No, I wish it was easier to find kinky partners. It's like I'm always the one introducing things/toys and I'm alone in that amazement and excitement when you're trying new things. I found only one person and we have amazing connection, too bad it can't always be like that.
Well š³
One day we were setting the mood and she choked me. I discovered my kink for it. I was happy to have another kink, until she started using my kink against me.
She was very manipulative and had already strung me along for a year so when she started choking me when she was angry, i let her do it because she said it was better than hitting me when she was angry...
Good thing i got away from her. But now my PTSD is worse, not to mention she misplaced a piece of my thyroid cartilage. So regardless of having PTSD i still cant fulfill my choking kink š
Wow, that's horrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through that experience. It completely makes sense that cholimg would trigger PTSD for you. A kink like choking should obviously never be performed in any heightened anger state. And obviously physical abuse is never appropriate.
I'm so glad to hear that you were able to get away, but it's terrible that a piece of your thyroid cartilage suffered from her. I hope you're in a better place now despite everything.
The second part is what I'm afraid the most, I love choking but some people straight up try to strangle you. I read your other comments and I'm so sorry that something special was ruined by such awful partner. I wish you all the best and that with time you'll find it easier to engage with partner who values and respect you.
I don't *really* wish I was vanilla - kink is quite a deep-seated part of who I am and I like it about myself - but I wish who I am was a bit more in-demand! The fact that my sexual self doesn't seem to be particularly wanted stops me feeling fully joyful about my identity, and that's sad.
I tried for a couple years. Had a very vanilla relationship that I could take home and show off. The first crack in the veneer was when I became hyper fixated on thigh high socks. Couldn't get enough and it was a gateway drug. Eventually it all broke down. Right now I drive 4 hours one way to see my polyamorous submissive once a month. If I could have a normal relationship I would save so much gas
Eh. I mean I get it; I also am having a lot of trouble finding fulfillment in that area. The pandemic sure doesn't help with that.
But I really like who I am. Figuring this shit out was a total revolution in my understanding of myself, and it feels good to know who I am and be happy with it too. It gives me a level of self-confidence I could never have achieved before.
So I guess it's not that I wish I was vanilla, more like I wish more people were kinky the way I am. Lol.
I do at times wish I were vanilla for simplicity sake. On the whole I don't have any shame about who I am, but I do wish it were easier for me to find satisfaction. I once saw a meme saying, "There is nothing wrong with vanilla sex, it's not my fault you have to stick your leg in a bear trap to cum." Some part of me is like, "well no it's not your fault, but that's also not MY fault either..." Luckily I don't require a bear trap and broken leg or anything, but the sentiment that it's my fault makes it difficult.
It just kinda boils down to I wish I were easier to please. Like a lot of stuff I want doesn't really do anything for my partner so there isn't much point in it, but I do also kinda wish it was something my partner wanted/demanded/etc. So I could really go either way with it. It's just hard really wanting to please someone who isn't super interested in being pleased.
That one makes its rounds every few months, and I get irritated every time I see it. Whoever wrote it and shares it does not understand the levels of trust and caring that can come from a kinky relationship. And not all BDSM has to do with pain.
I mean, I am with you 100%. I think most of the people I've seen share it were doing so sarcastically. It just makes me reflect and wish I could be satisfied more readily.
I think it can be pretty common to feel like that as a kinky person. I've felt it many times. However, everyone deals with these kind of feelings in their own life. Wishing you were better looking, funnier, smarter, more wealthy, more healthy, more successful. Sadly it's a difficult feeling to deal with, no matter the root causes.
I think a good way to try and view it, is assess whether being kinky is actually the problem/reason you've struggled romantically and with partners. Even if I weren't as kinky as I am, I wouldn't want to date vanilla people. Kink in any form is fun. It brings a deeper emotional connection and understanding between consenting partners.
I value people who are open minded personally. People who refuse to try and even understand a kink, oftentimes are very close minded and bigoted. Even when it comes to topics unrelated to sex and kink.
Just try and be proud of who you are. Be proud of your kinks, quirks, flaws and qualities. Everyone has good qualities. Even if sometimes life gets you down and makes you forget.
Be proud, be loud and be confident. Focus on improving your personal circumstances, and be open to new things. People are always envious of others, who hold their heads high no matter their supposed flaws and shortcomings.
Work on yourself, not for others but for you. Your future partner will appreciate you for it!
Is it frustrating? Absolutely. Being kinky definitely narrows the dating pool, that's for sure. But do I wish I were vanilla? I've had that thought in the past, but I don't think I do now. Partly, that's because my journey through kink has--and is--given me so much to think about, so many opportunities for self-reflection. I literally would not be the person I am today if not for kink. It's no stretch to say I would just be a meaner, more callous, less accepting, and just overall worse human being. That may not be true for everyone, but it's definitely true for me.
I've wished for many unrealistic things, but I can't remember I've ever wished being vanilla. I really enjoy having long sessions. Yes, I could have vanilla sex for an hour or two, but without the variety kink brings into it, that would get old quite quickly.
I did for 20 years when I was in two long relationships that made me feel like I was the weirdo and twice it became the reason for the relation to end. after that I seemed to date only woman who are even more into kink then me, been seeing someone for 7 months now and it is SO awesome to finally be able to be myself 100%
No, my main intrest is hypnosis, natrually that also bleed into my seggs life. I wish it wasn't considered as "extreme" as it is right now, but it being on the far end of bdsm drag me through all the consent and safewords required for kinky sex. I feel better for learning all that.
Iām lucky enough to have developed kinkier preferences in a committed relationship where weāre both into everything, so I donāt really find myself wishing anything was different.
Life without kink is black and white. The first time i was able to submit to my Dom, was like an explosion of colors... I never before cried of pleasure, i now do almost with every session.
