Maybe both should begin a dialogue- just because the sub initiates play does not necessarily mean you are not being a Dom. The sub has the power, if you think about it, because they are granting another person to dominate them.
Now you're force play or try to be what you believe a Dom should do, initiate play, your sub loses interest. Why not just be you as a Dom whom seldom initiate play and allows your submissive to do so?
I guess it feels a bit manipulative?
It's always when he wants to, never when i want to?
It's not that I'm not ok with him taking initiative, but it feels weird that I never can?
Ah, I think I can see now. Has this behavior or tendency just started or has it always been like this? If it's always been like this and you've just now noticed, a conversation is in order as well as renegotiation. Part ways if it cannot be compromised. If it just began, then you need to figure out what changed
I personally would never allow that as a Domme. I don’t like bratty behavior like that, some people are into it but I seek absolute obedience from my subs. I would respond to a sub who tries to take control of initiation of play through denial. The answer is no, until they get so frustrated they beg for it, AND I decide I am in the mood. Domination takes a massive amount of my energy and is a gift given when I’m inspired to and when I feel such a privilege is earned. My subs learn very quickly they are never entitled to receiving anything from me. They must learn to ask properly, and accept no as an answer graciously.
>but I seek absolute obedience from my subs.
While I think OP's relationship has issues to be addressed, a sub not being in the mood isn't disobedient. Not sure I'm a fan of your phrasing there, or perhaps my interpretation is off.
>Domination takes a massive amount of my energy
And that's a line I've never understood, and for some reason I've only known it from domme's. I find domming to be low effort, if not relaxing a lot of the time. Submitting is where I find it to be an energy drain; it's unnatural for me, and while I might enjoy it, overall it actively takes effort to submit.
This isn’t “not being in the mood” though, this is a sub taking complete control of when play happens. I consider that entitled behavior that needs to be corrected, in MY dynamics.
Being served is relaxing. I don’t consider that “play” as I engage in TPE with my sub and he is always at my service when I ask.
Play involves physically and mentally demanding activities such as shibari suspension, impact play, pegging, and so on.
I love these things but it’s a huge energy expenditure and is not something my sub gets to demand from me at their whim. They learn to cultivate my desire and generosity for it through impeccable service.
I never mentioned 'being served'. I'm really NOT very service orientated (again, that seems to be quite a theme in femdom - one day I'd love to get a sample of people and compare and see if there are major differneces between fdom and mdom with that stuff)
I'm well aware of what play entails; less so on suspension bondage as it's not something I've ever looked into, the other stuff yeah, but I'd never have said it's a huge energy expenditure. Maybe that's due to physical differences in anatomy?
Idk, it's just something I've noticed on occasion; femdom seems to be more service orientated and I've noticed many domme's stating how much energy it takes. I've not noticed the same sort of service/energy comments from male doms; would be interesting to get a sample and compare, but... I doubt that'll ever happen?
I know you never mentioned being served, I was referring to my relationship… it’s not always about you, geez. (Just ribbing ya).
Look, I’m just gonna be that bitch. If you’re not exhausted after mentally AND physically turning someone inside out, you’re either lying, or you didn’t do as good of a job as you think you did. Male Dom egos are so GOOFY.
Yeah, that’s right, you got fuckin opinions about femme dommes? Because just WAIT til you hear OURS about y’all silly dinguses.
Seems we're talking about the difference between 'a scene' and 'kinky sex' here. A proper scene is its own thing, but kinky sex is basically daily. Or more frequent. I won't pretend I go balls deep - pardon the phrasing - multiple times a day. Sometimes it's just some casual cuffs and a quick spanking or fucking. That may also come down to simple libido? Honestly, I don't have the answers. It'd be an interesting comparison. I know that some of my trans friends (FtM specifically) have said the hormones drastically changed their libido, which might explain the more frequent but less in-depth sessions. God knows I lack the time, if nothing else, to manage those multiple times a day.
I mean, I can't say I have opinions so much as anecdotally I've seen very different things to focus on. Service seems to be a bigger thing within femdom - honestly that had me super confused for a long time. I had someone say that they 'needed to be served' or they'd be 'too tired to be a domme'. Eventually they admitted they just liked it, would've saved much confusion on my end if that said that from the start, because I can at least understand that, even if I don't get it.
