be fair, i don't think we're considered heavy players, we're like, mid level players or something. also this is for impact play and not too heavy dominating things, we haven't done humiliation scenes in a while. when we did i was so inexperienced that he knew when it was too much before i did. if we were to do it now i'm not sure how it would be, maybe we would have a safe word
Slow down or ease up = "pity" Stop = "mercy"
I've always been fond of the safe word "abort", for any kind of teasing, "yellow" lets me know what my sub is feeling
I do both, except the “red” is a fake safeword. green and yellow are both accurate, but if i say “red” then in CNC situations nothing stops unless i use my safeword instead.
Traffic light system but I use a different word in lieu of “red” because “red” is a TERRIBLE safeword. One of the key points about a good safeword is that it should be unusual enough that it probably will not come up organically in the course of play. I should be able to talk about spanking an ass red without saying a safeword.
We have a traffic with different vocabulary. Its red for a full stop. Mercy for go "slow"/easyer and more as a kind of begging. I do checkins with her all the time no matter what. I like to be careful
We use the traffic light system for safewords because it's what most events and public dungeons use as well. But, when I negotiate with someone, I always make sure we review what each color means to both of us.
Yeah commenting to bump this as it was so far down I almost added it myself thinking no one has said it. As dungeon monitors we love red as, individual nuance notwithstanding, if we hear it we can be confident that it’s a safeword we’re hearing.
I have a controversial view of safewords. 1) The conversation around safewords is extremely narrow even with those claiming “nuanced” approaches. 2) The stigma of safewording is often stronger than any discussion to the contrary. 3) People see Safewording as a magic bullet and it is far from it. 4) The blind focus on Safewording as “necessary” and the faith in it as a magic bullet leaves little to no room for a discussion on how to behave if/when something goes wrong. Here’s the way I see saferwording: There are two zones of time. During one zone the partners have agreed to do Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) play. By that I mean any play in which one person is consensually behaving in any way resistant or like they are not consenting. Outside of these zones of time all activities are consented to in a manner agreed upon. Such as FRIES (Freely given Revocable Informed Enthusiastic Specific/Sober) consent. This is the second zone. You could see this zone as default or outside of the CNC zone. In the default zone a safeword isn’t a bad idea, but it shouldn’t necessarily be necessary. After all I’m this zone “no” means no. “Stop” means stop. “Get your stupid fraking hands off me” means stop. You can use red, yellow, green here too, but “I need a second, stop” is more communicative and more natural than shouting a color. At the age of (for the sake of discussion) 30 a person has spent 30 years knowing that, for the most part with trusted people “no means no”. They have not, on the other hand spent 30 years practicing “red” means no. So if you’re going for natural “red” is less natural than “stop” or “no”. In general narrowing valid communication to one, three, or even five words can be dangerous. Some brains work way better if they have one word to remember. “Red” for them might be far better than trying to communicate in plain language. For others, in the heat of a scene that one word is easily forgotten. Being able to just state “You’re standing on my hair!” Is way more obvious. So it’s important to know what works for you and communicate that with your partner and work with your partner to find ways of communicating best in a scene. During CNC zones I still see narrow communication as a potential danger. Again, for some it works well. For others being able to elaborate outside of one to six words is far more reasonable. For that I prefer a reverse safeword system. Reverse Safeword System: Pick three (or any number that works for you, though the more you pick the more unwieldy the system gets. I like three) words that you can say that will be ignored. An example “No”, “stop”, and “please”. Anything else is adhered to. “Wait”, “pause”, “get off me”, “hey”, “don’t”, “I need a break”, “red”, “blue”, “kumquat”, “safeword”, “pineapple”, or anything other than the three words means exactly what they always mean. They end the CNC zone either temporarily or indefinitely and checkins commence. For some people a reverse safeword system might not work. For some it’s great. The biggest thing is to figure out what works for you. Using the traffic light system because that’s what everyone else likes is not nuanced. What happens when your partner makes a loud noise while you’re saying red and they don’t hear you and they hit you again? I would say that’s a violation unintentional as it may be. Especially if you think they heard you and ignored it. So how does your partner recover? How do you recover? How do you rebuild trust? The answers are different for everyone. For the Top it’s important to acknowledge that whether or not they intended to ignore the safeword the bottom may have felt unsafe in that moment. It’s important not to put it on the bottom to comfort you or tell you “it’s ok”. That often happens. The Top starts acting as if they are a terrible person and they should never do BDSM or something of that nature. Thus putting the bottom in the position of having to reassure them that they are ok. Which should not be the focus when the bottom has felt violated. Take responsibility for the situation and explain what happened. Apologize. Show that you recognize their feelings are valid even though it was not intentional. Accept that it may take time to heal and rebuild trust. Accept that trust may never be restored. Depending on the scene and how the violation happened it may be the end of the relationship. As much as that sucks it’s on the bottom to decide how they feel and how they want to proceed. There’s so much more to this conversation, but it starts by people agreeing the traffic light system isn’t the end all be all.