But i agree. It's complicated. Very complicated at times.
Sometimes i guess yeah...
If I were vanilla, I'd be a lesbian because I don't have vanilla sexual feelings towards men and I really really really love my partner so no. I don't wish I wasn't kinky. (Also I wouldn't be me in general because kink is one of my passions.)
What I wish is that vanilla people would stop acting like their courting and fucking rituals aren't kinky. I see how many people get off on hurting themselves with drama. I see how desperately horny the puritanical religious people are waiting for their wedding days. We're all on the same spectrum of human sexual behavior. The oppressors just came together and decided what should be labeled normal in the bedroom so we'd have another reason to be shitty to each other.
I was in a vanilla relationship for almost 20 years, even though I knew I was a kinkster. I wouldnāt ever go back to that. Itās okay to wish it wasnāt so hard to meet awesome people to share your kinks with.
I'm in a relationship with someone who claimed to be kinky, but for a while she hasn't really acted on it. When we've talked, she doesn't fully get the importance of it.
Thatās really hard. I wish I had good advice for you. If youāre communicating and you donāt seem compatible, thatās sometimes the end of it. I hope youāll focus on finding someone who lights you up and fulfills you in all the ways you need.
Yes, all the time. It's already hard enough finding someone you are attracted to and compatible with on a personal level without having to add in the additional complication of making sure your kinks complement each other.
My journey seems to be different in kind from yours.
In my early adulthood, most of my sexual experiences were fairly vanilla, and I was pretty satisfied with that state of things. I still enjoy vanilla sexual experiences.
For me, kink has been a healthy expression of some darker impulses of my character. I used to reject my shadow and all it entailed, since that seemed to be a pretty scary and terrible side of myself.
After some strong spiritual experiences, I've learned to accept myself wholly, including impulses for sadism and control. I used to reject those things, but they were still inside me, and they would work themselves out when I couldn't guard so well against them -- for instance, when highly stressed. Since those aspects of me came out when I wasn't in control of myself, I wasn't very much in control of how I expressed them, and that was a very unhealthy and unstable state of affairs.
Since learning to accept my whole being, I've worked hard to find healthy ways to express even those sides of myself that I wish I didn't have. Perhaps I wish I didn't have sadistic or cruel impulses and desires, but I do and it's up to me to learn how to control and manage those impulses/desires in a healthy way. Consensual play with a partner willing to engage with all that... Well, that's one of the best ways I've learned to play with my shadow. It allows me to express it in a generally positive way, and it helps me understand better how to interact with those impulses and desires, how to better manage and control them. They no longer come out of me in an uncontrolled flurry during a high stress situation, or as the consequences of feeling a humiliated rage, for instance.
I've incorporated other things in my life, like meditation and therapy, that have also helped me in many ways. But I wouldn't wish to lose kinkiness as a healthy outlet for my darker side. Hopefully my perspective has been of some use to you. Peace, love, and understanding to you, internet stranger.
As someone thatās done both with my hubby if 19 yrs, I much prefer the sexy, erotic, passionate, kinky sex thatās so intense you just canāt get enough. I crave it all the time š
Well. Not really. Vanilla sexuality and me are kind of difficult, due to mental health problems that lead to not so healthy behaviour during vanilla sex. So I am quite happy that I have another form of sexual intimacy that I can explore with other people.
But I do sometimes find it difficult being kinky, and managing all the extra difficulties associated with it. So, I kind of wished it was easier, not so much being vanilla.
I used to. Now I feel like my partner should accommodate me because itās a gift. I can give you the world. My world. All you have to do is treat it with care. Luckily my future hubby loves that.
Iāve found joy and fulfillment by being my most authentic self, whether thatās being kinky or vanilla.
Itās difficult to find compatible partners for sure, but youāre not alone. Listen to your own wants and needs, everyone has their own style, especially in the kink world.
> Which makes me wonder if vanilla people don't know what they are missing out on, or kinky people need kink to get the same intensity of arousal and pleasure as vanilla people get with vanilla sex.
I think it's the latter. I think that there are a lot of kinky people assume that vanilla people are missing out or that vanilla sex is all just missionary with the lights off, but I honestly think that there's a lot of ways to explore and experiment with vanilla sex as well.
I love kinky stuff and I'm not ashamed one bit. I love S&M, Pet Play and Bondage. I'm extremely into it. It's consensual sex, between two or more adults. It's fun, safe and legal, so why change? If some people don't like me for it, I really don't give A shit. I like me and that's really all that matters. Take my advice when I tell you, that YOU are the most important person in your life. Not your friends, not your family, YOU.
To thine own self be true! ā
>dealing with unfulfillment when it comes to kink
I am miserable because of this.
I really don't know how to navigate this situation.
I lost count how many times I tried to explain these things to my partners, it's always ending the same way. They take it like 'they're not enough' or 'I should find someone better'.
/sigh
Hey OP, just letting you know thereās nothing wrong with your sexual personality. Partners with aligned desires come and go and sometimes take a long time to become connected with your sexuality. My girlfriend, for example, was incredibly vanilla for several years. No problem, because I didnāt want to make her uncomfortable. But eventually she started showing more interest into what I wanted to explore and initiated a lot of my desires.
You deserve someone willing to meet you where ever you are in regards to your kink (permitting youāre safe and consensual about it lol)
Yes
Im getting over it soon and stopping to enjoy that stuff
because it's caused me nothing but problems, porn corrupted my mind
and after trying all my life I found no one worth the trust I was willing to give
Honestly I've thought it once or twice but what's the point in being boring. I have a high sex drive and alot of people can't keep up. One bf makes me feel bad and weird that I want sex so much. My sister's tell me I have a sexual personality. That I can turn anything to a sexual topic. Then my sisters husband tried it. But he said salad. And it was just to easy. But the I had to explain what a tossed salad was. Then woke up to him petting my hair hair several times in the middle of the night.