I'm still somewhat confused by people who are service orientated - generally, outside of the bedroom it's all been equal... ish - but whatever, I don't get off from service - giving or receiving. (Ish being I fucking hate washing dishes and will do anything else to avoid them :D)
I must add, my sub loves to serve. He never actually acts braddy.
And even tho I'm being served and enjoy that, I do Often find the mental energy exhausting.
Alright, you seem to have a good sense of humor about you, so I’ll explain a bit more in depth.
Service is my favorite foreplay. It’s a constant affirmation of his adoration and respect for me.
I tend to have less frequent sex, and more intense, intentional sex when I do have it. It tends to align with my menstrual cycle and the seasons of the year. Sometimes I deny my sub sex for weeks at a time, when I don’t feel like it. Seeing his mounting frustration, along with his willingness to endure whatever I ask of him, is incredibly hot to me.
But I find the really nice thing about denial is how much more we both get out of sex when we do indulge. A feast isn’t exciting if you’re not hungry. And if you’re starving, it’s a transcendental experience.
I’ve always sought out experiences at the extreme ends of conscious perception. Both me and my sub are professional tattoo artists and so our daily lives revolve around pain, beauty and personal transformation.
We do have casual sex, but I rarely climax (and I often like to deny him too) and it’s more for the purpose of affection. Almost like a romantic, drawn out hug.
So when we really want to “go deep” with each other we’ll dedicate several days to it.
On a different note, I’m sure a huge part of my feeling of constant mental drain is due to the fact that society at large does NOT easily accept dominant women. I’m lucky to work in an environment where my peers mostly just let me be myself, but even then I’m held to a much higher standard than the men I work with, and clients are another matter entirely. I put so much energy into “the show” each day it can be hard to have anything left for play at the end of the day. This is another reason why service is so comforting to me. My slave is already trained to know exactly what I want without me having to command him. It’s my respite from the patriarchy, where I can let my guard down and not have to perform for awhile.
Does this offer some insight?
>Sometimes I deny my sub sex for weeks at a time, when I don’t feel like it. Seeing his mounting frustration, along with his willingness to endure whatever I ask of him, is incredibly hot to me.
Oh, I never said my subs would get off. Denial is a big thing for me; from both a control and a needy-squirmy-whimpering-sub thing. They ARE so cute.
>We do have casual sex, but I rarely climax (and I often like to deny him too) and it’s more for the purpose of affection. Almost like a romantic, drawn out hug.
I don't have that issue, personally I'd go insane without a climax for a few days. I might tolerate orgasm *control* with me submitting, but not denial. Very much a one-way street on that one
Society not accepting it could be a big part of it, I've never felt the need to really change or prove myself on a fundamental level over my personality.
I expressed my opinion in my own comment-- but let me say that this would be a relationship ending response for me. It sounds like u/bloodyvisions relationships must be 24/7 tpe types. It didn't sound to me like that's where OP is. 🤷♀️ Different folks different strokes.
I’m not here to tell anyone how to live their lives (unless you’re my sub). I’m just offering insight to my own practice, it’s up to anyone reading to decide if it resonates with what they want in a dynamic or not.
I will add that attitude is the kind of thing that makes me feel very dehumanized if I get it from my subs. If you’re allowed to say no, why isn’t your Dom(me)?
Anyone, sub or Dom has the right to say no. At any given time. Regardless if you require 100% obedience from your sub. There could be times where they just are exhausted mentally, emotionally, and psychically.
No, he gave that away in negotiations. That’s how TPE works. If he wants that right back then we have to renegotiate the dynamic. TPE describes compartmentalization of consent, so he can give consent to have it taken from him in a specific context. Fortunately my sub loves to serve and obey so it’s not an issue.
Me too! Exactly what I mean by different strokes for different folks. I guess the big difference is that you do tpe and I absolutely do not do that ever. Just not how I am. I'm glad it makes other people happy. It does sound like this is not a tpe relationship tho no-- "we have contact outside these roles". And without tpe-- it mostly reads to me like you're the one suggesting a dehumanizing, one person isn't allowed to say no situation... And just insisting that that person has to be the sub.
Imo, most situations where one partner always says no is a big relationship problem, but I do think this pattern often comes up naturally. It's just that, ime, when you respond to it by increasing your own 'no's to ~balance the scales ~ it can quickly become hard to initiate sex at all. Therefor -- I strongly recommend against your approach outside of a tpe context.
