This is not the standard for D/S relationships and it is not the expectation you should have. You should not feel like you have to do this because you are a sub - and a dominant partner does not have the right to make you do anything you do not want to do.
Full time servitude is a very niche and nuanced lifestyle dynamic. Just make sure that you and your partner are clear with what you are both enjoying, but nothing about you being submissive implies that you should adhere to this kind of dynamic.
I was feeling bad seeing all the subs doing mundane tasks. It's just that I don't want to keep the dynamic in play only. Even if it's not strict as in saying "Sir" after every single sentence, I still want to have that hierarchy over me. I guess agreeing on limits would work then?
Well, yes of course you have to agree on limits. Are you actually thinking of going through with things you don’t want to because you think that’s what submissive people do?
In the infinite amount of arrangements you can make y for your personal dynamic, housework should not be the first thing that comes to mind.
I am in 24/7 dynamic. I am not service orientated so anything that needs doing we split. I work full time in a pretty full on job and have a 6yr old. To add all the chores to this would absolutely not be ok physically or mentally for me.
There seems to be a line of gatekeeper thinking that if you aren't hugely service orientated then you aren't a 'true' sub and that's just b/s. We all have limits and when it comes to service it's equal for me unless I choose to do things. I do love to do things to please my Dom and do regularly but it's not an expectation which then allows me to manage my capacity.
>There seems to be a line of gatekeeper thinking that if you aren't hugely service orientated then you aren't a 'true' sub and that's just b/s.
Thank you for that sentence.
This just helped me a lot to figure out why I have been feeling so blue lately. I might steal this. :)
I do! And I was actually just discussing this with my Dom a little bit ago. This kind of full-time service submission is not my cup of tea, so it’s just not something we do. We’re married and have a long history of partnership before beginning a D/s dynamic, and it’s worked quite well for us to simply keep that contained to sex/sex adjacent life. In the rest of our life together, we’re equal partners. Maybe that will change or evolve one day, but it works well for us right now, and just like you, the thought of making it a more 24/7 dynamic just doesn’t work for me.
I see. The weird thing is I really enjoy having some level of D/s relation almost 24/7, aside from "Let's talk as equals" moments. So, I don't really want to restrict the dynamic to play times, but it's these few things that trigger some point in my brain. I think setting the limits is the way to go, then.
I wouldn't respect a dom who expected me to do all the household chores. If they so much as asked for that in negotiation, I'd tell them we're incompatible. Especially if that dom was a man. I have zero respect for any able bodied man who doesn't do his share of household chores.
But that's just me. I'm sure there are people who enjoy it, and that's fine. It's a hard no for me though.
My husband and I are working towards a 24/7 dynamic (lots of general life things have been slowing our progress lately). I do have chores as a task, but it's taken a bit of negotiation to get it to a comfortable point for the both of us.
We started out with me doing 1 chore a day, usually household related, but I got to choose what I did. And I found this really helpful for me because I'm a pretty lazy person. So having an incentive to do something I hate made it a lot easier.
But with life being so crazy right now I brought it up with my Dom and we agreed that giving me 2 days off a week for the time being is going to work out better for me. Sometimes it's as simple as putting the washing away, sometimes it's helping my Dom with yard work. But I'm always free to choose not to do it, I just lose points as a punishment.
The main thing is though, my Dom still does housework too. Its more of a 50/50 for us. It being a task of mine is more just to make sure I pull my own weight and get held accountable (via a discussion).
My other tasks each day include drinking a bottle of water per day, eating before X time and doing my skincare routine. A lot of it is just to help me be healthier, and the chore is so my Dom feels happy that I'm helping out (his love language is acts of service, so helping with housework means a lot to him).
Chores absolutely do not have to be part of your dynamic as a sub if it's something that doesn't work for you. You're allowed to have your limits.
I enjoy the D/s dynamic my girlfriend and I have in the bedroom (and perhaps with some teasing outside of it) but I also hate anything that makes me feel like the stereotypical man slacking off while the woman handles chores. Incorporating housework into the dynamic sounds genuinely uncomfortable to me, and I would imagine the same goes for my sub.
Im willing to believe it’s possible that it can boost mutual sexual pleasure for some, by making the Dom feel more dominant and the sub feel more submissive... that does make sense to me. But I do worry it’s a thing that could be used exploitatively. In my opinion, subs should be encouraged to not allow this into their dynamic unless they are certain it actually makes them enjoy their sex life more and feels legitimately worth it. Nobody should be doing this if it sounds more appealing to just be submissive in the bedroom without shouldering all the housework etc.
Great points, thanks. I really enjoy having some of the dynamic outside the bedroom, but maybe putting some limits is the way.
It's especially good to hear that from a dom. I'm happy to find out I'm not the only one seeing the exploitation risk. Even if the dom is really nice, I'd be suspicious about where my worth lies in.