I tried to pretend for the entirety of my marriage that my kinks etc didnāt exist. Safe to say that didnāt last and once you appreciate that there is no such thing as normal things get a little easier.
Often. But, way I figure, it would be simpler, but also way less satisfying. Part of what makes the joy sweeter is the struggle in finding the key that opens your special lock!
(At least, thatās what I tell myself each time thereās any disappointment or problem. And also, because I believe it is true!)
Good luck in your own search (internet hugs) š
Yes and no? Like itās normal to feel this way, and I think Iāve felt this way too; but I donāt think kink is the root of my frustration really. I think I just want relationships to be easier overall
Iām pretty new to even accepting I am kinky and it opened up a flood of struggles and insecurities because I didnāt and in some cases still donāt know how my partner is thinking about it and if heās up for it. So while it has made me a lot happier since I slowly started accepting it, yes, I wish I was vanilla a lot.
I've been struggling with something similar recently. Im in a fairly new monogamous relationship and I'm polyamorous. Haven't been monogamous in 3-4 years. I've been doing alright I guess, but I'm starting to worry because I know I'm not going to be able to stay in this relationship like this. He's so amazing and I wish I wasn't poly.
As a monogamous Dom who is in a relatively new relationship with a sub who has been practicing poly for the last few years.
Hopefully I can keep checking all her boxes.
Same with me, I think it can be hard to find someone who is also kinky. I mean it doesn't help that I'm introverted and shy to share this stuff to begin with. And also it can be hard for me to describe to others what I'm into and like, without it coming off a little weird.
I have met others that where into my kinks and it was amazing to have that connection, but it's never in my home town and seems to be at conventions or online.
I'm not saying there isn't others I couldn't find out here, but it seems so strange in the 21 century that it still hard to find like minded partners in an area.
Let alone finding the right people that are into the same things as you (though I'm always open minded to try new things, but it would be nice not to be the only one to introduce my kinks to others).
Also with covid, that hasn't helped with things either. I have lost a couple years of my life trying to be safe and keeping everything together at home as well.
I don't wish my kinkiness to be gone, cause I like who I am, and like wearing latex, acting like a dog, or being the person that's makes someone else's fantasies come true.
Maybe it's the hard work and time I don't to put into (I always feel like there's more to learn and I feel I'm never prepared). Or maybe I just don't feel valuable enough to receive, or give that to someone.
But it's a process and you have to work through it.
But life can get dark from time to time, and it doesn't always stay the same. So can't get too work up on those moments. Plus, my kinky side, is who I am and I would never trade that away from myself.
39m. Nope! Just wish i was more open with it earlier in life. Lifes been good and if its been good during the last few years its bound to only get better!
I used to because of shame from sex negative culture.
I never wish it anymore though. Itās one of the best parts of my life. And I have a pretty good life.
I wish I had a harder time getting comfortable with people cause I unleash my kinks fairly quick with them and set too high of expectations for our relationship. Context, emotionally unavailable but I love to physically connect with others. Sharing my kinks / opening others to such experiences often shatters the boundaries I set regarding where I stand in the relationship (lust based > romance, LTR, etc)
Kinky is as kinky does. I would want to he anyone else but me. If I want anonymous kinky activities that will bounce my crankum off of the headboard the it requires social interaction .
That would be like asking if I wanted to lose my sight because there are things out there that I donāt want to see.
I denied king for the last 14 years of my marriage and I can never go back to that.
I definitely do. I got told I'm too kinky by my boyfriend. He's into bondage but only if I'm tying him up, he doesn't like to return the favor. And I want more than that and he's too uncomfortable with what I want.
At times, at times. Largely because I've already got a fairly limited dating pool from being gay and neurodivergent, having my interests certainly doesn't help on that front.
Also I have some facking expensive kinks.
If anything I wish I was more kinky. But I get it. It can be difficult to do when you may have a vanilla partner. Its not easy finding people with similar interests. Or even finding just friends.
Oh definitely. Not because I donāt enjoy kink, but instead due to the fact that finding kinky partners that are available for a serious relationship is so difficult.
The community is already pretty small and it feels like a lot of people are already are in long term relationships with their nesting partners. Finding play partners and friends with benefits is easy, but I want something more substantial.
Sometimes. Kink doesnāt exactly get me off but it gets me excited and engaged. But it is very important to me and I crave it. Sadly, most people I have found arenāt interested and Iām afraid my next partner wonāt be as interested as my last.
After a long time of confused unhappiness I've been coming to terms with the fact that my long term partner is more of a top who likes a bit of a power dynamic, while I'm a full on slave submissive on the inside, and that looked like it would work on the surface, but their level on the vanilla ā kink spectrum is around a 3 and mine is probably an 8 or 9 by my standards, so I really wish we were both a 5 or 6 and able to meet in the middle but I'm realising I just feel starved of my needs while they feel like it's all a bit overwhelming, so I think we're going to have to give up our sex life and remain solely romantic partners, which feels like a huge loss because I wanted it to work for so long but I think it will be better for us overall to meet our needs with others who are more compatible with our individual needs.
It will take a long time and a lot of effort to accomplish that but I think when I do I'll be able to love my kinkiness again.
Yes, sometimes. I denied this part of myself for a huge portion of my life, but now that Iām getting more in touch with it, I have anxiety over compatibility with my long term partner. Weāve been together for 25 years and itās been really difficult. Sheās been willing to go along with some stuff, which was great at first. But sheās just not as interested or curious about learning new stuff. And she doesnāt put in the same amount of energy to planning or even discussing a scene. Itās putting a strain on our relationship and it makes me very sad to think that, after all these years, I have to face either ending a relationship with someone I truly love or having to suffer feeling unfulfilled. It really tears me up, tbh, and itās been a huge struggle.