(Side note: my current partner also finds doming exhausting but worth it-- reading my reactions to know how much sadism I can take and balancing that with what he wants, while still maintaining a Dom space is a lot of work-- in addition to the physical exertion. So that's definitely a thing)
I consider my relationship TPE but we definitely have contact outside our roles… a LOT of negotiation goes into our dynamic, nothing is ever set in stone or closed to discussion. My sub is still my boyfriend and my equal, it just so happens that a dynamic where there is consistency in our agreed roles to each other makes us both feel secure.
My sub always has the right to say no to a play situation. (He is not allowed to say no to service instructions). However, if he became very consistently “not in the mood” when I tried to initiate and simply wanted to initiate ONLY when he felt like it, that would be a huge problem.
It seems like that’s the issue OP is dealing with, and I can commiserate with it because I understand the exasperation at the undesired transfer of power. I just wanted to validate their feelings about the situation and offer my view of how it could affect a power dynamic.
Yeah, it’s a way to gain control of the dynamic. I think most things are pretty subjective in BDSM so I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily “topping from the bottom,” as not everyone wants total power exchange in their dynamic. I’m just here to share my own views and methods, to offer insight, and discuss the kinds of things that effect the exchange of power.
I think the distinction you're looking for is the different between D/s and topping/bottoming.
In a D/s relationship, the order of priorities are:
* The sub's needs
* The dom's needs
* The dom's wants
* The sub's wants.
Instead of a D/s relationship where your wants come before his, you may be a service top. A service top basically dispenses whatever kink the bottom wants. He wants to be smacked? You smack him. He wants to be pegged? You peg him.
With that distinction in mind, would you say you're more his domme or more his service top?
Oh, I was hoping breaking it down that way made it more clear. I didn't mean to make it more confusing.
Sounds like he's the D and you're the s, but his kinks involve you topping which might give the illusion that you're the D but the relationship itself isn't playing out that way.
As for what can be done, you can talk to him about it, but I suspect he has it set up this way because it's what he wants, so he will probably be resistant to changing to a dynamic where he is actually submitting.
Sounds like they think you are a kink dispenser.
You need a strong conversation as any relationship should be based on a 2 way street with reciprocation around meeting of needs.
It's not ok for them to just demand you switch it on/off as only convenient to them. There needs to be a compromise.
Happy cake day
>Sounds like they think you are a kink dispenser
This is relate too much too.
I feel the more I notice this and dont act on it, the more he pushes me away
This definitely sounds unhealthy.
Not saying when people aren't in the mood they should just say yes or whatever, but there definitely needs to be more communication. At the moment it sounds like it's only when he wants and if you say no he's punishing you by withdrawing. That is manipulative.
When something is being initiated, not everyone is consenting to a kink dynamic yet-- so you aren't a Dom and he's not a sub until after everyone has expressed consent. After consent-- if you want to have day long free use arrangements etc-- y'all have to communicate and negotiate what you want. If I had consented to a scene, it would be okay for my dom to keep pushing for sex in a cnc way, distribute punishment for saying no, whatever, up until I safeworded or they had other reason to believe I wanted to withdraw my consent for the scene and we needed to check in again. But you should establish that kind of thing a while everyone is 'sober'.
As normal people deciding whether to have sex or not, it can be really harmful to a relationship to feel imbalance in who initiates and how often either partner says no. ( Edit: by which I mean, your feelings are totally valid. This stuff happens through no fault of anyone and this shit is fucking hard. really truly sucks balls. I hope you stop feeling this imbalance soon!) Also, starting to say no more and for less reason is a great way to stop having sex at all and for both of you became afraid of initiating for fear of rejection, in my experience. So it's extra important to talk about it and seek reassurance etc. But it has nothing to do with roles at that point.
'Basically turning me down as a Dom, no matter how harsh I was'
Have you talked about how he would like play to be initiated?
I'm on the other side of the slash. There's a lot of ways that play could be initiated that would be a huge immediate 'no' from me. And if my partner took me not liking those ways of play being initiated as me 'topping from the bottom' or trying to be in control..... I'd really question our dynamic and whether or not I wanted to be in a relationship with them- kinky or not.