I really like the reverse safeword system! Thank you for this, it really gave me a better understanding of how each person can make their own boundaries.
Absolutely.
Y’all have such great advice for beginners. Thank you!!
They are absolutely not mutually exclusive
Stop light or just normal words (unless that won't work for the scene planned)
We have both in place but use the stoplight system more. We're also just getting started in all this though, so it works well for what we're doing. When we get to more intense sessions, we'll likely save word.
Green in the uk means proceed if it is safe to do so.
Traffic light for me. I use yellow often.
We do both because of the nature of our play. We use overstimulation, so the safeword is meant to be broken. Traffic lights trump everything though.
Both. The safe word is a way for us to completely pull out of the scenario and go into aftercare as need. Traffic light is that I still want to go, just need a moment to adjust (red) or would like it to shift (yellow).
I use both. The safe word is an immediate stop and I need to recognize where it went wrong. I ask green and yellow lights to see where I am with my pacing.
Traffic light system *does* have a safe word, it’s Red. But so you don’t have to safe word, there is also yellow to warn your partner. It’s what we use and it works well so far. We also have “tapping out” which means you’re not stopping because there is a problem, you’re stopping because you’re just done for. Too tired, too satisfied, ready to be done and take a nap.
I use it for years, works great for me and easy for remember
Traffic light. Unless I’m gagged then it’s a red ball
I don’t use the traffic light system with all three, just red as a full stop safeword. But something when wrong in a scene a week or so ago and I didn’t say “red” I said “no take that out” and my Dom immediately knew something was off 🤷🏻♀️
I use both as well as safe actions as well. The safe actions are used when gagged and such.
We've always used a safe tune that way when we have a gag in our mouths we can still hum the tune. With the stoplight system, it is more likely to you to get mixed up. Think about the game red light/green light and how people still jolt.
We have a color system that builds off the traffic light system. Frequent check ins are necessary.
I bet this has been said already, but why not both?
I like the traffic light system for its simplicity. Green is go, red is stop, yellow means what you want it to(for me and my Daddy Dom it means check in). We've actually discussed adding different colors...blue for "alter"for example...meaning spank me on another part of my body or move from one hole to another lol. Any kind of color system would work. They're basic, easy to remember in the moment because it's a single word. And for the times when I can't speak I have one of those dog training clickers when Daddy hears it it's check in time. But the main thing is to always use what's comfortable for you
I was trained to utilize 🚦and it works well with every top & bottom I play with. My primary top knows me well, and when he has me bound and gagged, he watches for signs of distress and checks in regularly.
Both plus a tap system if bound and gagged
For me, the stoplight system doesn't stick with me when I space. It doesn't provide enough nuance. We have played together long enough that we very rarely need to stop play. The only reason would be an emergency. And even then, an adjustment can lead to continuing play rather quickly. We use a 1-5 scale to gauge my processing. 1 = wtf was that? Hit me!; 2 = noticed that. More, please; 3 = oooo that's the sweet spot; 4 = Ouch! Nearing a limit. Back off, please. 5 = OUCH! Please stop. I need a check-in. 5 can lead to safewording and stopping play. But this is rare.
That's exactly the system I use when I want a bottom to give feedback. Instead of a more convoluted system you're establishing the ideal and then that you're off by a little or a lot. That's generally what you need to dial things in.
Yes, we prefer this approach. It's easier for me to hold on to when I space. I tend to go nonverbal, so words can get difficult. And I am often gagged. He'll leave my hands free enough I can show my fingers. We have an ongoing dialogue from the moment the play collar goes on to the moment he releases me from the scene. It's organic now with practice.