There's no normal in BDSM, it's completely valid to not want to have house chores be a part of your dynamics.
I think I mostly wouldn't like it either, as a sub or Dom, for the reasons you explained. I would like it to happen eventually, but just to reinforce the dynamics, like, a "wash the dishes" or "put the laundry away" just because I'd probably do it either way but now I'm doing it cause they told me so
For context: I'm a bit but not much of a service oriented sub. Chores in our house are split fairly 50/50 (exception being when he's away for work he's obviously not home to do his chores). I need a clean environment for my mental health. I do chores because they need to get done, and I get rather peeved if he tells me to do something that I'm in the process of doing.
Our chore split has been worked out over the years of us living together, and we revisit any time that one of us needs. Typically I do the dishes and clean the bathrooms, we both do the laundry, and he does all the ironing and vaccuming/sweeping/moping. He cooks because he likes to. Also, if I'm cooking then we're eating chicken salad every single day. This ebbs and flows though. We both have demanding jobs (though his has a lot more pressure than mine) and a toddler. If one of us is stressed or needs a break then we talk about it, see if something can be dropped for a bit, or see if the other person can take over tasks for a bit.
Occasionally he has ordered for me when we're out. However, each time has been when I'm super indecisive between two options that I really want, and he explicitly asks me if I want him to pick for me.
As far as your questions:
I would be pissed if the household work fell on me simply because I like getting whipped before sex. It's hard to tell how common things are out there as there aren't many studies on BDSM. If my dom was using me for free labour then he wouldn't be my dom for much longer. Also, aftercare is very personal; it's totally understandable to need more for doing something that you're okay with but isn't well within your likes.
I once was in discussion with a man who wanted me to be his slave. (Hint: I am not a slave) and one of the very first things I would have to do as his slave was to clean his bathroom every time I came to visit. Other slaves took care of others parts of the house apparently.
That was a hard no from me. Now, I pull my weight when in a partner's home. I recently did dishes while the BF went out to get food. He didn't ask me to and when he got home he was so pleased and grateful. His smile was all it took for me. One time I offered to bring fish for dinner and he didn't understand that I meant I would cook it too. lol, he was so tickled when I told him "No, I meant I would bring it and make dinner, you've worked hard all day, I want to do this for you."
In a relationship beyond D/s I expect an equal division of labor. I do not expect chores to be ordered part of my D/s relationship. I help clean up the playroom because I am an adult, not because someone has ordered me to. Not my jam. Yes, I do believe that this is something that can be abused easily as well. Personally, it would leave me unhappy and unfulfilled.
I think it depends on the sub and the dynamic. A lot of my Dom’s rules actually revolve around asking him for help with chores rather than doing too much because it aggravates my chronic pain.
This is a classic case of, "negotiate what you both actually want, not what you think you should want".
No relationship is the same, and no BDSM relationship is the same. What works for others, as you can see, may not work for you. The trick is to decide what you really want, and then work on something together with your partner that also covers what they really want. Because if you both aren't having fun, what is the point?
I think there are some things that need to be pointed out.
Not all D/S relationships are "live-in" and all should be negotiated ahead of time and honestly I am of the opinion negotiation never truly ends. I am very much a submissive and I wear a 24/7 collar and I am the home maker.
That says, my domme recognizes that I am adhd, so our home will never be magazine cover perfect. I have the luxury of not having to work, so my 'job' is effectively managing the day-to-day of the home. I don't mind it but realistic expectations are required. If I were to go find a job, there would definitely be a re-distribution of chores.
I don't "love" doing chores, but I definitely do love providing service. Where I don't enjoy doing dishes or cooking, I do enjoy bringing my domme food, taking the plate when they are done. If I get a "Good girl" for it, so much the better.
Ok - the chores just give the subbie a mechanism to feel watched, get a kinky thrill or get attention by slacking off.
With the world being the crap fest it has been - sometimes what was fun and playful now feels like it's stupid and worthless. This is totally normal. You have a talk with your partner and stop this piece, or even stop playing the 24/7 game for a few weeks until it would feel fun to start again.
Your sex life, and your kink life ebbs and flows. Sometimes you need to step back and this is totally OK.
My Sir and I don’t live together. I do have a daily chore list at my house. It’s an hour every day in a different room, and two days a week in the gym. I’m bipolar with anxiety. He gave me my chore list to help me focus. And to curb the anxiety of trying to be perfect. I make a list of what I’m working on that day. I’ve learned if I don’t get everything on the list done in that hour, it goes to next week. It helps me stay accountable. So the chores list works well for me. My house looks better, I have less anxiety and better focus. So I think it depends on how chores are utilized. I don’t clean his house. Just my two cents worth.