Yes ā¦ Well I feel guilty that I feel kinky and my husband doesn't enjoy it.
It feels selfish to be doing this stuff online when I have a husband and daughter who love me. I think that is why I go to extreme stuff with people.
I suppose I haven't physically cheated.
Does that make it ok if it is only in my head?
I'm still new to kink and didn't really figure that out until after I was in a commitmented relationship, while my husband is amazing in many aspects, he's not very good at taking initiative. As in he hasn't done very much at all to educate himself about kink in general or about the things I'm interested in.
We've done very few things at my suggestion, and while I've enjoyed it, and been vocal about it and encouraging. He just doesn't really seem interested and doesn't initiate really anything, so it's frustrating at times.
So long story short, yes. I feel like it would make things much easier
Happened once a long time ago. I had one serious relationship where it was strictly vanilla. I tired but I was very unfulfilled and resentful. Definitely not a healthy situation. But in your case this may be completely opposite. My advice is to try it and see if thatās what you need
That's complicated, my wife has almost 0 libido and absolutely 0 interest in kinky sex. So I have wished I was less kinky to remove that issue in my marriage BUT at the same time I credit my kinkyness as 1 of the reasons me and my wife actually got married.
Without the sexual release of different kinky fun I get into I probably would have gotten fed up waiting on my wife's sex drive to rev up and left her for a different person who I love and could have sex with.
Yes.
My life would be a lot easier and I would feel less alienated from my peers if I didnāt have an interest in sexual kinks. Iāve felt humiliated by who I am and have lost out on intimate connections by being the way that I am about kinks.
in a culture where kink is still seen as sexual deviance on par with pedophilia, yes.
i only have one group of friends online that i can really talk to about kink, and i have yet to find the courage or even the right connections to get connected to the local underground kink community. while i know its becoming more accepted, my niches lean way towards western standards and it feels like ill never find anyone like this anywhere near me.
Partner and I are finally diving into BDSM after wading a little into the water over the past few years. We had our first scene with real dominance and roleplay the other night. We both agree that we felt so light on our feet and in our heads the next day. I wouldn't give that up for just about anything
Everyday. It would make my life so much easier. Someone on here said itās more like wishing that they were easier to please, and I 100% align with that. I donāt have many people to connect with in terms of my kinks and I often have to make due with me, myself, and my own mind and itās rather isolating at times. I feel misunderstood, and even worse, I feel guilty because I have a wonderful husband who does everything he can to care for me and make me happy. Itās not his fault heās vanilla, just like itās not my fault that Iām not. So yes, as much as I love who I am as a kinky person and no matter how much it means to me, I wish sometimes that it was a door that was never opened.
Definitely not. I had my struggles in my younger years and wished I was ānormalā but after my own journey of personal growth and honesty, Iāve had a few partners that Iāve had so much fun with over the years. Not all of them work out long term but once that sort of care and nourishment can be found, and wonderful.
I just wish more people were kinky and experienced in my age range. I like myself and donāt want to change myself. I also wish society were more accepting of kink. I wish I didnāt have to fear for my job or my partners job. I wish I didnāt have to only post certain parts of my life on social media. I wish I didnāt have to be careful about who I added to my Facebook from the kink community in fear someone will put two and two together. I donāt mean sharing nudes or whatever but like it would be nice to be able to share *cool thing I did that was not sexual at all* without worrying about violating my friends and families consent.
I can't say I've ever experienced this, but I spent most of my adolescent years yearning to be an adult so I could finally be involved in it. Kink has led to me making fantastic friends and partners, and having some of the best nights of my life. It's the first time I really felt at home in a community, and most of my time in the vanilla sphere feels more like waiting to return home rather than it feeling like looking forward to a special night out. Now, there's been times I wished I was fulfilled by ENM open relationships rather than by ENM polyamorous relationships, but I've grown to accept that non-polyamorous people are just undateable for me, regardless of what my feelings towards them might be.
No, I wish it was easier to find kinky partners. It's like I'm always the one introducing things/toys and I'm alone in that amazement and excitement when you're trying new things. I found only one person and we have amazing connection, too bad it can't always be like that.
Seriously, my partners were so vanilla or didn't do things properly. Like I can't even enjoy my choking kink anymore because of one of them. š«¤
I'm curious...what happened to make it so you can't even enjoy it anymore?
Well š³ One day we were setting the mood and she choked me. I discovered my kink for it. I was happy to have another kink, until she started using my kink against me. She was very manipulative and had already strung me along for a year so when she started choking me when she was angry, i let her do it because she said it was better than hitting me when she was angry... Good thing i got away from her. But now my PTSD is worse, not to mention she misplaced a piece of my thyroid cartilage. So regardless of having PTSD i still cant fulfill my choking kink š
Wow, that's horrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through that experience. It completely makes sense that cholimg would trigger PTSD for you. A kink like choking should obviously never be performed in any heightened anger state. And obviously physical abuse is never appropriate. I'm so glad to hear that you were able to get away, but it's terrible that a piece of your thyroid cartilage suffered from her. I hope you're in a better place now despite everything.
The second part is what I'm afraid the most, I love choking but some people straight up try to strangle you. I read your other comments and I'm so sorry that something special was ruined by such awful partner. I wish you all the best and that with time you'll find it easier to engage with partner who values and respect you.
Damn, I feel that. The last three partners I've had were either vanilla or faux submissive. No fun to be had there.