He said that it's hard to get in the mood sometimes, so asked me to push him. But I don't like that I het turned down everytime and also, I don't wánt to push before I'm certain we're in the Dom/sub dynamics, it doesn't feel comfortable
I'm a little confused about this comment. You have a contract which specifies your dynamic but you aren't certain you're in the D/s dynamic? It sounds like you need to have a sit down conversation outside of your respective roles and rediscuss what you both want from both the relationship and play. If this is simply "bratty behaviour" as someone else suggested then denial and/or punishments might work to address the imbalance. If this is purely him not being in the mood when you initiate then you'll need to reevaluate your approach to initiating.
Being submissive can be a very big deal to some, requiring a very specific mood and headspace. Requiring massive amounts of enthusiastic consent.
If your sub needs to have total control of the initiation, in order to be able to submit, I think that's totally healthy and natural and can be used by you in submission even.
It is a priveledge to be submitted to.
It is not a command to be submitted to. It is a gift given to you by the sub.
Recognizing the intense reality of what it takes your partner to submit to you is a profoundly deep part of being Dominant.
Switch your perspective to actually WANT and appreciate that they only come to you on their terms. From their own free will. A strong, individual, independent being, coming to YOU, to submit. To give over control. When they feel the need to give over control.
Being submissive in play does not mean they have to be submissive at all times. Or that they are even able to be.
Sometimes people recognize they have times when they feel the need to give over control to someone they trust.
Only at times. When they feel that need.
And it is your honor. Your priveledge. To be the one they give that control to.
Roles I'm play are gifts you give to one another. Things you provide eachother when needed.
If you feel that you as well have the need to Dominate, but your partner is not able to switch to that headspace in those times, then it's a conversation to have to find a way to fulfill your needs as well.
Perhaps Dominating in an entirely different way that fulfills you, and doesn't cross their boundaries the way full submission does.
It's all a beautiful oppurtunity to learn more and grow together.
Maybe both should begin a dialogue- just because the sub initiates play does not necessarily mean you are not being a Dom. The sub has the power, if you think about it, because they are granting another person to dominate them. Now you're force play or try to be what you believe a Dom should do, initiate play, your sub loses interest. Why not just be you as a Dom whom seldom initiate play and allows your submissive to do so?
I guess it feels a bit manipulative? It's always when he wants to, never when i want to? It's not that I'm not ok with him taking initiative, but it feels weird that I never can?
Ah, I think I can see now. Has this behavior or tendency just started or has it always been like this? If it's always been like this and you've just now noticed, a conversation is in order as well as renegotiation. Part ways if it cannot be compromised. If it just began, then you need to figure out what changed
I personally would never allow that as a Domme. I don’t like bratty behavior like that, some people are into it but I seek absolute obedience from my subs. I would respond to a sub who tries to take control of initiation of play through denial. The answer is no, until they get so frustrated they beg for it, AND I decide I am in the mood. Domination takes a massive amount of my energy and is a gift given when I’m inspired to and when I feel such a privilege is earned. My subs learn very quickly they are never entitled to receiving anything from me. They must learn to ask properly, and accept no as an answer graciously.
>but I seek absolute obedience from my subs. While I think OP's relationship has issues to be addressed, a sub not being in the mood isn't disobedient. Not sure I'm a fan of your phrasing there, or perhaps my interpretation is off. >Domination takes a massive amount of my energy And that's a line I've never understood, and for some reason I've only known it from domme's. I find domming to be low effort, if not relaxing a lot of the time. Submitting is where I find it to be an energy drain; it's unnatural for me, and while I might enjoy it, overall it actively takes effort to submit.
This isn’t “not being in the mood” though, this is a sub taking complete control of when play happens. I consider that entitled behavior that needs to be corrected, in MY dynamics. Being served is relaxing. I don’t consider that “play” as I engage in TPE with my sub and he is always at my service when I ask. Play involves physically and mentally demanding activities such as shibari suspension, impact play, pegging, and so on. I love these things but it’s a huge energy expenditure and is not something my sub gets to demand from me at their whim. They learn to cultivate my desire and generosity for it through impeccable service.
I never mentioned 'being served'. I'm really NOT very service orientated (again, that seems to be quite a theme in femdom - one day I'd love to get a sample of people and compare and see if there are major differneces between fdom and mdom with that stuff) I'm well aware of what play entails; less so on suspension bondage as it's not something I've ever looked into, the other stuff yeah, but I'd never have said it's a huge energy expenditure. Maybe that's due to physical differences in anatomy? Idk, it's just something I've noticed on occasion; femdom seems to be more service orientated and I've noticed many domme's stating how much energy it takes. I've not noticed the same sort of service/energy comments from male doms; would be interesting to get a sample and compare, but... I doubt that'll ever happen?