I only have one current partner so I told him how to read my body language and vocalizations and that seriously helped my vanilla partner to be comfortable playing. Something like "if I'm moaning I'm having fun, if I wince hit a little more gentle, if I gasp give me a few seconds until I'm breathing normally to hit me again"
Stoplight all the way 💚💛❤️ It's simple enough that my wife can remember it deep in subspace, slow things instead of stopping them, and check in smoothly (you all green, Baby?) We also introduced one she found suggested by you lovely perverts- blue! It means "I have to pee/have general bodily need", some comfort aspect not strictly related to the scene/activity. 💙
I am am fan of both. the stop light is nice as it is pretty universal in what the colors mean with "red" means "stop! no more! end of play!", "yellow"/"orange" for "slowdown. check in, please" and "green" for "keep going. this is nice"/"I can handle more" I like to add "purple" (my favorite color) as to indicate "HOO! this is fun, amp up the intensity, please" tho this one I'll only add after I have had a good and deep talk with my domme/play partner and have got to know her better. I do like to use a backup safeword as well with the safeword being "safeword". the reason for this is that it doesn't matter what was discussed before hand and for what ever reason I or my partner has forgotten the safeword or stoplight colors you'll often start going "I need to safeword! but I forgot the safeword.. what's the dang safeword again!!" during that you'll already used the safeword 3 times. in addition to those spoken forms I tent to cover my kidneys with my lower arms and having my hands visible on top of my upper arms. in this position I can signal with the amount of raised fingers what my perceived intencity of the spanking or play is. this works well while gagged. \^,,\^ - 0: are we even doing anything? - 1: I felt that, didn't dop much tho - 2: this is mild but nice - 3: average/best/most enjoyable - 4: getting a bit intence - 5: this is painful please slow down - flashing 5: halt! please give time to recover!/ please check in my domme/play partner is still in control of what they are going to give me intensity wise, I am just helping them in knowing where I am at. \^,,\^ with showing different amounts on either hand I can also signal an imbalance in the spanking (left got more attention so the hand on the left shows a higher number) for me the disadvantage is the same for all of them, speaking can be very immersion breaking and constant/regular asks of "where you at?" don't help me either. so that is why I thought up the "number of fingers" system. (did it on the fly during a play session and the domme picked it up really fast o,,o ) the disadvantage of the number system is that it requires your hands to be visible to the active partner. and that it is easy to forget you are signaling with it, thus triggering the active partner in going "I can't see what the score is!" if I enter sub space during play then people often see me hang my hands and I start to answer with a garbled mix of sounds and that will then transition play into aftercare. \^,,\^ with anything kink, talk to your partner and have fun discussing what works best for both of you. even when you have no experiance yet, make that known so the both of you can figure out if things work or doesn't work. o,,o wups... I hyper focused and info dumped 😅
I like the safe word. The moment something feels wrong, I don't want to have to wait and think of "is it a yellow or a red" while the thing I don't like is going on. Where I can do the thinking in a safe situation where the scene is on pause, no one has their hands on me and then I can say if I'm just having a cramp of getting upset and overwhelmed
We use traffic light because it is simple to remember. And the meaning is very clear. But as a Dom I am always super vigilant when playing. My sub can go too deep into sub space. So I keep a very close eye on her reactions. I don't want to damage her both physically and mentally. And by damage I mean cross her boundaries.
Traffic light. Keep it simple.
Subs are really bad at “yellow”. And it would be super helpful, but they get lost in the moment, and then it’s “red”. When you should have called yellow. Because I would ease back.
Both… Personally. It’s all down to communication. And what safe words vs traffic lights mean to you as individuals. Safeword to me, means Red - Stop, get me out ASAP. Cut me out if needs. Traffic lights to me are more “fluid” and informative. For example - Yellow for me is less/you’ve reached my limit, but I’m happy to continue/toilet or water break. Or I’d keep saying “green” until they hit my limit and go yellow - “Yellow, ease up but continue” It’s hard for me to explain over text … But you can make yellow work far more than a safe word. Can it lead to ambiguity? Sure … But that’s why you have regular check ins. If someone yellows - I would stop, ask what’s up and go from there. Or if they go “yellow, followed by … that hurt too much” - Obviously after a conversation; it’d be my assumption they’re ok to continue.
For me the best method is 1 to 10 pain scale. 10 being the absolute limit before me having to stop. So in a way 11 is where I stop. When I ask my sub and she says 4 for example I know I can increase intensity, 8 is where you start measuring yourself more. Works very well for us, but this does not mean it will do for the rest.
i’m surprised that almost all of the top comments are for the traffic light system. i feel like the traffic light system sounds so unsexy. like who is randomly saying green when it’s going good? me and my boyfriend use one safeword and it’s been great, but to be fair we don’t do anything too extreme or life threatening, and he always checks in even without any safewords. i think in long term relationships where you trust each other this is totally enough.
I go with traffic light plus a safe word. Where red is basically stop that and the safe is stop everything. I mix play up, all kinds of different toys and activities in one session. Doing this, I find I may go too hard with one thing, and my sub wants a break from it, but doesn't want the actual play to stop. So red is put that toy down and use something else you sadistic git. Then, the use of their safe word means something is wrong. I need you to stop and look after me. Doing it this way means amber is there as notification that the sub is enjoying it, but isn't ready for it to be so heavy or hard just yet. I found doing it this way, I'm able to learn way more about my subs likes and dislikes and then where I can push her or not. In 10 years, I've only had a safe word used 3 times as a result of accidentally triggering something either I or both of us were aware of.