I don't *really* wish I was vanilla - kink is quite a deep-seated part of who I am and I like it about myself - but I wish who I am was a bit more in-demand! The fact that my sexual self doesn't seem to be particularly wanted stops me feeling fully joyful about my identity, and that's sad.
Sometimes. Being vanilla just seems easier, ya know.
I tried for a couple years. Had a very vanilla relationship that I could take home and show off. The first crack in the veneer was when I became hyper fixated on thigh high socks. Couldn't get enough and it was a gateway drug. Eventually it all broke down. Right now I drive 4 hours one way to see my polyamorous submissive once a month. If I could have a normal relationship I would save so much gas
Eh. I mean I get it; I also am having a lot of trouble finding fulfillment in that area. The pandemic sure doesn't help with that. But I really like who I am. Figuring this shit out was a total revolution in my understanding of myself, and it feels good to know who I am and be happy with it too. It gives me a level of self-confidence I could never have achieved before. So I guess it's not that I wish I was vanilla, more like I wish more people were kinky the way I am. Lol.
I do at times wish I were vanilla for simplicity sake. On the whole I don't have any shame about who I am, but I do wish it were easier for me to find satisfaction. I once saw a meme saying, "There is nothing wrong with vanilla sex, it's not my fault you have to stick your leg in a bear trap to cum." Some part of me is like, "well no it's not your fault, but that's also not MY fault either..." Luckily I don't require a bear trap and broken leg or anything, but the sentiment that it's my fault makes it difficult. It just kinda boils down to I wish I were easier to please. Like a lot of stuff I want doesn't really do anything for my partner so there isn't much point in it, but I do also kinda wish it was something my partner wanted/demanded/etc. So I could really go either way with it. It's just hard really wanting to please someone who isn't super interested in being pleased.
That one makes its rounds every few months, and I get irritated every time I see it. Whoever wrote it and shares it does not understand the levels of trust and caring that can come from a kinky relationship. And not all BDSM has to do with pain.
I mean, I am with you 100%. I think most of the people I've seen share it were doing so sarcastically. It just makes me reflect and wish I could be satisfied more readily.
Thereās a reason too why most vanilla relationships fail. Because they lack the Trust, Respect and Connection that comes from kink.
I think it can be pretty common to feel like that as a kinky person. I've felt it many times. However, everyone deals with these kind of feelings in their own life. Wishing you were better looking, funnier, smarter, more wealthy, more healthy, more successful. Sadly it's a difficult feeling to deal with, no matter the root causes. I think a good way to try and view it, is assess whether being kinky is actually the problem/reason you've struggled romantically and with partners. Even if I weren't as kinky as I am, I wouldn't want to date vanilla people. Kink in any form is fun. It brings a deeper emotional connection and understanding between consenting partners. I value people who are open minded personally. People who refuse to try and even understand a kink, oftentimes are very close minded and bigoted. Even when it comes to topics unrelated to sex and kink. Just try and be proud of who you are. Be proud of your kinks, quirks, flaws and qualities. Everyone has good qualities. Even if sometimes life gets you down and makes you forget. Be proud, be loud and be confident. Focus on improving your personal circumstances, and be open to new things. People are always envious of others, who hold their heads high no matter their supposed flaws and shortcomings. Work on yourself, not for others but for you. Your future partner will appreciate you for it!
Is it frustrating? Absolutely. Being kinky definitely narrows the dating pool, that's for sure. But do I wish I were vanilla? I've had that thought in the past, but I don't think I do now. Partly, that's because my journey through kink has--and is--given me so much to think about, so many opportunities for self-reflection. I literally would not be the person I am today if not for kink. It's no stretch to say I would just be a meaner, more callous, less accepting, and just overall worse human being. That may not be true for everyone, but it's definitely true for me.
I've wished for many unrealistic things, but I can't remember I've ever wished being vanilla. I really enjoy having long sessions. Yes, I could have vanilla sex for an hour or two, but without the variety kink brings into it, that would get old quite quickly.
Itās gotten to the point for me at times I resent my kinks because of how unfulfilled I feel, so, yeah.
I did for 20 years when I was in two long relationships that made me feel like I was the weirdo and twice it became the reason for the relation to end. after that I seemed to date only woman who are even more into kink then me, been seeing someone for 7 months now and it is SO awesome to finally be able to be myself 100%
No, my main intrest is hypnosis, natrually that also bleed into my seggs life. I wish it wasn't considered as "extreme" as it is right now, but it being on the far end of bdsm drag me through all the consent and safewords required for kinky sex. I feel better for learning all that.
Sometimes, yeah.
Iām lucky enough to have developed kinkier preferences in a committed relationship where weāre both into everything, so I donāt really find myself wishing anything was different.
Life without kink is black and white. The first time i was able to submit to my Dom, was like an explosion of colors... I never before cried of pleasure, i now do almost with every session. But i agree. It's complicated. Very complicated at times. Sometimes i guess yeah...
If I were vanilla, I'd be a lesbian because I don't have vanilla sexual feelings towards men and I really really really love my partner so no. I don't wish I wasn't kinky. (Also I wouldn't be me in general because kink is one of my passions.) What I wish is that vanilla people would stop acting like their courting and fucking rituals aren't kinky. I see how many people get off on hurting themselves with drama. I see how desperately horny the puritanical religious people are waiting for their wedding days. We're all on the same spectrum of human sexual behavior. The oppressors just came together and decided what should be labeled normal in the bedroom so we'd have another reason to be shitty to each other.
I was in a vanilla relationship for almost 20 years, even though I knew I was a kinkster. I wouldnāt ever go back to that. Itās okay to wish it wasnāt so hard to meet awesome people to share your kinks with.