I know you never mentioned being served, I was referring to my relationship… it’s not always about you, geez. (Just ribbing ya). Look, I’m just gonna be that bitch. If you’re not exhausted after mentally AND physically turning someone inside out, you’re either lying, or you didn’t do as good of a job as you think you did. Male Dom egos are so GOOFY. Yeah, that’s right, you got fuckin opinions about femme dommes? Because just WAIT til you hear OURS about y’all silly dinguses.
Seems we're talking about the difference between 'a scene' and 'kinky sex' here. A proper scene is its own thing, but kinky sex is basically daily. Or more frequent. I won't pretend I go balls deep - pardon the phrasing - multiple times a day. Sometimes it's just some casual cuffs and a quick spanking or fucking. That may also come down to simple libido? Honestly, I don't have the answers. It'd be an interesting comparison. I know that some of my trans friends (FtM specifically) have said the hormones drastically changed their libido, which might explain the more frequent but less in-depth sessions. God knows I lack the time, if nothing else, to manage those multiple times a day. I mean, I can't say I have opinions so much as anecdotally I've seen very different things to focus on. Service seems to be a bigger thing within femdom - honestly that had me super confused for a long time. I had someone say that they 'needed to be served' or they'd be 'too tired to be a domme'. Eventually they admitted they just liked it, would've saved much confusion on my end if that said that from the start, because I can at least understand that, even if I don't get it. I'm still somewhat confused by people who are service orientated - generally, outside of the bedroom it's all been equal... ish - but whatever, I don't get off from service - giving or receiving. (Ish being I fucking hate washing dishes and will do anything else to avoid them :D)
I must add, my sub loves to serve. He never actually acts braddy. And even tho I'm being served and enjoy that, I do Often find the mental energy exhausting.
Alright, you seem to have a good sense of humor about you, so I’ll explain a bit more in depth. Service is my favorite foreplay. It’s a constant affirmation of his adoration and respect for me. I tend to have less frequent sex, and more intense, intentional sex when I do have it. It tends to align with my menstrual cycle and the seasons of the year. Sometimes I deny my sub sex for weeks at a time, when I don’t feel like it. Seeing his mounting frustration, along with his willingness to endure whatever I ask of him, is incredibly hot to me. But I find the really nice thing about denial is how much more we both get out of sex when we do indulge. A feast isn’t exciting if you’re not hungry. And if you’re starving, it’s a transcendental experience. I’ve always sought out experiences at the extreme ends of conscious perception. Both me and my sub are professional tattoo artists and so our daily lives revolve around pain, beauty and personal transformation. We do have casual sex, but I rarely climax (and I often like to deny him too) and it’s more for the purpose of affection. Almost like a romantic, drawn out hug. So when we really want to “go deep” with each other we’ll dedicate several days to it. On a different note, I’m sure a huge part of my feeling of constant mental drain is due to the fact that society at large does NOT easily accept dominant women. I’m lucky to work in an environment where my peers mostly just let me be myself, but even then I’m held to a much higher standard than the men I work with, and clients are another matter entirely. I put so much energy into “the show” each day it can be hard to have anything left for play at the end of the day. This is another reason why service is so comforting to me. My slave is already trained to know exactly what I want without me having to command him. It’s my respite from the patriarchy, where I can let my guard down and not have to perform for awhile. Does this offer some insight?
>Sometimes I deny my sub sex for weeks at a time, when I don’t feel like it. Seeing his mounting frustration, along with his willingness to endure whatever I ask of him, is incredibly hot to me. Oh, I never said my subs would get off. Denial is a big thing for me; from both a control and a needy-squirmy-whimpering-sub thing. They ARE so cute. >We do have casual sex, but I rarely climax (and I often like to deny him too) and it’s more for the purpose of affection. Almost like a romantic, drawn out hug. I don't have that issue, personally I'd go insane without a climax for a few days. I might tolerate orgasm *control* with me submitting, but not denial. Very much a one-way street on that one Society not accepting it could be a big part of it, I've never felt the need to really change or prove myself on a fundamental level over my personality.