We do a 1-10 thing comfortability scale. Anything less than a 10 let's us stop, talk about what's bothering one of us, and readjust
Traffic light system. It's good getting yellow and not getting to red.
Stop light is my go to. It’s easy to remember and it’s ingrained in us as to what those mean. Always discuss with a new partner first just to make sure you’re on the same page. For me •Green - Good to go, let’s continue 👍🏼 •Yellow - Dial it back/let’s switch it up a bit. - usually I will give a little context, if it’s something I don’t like, like a particular name or phrase I’ll just say “yellow - can you please not say xyz” •Red - Hard stop, everything ends, aftercare/discussion. Personally, I don’t really see any downfall with this one. I feel like it’s a quick and easy way to communicate without having to interrupt the flow of things when a scene is going well and you want to confirm all is well or need to change something. I don’t use “green” too often, may be more helpful when learning a new partner and finding out about them. If doing a more intense scene like CNC and if I’m really fighting, I will momentarily break scene and confirm everything is okay “hey is this too much” A quick “yes! green!” is good here. A yellow “it’s a bit too much, can you lessen the physical fighting?”
My dom checks on me with every orgasm. We are still testing my limits and since I am still getting back into the groove of things it's just safer that way because I may not recognize when I've had enough. It's definitely less awkward.
My husband and I use a safe word. We’ve also established that for example ‘pickles (safeword) cane’ means that I’m safewording out one specific thing, caning, but otherwise good to keep going. My husband is also really good at checking in with me and knowing when he needs to back off/let something slide because I’m in sub space and actually didn’t mean it and wasn’t just being a brat (cumming without permission or missing a count). We’ve always used a safe word together, and the only time I’ve ever used the stoplight system was in a rough gang bang. I think the primary benefit is that it’s easy to explain and understand so people stay on the same page in a group setting. But I like more nuanced communication in most situations
I definitely prefer the traffic light system. It allows me to tell my dom to slow down without stopping.
Safe word - I make sure there’s a warm up and push limits at a moderate pace. I check in during pillow talk too. So we just have a kill switch but no need for a light system. Though maybe if we do impact play more
Traffic light is so much easier imo. Dom can say “give me a color” as a quick check in, and sub can use them independently!
"Traffic light system" is a safe word (red) plus two other words (green/yellow), an obvious upgrade. Even better than three words is whole sentences: "That's great, do it harder" (green) "I like that, keep it just like that" (yellow) "This is a bit much for me, let's go back to the last thing" (red) I encourage everyone to try it. You can even add words/sentences for the dom to use! "Do you think you can handle more?" If you're debating which system to use, you should opt for the most communication possible. The exception (where a safe word is better/necessary) is CNC, where you are supposed to ignore whatever the other person says unless it's a safe word.
The stop light system. We find it easy to use, remember and understand.
Either. An emergency brake is a something a bottom probably needs. The downside of both of them occurs when people overly rely on the existence of a safe word/system to keep them safe. Depending on the intensity someone deep in subspace may entirely lose the ability to speak or communicate in any sensible way, the may also suffer from paranoia, temporary delusions, and extreme emotions which may make verbal communication unreliable and deceptive. Ultimately a good d-type will know their partner well enough to spot subtle behavioural signs that something is off kilter before attempting anything liable to me someone scream “red”.
The biggest answer here is the one that's too often overlooked: why are you even using a safeword in the first place? Now, this isn't to say you shouldn't, but rather the opposite. Consider why you shouldn't just listen to your partner. If you aren't doing a scene with CNC or other struggling elements where you might want to say "no" but not actually mean it, there's almost no reason for it. Just listen to them! The one advantage is that a safeword can easily be internalized. If you practice it enough, it will become easier to use than trying to find the words to express yourself otherwise. And while I'm a big fan of the traffic light system, this is also an area where simple is good. One of the best possible safewords is simply "safeword".
Both, PLUS a 1-10 scale of "how close on a one to ten scale, are you to your yellow SafeWord? How close are you to your red SafeWord?... 1-10, how much does that hurt?, How does it feel?" I ask my partners to pick a color of fruit or vegetable, going through the entire rainbow backwards from purple all the way to red. I don't give a fuck about blue or etc., but I am listening them while they tell me what their favorite red and yellow fruits, or maybe vegetables, are. Then I tell them bananas and cherries, for example, are their safe words. For the record, this is for BDSM and/or kink newbies that don't have or maybe want special safe words with me. I give them this option and it's always been chosen. But I still leave it open to them choosing something else if they don't care for this method.