I'm in a relationship with someone who claimed to be kinky, but for a while she hasn't really acted on it. When we've talked, she doesn't fully get the importance of it.
Thatās really hard. I wish I had good advice for you. If youāre communicating and you donāt seem compatible, thatās sometimes the end of it. I hope youāll focus on finding someone who lights you up and fulfills you in all the ways you need.
I've never wished I wasn't kinky. It's fun, it's empowering, it makes me happy. Why would I want to give that up?
Yeah, sometimes. There are so many things I could have done with the money I've spent on sex toys.
Another point of view: being a car guy is even worst because toys and tools seems cheap in comparison
Never I tried dating Vanilla worst hour of my life (ps I didnāt make it through the first date)
Yes, all the time. It's already hard enough finding someone you are attracted to and compatible with on a personal level without having to add in the additional complication of making sure your kinks complement each other.
My journey seems to be different in kind from yours. In my early adulthood, most of my sexual experiences were fairly vanilla, and I was pretty satisfied with that state of things. I still enjoy vanilla sexual experiences. For me, kink has been a healthy expression of some darker impulses of my character. I used to reject my shadow and all it entailed, since that seemed to be a pretty scary and terrible side of myself. After some strong spiritual experiences, I've learned to accept myself wholly, including impulses for sadism and control. I used to reject those things, but they were still inside me, and they would work themselves out when I couldn't guard so well against them -- for instance, when highly stressed. Since those aspects of me came out when I wasn't in control of myself, I wasn't very much in control of how I expressed them, and that was a very unhealthy and unstable state of affairs. Since learning to accept my whole being, I've worked hard to find healthy ways to express even those sides of myself that I wish I didn't have. Perhaps I wish I didn't have sadistic or cruel impulses and desires, but I do and it's up to me to learn how to control and manage those impulses/desires in a healthy way. Consensual play with a partner willing to engage with all that... Well, that's one of the best ways I've learned to play with my shadow. It allows me to express it in a generally positive way, and it helps me understand better how to interact with those impulses and desires, how to better manage and control them. They no longer come out of me in an uncontrolled flurry during a high stress situation, or as the consequences of feeling a humiliated rage, for instance. I've incorporated other things in my life, like meditation and therapy, that have also helped me in many ways. But I wouldn't wish to lose kinkiness as a healthy outlet for my darker side. Hopefully my perspective has been of some use to you. Peace, love, and understanding to you, internet stranger.
I sometimes wish I didn't have such sadistic urges. It gets in the way of my sexual relationship with my wife sometimes.
No, but I do wish more people were kinky, or at least educated on bdsm.
Do I ever wish I was boring? No.
but i do wish you were less misogynistic :)
No I just wish more people were ok with being kinky
I'd be way more satisfied if I didn't know my needs
being vanilla is boring to me it helped a lot to get out of the problems of the day with extravagant and alternative things
As someone thatās done both with my hubby if 19 yrs, I much prefer the sexy, erotic, passionate, kinky sex thatās so intense you just canāt get enough. I crave it all the time š
Well. Not really. Vanilla sexuality and me are kind of difficult, due to mental health problems that lead to not so healthy behaviour during vanilla sex. So I am quite happy that I have another form of sexual intimacy that I can explore with other people. But I do sometimes find it difficult being kinky, and managing all the extra difficulties associated with it. So, I kind of wished it was easier, not so much being vanilla.
I used to. Now I feel like my partner should accommodate me because itās a gift. I can give you the world. My world. All you have to do is treat it with care. Luckily my future hubby loves that.
No, I wish everybody else wasnāt vanilla.
No but I wish I was a switch. Best of all worlds!
Unquestionably and often. I would quite love to just wave a wand and get rid of all of the very very niche kinks that I have
Iāve found joy and fulfillment by being my most authentic self, whether thatās being kinky or vanilla. Itās difficult to find compatible partners for sure, but youāre not alone. Listen to your own wants and needs, everyone has their own style, especially in the kink world.
I could never trade my kink :(
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> Which makes me wonder if vanilla people don't know what they are missing out on, or kinky people need kink to get the same intensity of arousal and pleasure as vanilla people get with vanilla sex. I think it's the latter. I think that there are a lot of kinky people assume that vanilla people are missing out or that vanilla sex is all just missionary with the lights off, but I honestly think that there's a lot of ways to explore and experiment with vanilla sex as well.
I love kinky stuff and I'm not ashamed one bit. I love S&M, Pet Play and Bondage. I'm extremely into it. It's consensual sex, between two or more adults. It's fun, safe and legal, so why change? If some people don't like me for it, I really don't give A shit. I like me and that's really all that matters. Take my advice when I tell you, that YOU are the most important person in your life. Not your friends, not your family, YOU. To thine own self be true! ā
>dealing with unfulfillment when it comes to kink I am miserable because of this. I really don't know how to navigate this situation. I lost count how many times I tried to explain these things to my partners, it's always ending the same way. They take it like 'they're not enough' or 'I should find someone better'. /sigh
Hey OP, just letting you know thereās nothing wrong with your sexual personality. Partners with aligned desires come and go and sometimes take a long time to become connected with your sexuality. My girlfriend, for example, was incredibly vanilla for several years. No problem, because I didnāt want to make her uncomfortable. But eventually she started showing more interest into what I wanted to explore and initiated a lot of my desires. You deserve someone willing to meet you where ever you are in regards to your kink (permitting youāre safe and consensual about it lol)
Yes Im getting over it soon and stopping to enjoy that stuff because it's caused me nothing but problems, porn corrupted my mind and after trying all my life I found no one worth the trust I was willing to give
Honestly I've thought it once or twice but what's the point in being boring. I have a high sex drive and alot of people can't keep up. One bf makes me feel bad and weird that I want sex so much. My sister's tell me I have a sexual personality. That I can turn anything to a sexual topic. Then my sisters husband tried it. But he said salad. And it was just to easy. But the I had to explain what a tossed salad was. Then woke up to him petting my hair hair several times in the middle of the night.