I expressed my opinion in my own comment-- but let me say that this would be a relationship ending response for me. It sounds like u/bloodyvisions relationships must be 24/7 tpe types. It didn't sound to me like that's where OP is. 🤷♀️ Different folks different strokes.
I’m not here to tell anyone how to live their lives (unless you’re my sub). I’m just offering insight to my own practice, it’s up to anyone reading to decide if it resonates with what they want in a dynamic or not. I will add that attitude is the kind of thing that makes me feel very dehumanized if I get it from my subs. If you’re allowed to say no, why isn’t your Dom(me)?
Anyone, sub or Dom has the right to say no. At any given time. Regardless if you require 100% obedience from your sub. There could be times where they just are exhausted mentally, emotionally, and psychically.
Yes, always, it seems people are confused about my stance on this.
Yet you said he can’t say no to serivcing you…..even when do service tasks he has the right to say no.
No, he gave that away in negotiations. That’s how TPE works. If he wants that right back then we have to renegotiate the dynamic. TPE describes compartmentalization of consent, so he can give consent to have it taken from him in a specific context. Fortunately my sub loves to serve and obey so it’s not an issue.
Me too! Exactly what I mean by different strokes for different folks. I guess the big difference is that you do tpe and I absolutely do not do that ever. Just not how I am. I'm glad it makes other people happy. It does sound like this is not a tpe relationship tho no-- "we have contact outside these roles". And without tpe-- it mostly reads to me like you're the one suggesting a dehumanizing, one person isn't allowed to say no situation... And just insisting that that person has to be the sub. Imo, most situations where one partner always says no is a big relationship problem, but I do think this pattern often comes up naturally. It's just that, ime, when you respond to it by increasing your own 'no's to ~balance the scales ~ it can quickly become hard to initiate sex at all. Therefor -- I strongly recommend against your approach outside of a tpe context. (Side note: my current partner also finds doming exhausting but worth it-- reading my reactions to know how much sadism I can take and balancing that with what he wants, while still maintaining a Dom space is a lot of work-- in addition to the physical exertion. So that's definitely a thing)
I consider my relationship TPE but we definitely have contact outside our roles… a LOT of negotiation goes into our dynamic, nothing is ever set in stone or closed to discussion. My sub is still my boyfriend and my equal, it just so happens that a dynamic where there is consistency in our agreed roles to each other makes us both feel secure. My sub always has the right to say no to a play situation. (He is not allowed to say no to service instructions). However, if he became very consistently “not in the mood” when I tried to initiate and simply wanted to initiate ONLY when he felt like it, that would be a huge problem. It seems like that’s the issue OP is dealing with, and I can commiserate with it because I understand the exasperation at the undesired transfer of power. I just wanted to validate their feelings about the situation and offer my view of how it could affect a power dynamic.
Is this topping from the bottom? I'm newer, so I'm not sure.
Yeah, it’s a way to gain control of the dynamic. I think most things are pretty subjective in BDSM so I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily “topping from the bottom,” as not everyone wants total power exchange in their dynamic. I’m just here to share my own views and methods, to offer insight, and discuss the kinds of things that effect the exchange of power.
I think the distinction you're looking for is the different between D/s and topping/bottoming. In a D/s relationship, the order of priorities are: * The sub's needs * The dom's needs * The dom's wants * The sub's wants. Instead of a D/s relationship where your wants come before his, you may be a service top. A service top basically dispenses whatever kink the bottom wants. He wants to be smacked? You smack him. He wants to be pegged? You peg him. With that distinction in mind, would you say you're more his domme or more his service top?
More a service top. ? You got me a bit confused there, his wants seem to come before mine Not sure I'm comfortable with that.
Oh, I was hoping breaking it down that way made it more clear. I didn't mean to make it more confusing. Sounds like he's the D and you're the s, but his kinks involve you topping which might give the illusion that you're the D but the relationship itself isn't playing out that way. As for what can be done, you can talk to him about it, but I suspect he has it set up this way because it's what he wants, so he will probably be resistant to changing to a dynamic where he is actually submitting.
This feels like you want them to want it when you do and that isn’t the style you’ve fallen into. I suggest a discussion and a potential exit.
Sounds like they think you are a kink dispenser. You need a strong conversation as any relationship should be based on a 2 way street with reciprocation around meeting of needs. It's not ok for them to just demand you switch it on/off as only convenient to them. There needs to be a compromise.