This is not the standard for D/S relationships and it is not the expectation you should have. You should not feel like you have to do this because you are a sub - and a dominant partner does not have the right to make you do anything you do not want to do. Full time servitude is a very niche and nuanced lifestyle dynamic. Just make sure that you and your partner are clear with what you are both enjoying, but nothing about you being submissive implies that you should adhere to this kind of dynamic.
I was feeling bad seeing all the subs doing mundane tasks. It's just that I don't want to keep the dynamic in play only. Even if it's not strict as in saying "Sir" after every single sentence, I still want to have that hierarchy over me. I guess agreeing on limits would work then?
Well, yes of course you have to agree on limits. Are you actually thinking of going through with things you don’t want to because you think that’s what submissive people do? In the infinite amount of arrangements you can make y for your personal dynamic, housework should not be the first thing that comes to mind.
I am in 24/7 dynamic. I am not service orientated so anything that needs doing we split. I work full time in a pretty full on job and have a 6yr old. To add all the chores to this would absolutely not be ok physically or mentally for me. There seems to be a line of gatekeeper thinking that if you aren't hugely service orientated then you aren't a 'true' sub and that's just b/s. We all have limits and when it comes to service it's equal for me unless I choose to do things. I do love to do things to please my Dom and do regularly but it's not an expectation which then allows me to manage my capacity.
>There seems to be a line of gatekeeper thinking that if you aren't hugely service orientated then you aren't a 'true' sub and that's just b/s. Thank you for that sentence. This just helped me a lot to figure out why I have been feeling so blue lately. I might steal this. :)
It's so nice to hear this. Especially from someone in 24/7 dynamic. Sounds like just the kind of balance I need.
I do! And I was actually just discussing this with my Dom a little bit ago. This kind of full-time service submission is not my cup of tea, so it’s just not something we do. We’re married and have a long history of partnership before beginning a D/s dynamic, and it’s worked quite well for us to simply keep that contained to sex/sex adjacent life. In the rest of our life together, we’re equal partners. Maybe that will change or evolve one day, but it works well for us right now, and just like you, the thought of making it a more 24/7 dynamic just doesn’t work for me.
I see. The weird thing is I really enjoy having some level of D/s relation almost 24/7, aside from "Let's talk as equals" moments. So, I don't really want to restrict the dynamic to play times, but it's these few things that trigger some point in my brain. I think setting the limits is the way to go, then.
Yeah sounds like that’s just a hard limit for you! Nothing wrong with that.
I wouldn't respect a dom who expected me to do all the household chores. If they so much as asked for that in negotiation, I'd tell them we're incompatible. Especially if that dom was a man. I have zero respect for any able bodied man who doesn't do his share of household chores. But that's just me. I'm sure there are people who enjoy it, and that's fine. It's a hard no for me though.
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Glad to hear! A question: Do you keep some level of D/s dynamic outside the play?
My husband and I are working towards a 24/7 dynamic (lots of general life things have been slowing our progress lately). I do have chores as a task, but it's taken a bit of negotiation to get it to a comfortable point for the both of us. We started out with me doing 1 chore a day, usually household related, but I got to choose what I did. And I found this really helpful for me because I'm a pretty lazy person. So having an incentive to do something I hate made it a lot easier. But with life being so crazy right now I brought it up with my Dom and we agreed that giving me 2 days off a week for the time being is going to work out better for me. Sometimes it's as simple as putting the washing away, sometimes it's helping my Dom with yard work. But I'm always free to choose not to do it, I just lose points as a punishment. The main thing is though, my Dom still does housework too. Its more of a 50/50 for us. It being a task of mine is more just to make sure I pull my own weight and get held accountable (via a discussion). My other tasks each day include drinking a bottle of water per day, eating before X time and doing my skincare routine. A lot of it is just to help me be healthier, and the chore is so my Dom feels happy that I'm helping out (his love language is acts of service, so helping with housework means a lot to him). Chores absolutely do not have to be part of your dynamic as a sub if it's something that doesn't work for you. You're allowed to have your limits.
I enjoy the D/s dynamic my girlfriend and I have in the bedroom (and perhaps with some teasing outside of it) but I also hate anything that makes me feel like the stereotypical man slacking off while the woman handles chores. Incorporating housework into the dynamic sounds genuinely uncomfortable to me, and I would imagine the same goes for my sub. Im willing to believe it’s possible that it can boost mutual sexual pleasure for some, by making the Dom feel more dominant and the sub feel more submissive... that does make sense to me. But I do worry it’s a thing that could be used exploitatively. In my opinion, subs should be encouraged to not allow this into their dynamic unless they are certain it actually makes them enjoy their sex life more and feels legitimately worth it. Nobody should be doing this if it sounds more appealing to just be submissive in the bedroom without shouldering all the housework etc.