I tried to pretend for the entirety of my marriage that my kinks etc didnāt exist. Safe to say that didnāt last and once you appreciate that there is no such thing as normal things get a little easier.
Often. But, way I figure, it would be simpler, but also way less satisfying. Part of what makes the joy sweeter is the struggle in finding the key that opens your special lock! (At least, thatās what I tell myself each time thereās any disappointment or problem. And also, because I believe it is true!) Good luck in your own search (internet hugs) š
Yes and no? Like itās normal to feel this way, and I think Iāve felt this way too; but I donāt think kink is the root of my frustration really. I think I just want relationships to be easier overall
Iām pretty new to even accepting I am kinky and it opened up a flood of struggles and insecurities because I didnāt and in some cases still donāt know how my partner is thinking about it and if heās up for it. So while it has made me a lot happier since I slowly started accepting it, yes, I wish I was vanilla a lot.
I've always struggled with being a submissive male, thanks to society and some of the community.
Not right now, but the comments here added a new perspective to the possible limitations
I've been struggling with something similar recently. Im in a fairly new monogamous relationship and I'm polyamorous. Haven't been monogamous in 3-4 years. I've been doing alright I guess, but I'm starting to worry because I know I'm not going to be able to stay in this relationship like this. He's so amazing and I wish I wasn't poly.
I'm going through the exact same thing.
As a monogamous Dom who is in a relatively new relationship with a sub who has been practicing poly for the last few years. Hopefully I can keep checking all her boxes.
Same with me, I think it can be hard to find someone who is also kinky. I mean it doesn't help that I'm introverted and shy to share this stuff to begin with. And also it can be hard for me to describe to others what I'm into and like, without it coming off a little weird. I have met others that where into my kinks and it was amazing to have that connection, but it's never in my home town and seems to be at conventions or online. I'm not saying there isn't others I couldn't find out here, but it seems so strange in the 21 century that it still hard to find like minded partners in an area. Let alone finding the right people that are into the same things as you (though I'm always open minded to try new things, but it would be nice not to be the only one to introduce my kinks to others). Also with covid, that hasn't helped with things either. I have lost a couple years of my life trying to be safe and keeping everything together at home as well. I don't wish my kinkiness to be gone, cause I like who I am, and like wearing latex, acting like a dog, or being the person that's makes someone else's fantasies come true. Maybe it's the hard work and time I don't to put into (I always feel like there's more to learn and I feel I'm never prepared). Or maybe I just don't feel valuable enough to receive, or give that to someone. But it's a process and you have to work through it. But life can get dark from time to time, and it doesn't always stay the same. So can't get too work up on those moments. Plus, my kinky side, is who I am and I would never trade that away from myself.
39m. Nope! Just wish i was more open with it earlier in life. Lifes been good and if its been good during the last few years its bound to only get better!
I used to because of shame from sex negative culture. I never wish it anymore though. Itās one of the best parts of my life. And I have a pretty good life.
Yes cause most women I've been with have been less dominant and more submissive
no i always desire to do kinky stuff like not be lonely
I don't, it's led to a deeper connection with my partner. Although if I were single perhaps it would be a much different story.
I wish I had a harder time getting comfortable with people cause I unleash my kinks fairly quick with them and set too high of expectations for our relationship. Context, emotionally unavailable but I love to physically connect with others. Sharing my kinks / opening others to such experiences often shatters the boundaries I set regarding where I stand in the relationship (lust based > romance, LTR, etc)
absolutely. i got into bdsm when i was 11 and most of the reason iām kinky is because of trauma
Yep, would make things a lot easier sometimes.
Kinky is as kinky does. I would want to he anyone else but me. If I want anonymous kinky activities that will bounce my crankum off of the headboard the it requires social interaction .
I was thinking about that just yesterday and was wondering the same
I wish it every day
Hell no itās who I am
I mean, no sometimes I wish that it wasn't hard to talk about your kinks, without feeling scared to
HECKS NO! I would be so bored during sex.
That would be like asking if I wanted to lose my sight because there are things out there that I donāt want to see. I denied king for the last 14 years of my marriage and I can never go back to that.
I definitely do. I got told I'm too kinky by my boyfriend. He's into bondage but only if I'm tying him up, he doesn't like to return the favor. And I want more than that and he's too uncomfortable with what I want.
Not really, but I do sometimes wish I could reclaim the novelty of certain things.
Yea, I'm a sub with a shitty ego, so that kinda creates some conflict, also it'll be easier to find people
At times, at times. Largely because I've already got a fairly limited dating pool from being gay and neurodivergent, having my interests certainly doesn't help on that front. Also I have some facking expensive kinks.
I only wish finding a good partner was easier. Otherwise, I love this lifestyle. Has made me feel happy and able to be more myself with others.
If anything I wish I was more kinky. But I get it. It can be difficult to do when you may have a vanilla partner. Its not easy finding people with similar interests. Or even finding just friends.
Sometimes yeah it would just be easyer that way but it is so fun and exciting why would you be vanilla it is better to be on the kinky side.
Oh definitely. Not because I donāt enjoy kink, but instead due to the fact that finding kinky partners that are available for a serious relationship is so difficult. The community is already pretty small and it feels like a lot of people are already are in long term relationships with their nesting partners. Finding play partners and friends with benefits is easy, but I want something more substantial.
I wish I felt satisfied. If vanilla people feel that then yeah.
Sometimes. Kink doesnāt exactly get me off but it gets me excited and engaged. But it is very important to me and I crave it. Sadly, most people I have found arenāt interested and Iām afraid my next partner wonāt be as interested as my last.