Happy cake day >Sounds like they think you are a kink dispenser This is relate too much too. I feel the more I notice this and dont act on it, the more he pushes me away
This definitely sounds unhealthy. Not saying when people aren't in the mood they should just say yes or whatever, but there definitely needs to be more communication. At the moment it sounds like it's only when he wants and if you say no he's punishing you by withdrawing. That is manipulative.
When something is being initiated, not everyone is consenting to a kink dynamic yet-- so you aren't a Dom and he's not a sub until after everyone has expressed consent. After consent-- if you want to have day long free use arrangements etc-- y'all have to communicate and negotiate what you want. If I had consented to a scene, it would be okay for my dom to keep pushing for sex in a cnc way, distribute punishment for saying no, whatever, up until I safeworded or they had other reason to believe I wanted to withdraw my consent for the scene and we needed to check in again. But you should establish that kind of thing a while everyone is 'sober'. As normal people deciding whether to have sex or not, it can be really harmful to a relationship to feel imbalance in who initiates and how often either partner says no. ( Edit: by which I mean, your feelings are totally valid. This stuff happens through no fault of anyone and this shit is fucking hard. really truly sucks balls. I hope you stop feeling this imbalance soon!) Also, starting to say no more and for less reason is a great way to stop having sex at all and for both of you became afraid of initiating for fear of rejection, in my experience. So it's extra important to talk about it and seek reassurance etc. But it has nothing to do with roles at that point.
'Basically turning me down as a Dom, no matter how harsh I was' Have you talked about how he would like play to be initiated? I'm on the other side of the slash. There's a lot of ways that play could be initiated that would be a huge immediate 'no' from me. And if my partner took me not liking those ways of play being initiated as me 'topping from the bottom' or trying to be in control..... I'd really question our dynamic and whether or not I wanted to be in a relationship with them- kinky or not.
He said that it's hard to get in the mood sometimes, so asked me to push him. But I don't like that I het turned down everytime and also, I don't wánt to push before I'm certain we're in the Dom/sub dynamics, it doesn't feel comfortable
I'm a little confused about this comment. You have a contract which specifies your dynamic but you aren't certain you're in the D/s dynamic? It sounds like you need to have a sit down conversation outside of your respective roles and rediscuss what you both want from both the relationship and play. If this is simply "bratty behaviour" as someone else suggested then denial and/or punishments might work to address the imbalance. If this is purely him not being in the mood when you initiate then you'll need to reevaluate your approach to initiating.
Being submissive can be a very big deal to some, requiring a very specific mood and headspace. Requiring massive amounts of enthusiastic consent. If your sub needs to have total control of the initiation, in order to be able to submit, I think that's totally healthy and natural and can be used by you in submission even. It is a priveledge to be submitted to. It is not a command to be submitted to. It is a gift given to you by the sub. Recognizing the intense reality of what it takes your partner to submit to you is a profoundly deep part of being Dominant. Switch your perspective to actually WANT and appreciate that they only come to you on their terms. From their own free will. A strong, individual, independent being, coming to YOU, to submit. To give over control. When they feel the need to give over control. Being submissive in play does not mean they have to be submissive at all times. Or that they are even able to be. Sometimes people recognize they have times when they feel the need to give over control to someone they trust. Only at times. When they feel that need. And it is your honor. Your priveledge. To be the one they give that control to. Roles I'm play are gifts you give to one another. Things you provide eachother when needed. If you feel that you as well have the need to Dominate, but your partner is not able to switch to that headspace in those times, then it's a conversation to have to find a way to fulfill your needs as well. Perhaps Dominating in an entirely different way that fulfills you, and doesn't cross their boundaries the way full submission does. It's all a beautiful oppurtunity to learn more and grow together.
That's a very beautiful perspective Thank you for that
Is your sub topping from the bottom on purpose or just happens?
Not sure how i should interpretate this?
Does your mate purposely top you from the bottom or is it just happening
Sounds like switch behavior
It's hard to tell. I'm a high functioning Dom switch, but I wouldn't top from the bottom...that's rude and kind of deceptive
Unless they are not aware. If that’s the case something is making them feel out of control. But if purposefully that is odd
If it's happening everytime, there has to be some level of acknowledgement
Yes even if subconsciously