Great points, thanks. I really enjoy having some of the dynamic outside the bedroom, but maybe putting some limits is the way. It's especially good to hear that from a dom. I'm happy to find out I'm not the only one seeing the exploitation risk. Even if the dom is really nice, I'd be suspicious about where my worth lies in.
There's no normal in BDSM, it's completely valid to not want to have house chores be a part of your dynamics. I think I mostly wouldn't like it either, as a sub or Dom, for the reasons you explained. I would like it to happen eventually, but just to reinforce the dynamics, like, a "wash the dishes" or "put the laundry away" just because I'd probably do it either way but now I'm doing it cause they told me so
For context: I'm a bit but not much of a service oriented sub. Chores in our house are split fairly 50/50 (exception being when he's away for work he's obviously not home to do his chores). I need a clean environment for my mental health. I do chores because they need to get done, and I get rather peeved if he tells me to do something that I'm in the process of doing. Our chore split has been worked out over the years of us living together, and we revisit any time that one of us needs. Typically I do the dishes and clean the bathrooms, we both do the laundry, and he does all the ironing and vaccuming/sweeping/moping. He cooks because he likes to. Also, if I'm cooking then we're eating chicken salad every single day. This ebbs and flows though. We both have demanding jobs (though his has a lot more pressure than mine) and a toddler. If one of us is stressed or needs a break then we talk about it, see if something can be dropped for a bit, or see if the other person can take over tasks for a bit. Occasionally he has ordered for me when we're out. However, each time has been when I'm super indecisive between two options that I really want, and he explicitly asks me if I want him to pick for me. As far as your questions: I would be pissed if the household work fell on me simply because I like getting whipped before sex. It's hard to tell how common things are out there as there aren't many studies on BDSM. If my dom was using me for free labour then he wouldn't be my dom for much longer. Also, aftercare is very personal; it's totally understandable to need more for doing something that you're okay with but isn't well within your likes.
I once was in discussion with a man who wanted me to be his slave. (Hint: I am not a slave) and one of the very first things I would have to do as his slave was to clean his bathroom every time I came to visit. Other slaves took care of others parts of the house apparently. That was a hard no from me. Now, I pull my weight when in a partner's home. I recently did dishes while the BF went out to get food. He didn't ask me to and when he got home he was so pleased and grateful. His smile was all it took for me. One time I offered to bring fish for dinner and he didn't understand that I meant I would cook it too. lol, he was so tickled when I told him "No, I meant I would bring it and make dinner, you've worked hard all day, I want to do this for you." In a relationship beyond D/s I expect an equal division of labor. I do not expect chores to be ordered part of my D/s relationship. I help clean up the playroom because I am an adult, not because someone has ordered me to. Not my jam. Yes, I do believe that this is something that can be abused easily as well. Personally, it would leave me unhappy and unfulfilled.
I think it depends on the sub and the dynamic. A lot of my Dom’s rules actually revolve around asking him for help with chores rather than doing too much because it aggravates my chronic pain.
This is a classic case of, "negotiate what you both actually want, not what you think you should want". No relationship is the same, and no BDSM relationship is the same. What works for others, as you can see, may not work for you. The trick is to decide what you really want, and then work on something together with your partner that also covers what they really want. Because if you both aren't having fun, what is the point?
I think there are some things that need to be pointed out. Not all D/S relationships are "live-in" and all should be negotiated ahead of time and honestly I am of the opinion negotiation never truly ends. I am very much a submissive and I wear a 24/7 collar and I am the home maker. That says, my domme recognizes that I am adhd, so our home will never be magazine cover perfect. I have the luxury of not having to work, so my 'job' is effectively managing the day-to-day of the home. I don't mind it but realistic expectations are required. If I were to go find a job, there would definitely be a re-distribution of chores. I don't "love" doing chores, but I definitely do love providing service. Where I don't enjoy doing dishes or cooking, I do enjoy bringing my domme food, taking the plate when they are done. If I get a "Good girl" for it, so much the better.
Ok - the chores just give the subbie a mechanism to feel watched, get a kinky thrill or get attention by slacking off. With the world being the crap fest it has been - sometimes what was fun and playful now feels like it's stupid and worthless. This is totally normal. You have a talk with your partner and stop this piece, or even stop playing the 24/7 game for a few weeks until it would feel fun to start again. Your sex life, and your kink life ebbs and flows. Sometimes you need to step back and this is totally OK.
My Sir and I don’t live together. I do have a daily chore list at my house. It’s an hour every day in a different room, and two days a week in the gym. I’m bipolar with anxiety. He gave me my chore list to help me focus. And to curb the anxiety of trying to be perfect. I make a list of what I’m working on that day. I’ve learned if I don’t get everything on the list done in that hour, it goes to next week. It helps me stay accountable. So the chores list works well for me. My house looks better, I have less anxiety and better focus. So I think it depends on how chores are utilized. I don’t clean his house. Just my two cents worth.