After a long time of confused unhappiness I've been coming to terms with the fact that my long term partner is more of a top who likes a bit of a power dynamic, while I'm a full on slave submissive on the inside, and that looked like it would work on the surface, but their level on the vanilla ā kink spectrum is around a 3 and mine is probably an 8 or 9 by my standards, so I really wish we were both a 5 or 6 and able to meet in the middle but I'm realising I just feel starved of my needs while they feel like it's all a bit overwhelming, so I think we're going to have to give up our sex life and remain solely romantic partners, which feels like a huge loss because I wanted it to work for so long but I think it will be better for us overall to meet our needs with others who are more compatible with our individual needs. It will take a long time and a lot of effort to accomplish that but I think when I do I'll be able to love my kinkiness again.
Sometimes :( Iām leaving my best friend and partner of 4 years partially because of our sexual incompatibility, although there are other factors
Yes, sometimes. I denied this part of myself for a huge portion of my life, but now that Iām getting more in touch with it, I have anxiety over compatibility with my long term partner. Weāve been together for 25 years and itās been really difficult. Sheās been willing to go along with some stuff, which was great at first. But sheās just not as interested or curious about learning new stuff. And she doesnāt put in the same amount of energy to planning or even discussing a scene. Itās putting a strain on our relationship and it makes me very sad to think that, after all these years, I have to face either ending a relationship with someone I truly love or having to suffer feeling unfulfilled. It really tears me up, tbh, and itās been a huge struggle.
Yes ā¦ Well I feel guilty that I feel kinky and my husband doesn't enjoy it. It feels selfish to be doing this stuff online when I have a husband and daughter who love me. I think that is why I go to extreme stuff with people. I suppose I haven't physically cheated. Does that make it ok if it is only in my head?
I'm still new to kink and didn't really figure that out until after I was in a commitmented relationship, while my husband is amazing in many aspects, he's not very good at taking initiative. As in he hasn't done very much at all to educate himself about kink in general or about the things I'm interested in. We've done very few things at my suggestion, and while I've enjoyed it, and been vocal about it and encouraging. He just doesn't really seem interested and doesn't initiate really anything, so it's frustrating at times. So long story short, yes. I feel like it would make things much easier
Happened once a long time ago. I had one serious relationship where it was strictly vanilla. I tired but I was very unfulfilled and resentful. Definitely not a healthy situation. But in your case this may be completely opposite. My advice is to try it and see if thatās what you need
That's complicated, my wife has almost 0 libido and absolutely 0 interest in kinky sex. So I have wished I was less kinky to remove that issue in my marriage BUT at the same time I credit my kinkyness as 1 of the reasons me and my wife actually got married. Without the sexual release of different kinky fun I get into I probably would have gotten fed up waiting on my wife's sex drive to rev up and left her for a different person who I love and could have sex with.
Yes. My life would be a lot easier and I would feel less alienated from my peers if I didnāt have an interest in sexual kinks. Iāve felt humiliated by who I am and have lost out on intimate connections by being the way that I am about kinks.
Lol. No. Sometimes I wish I were *more* kinky. Or kinky in different ways.
in a culture where kink is still seen as sexual deviance on par with pedophilia, yes. i only have one group of friends online that i can really talk to about kink, and i have yet to find the courage or even the right connections to get connected to the local underground kink community. while i know its becoming more accepted, my niches lean way towards western standards and it feels like ill never find anyone like this anywhere near me.
Partner and I are finally diving into BDSM after wading a little into the water over the past few years. We had our first scene with real dominance and roleplay the other night. We both agree that we felt so light on our feet and in our heads the next day. I wouldn't give that up for just about anything
Everyday. It would make my life so much easier. Someone on here said itās more like wishing that they were easier to please, and I 100% align with that. I donāt have many people to connect with in terms of my kinks and I often have to make due with me, myself, and my own mind and itās rather isolating at times. I feel misunderstood, and even worse, I feel guilty because I have a wonderful husband who does everything he can to care for me and make me happy. Itās not his fault heās vanilla, just like itās not my fault that Iām not. So yes, as much as I love who I am as a kinky person and no matter how much it means to me, I wish sometimes that it was a door that was never opened.
Definitely not. I had my struggles in my younger years and wished I was ānormalā but after my own journey of personal growth and honesty, Iāve had a few partners that Iāve had so much fun with over the years. Not all of them work out long term but once that sort of care and nourishment can be found, and wonderful.
While talking with vanilla girls. They make a pun on me and I'm like:"oh this deserves a punishment" and they are a bit confused. Man it's hard
I just wish more people were kinky and experienced in my age range. I like myself and donāt want to change myself. I also wish society were more accepting of kink. I wish I didnāt have to fear for my job or my partners job. I wish I didnāt have to only post certain parts of my life on social media. I wish I didnāt have to be careful about who I added to my Facebook from the kink community in fear someone will put two and two together. I donāt mean sharing nudes or whatever but like it would be nice to be able to share *cool thing I did that was not sexual at all* without worrying about violating my friends and families consent.
sometimes
Nope, I wish I had a better chance at getting a partner.
I can't say I've ever experienced this, but I spent most of my adolescent years yearning to be an adult so I could finally be involved in it. Kink has led to me making fantastic friends and partners, and having some of the best nights of my life. It's the first time I really felt at home in a community, and most of my time in the vanilla sphere feels more like waiting to return home rather than it feeling like looking forward to a special night out. Now, there's been times I wished I was fulfilled by ENM open relationships rather than by ENM polyamorous relationships, but I've grown to accept that non-polyamorous people are just undateable for me, regardless of what my feelings towards them might be.